Not many of us woke up one morning wanting to solo parent. When we got married, we may have had daydreams of the typical life. After work, mom and dad sit down at the table with the kids. Asking about homework and the day.
As parents, you would split the bedtime routine. One would make sure teeth were brushed, and the other would tuck them in with a story.
But then military life became a reality, and everything changed. And the reality of solo parenting sets in. You became a default parent in so many different ways.
What It Means to Be the Default Parent as a Military Spouse
The truth is, for every family, civilian or military, there is probably a default parent.
One parent works more than the other. Or one works at home, and the other doesn’t. One travels for work, and the other is always home. But add in military life with its deployments and never-ending training. Time apart can be more the norm than not.
Solo parenting is a huge part of it. And the default parent has way too much on their plates.
It can feel so overwhelming at times. Even with a good plan. You are always “on,” and you have to manage everything.
Sure, sometimes they are home, but for a lot of military families it’s just easier to keep things the way they have been. And to always be the default parent.
Making Parenting Decisions Alone
As the default parent, a military spouse might make most of the parenting decisions. The day-to-day ones and the bigger ones.
My husband was deployed to Iraq when I made the decision to get my son tested because I was worried about his speech. I wasn’t able to have a long conversation about it before I started the process. It was more me updating him on what was going on.
I was with my child every day. I knew what he needed, and I knew the process for getting him help. My husband really didn’t at that time.
When Resentment Starts to Build During Military Life
And while we as military spouses know this is how it is going to go, over time resentment can build.
Why do we have to be in charge all the time?
Why do we have to make all the decisions?
When do we get a break?
What is a military spouse to do when being the default parent is just too much?
When You Are the Default Parent as a Military Spouse
Being the default parent during military life can feel heavy. You may be the one making appointments, handling school decisions, managing routines, calming fears, and keeping everything moving while your spouse is away.
- You are allowed to feel overwhelmed. Solo parenting is hard, even when you knew military life would include time apart.
- You do not have to do everything alone. Child care, friends, neighbors, military resources, and community support can all help.
- Your spouse is still the other parent. When possible, let them back into the parenting loop, even if it looks different during deployment or training.
- Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping your family steady.
Give Yourself Grace
First of all, we as military spouses need to give ourselves grace. We may have wanted this life, but we had no idea what it would look like.
I knew my husband would deploy, and I would be a solo parent; I didn’t know that it would be for over a year when I had a 3-year-old and a new baby.
I knew that there would be times we couldn’t communicate, but I didn’t know what that would mean when my two-month-old was admitted to the hospital.
I knew I would have to do a lot alone, but I didn’t know how much that would bring me down at times and how hard it would be when all I really wanted was another supportive adult helping me with my children.
But I also know that as hard as being the default parent as a military spouse is, there are things to do to make it a little bit easier for ourselves. No, we can’t change everything so that our spouse never has to go away or we never have to solo parent, but we can find ways that work for us.
Find Help, Child Care, and Military Resources
There are resources out there that will help military spouses going through periods of solo parenting. You might be the default parent, but you can ask for help, pay for help, and find resources to make things easier for you.
Check out your local CYS for hourly care options. They might even have something like “Friday Night Out” or special Saturdays where they will watch your kids for you. Some of this could be discounted because of rank or deployed status. Even just putting your child in for a few hours a week can be a great help.
You will want to make sure you are taking advantage of what your post or base, or even local community, has to offer.
Find People and Support
I will always tell a deployed spouse to find their people. Why? Because it will help you so much getting through those challenging solo parent days. From having other parents to get together with to finding babysitters, or just having people to vent to. You need it.
I know it can be hard to find friends sometimes, but if you haven’t already, a season of solo parenting is a good time to do it. And friends don’t have to be military spouses either.
When we lived in Kentucky, and I was solo parenting because my husband was in Germany, a new friend invited a lot of us over to her house for dinner every Tuesday since that was the day her husband worked late. It was great for me, since my husband was gone, but also for her.
There are so many different ways to find that support you need when you are the default parent.
“You may be the default parent, but that does not mean you have to carry everything alone.”
Let Your Spouse Into the Parenting Loop
The challenging part is that since we as military spouses go through so many periods of solo parenting, we might not let our partners in, even when we can. We might just keep things to ourselves or not let them know what is going on.
While sometimes that has to be the case, other times it can be helpful to catch them up when you can. Let them know about any decisions you had to make, and even ask them for their advice if you are able to.
No, they might not be at home right now, but they are still the other parent. And they can help in different ways, even if it isn’t the same as they would have if you were a civilian family.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
The #1 thing to remember as the default parent is to always be taking care of yourself. It’s like the mask on an airplane. Put your own mask on first.
Make time for yourself, even if it’s after the kids go to bed and you stay in your own house. Never feel guilty for having your own hobbies, a job, or a group that your kids are not a part of. Find what works for you. With two special needs kids, it was sometimes difficult to take care of myself, but I had to work to figure it out; I knew it was the healthiest thing to do.
Talk to Someone When It Feels Too Heavy
If you need to, please reach out and talk to someone. It could be a professional, as in a therapist, or maybe just a good friend.
It can be easy to think you are the only one going through what you are going through, but that isn’t true. Even if you choose this life, you can still reach out if it gets to be too hard. Solo parenting is difficult, and military spouses need all the help they can get.
Frequently Asked Questions About Being the Default Parent Military Spouse
Why do military spouses often become the default parent?
Military spouses often become the default parent because deployments, training, field time, duty schedules, and moves can take the service member away from home or make their schedule unpredictable.
How can military spouses handle solo parenting burnout?
Military spouses can handle solo parenting burnout by asking for help, using child care resources when available, finding supportive friends, creating routines, letting go of perfection, and reaching out to a counselor or trusted person when things feel too heavy.
How can I include my spouse in parenting while they are away?
When communication allows, keep your spouse updated on major decisions, ask for their thoughts when possible, share school or medical updates, and let them be part of parenting in the ways they can from a distance.