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What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

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What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

It’s been a long time since my husband deployed. He’s been retired for about 2.5 years now, so we haven’t had to deal with any military training in a while. Because of that, and because I run a military spouse blog, it is still on my mind.

I think about the deployments we went through, and why they were challenging to me. Some more than others. I think about how that first deployment was extended and ended up being 15 months total. I think about our last deployment and how it came at the worst possible time in our lives for me to be a solo parent, right after my son’s autism diagnosis.

Part of me wonders how I got through it all. The other wonders what I could have done to make it easier for myself back then. I hate to think about my past with a bunch of “what-ifs,” but I also can’t help but think about those military deployments, seasons of solo parenting, and my own mental health.

I wonder, can anyone really handle being a military spouse? Why did I struggle so much? What does this mean for military spouses and their mental health?

Military Spouse Life Can Put You in Survival Mode

The truth is, military spouse life can and does put military spouses in survival mode. Solo parenting, constant moves, uncertainty. It’s so much to deal with.

Without a strong village, things can fall apart quite fast.

And not everyone handles it the same way. Years of living in survival mode can really hit a person hard. Even with a strong support system.

Solo Parenting During Deployment Is More Than Just Being Busy

Being both mom and dad to children takes a toll. But it is more than just doing everything. It means being the only one who can consistently be there for your kids. It’s about figuring out every aspect of everything your children might need. It’s about not having a partner to take over during the harder times, and help you work through problems you need to deal with.

When my husband deployed for the first time, I had a two-year-old, and I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child. I had no idea what I was in for. We were in Germany, too many miles away for a quick visit back home.

We somehow got through a 15-month deployment. But not without a lot of tears, and I will wonder to this day what my children missed out on by having their Dad gone that long. I will always wonder what I could have done to make that time easier for myself, and maybe better for my children.

However, I know I did what I could. I made plans with friends all of the time. I had my own hobbies, and I binged-watched a ton of TV before streaming was a thing – thank you to the DVDs at the on-post library.

When Parenting Needs Become More Complicated

When we started our military journey, we had a one-year-old. Over the years, we not only grew our family but also added some diagnoses. Autism, developmental delays, and anxiety. And that made everything a lot more complicated.

What do you do when things do become more complicated? Things you never saw coming.

This is when finding extra support and a good community matters. This is when you need to find your people more than ever. This is when you have to give yourself more grace than you ever have before.

When my parenting needs got more difficult, my husband started deploying. And yes, that complicated things for me. Was this why I struggled so much at times? Was this why solo parenting seemed to hit me harder than it did others? Possibly.

I don’t want to compare hard, but I did have a lot to deal with, and I dealt with most of it with a husband in a war zone.

The Mental Load Military Spouses Carry

As military spouses, we carry a lot. We carry the household, the budget, connecting with our families of origin, the children, the pets, the mortgage, the cars, the broken things, the stressful things, the mundane things. Most of it falls to us, and sometimes that mental load is too much.

We have to find ways to break it up, to delegate, and to organize. We find friends to share some of it with, or to vent with. We try to keep it together for our spouse overseas. But still…we can break down from it all.

And as I look back, I think about how it was all a little too much. And yes, maybe that all comes with the territory of being a military spouse? Maybe it has to be like this for us, “because of the mission,” but still, it is never easy, and acknowledging that might be half the battle.

When Military Spouse Life Feels Like Survival Mode

Deployment, solo parenting, constant change, and complicated parenting seasons can take a real toll on military spouses. It is okay to admit that this life can feel heavy.

  • Survival mode is not failure. Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the support, energy, and information you have.
  • Solo parenting is more than staying busy. It means carrying the routines, decisions, emotions, and hard moments without your partner physically there.
  • Complicated parenting needs can make everything harder. Diagnoses, appointments, school concerns, and daily care can add another layer to deployment stress.
  • Your mental health matters too. You are allowed to need help, support, rest, and care while you are caring for everyone else.

Why “Strong” Isn’t Always the Compliment People Think It Is

We are military spouses; we are strong, right? “Oh Julie, you are so strong!” I have been told that many times over the years. And maybe I am, but maybe it’s because there is no other option.

What was I going to do when my husband was deployed, and I had three little kids at home? It was his job, and they said he had to go. Then again, not everyone can make it through.

Military spouses can and do experience higher rates of anxiety and depression, and those struggles deserve to be taken seriously.

Mental health can be a big issue for military spouses. According to a HealthyWomen article on military spouse mental health, 1 out of 8 military spouses screened positive for a major depressive episode, and 1 out of 6 experienced generalized anxiety. Those rates were nearly double the general population and similar to those of service members after combat.

Maybe we can’t do everything we are required to do. Not without some type of consequence. And not without extra help.

What the Military Community Can Do Better

We have all heard the saying, “If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one…” but what should the modern military be doing to accommodate spouses? Mental health struggles are real, so what can really be done to help struggling military spouses while still allowing for the mission? Which, let’s face it, at the end of the day, is what seems to matter the most. Spouse or no spouse.

What can the military community really do to help? When I see some of the hateful things that can come from the community, I wonder what really can be done about that. What can the civilian community around military bases do to help? What can anyone really do?

What causes a military spouse to have a hard time? How does it move from “this is quite annoying” to “I am not sure I can get through the months ahead!” So much to think about!

What I Understand Now That I Didn’t Then

It is so easy to look back on my life and make a list of all the things I did wrong. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. But in doing that, I am not being fair to myself.

I was living my life, dealing with stressful situations, and situations I had never experienced before. Sure, I had expectations about military life and solo parenting, but I really had no idea what it would be like until I was going through it.

I can see now, with the benefit of time, that I did the best I could. And I think most military spouses are as well. We take what we are given and try to make the best of it.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health as a Military Spouse

But can the US military sustain this way of life? Are there ways in which they need to “catch up” to a more modern way of doing things?

Over time, more and more spouses don’t want to stay at home as their earlier counterparts did. Military spouses have so many amazing careers now. They don’t want to move as often. They’re also more aware of what they need to do to support their mental health.

Because, really, that is what this all boils down to. Military spouses and their mental health. Military spouses and how they handle the challenges they face. Military spouses and how they can balance the stresses that military life brings.

I don’t know the solution. More resources available to those on post? Better planned-out deployment schedules? Moving every 5 years instead of 2-3? More counselors? Better pay? The list goes on and on.

Military Spouse Mental Health Resources

If you are struggling, you do not have to wait until things feel unbearable to reach out. Military spouses may be able to use Military OneSource counseling, MFLC support, TRICARE mental health care, or local civilian counseling options.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988. For the Veterans/Military Crisis Line, call 988 and press 1 or text 838255.

Military OneSource Counseling: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-counseling/

Veterans/Military Crisis Line: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/veterans-crisis-line/

Be part of your community, step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend, be kind to others, and when things get hard, get creative.

There isn’t one simple solution to get through military life, but I strongly believe in trying different things until we figure out what works. If one thing doesn’t, try another.

Military life can be hard, and sometimes it can leave marks long after the deployment is over. It is okay to say that. It is okay to admit that you struggled. It is okay to look back and realize you were doing the best you could with what you were given.

Have the difficult conversations. Ask for help. Use the resources available to you. Find your people. Try one thing, and if that doesn’t work, try something else.

You are not weak because military life felt hard. You are human. And your mental health matters too.

Military Spouse Spotlight: From Army Brat to Army Wife

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From Army Brat to Army Wife

Many military spouses take the endless algorithm of military-family-affiliated influencers for granted. We have seen the homecoming videos, the disappointments over extended deployments, the anxiety and excitement about PCS season, and the memes that speak to the unique quirks of military life.

Kodie, an Army wife, mother of seven, and social media agent, is partially to thank for that because of her work in the KoFe Confessions podcast and associated social media platforms. Dedicated to sharing helpful, relatable insights from her authentic life, Kodie’s story began as a brand-new Army Brat and ends as a senior enlisted wife working to drive positive culture change.

From Army Brat to Army Wife

Finding Stability in Army Life

Kodie grew up in rural Arizona with fond memories of her mom and grandpa roping and moving cows through the chute. However, Kodie’s life radically changed in 2000 when, after years of being single, her mom married an Army soldier. Not wanting to welcome her new stepfather into her life, Kodie spitefully chose to live with her biological father in California. Unfortunately, Kodie did not realize how much her father drank or how much his drinking would impact her life, and she categorized this year as “highly traumatic” because of her father’s abuse. 

With California living being unsuitable and unsustainable, Kodie flew to Fort Bragg to live with her mom, stepfather, and siblings again. Having grown up around flat deserts, the overcast and humid weather, and lush green trees stuck with her, and the North Carolina summers take her right back to that pivotal childhood moment. 

Life with her stepfather was strict and came with new rules, but it also gave her family financial freedom they had never enjoyed before. “All the things I never had, I was allowed to have,” Kodie remembers with gratitude as she detailed the beautiful power of hearing “yes” at the store and the dentist. With two incomes and healthcare, she was able to get braces, buy clothes for the school year at the mall, and pick out things that she liked.

As a single mom, Kodie’s mom took her children through the store with a purpose, and purchasing Skittles was the extent of the treat they could expect. Kodie remembers the luxury of just walking through the store with her stepfather and him telling her, “Oh, do you like that; go buy it.” While she couldn’t fully realize the luxury of having $11,000 in dental work being covered by insurance as a kid, she knew that the “peace that brought my mom also brought me peace.” She instantly fell in love with the stability of her new North Carolina home and could even admit that her stepfather was cool. 

How 9/11 Changed Military Family Life

Life changed again for Kodie and thousands of other military Brats on 9/11. Kodie remembers her mom stopping for cigarettes after Kodie’s orthodontist appointment and the cashier telling them that the Twin Towers had been hit. Kodie was dropped off at school and couldn’t fully understand the fear and sadness that struck the adults around her so deeply. Because Fort Bragg is known for its global response, the community knew their soldiers would be deploying and that their friends and family might not come home. 

Kodie’s family moved into military housing and her stepfather deployed, but Kodie didn’t fully understand the emotional weight of the situation. She remembers her mom forbidding her from using AOL dial-up because she never knew when her husband would be able to call. Her mom would fill moving boxes to the brim with care package items, but Kodie would sneakily open the mint Oreo packages and take a few of the cookies for herself. 

While her mom and stepfather separated her junior year and were divorced in her senior year, Kodie’s brief time with her stepfather left a lasting impression on her; the military, in her youthful memory, was romanticized as an institution of stability for her young family, and she admired the brotherhood of the men her stepfather served with. 

From Army Brat to Army Wife

Marrying a Soldier 

After her senior year of high school, Kodie’s mom and siblings moved back to Arizona, but Kodie, totally focused on her on-and-off boyfriend, wanted to try and make North Carolina work. Ultimately, the relationship failed, and Kodie briefly rejoined her family. She returned to North Carolina in the spring of 2011, when she was 21, to visit her friends, and she had so much fun visiting all the places she could now fully and legally enjoy.

As she and her friends went bar hopping, she was caught up in the excitement of being surrounded by attractive soldiers. In fact, she was having so much fun that she didn’t want to return home. When her friend offered her a place to stay and suggested she apply for work in North Carolina, Kodie called her mom for advice; shockingly, her mom told her that it was up to her to make that decision for herself, so, of course, Kodie decided to stay where the fun was. 

Kodie spent her nights partying and exploring the online dating pool, but her life suddenly became serious and settled when she met her husband in 2012. While she wasn’t looking for anything serious, they immediately bonded over their small hometowns in Arizona, and they never stopped seeing each other after that pivotal first date. They were married just thirty days after meeting and have now been together for fourteen years and have had seven children. 

Solo Parenting During Deployments

Kodie’s early years of marriage were a whirlwind of stress and change. Her husband deployed for a year when she was fourteen weeks pregnant with their first child, and while he was home for their second child, Kodie’s diagnosis of Crohn’s disease added additional challenges. He was deployed for the birth of their third child and deployed yet again shortly after the birth of their fourth. Each child was seventeen months apart, so Kodie was managing 4 kids under 5 years old in 2019 when her husband left for a 9-month deployment to Afghanistan. 

From Army Brat to Army Wife

Finding Her Voice Through KoFe Confessions

Understandably, Kodie was feeling lost in 2020 after years of solely putting her focus into solo motherhood. “I didn’t know who I was anymore…I wanted a hobby. I wanted something for myself,” she explained. She wanted to harness her passion for creativity and storytelling, so she and a friend decided to start a podcast together for military spouses called KoFe Confessions.

“For the first time, someone was being vulnerable on the Internet,” Kodie said with pride, and she emphasized how important it was to her to be real about the “good and the suck” of military life. KoFe Confessions was one of the first military spouse podcasts, and Kodie believes they “set the caliber and tone for who has come after.” 

Of course, Kodie, like many military families who have voiced their opinions and experiences, has faced scrutiny for sharing her thoughts online, but she said all the hate has been worth it because she was able to help other women feel less alone. “It felt good to share inside thoughts and have people relate and not feel crazy,” Kodie said. 

“It felt good to share inside thoughts and have people relate and not feel crazy.”

— Kodie

When Military Spouse Stories Help Others Feel Less Alone

They recorded the first three episodes in the car because they were both busy solo moms. Kodie and her friend would purchase pizza and root beer for their kids and have them play on the trampoline so they could sneak in a few quiet minutes to record. They were amazed to see their following skyrocket across social media, and over the course of six years, they wrote a book, recorded multiple podcast seasons, and shared a wealth of resources with the military community online.

She fondly remembers the surreal moment when Facebook invited them to join their monetization program and the first payment landed in their account. She realized in that moment that “we made something; this can go somewhere,” and she loved that she could creatively share her story and advice while bringing in additional income for her growing family. 

However, after six years of sharing military-spouse-themed content in partnership with her friend, Kodie is now creating her own content more focused on her own motherhood experiences. While she loved sharing resources, she felt tapped out after six years of constant content creation focused on the same niche topic, and she felt the messy weight that can come with responding to the social media news cycle.

She and her friend had different creative visions, and ultimately, Kodie found peace and satisfaction in a new focus on her own family and twin pregnancy experience. She has since created her own social media agency and currently creates content for two small businesses. She loves that she can “go into small mom and pop businesses and create something that goes viral,” and she especially appreciates that unadulterated joy after years of being called a “dependa” in her comment section. 

From Army Brat to Army Wife

The Challenges of Military Childhood

Kodie has a lot of compassion for her kids and all of the ways that military life has presented them with challenges. Moving every few years forces them to create a new set of friends over and over again, and it hurts Kodie that she “can’t control that heartbreak and know it’s not going to stop.”

When they were living in Colorado, her daughter cried at the injustice that her classmates’ dads who were in the Space Force were able to come to their kindergarten performance, but her dad couldn’t because he was too busy with Army duties. The kids would always ask, “but you’re going to come back, right?” when their dad would leave, and one of Kodie’s daughters could not relax until her dad’s uniform was taken off at home because she associated it with him leaving.

When the Army Comes First

In 2022 Kodie’s husband went from Special Forces Selection to Senior Leader Course to the Drill Sergent Academy back to back to back. Her son didn’t want to start on sports until his dad was home to watch him, but Kodie said, “if you drag your feet waiting on your dad, you’re going to be heartbroken because the Army comes first.” With a bit of humor and heaps of encouragement she recalled saying to him, “you can’t pass up on opportunities because you’re afraid your dad won’t be here; he wasn’t here for your birth.” 

From Army Brat to Army Wife

Creating Positive Change as a Senior Enlisted Spouse

As a first sergeant’s wife, Kodie wants to “help create something supportive of his troops.” There are plenty of hardships in Army life, so “let’s be part of something that creates change.” When someone in the unit has a baby, she wants to send diapers and dinner to offer much-needed support.

Instead of waiting on someone to ask for help, she wants to be proactive and step in to assist. “If we set the example, maybe others will follow,” she hopes. However, she has to combat the unhelpful culture of “we figured it out, you should too.” Everyone faces their own set of obstacles and challenges, but wearing your “hardships like badges of honor” and treating your suffering as a competition only continues and feeds into the stresses the military community carries. Kodie remains committed to not gatekeeping valuable resources, and she hopes to write a book inspired by her life one day. 

From Army Brat to Army Wife

What Military Spouses Can Take From Kodie’s Story

Kodie’s story is about growing up around Army life, becoming an Army wife herself, surviving years of solo motherhood, using her voice online, and choosing to create change instead of gatekeeping support.

  • Your story can help someone else feel less alone. Sharing the honest parts of military life can give other spouses the words they did not know they needed.
  • Motherhood and military life can change you. Deployments, babies, moves, and constant responsibility can make it hard to remember who you are outside of survival mode.
  • Military kids carry their own version of this life. They notice the missed events, the uniforms, the goodbyes, and the uncertainty more than we sometimes realize.
  • Positive change starts with people willing to show up. A meal, diapers, a resource, or a simple check-in can make a hard season feel less lonely.

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

When You’re the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

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When Military Life Makes You the Default Parent

Not many of us woke up one morning wanting to solo parent. When we got married, we may have had daydreams of the typical life. After work, mom and dad sit down at the table with the kids. Asking about homework and the day.

As parents, you would split the bedtime routine. One would make sure teeth were brushed, and the other would tuck them in with a story.

But then military life became a reality, and everything changed. And the reality of solo parenting sets in. You became a default parent in so many different ways.

What It Means to Be the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

The truth is, for every family, civilian or military, there is probably a default parent.

One parent works more than the other. Or one works at home, and the other doesn’t. One travels for work, and the other is always home. But add in military life with its deployments and never-ending training. Time apart can be more the norm than not.

Solo parenting is a huge part of it. And the default parent has way too much on their plates.

It can feel so overwhelming at times. Even with a good plan. You are always “on,” and you have to manage everything.

Sure, sometimes they are home, but for a lot of military families it’s just easier to keep things the way they have been. And to always be the default parent.

Making Parenting Decisions Alone

As the default parent, a military spouse might make most of the parenting decisions. The day-to-day ones and the bigger ones.

My husband was deployed to Iraq when I made the decision to get my son tested because I was worried about his speech. I wasn’t able to have a long conversation about it before I started the process. It was more me updating him on what was going on.

I was with my child every day. I knew what he needed, and I knew the process for getting him help. My husband really didn’t at that time.

When Resentment Starts to Build During Military Life

And while we as military spouses know this is how it is going to go, over time resentment can build.

Why do we have to be in charge all the time?

Why do we have to make all the decisions?

When do we get a break?

What is a military spouse to do when being the default parent is just too much?

When You Are the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

Being the default parent during military life can feel heavy. You may be the one making appointments, handling school decisions, managing routines, calming fears, and keeping everything moving while your spouse is away.

  • You are allowed to feel overwhelmed. Solo parenting is hard, even when you knew military life would include time apart.
  • You do not have to do everything alone. Child care, friends, neighbors, military resources, and community support can all help.
  • Your spouse is still the other parent. When possible, let them back into the parenting loop, even if it looks different during deployment or training.
  • Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping your family steady.

Give Yourself Grace

First of all, we as military spouses need to give ourselves grace. We may have wanted this life, but we had no idea what it would look like.

I knew my husband would deploy, and I would be a solo parent; I didn’t know that it would be for over a year when I had a 3-year-old and a new baby.

I knew that there would be times we couldn’t communicate, but I didn’t know what that would mean when my two-month-old was admitted to the hospital.

I knew I would have to do a lot alone, but I didn’t know how much that would bring me down at times and how hard it would be when all I really wanted was another supportive adult helping me with my children.

But I also know that as hard as being the default parent as a military spouse is, there are things to do to make it a little bit easier for ourselves. No, we can’t change everything so that our spouse never has to go away or we never have to solo parent, but we can find ways that work for us.

Find Help, Child Care, and Military Resources

There are resources out there that will help military spouses going through periods of solo parenting. You might be the default parent, but you can ask for help, pay for help, and find resources to make things easier for you.

Check out your local CYS for hourly care options. They might even have something like “Friday Night Out” or special Saturdays where they will watch your kids for you. Some of this could be discounted because of rank or deployed status. Even just putting your child in for a few hours a week can be a great help.

You will want to make sure you are taking advantage of what your post or base, or even local community, has to offer.

Find People and Support

I will always tell a deployed spouse to find their people. Why? Because it will help you so much getting through those challenging solo parent days. From having other parents to get together with to finding babysitters, or just having people to vent to. You need it.

I know it can be hard to find friends sometimes, but if you haven’t already, a season of solo parenting is a good time to do it. And friends don’t have to be military spouses either.

When we lived in Kentucky, and I was solo parenting because my husband was in Germany, a new friend invited a lot of us over to her house for dinner every Tuesday since that was the day her husband worked late. It was great for me, since my husband was gone, but also for her.

There are so many different ways to find that support you need when you are the default parent.

“You may be the default parent, but that does not mean you have to carry everything alone.”

Let Your Spouse Into the Parenting Loop

The challenging part is that since we as military spouses go through so many periods of solo parenting, we might not let our partners in, even when we can. We might just keep things to ourselves or not let them know what is going on.

While sometimes that has to be the case, other times it can be helpful to catch them up when you can. Let them know about any decisions you had to make, and even ask them for their advice if you are able to.

No, they might not be at home right now, but they are still the other parent. And they can help in different ways, even if it isn’t the same as they would have if you were a civilian family.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

The #1 thing to remember as the default parent is to always be taking care of yourself. It’s like the mask on an airplane. Put your own mask on first.

Make time for yourself, even if it’s after the kids go to bed and you stay in your own house. Never feel guilty for having your own hobbies, a job, or a group that your kids are not a part of. Find what works for you. With two special needs kids, it was sometimes difficult to take care of myself, but I had to work to figure it out; I knew it was the healthiest thing to do.

Talk to Someone When It Feels Too Heavy

If you need to, please reach out and talk to someone. It could be a professional, as in a therapist, or maybe just a good friend.

It can be easy to think you are the only one going through what you are going through, but that isn’t true. Even if you choose this life, you can still reach out if it gets to be too hard. Solo parenting is difficult, and military spouses need all the help they can get.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being the Default Parent Military Spouse

Why do military spouses often become the default parent?

Military spouses often become the default parent because deployments, training, field time, duty schedules, and moves can take the service member away from home or make their schedule unpredictable.

How can military spouses handle solo parenting burnout?

Military spouses can handle solo parenting burnout by asking for help, using child care resources when available, finding supportive friends, creating routines, letting go of perfection, and reaching out to a counselor or trusted person when things feel too heavy.

How can I include my spouse in parenting while they are away?

When communication allows, keep your spouse updated on major decisions, ask for their thoughts when possible, share school or medical updates, and let them be part of parenting in the ways they can from a distance.

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.

Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.

Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

1) Some things ARE easier by yourself.

Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.

As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.

When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things.

Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think.

After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) You can do more than you think you can.

Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

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My son was 13 months old when my husband left for Germany to start his Army career, leaving us behind in Kentucky to join him as soon as possible. Other than a trip to my parents’ house when my son was five months old, my husband had always been around to co-parent with me. Then he was gone, across the ocean, and I became a solo parent.

I was lucky. At that time, I would put my son down at 7 pm, and he would sleep until 7 am. However, I couldn’t sleep and would finally close my eyes around 3 am every morning. On four hours of sleep, I had to be both mom and dad. I got burned out very quickly. After 4.5 months of this, we joined my husband in Germany. But my solo parenting days were far from over.

Over the next few years, my husband deployed or was away at training. For months at a time, it was just me with the boys. The longest we went without seeing him was 11 months. That was rough. These days I am still a solo parent with drill weekends and training. And there could always be another deployment in our future.

When your spouse is in the military, you will have to be the solo parent sometimes.

Maybe just for a few weeks, other times for a few months and if you “get lucky” for over a year. The truth is, when you become a solo parent, you have this strong belief that this isn’t the way things were supposed to be. Your spouse was not meant to miss your son’s first birthday. Your spouse was supposed to be there on their first day of kindergarten. They were supposed to be there to help with bedtimes, soccer games, and birthday parties.

When you are married to a service member, they are going to miss those things, and that is going to hurt.

But as a military spouse, you figure out how to make solo parenting work. How to be three places at once, how to say no more often, how to let the little things go and how to make a fantastic dinner of mac and cheese with a side of cereal.

You learn how putting the kids to bed a little earlier will give you some time to take a bubble bath, one that you might need after a long day. You learn to befriend others who get this life and ignore those who don’t. You learn that you are so much stronger and can do so much more than you ever thought you could.

So, to the military spouse who is solo parenting for the first time, there are things you can do to make life a bit easier!

Take things one day at a time

Take everything you are going through one day at a time. Sometimes you might have to take things one hour at a time. That’s okay. Solo parenting is no picnic and most likely getting through the months you have to do it is going to be challenging. But try not to think about how long they will be gone and work through each day as it comes.

Find mom friends

Mom friends are a must when you are solo parenting. Find other moms who are going through deployments too. Make plans to get together on a regular basis. Let your kids play together. This will keep you busy and will give you people who understand what you are going through.

Find playgroups

Play groups are going to be your weekly lifesaver. You can take your kids out to do something fun, to keep them busy and you can make some friends of your own. Playgroups could be the only time of day when you can do something fun outside the house with such small children. MOPS is also a great place to go if you have a MOPS group in your area.

Say no, it’s okay

When you are solo parenting, you might want to say “no” a little more often. And it’s okay to do so. You are not superwomen. You can’t do everything. Your kids need to come first. So figure out what works for them as well as your emotional needs and feel free to say no if there is just too much going on.

Remember, this is temporary

No matter how long a deployment is, it will be temporary, and your spouse will be home again with you and your children. This is hard to remember sometimes, but if you can put the deployment in perspective, that can be helpful.

How do you get through times of solo parenting?

To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

The Lessons You Learn When You Are a Solo Parent

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My son was not even a year old, and my husband and I started talking about him returning to the Army. I remember telling him that I couldn’t possibly parent my son while he was away from us for months and months. I couldn’t possibly do it alone. I needed him!

A few months later, my 13-month-old son and I dropped him off as he headed to Germany as an active-duty soldier. At the time, I had no idea what the next few months or years would bring. I had no idea how much solo parenting I would have to do.

By the time we got to our 4th deployment, I think my husband had been gone more than he had been home. I went through so many months of solo parenting during those early parenting years.

He is home a lot more often these days, and I am so thankful for that. But I will never forget the years he wasn’t. I will never forget all those days as a solo parent that went on for months and months, causing me to have to completely rethink the way I parented and the way I lived my life.

I learned a lot during my periods of solo parenting. I am still learning even now. Taking one parent out of the house changes the dynamic, and you must figure out how to adjust.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned as a solo parent:

You can only do what you can do

You will learn this lesson rather quickly. There is only one of you. You might also be on a limited budget.

You can only do what you can do. You can only be in one place at one time. You will have to make some choices, ones you might not have had to make if you were not a solo parent.

You can do more than you think you can

This is huge! There have been many times when I would cringe and think that I couldn’t get through a deployment or other situation. I felt so overwhelmed. But in the end, I was able to make it through.

Remember, I used to think I couldn’t possibly be a solo parent with one child, and yet in the end, I did, and now I do it with three. We, military spouses, are capable of more than we think.

Some things are actually easier

My husband was gone for many of the newborn years with my 2nd and 3rd babies. And those early months were actually easier in some ways than when he was home with my oldest son. That isn’t to say I would wish him away or be glad he missed those months, not at all.

But the little things, like nursing in the middle of the night, became a lot easier. I didn’t have to worry about waking him up. I didn’t have to worry about being too loud. I could attend to the baby, which was my sole focus.

I am a better parent when my husband is home

As much as I try to look for the good during my time as a solo parent, I am a better parent when my husband is by my side. We are different people and handle situations differently, but I think we complement one another.

If I am getting too stressed out, he can take over. If he needs a break, I can step in. And sadly, when I am solo parenting, I don’t have that. And I miss it.

The small stuff doesn’t matter

As a solo parent, you will stop worrying so much about all the little stuff. There is so much we must think about as moms, and letting some of that go is necessary when your spouse is away. You don’t have the space to worry about it.

Of course, what is “small” might differ for each person. I am okay with a pizza night, but others might not be. I want everyone to sleep in their own beds, but others are all about a family sleepover.

I have also learned that I can’t compare myself to other moms. I just can’t. For one thing, I would compare knowing 100% about myself to the smaller % that others show the world. That isn’t a good way to live your life.

You have to figure out what works for you and your family and what your kids really need. You need to do what is best for your own family and not worry about anyone else. And doing so will bring you a lot of peace.

Self-care is so important

Self-care is always important. But as a solo parent, self-care is a must. And do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself.

If you have small children, see if your base or post offers free childcare options. They might have a Super Saturday or night out you can use. Take advantage of these times, even if all you will do is grab a book and sit at a coffee shop for a bit.

Find things you like to do and make plans to do them. Yes, you want your kids to be okay and live their best lives, but you can also stop and make time for yourself, even if you must be creative to find that time.

Whenever you go through something challenging, there will be lessons to learn along the way. If you are in a season of solo parenting, remember you can get through this and learn from it all as you make your way to the finish line.

What is your best solo parenting tip???

It Doesn’t Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Spouse Still Has To Go Away

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It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Raising children is one of those things you can’t plan for. You can decide when you want to start having children, but you don’t know when they will come, how many you will have, and what their personalities might be. One baby could be extra fussy and the other quieter. Your easy baby could become a difficult toddler and throw you off your game.

As a military spouse, military life can bring extra challenges. You might wonder if your spouse will even be there for the birth. You might have to say goodbye to them right as the terrible twos start or when you think you need them the most.

The military doesn’t take a pause when you are raising small children.

They won’t hold your spouse back just because you are having trouble potty training your child or because they are still wetting the bed longer than you thought they might. They won’t send them home early because your 1st grader is struggling with reading. They won’t stop the mission because a spouse needs a break from solo parenting.

You see, when you are married to someone who has joined the military, you have to give up your two parent household sometimes. And when that happens, it isn’t always going to be convenient. It doesn’t matter if you have small children, your spouse still has to go and might have to be gone for a while.

It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Whatever the situation, as a military family, it will never seem like a good time for your spouse to go away.

You will always feel like you need them. And because of this, you can start to panic. But don’t worry if you do, that is normal.

In a perfect world, our spouse would never have to go. They would be there for every pregnancy craving, every birth, every newborn day, every toddler fit, and every time a child needed both parents in the house. But unfortunately, we live in a military world where they have to go and go often.

If you are feeling the panic of solo parenting, if you are not sure how you will make it through, or if you are worried about going through any stage with your kids by yourself, here are a few things to keep in mind:

You will get creative

One of the first things I have learned about solo parenting with small children is that you will have to get creative. You will figure out ways to make things work in your household. Your life will start to look very different than you thought that your life would, and that’s okay.

They won’t miss everything

Although it might seem like they are going to miss everything having to do with your children, they won’t. They will be home for some things. There will be block leave, where they could have up to a month off, just to spend with their family.

There will be early days, days off, and weekends. When they are home, they will be able to be apart of your family. Although it is so difficult to get over them missing a milestone or a moment you can’t get back with your children, it helps to know that they will be there for other things through the years.

You can find friends who get your life

Finding other military spouses with small children will help you get through the more difficult days of this life. Why? Because they get it.

They understand what having three kids, with no husband coming home at night is like. They understand why you can’t just pack up your one, two, and three years old and fly home for four days for Thanksgiving. They understand cereal for dinner. They get what you are going through.

There are resources to help you

The good news is that there are resources for you while your spouse is gone, and even when they are not. While you won’t be able to find all of these at every duty station, make sure you take a look and see what is going on where you live. Both on post and off.

MOPS, Playgroups, YMCA programs, CYS hourly care, FRG events, New Parent Support, Church groups, Library times, get-togethers with friends, and more can be exactly what you need when you are going through this stage of your life. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you can find things to help.

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

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I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?