Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

solo parenting

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

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6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?

 

It Doesn’t Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

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It Doesn’t Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Raising children is one of those things you can’t plan for. You can decide when you want to start having children, but you don’t know when they will come, how many you will have, and what their personalities might be. One baby could be extra fussy and the other quieter. Your easy baby could become a difficult toddler and throw you off your game.

It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

As a military spouse, military life can bring extra challenges. You might wonder if your husband will even be there for the birth. You might have to say goodbye to them right as the terrible twos start or when you think you need them the most.

The military doesn’t take a pause when you are raising small children.

They won’t hold your spouse back just because you are having trouble potty training your child or because they are still wetting the bed longer than you thought they might. They won’t send them home early because your 1st grader is struggling with reading. They won’t stop the mission because a spouse needs a break from solo parenting.

You see, when you are married to someone who has joined the military, you have to give up your two parent household sometimes. And when that happens, it isn’t always going to be convenient. It doesn’t matter if you have small children, your husband still has to go and might have to be gone for a while.

It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Whatever the situation, as a military family, it will never seem like a good time for your spouse to go away.

You will always feel like you need them. And because of this, you can start to panic. But don’t worry if you do, that is normal.

In a perfect world, our spouse would never have to go. They would be there for every pregnancy craving, every birth, every newborn day, every toddler fit, and every time a child needed both parents in the house. But unfortunately, we live in a military world where they have to go and go often.

If you are feeling the panic of solo parenting, if you are not sure how you will make it through, or if you are worried about going through any stage with your kids by yourself, here are a few things to keep in mind:

You will get creative

One of the first things I have learned about solo parenting with small children is that you, as their mom, will have to get creative. You will figure out ways to make things work in your household. Your life will start to look very different than you thought that your life would, and that’s okay.

They won’t miss everything

Although it might seem like they are going to miss everything having to do with your children, they won’t. They will be home for some things. There will be block leave, where they could have up to a month off, just to spend with their family.

There will be early days, days off, and weekends. When they are home, they will be able to be apart of your family. Although it is so difficult to get over them missing a milestone or a moment you can’t get back with your children, it helps to know that they will be there for other things through the years.

It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

You can find friends who get your life

Finding other military spouses with small children will help you get through the more difficult days of this life. Why? Because they get it.

They understand what having three kids, with no husband coming home at night is like. They understand why you can’t just pack up your one, two, and three years old and fly home for four days for Thanksgiving. They understand cereal for dinner and wine for dessert.

There are resources to help you

The good news is that there are resources for you while your spouse is gone, and even when they are not. While you won’t be able to find all of these at every duty station, make sure you take a look and see what is going on where you live. Both on post and off.

MOPS, Playgroups, YMCA programs, CYS hourly care, FRG events, New Parent Support, Church groups, Library times, get-togethers with friends, and more can be exactly what you need when you are going through this stage of your life. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you can find people to help.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

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19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Solo parenting is the pits. Being the only adult in charge can be challenging. Luckily, there are ways to make solo parenting a little bit easier. Here are some solo parenting hacks to use the next time your spouse deploys, or even just goes away for any amount of time.

1. Meal prep

Planning out your meals is always a good idea. Then, when dinnertime comes around, you won’t be struggling with what to make. This will also save you money each week too.

2. Use your village

If you have your people, use them when you need to. Find friends you can depend on and be there for them too. Working together with others will help you during this period of your life.

3. Get ready the night before

If you have a busy morning, get ready the night before. This means packing lunches, laying out clothes, and anything you would normally have to do in the morning. That way, once you get up, you know what you need to do to get out of the house on time.

4. Follow a schedule

Even if you don’t normally stick to a strict schedule, having some kind of daily routine can be a good idea. It helps keep things movings and will help your kids know what is going on.

5. Stay consistent in your discipline

This is the hardest things to do. When you have to fill the roles of both mom and dad, burnout can happen quickly. Try hard to be consistent in your discipline as much as you can.

6. Use online grocery shopping

Order online. Go pick up. Save yourself the task of taking all your kids into the grocery store once a week.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

7. Trade babysitting with a friend

If you don’t have the extra money to hire a babysitter, or just don’t feel comfortable with doing so, trade babysitting with a friend. This can help both of you out, and you can get things done without having to take your kids with you everywhere.

8. Put kids to bed early

Put your kids to bed early. This will give you more time for yourself and makes the evening hours go by a lot faster. You can do dinner, get them ready for bed, and then have at least an hour or two to clean up or relax.

9. Use paper products sometimes

Sometimes it is okay to take a break from all the dishes and use paper plates. This doesn’t mean you will do this forever, just to get a bit of a break. If the dishes are driving you nuts, use this tip to scale back on what you have to do.

10. Sleep where people need to sleep

If your kids sleep better with you, and you don’t mind, let them sleep there. Fighting sleep during a deployment is the worst. The truth is, when your spouse gets back, you can work on better sleeping arrangements if need be. You and your kids need your rest.

11. Make easy foods

You don’t have to make a big meal every day. Find easy meals to make for you and your kids. Sandwiches and cereal nights can help on busier days. Figure out what meals your kids love and rotate through those instead of always trying to come up with something new.

 

12. Do something fun every day

Plan to do something fun every day. You could just go to the park, the library, or a visit to Chick-Fil-A for their indoor playground. Getting out and doing something everyday will break up the boredom and make the days go by a lot faster.

13. Invite family to come visit and offer a lending hand

If you are close with your family, invite them to stay with you. They can offer a helping hand. They can also see where you live and explore your current city.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

14. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Deployments mean a lot of stress. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Especially when it comes to the kids.

15. Plan for me time

Make sure to plan for “me” time. See if you your kids can go to CYS, stay with a friend, or even a family member. Take bubble baths, read books, and don’t forget about yourself.

16. Don’t beat yourself up

Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t seem to do this deployment. If you start to feel guilty about what you can’t do, you will become overwhelmed with everything. Figure out what is most important and try not to stress about the rest.

17. Take lots of photos

Your spouse will want to see what you are doing when you are gone. Take lots of photos. Then share with your deployed spouse. They will be glad that you did.

18. Give your kids chores

If your kids are old enough, give them chores. Even having your kids help a bit with the dishes and the laundry can take stress off of you. Figure out a good plan for chores for your kids.

19. Make lots of plans with friends

Plan playdates as often as you can. Your kids can play and you can chat with other adults. If you are still looking for friends, get out there and start meeting people. Join a MOPS group or a YMCA playgroup. There should be something going on in your community that you can take your kids to where you can meet other people.

Remember too; solo parenting is a temporary season of your life. While you will have to do it again at some point with a spouse in the military, you won’t always have to do it alone.

What solo parenting hacks have helped you over the years?

To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

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To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First TimeTo the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

My son was 13 months old when my husband left for Germany to start his Army career, leaving us behind in Kentucky to join him as soon as possible. Other than a trip to my parent’s house when my son was five months old, my husband had always been around to co-parent with me. Then he was gone, across the ocean and I became a solo parent.

I was lucky. At that time I would put my son down at 7 pm and he would sleep until 7 am. However, I couldn’t sleep and would finally close my eyes around 3 am every morning. On four hours of sleep, I had to be both mom and dad. I got burned out very quickly. After 4.5 months of this, we joined my husband in Germany. But my solo parenting days were far from over.

Over the next few years, my husband deployed or was away at training. For months at a time, it was just me with the boys. The longest we went without seeing him was 11 months. That was rough. These days I am still a solo parent with drill weekends and training. And there could always be another deployment in our future.

 

When your spouse is in the military, you will have to be the solo parent sometimes.

Maybe just for a few weeks, other times for a few months and if you “get lucky” for over a year. The truth is, when you become a solo parent, you have this strong belief that this isn’t the way things were supposed to be. Your spouse was not meant to miss your son’s first birthday. Your spouse was supposed to be there on their first day of kindergarten. They were supposed to be there to help with bedtimes and soccer games and birthday parties.

When you are married to a service member, they are going to miss those things, and that is going to hurt.

But as a military spouse, you figure out how to make solo parenting work. How to be three places at once, how to say no more often, how to let the little things go and how to make a fantastic dinner of mac and cheese with a side of cereal.

You learn how putting the kids to bed a little earlier will give you some time to take a bubble bath, one that you might need after a long day. You learn to befriend others who get this life and ignore those who don’t. You learn that you are so much stronger and can do so much more than you ever thought you could.

So, to the military spouse who is solo parenting for the first time, there are things you can do to make life a bit easier!

Take things one day at a time

Take everything you are going through one day at a time. Sometimes you might have to take things one hour at a time. That’s okay. Solo parenting is no picnic and most likely getting through the months you have to do it is going to be challenging. But try not to think about how long they will be gone and work through each day as it comes.

Find mom friends

Mom friends are a must when you are solo parenting. Find other moms who are going through deployments too. Make plans to get together on a regular basis. Let your kids play together. This will keep you busy and will give you people who understand what you are going through.

Find playgroups

Play groups are going to be your weekly lifesaver. You can take your kids out to do something fun, to keep them busy and you can make some friends of your own. Playgroups could be the only time of day when you can do something fun outside the house with such small children. MOPS is also a great place to go if you have a MOPS group in your area.

Say no, it’s okay

When you are solo parenting, you might want to say “no” a little more often. And it’s okay to do so. You are not superwomen. You can’t do everything. Your kids need to come first. So figure out what works for them as well as your emotional needs and feel free to say no if there is just too much going on.

Remember, this is temporary

No matter how long a deployment is, it will be temporary, and your spouse will be home again with you and your children. This is hard to remember sometimes, but if you can put the deployment in perspective, that can be helpful.

How do you get through times of solo parenting?

The Reality of Solo Parenting

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The Reality of Solo Parenting

You know that your spouse will have to be away from you when they join the Military. You know that you will have to be alone with the kids. However, nothing can ever prepare you for what solo parenting will be like, how you will be able to handle the time away from your spouse and how hard it will be when they have to leave for months at a time.

The reality of solo parenting is that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

November 2005. That was the first time I was ever a solo parent. My son was 13 months old and my husband left for Germany. Assuming we would join him within a couple of months. Up until that time my husband had been there for everything. Every. Single. Thing. He worked a job where he left the house about 8:30 and was home about 6:30. He had the weekends off. Up until that time, the only days we had been apart were when I took my son down to my parent’s house for about a week.

But November 2005, all that changed when he joined the Army. I wasn’t naive and I knew I would have to be a solo parent. I knew he would be away sometimes.

I knew I would have to do it alone. However, I had no idea how hard that would really be.

I assumed it would be a bit easier than it has been. I was a babysitter for years, I knew how to handle children, right? Sure, I would have to do more but I could handle it, right? I would just have to find a good routine and we would be good, it would be like he wasn’t even gone. Right?

Wrong. That’s not how it went. Not for me anyways. We had adventures, we had good days filled with happy times with friends but at the end of the day it was me, solo with the kids. Me, doing everything that most households split.

Me, in charge, all day and all night.

It was me, pregnant me and a two-year-old. It was me, with a newborn and a husband in a war zone. It was me, trying to plan the days and the nights and weekends alone. It was me, trying to get through everything that I had to because my husband was a soldier. It was me who depended on friends and others because my own family was so far away.

The reality of solo parenting is that it is difficult and some days it does not feel like you will make it through. Other days will make you feel like you are failing this whole parenting thing. There is simply not enough patience or energy to do it all, there just isn’t. I have spent plenty of nights crying myself to sleep over everything. The exhaustion and the worry and the helplessness.

When you solo parent you end up becoming a different type of parent then you would be otherwise.

You don’t worry about certain things and you overstress about others. Like how much your kids are missing their father and if that will hurt them down the road. You might let them stay up a little too late or order pizza too many times.

The good thing about solo parenting in a military community is that other people get it. They understand and they have been there too. Other people can relate and know how difficult it can be to have to be mom and dad to your kids each and everyday.

For me personally, my solo parenting days are coming to an end. This makes me very happy. Although my children are older now and we are almost at the teen years, I am glad I don’t have to do them alone. I know that there are some that spend 20+ years in this life and they are able to do it with grace. Had that been my road, I am not sure if I could have handled it but who really knows? You never know how strong you really are until your faced with having to be as strong as possible.

I hope that what I have learned as a solo parent over the last 11 years can help me encourage others. I have been through it with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and now a tween. Each stage comes with its own set of challenges. Each year was different. And when my husband has been home and we have been a two parent household, life got a little easier. I hung onto those times through the months of separation that left me as the only parent in the home.

My best advice is to take it one day at time, one hour at a time if you need to. Make plans, stay busy and find friends who get it. Know that you are not alone and that you won’t always be in this particular situation. Life goes on, children grow and things change. Be as strong as you can be and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Military Life

Are you in a season of solo parenting? What is the hardest part about it for you?

5 Reasons Why Summer Gets Difficult When You Are Solo Parenting

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5 Reasons Why Summer Gets Difficult When You Are Solo Parenting
I have spent many summers without my husband. I was thinking this morning of the different ways not having your husband home during the summer can make life more difficult than it normally would be. Since my husband is going to be home for a few days during the summer, I am reminded of what I am able to do just because here is here and what I have to do when he isn’t. I am reminded of deployment years and those summers and how difficult they became because I was solo parenting. I have learned to make the summer work as best I can but it still can get pretty hard when you are the only parent in the home during the months your children are out of school.

1) Grocery shopping. Normally I go grocery shopping when at least two of my kids if not all three are in school. No one is asking for extra foods. No one thinks we need to buy every little item of food that they like, no one is freaking out because they don’t want to be there. I can just go in with my list and be done with it. During the summer, I have to take at least two kids with me, if not all three. We always end up with extra stuff, it is always a little chaotic and I always miss those child-free shopping trips.

2) Appointments. Dentist appointments, doctor appointments, etc. I try not to schedule any during the summer but sometimes you have to go. So I have to either find a babysitter or take all the kids with me. This gets a little crazy sometimes. Doctors appointments mean waiting and even if you come prepared, if you have to wait a long time the kids just hit a point and it is pretty frustrating.

3) No time Off. During the school year I have a lot of time to myself. I can get work done, clean in peace or even go to lunch with my friends. During the summer I always have at least one kid with me. My alone time has to just get pushed aside which can get to you sometimes. Luckily, a lot of Military locations do have some sort of childcare for deployments. Here they have Super Saturdays where you can leave your kids with childcare workers from 9-5 on certain Saturdays. I tried to take advantage of this during our last deployment.

4) Later hours. My kids stay up later during the summer. It gets darker later, no need for them to get up as early. It just happens that way. I could stay up later too, after they go to bed. I could give myself more alone time but I get tired too. I usually go to sleep just an hour after they do. During the school year I have a little more time to myself after the boys’ bedtime.

5) No family trips. This is the hardest thing for me sometimes. When your husband is gone all summer long, you won’t be going on any family vacations together. You can take the kids and go on your own vacations but that isn’t always an option for everyone. You just have to wait the summer out and plan to take a vacation once your spouse gets home or has time off. If you are lucky, you might be able to plan R&R during the summer and get away somewhere nice.

What about you? Are you going through a deployment this summer? Does your husband work so much during the summer you never see him? What is the hardest thing about it for you?

7 Activities You Can Do With Your Kids When Your Spouse Isn’t Home On The Weekend

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7 Activities You Can Do With Your Kids When Your Spouse Isn't Home On The Weekend

When my husband is gone during the work week, it is usually fine. Unless I have a really bad day or something like that, I can usually get through it with out a lot crying or feeling too lonely. I am pretty busy with the boys, work, and the house. I can feel as if I have this solo parenting thing down pat.

The weekends are another story. Having your husband gone during the weekends whether they are deployed, gone for training, CQ or have a job that takes them away is very difficult. What works during the week might not work on Saturday and Sunday.

I think it is hard because most of the time, the weekends are family time. From BBQing to going out to eat together to exploring your city, for most people it is time off work and time to connect as a family. You see it on social media and at times, I have had to not check my Facebook as often on the weekends because of it. It is hard to see what all the families are doing when you are missing a part of yours.

I struggle with finding the balance between staying busy and not doing too much. If we do too much during the weekends, my son has a hard time. He needs time at home to chill a bit and just relax. I also need some time like that. Time to just regroup and get ready for the next week.

Here are some great ideas for activities you can do with your kids if your husband is also gone on the weekends:

1) Get together with a friend whose spouse is away too. This can be hard when you don’t live in a Military town but still, ask around. Someone’s husband could be away for work or for some other reason. Some spouses work weekends and although they are home at night, they can’t make any plans with them either. Getting together with a friend is also a great way for your kids to stay busy and have fun with other children. Invite them over or get together at a park to keep it simple.

2) Attend a community event. Every community usually has something going on you can go to. Here in the Ft. Campbell area there are usually at least 2-3 events going on either on post or off that we can choose from. Sometimes they can get canceled for weather but more often than not there is always somewhere fun to take the kids. Even if you go for just an hour or two, it can be worth it.

3) Go for a long walk or bike ride. This can usually be done as a solo parent depending on the ages of your kids. If they are young enough, put them in a stroller and go. I once went on a 5-hour walk when my boys were very young and just took them out in the double stroller. Five hours was a bit much bit it was a great way to pass the time.

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4) Dollar Store Shopping. I did this during Spring Break but it can work on a boring weekend too. Give each child $1, take them to the dollar store and let them pick out something to play with. It gives them a chance to make a decision, it’s a lot of fun and then they will be busy the rest of the afternoon or even into the next day. Usually, the toys they pick won’t last too long but they only cost a dollar.

5) Go to the movies. This one can get a little more expensive than you might want. If you are lucky enough to have a cheap theater in your area, take advantage of it. Find a movie that all of your children will enjoy and go. The kids will love it and you can help keep the “I’m so lonely and sad” feelings away.

6) Call your mom or a friend. Sometimes when it gets too hard during the weekends I like to call my mom. She can always make me feel better and it is nice to catch up with her. If you can’t call your mom, try a friend or another family member. Even if you just talk for a little bit it can change the tone of your whole day.

7) Go to the park. This is always my go to when there is nothing else to do or we don’t want to spend any money. It’s free. I bring a book and some snacks. The boys bring their energy and we are good to go. Now that the weather is warmer I plan to do this a little more often. Sometimes we even stop for ice cream cones on the way home.

 

I hope if you are feeling the lonely weekend coming on you can pick something from this list to keep you going. Bring a camera with you and take some pictures to share with Dad. You all will have fun and he will enjoy seeing what you guys have been up to while he is away.

Do you struggle with weekends too?

 

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

It was mid 2005. My husband had just gone to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was because he would have to drive a few hours to get to his drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it. I laugh at my old self. Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle it. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that Active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers in November of 2005 and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months and one time almost a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

1) Somethings ARE easier by yourself. Take middle of the night feedings. Ben was gone when #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night. As hard as it was to do that alone, it also was nice to not have to worry about waking him up. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do. When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. It can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things. Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little choices you have to make when it comes to parenting. It is all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but it is nice to not butt heads over something small. It is nice to have that freedom to do what you think you need to do each day.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think. After you put the kids to bed, you have your me time. It gives you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) I can do more than I think I can. Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do it, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your husband home when they are away? Yep. Can you make it work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

 

 

The Difficulties of Solo Parenting

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I have heard it said that Military wives or any wife whose husband has to go away for work should not call themselves a single mom. I agree with this. We are not single moms. We do however go through periods of time as a solo parent. It could be weeks or it could be months or even a year or longer.

Being a solo parent means you are responsible for everything in the house having to do with the kids from day-to-day to the big decisions. This might depend on where your husband might be at the moment and how often he can talk to you.

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It means being mom AND dad for a period of time. It means not as many breaks.

It means doing it all for a temporary amount of time.

People tell us that they don’t know how we do it. How we get through the solo parenting times. How we can fill the role of mom and dad.

It’s not something that I would ever consider easy. It is the hardest part of deployments for me personally. It drains you, it puts you into survival mode. It makes you handle parenting a little differently than you might otherwise handle it.

There is the day-to-day. If you have a baby, everything from the feeding a to the diapers is all you. No one to hold them when you need a 5 min break, no one to change that diaper when you have had enough for the day. It’s hard!

With toddlers and preschoolers you are always moving. You are the one planning their days and figuring out bedtime. You make all the meals and tear your hair out trying to figure out what to feed them sometimes. It’s hard!

When you have school aged kids you are the one doing all the school stuff. You are the one taking them to scouts, soccer and church programs. You are the one telling them it will be okay and that daddy will be home soon. It’s hard!

Parenting is hard for everyone, Military families or civilian ones. 

It’s tough to take care of little kids day in and day out. Adding in solo parenting just makes it even more stressful. Not having that other set of parenting hands can take it toll.

I really think having a good support group and being able to change your perspective a little can really go a long way during these periods of time. Knowing you always have another mom or friend to call and hang with when you need it can be like medicine to the soul.

Realizing that your solo parenting days are limited is also a way to help you get through it. Don’t get me wrong, some days are harder than others. Some days no matter what you tell yourself you are going to feel pretty bad about the situation. However, some days, that simple reminder that there is an end date to the madness can help you at least get through until bedtime.

I always used to tell myself that this just time that separated us from life without my husband and life where I had my husband home.

Just days on a calendar I needed to get through.

If you are in the mist of solo parenting, know that you are not alone. Know that it won’t last forever and know that you can get through it too. It’s a frustrating part of Military life but one you can endure with support from those around you and the knowledge that there is an end date in your future.

How do you handle periods of solo parenting?

 

 

When You Have To Fill The Role Of Mom And Dad

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When You Have To Fill The Role Of Mom And Dad

One reality of being a military wife is that for periods of time I have to be both mom and dad.  I have to do it all.  And that can be really really hard.  I have had to make a lot of decisions that other couples might make together.  And then I get to tell daddy after the fact.

This is because of schedules and what he has been doing while overseas. While I could talk with him it was hard to ask him about what I should do when it came to the kids. It was easier to just figure it all out for myself. I was the one with the kids on a day to day basis and he wasn’t. Kids change so much when they are little that when a military member is overseas for a longer length of time they really do not know their own children anymore.

I had to make the decision to get my son tested for his speech delay.  I had to make the decision to supplement with formula.  I had to be the one to potty train my son all by myself.  If your husband is in the military, you know exactly what I mean.  It can be very difficult having to make these decisions by yourself, not having your other half there to evaluate and help you decide.  Even when you can ask them, they might not know what to tell you because they are not there to see the whole picture.
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We are the sole disciplinarian for months at a time.  We decide when dinnertime is, when bedtime is and when playtime is.   Then they come home…

Now, what?  All of a sudden you no longer have to be both mom and dad.  You no longer are the only parent in the house.  But sometimes that can be a really hard transition.  And then once you do get it all worked out, they have to leave again.

This can be a frustrating part of living the military life. It takes a lot of patience from both of you to figure out the best way for Dad to find his way back into the family. Some children will react differently than others and it is important to remember this. Some kids will get used to the other parent right away and others won’t. Many tears will be shed over it and you might even find yourself thinking that it was easier in some ways when they were not there. Then you stop yourself and realize that no, it was much harder and if you can get through this transition your whole family will be better for it.

I imagine life will be like this for us until the day comes that my husband is not longer in the Army.  It’s just something we have to work at and struggle with.

What are your tips for the parent coming back into the family after being away for a time? What has worked in your family?

 

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