Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

6 Smart Tips for Your First Deployment Day

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We learned from the last time and decided to drop my husband off a few hours before he would have to leave. I didn’t want to stick around until the last moment. We hugged, we kissed and took some videos. Knowing full well that our boys would be that much older when he would see them again. Knowing that we would both grow and change as people, on our own and thousands of miles away from each other.

One last hug, one last kiss. I put the boys in the car, I turned to the back seat and told them, “We got this. We totally got this.” And then, I drove away, leaving my husband in the background, knowing that this deployment would be another challenging period of time our family would have to endure.

The day you drop off your spouse will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last hug, the last kiss, the last touch, the goodbye, watching them walk away from you. Watching them disappear not knowing when you will see them again or what life will be like when you do.

What can you do on this deployment day? How can you get through it?

Plan the rest of the day

Make sure you have plans for after you say goodbye. Go to dinner with friends, order take out and have a movie night, go for a long walk or even do something normal like go grocery shopping. If you need to, go home and cry. That’s okay too. Just know that the first day is going to be a shock to your system. It’s not going to seem real and getting through the first part of a deployment is going to take some time.

Find friends

Make a list of friends you can call during your deployment. Who do you want to get together with? Who do you want to spend your time with? Who can you depend on? Start making plans with them and have a backup plan in case of emergencies. If you don’t have any friends where you live, make plans to find some. Go to local groups, attend FRG meetings and try to get out and be social, at least every few days. If you have a long-distance friend you can count on, give them all call and let them know the deployment has started. They can be there for you too.

Fill your calendar

You should have a rough idea about how long the deployment is going to be. Know that the dates can change, and by quite a few months sometimes too. However, if you can plan out the months they will be gone, you will feel better about the time they are away. Plan a trip, sign up for a class, start a new hobby and connect with your community. Find out about local events and sign up for any group that looks interesting to you.

Make goals

The first day they are gone is a good time to make your deployment goals if you haven’t already. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to work on? Do you want to become a reader? Repaint your home? Go back to school? Having these goals to work through will help you stay busy and accomplish things when your spouse is deployed.

You can cry

Some of us cry more than others. That’s okay. It might be the smallest of things that cause the water works to come. That’s okay too. You will probably want to cry a lot that first day and into the next. That is okay and normal. Crying is our bodies way of getting out the sadness and most of the time, the day after a good cry is a much better deployment day.

Buy your favorite meal

Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Make something ahead of time, order food to go or even take yourself out to eat. Having a nice meal on your more difficult days can be a good way to get through them. Since the first day they are gone is going to be the most difficult, having something good to eat will be comforting to you. Figure this out ahead of time so you have a plan when you drop them off.

Remember that not every deployment day is going to be as hard as that first day was. Some days will be good, others will take you down but remember, deployments do not last forever and somehow you will get through. Whether the deployment is just a few weeks, a few months or over a year, you will have a homecoming date to look forward to.

If your spouse just left for a deployment, you can use my Guide to the First 30 days of a deployment by signing up for my mailing list!

25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

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25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

Solo parenting was one of the first things I experienced as a new military spouse. And as challenging as I found it, I learned quickly that I would be doing a lot of solo parenting in the years to come. Sometimes it would be for long periods of time as in the case of deployments, and other times for just a weekend of a few weeks of training as a National Guard spouse.

There is no one perfect way to get through times of solo parenting. Sometimes you just take that season of your life one day at a time. Here are 25 quick tips for solo parenting through a deployment to help you on your military spouse journey:

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Try to let it go as much as possible.
  2. Keep any important documents you might need in a safe and handy spot. If you need a birth certificate, you will know exactly where to go to get it.
  3. Track all appointments, activities, and events. Write it all down. You are the only adult and you can’t possibly remember everything.
  4. Make daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists. This also goes with writing everything down.
  5. Plan your meals in advance. Get pizza once a week. Have sandwich nights.
  6. Create an arts and crafts center in your home. Have the kids make stuff to send to the deployed parent. Plus, it’s a good way to keep them busy on boring days.
  7. Go to the library. Check out some books. Figure out what programs they have. Libraries are great places and offer a lot of things to do.
  8. Plan multiple playdates a week. Your kids will love it, and so will you. Still meeting people? Go to the park and try to find new friends, for both you and your kids.
  9. Celebrate all the things. Birthdays, holidays, 50 days in, etc. Celebrate it all! In any way you want.
  10. Have virtual parties including your service member.
  11. Send fun care packages. Allow the kids to help you.
  12. Keep up with all medical appointments, including your own. You don’t want to get behind.
  13. Have a list of phone numbers you can call in an emergency situation. Can anyone watch your kids if you have to go to the ER? Who do you call if you need a plumber? Having all these numbers together will give you a bit of peace of mind even if you never have to use them.
  14. Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling during the deployment. This time apart from one parent can be hard on them too, however, each child handles deployments differently.
  15. Create movie nights or pizza nights. Invite friends and neighbors. Create those fun memories with you and your kids.
  16. Figure out ways to have one-on-one time with each child if you have more than one. Maybe that is taking one for ice cream while the other is in school, or letting an older child stay up for special time with you.
  17. Continue your bedtime routines, but tweak them a little to make them work a bit better while your spouse is away. This could mean moving them up by 30 minutes or adding special prayers for the deployment parent.
  18. Remember, self-care is important, even if you have to be creative to find ways to get it. Take some time for yourself in any way you can. Maybe it is having a nice bubble bath, maybe it is just sitting out on your balcony for 15 minutes after bedtime, but find ways to relax. You will need it during seasons of solo parenting.
  19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I know this is hard to do. But sometimes we do need that help from someone else.
  20. Find hobbies you can focus on. Hobbies that make you smile and bring you joy.
  21. Create a chore chart for your kids, even preschoolers can do something to help. You can all work together to run the household.
  22. Create a deployment budget. Especially if your service member will be making extra money during the deployment. You want to make sure you are making your money work for you and not just spending without thinking, which can be easy to do. Save, pay down debt, and allow yourself some grace when it comes to what you spend.
  23. Make a list of people you can call just to chat with when you are feeling down. Find people, either family or friends, that will listen to you vent, and encourage you as a solo parent.
  24. Find local support groups or other types of groups to keep meeting people. You can even find online support groups.
  25. Go for a walk. Walk around your neighborhood, the mall, or a local park. Whatever works. Try to get out and walk on a regular basis. Not only is walking good exercise, it is also good for the soul.

9 Things That Will Make Your Life Easier During a Deployment

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Things That Will Make Your Life Easier During a Deployment

When my kids were little, I had no access to grocery pickup or delivery. I think it may have existed at a specialty grocery store but not something I could use regularly, especially when we were stationed in Germany during a deployment. That meant that if I needed groceries when my husband was deployed, I had to take my kids with me.

As they got a little older I could go when at least one of them was in school or even trade off babysitting with a friend. But there will still be times when I did have to take them to the grocery store with me and that was never easy.

These days we have access to so much more. Grocery delivery and pickup are available almost anywhere, even the Commissary. If I wanted to, I could Door Dash a Frappuccino and something from Walgreens. What a time to be alive!

The truth is, things like grocery delivery can make life a lot easier for us during a deployment. Sometimes we might just need a reminder to help us out. Here are 9 tips that will make your life easier during a deployment.

Use grocery delivery

Using grocery delivery or pickup will save you some time. You won’t have to take your kids with you to the grocery store, and ordering online can save you money at the grocery store. You also won’t end up with an extra bag of Oreos in your cart.

Accept help

I know, accepting help is a hard thing to do. But some people in our lives do want to help. If someone offers to help, accept it. You will be glad you did. Even if it is something small.

Simplify dinner

Maybe simplifying dinner means making the same 5 meals every week. Maybe you want to sign up for a meal service, (wait for good deals), or maybe you will just plan for cereal for dinner once a week. Do whatever you can, based on your love or hate of being in the kitchen, to simply your meals.

Battle buddies

Find friends you can vent to, hang with, and go through the deployment with. Make memories and help each other out. Going through a deployment with other people by your side,(even virtually), makes everything a lot easier.

Get into reading

There is nothing better than a book series that will draw you in and that you won’t want to put down. Reading can be an escape and a great way to wind down after a stressful day. Whether you are a big reader or never felt like you had the time, pick up a book this deployment, and get lost in another world.

Hire someone if you can

This will depend on each person and your own family’s situation, but if you can, hire someone to help. You can hire someone to help with cleaning, mowing the lawn, babysitting, or any other task you don’t want to do yourself. If your budget allows, doing so can make your life a little easier.

Let go of the stupid stuff

There is a lot of stupid stuff in our lives, and we need to let go of it, especially during a deployment. Simplify your routine, and stay away from the drama. Get rid of some of the stress that you really don’t have to deal with. Don’t say yes to everything. Know your limits. That will make life much easier for yourself during a deployment.

Find a focus

What will your focus be during this deployment? Will you be focused on your job? Will you go back to school? Or maybe you want to learn some new skills? Create a deployment bucket list of things you want to focus on. Take the time that your spouse is away to get things done.

Remember self-care

Taking care of yourself is an important part of getting through a deployment. Yes, even if you have small children. Figure out what you can do to take time for self-care. It is a must!

What types of things make your life easier during a deployment?

Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

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Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

The deployment begins, and you get into a routine. You have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Then, you hit a slump. Still, so many months left to go. Still, so many more deployment days to get through. Then, you get a homecoming date.

If you have been through a deployment before, you know this date will change. At the same time, you know that simply having a date is a good sign. It means things are wrapping up. It means you are getting close to the end of a deployment.

Having that date means that there is probably a unit ready to replace your spouse’s unit. It means that boxes from the desert will start to appear on your doorstep and it means that you will be told to no longer send any mail.

All these signs together are good ones that tell you, the military spouse, that your deployment days are coming to an end.

And then, somehow, someway, you have made it, and you have one week left of the madness. One week left of sleeping alone. One week left of being both mom and dad to your children.

That last week of deployment isn’t going to be easy. Even though you are at the end, even though you can now countdown in hours, that last week will drive you crazy.

The last week of your deployment

You are almost there. You are almost done but not quite. You are almost to the end of a deployment.

You still have to wait. Through flight changes, weather scares, and anything else that might get in your way.

Your mind will play tricks on you, worried that things will change and they will get extended. You worry about what things will be like when they get back home. You wonder how your children will do and what your spouse will think of the changes you have made during the time they have been away.

That last week will be exhausting. You might not be able to sleep. You might not even want to eat. You will clean your home and then clean it again, forgetting that your spouse isn’t going to care if it passes a white glove test.

You will want time to fly and yet feel like you are not going to be ready for the day they come home.

That last week is a weird time as you run around getting everything done and also counting down the seconds until you see your spouse again.

The last week of your deployment

You will be asking a friend to come with you to take photos or booking a photographer. You will be finalizing your homecoming outfit. You will be wondering what to have on hand for that first meal together or wonder if it would be best to stop for food on the way home from picking them up.

You will reflect on the months they were away. On the memories, you made without them. On the friendships, you developed. You will start to think about how your friendships will in fact change once your spouses are back home, especially if one of you is supposed to PCS sometimes soon after homecoming.

You will look at your children and remember how little they were when their mom or dad left.

You will wonder what life will be like parenting in person again and what fun things your family can do together now, as a full family.

You will look back and see how strong you have been. You will see the months that went by, the long deployment road you walked along, sometimes crawled along to get yourself to the finish line.

You might be worried that your spouse will come home different. That your already rocky marriage might not survive reintegration. You are not sure if you will go through with that divorce or seek the counseling you think that you need.

For some, that last week of deployment is a terrifying time when you are just not sure what life will be like, and that scares you. The truth is, reintegration can be the hardest part of a deployment, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. You have changed, they have changed, and now you need to work together to get started on the post-deployment chapter of your lives.

Deployments are a part of military life. They start, then they end, and all the time in between is you figuring out how to get through them, even if that is taking it one day at a time.

You can find more deployment posts here! 

When The Deployment Days Simply Don’t Want To Move

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Anyone who has gone through a deployment knows that some parts of the deployment move faster than others. In fact, the first few weeks and the last few weeks are the longest. Or they feel like it anyway.

Some parts of your deployment are going to fly. You will get into a good routine, you have filled up your calendar and then boom, the days come to a halt. Time slows down, and it seems like the deployment will never be over.

If you have hit that deployment wall, when the days don’t want to move, here are a few things to do to help get things moving again:

Redo your schedule

Take a look at your daily schedule. Where can it be tweak? How can you add something new? Changing things up can help the days get moving again. See what you can change to make life more exciting during the deployment and to improve your daily routine.

Look for new friends

It never hurts to make new friends. Go somewhere new to meet more people. Go to that meeting that has always looked interesting to you. Start taking your kids to the local park. See what you can do that will put you in touch with other people. Making friends isn’t always easy but the more people you are around, the easier making friends will be.

Deployment days

Plan a trip

Can you go on a trip somewhere? What about a weekend back home? Can you plan a trip for the next month? If you can’t go anywhere right now, can you plan a trip for after the deployment? Planning a trip takes time and energy and might be just what you need to get time moving again.

Go on a long walk

Sometimes getting out in nature for a while can help you put things in perspective. If you have places to walk near your home, head on out and move your feet. If you don’t, find out about trails and parks in your city or even at your duty station. If you have small children, you can take them in the stroller. If you have older children, turn it into a nature walk.

Listen to more music

Music is good for your soul. Make a playlist. Add your favorite songs. Look for new songs to add. Whenever you are feeling like time isn’t moving, put on your music. Start dancing or exercise with the music on. Music will make you feel better.

Start a new project

When you feel like the deployment will never end, it could be time to work on that project you have always wanted to complete. Focusing on something else will help get things moving again. Need some ideas? How about repainting a room, getting all the pictures off your phone and onto your walls, or decluttering your garage?

deployment days

Countdown to the little things

Is your baby turning one soon? Are you excited about a new book release? Can’t wait for This Is Us to be back this fall? Make countdowns for little things in your life that you can celebrate. This can be a fun way to countdown during a deployment without counting down the actual days. Celebrate the fun things in your life, and that can make everything you are going through easier to deal with.

Look how far you have come

In the end, look how far you have come. You can do this whole deployment thing, even if it seems like time is at a stand still. You have already gone through so many days, and you can do a bit more. Looking back on how many days you have already gone through can remind you that you are getting through this deployment, even if it is one day at a time.

What do you do during a deployment when it feels like time is at a stand still?

When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier

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When Deployments Don't Get Any Easier

When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier

I couldn’t believe he was leaving again. Just two weeks before we had thought that he wasn’t going to go. Now he was and it was time to say goodbye. This time, he was leaving very early in the morning.

We were all there, my three boys and I. We took some photos and said goodbye. Knowing that when he returned they would all be a little bigger. They would be doing new things and we would have made a lot of memories together without him.

I knew this deployment wasn’t going to be our longest deployment. This deployment was my 4th one and I should know what to do at this point. We had been through this before, for longer, with younger children.

My children were older now. They were 8, 6 and 2. Not old enough to be left on their own but old enough to not feel like I was surrounded by very small children. Two of them were in school. That would make things easier right?

The reality was, deployments never got easier for me.

They just didn’t. They got shorter and in some ways harder. I never went through an “easy” deployment, who has? But if I had to pick I would have chosen my 2nd deployment. Even though it was a year-long and only because of what I was able to do during that deployment that I was not able to do the others.

As I started our 4th deployment, I knew that this one might possibly break me. It would challenge me in ways that our 15-month deployment never did. Was this because it was our 4th deployment in 7 years? Was it because we thought he wasn’t going to deploy at one point?

Or maybe it because I knew he was ETSing soon after and this was going to be the last one? Was it because my son had been diagnosed with Asperger’s and that was a challenge for us even when my husband was home? Was it because I wasn’t close to anyone else going through the deployment? Was it because we lived off-post?

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why some parts of military life are more difficult than others.

You would think that after that many deployments I would be “good” at going through them. I even heard comments such as, “Well at least you have been through a deployment before” and I would shake my head yes while inside I was screaming that I didn’t think I could go through another deployment again.

I somehow made my way to that deployment finish line but doing so was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. The time he was gone felt so very long. I ended up having to see a counselor in order to get through the time my husband was deployed. I had to find extra help in order to make it through.

It’s been over five years since my husband got home from that deployment and I still can’t think about that time without a feeling of dread. That deployment showed me that deployments don’t get any easier the more you go through them.

If I have learned one thing about deployments during my time as a mililtary spouse, it is this, they are all different.

Even if they are the same length and to the same location. Your kids will be different ages, you will be surrounded by different people, and your own emotions might be in a different place each and every time. Some deployments will be easier than others but you might not know that going in.

The best thing to do is the plan for each deployment like this deployment is going to be your hardest. Equip yourself with tools to help you through the deployment. Find people who can support you and never assume the time he is away is going to be smooth sailing.

You might end up surprised at how you handle things. You never really know what is going to set you off and you never really know what will make the deployment easier until the countdown begins. All you can do is prepare as much as possible and know that everyone struggles with deployments, although in different ways.

Have you experienced a difficult deployment even though that deployment was not your first? What have you done to get through them?

The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

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The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

I do a lot of reflecting sometimes. I have always kept a journal and I like to think about where we have been as a couple and a family and where we are going. We have had to make a lot of choices over the years.

When to have kids. To move across the country. To join the military. To buy a house. To stay in Tennessee. To join the National Guard.

Sometimes it is way too easy to look back and think we shouldn’t have made certain choices. However, I don’t like to look at my life like that. Is it possible we made bad choices in the past? Yes. Does that mean the rest of our lives are messed up? No.

One of the biggest life-changing choices we made was for my husband to re-enlist in the military at age 30. It was something that we talked about for months beforehand. We had no idea what life would be like as a military family.

As I think back over the last 18 years as a Military spouse, I think in the end there have been many blessings in our marriage because of military life. Don’t get me wrong. Would I have preferred to have a husband who had never left us? Perhaps, but that wasn’t how life has been for us. 

For the last 18 years, we have said goodbye to each other too many times to count. I have been in solo parenting land off and on and that gets to me. I never thought I would be parenting alone so much of the time. This life hasn’t been easy.

But at the end of the day, there are blessings in a Military marriage.

We know what missing our spouse is like. Can you imagine never missing your spouse? I can’t.

I am not sure what that would be like? After so much time in this lifestyle, I can’t even wrap my mind around never having to miss him.  

I think missing someone can grow the relationship in a way nothing else can. If your spouse is gone and you don’t miss them at all, what does that say? It tells you something isn’t quite right. It tells you that there is probably a reason why you don’t and you and your spouse need to figure it out.

Homecomings can be the highlight of our Military experience. The feeling you get when you see your spouse again is hard to explain unless you have been through a long separation. Knowing that the months of waiting and worrying has come to a close and knowing you will finally be back in each other’s arms can be the spark that your marriage needs.

Watching your spouse in their uniform can be inspiring. You know they are doing something good in the world and you are there to support them through the mission. Knowing that you and your spouse are a part of history, and working to make the world a better place is a good feeling. There is just something about feeling that way that can help your marriage thrive.

I remember during one of our R&Rs my husband told us that through these deployments we will become that much stronger. I think this is the case for us but I know the reality that it isn’t always the case. I think deployments either make you stronger as a couple or can cause you to break.

If you are new to military life and are worried a bit about your marriage, keep in mind that there are blessings of a Military marriage. As hard as the lifestyle might be, they are there if you look for them. Hopefully, over the years, you will be able to look back and see them. I know we have.

How do you feel that the military has blessed your marriage?

Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

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Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself during deployment is figure out what you can tell yourself when you hit a low point. Little reminders, quotes, and inspiration can go a long way in helping you get through this time apart. There is something about reminding yourself why you can do this, or even how you can make it through can turn your deployment day around.

If you need some ideas, here is a list of 20 inspirational quotes for military spouses to use during deployment.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“In the face of adversity, we have a choice. We can be bitter, or we can be better.” – Maya Angelou

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll

“Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Success is not about the destination; it’s about the journey.” – Zoë Saldana

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” – Roy T. Bennett

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” – Vivian Greene

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” – Dolly Parton

“No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better.” – Unknown

“Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine

“Out of difficulties grow miracles.” – Jean de La Bruyère

“You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.” – Brian Tracy

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H.G. Wells