Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

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How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

When my husband deployed for the first time my oldest son was 23 months old and I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was a new mom with some parenting experience under my belt. I was still learning a lot, and we were slowly leaving the baby stage. And just like that, it was just my son and me.

A few months later our 2nd little boy was born. My husband came home for R&R and met him when he was three days old. He left again when he was almost three weeks and didn’t come home again for 11 months.

During all this time I was a solo parent. My husband was overseas, fighting in a war and I was in charge of two little boys. I was still growing and learning as a parent, but I didn’t get the chance to do that with my husband. I did this by myself, and that changed so much about the way I would parent in the years to come.

How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

We have been through other deployments since but there is just something about that deployment that sticks out to me. Something about that deployment changed me into the person I am today, into the parent I am today. That deployment was about survival for me, getting through each and every day.

Every day I had to make sure everyone was fed, clothed and got enough sleep. Once bedtime came, I felt like I had accomplished something big. I always feel that way during a deployment but especially during that first one.

That long deployment taught me a few things about parenting that stick with me to this day.

Long Deployment

You Have To Let Things Go

There are so many parenting choices out there. From breastfeeding vs. formula, to how you give birth and how you discipline. What I learned during deployments was that the little debates we have don’t matter. You have to do what is right for you.

I can’t beat myself up if a parenting choice isn’t going to work for us anymore. As long as my children are being taken care of and being raised in a loving home, nothing else really matters. I couldn’t do everything, and I was only one person.

Don’t Judge Other Parents

We all have our circumstances and different experiences which shape us into who we are. We all have reasons for why we do the things we do as a parent. We might not totally understand why other parents do things the way they do, but as long as they are not abusing or hurting their child, we shouldn’t be judging them about their own parenting journeys. Most parents are trying to do what is best and we should respect that.

Things Would Be Different If My Husband Never Had To Go Away

I think things would be very different for me if my husband never had to go away, especially for over a year when my kids were so small. I would have an extra person to bounce ideas off of. Potty training with my oldest wouldn’t have taken so long. I probably would have been able to breastfeed for a little longer, and life would be a little calmer during those years.

But my husband is in the Army, so he does have to go away for periods of time. I have to work with this and do the best I can. I can’t spend too much energy beating myself up for the choices I have made during deployments. There are other lives we could be living, but those lives are not where we are. 

long deployment

My parenting is always evolving. Based on the kids and our experiences. Based on when my husband is home and when he isn’t. Things are always changing, and I am always surprised by each stage. I never truly know how our family will handle them or how much my husband would be a part of that stage of our lives.

As I look ahead at another possible deployment and the ages my kids will be, I know that deployment will be very different from the one we went through back in 2006 and 2007. We will have different challenges and even if I don’t want to, I might have to handle some of those alone.

I could easily look back over the years and call myself a bad parent. My kids watched too much tv and have probably had too much pizza. They don’t always get to do all the things they could do if we had always had two parents in the home. That is our life, and as they get older, I can see more and more that they will look back on their childhoods with good and happy memories.

The 15-month deployment we went through set me up for my years of parenting, for good or for bad. Going through that has made me the mom and the person I am today. For good and for bad. I want to embrace that instead of crying over what else could have been.

How has parenting changed for you because of deployments?

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

Thank You For Your Service

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Thank You For Your Service

This post contains affiliate links!

Thank You For Your Service

In August of 2006, my husband deployed with his Unit out of Schweinfurt, Germany to Iraq. In January of 2007, President George W. Bush increased the number of American troops to provide security to Baghdad and Al Anbar Province. He extended the tour of most of the Army troops and some of the Marines.

In April of 2007, we got the news that our husbands would not be home in June, but that they would be a part of this surge. My husband returned in November of 2007 after a 15-month deployment.

On October 27th of this year, the movie Thank You For Your Service will be coming out starting Miles Teller, Haley Bennett, and Amy Schumer. The movie, which is directed by Jason Hall, is based on the book by David Finkel, Thank You For Your Service. 

Finkel was embedded with the men of the 2-16 Infantry Battalion during the surge in Iraq where he wrote his best-selling book, The Good Soldiers. Thank You For Your Service is about these same men when they returned home after their 15-month deployment.

The movie is the story of soldiers returning from war, dealing with the aftermath and trying to move forward. Miles Teller plays SGT Adam Schumann, a soldier who leaves Iraq as a broken man and Haley Bennett plays Saskia Schumann, Schumann’s wife.

From the previews I have seen, this movie looks to be very good, yet will be hard for a lot of us to watch. Even as I type this, I am getting emotional thinking about that deployment and everything the men and the spouses went through and are still going through, 10 years later.

I think this is an important story for all Americans to hear about. To know what those who have served have been through and what really can happen after the homecoming. That not everyone returns from a war the same and that there is so much that has to be worked through, especially after such a long deployment.

And for those of us that can identify with this on a personal level, I hope we can talk to others about what we have been through, and find support through one another.

Thank You For Your Service will be in theaters October 27th. 

 

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

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25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

One of the most popular topics that come up in military spouse circles is if you should go home for a deployment or stay where you are. There are a lot of different opinions on this issue from those who go home even before their spouse leaves to others who wouldn’t even go home to visit.

You need to figure out if going home for a deployment is right for you or if staying where you are is the better choice. In case you are trying to decide, here are 25 reasons to not go home for a deployment:

  • Because you love your home

When you love your own home, why would you want to leave it for an extended period of time?

  • Because you want to be around other military spouses

Going through a deployment with other military spouses can be a very good thing. You guys can support each other.

  • Because your kids are in school

When you kids start school, it is a lot harder to pull them out to move somewhere new. You want them to stay put.

  • Because your kids are involved in the community

Whether they like to play sports or are involved in local art groups, your kids might be really involved in your local community. Moving them when you don’t have to can be a big loss.

  • Because you would lose your house

In a lot of cases, if you move home for the deployment, you could lose your home. It’s possible that you can easily get a new home when you get back but you will still have to worry about moving your stuff out when you leave.

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

  • Because you don’t have a good place to stay back at home

If you don’t have a good place to stay back home, going back doesn’t make sense.

  • Because home is now where you live, not where your family is

When I say home, you might think where you live now, not where your family is.

  • Because you want to be involved in the FRG

The FRG can be a lifesaver during a deployment. You might be someone who wants to be involved in that. Leaving would make doing so a lot harder.

  • Because you like where you are stationed

If you like where you are stationed, you won’t want to leave.

  • Because you want to explore where you live now

During the deployment is the perfect time to explore where you live. Then you can bring your spouse to your favorite places after they get back.

  • Because your best friends live at your duty station

If you have best friends at your duty station, leaving them would make things harder, not easier.

  • Because your spouse would like you to stay

In some cases, your spouse might prefer you stay put. This is something to discuss and talk about so you can come up with the right decision for your family.

  • Because you want to be there in case they come home early

Sometimes deployments do get cut short and in that case, it can be hard to move back to your duty station in enough time. Staying put can avoid that.

  • Because you have a job

If you have a job, you will want to stay where you are and work on your career.

  • Because you are in school

School is important too. And moving home can complicate your educational schedule.

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

  • Because you have 100 house projects you want to work on when they are gone

Working on projects is one way to stay busy during a deployment. If you have projects you want to work on, stay in your own home and get them done.

  • Because you have pets

Uprooting pets isn’t the easiest thing in the world, and then you have to find a place where all of your can live.

  • Because you don’t get along with your family

Why would you want to move in with people you really don’t get along with?

  • Because you know you won’t get any support back home

If you don’t have a support system, the deployment is going to be a lot more difficult. You need that deployment support.

  • Because you have a good babysitter where you are now

Good babysitters are amazing. If you have one in your area, hang on to them and never let them go.

  • Because you feel safe where you are now

Feeling safe during a deployment is important.

  • Because you like living in a military community

Being in the military community can be what you need during a deployment. There is so much to gain from being in one.

  • Because you feel like you would go back a few years staying with your family for an extended period of time

Sometimes going back home makes you feel 17 again. If this is the case, going home for a deployment won’t be ideal.

  • Because you can always visit and don’t see the need to move

You can always visit home, maybe for a weekend or even a few weeks. You don’t have to completely move in to experience the benefits of spending some time with your family.

  • Because you simply don’t have to desire to spend the deployment anywhere but the home you and your spouse have created

At the end of the day, there are people that want to go home and others who don’t. Use this list as well as my list of 25 reasons to go home for a deployment to figure out what will work for you and your family.

What have you done during your deployments?

Creating A Deployment Haven In My Bedroom

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Creating A Deployment Haven In My Bedroom

I received a free NECTAR mattress in exchange for this honest review. There are also affiliate links in this blog post.

Creating A Deployment Haven In My Bedroom

One thing that has helped me during deployments or time apart from my husband is having a place to go when I was feeling down or sad about my situation. Having a comfy place to read, watch tv, or write in my journal is my place to get out of my funk and work through the difficult deployment day.

What do you need to make a deployment haven?

To create your own deployment haven, you need a place for you to go, to reflect, to dream, to cry, to relax. A place where you can go when the deployment day gets to you. For some, this retreat might have to come after the kids go to bed. For others, this might come in the mornings after everyone goes off to school.

Finding a relaxing place for you to go during a deployment will help keep you focused. The best part about creating this type of space is that you can make the space unique to you and your needs. For me, my deployment haven is my bedroom.

For the longest time, my bedroom was the catch-all room of the house. If I didn’t know where to put something, I put it in there. Slowly I have been working to end that and to make our master bedroom a haven for me when my husband is gone and for both of us when my husband is home.

The biggest part of any bedroom is the bed, and we had been sleeping on a 12-year-old mattress.

I got the chance to review a NECTAR mattress, and I knew it was the perfect time to upgrade. 

With a new bed and mattress, I could make my deployment haven even better. With a comfortable memory foam mattress, I could snuggle into bed with a book, be comfortable, and enjoy my alone time.

The mattress arrived in a tube just like this…

NECTAR MATTRESS

 

We then were able to get the mattress out and ready to be slept on. It took a few minutes to get the outer bag off and then we moved the mattress to our bed frame. We opened up the packaging, and slowly the mattress started to grow to its full size.

You can see our video here…

Putting this together was super easy. We got things started around 5:00 pm and by the time we went to bed that night the mattress was ready to sleep on. There was a slight odor from the mattress, but that went away in a few days.

We have slept on the mattress for over a week now, and I LOVE it. This mattress isn’t just nice, but it’s amazing. We received the King mattress and upgrading from a Queen has been wonderful, but beyond that, the mattress itself is super comfortable.

NECTAR MATTRESS

Not only does the mattress feel good to sleep in as it conforms to your body but the mattress is also perfect for laying on to watch tv or get lost in a book. I like to read before I go to sleep each night and I love how I can settle into the bed and get super comfortable while I am reading. This mattress is perfect for my deployment haven.

The mattress also comes with two pillows, and they are pretty amazing too. They also took a little time to get to their full shape.

NECTAR MATTRESS

I love how the mattress looks, and when you first open the package, you won’t be able to help yourself from putting your hand on the bed and watching the memory foam at work. This type of mattress is very different from one with a spring, and that is a good thing.

Does this mattress sound good to you? Here is a little bit more about the Nectar mattress:

Forever Warranty: NECTAR has a forever warranty which is how long they will guarantee the construction, materials, quality, and durability of NECTAR.

Shipping: Shipping is free within the contiguous US. There are additional shipping costs to Alaska, Hawaii and US territories excluding PR.

How does the mattress work: The NECTAR mattress has 4 special grade performance layers and a uniquely milled cooling cover. NECTAR is certified pure and better for you and the environment. The mattress is considered medium firm, support of a firm mattress and comfort of a pillow top.

365 Night Sleep Trial: You get a full year to enjoy NECTAR and figure out if the mattress is right for you.

How to buy: Head on over to the NECTAR website, find the right size and right mattress and place your order.

So whether you are working on your own deployment haven or you want something for your new house after a PCS, check out the NECTAR mattress, you will be glad that you did.

The Deployment Dread

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The Deployment Dread

Deployments! There was a period when deployments were my life. My husband was either preparing for a deployment, away on deployment, or newly home from one. It seemed like as soon as we had a few weeks together, they were talking about the next one.

This was exhausting!

Always feeling like I had to be prepared for a deployment started to get to me. That deployment dread, I hated feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way. But I also didn’t want to forget what was ahead.

This deployment dread is that pit in your stomach when you hear about your spouse going overseas.

The Deployment Dread

It is when you hear a name of a country on the news and realize that is where they could be headed. Deployment dread is recognizing that they are going to miss your son’s next birthday or the start of a new school year.

Deployment dread is not a good thing to have. But what can do you do about it? Here are some ideas!

Remember the benefits

Remember that there are benefits to a deployment. Some are financial, and some are emotional. Although most spouses would prefer their spouse not deploy, doing so can bring about positive changes in your home.

From paying off debt to your spouse being able to move ahead in their career. If you can focus on these things more than what they will be missing, dealing with the deployment dread will be easier.

The Deployment Dread

Focus on you

When you start to worry about the upcoming deployment, try to focus on yourself instead. What do you need to work on personally? What will you work on when they are gone?

For some this means going back to school, for others, this means working on a weight loss goal or even reorganizing their home. When you can come up with a list of deployment goals, you have something to focus on and get excited about even if your spouse is going to be away.

Enjoy your time together

Don’t turn the time you have together until the deployment starts into a depressing time. You will have break downs about a possible future deployment but overall, focus on spending time together. Make plans, have family time, go on dates, and talk about what you guys will do to connect the next time they have to go.

During the pre-deployment period, you might argue more than usual. This is normal but try not to let the arguing be your focus. Both of you are stressed because things could change soon. Work hard to make those memories together and enjoy all the time that you have before they have to go.

The Deployment Dread

Remember, this too shall pass

Whatever is ahead of you, remember, you will get through it. Time will pass. Days will go by. And no matter how hard things seem, you will make it through the deployment. Life is filled with ups and downs. Some years will be better than others. Deployment years are going to be more challenging than nondeployment years.

Sometimes the deployment dread can be a lot worse than when they actually leave for deployment. There are a lot of fears associated with a deployment. Some of them are valid, and some of them are not. Keep in mind that your upcoming deployment will probably surprise you, and at the end, you will look back and be amazed at what you have done.

The Deployment Dread

Connect with others

Find other military spouses to connect with. Whenever the deployment dread hits you, make plans with a friend or put something on the calendar where you can get out and meet people. Walking through the pre-deployment season with other spouses who understand will help you more than you realize.

Other spouses have been through this before and can give you good advice a long the way. And then, when the deployment starts, you will have people to depend on. You can help one another out, no matter how long the deployment might be.

Do you struggle with worrying about the next deployment even if there isn’t one on the calendar? How do you deal with it?

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

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25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

Deployment is coming. What do you do? Do you stay in your current home, solo parenting and making the best of your situations or do you pack it all up, go back home and get through the months away in a familiar space?

I went home for three months of a deployment, and it was one of the best things I ever could have done. I am not sure I would ever go home for that length of time again, my kids are older now, but for that deployment, it was the right choice.

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

Here are 25 reasons to go home for a deployment:

  • Because you hate your duty station

Let’s face it, if you can’t stand your duty station, going home for a deployment might work out in your favor. Getting a break from a place you don’t want to be can be a good idea. Even just going home for a few months can help you come back, ready to start over at the place you will still need to call home.

  • Because you hate your living situation at your duty station

You might love where you live just not your physical home. Your apartment could be way too small, you might hate your on post neighborhood, or just can’t stand your current living situation.

  • Because you just had a baby

After having a baby, having an extra set of hands during a deployment is going to be a good thing.

  • Because your family is helpful

If your family is helpful, going home will be a good thing. They will help you find a place to stay and be there for you when you need them.

  • Because your best friend still lives there

When your best friend still lives in your home town, spending time with her can be a perfect thing during a deployment. She might not fully understand military life, but she will be the listening ear that you need.

  • Because it snows too much at your duty station

If you are not used to snow, driving in the snow, and living in the snow, being at a place where it snows can be quite difficult. Why not head for warmer temps if that is the case?

  • Because you miss the beach

There is something about the beach, especially if you grew up with it in your backyard. Being close to the ocean water can be quite therapeutic.

  • Because you want your kids to know your family

What better way for your children to get to know your family than living right there with them.

  • 25 Reasons To Go Home For a DeploymentBecause you want to show your kids what life was like when you were growing up

When I went home for those three months, I was able to do a lot of the things I did growing up with my own children. That was a fun summer and one I will never forget.

  • Because you don’t want to be around the military 24/7

Sometimes we just want a big old break from the military. Going home for a deployment is a way to do it.

  • Because you want to visit, but you would rather just stay for a while

Visiting can be good, but staying a while can make the visit even better.

  • Because it is hard for anyone to come visit you

When no one can visit you, whether that is for health or financial reasons, going to them might be the only way to spend time together.

  • Because your kids haven’t started school

If your children are not school aged yet, going home makes more sense than if they are. This might be the only time to go home for a deployment.

  • Because you homeschool and you can

If you homeschool, going home for a few months won’t mess up the school year like it would if they attended school outside the house. Take advantage of this.

  • Because you want to experience something different

Home might be totally different than your current duty station. That might be just what you want for this deployment.

  • Because you want to always have help with the kids

Going home can mean having quite a few people to babysit your kids. People you love, people you trust, and people who love your children.

  • Because your family misses you

When you are the branch of the family tree who lives far away, people tend to miss you. Going home for a deployment can help with this.

  • Because you can save money

Look at your financial situation, will going home save you money?

  • Because you can go to school easier

If you want to go back to school, moving home could make that easier.

  • Because you want to help your family

Your own family might need help from you. Going home for a few months can be a way to help out when you otherwise would not be able to.

  • Because your mom is a good cook and you are not

When you are missing her home cooking, having it often during a deployment isn’t going to hurt.

  • Because you know your kids would love it

If you know your kids would enjoy your time back home, it could be something to seriously think about.

  • Because you will be PCSing right after he gets back

For some, going home make sense since you will be PCSing when they get home from the deployment.

  • Because you suffer from anxiety

Suffering from anxiety during a deployment can make things more difficult. Going home can help with that.

  • Because your duty station never felt like home

Sadly, no matter how hard you try, your duty station might never have clicked with you. And going home for the deployment will be your best bet.

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

When trying to make this decision, remember that going home for a deployment completely depends on you, your family, and your situation. What works for one person might not work for another.

I hope this list will get you thinking about whether it is the right option for you or not.

Have you ever gone home for a deployment? How was it?

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

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No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

I am not sure when my husband will deploy again. During our last deployment, I thought that would be our last one. Then he joined the National Guard. And although we have not experienced a deployment with the National Guard yet, that could happen. So I have to think ahead and prepare myself.

When I think about him deploying again, I get that nervous feeling in my stomach. Even though I have been through deployments before, the next one will be completely different. My boys will be different ages; we will be in a different type of situation, he could end up going to a different type of place.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You see, each deployment is its own experience.

Your first deployment might not be your hardest, your shortest deployment might prove to be harder than any other deployment. As most seasoned military spouses know, you never quite get used to having your spouse live away from you, in a war zone, fighting for our country.

Just because you have been through a deployment before, it doesn’t mean that you have every future deployment under control and that they won’t challenge you, because they will.

And although you will never truly get used to them leaving every so often, you will learn better how to get through those times apart.

You will figure out what works best for you and your family.

You will learn if counting down the days works for you or if you should just count down the months instead.

You will figure out how to stay busy, even if how you choose to do so changes during each deployment. You will learn about resilience, patience, and how to be more independent.

You will learn how to mow the lawn, take your kids to all their sports events alone, and how to stay sane when you feel anything but.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You will figure out that what works for you for this deployment, might not work for you for the next deployment and could be entirely different from what works for your neighbor for her deployment.

You will figure out how to find people to get through the deployment with, even if that feels overwhelming at certain duty stations.

You will understand what your spouse needs from you while they are gone, whether that is a care package once a week or just to offer a listening ear when they call.

Over the years as a military spouse, you will figure out how to cope during deployments. You have to. If you don’t, you would never be able to make it through.

You will never get used to watching your spouse walk away, you will never get used to those lonely nights, and having to be both mom and dad to your kids. 

You will never get used to that last kiss, that last hug, and that last goodbye.

Your tears will always come, the first day will always be hard, and you will always wish that they didn’t have to go.

This is a good thing. This means that your spouse is someone special. That their presence in your home is a welcome one. That them being gone is not the norm, even if you understand why they have to go. That when they return, you will put the pieces back together and can be a full family once again.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, you never get used to deployments, but you can find support and rock the heck out of any deployment you will have to go through.

Although you start off feeling like a huge weight has been put on you, you will figure out how to lessen the stress and be able to find ways to thrive during your time apart. As the days go by, you will find yourself getting to a place where the deployment feels more manageable. Where you can see how you are going to get through the deployment, and how you can make the best of the situation.

How many deployments have you been through?