Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

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I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

How is your life different than you thought it would be? Did you think you would be a military spouse? Did you ever see this as the way your life was going to go?

Becoming a military spouse wasn’t something I dreamed about or planned for, even after I had met my husband. Being a military spouse wasn’t in my future. Being a military spouse wasn’t a part of the plan.

I got married in 2002 to a man who had already served in the military for a little over 2 years. He was only a few years shy of completing his 8 years of service. He was considered “Inactive Ready Reserve.”  

That basically meant he could be called up but the military wasn’t really a part of his life anymore. When 9/11 happened, I did worry that he would get called up and wondered what it would be like to be a military wife, but by the time we got married that didn’t seem too likely. He was never called up while in the IRR.

I didn’t see myself as a Military Spouse and did not think that was something that would ever happen.

When I married my husband and thought about the future, the military just wasn’t a part of my dreaming. I never thought that I would solo parent for so long. I never thought I would go 11 months without seeing my husband. I never thought that the road we walked down together would lead to where it did.

I had been in long-distance relationships in the past and I didn’t want that in a marriage. I didn’t think that should be a part of a marriage. That was for people who were dating, right? That wasn’t for married couples.

I never thought I would have so much alone time in marriage. I never thought I would have to worry about my husband going to war. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to him and not know when and if he would return to me.

I had a coworker with a boyfriend who was a marine. They got married and then he went overseas. I remember watching her write love letters and I just couldn’t imagine that kind of life.

I had no idea that just three years later, I would be the one to write those love letters to my own husband who was overseas. When I saw her put the letter in the mailbox at work, I never thought that I too would be sending letters to a similar place to the man I was in love with.

Sometimes I wonder if all this sacrifice is worth everything we have gone through.

Sometimes I wonder what our life would have been like had he never joined the military. Sometimes I wonder if we should have picked a different path. Sometimes I just wonder if making this decision was the best thing to do.

There is so much sacrifice involved when it comes to living the military life. From the small things, like a drill weekend, to the big likes, like a long deployment.

When I married my husband, I was not planning this kind of life…but this is the life that I have and all I can do is look at the positives. I have to remember that life hardly ever turns out exactly how you planned it, no matter what you do or what type of job you have.

I have civilian friends doing things they never thought they would. This is just a part of being a human. Your journey is your journey and when you start you never know where the road might go.

No, I never planned on being a military spouse but I will do the best I can as I support my husband through whatever this life brings. Through the many separations. Through the ups and the downs. Through anything military life throws at us.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

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9 Things to Love About Military Life

There are plenty of times I have been frustrated with military life during my years as a military spouse. There is a lot to get frustrated about. However, there are also plenty of things to love about military life too. Here is my list of 9 things to love about military life.

1. Getting to live in a different country

While not every military family gets stationed overseas, there is always that option. We spent four years in Germany, and I am very thankful for that experience. The military will move you to a different country, pay for your belongings and your car, and give you extra money while you are there. If you get the chance to go overseas, do it.

By living in another country, you can open up your world. If you have children, they will get to experience a different culture and make memories they will always have with them. This is an amazing thing for your kids to experience.

2. Traveling places

Whether you are stationed overseas or stationed in the United States, being a military family means you get to see things and travel places you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. As you meet other military families you will also have people to visit through the years. This can make traveling even more fun.

For some military families, traveling means getting in the car and going on days trips. For others, it means going to Disneyworld once a year. When you are stationed somewhere new, there are so many places to explore. Places you never even thought you would ever go.

3. Making friends from all over

As a military spouse, you will be able to make friends from all over the place. One of my favorite things to ask new people is where they are from. Talking about where you grew up, and the differences between where you and your friend grew up can also be a lot of fun. Not only will you make friends from all over the United States but you will meet them from other countries and doing so makes your life much richer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

4. The Sisterhood

There is definitely a sisterhood of military spouses if you open yourself up enough to finding it. You all go through the same things and can relate to so many issues. You know what going through a deployment and being apart from your spouse is like. You know what moving every few years is really like, and having to start over somewhere new. You get one another, whether you are a new spouse or been living the military life for 20 years.

5. Strengthening our marriage

Our marriage has become stronger through our deployments and time as a military family. Even though each deployment was so difficult, we got through them, and our marriage grew in some way through each one of them. You learn different ways to communicate and how to be a couple when you can’t see one another every day.

While deployments can bring about so much stress on a marriage, they don’t have to break a marriage either. Going through a deployment is a lot of hard work, but just because you are married to someone in the military, it doesn’t mean your marriage will be doomed.

6. Helping other spouses through deployments

Over the years I have also been able to help other military spouses through deployments. I have been there, I get it. I know what it is like to have to figure out how to be both mom and dad with my kids. I understand how lonely those nights can be or has scary things can get when you know your spouse is working in a dangerous place. I am glad that the past experiences that I struggled through can help others in the future.

7. Homecomings

That first kiss after months and months apart is one of the best things about this life. Homecomings make you feel like you are dating again. You are nervous, you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t wait to get your hands on your spouse once again.

Once they leave for a deployment, the countdown to homecoming begins, and you know that all you have to do to make it through is get through the days until that happens. As the date gets closer, you can pick out your cute outfit, make your homecoming signs, and get more and more excited as the day gets closer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

8. Battle Buddies

Beyond making friends, another thing to love about military life is your battle buddies, the best friends you make along the way, the ones that become family. These people are the ones you spend holidays with, that you trade babysitting with, and share your deepest secrets and fears. Without these friends, military life would be that much more difficult.

When you go through a situation with someone else, you bond in ways you wouldn’t do otherwise. You become closer because you have to. You help one another out in ways you would never have had to if your spouse never left. Military friendship can be so strong and unique sometimes.

9. Independence

Over the years I have been forced to become more independent. Whether it was because I had to handle a hospital visit by myself, a PCS to Germany with an 18 months old, or just had to figure out how to run the house 100% by myself because there was no way my husband could do so. There are so many times we military spouses have to do things by ourselves, but in the end, those things make us more independent.

Sometimes finding the good in military life can be difficult. We can get so hung up on the hardships of this life. But sometimes taking a step back and remembering what we love about military life can help brighten our mood and get us out of our funk. There are truly things to love about military life and remembering them is important.

What do you love about military life?

9 Things to Love About Military Life

6 Smart Tips for Your First Deployment Day

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We learned from the last time and decided to drop my husband off a few hours before he would have to leave. I didn’t want to stick around until the last moment. We hugged, we kissed and took some videos. Knowing full well that our boys would be that much older when he would see them again. Knowing that we would both grow and change as people, on our own and thousands of miles away from each other.

One last hug, one last kiss. I put the boys in the car, I turned to the back seat and told them, “We got this. We totally got this.” And then, I drove away, leaving my husband in the background, knowing that this deployment would be another challenging period of time our family would have to endure.

The day you drop off your spouse will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last hug, the last kiss, the last touch, the goodbye, watching them walk away from you. Watching them disappear not knowing when you will see them again or what life will be like when you do.

What can you do on this deployment day? How can you get through it?

Plan the rest of the day

Make sure you have plans for after you say goodbye. Go to dinner with friends, order take out and have a movie night, go for a long walk or even do something normal like go grocery shopping. If you need to, go home and cry. That’s okay too. Just know that the first day is going to be a shock to your system. It’s not going to seem real and getting through the first part of a deployment is going to take some time.

Find friends

Make a list of friends you can call during your deployment. Who do you want to get together with? Who do you want to spend your time with? Who can you depend on? Start making plans with them and have a backup plan in case of emergencies. If you don’t have any friends where you live, make plans to find some. Go to local groups, attend FRG meetings and try to get out and be social, at least every few days. If you have a long-distance friend you can count on, give them all call and let them know the deployment has started. They can be there for you too.

Fill your calendar

You should have a rough idea about how long the deployment is going to be. Know that the dates can change, and by quite a few months sometimes too. However, if you can plan out the months they will be gone, you will feel better about the time they are away. Plan a trip, sign up for a class, start a new hobby and connect with your community. Find out about local events and sign up for any group that looks interesting to you.

Make goals

The first day they are gone is a good time to make your deployment goals if you haven’t already. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to work on? Do you want to become a reader? Repaint your home? Go back to school? Having these goals to work through will help you stay busy and accomplish things when your spouse is deployed.

You can cry

Some of us cry more than others. That’s okay. It might be the smallest of things that cause the water works to come. That’s okay too. You will probably want to cry a lot that first day and into the next. That is okay and normal. Crying is our bodies way of getting out the sadness and most of the time, the day after a good cry is a much better deployment day.

Buy your favorite meal

Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Make something ahead of time, order food to go or even take yourself out to eat. Having a nice meal on your more difficult days can be a good way to get through them. Since the first day they are gone is going to be the most difficult, having something good to eat will be comforting to you. Figure this out ahead of time so you have a plan when you drop them off.

Remember that not every deployment day is going to be as hard as that first day was. Some days will be good, others will take you down but remember, deployments do not last forever and somehow you will get through. Whether the deployment is just a few weeks, a few months or over a year, you will have a homecoming date to look forward to.

If your spouse just left for a deployment, you can use my Guide to the First 30 days of a deployment by signing up for my mailing list!

25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

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25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

Solo parenting was one of the first things I experienced as a new military spouse. And as challenging as I found it, I learned quickly that I would be doing a lot of solo parenting in the years to come. Sometimes it would be for long periods of time as in the case of deployments, and other times for just a weekend of a few weeks of training as a National Guard spouse.

There is no one perfect way to get through times of solo parenting. Sometimes you just take that season of your life one day at a time. Here are 25 quick tips for solo parenting through a deployment to help you on your military spouse journey:

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Try to let it go as much as possible.
  2. Keep any important documents you might need in a safe and handy spot. If you need a birth certificate, you will know exactly where to go to get it.
  3. Track all appointments, activities, and events. Write it all down. You are the only adult and you can’t possibly remember everything.
  4. Make daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists. This also goes with writing everything down.
  5. Plan your meals in advance. Get pizza once a week. Have sandwich nights.
  6. Create an arts and crafts center in your home. Have the kids make stuff to send to the deployed parent. Plus, it’s a good way to keep them busy on boring days.
  7. Go to the library. Check out some books. Figure out what programs they have. Libraries are great places and offer a lot of things to do.
  8. Plan multiple playdates a week. Your kids will love it, and so will you. Still meeting people? Go to the park and try to find new friends, for both you and your kids.
  9. Celebrate all the things. Birthdays, holidays, 50 days in, etc. Celebrate it all! In any way you want.
  10. Have virtual parties including your service member.
  11. Send fun care packages. Allow the kids to help you.
  12. Keep up with all medical appointments, including your own. You don’t want to get behind.
  13. Have a list of phone numbers you can call in an emergency situation. Can anyone watch your kids if you have to go to the ER? Who do you call if you need a plumber? Having all these numbers together will give you a bit of peace of mind even if you never have to use them.
  14. Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling during the deployment. This time apart from one parent can be hard on them too, however, each child handles deployments differently.
  15. Create movie nights or pizza nights. Invite friends and neighbors. Create those fun memories with you and your kids.
  16. Figure out ways to have one-on-one time with each child if you have more than one. Maybe that is taking one for ice cream while the other is in school, or letting an older child stay up for special time with you.
  17. Continue your bedtime routines, but tweak them a little to make them work a bit better while your spouse is away. This could mean moving them up by 30 minutes or adding special prayers for the deployment parent.
  18. Remember, self-care is important, even if you have to be creative to find ways to get it. Take some time for yourself in any way you can. Maybe it is having a nice bubble bath, maybe it is just sitting out on your balcony for 15 minutes after bedtime, but find ways to relax. You will need it during seasons of solo parenting.
  19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I know this is hard to do. But sometimes we do need that help from someone else.
  20. Find hobbies you can focus on. Hobbies that make you smile and bring you joy.
  21. Create a chore chart for your kids, even preschoolers can do something to help. You can all work together to run the household.
  22. Create a deployment budget. Especially if your service member will be making extra money during the deployment. You want to make sure you are making your money work for you and not just spending without thinking, which can be easy to do. Save, pay down debt, and allow yourself some grace when it comes to what you spend.
  23. Make a list of people you can call just to chat with when you are feeling down. Find people, either family or friends, that will listen to you vent, and encourage you as a solo parent.
  24. Find local support groups or other types of groups to keep meeting people. You can even find online support groups.
  25. Go for a walk. Walk around your neighborhood, the mall, or a local park. Whatever works. Try to get out and walk on a regular basis. Not only is walking good exercise, it is also good for the soul.

Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

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Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

The deployment begins, and you get into a routine. You have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Then, you hit a slump. Still, so many months left to go. Still, so many more deployment days to get through. Then, you get a homecoming date.

If you have been through a deployment before, you know this date will change. At the same time, you know that simply having a date is a good sign. It means things are wrapping up. It means you are getting close to the end of a deployment.

Having that date means that there is probably a unit ready to replace your spouse’s unit. It means that boxes from the desert will start to appear on your doorstep and it means that you will be told to no longer send any mail.

All these signs together are good ones that tell you, the military spouse, that your deployment days are coming to an end.

And then, somehow, someway, you have made it, and you have one week left of the madness. One week left of sleeping alone. One week left of being both mom and dad to your children.

That last week of deployment isn’t going to be easy. Even though you are at the end, even though you can now countdown in hours, that last week will drive you crazy.

The last week of your deployment

You are almost there. You are almost done but not quite. You are almost to the end of a deployment.

You still have to wait. Through flight changes, weather scares, and anything else that might get in your way.

Your mind will play tricks on you, worried that things will change and they will get extended. You worry about what things will be like when they get back home. You wonder how your children will do and what your spouse will think of the changes you have made during the time they have been away.

That last week will be exhausting. You might not be able to sleep. You might not even want to eat. You will clean your home and then clean it again, forgetting that your spouse isn’t going to care if it passes a white glove test.

You will want time to fly and yet feel like you are not going to be ready for the day they come home.

That last week is a weird time as you run around getting everything done and also counting down the seconds until you see your spouse again.

The last week of your deployment

You will be asking a friend to come with you to take photos or booking a photographer. You will be finalizing your homecoming outfit. You will be wondering what to have on hand for that first meal together or wonder if it would be best to stop for food on the way home from picking them up.

You will reflect on the months they were away. On the memories, you made without them. On the friendships, you developed. You will start to think about how your friendships will in fact change once your spouses are back home, especially if one of you is supposed to PCS sometimes soon after homecoming.

You will look at your children and remember how little they were when their mom or dad left.

You will wonder what life will be like parenting in person again and what fun things your family can do together now, as a full family.

You will look back and see how strong you have been. You will see the months that went by, the long deployment road you walked along, sometimes crawled along to get yourself to the finish line.

You might be worried that your spouse will come home different. That your already rocky marriage might not survive reintegration. You are not sure if you will go through with that divorce or seek the counseling you think that you need.

For some, that last week of deployment is a terrifying time when you are just not sure what life will be like, and that scares you. The truth is, reintegration can be the hardest part of a deployment, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. You have changed, they have changed, and now you need to work together to get started on the post-deployment chapter of your lives.

Deployments are a part of military life. They start, then they end, and all the time in between is you figuring out how to get through them, even if that is taking it one day at a time.

You can find more deployment posts here! 

When The Deployment Days Simply Don’t Want To Move

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Anyone who has gone through a deployment knows that some parts of the deployment move faster than others. In fact, the first few weeks and the last few weeks are the longest. Or they feel like it anyway.

Some parts of your deployment are going to fly. You will get into a good routine, you have filled up your calendar and then boom, the days come to a halt. Time slows down, and it seems like the deployment will never be over.

If you have hit that deployment wall, when the days don’t want to move, here are a few things to do to help get things moving again:

Redo your schedule

Take a look at your daily schedule. Where can it be tweak? How can you add something new? Changing things up can help the days get moving again. See what you can change to make life more exciting during the deployment and to improve your daily routine.

Look for new friends

It never hurts to make new friends. Go somewhere new to meet more people. Go to that meeting that has always looked interesting to you. Start taking your kids to the local park. See what you can do that will put you in touch with other people. Making friends isn’t always easy but the more people you are around, the easier making friends will be.

Deployment days

Plan a trip

Can you go on a trip somewhere? What about a weekend back home? Can you plan a trip for the next month? If you can’t go anywhere right now, can you plan a trip for after the deployment? Planning a trip takes time and energy and might be just what you need to get time moving again.

Go on a long walk

Sometimes getting out in nature for a while can help you put things in perspective. If you have places to walk near your home, head on out and move your feet. If you don’t, find out about trails and parks in your city or even at your duty station. If you have small children, you can take them in the stroller. If you have older children, turn it into a nature walk.

Listen to more music

Music is good for your soul. Make a playlist. Add your favorite songs. Look for new songs to add. Whenever you are feeling like time isn’t moving, put on your music. Start dancing or exercise with the music on. Music will make you feel better.

Start a new project

When you feel like the deployment will never end, it could be time to work on that project you have always wanted to complete. Focusing on something else will help get things moving again. Need some ideas? How about repainting a room, getting all the pictures off your phone and onto your walls, or decluttering your garage?

deployment days

Countdown to the little things

Is your baby turning one soon? Are you excited about a new book release? Can’t wait for This Is Us to be back this fall? Make countdowns for little things in your life that you can celebrate. This can be a fun way to countdown during a deployment without counting down the actual days. Celebrate the fun things in your life, and that can make everything you are going through easier to deal with.

Look how far you have come

In the end, look how far you have come. You can do this whole deployment thing, even if it seems like time is at a stand still. You have already gone through so many days, and you can do a bit more. Looking back on how many days you have already gone through can remind you that you are getting through this deployment, even if it is one day at a time.

What do you do during a deployment when it feels like time is at a stand still?

The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

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The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

Thank goodness for grocery delivery. It’s a blessing! Not only for myself but for all the parents with small children, going through a deployment, who loathe having to take their kids to the grocery store with them.

I have been there so many times. Put the baby in my baby carrier, put a toddler in the cart, hoping they won’t open anything, and make your older child walk beside you. Going to a grocery store with all your kids is a big chore. And it isn’t very fun.

But, thanks to modern life, you no longer have to if you don’t want to. Your spouse can be deployed for a year and you might never have to attempt the grocery store with kids the whole time they are gone.

This got me thinking, what else is different about being a military spouse today, versus in the past? What else has changed to make life a little easier for us? What should we celebrate, even in the midst of hard deployment days?

Communication

Communication has changed so much. Way back in World War II, the only way my grandparents communicated with each other was through letters on paper, sent across the ocean in the mail, only to be delivered weeks later. I have some of these letters and they really are so sweet to read, but just imagining that those letters were it, as far as communication went, is hard to wrap my mind around.

We can get frustrated when we can’t talk to our spouse all the time, but at least we can talk to them, on the phone, in real time. Or we can video chat. Or even send an email.

Even during my time as a military spouse things have changed. During our first two deployments, if my husband called, he called our house phone and would have to leave a message if I wasn’t home. These days, I basically carry him in my pocket if he is away from home.

And amazing as all this communication is, I think when we can’t communicate this way, we can get even more frustrated. We expect to talk every day, text every day, communicate every day, and when we can’t, that can be frustrating.

Try to remember how things used to be and how far we have come, even if you are going a few days without talking to your spouse.

Social Media

Back in the day, you made friends in person. Only in person. If you moved somewhere new, you couldn’t join a community ahead of time online. There was no online.

When I was 16 years old, my dad came home with a free trial of CompuServe. This was my very first experience with the internet. Of being on a computer, and connecting with other, real people, in other parts of the country, and even the world. My mind was blown.

These days, I carry that technology in my pocket. I am closer to some friends I met online than to some of my family members, simply because of social media. If a friend moves away, we can still easily keep in touch, and I talk over text with my best friend all day long.

Social media has really changed everything and there is no turning back. And while there are some issues with social media in general, social media can help me make friends, stay connected with the people I care about and learn more about any subject I am interested in.

Social media is life changing, and for us military spouses, a way to really connect with others, in ways we otherwise might not be able to.

Military Spouse Culture

Military spouse culture has also changed over the years. You no longer have to be a stay at home mom, just because your spouse joined the military. You no longer have to fit in a specific box.

You can figure out ways to work on your own career while your spouse is working on theirs. While there is still so much that can be done, military spouse employment can still be a huge issue, we have come a long way.

In addition to the military spouse employment issues, military spouses are more diverse than they have ever been before. We don’t all fit into the same mold. Not every military spouse is a woman and not every military spouse is married to a man. There is no one way to be a military spouse, all that is required is to love a service member.

We can be nostalgic about the past, sometimes those years can seem so romantic or easier than our modern life, but there is something to the way technology has changed, and the way people are treated, that makes me excited to be a military spouse in today’s world.

Even in the 13 years I have been a military spouse, things have changed. Through the little things, my life has become a little bit easier. And that is something to be excited about.

What is your most favorite modern convenience when it comes to your military spouse life?

When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier

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When Deployments Don't Get Any Easier

When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier

I couldn’t believe he was leaving again. Just two weeks before we had thought that he wasn’t going to go. Now he was and it was time to say goodbye. This time, he was leaving very early in the morning.

We were all there, my three boys and I. We took some photos and said goodbye. Knowing that when he returned they would all be a little bigger. They would be doing new things and we would have made a lot of memories together without him.

I knew this deployment wasn’t going to be our longest deployment. This deployment was my 4th one and I should know what to do at this point. We had been through this before, for longer, with younger children.

My children were older now. They were 8, 6 and 2. Not old enough to be left on their own but old enough to not feel like I was surrounded by very small children. Two of them were in school. That would make things easier right?

The reality was, deployments never got easier for me.

They just didn’t. They got shorter and in some ways harder. I never went through an “easy” deployment, who has? But if I had to pick I would have chosen my 2nd deployment. Even though it was a year-long and only because of what I was able to do during that deployment that I was not able to do the others.

As I started our 4th deployment, I knew that this one might possibly break me. It would challenge me in ways that our 15-month deployment never did. Was this because it was our 4th deployment in 7 years? Was it because we thought he wasn’t going to deploy at one point?

Or maybe it because I knew he was ETSing soon after and this was going to be the last one? Was it because my son had been diagnosed with Asperger’s and that was a challenge for us even when my husband was home? Was it because I wasn’t close to anyone else going through the deployment? Was it because we lived off-post?

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why some parts of military life are more difficult than others.

You would think that after that many deployments I would be “good” at going through them. I even heard comments such as, “Well at least you have been through a deployment before” and I would shake my head yes while inside I was screaming that I didn’t think I could go through another deployment again.

I somehow made my way to that deployment finish line but doing so was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. The time he was gone felt so very long. I ended up having to see a counselor in order to get through the time my husband was deployed. I had to find extra help in order to make it through.

It’s been over five years since my husband got home from that deployment and I still can’t think about that time without a feeling of dread. That deployment showed me that deployments don’t get any easier the more you go through them.

If I have learned one thing about deployments during my time as a mililtary spouse, it is this, they are all different.

Even if they are the same length and to the same location. Your kids will be different ages, you will be surrounded by different people, and your own emotions might be in a different place each and every time. Some deployments will be easier than others but you might not know that going in.

The best thing to do is the plan for each deployment like this deployment is going to be your hardest. Equip yourself with tools to help you through the deployment. Find people who can support you and never assume the time he is away is going to be smooth sailing.

You might end up surprised at how you handle things. You never really know what is going to set you off and you never really know what will make the deployment easier until the countdown begins. All you can do is prepare as much as possible and know that everyone struggles with deployments, although in different ways.

Have you experienced a difficult deployment even though that deployment was not your first? What have you done to get through them?