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How My Role As A Military Spouse Affects My Children

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Military Spouse with Children

How My Role As A Military Spouse Affects My Children

I have never been a Military spouse without children. My husband joined after we had been married three years. We had a 13 month old boy at the time.

I have only ever known the Military life that included kids. I don’t know what it is like for my husband to be gone and not have anyone to take care of or look after. It just isn’t my exeperience as a Military spouse.

As I look back on the past 10 years of being a Military spouse, I have to wonder how it has affected my children. Not in a personal way but in the fact that they are being raised by a Mom who is a Military spouse. A mom who has had to play the role of both mom and dad while her husband has been away. A mom who has had to struggle with anxiety while her husband was in a war zone. A mom who was trying to do the best that she could in a very stressful situation.

I wonder how that has affected them and how they would be if I had never been a Military spouse.

I know it is not good to think too much about that because it is not our reality. Our reality is that my boys have a mom who is a Military spouse, for good and for bad.

Sometimes I think that life is harder than it needs to be for them. That they have had to deal with missing their Dad and missing a bit of their mom too because I have had too many things to do. When you are the only adult in the house, you don’t have a lot of spare time and the kids can pick up on that. You do your best to spend quality time with them and make life happy and fun. But sometimes you fall short and there is nothing you can do about that.

I know that my parenting has changed a bit because of deployments. It had to. There was no way I could parent the same when things turned out different then I thought they would be. I had to let more things go and focus on what was really important.

I have had to work hard to be a good mom and be there even if I felt too sad or like I wanted to just crawl into bed and sleep the day away.

I hope that my boys can feel my love for them and know that I have done the best that I could over the years.

It helps to have a good community of other Military spouses to talk with about this type of thing. It can be hard to admit that your kids might be missing out on something and it is easier to talk about with people who have been there and know those same emotions.

If you are looking for a community in your area, head on over to Hello Mamas to see what is available to you. You will be glad that you did 🙂

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What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Join The Military

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What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Join The Military

Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you think it might and before you know it your spouse is talking to you about wanting to join the military. If you are like me, this wasn’t apart of the plan when you married your husband. Joining the military wasn’t something in your five-year plan.

However, life is funny sometimes and you can end up doing things you never thought you would. You can end up doing things you never even dreamed of doing. You can end up in places you could never have imagined going to.

My husband and I had been married for three years when he joined the Army at age 30. He had been in before when he was a lot younger before I met him. When we got married, I didn’t think that the Army would be in our future.

The Army was in his past, and that is where the military was going to stay.

We made a few decisions, and after a few years, we found ourselves questioning if he should go back in. At first, we thought about the Army Reserves. We met with a recruiter and found out that for his MOS, he would have to travel about three hours to get to drill each month. That was in May of 2005, and I came home from that feeling like joining the Reserves wasn’t the right thing to do.

Then my husband started getting health benefits from his current job, and they were horrible. It just wasn’t working. By August we had decided to look into what goes into Active Duty would mean.

We met with a different recruiter, and everything just felt right. I wanted him to wait until November of that year since a friend was getting married and I wanted to go to the wedding. We should have waited until AFTER the holiday season.

If you are thinking of joining the Military in the fall, wait until after New Years’. That way, you at least have that last holiday together and can start the new year with a new journey. Instead of them possibly missing the holidays right after they join.

The Military will make being together for holidays hard enough, give yourself one more holiday season before that can happen. I wish we would have known that going in.

My husband didn’t have to go through Basic again which we didn’t know at first. I dropped him off one day in November, and he was in Germany two weeks later. It took us almost five months to join him which was a big wake up call about how the Military can work sometimes.

If you are married and your spouse expresses interest in joining the Military, there are a few things you should do:

Make sure you are on the same page

My husband didn’t join until I was ready. If he had joined before I was ready, our marriage would have suffered. Talk the decision over.

Even if your first thought is “No way!” Talk it over and see what you both think. There are also a lot of options when it comes to joining the military. They can go active duty, National Guard, or Reserves.

Ask questions

There is a lot of information out there about Military life these days. There is no reason why you can’t get online and get a sense of what this life will be like. We Milspouse bloggers like to talk about it 🙂

Feel free to ask us or any friends who are military spouses questions. There is a lot to be worried about before joining the military and hearing about what others do to get through the difficulties of military life is a good idea.

Know it will be difficult

You can’t have your spouse join the military thinking you will somehow get a smooth Military ride. Plan for how hard this life is going to be. Realize you will be without them sometimes.

Solo parenting will become apart of your life. Understand that many spouses do this and you can too if the Military is something your spouse wants to do.

Know it doesn’t have to be forever

You only sign up for 3-4 years of Active duty at a time. They can get out after that. If military life doesn’t work out, go and do something else. Especially if you are young.

There is a lot you can do with your life. Take it one enlistment at a time if you have to. Signing up for 20 years at a time isn’t apart of the requirements to join the military.

Know there is support

Us spouses have to stick together because Military life is hard. You will not be alone. There are resources out there for you and your family.

You can connect with others. You won’t be the only one going through whatever it is Military life will bring you through.

Not everyone will agree with the decision

You might have people who care about you who don’t agree. You have to understand that joining the Military can be a scary choice for them. Give them time and explain why you two are making this decision. Most people will get that and if they don’t, you might have to keep your distance for a while.

The decision on if your spouse should join the Military or not is a complicated one. Don’t take this decision lightly and think about what joining means before anyone signs any papers.

Make sure you are on the same page about the decision and look for resources to help Military spouses. They are out there. Try not to be afraid. Ask questions.

If your spouse does decide to join the military, know that your life will change. This can be a scary thought but the change can be a good one. You will be able to meet people you would never have, you will be able to do things you never thought you would, and through everything, you will become a stronger person as you stand by and support your spouse on their next adventure.

Did your spouse join the Military after you were married?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

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Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment!

Deployment! I know I talk about deployment quite a bit on this blog. Deployments have been such a part of my life for so long, I have a lot to share. As time goes by, I get further away from my deployments but they still will always stick with me.

I have been thinking about what I would need if I was a new Military spouse getting ready for her first deployment. I know I would need encouragement, I would need to know it was going to be okay, and I think some sort of guide would help.

Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead. A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.

So here we go…

Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.

Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.

Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.

Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.

Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.

Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.

Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.

Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.

Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.

Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all his favorite items in there.

Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint and get started.

Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people.

Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.

Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.

Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.

Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.

Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.

Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.

Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.

Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.

Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?

Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.

Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.

Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.

Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.

Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal.

Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that man more than anyone else.

Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.

Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.

Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC.

Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. Doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.

Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.

Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!

Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

On Coffee Cups, Puppy Dogs and Wars

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On Coffee Cups, Puppy Dogs and Wars

I am sure most of you have seen the video going around about President Obama saluting a Marine with a coffee cup in his hand. You might have seen the response to that of a photo of President Bush saluting with a dog in his hand. You have probably read a lot of the comments going around about how he shouldn’t have done that, how rude it was and how we can really tell what one President thinks based on what they do with something in their hand.

I could go on and on about what I think about all that.

However, I just think it boils down to if you like President or not. You know how when you don’t like someone, everything they do annoys you? That happens with political figures too. They can’t do anything right, ever. Even if they do something a previous President did, doesn’t matter, it is worse when they did it.

The thing is, we are all human and we all make mistakes. When you are in the public eye, every mistake can be blown up and turned into a story. Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled potato?

Sigh…The fact is our country is STILL AT WAR!american-flags

Yes we are. People are still deploying. Military families are still having to say goodbye to their loved ones. It’s not over yet and probably won’t be for a while.

I would never want to be in a political office. Never. I would never want to have that over me. To have to be in charge of something that important. I can’t even imagine. I can’t even imagine what would it be like to have to make decisions about war, terrorists and what the best thing to do is. To have that on your mind 24/7? I can’t even imagine.

As a Military spouse, I am not sure what the future holds for us. Will my husband have to deploy again? I just don’t know. It is always in the back of my mind as is the case with other Military families. It is always something we think about. When we watch the news, we are reminded. There is no getting away from it.

So we can sit and debate saluting with coffee cups vs dogs but at the end of the day, that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we do live in a country where people are willing to stand up for what is right. That we do have a Military that will go where they need to go and do what they need to do. That there are families out there that live this each and every day.

It is also important to remember that Military spouses make up a range of different types of beliefs. From political to religious to if we even want to have children or not. We are not all the same but what we do have in common is the love for our spouse and our country and the freedom we all hold so dear.

 

 

 

How Growing Up In The Military Prepared Me For Life As A Military Spouse

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This guest post is by Jen. You can find her at Injenious Life 🙂

How Growing Up In The Military Prepared Me For Life As A Military Spouse
I grew up as a military brat. My parents met in ROTC and my dad spent his career in the Army. By the time I was 21, I had moved 13 times in my life. Both my grandfathers served in the military, my brother served in the Army, so when it came time for me to make my life choices, the Army seemed like the most logical choice.

Growing up was exciting. I have driven (nearly) across the entire country. I’ve lived in Germany and we got to visit many countries while we were there. A trip to Spain corresponded with my birthday so I love to tell people, “oh, for my 8th birthday, I went to Spain.” I’ve only been skiing once but it was in Austria, on the Alps. So exotic.

13940671212714I spent my “formative” years in one place though, Kentucky. There, I learned how to drive but since it was a small place, I never drove on an interstate highway until I was 18 and a freshman in college. Now? I’m a pro. It seems so strange to think that it took me that long to drive on one.

I went to college and joined ROTC. Most of my friends were in ROTC too and about half of them were Army brats. Being a part of the Army community just made sense to us. Us, we wanted (still want) to serve our country so that played a part in our decision. But for me? Well, I’m not sure how to operate in a purely civilian world.

I met my husband at work in 2009. We fell in love hard and fast were married 8-ish months later. I came off active duty but still serve in the Reserves. Most of the time, I am an Army wife. I know how ID cards and DEERS works because it’s all I’ve ever known, I never knew how hard it must have been for my mom to have to wait for my dad to be available to take her to the office though. Having a power of attorney is like having the key to a city.

My husband was TDY for our first move together, and of course, it was OCONUS. I had to get the house packed, the cats packed, clean and clear housing, all on my own. Luckily, I knew what to expect. I had lived in base housing before. I know how to clean a house for inspection. I know what to look for when the movers are packing our stuff up. I know what “right looks like.” Luckily, my mom was able to come help with the kids and the drive to Florida and since she was also an Army wife, she helped keep me on track.

Growing up in an Army house has made being an Army wife easier. I understand the acronyms. I understand that just because the Army says we’re going somewhere or doing something, it doesn’t mean a thing until there are orders in our hands and even then, things could change. I feel more “in the know” about how things work on base even. My husband didn’t know you were supposed to tip baggers for like 2 years. I used to be a bagger so I totally understand why the baggers gave him crazy looks. For major purchase, I always check the PX first, my husband NEVER shopped there before we got married because he didn’t know what it was.

Army life is nothing like what you saw on Army Wives (when it was good) and I am grateful for that because it is so much better. Yes, being an Army family is tough but you know what? Sometimes, I see my civilian friends talk about their lives on Facebook and I think “how boring it must be to live in one place, doing the same thing forever?”

A Military Wife

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A Military Wife

 

 

A Military Wife

 

Lots of moving…
Moving…
Moving……

Moving far from home…
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog…all riding with HER of course….
Moving sofas to basements because they won’t go in THIS house;
Moving curtains that won’t fit;
Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.
Often waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner…AGAIN!
They call her ‘Military Dependent’, but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.
She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet…
She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move…
…..all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don’t welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS;
Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all ‘home’.
She MAKES them all home.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty…
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don’t have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil…
Military Wives have a common bond:

The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn’t have a ‘JOB’
He has a ‘MISSION’ that he can’t just decide to quit…
He’s on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he’s the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
ABU
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed;
the glue that holds them together.
A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart.
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband,
She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.
–Author Unknown