To the brand new Military Spouse,
I know things feel a bit scary right now. Your loving spouse has just joined the Military. You might not even know how to feel right now.
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All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life
15 Months
11 Months
5.5 Months
6.5 Months
= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.
This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.
WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.
Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.
He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.
He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.
Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.
He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.
His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.
To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.
Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.
I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.
I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.
There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.
As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.
You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.
Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.
What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?
The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse
The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse
My husband and I had talked about him re-joining the Military for months before he actually did. It was a hard decision to make and I can remember thinking about how if he did join he would be gone for long periods of time. This would mean that I would be the solo parent in the home to our son and any future children we might have.
That was a hard thing to come to terms with. To think that I would have to be alone with my kids for periods of time. That wasn’t what I had in mind when I married my husband. We were going to have kids, several of them. He was a good father. He would be there for everything.
Being a solo parent is just one of the many ways that Military life is hard. It can really get to you and each day can be a struggle. And as much as there are good things about Military life like homecomings, good friends, taking pride in what your spouse is doing, there are some hard truths about it as well.
Your spouse is going to miss holidays
This one can be hard for some people, especially if you can’t make it home to be with other family members. Deployments and trainings doesn’t usually take off for the holidays, especially the smaller ones. You can’t ever assume that they will be home for Christmas, if they are, you are one of the lucky ones. You will have to make the best of it, celebrate later or figure out creative ways to still celebrate the holidays when they are gone.
You might have to give birth without them
Raise your hand if you had to give birth without your husband. So many of us Military spouses have had to do this. For me it was because they send him home on R&R but he didn’t get home in time. He met his son at our front door when he was three days old. Thank goodness my mom was there. I have had friends that do decide to go home if they know their husband will be gone for the birth. Others are able to Skype with them during the birth. Thank goodness for technology. Although a lot of commands do try to make it so that your spouse will be with you for the birth, it isn’t always possible.
Your friends will always be moving away
Military life includes a lot of moves. That means that people will be coming and going all the time. As a Military spouse you will have to say goodbye to a lot of people, your kids will too. Some of these people will be your best friends and saying goodbye will hurt in the worst way. Other friends might not be as close but you will miss seeing them on a regular basis and will feel their absence. And if your friends aren’t moving any time soon, you might be the one to have to do it. It is hard to always have to say goodbye and then try to make new friends again but we Military spouses do it. We do it all the time.
You will become independent and that will change the dynamic of your marriage
Because of the way Military life works, you will become more independent as a Military spouse. Things will break when they are gone and you will have to figure that out by yourself. You will have to run the household, pay all the bills, make a lot of decisions alone that a lot of couples make together. All of that will make you very independent. This can be a challenge when they are home. You will still want to do it all and sometimes you have to let them do things again. This is something you and your spouse will have to work through in order to get to a good place.
It’s important to understand these hard truths if you are a Military spouse. You want to be prepared for them and it is also nice to know that a lot of other Military spouses experience these challenges too. It can help you not feel so alone if your spouse is in the Military and you are living the Military life.
Leave me a comment and tell me what has been hard for you during your time as a Military spouse? How do you get through those challenges?
Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???
Paris, War and the Military Spouse
Paris, War and the Military Spouse
Paris was attacked on Friday. This was big news. I found out on social media which is where I find out about most worldly events, I am not a big tv news watcher. I started seeing people posting photos of visits to Paris and that we should pray for them. I didn’t really understand why until I saw what had happened.
Paris was attacked by terrorists. About 130 people were killed that night. Such a tragedy.
I have had a few days to think about all this. I have read a few blog posts about it and seen so many social media posts about it as well. Everyone seems to have an option about what happened, about how the US is acting, about what we should be doing to support Paris and about why we didn’t do anything about other attacks in the last week, attacks in places like Beirut, Syria and Kenya. There is a lot going on in this world right now.
Is it fair to blame people who are supporting Paris but were silent on the other places? I don’t know. I for one didn’t know much about them until after Paris happened. I will admit I probably did see news articles about those things happening. And I am sure my thought was, “That is so very sad, yet another tragedy in that part of the world.” I didn’t do much else. I didn’t share photos praying for those places, I didn’t change my Facebook profile to their flags. I just went along in my day.
Paris gets hit and it affects me differently. Paris is close to Germany, where we used to live. People in Paris are more like me then people in those other places. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty about not really acknowledging what is happening in other parts of the world. I think focusing on Paris makes sense because we feel like Paris is like us. We feel connections to Paris that we don’t to other places. Is this the way it should be? Probably not but it is what happens. If you tell me that your friend’s sister’s neighbor’s house burned down, I am going to feel sad about that. If you tell me someone in my neighborhood’s house burned down, it would affect me much more. I would look into more tangible ways of helping them. I would feel more connected to it. This is just reality.
So what can we learn from this? That maybe we should look at what is going on everywhere. We should be aware of the World, not just the Western part of it. All of it matters.
There is another part of what happened in Paris that worries me. War. More war. More fighting. More deployments. I don’t know of very many Military Spouses that heard about Paris and didn’t think about what it could mean for their own spouse. If feels like the wars we have been fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are never going to end, regardless of what any politician says.
When you live in a community where people are still deploying, you know that things are not over, they are still happening and people are still going off to war.
I am not sure what the solution to ISIS is. It’s a scary thing to think that people would hate other people so much that they could go in and kill them. The thought of that makes me want to burst into tears. But what do we do about that? What should America do? Keep sending people to the same places over and over? Back in 2003 I thought that was the solution. That we should send our troops in to do what was needed. It is now the end of 2015 and I just don’t know anymore.
What can America do when we have been at war for so long? When the Military is tired?
I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know what would be right or moral or what should happen? I don’t know if what we are doing is going to help or make things worse. I have to trust in those that have the power to make those decisions but it is a difficult thing to do. Especially when my husband could be dirrectly affect by the choices those people make.
I know so many people who have been affected by war because I have been a Military Spouse for 10 years now. I know how some don’t come home and some come home broken. I see how marriages can break up and things are never the same after time over there.
I think of all of these things when I see that more war might be needed and all I can do is pray.
Pray for those areas, all of them, in Europe and Asia and the rest of the world. Pray for the innocent people who might die because of everything that is going on. Pray for the Military families that will see more war than any other generation. And hope that the US and our allies can make the right decisions that in the end will lead to a more peaceful world.
How My Role As A Military Spouse Affects My Children
How My Role As A Military Spouse Affects My Children
I have never been a Military spouse without children. My husband joined after we had been married three years. We had a 13 month old boy at the time.
I have only ever known the Military life that included kids. I don’t know what it is like for my husband to be gone and not have anyone to take care of or look after. It just isn’t my exeperience as a Military spouse.
As I look back on the past 10 years of being a Military spouse, I have to wonder how it has affected my children. Not in a personal way but in the fact that they are being raised by a Mom who is a Military spouse. A mom who has had to play the role of both mom and dad while her husband has been away. A mom who has had to struggle with anxiety while her husband was in a war zone. A mom who was trying to do the best that she could in a very stressful situation.
I wonder how that has affected them and how they would be if I had never been a Military spouse.
I know it is not good to think too much about that because it is not our reality. Our reality is that my boys have a mom who is a Military spouse, for good and for bad.
Sometimes I think that life is harder than it needs to be for them. That they have had to deal with missing their Dad and missing a bit of their mom too because I have had too many things to do. When you are the only adult in the house, you don’t have a lot of spare time and the kids can pick up on that. You do your best to spend quality time with them and make life happy and fun. But sometimes you fall short and there is nothing you can do about that.
I know that my parenting has changed a bit because of deployments. It had to. There was no way I could parent the same when things turned out different then I thought they would be. I had to let more things go and focus on what was really important.
I have had to work hard to be a good mom and be there even if I felt too sad or like I wanted to just crawl into bed and sleep the day away.
I hope that my boys can feel my love for them and know that I have done the best that I could over the years.
It helps to have a good community of other Military spouses to talk with about this type of thing. It can be hard to admit that your kids might be missing out on something and it is easier to talk about with people who have been there and know those same emotions.
If you are looking for a community in your area, head on over to Hello Mamas to see what is available to you. You will be glad that you did 🙂
What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Join The Military
Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you think it might and before you know it your spouse is talking to you about wanting to join the military. If you are like me, this wasn’t apart of the plan when you married your husband. Joining the military wasn’t something in your five-year plan.
However, life is funny sometimes and you can end up doing things you never thought you would. You can end up doing things you never even dreamed of doing. You can end up in places you could never have imagined going to.
My husband and I had been married for three years when he joined the Army at age 30. He had been in before when he was a lot younger before I met him. When we got married, I didn’t think that the Army would be in our future.
The Army was in his past, and that is where the military was going to stay.
We made a few decisions, and after a few years, we found ourselves questioning if he should go back in. At first, we thought about the Army Reserves. We met with a recruiter and found out that for his MOS, he would have to travel about three hours to get to drill each month. That was in May of 2005, and I came home from that feeling like joining the Reserves wasn’t the right thing to do.
Then my husband started getting health benefits from his current job, and they were horrible. It just wasn’t working. By August we had decided to look into what goes into Active Duty would mean.
We met with a different recruiter, and everything just felt right. I wanted him to wait until November of that year since a friend was getting married and I wanted to go to the wedding. We should have waited until AFTER the holiday season.
If you are thinking of joining the Military in the fall, wait until after New Years’. That way, you at least have that last holiday together and can start the new year with a new journey. Instead of them possibly missing the holidays right after they join.
The Military will make being together for holidays hard enough, give yourself one more holiday season before that can happen. I wish we would have known that going in.
My husband didn’t have to go through Basic again which we didn’t know at first. I dropped him off one day in November, and he was in Germany two weeks later. It took us almost five months to join him which was a big wake up call about how the Military can work sometimes.
If you are married and your spouse expresses interest in joining the Military, there are a few things you should do:
Make sure you are on the same page
My husband didn’t join until I was ready. If he had joined before I was ready, our marriage would have suffered. Talk the decision over.
Even if your first thought is “No way!” Talk it over and see what you both think. There are also a lot of options when it comes to joining the military. They can go active duty, National Guard, or Reserves.
Ask questions
There is a lot of information out there about Military life these days. There is no reason why you can’t get online and get a sense of what this life will be like. We Milspouse bloggers like to talk about it 🙂
Feel free to ask us or any friends who are military spouses questions. There is a lot to be worried about before joining the military and hearing about what others do to get through the difficulties of military life is a good idea.
Know it will be difficult
You can’t have your spouse join the military thinking you will somehow get a smooth Military ride. Plan for how hard this life is going to be. Realize you will be without them sometimes.
Solo parenting will become apart of your life. Understand that many spouses do this and you can too if the Military is something your spouse wants to do.
Know it doesn’t have to be forever
You only sign up for 3-4 years of Active duty at a time. They can get out after that. If military life doesn’t work out, go and do something else. Especially if you are young.
There is a lot you can do with your life. Take it one enlistment at a time if you have to. Signing up for 20 years at a time isn’t apart of the requirements to join the military.
Know there is support
Us spouses have to stick together because Military life is hard. You will not be alone. There are resources out there for you and your family.
You can connect with others. You won’t be the only one going through whatever it is Military life will bring you through.
Not everyone will agree with the decision
You might have people who care about you who don’t agree. You have to understand that joining the Military can be a scary choice for them. Give them time and explain why you two are making this decision. Most people will get that and if they don’t, you might have to keep your distance for a while.
The decision on if your spouse should join the Military or not is a complicated one. Don’t take this decision lightly and think about what joining means before anyone signs any papers.
Make sure you are on the same page about the decision and look for resources to help Military spouses. They are out there. Try not to be afraid. Ask questions.
If your spouse does decide to join the military, know that your life will change. This can be a scary thought but the change can be a good one. You will be able to meet people you would never have, you will be able to do things you never thought you would, and through everything, you will become a stronger person as you stand by and support your spouse on their next adventure.
Did your spouse join the Military after you were married?
Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.
Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment
Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment!
Deployment! I know I talk about deployment quite a bit on this blog. Deployments have been such a part of my life for so long, I have a lot to share. As time goes by, I get further away from my deployments but they still will always stick with me.
I have been thinking about what I would need if I was a new Military spouse getting ready for her first deployment. I know I would need encouragement, I would need to know it was going to be okay, and I think some sort of guide would help.
I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead. A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.
So here we go…
Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.
Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.
Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.
Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.
Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.
Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.
Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.
Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.
Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.
Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all his favorite items in there.
Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint and get started.
Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people.
Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.
Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.
Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.
Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.
Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.
Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.
Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.
Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.
Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?
Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.
Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.
Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.
Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.
Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal.
Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that man more than anyone else.
Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.
Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.
Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC.
Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. Doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.
Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.
Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!
Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.
On Coffee Cups, Puppy Dogs and Wars
I am sure most of you have seen the video going around about President Obama saluting a Marine with a coffee cup in his hand. You might have seen the response to that of a photo of President Bush saluting with a dog in his hand. You have probably read a lot of the comments going around about how he shouldn’t have done that, how rude it was and how we can really tell what one President thinks based on what they do with something in their hand.
I could go on and on about what I think about all that.
However, I just think it boils down to if you like President or not. You know how when you don’t like someone, everything they do annoys you? That happens with political figures too. They can’t do anything right, ever. Even if they do something a previous President did, doesn’t matter, it is worse when they did it.
The thing is, we are all human and we all make mistakes. When you are in the public eye, every mistake can be blown up and turned into a story. Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled potato?
Sigh…The fact is our country is STILL AT WAR!
Yes we are. People are still deploying. Military families are still having to say goodbye to their loved ones. It’s not over yet and probably won’t be for a while.
I would never want to be in a political office. Never. I would never want to have that over me. To have to be in charge of something that important. I can’t even imagine. I can’t even imagine what would it be like to have to make decisions about war, terrorists and what the best thing to do is. To have that on your mind 24/7? I can’t even imagine.
As a Military spouse, I am not sure what the future holds for us. Will my husband have to deploy again? I just don’t know. It is always in the back of my mind as is the case with other Military families. It is always something we think about. When we watch the news, we are reminded. There is no getting away from it.
So we can sit and debate saluting with coffee cups vs dogs but at the end of the day, that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we do live in a country where people are willing to stand up for what is right. That we do have a Military that will go where they need to go and do what they need to do. That there are families out there that live this each and every day.
It is also important to remember that Military spouses make up a range of different types of beliefs. From political to religious to if we even want to have children or not. We are not all the same but what we do have in common is the love for our spouse and our country and the freedom we all hold so dear.