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Marriage During a Deployment

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Marriage During a Deployment

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary this past week. In those 14 years we have gone through 4 deployments and have spent a lot of time apart. More time than I ever thought we would or would have wanted for us. Our deployments were all different. The first, in 2006-2007 was about 15 months long. The second one was in 2008-2009 and was a year. Then in 2011 he was gone for 5 months. In 2013 he was gone for 6 months. These deployments have all been challenging in their own ways.

Marriage During a Deployment

Marriage during a Deployment can be one of the most difficult things you will go through as a couple. Deployments can make or break a marriage. Some say that marriages that break up after deployments were just not strong enough in the first place. There are a lot of factors that go into while a couple doesn’t make it. Hardships that couples go through can be a big factor. Deployments can be one of those hardships.

Going Through a Deployment is a Hardship

Knowing that the deployment is going to be a hardship on your marriage is important. That way you won’t be surprised when things get hard. You might not be able to talk to your spouse as often as you would like. You might feel like you never have time to be a couple while he is overseas. It might feel like this is how things will always be. This can be exhausting and it might feel too overwhelming to work on your marriage when they are gone. It is very important that you do celebrate your marriage during a deployment even when it is hard to do so.

Deployments Will Change You

Remember that a deployment will change you as well as your spouse. You will grow as a person. You will learn new skills. When they get home, it will take time to get to know each other again. You have been living apart, you have not had each other like you did before. It’s important that you work together to get through these changes and recognize them. I always get a little more independent when my husband is away. When he gets home it can be challenging to have someone else making decisions in the household too. I had been so used to making them all myself.

You Will Feel “Unmarried”

I always felt “unmarried” when my husband was gone for long periods of time. I didn’t feel married even though I knew I had a husband. I didn’t have someone to come home to each night and I slept alone. I was the only one taking care of the children. At the same time I never felt single. I didn’t feel like I was all alone and I knew that I had a spouse out there that loved me. Feeling “unmarried” is weird and it can be a frustrating way to feel. You might get jealous when you see other couples. You might get angry that your spouse has to be away from you and others don’t have to go through that.

You Will Worry About After They Come Home

As the deployment moves along you will start to get more and more excited about the homecoming. At the same time you might start to worry about what life will be like after they come home. You might have worries about PTSD, you know some service members struggle with it. You might worry about how things are going to be after so much time apart. You may have been pregnant when they left and now you have a baby and worry that it will be hard for your husband to adjust to parenthood since you did it months before.

Marriage during a deployment looks weird. You might feel like your husband lives in your phone or that you are alone in the world, at least temporarily. Remember everything the two of you have been through. Remember when you fell in love and all the memories you have had. Try to be patient with them as well as the way the military is. Try to remember that they might not be the same person they were when they come home and that after the homecoming, life can still be stressful as you get used to each other again.

Leave me a comment and let me know if you have been through a deployment before or if you are going through one right now.

 

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year

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I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.

However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.

Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.

He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.

The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.

This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?

How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?

1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.

You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.

2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.

In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.

3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.

However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.

Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.

4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.

If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.

Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.

Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

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I have received compensation for this post from TravelCenters of America. All opinions and work are my own.

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

 

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

“They took away my weekend pass.” He said.

“What? How is that possible? We are leaving tomorrow!”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. We had been in Germany just about two months and we had planned our first trip. We were going to take the train to Salzburg and meet up with a friend of mine that live in Austria. We would spend two nights in Salzburg exploring the city. Salzburg was the first city on my Germany bucket list. And now my husband tells me he can’t go.

Little did I know that this can happen. In our case, I was able to put my son in hourly for the next day. My husband picked him up after work and stayed with him while I went on ahead and met my friend in Austria. My friend and I had a great time but we lost money on the train tickets and I always wonder what that trip could have been like.

Months later I was sitting at the base travel agent getting ready to buy tickets to California. I had probably asked my husband about ten times if it was okay to buy them. He was coming home from deployment and then we were going to fly to California for a month. If I bought the tickets and the dates changed, we would be out money. I was so worried that his homecoming date would change yet again. He assured me that they had assured them that this is when their leave would be and we were okay to buy tickets. So I did, I worried the whole time but I did and we were able to go to California as planned.

One of the truths about military life is that plans are never set in stone until they happen.

There are many reasons why there could be delays. Leave can be canceled or changed. So what can a military family to in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?

So what can a military family do in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?

Over the years I have learned the hard way about what you can do and what you should do when you are a military family who wants to plan a vacation. I hope these tips can help you to military proof your vacation plans…

1. Know that things can change. One thing you have to do is know that things can change. Know that you might have to change your dates around or deal with canceled leave. Knowing this is a possibility ahead of time will help you deal with the disappointment a little better when a cancellation or delay happens. I had no idea they could take away your leave after you booked your trip, but that is what happened. After that, I knew that things could change, even at the last-minute.

2. Find good companies. I have learned that if you can go with companies that allow you to change your dates for free or for a low price, do so. This isn’t always possible but before you book anything to find out what you would have to do to change your dates. That way you will know what you will be dealing with if plans change. Some companies might even accept deployment orders as a reason for why you are having to change the date.

3. Be flexible on your dates if you can. If possible, keep your dates open-ended. This is possible if you are visiting family and don’t have to book anything. Let your family know that the dates are tentative and you are not 100% sure those will be the actual dates you are there. This will help with any expectations your family has about when they will see you.

4. Have a backup plan. Always have a backup plan. What would you do if your spouse’s leave was cancelled? Would you go on the trip without your spouse? Would you postpone for another time? Cut the trip short? By having a plan you will know what your next step is if things change.

5. Don’t tell the kids. For the love, don’t tell your kids. I know that is hard for some people, I want to tell my kids the minute we have plans to go anywhere. But a lot of kids won’t understand that changing things last-minute is how the military works. You don’t want to have to deal with a child that thought they were going to their favorite amusement park and then they were not.

Supporting the military

Speaking of traveling…as it is summertime right now, a lot of you will be out on the roads taking vacations. I wanted to let you know about how TravelCenters of America are honoring Active Military and Veterans. For six weeks this summer travel season, customers are encouraged to visit TravelCenters of America LLC (TravelCenters TA® and Petro Stopping Centers®) to support military heroes. 

TravelCenters is honoring the sacrifice of active military personnel and veterans by encouraging restaurant guests to order a meal in support of the National Military Family Association (NMFA), a nonprofit that works to strengthen and protect military families. From June 28 to August 5, participating Country Pride and Iron Skillet locations will donate $1.00 to the NMFA for each entrée ordered from a select group of menu items.

How great is that? 

 

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

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The number one tip you are going to get to survive a deployment is to stay busy. That you need to stay busy during a deployment to make it through. To fill up your calendar. To have something going every day. This is true. The busier you are, the faster time will go and the sooner the deployment will be over. When you don’t have anything to do, time drags.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do each day to stay busy during a deployment, especially if you are new to the area and haven’t met a lot of people yet.

Here are 22  fun ideas on how to stay busy during a deployment. Things you can do to keep busy and help your deployment go by a little bit faster. Take these as a starting off point and create your own list of ideas to help you stay busy during a deployment.

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

  • Join a club- Whatever you’re into, join a club about it. Love to read? Join a book club. Love to hike? Joining a hiking club. Can’t find a club for what you want? Start one. Finding something you love to do is the best way to get through a deployment. You also have a big chance of making some friends while you do.
  • Start a sport- Sports can be a great way to pass the time. You could sign up for a local team such as indoor soccer or volleyball. They might just meet once a week but that is okay. You can have fun at the practices, at the games and get to know the other people on your team.
  • Playgroups- Playgroups are such a great way to spend your time when you have little kids. You take them, they go off and play and you can hopefully talk with other moms. Even if you don’t meet anyone the first few times, if your child is having fun, keep taking them. Eventually you will start talking with the other moms and hopefully, make friends. You can also go to playgroups around nap time, which makes the day go by a lot faster.
  • Regular dinners- Having regular dinners with friends is also a great idea. Get a group together and take turns meeting at each other’s houses or even a park. You can have your kids eat before you go and then let them play while you eat your dinner with your friends. This can help with the nighttime routine and will help with the loneliness around that time of day.
  • Regular coffee meetups– Another way to get together with friends is plan a weekly coffee date. Mondays work well because it is the day after the weekend and sometimes the weekends are the most difficult part of a deployment.
  • Walks- Going for a walk is such a great idea. Not only will it help you pass the time but it can get you out of a funk. It is also good for your health and can allow you to reach the weight loss goals you made for yourself during the deployment. You can walk with a friend, listen to music, listen to podcasts and audiobooks. You can also stick your children in the stroller if they are young enough and take them with you.
  • Start a new hobby- Deployments are the perfect time to start a new hobby. Think about what you have been wanting to learn. You can take a class or do it on your own. Finding a new hobby is something you can enjoy for years to come, not just during the deployment.
  • Go back to an old hobby- Is there something you used to do that you haven’t done for a while? A deployment is a great time to get back into your old hobbies. Especially if you still have supplies or equipment in your home.
  • Photography- Taking photos can be a great way to destress and to get to know your area. Go on photo walks and remember to bring a camera or even your phone out with you to take photos. Learn how to be a better photographer. Take a photography class. You will be glad that you did.
  • Travel- Deployments can be the perfect time to travel. The idea of going places without your spouse can be scary or you can feel badly that he or she is missing out. This is something to think about. You don’t have to take a once in a lifetime trip. Save that for when they are home but take some time to plan at least one trip. You can go visit a friend, family or just go sightseeing
  • Write a book- Have you always wanted to write a book? Now is your chance. Spend the extra time that you have on starting that book. You might not finish the book during the deployment but you can get started and that is a good thing.
  • Start a blog- When your spouse is away it might be the right time to start a blog. Even if you are just writing down your thoughts about what you are currently going through. You don’t even have to show the blog to anyone or you can have a private blog for a select audience.
  • Organize your home- When you are the only adult in your home, getting organized can be a little easier. You can go through your home and declutter, work on home projects and change things around. Deployments are a great time to do this type of thing.
  • Paint your house- Want to change the color of your bedroom? Meaning to paint the kitchen and it just hasn’t happened yet? When your spouse is away, make plans to paint. Make sure to run any color choices by them if you think they would care about the colors. Then buy your supplies and make a plan to paint. You can even invite friends to come over and help you.
  • Look for a new house- If you are planning to move after the deployment, you could start your home search early. You can look online, research schools and neighborhoods or even go look at homes with a real estate agent. There is a lot you can do to prepare for your future move.
  • Find a job- If you feel you have too much time on your hands or you want to further your career, go find a job. It might take time to find one and then once you do, you will be able to stay busy. You will also be adding to your own career which is always a good thing.
  • Go back to school- Deployments are a great time to go back to school. Whether you do so online or in person, find a program and apply. It will be easier to study when they are gone.
  • Take one class- If you don’t want to go back to school full time you can take a class or two. You could take one on a skill you have been wanting to learn or you can take a class toward a degree you would like to eventually to get.
  • Volunteer- Working as a volunteer can be a great way to spend the deployment. Whether you do so at your child’s school or for the FRG. Find a way to give back. This is also a great way to make friends.
  • Visit Family- If you get along with your family, plan a trip to go see them. Stay a few days, a week or even a month. Whatever works for you and your situation. 
  • Exercise- Working out and exercising can be a great thing to get into when he is away. You can work on losing weight or just becoming a healthier person. Join a gym or a working group or get together with friends to do a workout video together. 
  • Read more books- Books are the best and can be a great way to pass the time. Make a list of books you want to read while they are gone and get started on them the day they leave. Need some suggestions? 

How do you stay busy during a deployment? What would you add to this list?

Because Memorial Day Just Isn’t Enough

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Because Memorial Day Just Isn't Enough

Today is Memorial Day.

A day when most of us stop our normal lives and remember those who have lost their life for our country. To remember those from previous generations and those who joined the military after 9/11. We remember who they were, what they did and how they died. We remember their families, their spouses, their children, their mothers, their fathers.

When you are a military spouse, the meaning of this day changes.

Memorial Day is no longer just for those who fought in the World Wars, Vietnam and Korea. It is for your friends and those who went to war with your own spouse. It is for you neighbor or the girl you sat next to in bible study. The day touches you in a different way than it would have had your spouse never joined.

I remember during our first deployment. It was soon after the guys had left, maybe just a week or two. A bunch of us wives was standing around at a fair that the base had put on. Or some other type of event. It was fall of 2006 and our guys were in Iraq. I remember standing around, looking at all of us. Knowing we were all going through the same thing. Knowing that we were all worried about our spouses and all praying they would come back home to us.

Being that this was my first deployment I had no other idea about how I was supposed to feel about having a husband in a war zone. This wasn’t even something I thought much about until he joined in late 2005. When he deployed I just had to have faith that he would come home. I couldn’t think too hard about what he was doing or how much danger he was in.

A few months later we heard the news. One of the wives that were standing with us that day had lost her husband. This war, it was real. Very real. Over the rest of that deployment and into the next one, five of my friends became widows. Some were in their early 20s, just starting out married life. Others had been married for years with several children.

My husband lost friends. His battle buddies that meant so much to him. Men that he had trained with and was supposed to come home with.

Ten years ago was when Memorial Day changed for me. It became so real. So very real.

I am glad that today, in 2016, so many people remember what this day is about, even if it isn’t personal for them. They know that we need to stop and remember those that gave their lives for our country.

The truth is, Memorial Day is just one day. I am glad we have this day but I wish our country could do more. How do you thank someone who gave up everything? How do you make it right?

I suppose you never can. You can never repay someone for that cost. You can’t bring their loved one back and you can’t erase their pain.

Whether it is the family of a soldier who fought in Germany in the 1940s, the widow of a man who left for Vietnam in the late 60s or the children of a marine who lost his life in Iraq just a few years ago.

The truth is, we can never repay them for what they lost. But we can support them. We can support them in our prayers and our thoughts and our actions. We can remember them and make sure they know they are loved and that the person they lost is a hero. We can make sure that we go beyond Memorial Day and that we aren’t just thinking of them on a Monday in May but that we are thinking of them the rest of the year too.

Because Memorial Day Just Isn’t Enough…

 

For the Military Spouse

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For The Military Spouse

For the Military Spouse…

For the spouse who is getting ready for her first deployment…

For the spouse who is getting ready for his fifth deployment…

For the spouse who has to tell his kids, that mommy misses them…

For the spouse who can’t wait until bedtime to have a good cry and some me time…

For the spouse who writes letter after letter and stands in very long lines to send a package over there…

For the spouse who has to take a back seat to a very demanding career…

For the spouse that loves being a SAHM while her husband serves in the military…

For the spouse that works her own career right along with her husband…

For the spouse who served in the past…

For the spouse who currently serves too…

For the spouse who can’t sleep a wink the night before homecoming…

For the spouse who has to drive her husband back to the airport, kiss him goodbye and figure out how to get through the rest of a deployment after R&R…

For the spouse who sits in a lonely house waiting for a phone call…

For the spouse who gets on an airplane alone with her three young children just to take them to Grandma’s for the summer…

For the spouse who gathers with friends to get through a deployment…

For the spouse that has to say goodbye to friends to move to a new duty station…

For the spouse, that has to make new friends…

For the spouse who gets a phone call that something went wrong…

For the spouse worried about the knock on the door…

For the spouse that has received a knock on the door…

For the spouse that doesn’t want to be a military spouse anymore…

For the spouse that doesn’t ever want her husband to leave the military…

For the spouse that is counting down the days until he will ETS…

For the spouse that is on the other side of the country from everything she has ever known…

For the spouse that was able to stay close to home for her husband’s first assignment…

For the spouse who has trouble making friends…

For the spouse who stays behind when everyone else is moving away…

For the spouse who has to stay behind so her son can finish high school…

For the spouse who gives birth without her husband…

For the spouse that grew up in the military…

For the spouse who never thought the military would be a part of her life…

For every spouse from every time period. You are amazing. You do great things. You are stronger than you think you are. You are one of the few and without you, the military would be a very different type of place. You do things others never have to think about. You cry, you vent, you laugh and you smile. You do the best that you can so that you can support your spouse.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Month!