Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Why You Don’t Put Rocks In Your Ears

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My Son stuck a rock in his earBefore this deployment started I was pretty freaked out about going it alone with the three boys. Well…looks like I was right. This deployment started out in a very crazy way and I am still wondering how we are going to make it.

Although apart of me hopes that because it started in such a way, it will only get better. One can hope.

Anyway, last week my 8-year-old went to Boy Scout day camp. He had a blast. I picked him up on Friday and took him home. I noticed he was touching his ear but didn’t think too much about it.

I went about my day. I decided I was going to make a nice meal. I had put a roast in the crock pot and even made cornbread muffins. Yum. I was looking forward to sitting down and relaxing while I ate my yummy meal. My kids will eat it too which is a plus. Well I put all the food on the table and noticed my son messing with his ear again. I asked him what was wrong and if it was hurting him. That is when he told me… HE PUT A ROCK IN HIS EAR! Say what? Really? Why? He told me it was itching him. This is the only time he would admit why he did it. Anytime anyone else asked him he said he didn’t know.

Okay…so I take a deep breath. Maybe he means a tiny little pebble about the size of sand. We always get sand in our ear at the beach, no big deal right? I will get my husband’s little flashlight and look.

Man…that is a ROCK not a little sand size grain. It was now 6:00. I had to think about to do. I didn’t want to take any chances but I knew that it would be best if we had food in our tummy. I made everyone eat and I quickly finished my meal. So much for enjoying it. I didn’t even take the time to butter my cornbread.

I called my friend J. She is amazing. I hate hate having to ask for help but I also could not see taking all three boys to the ER with me. She was able to take my other two and we headed to her house. On the way, Drew, my six-year-old told me it was really good that he was going to her house because he isn’t so good at waiting in waiting rooms. So true and glad he can recognize that about himself.

Anyway, dropped them off and headed to the ER. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had never been there before except when I had what we later found out was Bell’s Palsy and then it was called Urgent Care. It wasn’t too bad. We checked in and five minutes later they called us to one of the rooms. I was thinking it wasn’t going to be a big deal. They would just pull the rock out and we would be on our way.

Well the first guy couldn’t do it. He said they would need to use water so we would need to wait for a room.

We only had to wait 15 minutes and then they took us back. The first nurse said he didn’t even see a rock. Trust me nurse, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen the rock with my own eyes.

The doctor came in, saw the rock and tried a few different things. It really seemed like they didn’t want to try hard to get it out. While I understand this I was just getting frustrated. To me it looked simple with the right tools but the ER didn’t have any of those. They sent in another nurse to try the water. That didn’t work so they gave him some drops and told us to call ENT on Monday if it was still in there. I guess it isn’t a huge deal to have a rock in your ear for a few days as long as it really isn’t hurting you.

I made the decision to not go back to BACH but to call our regular doctor on Monday. So when I woke up Monday morning and saw that stupid rock was still there, I called and made an appointment. I thought for sure they could get it out. A few months ago they had to remove some ear wax build up and I thought this would be easy compared to that.

So Monday we went in and they tried to get it out but didn’t feel very comfortable with it either. They told me they would set up an appointment for an ENT for him. We did have to wait on Tricare. Here I am thinking he would have to live with the rock for another few days. As soon as we got home I got a call that we did get the referral and we could come into the ENT anytime.

I wanted to go ASAP because I was so over the stupid rock. We had to wait for a bit but then once the doctor came in he was able to get it out right away. It was the tool he used I am sure and probably just having more experience with things in ears. I was so relieved. We were able to keep the rock and I plan to frame it as a reminder to my son to never ever put anything in his ear and to remind myself that even though crappy things happy during a deployment, I can survive them.

So that folks is why you should never put rocks in your ears.

PS: I think if this had happened on a Thursday night and not the weekend it could have been taken care of the very next morning and would have been a lot less stressful.

 

When Your Daddy Is A Soldier

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When your Daddy is a soldier…things are a little different in your house.

When Your Daddy Is A Soldier

When your Daddy is a soldier. He is not always around when you need him to be. He could miss important events like your birth, your first steps, first words, first day of preschool, first day of kindergarten or anything that Fathers usually come to.

Soldier With his Son

When your Daddy is a soldier, he sometimes has to go away for a very long time. He has to go overseas and help defend our country. He has to do his job and sometimes that means going a long time without seeing him.

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When your Daddy is a soldier you might not always understand why he has to go. You might be too young to understand why Daddy isn’t coming home from work everynight or why it is just Mommy for a while. You might have to ask over and over about when you will see your Daddy again.

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When your Daddy is a soldier, your Mommy works hard to make things fun for you when he is gone. She might take you to get ice cream or the pool or to go see a movie. She has to do it all and she gets sad sometimes too.

When your Daddy is a soldier you have to give up something other kids don’t. You become a little hero because giving up your Daddy for a little bit is a very hard thing to do. It is okay to feel sad about that.

As we prepare for our 4th deployment, I can only think about my children and how it will be for them. They don’t truly understand and I need to be there for them. I will be there to hug them, cry with them and tell them it will be ok. I get to play Mommy and Daddy and step into his shoes when I can. It is hard thinking about it all. Thinking about what they little boys will have to go through.

But days will turn into weeks, weeks into months and it will finally be time for homecoming. My boys will see their Daddy, run into his arms and our family will be whole again.

Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

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Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

When deployment is staring you in the face, you can’t help but think of the time your husband is going to be away. I am already thinking about my kids and how much they will change. When my husband gets back my oldest will be working his way to 10-years-old. Wow! That is a weird thought. My now 6-year-old will be 7 and in the middle of his 1st grade year. My now 2.5 year old will be getting close to 3.5 and will be a completely different child.

When thinking of the upcoming deployment I am also thinking about how the kids will react. I am sad for my oldest. He is going to take it the hardest. He will also remember this time period. My middle son, I just don’t know. My 2.5 year old is going to have a hard time but being that he is so young I don’t think it will really affect him long-term. At least I hope not. You never really know about the little ones. The ones that can’t fully tell you how they are feeling about it.

We have been through deployments before but this one feels different. It will be different because all deployments are different. This is also the deployment that wasn’t supposed to happen for us but with the Army being the Army that changed. I am still trying to get over that but it is hard.

I have been thinking about the time that he will be away and how all of us will change. When he gets back our kids will be different. I will be different. We will not be doing the same things we are doing right now. There will never be another time like right now for our family. Where my 8, 6 and 2-year-old are getting ready to enjoy the summer. Where I am working hard to further my own career from home. Where I sit at the base of a deployment shaped hill and wonder how on earth I am going to get to the other side.

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Maybe he just needs to leave. I know that statement is hard for people who have not gone through a deployment to understand. When you know they have to deploy, when there is nothing you can do to change that, you have to let it go and when you get to that point you are just ready for it to start. You want to start counting down.

When my husband went to JRTC earlier this year I had quite a few, “Oh my! How can I make it through a whole deployment if this is so hard” moments.  But then I started to think about it a little bit. Once the deployment starts and I have moments like that…the deployment will have an expiration date. It might change a few times but I will have a general idea about when it will be over. I will know it won’t last forever. Maybe that will make it a little easier than just having him away for pre-deployment training thinking about future fears.

On December 31, 2006 I stood on the balcony of my German stairwell apartment watching the fireworks with my husband. It was New Year’s Eve and I was not excited about 2007. I knew it was going to be a hard year. I had no idea how hard. My husband was home on R&R. I thought he would be gone for another five months and it ended up being 11. That is a little bit about how I feel right now. That I have something ahead of me that doesn’t look too good. Lonely nights, lonely days, missing him, missing all the little things our family does together that we won’t be able to do for a time. It isn’t fun. But it is what it is.

I know that time will pass and we will get through this deployment. I will be writing a homecoming post sometime in the future. I will get through it somehow. I know it will change me. I am not sure how.

All I can do is pray and find ways to stay busy. I am not looking at this deployment as a way to become a better person. Right now all I can do is figure out ways to survive it. Maybe that will change. Maybe one day I will wake up one morning in a few months and realize that this deployment can be more than that for me.

But for now…I am in survival mode. I just need to get through this. I just need the time to pass so our family can be whole again.

Are you also Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face?

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

5 Creative Care Packages to Send to Your Deployed Spouse

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Here is a post on Creative Care Packages 🙂

written By: Amanda Daniels

Amanda is a stay-at-home mom living in Detroit.

i love u noteCare packages help your deployed spouse feel connected to you, your family and home. With the average deployment being about 9 months, you may quickly run out of ideas of things to send. While staples like deodorant and toothpaste are always needed—and anything from home is always appreciated—soldiers love creative care packages that show how much you care. Next time, try one of these themed care packages full of fun things.

Reading Package

There are a few different routes you can go when putting together a reading care package. One is to choose titles strictly from the New York Times best-seller list; another is to stick with a favorite author or genre. You can also select books that were made into movies that you saw together. This is a personal, loving trip down memory lane, especially if you put an inscription in each book reminding him of when and where you saw the movie. If brand-new books are too expensive, visit a second-hand book store to stock up on titles. If budget permits, you can include a book light, a few of his favorite magazines, word search or crossword puzzle books and a bookmark made by you or the kids.

Fruit Baskets

For occasions like his birthday, your anniversary or the holidays, you might want to send something different than a typical care package. The fruit baskets at FTD.com are a great idea—what soldier doesn’t like edible goodies from home? FTD has a wide array of specialty fruit baskets to choose from, including fresh fruit, nuts, chocolate-dipped fruits and kosher items. Baskets start around $35.

Movie Night Package

If your soldier has access to a DVD player, consider sending him a movie box. Choose either the latest action-adventure, comedy or mystery thriller, or pick up an oldie-but-goodie you know he loves. Throw in some bags of popcorn (microwavable, if he has access to one) or candy, and add some of his favorite soft drinks. Again, new DVDs will cost you about $20-$25 each, so pick up some at a thrift sore or pawn shop for cheaper options.

Beach Party Package

To send him a beach party in a box, start with a beach party CD (a store-bought one will run you about $15, or you can make one yourself). Then add powdered drink mixes in beach-inspired flavors (think fruit punch, mango and piña colada), canned pineapple, leis, inflatable beach balls, sunglasses, sun hat, and small water toys like squirt guns and soaker balls. Hit up a 99¢ only store to get these items on the cheap.

Toy Package

Toys can be a great way to help your soldier unwind and pass the time. Consider sending Nerf footballs, Frisbees, mini travel games, chess, checkers, jacks, yo-yos, dominoes, brain teaser games and handheld electronic games with extra batteries, and card games like Skip-Bo, Uno, Pit and Phase Ten. Many classic board games, like Monopoly and Scrabble, now have card versions as well. You can find most of these items for under $10 at the big-box superstores.

Finally, decorate the inside of the box to match the theme, and have the kids help. If you’re sending a night-at-the-movies care package, use movie-themed decorative paper to line the inside, and add stickers, printed photos of movie stars and personal messages to inside of the box flaps.

 

 

Multiple Deployments Suck

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Multiple Deployments SuckI have been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. I want to try to put into words how I am feeling about our upcoming 4th deployment. Our 4th deployment since 2006. I have a lot of emotions when it comes to this deployment. It is interesting how different I feel this time. I felt a lot of fear right before our 3rd deployment. I just had such a horrible feeling about it. Luckily my husband went and came back without any injuries.

This upcoming deployment I don’t feel a lot of fear. Not the fear of him getting hurt or worse. I feel frustration and annoyance. I am worried that 9 months of solo parenting will change me. I know that might sound weird. All deployments change you. But this time I am just so worried that it will be so hard and frustrating that when he finally gets home, I will not be the happy Julie I once was. That I will be broken and way too burned out.

I have had people tell me after my husband gets back from a deployment that I look so much happier. That there is just something about my face that changes. I hate the thought of going through that dark period where I have a sad face.

I feel like I can’t give very much right now. I feel bad about that. I quit MOPS and I really don’t want to put myself out there for anything else. Last Wednesday was a very bad day. Very bad. My husband was in the field and my son got sent home from school early. All I could think about was that I would feel like that everyday for 9 months. Now that it is a week later, I can see that it was one bad day and not everyday will be like that. Still I hated that feeling and it just scares me to think that would be the norm for us.

Ever since my first deployment I have been praying for at least a two-year break. We still haven’t had that. When I thought my husband didn’t have to deploy, I was thinking we were finally going to get that. Nope. Not us. Not our family.

I guess I am just frustrated. Frustrated he has to go again.  Frustrated that it is our turn again. Frustrated that I have to handle a special needs kid all by myself. Frustrated with the way things are being handled.

And maybe once he leaves the frustration will lesson. Maybe it is just because we are in that horrible pre-deployment period of time.  It sucks you dry from all the different emotions you are feeling. Maybe once he leaves and we get into the routine of it, things will get better.

I remember when he left in February 2011. I needed to take the boys to get haircuts and it was the second day he had been gone. It was the first time I had ever taken all three out by myself. I was so scared. But after many days and then weeks and then months of doing that, it got a lot easier. What once seemed so scary to me was apart of my normal routine. I am hoping it will be the same way this time. That after he leaves and we get more used to it, it will feel better. That it won’t seem so frustrating and crazy. That is my hope.

The fact is, multiple deployments suck. And I can feel the weight of the last three pressing down on me. I need a break. I need a big long break from this.

And to be honest, writing all this out has been helpful.

Can anyone else relate?

 

 

Why Kids Need Routine During Deployment

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4797976206_dba047bd3c_oWhy Kids Need Routine During Deployment

On a good day, with both parents present, kids can be a handful. But what about if one parent is a service member and the other is left at home for long periods of time trying to cope on their own? What then?

When a parent gets deployed, the family has to figure out how to cope without half of the parental unit, and even day-to-day activities can become a challenge. But instilling (and sticking to) a routine can work wonders.

The Need for Sameness

Life has ups and downs, but it is so much harder to cope with the unknown when you’re a kid. Children are ill-equipped to deal with things outside of their comfort zone, like moving, a family member dying, or a parent getting deployed.

In times like these when there are very large uncertainties, repetition is key. If there are things in a kid’s day that they know happen every day, and that everyone does them, the recurrence can provide much needed stability.

If you can figure out a way to get the everyday things done, the bigger things don’t seem quite as bad. The ability to carry on is one that every human, child or not, needs.

Beauty in Repetition

Replacing some of the chaos with structure helps eliminate some of the unknown, and this can translate into better behavior. When kids know the routine, such as taking a bath after dinner, it’s easier to get them to do it. If there’s a time and a place for everything and they know this, you’ll get less resistance that it’s actually playtime and not bath time.

Power struggles aside, routines can also give kids a much-needed sense of control. For example, if it’s bath time, they can control whether they would like bubble bath or not, or which pajamas they want to wear. Allowing them to make small, inconsequential decisions can alleviate the out of control feeling, for both of you.

Don’t just schedule the chores, though. Scheduling fun things like going to the park or after-school adventures will keep the routine from being made exclusively from unpleasant things, and therefore avoiding a negative connotation.

If you schedule fun time AND chore time, your kids will learn what it’s like to look forward to something. They’re less likely to hassle you about going to the park right now if they know they’ll get to go to the park later. And they get to learn that even if you have a bad day, there’s always something they can look forward to, like family game night or going to a baseball game.

Good for You, Good for Them

Having daily and weekly routines is a win-win situation. They get the structure and stability they need so desperately, especially when a parent is deployed. And you get a sense of control and the ability to establish yourself as the sole parent, and that even though the other one is away, you’re still the boss.

Kids will also learn tenacity and how to sit down and do things that they don’t want to do, like homework. By showing them you have to do things you don’t want to as well, you can lead by example. You can even do these things together: you can all sit at the dining table and you can pay bills while the kids do their homework.

You can also schedule a little quiet time before bed to help everyone unwind. Things like putting together a puzzle or reading stories will keep them active, but not wound up or fidgety. If kids know they still have a little time to do quiet things, they might not throw such a fit before bed. Let them accomplish something before sleep, whether it’s building a Lego tower or finishing a chapter in a book.

Keeping kids in a routine will help them cope better with a parent being gone and any other unknowns that might happen while that parent is away on duty. It will also help you cope better with your partner’s absence and keep a sense of order in the house while you bravely hold down the fort waiting for your soldier, sailor, marine, airman, or Coastie to get home.

 

Adrienne May is a military spouse, a mother of three and is the featured author for the Military Spouse Central blog with an active social network of over 100,000 military spouses and family members. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her at @AdrienneMay.

Should We Stay or Should We Go

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When someone joins the Military, they don’t sign up for 20 years right away. Usually they sign-up for 3-4 years and then re-enlist every 3-4 years for a while. They do eventually get to a point where they can re-enlist indefinite. But until that time they really do get a choice about if the Military is in their future or not. When my husband re-joined the Military in 2005, we told ourselves we would try it for three years and see how it goes. Despite a long 15 month deployment, my husband re-enlisted for 5 years in the Spring of 2009. We felt it was the right thing to do at the time.

military familyNow we are getting closer to him having to make a decision about his future in the Army and we are finding it is not an easy decision to make. There are a lot of factors to consider. For one, can we as a family really keep going through deployments like we have been? This every year or even every other year thing is not good. It is possible that things will die down a bit and he won’t have to go as often in the future but I am not holding my breath.

We have our son to think about. How will Drew handle future deployments? How will I be able to stay strong acting as a single parent? The one thing that I felt during JRTC was that I need the support of my husband in dealing with our son. I can get all the outside support but when it comes down to it I need him. If he is overseas and I don’t really have much of a chance to communicate regularly with him, how will I be able to handle that? Would years of going through that tear me down?

Then there is the money issue. The Military is a steady paycheck with healthcare. My husband didn’t go to college and doesn’t really have another career waiting for him. He is in the Infantry and that is where he has all his training in. Should we give all that up to figure something else out? Ideally I would make a full-time income from home. That is the ideal and what I am working for. But what if I can’t do it? What if I fail at it? It would be a huge change for our family. For the past 8 years I have been the one to be in charge of the kids, the meals and the house. Right now it seems ideal but what if it really isn’t? What if having him home so much and having him take over everything I have been in charge of for years throws us for a loop?

There is so much to think about. So many pluses and minus on either side. I don’t want my husband to be in harm’s way. I don’t want him missing parts of my children’s childhood but what if staying in the Army is the best choice for him?

Have you been unsure about your future as a Military family?

When He is Away, I Miss His Jokes

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When he is away…

Army Couple

I miss his jokes.

I miss seeing him make coffee.

I miss being able to talk to him about all the silly stuff.

I miss watching movies together after the boys go to bed.

I miss him laughing at the silly stuff our boys say.

I miss the joy I feel when I come home and see he is home from work early…especially on a Friday afternoon.

I miss hogging all the covers.

I miss being able to run to Target for an hour all by myself on a Sunday afternoon.

I miss driving through a Starbucks and getting coffee together.

I miss hearing the garage door open knowing that means he must be home.

I miss asking him what he wants for dinner.

I miss going to church all together.

I miss watching the kids play together.

Whenever he is gone there is just a part of me that is never 100% okay with it, even if each day doesn’t seem too bad. Sometimes it is the little things, the everyday things that I miss the most. The memories I get from a coffee cup or a pair of shoes. It’s the daily chit-chat that seems the hardest to do without.

This time he won’t be gone too long and I have more than enough to keep me busy but it reminds me that a deployment is coming. It reminds me that before too long I will have to get used to this for months and months. That I will have to get back into deployment mode and that makes me sad. That I will not only miss all this stuff but he will also be in a dangerous place. That he won’t just be in a different state, that he will be on the other side of the world from us.

I try not to think about that. The deployment hasn’t started yet but the pre-deployment period has started and I need to accept it. I need to prepare myself for the rest of this year.

I tell myself that 9 months isn’t too long. It seems like we just got back from our California trip and that was 6 months ago. But still, it is knowing how much I will miss that makes me sad.

On the other hand, knowing that being apart will make us stronger is comforting. Knowing that at the end of it all we will have another wonderful homecoming is a nice thought. Knowing that we have been through much worse makes me feel better.

But how does one really prepare for such a long time without the person they love the most? How do you get used to the idea that you have to say goodbye?  A lot of people say that deployments don’t get any easier, and they don’t. They are all different and we are at different stages when we go through them.

I just hope and pray that this deployment isn’t too horrible. That it goes by quickly and that before we know it, he will be home with us again. Standing on this side of the deployment isn’t very fun but time moves on and no deployment lasts forever.

Are you in a pre-deployment season too?