Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Thoughts On My Last Week As An Active Duty Army Spouse

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Eight days. That is all we have left as an active duty family. The day after we will officially be a National Guard family. Talk about a change.

It seems weird. We have been waiting for this day for a while now and here it is just a week away.

I think back on the last 8.5 years and everything we have been through.

20120413-IMG_7430We started this journey in November 2005 when I dropped Ben off at the recruiting office in Lexington, Kentucky. We had one little 13 month old boy and no idea what we were getting ourselves into. It seems so strange thinking about life back then. We had been married a little over three years at that time and we knew life was going to seriously change. We were just not sure how.

We knew that it would take a while for Daniel and I to join Ben in Germany. We had no idea it would take 4.5 months and too many tears to get over there. Joining the Military right before Thanksgiving is not the best plan.

Once we made it over there, we were in for quite the adventure. Not only did we have to figure out what Military life was like (it was all new to me) but we had to figure out how to live in Germany. On top of all that I was pregnant.

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Within a few months of getting to Germany we were getting ready to say goodbye to Ben for his first deployment. We assumed it would be a year. In the end it was 15 months and very difficult for us. Luckily there was an amazing support system of Military spouses and somehow we made it through. During those 15 months I really learned what it meant to be an Army wife. I knew how hard it was to be away from my husband. I knew how hard it was to be the only parent in the house. I gave birth without my husband next to me and somehow figured out how to be Mom and Dad to two very small children for a very long time.

It was then I thought things would get easier. That deployments would be easier. That because I made it through that, I could make it through anything. In some ways this is very true. Had I started my life as an Army wife with a more simple and shorter deployment, would I have had the strength to get through others? It is hard to say. It is hard to know if that 15 month deployment wore me down too much or made me stronger. I might not ever know.

After that deployment we ended up moving from Schweinfurt to Graf in Germany. That was such a nice change. It was then I learned that not all Military housing is the same. He didn’t change rank, we just moved and they totally upgraded us. We went from a 3rd floor stairwell apartment into a brand new 4 bedroom duplex. And even though it was a duplex, it didn’t feel like it. We hardly heard our neighbors.

At pretty much the 365 day mark after Ben got back from his deployment, he left again. He was going to Iraq a second time. This deployment ended up being 11 months. It also made it so we had to stay in Germany a little longer. This was frustrating because as amazing as Germany was, we were ready to go back to the US.

Once he was home we went on one final trip. A Mediterranean Cruise. We never would have been able to go on this trip and I am so glad we did it. We got to see 7 countries on this trip too.

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We moved back to the US in March of 2010 heading straight to Ft. Campbell on the KY/TN border. We decided we did not want to live on post here and found a rental. Ben got into his unit and I got pregnant with our 3rd child. Then we heard the news that his unit would be deploying at the end of that summer. Since he had just returned in November, he was able to stay back until at least then. I was due December 1st and it kept going back and forth as far as when he would leave. He ended up not going anywhere until February which gave us 15 months in between deployments.

When he returned from that 5.5 month deployment, we bought a house in Clarksville, Tennessee. At the time we didn’t know what our future would be with the Military but we knew we would be here until 2014 and we knew there was a good chance we could stay longer than that. Deciding whether to buy a house when you are in the Military can be a hard choice but we decided it was the best one for us.

It was in the time between our 3rd deployment and 4th that we decided it was time for Active Duty Army life to end for us. There were several different reasons for this. I honestly didn’t think we would have a 4th deployment. It kept going back and forth. At one point he was pulled from the list because he was getting out. Then, with two weeks to go, he was told he was deploying after all.

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This crushed me. I am not sure if it was because I thought we were done with deployments, if I had just done too much in too short amount of time or if I was just tired with everything and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with. I don’t know but that 4th deployment was my hardest. Don’t get me wrong, they were all hard but the last one was pretty brutal on me emotionally.

Somehow time passed and we got through it. He came home a week before Christmas.

Since then we have been preparing for ETSing from the Army. He isn’t retiring. He isn’t getting medically discharged, he is just ETSing.

As I look at the past and the future, I know the last 8.5 years have changed me in a lot of ways. Somethings are easier for me to deal with and others are harder.

I am not sure what the National Guard life will be like. I am going into it without that many expectations. It will be so different from what we have been through the last 8.5 years but at the same time we will still be apart of the Army family. It will be a change and hopefully for the better.

 

 

 

Memorial Day When You Are a Military Spouse

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Memorial Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Today is Memorial Day

A day when most Americans remember those who have lost their lives to war. A day when most Americans have a day off, go to a parade and bbq. This is just what we do on this day.

But for the Military community, Memorial day is a little different. We do usually have the day off, go to a parade and bbq. But we also remember those who have lost their lives. But for each of us, it gets a little more personal. Each of us knows a Gold Star family. I know of four of them personally. Four friends who became widows during our past deployments.

They are who I think about on this day.

  • I think about how we all said goodbye to our husbands together, yet some did not return.
  • I think about my husband telling a fellow soldier what it was like to be a Dad, only to have that soldier lose his life the very next day. His wife was pregnant with their first baby.
  • I think about reading that email about the soldier who died and realizing I knew that last name. It belonged to a friend of mine.
  • I think about hearing my husband talk about his buddy. How they had a lot in common. How he was a family guy too. And then receiving a phone call while I was in Vienna of all places, that he had also been killed in action.
  • I think about the fence outside the elementary school in Germany with the photos of those who we had lost during that long 15 month deployment.
  • I think about the little children that will never know their own fathers because they died before they were old enough to be able to remember them.
  • I think about the older children that still feel the loss so greatly years later.
  • I think about the Moms sending their children off to war only to get the knock on the door that they were not coming home.
  • I think about the end of a Memorial service when they call for the soldier and he does not answer. I think about how heartbreaking that really is.
  • I think about the table that sits empty at every Military Ball.

This is what I think about on Memorial Day. I can’t help it. As a Military spouse, I have experienced all of this. It is real. Not just something that happened 50 years ago.

So when you are enjoying your day off and having a bbq, please remember the Gold Star families who are missing someone. Remember what they have been through and what they have given up. Say a prayer and remember that freedom is just not free. It always comes with a cost.

 

Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget

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Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget

So your husband is gone. You no longer have him to help with your kids. No more easy trips to the store to pick up a few things, no more ladies nights, you pretty much have to bring your kids everywhere you need to go.

You can get a babysitter which is nice, but using one often can add up. I know here in Tennessee you will end up paying close to $10/hour for a good sitter. So what do you do when you just can’t afford that but need to have some time for yourself? How do you handle life when you need that break but it feels like that $10/hour is way out of your budget?

This is how I have done c without having to spend a lot of money.

  • Trade with a friend. Find someone you trust with your kids and trade-off on babysitting. Neither one of you has to pay a dime. You can do it weekly or monthly or as often as you would like. During one of our deployments my friend and I took turns watching each other kids while we went grocery shopping. It was so nice to be able to do it alone and not have to take my kids with me. We even took turns to go to church on Easter Sunday.
  • Take advantage of hourly care. Most duty stations will have a CDC hourly care for you to use. You will just need to sign your kids up at your local CYSS. You will renew yearly from then on. When we were in Germany we were given 16 hours of free care during the deployment. Here at Ft. Campbell we were able to get half-price hourly care which is $2.00 an hour. Not a bad deal at all and they feed them breakfast and lunch if they are there at meal times. I started using hourly care when my oldest was about 20 months old and I was pregnant and I knew I would need something as my husband was getting ready to deploy.
  • Take advantage of Parent’s Night Out and Super Saturdays. At each post we have been stationed at they have had Super Saturdays for us to use during the deployment and a few months after he got home. We drop the kids off at 9am and pick them up by 5pm. This was so nice when my husband was gone. I was able to meet friends and shop or just take some time to myself. It definitely made the weekend go by a lot faster. Now that he is home and we can still use it for a bit we are having a great time with spending the day together. Other places in town such as a local church or the YMCA might have Parent’s Night out for you to use. See what is available in your area. You might be surprised at what you can find.

 

How have you been able to find Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget?

Should You Live On Post During A Deployment?

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20110129-IMG_9646-2One question a lot of people have is if it is better to live on post during a deployment or not. Most Military families know that a deployment or even a time of separation is in their future. They have to ask themselves what would be best.

I think that question is a hard one to answer. For some, on post living is best. For others, it is a different story.

Here are a few things to think about when it comes to living on or off post during a deployment-

  • When you live on post, you have better access to what the post offers. This really depends on what your own duty station offers and what the city you would be living in offers. For us here at Ft. Campbell, there is a lot to do on post. Since we live off and I didn’t want to drive to post everyday, it was not as easy as it is for those that live there. We don’t do as much just because it is harder to put in the schedule. During a deployment you should be able to received some free or low-cost items for your kids. Here we only have to pay $2/hour for hourly care and each child gets money towards SKIES programs. Being on post can help you take advantage of these benefits a little easier.
  • Where do the majority of your friends live? For our first two deployments we were either on post or in Government leased housing. We were surrounded by Military which meant that a lot of my friends lived right by me and they too were going through deployments. We were all dealing with it together. This made it a lot easier to get together and we could see each other almost daily without too much trouble. We could make last-minute plans and it wasn’t a huge deal. For our 3rd and 4th deployments we lived off post away from others who were going through deployments. I could tell the difference. On the flip side if you have some really amazing neighbors, they might be able to really help you out when your spouse is gone. It just depends on where you live and who you live by.
  • It might be best for your to live off post during a deployment if you like your own space.  If your spouse is deployed, you might not even need to go on post very often. Some people need that break from the daily Military life. If you own your own home you might enjoy working on your house while your spouse is gone. You have a lot more freedom then you do on post. If your servicemember is planning to ETS right after the deployment, you might even decide to take the kids and move to where you plan to live after the Military.

I know for myself that if I was going to have to do it over again, I would most likely want to be on post for a deployment. I think it makes it a little easier for everyone. I would have better access to the activities and people that would help be get through the deployment.

What do you think based on your own experiences?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Journey Through Deployment Book Review

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned below for free in the hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”Journeycover_3D

I love all the support that is out there for us Military spouses. I got the privilege of reviewing an E-book by fellow Blogger and Military Spouse, Kathryn Sneed. Kathryn has been blogging at Singing Through the Rain since 2011. Her blog is a supportive blog for Military spouses and one of my favorites!

Journey Through Deployment: Stepping Forward with Confidence During Military Separations is filled with:

  • Tips for preparing yourself and your family for deployment.
  • Hope and encouragement to get you through deployment.
  • A section for civilians to learn what military life is like.
  • Tips for preparing yourself and your family for reintegration.
  • Stories, lessons, and journeys of other military spouses just like you!

I read this book as we finished up our fourth deployment and I can tell you it is filled with a lot of great advice for anyone going through a deployment. When your spouse first leaves it can be overwhelming. You might not know how you should feel or if what you are feeling is okay. Having a book like this will help you understand that you are not alone. It can also teach you what to expect as the deployment goes on. I would have loved to have read something like this during our first deployment.

I also enjoyed the stories the author added and advice from other spouses. It really helps to hear from different people as different people do have different deployment experiences.

You can purchase Journey Through Deployment at Amazon or as a PDF file.

Thanksgiving When They Are Deployed

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Thanksgiving when they are deployed

Thanksgiving When They Are Deployed

It was 2006 and my husband had just left for his 1st deployment. We were about three months in when it was time for Thanksgiving. We were in Germany on a smaller post so almost everyone I knew had a deployed husband. Instead of spending the holiday alone a bunch of us got together and spent the day talking, eating and letting the kids play.

It was the best idea we could have had. Instead of being sad about our husbands not being home we got to enjoy the holiday together. I was pretty pregnant with my middle son but I still really enjoyed myself. Some of the wives were even able to video chat with their husbands during the meal making it feel like the husbands were not so far away.

Even years later I think about that day and how it was a perfect example of Military wives working together to turn a bad situation into a good one. We all had each other and enjoyed spending the day making memories even though we had to do so without our husband there.

Another great thing about doing this is that we got to try new foods that might have been special to another wife that we had not ever had during Thanksgiving. It gave us a chance to share food or traditions that were special to us. This was a lot of fun and it was great to try foods I would never have thought to make for myself or my family.

Now I am looking at another Thanksgiving with a deployed spouse. I have plans to spend the meal with a very good friend, her family and a bunch of other people. This year it won’t be a group of wives with deployed spouses but I know we will have fun and will enjoy the day. We will be with friends and we will be making memories just the same.

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In other years we have gotten together with other Military families who did not go home for the long weekend. Not everyone can make it back home for Thanksgiving. It is nice to be able to do that so you don’t feel so alone in being without family for the day.

One of the things about being a Military spouse is that sometimes holidays are spent with friends, not family. You make the best of a situation and go with it. By doing this you become closer to each other because of the bond spending a holiday together can bring.

If you are going to be without your spouse this Thanksgiving, think about who you could spend it with. Think about how next year your spouse will probably be home and how this is just one year of many that you have to spend without each other. And remember, it is just one holiday and if you want to keep it small, you can do that too.

Have you ever spent a Thanksgiving with a deployed spouse? What did you do to get through?

Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

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He has been gone four months now. 120 days.

I miss him so much as you can imagine.

I miss his jokes. One of the first things I noticed about him was his sense of humor. It is silly and cheezy and I miss it.

I miss it when he holds my hand. Whether we are walking in the mall or going out to lunch.

I miss telling him about my day and all the stupid things no one else really cares about it. I tell that man everything and for four months I have not had that.

I miss him with the boys. From playing outside with Daniel to trying to get Drew to laugh to helping Joshua on the playground.

Army CoupleI miss him drinking more coffee than I do.

So far during this deployment we have been pretty much been able to talk with each other on Facebook each and everyday. I have not heard from him since Monday. Usually I can go about 3-4 days before I get upset about not talking with him. So that is about where I am at. I am trying not to get upset but it is hard. It is so difficult to not be able to talk to your other half on a regular basis. There have been so many times when I have something to say to him and can’t say it.

I almost feel like our relationship is “on hold” in a way. Not that we are currently not married or anything like that. Just that we can not have anything close to a normal relationship while he is gone.

They say “distance makes the heart grow fonder” and I think it has been true for us. You get to a point in the deployment where you start thinking about everything nice you have done together over the years. You remember all the things you fell in love with and you look forward to the future when you can be normal again.

As homecoming gets closer you think about how it will feel to be in his arms again. To be his wife, not just in name only. To be able to act like a couple instead of just remembering it.

This homecoming will be very special for us. It will be the last one for us. In the past when he has come home from deployment I always thought, “He is mine, for now…” This time, I will not have a future deployment to think about. That makes me even more excited for him to come home.

As I look back over the years I wonder what our relationship would look like if he had never left? If we were one of those couples that had never spent a day away from each other. I also wonder what it will be like when he doesn’t have to go anywhere ever again. After years of him being home and then not, will I miss that independence? I just don’t know.

Have you felt that distance has made you and your spouse stronger?