Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

How To Conquer Deployment Sadness

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How To Conquer Deployment Sadness

It’s D day. You have to say goodbye. You drop them off. You hug and kiss for the last time. You drive away and then what? Sadness, just sadness and it can last for a while.

At least that is how it goes for me. Just a feeling of sadness. Sad that you had to say goodbye, sad that you are alone, sad that you can think of everything they are going to miss.

So how do you conquer this deployment sadness? How do you start to feel joy?

Well…we are 3.5 weeks in to this deployment and I think I have turned a corner. I don’t really feel that sadness as much. Yes, I am sad he is gone, I miss him like crazy and I still hate the fact that he is deployed but it is different than it was the first few weeks.

I knew this. I knew that as sad as I felt, it would get better and it has.

I saw a friend of mine the day after he left. She asked how I was and I said I felt like I was in some bad dream. It just didn’t feel real. It just felt sad.

Now if someone asks I can say, “I am ok, feeling a bitter better than I was.”

The first few weeks were so stressful, so painful and so exhausting. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sleeping, I was just emotionally spent. It still felt like he was here. I still had his laundry to put away. I kept thinking things like, “It was just last week we all went to the park together.” It is hard. It is like they are a ghost and they are just gone. You have to get used to that. It takes time before you get into your deployment mode and start to think that you actually can get through the next 200-300 days without your husband.

It is never going to feel normal. Never. It never will feel completely right. I can have a wonderful day, get home, put the kids to bed and then shed a couple of tears because I miss him. It isn’t going to feel 100% right again until he is home. At least that is the way it is for me.

We can have fun, we can have good days, we can go a whole week without a tear but it still will not be right until he is home.

So, how do you conquer the sadness? I don’t think there is much you can do. You can stay busy, you can journal, you can remind yourself 1,000 times that the deployment won’t last forever and that you won’t feel so horrible the whole time but the only true cure is time. You have to get through more and more days until you hit that deployment stride that will take to you the end.

It is just like when you are getting on a freeway with a really long on-ramp. You seem to be going in a circle for a while then finally you emerge on the freeway headed to your destination. That is how I feel right now. I have survived the first few weeks of yuck. Our one month mark is just around the corner. I am finally on the freeway. I still have a long way to go but at least we are finally headed at a better pace.

I really do think the first month and last month of a deployment are the worst. You just have to get through them. One day at a time or one hour at a time if you must.

Anyone else just hit this point?

Why You Don’t Put Rocks In Your Ears

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My Son stuck a rock in his earBefore this deployment started I was pretty freaked out about going it alone with the three boys. Well…looks like I was right. This deployment started out in a very crazy way and I am still wondering how we are going to make it.

Although apart of me hopes that because it started in such a way, it will only get better. One can hope.

Anyway, last week my 8-year-old went to Boy Scout day camp. He had a blast. I picked him up on Friday and took him home. I noticed he was touching his ear but didn’t think too much about it.

I went about my day. I decided I was going to make a nice meal. I had put a roast in the crock pot and even made cornbread muffins. Yum. I was looking forward to sitting down and relaxing while I ate my yummy meal. My kids will eat it too which is a plus. Well I put all the food on the table and noticed my son messing with his ear again. I asked him what was wrong and if it was hurting him. That is when he told me… HE PUT A ROCK IN HIS EAR! Say what? Really? Why? He told me it was itching him. This is the only time he would admit why he did it. Anytime anyone else asked him he said he didn’t know.

Okay…so I take a deep breath. Maybe he means a tiny little pebble about the size of sand. We always get sand in our ear at the beach, no big deal right? I will get my husband’s little flashlight and look.

Man…that is a ROCK not a little sand size grain. It was now 6:00. I had to think about to do. I didn’t want to take any chances but I knew that it would be best if we had food in our tummy. I made everyone eat and I quickly finished my meal. So much for enjoying it. I didn’t even take the time to butter my cornbread.

I called my friend J. She is amazing. I hate hate having to ask for help but I also could not see taking all three boys to the ER with me. She was able to take my other two and we headed to her house. On the way, Drew, my six-year-old told me it was really good that he was going to her house because he isn’t so good at waiting in waiting rooms. So true and glad he can recognize that about himself.

Anyway, dropped them off and headed to the ER. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had never been there before except when I had what we later found out was Bell’s Palsy and then it was called Urgent Care. It wasn’t too bad. We checked in and five minutes later they called us to one of the rooms. I was thinking it wasn’t going to be a big deal. They would just pull the rock out and we would be on our way.

Well the first guy couldn’t do it. He said they would need to use water so we would need to wait for a room.

We only had to wait 15 minutes and then they took us back. The first nurse said he didn’t even see a rock. Trust me nurse, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen the rock with my own eyes.

The doctor came in, saw the rock and tried a few different things. It really seemed like they didn’t want to try hard to get it out. While I understand this I was just getting frustrated. To me it looked simple with the right tools but the ER didn’t have any of those. They sent in another nurse to try the water. That didn’t work so they gave him some drops and told us to call ENT on Monday if it was still in there. I guess it isn’t a huge deal to have a rock in your ear for a few days as long as it really isn’t hurting you.

I made the decision to not go back to BACH but to call our regular doctor on Monday. So when I woke up Monday morning and saw that stupid rock was still there, I called and made an appointment. I thought for sure they could get it out. A few months ago they had to remove some ear wax build up and I thought this would be easy compared to that.

So Monday we went in and they tried to get it out but didn’t feel very comfortable with it either. They told me they would set up an appointment for an ENT for him. We did have to wait on Tricare. Here I am thinking he would have to live with the rock for another few days. As soon as we got home I got a call that we did get the referral and we could come into the ENT anytime.

I wanted to go ASAP because I was so over the stupid rock. We had to wait for a bit but then once the doctor came in he was able to get it out right away. It was the tool he used I am sure and probably just having more experience with things in ears. I was so relieved. We were able to keep the rock and I plan to frame it as a reminder to my son to never ever put anything in his ear and to remind myself that even though crappy things happy during a deployment, I can survive them.

So that folks is why you should never put rocks in your ears.

PS: I think if this had happened on a Thursday night and not the weekend it could have been taken care of the very next morning and would have been a lot less stressful.

 

Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

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Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

When deployment is staring you in the face, you can’t help but think of the time your husband is going to be away. I am already thinking about my kids and how much they will change. When my husband gets back my oldest will be working his way to 10-years-old. Wow! That is a weird thought. My now 6-year-old will be 7 and in the middle of his 1st grade year. My now 2.5 year old will be getting close to 3.5 and will be a completely different child.

When thinking of the upcoming deployment I am also thinking about how the kids will react. I am sad for my oldest. He is going to take it the hardest. He will also remember this time period. My middle son, I just don’t know. My 2.5 year old is going to have a hard time but being that he is so young I don’t think it will really affect him long-term. At least I hope not. You never really know about the little ones. The ones that can’t fully tell you how they are feeling about it.

We have been through deployments before but this one feels different. It will be different because all deployments are different. This is also the deployment that wasn’t supposed to happen for us but with the Army being the Army that changed. I am still trying to get over that but it is hard.

I have been thinking about the time that he will be away and how all of us will change. When he gets back our kids will be different. I will be different. We will not be doing the same things we are doing right now. There will never be another time like right now for our family. Where my 8, 6 and 2-year-old are getting ready to enjoy the summer. Where I am working hard to further my own career from home. Where I sit at the base of a deployment shaped hill and wonder how on earth I am going to get to the other side.

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Maybe he just needs to leave. I know that statement is hard for people who have not gone through a deployment to understand. When you know they have to deploy, when there is nothing you can do to change that, you have to let it go and when you get to that point you are just ready for it to start. You want to start counting down.

When my husband went to JRTC earlier this year I had quite a few, “Oh my! How can I make it through a whole deployment if this is so hard” moments.  But then I started to think about it a little bit. Once the deployment starts and I have moments like that…the deployment will have an expiration date. It might change a few times but I will have a general idea about when it will be over. I will know it won’t last forever. Maybe that will make it a little easier than just having him away for pre-deployment training thinking about future fears.

On December 31, 2006 I stood on the balcony of my German stairwell apartment watching the fireworks with my husband. It was New Year’s Eve and I was not excited about 2007. I knew it was going to be a hard year. I had no idea how hard. My husband was home on R&R. I thought he would be gone for another five months and it ended up being 11. That is a little bit about how I feel right now. That I have something ahead of me that doesn’t look too good. Lonely nights, lonely days, missing him, missing all the little things our family does together that we won’t be able to do for a time. It isn’t fun. But it is what it is.

I know that time will pass and we will get through this deployment. I will be writing a homecoming post sometime in the future. I will get through it somehow. I know it will change me. I am not sure how.

All I can do is pray and find ways to stay busy. I am not looking at this deployment as a way to become a better person. Right now all I can do is figure out ways to survive it. Maybe that will change. Maybe one day I will wake up one morning in a few months and realize that this deployment can be more than that for me.

But for now…I am in survival mode. I just need to get through this. I just need the time to pass so our family can be whole again.

Are you also Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face?

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Why Kids Need Routine During Deployment

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4797976206_dba047bd3c_oWhy Kids Need Routine During Deployment

On a good day, with both parents present, kids can be a handful. But what about if one parent is a service member and the other is left at home for long periods of time trying to cope on their own? What then?

When a parent gets deployed, the family has to figure out how to cope without half of the parental unit, and even day-to-day activities can become a challenge. But instilling (and sticking to) a routine can work wonders.

The Need for Sameness

Life has ups and downs, but it is so much harder to cope with the unknown when you’re a kid. Children are ill-equipped to deal with things outside of their comfort zone, like moving, a family member dying, or a parent getting deployed.

In times like these when there are very large uncertainties, repetition is key. If there are things in a kid’s day that they know happen every day, and that everyone does them, the recurrence can provide much needed stability.

If you can figure out a way to get the everyday things done, the bigger things don’t seem quite as bad. The ability to carry on is one that every human, child or not, needs.

Beauty in Repetition

Replacing some of the chaos with structure helps eliminate some of the unknown, and this can translate into better behavior. When kids know the routine, such as taking a bath after dinner, it’s easier to get them to do it. If there’s a time and a place for everything and they know this, you’ll get less resistance that it’s actually playtime and not bath time.

Power struggles aside, routines can also give kids a much-needed sense of control. For example, if it’s bath time, they can control whether they would like bubble bath or not, or which pajamas they want to wear. Allowing them to make small, inconsequential decisions can alleviate the out of control feeling, for both of you.

Don’t just schedule the chores, though. Scheduling fun things like going to the park or after-school adventures will keep the routine from being made exclusively from unpleasant things, and therefore avoiding a negative connotation.

If you schedule fun time AND chore time, your kids will learn what it’s like to look forward to something. They’re less likely to hassle you about going to the park right now if they know they’ll get to go to the park later. And they get to learn that even if you have a bad day, there’s always something they can look forward to, like family game night or going to a baseball game.

Good for You, Good for Them

Having daily and weekly routines is a win-win situation. They get the structure and stability they need so desperately, especially when a parent is deployed. And you get a sense of control and the ability to establish yourself as the sole parent, and that even though the other one is away, you’re still the boss.

Kids will also learn tenacity and how to sit down and do things that they don’t want to do, like homework. By showing them you have to do things you don’t want to as well, you can lead by example. You can even do these things together: you can all sit at the dining table and you can pay bills while the kids do their homework.

You can also schedule a little quiet time before bed to help everyone unwind. Things like putting together a puzzle or reading stories will keep them active, but not wound up or fidgety. If kids know they still have a little time to do quiet things, they might not throw such a fit before bed. Let them accomplish something before sleep, whether it’s building a Lego tower or finishing a chapter in a book.

Keeping kids in a routine will help them cope better with a parent being gone and any other unknowns that might happen while that parent is away on duty. It will also help you cope better with your partner’s absence and keep a sense of order in the house while you bravely hold down the fort waiting for your soldier, sailor, marine, airman, or Coastie to get home.

 

Adrienne May is a military spouse, a mother of three and is the featured author for the Military Spouse Central blog with an active social network of over 100,000 military spouses and family members. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her at @AdrienneMay.

When He is Away, I Miss His Jokes

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When he is away…

Army Couple

I miss his jokes.

I miss seeing him make coffee.

I miss being able to talk to him about all the silly stuff.

I miss watching movies together after the boys go to bed.

I miss him laughing at the silly stuff our boys say.

I miss the joy I feel when I come home and see he is home from work early…especially on a Friday afternoon.

I miss hogging all the covers.

I miss being able to run to Target for an hour all by myself on a Sunday afternoon.

I miss driving through a Starbucks and getting coffee together.

I miss hearing the garage door open knowing that means he must be home.

I miss asking him what he wants for dinner.

I miss going to church all together.

I miss watching the kids play together.

Whenever he is gone there is just a part of me that is never 100% okay with it, even if each day doesn’t seem too bad. Sometimes it is the little things, the everyday things that I miss the most. The memories I get from a coffee cup or a pair of shoes. It’s the daily chit-chat that seems the hardest to do without.

This time he won’t be gone too long and I have more than enough to keep me busy but it reminds me that a deployment is coming. It reminds me that before too long I will have to get used to this for months and months. That I will have to get back into deployment mode and that makes me sad. That I will not only miss all this stuff but he will also be in a dangerous place. That he won’t just be in a different state, that he will be on the other side of the world from us.

I try not to think about that. The deployment hasn’t started yet but the pre-deployment period has started and I need to accept it. I need to prepare myself for the rest of this year.

I tell myself that 9 months isn’t too long. It seems like we just got back from our California trip and that was 6 months ago. But still, it is knowing how much I will miss that makes me sad.

On the other hand, knowing that being apart will make us stronger is comforting. Knowing that at the end of it all we will have another wonderful homecoming is a nice thought. Knowing that we have been through much worse makes me feel better.

But how does one really prepare for such a long time without the person they love the most? How do you get used to the idea that you have to say goodbye?  A lot of people say that deployments don’t get any easier, and they don’t. They are all different and we are at different stages when we go through them.

I just hope and pray that this deployment isn’t too horrible. That it goes by quickly and that before we know it, he will be home with us again. Standing on this side of the deployment isn’t very fun but time moves on and no deployment lasts forever.

Are you in a pre-deployment season too?

Too Many Years of War

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On March 19th, 2003 Operation Iraqi Freedom began.  My husband and I went to downtown Santa Rosa, CA where we were living and took part in a support the troops rally. My husband was not active duty Army at this time. He didn’t re-join until the end of 2005. During this rally we saw a lot of patriotic signs. I was very much for what we were doing and supported it fully. I also supported the troops and wanted them to know that people out there stood behind them and supported them. War in Iraq

At the time I had no idea what the words, “War on Terror,” “Afghanistan” or “Iraq” would mean to my personal life. I had no idea how supporting the troops would go from holding up signs, to sending my own husband off to war. I really had no inkling that TEN years later we would be getting ready for a fourth deployment.

The war in Afghanistan started October 7, 2001. That is 11+ years ago. 11 years of war!

My husband has been to Afghanistan before, but just for a few months. His upcoming deployment he will be there for a lot longer. He has been to Iraq twice for a total of 26 months. I hope this next deployment is the last time he has to go to Afghanistan.

When I look at what has happened in Iraq and Afghanistan as a whole over the last few years it does look like we are winding down. When I think about the surge in Iraq and how that affected us, it makes this next deployment look easy. But then you never really know. My husband could be extended again for any amount of time. We really don’t know.

I want the American people to know that although things are not like they were in say 2006, we are still sending our Military to start new deployments in Afghanistan. We probably will for a while longer. We probably will always be sending someone there. And others are still being sent to Iraq. As time passes it might be easy for America to forget everything we have done over there. If it isn’t on the news 24/7, it sometimes is forgotten But our family can’t forget. That is what happens when a member of your family serves in the Military. You know first hand about war and what it is like to love someone fighting in it. And 11 years is a long time to be at war when you are a Military family.

I would love to think that we can enter a time of peace but I also know that there are other countries and parts of the world that might need our Military, even if everything settles down completely in Afghanistan. And I should expect that as long as my husband is in the Army. It is apart of his job. But that doesn’t stop me from praying for peace or hoping that things don’t get as bad as they have been the last 11 years. It doesn’t stop me from hoping that the next big fight America is in can be over quickly and without as much loss as we have had with Iraq and Afghanistan. I suppose only time will tell.

“The soldier is the Army. No army is better than its soldiers. The Soldier is also a citizen. In fact, the highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of bearing arms for one’s country”
― George S. Patton Jr.