Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

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He has been gone four months now. 120 days.

I miss him so much as you can imagine.

I miss his jokes. One of the first things I noticed about him was his sense of humor. It is silly and cheezy and I miss it.

I miss it when he holds my hand. Whether we are walking in the mall or going out to lunch.

I miss telling him about my day and all the stupid things no one else really cares about it. I tell that man everything and for four months I have not had that.

I miss him with the boys. From playing outside with Daniel to trying to get Drew to laugh to helping Joshua on the playground.

Army CoupleI miss him drinking more coffee than I do.

So far during this deployment we have been pretty much been able to talk with each other on Facebook each and everyday. I have not heard from him since Monday. Usually I can go about 3-4 days before I get upset about not talking with him. So that is about where I am at. I am trying not to get upset but it is hard. It is so difficult to not be able to talk to your other half on a regular basis. There have been so many times when I have something to say to him and can’t say it.

I almost feel like our relationship is “on hold” in a way. Not that we are currently not married or anything like that. Just that we can not have anything close to a normal relationship while he is gone.

They say “distance makes the heart grow fonder” and I think it has been true for us. You get to a point in the deployment where you start thinking about everything nice you have done together over the years. You remember all the things you fell in love with and you look forward to the future when you can be normal again.

As homecoming gets closer you think about how it will feel to be in his arms again. To be his wife, not just in name only. To be able to act like a couple instead of just remembering it.

This homecoming will be very special for us. It will be the last one for us. In the past when he has come home from deployment I always thought, “He is mine, for now…” This time, I will not have a future deployment to think about. That makes me even more excited for him to come home.

As I look back over the years I wonder what our relationship would look like if he had never left? If we were one of those couples that had never spent a day away from each other. I also wonder what it will be like when he doesn’t have to go anywhere ever again. After years of him being home and then not, will I miss that independence? I just don’t know.

Have you felt that distance has made you and your spouse stronger?

 

100 Days Of Deployment

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hghghghgWe are here. 100 days of deployment have been conquered. Technically we will hit 100 days over the weekend.

Last week we hit the three-month mark. I had planned to blog about it. How I was doing much better. How life was getting better. How I was not as sad and upset as I had been. How I had hope that this was going to end. Then Thursday night happened. My air went out again…and the frustration of the last few months fell on my shoulders. I was right back to where I started, at least that is what it felt like. I tried my best to go on and do what needed to be done but it was hard. This last week, I was pretty down. I didn’t want to be around people much. I just wanted to sit, with a fan on me and relax.

Today is much better. I am feeling better once again. I feel more like myself. I feel the days are passing. I feel like we can do this.

I hate the ups and downs that a deployment brings. One day is good, one day is bad. It can eat at you. When you feel so upset and down that you and your spouse and living separate lives. When you feel like no one really understands. When you feel like if you could just make it to bedtime, you would make it. Those times are so very difficult for us Military Spouses.

Deployments can be a journey. They can be a time to reflect on yourself and figure out what needs improvement. They can be a time to learn something new. They can be a time where you might be forced to act outside of your comfort zone.

Once you hit 100 days you can’t help but realize that you are making it through the months. That time is passing. When you think about how long it is since you saw your loved one, you can’t help but think about how making it that many days means you are getting through it. Even if your deployment is a year-long, 100 days is still a great milestone to hit.

Hitting 100 days means you are no longer new to the deployment. It means that you are in the “middle” of the deployment. It means that once you go another 100 days you will have gotten through most of it and homecoming should be close to being around the corner.

I look back at the last 100 days and I seriously wonder how we got here. It felt like I got here on my hands and knees. It has not been easy and I do not feel like the time has passed quickly, quite the opposite.

However, I know the next 100 days will not be as bad. They can’t be. We are already “doing” the deployment. We are more used to not having my husband home. It still hurts and some days still really really suck but there is a little bit of hope there that was not there before.

So to you reading this, if you just started your deployment, I understand. I was just there. I still remember how hard it can be. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time or if you need to one breath at a time. It might not seem like time is passing at first, but it will. It might seem like you will feel the way you do forever, but you won’t.

Where are you on your deployment journey?

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Thoughts On Syria From An Army Wife

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20121103-IMG_0275Today’s Blue Star Family post is going to be about Syria. I was asked to talk about future engagements and the possibility of military action and what it does to morale at home.

So Syria. It looks like we are probably headed to war. Over the last few days I have been trying to figure out how I feel about the whole thing. I kinda understand reasons why we should, but I also understand reasons why we shouldn’t.

I also know that a lot of the Military is worn thin. A lot of service members have been deployed over and over since 2003. Getting into another war right now is not good. This is why I think the US needs to be very sure that going to war is the right thing. If we need to go to war, we need to go to war. However, if there is any other way…

As far as how morale is. It isn’t good, especially within the deployed spouse community. There is a lot of fear. Fear that current deployments will be extended. Fear that their soldier will only be home for a couple of months before they have to deploy again. Fear that something really bad is going to happen.

I feel like I am in an interesting place. My husband is getting out in June. Unless something really odd happens, this will be his last deployment. But after almost 8 years as an Army wife, I still cringe when I think about more war and more deployments. I know what hearing about the next deployment while they are still deployed is like. It is overwhelming.

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this. I wish it was cut and dry. I wish we had been at “peace” for a few years before this crisis came up.

Military families are strong and can endure a lot but how much is too much?

If you are going through a deployment, have you checked out Everybody Serves? It is a great resource whether you are currently going through a deployment, about to start one or just finished one.

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

We Are Military Spouses

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20110508-IMG_1553My post today is for Blue Star Families. I will be answering the question, “Are Military Spouses today able to suck it up or are do we whine too much and feel we are entitled?”

I think that most Military spouses today are able to suck it up, at least for the most part. I think there is a difference between being whiney and wanting to vent. I also think it isn’t an easy thing to figure out sometimes. It can be difficult to understand your emotions. We don’t always know why we feel the way we do about certain circumstances.

Whenever Sears does their Heroes At Home (which will be tomorrow by the way) you hear the internet go wild with complaining, venting, name calling and it can get down right nasty at times. Someone can get frustrated over not getting the extra money and someone else calls them entitled. Maybe they are being entitled or maybe they are struggling and thought this would be a good thing for their family. It is so hard to judge, especially on the Internet.

I think this lifestyle can be pretty difficult and because of that a lot of venting goes on. Some people have a harder time than others. We all do what we can to support our service member. Or maybe I should say most of us do. We have all heard the stories of the wife who cheated or just gave up and went home. I think venting can cross into whininess pretty quickly. It is a fine line. One which I am sure I cross some times.

I do think we need services such as FRGs, free or reduced childcare, classes and other support systems through a deployment or even during a non-deployment period. I don’t think that makes us weak. I think it makes us smart enough to realize that we do need some help along the way. And I think those in years past who did not have everything we did are happy that we are given the extra support.

 

What do you think?

 

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

How Kids Handle Deployment

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For this week’s Blue Star Families post I will be talking about the kids and how they are handling the deployment.

We are almost two months in and as far as my kids go I think they are handling it well. There are our normal kid issues, me feeling burned out all the time and the solo parenting but I don’t see them struggling too much which is a good thing.

My almost nine year old gets sad. He also knows that I need more help and is offering it. Today he took in all of the groceries from the car and put every single one of them away. Then he went on to make himself a sandwich. Just little things like that I have never had before during a deployment. It is really nice.

My six year old has Asperger’s and he told me he doesn’t care that Ben is gone. This makes me sad but it is just how he is. He is all about Mom so even though Daddy is there for him when he is home, him being away doesn’t seem to be bothering him.

My two year old has surprised me a bit. He is such a big Daddy’s boy. He would ask when Daddy would be home when Ben was just at work during the day. I was worried he would cry everyday or something. So far he has been okay with it. If you ask him where Daddy is he will say, “he is gone” and that is all.

I know how lucky I am that my kids are doing okay with all of this. I know it can be really hard on children. Maybe it will show up later on in life or maybe not.

I also wanted to share that there are some great resources on the Everyone Serves Site that can help you during a deployment. One of these resources are some worksheets you can fill out. If you are having a rough time you might want to check out, Coping During Deployment: A Checklist.  It will give you a nice list of things to remember during a deployment. This list has really helped me out on those days where I just want to crawl into a hole until my husband comes home.

What is the best way you have found to cope during a deployment?

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

How To Conquer Deployment Sadness

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How To Conquer Deployment Sadness

It’s D day. You have to say goodbye. You drop them off. You hug and kiss for the last time. You drive away and then what? Sadness, just sadness and it can last for a while.

At least that is how it goes for me. Just a feeling of sadness. Sad that you had to say goodbye, sad that you are alone, sad that you can think of everything they are going to miss.

So how do you conquer this deployment sadness? How do you start to feel joy?

Well…we are 3.5 weeks in to this deployment and I think I have turned a corner. I don’t really feel that sadness as much. Yes, I am sad he is gone, I miss him like crazy and I still hate the fact that he is deployed but it is different than it was the first few weeks.

I knew this. I knew that as sad as I felt, it would get better and it has.

I saw a friend of mine the day after he left. She asked how I was and I said I felt like I was in some bad dream. It just didn’t feel real. It just felt sad.

Now if someone asks I can say, “I am ok, feeling a bitter better than I was.”

The first few weeks were so stressful, so painful and so exhausting. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sleeping, I was just emotionally spent. It still felt like he was here. I still had his laundry to put away. I kept thinking things like, “It was just last week we all went to the park together.” It is hard. It is like they are a ghost and they are just gone. You have to get used to that. It takes time before you get into your deployment mode and start to think that you actually can get through the next 200-300 days without your husband.

It is never going to feel normal. Never. It never will feel completely right. I can have a wonderful day, get home, put the kids to bed and then shed a couple of tears because I miss him. It isn’t going to feel 100% right again until he is home. At least that is the way it is for me.

We can have fun, we can have good days, we can go a whole week without a tear but it still will not be right until he is home.

So, how do you conquer the sadness? I don’t think there is much you can do. You can stay busy, you can journal, you can remind yourself 1,000 times that the deployment won’t last forever and that you won’t feel so horrible the whole time but the only true cure is time. You have to get through more and more days until you hit that deployment stride that will take to you the end.

It is just like when you are getting on a freeway with a really long on-ramp. You seem to be going in a circle for a while then finally you emerge on the freeway headed to your destination. That is how I feel right now. I have survived the first few weeks of yuck. Our one month mark is just around the corner. I am finally on the freeway. I still have a long way to go but at least we are finally headed at a better pace.

I really do think the first month and last month of a deployment are the worst. You just have to get through them. One day at a time or one hour at a time if you must.

Anyone else just hit this point?

Why You Don’t Put Rocks In Your Ears

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My Son stuck a rock in his earBefore this deployment started I was pretty freaked out about going it alone with the three boys. Well…looks like I was right. This deployment started out in a very crazy way and I am still wondering how we are going to make it.

Although apart of me hopes that because it started in such a way, it will only get better. One can hope.

Anyway, last week my 8-year-old went to Boy Scout day camp. He had a blast. I picked him up on Friday and took him home. I noticed he was touching his ear but didn’t think too much about it.

I went about my day. I decided I was going to make a nice meal. I had put a roast in the crock pot and even made cornbread muffins. Yum. I was looking forward to sitting down and relaxing while I ate my yummy meal. My kids will eat it too which is a plus. Well I put all the food on the table and noticed my son messing with his ear again. I asked him what was wrong and if it was hurting him. That is when he told me… HE PUT A ROCK IN HIS EAR! Say what? Really? Why? He told me it was itching him. This is the only time he would admit why he did it. Anytime anyone else asked him he said he didn’t know.

Okay…so I take a deep breath. Maybe he means a tiny little pebble about the size of sand. We always get sand in our ear at the beach, no big deal right? I will get my husband’s little flashlight and look.

Man…that is a ROCK not a little sand size grain. It was now 6:00. I had to think about to do. I didn’t want to take any chances but I knew that it would be best if we had food in our tummy. I made everyone eat and I quickly finished my meal. So much for enjoying it. I didn’t even take the time to butter my cornbread.

I called my friend J. She is amazing. I hate hate having to ask for help but I also could not see taking all three boys to the ER with me. She was able to take my other two and we headed to her house. On the way, Drew, my six-year-old told me it was really good that he was going to her house because he isn’t so good at waiting in waiting rooms. So true and glad he can recognize that about himself.

Anyway, dropped them off and headed to the ER. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had never been there before except when I had what we later found out was Bell’s Palsy and then it was called Urgent Care. It wasn’t too bad. We checked in and five minutes later they called us to one of the rooms. I was thinking it wasn’t going to be a big deal. They would just pull the rock out and we would be on our way.

Well the first guy couldn’t do it. He said they would need to use water so we would need to wait for a room.

We only had to wait 15 minutes and then they took us back. The first nurse said he didn’t even see a rock. Trust me nurse, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen the rock with my own eyes.

The doctor came in, saw the rock and tried a few different things. It really seemed like they didn’t want to try hard to get it out. While I understand this I was just getting frustrated. To me it looked simple with the right tools but the ER didn’t have any of those. They sent in another nurse to try the water. That didn’t work so they gave him some drops and told us to call ENT on Monday if it was still in there. I guess it isn’t a huge deal to have a rock in your ear for a few days as long as it really isn’t hurting you.

I made the decision to not go back to BACH but to call our regular doctor on Monday. So when I woke up Monday morning and saw that stupid rock was still there, I called and made an appointment. I thought for sure they could get it out. A few months ago they had to remove some ear wax build up and I thought this would be easy compared to that.

So Monday we went in and they tried to get it out but didn’t feel very comfortable with it either. They told me they would set up an appointment for an ENT for him. We did have to wait on Tricare. Here I am thinking he would have to live with the rock for another few days. As soon as we got home I got a call that we did get the referral and we could come into the ENT anytime.

I wanted to go ASAP because I was so over the stupid rock. We had to wait for a bit but then once the doctor came in he was able to get it out right away. It was the tool he used I am sure and probably just having more experience with things in ears. I was so relieved. We were able to keep the rock and I plan to frame it as a reminder to my son to never ever put anything in his ear and to remind myself that even though crappy things happy during a deployment, I can survive them.

So that folks is why you should never put rocks in your ears.

PS: I think if this had happened on a Thursday night and not the weekend it could have been taken care of the very next morning and would have been a lot less stressful.

 

Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

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Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face

When deployment is staring you in the face, you can’t help but think of the time your husband is going to be away. I am already thinking about my kids and how much they will change. When my husband gets back my oldest will be working his way to 10-years-old. Wow! That is a weird thought. My now 6-year-old will be 7 and in the middle of his 1st grade year. My now 2.5 year old will be getting close to 3.5 and will be a completely different child.

When thinking of the upcoming deployment I am also thinking about how the kids will react. I am sad for my oldest. He is going to take it the hardest. He will also remember this time period. My middle son, I just don’t know. My 2.5 year old is going to have a hard time but being that he is so young I don’t think it will really affect him long-term. At least I hope not. You never really know about the little ones. The ones that can’t fully tell you how they are feeling about it.

We have been through deployments before but this one feels different. It will be different because all deployments are different. This is also the deployment that wasn’t supposed to happen for us but with the Army being the Army that changed. I am still trying to get over that but it is hard.

I have been thinking about the time that he will be away and how all of us will change. When he gets back our kids will be different. I will be different. We will not be doing the same things we are doing right now. There will never be another time like right now for our family. Where my 8, 6 and 2-year-old are getting ready to enjoy the summer. Where I am working hard to further my own career from home. Where I sit at the base of a deployment shaped hill and wonder how on earth I am going to get to the other side.

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Maybe he just needs to leave. I know that statement is hard for people who have not gone through a deployment to understand. When you know they have to deploy, when there is nothing you can do to change that, you have to let it go and when you get to that point you are just ready for it to start. You want to start counting down.

When my husband went to JRTC earlier this year I had quite a few, “Oh my! How can I make it through a whole deployment if this is so hard” moments.  But then I started to think about it a little bit. Once the deployment starts and I have moments like that…the deployment will have an expiration date. It might change a few times but I will have a general idea about when it will be over. I will know it won’t last forever. Maybe that will make it a little easier than just having him away for pre-deployment training thinking about future fears.

On December 31, 2006 I stood on the balcony of my German stairwell apartment watching the fireworks with my husband. It was New Year’s Eve and I was not excited about 2007. I knew it was going to be a hard year. I had no idea how hard. My husband was home on R&R. I thought he would be gone for another five months and it ended up being 11. That is a little bit about how I feel right now. That I have something ahead of me that doesn’t look too good. Lonely nights, lonely days, missing him, missing all the little things our family does together that we won’t be able to do for a time. It isn’t fun. But it is what it is.

I know that time will pass and we will get through this deployment. I will be writing a homecoming post sometime in the future. I will get through it somehow. I know it will change me. I am not sure how.

All I can do is pray and find ways to stay busy. I am not looking at this deployment as a way to become a better person. Right now all I can do is figure out ways to survive it. Maybe that will change. Maybe one day I will wake up one morning in a few months and realize that this deployment can be more than that for me.

But for now…I am in survival mode. I just need to get through this. I just need the time to pass so our family can be whole again.

Are you also Staring The Big Fat Deployment Mountain In the Face?

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