Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Why Kids Need Routine During Deployment

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4797976206_dba047bd3c_oWhy Kids Need Routine During Deployment

On a good day, with both parents present, kids can be a handful. But what about if one parent is a service member and the other is left at home for long periods of time trying to cope on their own? What then?

When a parent gets deployed, the family has to figure out how to cope without half of the parental unit, and even day-to-day activities can become a challenge. But instilling (and sticking to) a routine can work wonders.

The Need for Sameness

Life has ups and downs, but it is so much harder to cope with the unknown when you’re a kid. Children are ill-equipped to deal with things outside of their comfort zone, like moving, a family member dying, or a parent getting deployed.

In times like these when there are very large uncertainties, repetition is key. If there are things in a kid’s day that they know happen every day, and that everyone does them, the recurrence can provide much needed stability.

If you can figure out a way to get the everyday things done, the bigger things don’t seem quite as bad. The ability to carry on is one that every human, child or not, needs.

Beauty in Repetition

Replacing some of the chaos with structure helps eliminate some of the unknown, and this can translate into better behavior. When kids know the routine, such as taking a bath after dinner, it’s easier to get them to do it. If there’s a time and a place for everything and they know this, you’ll get less resistance that it’s actually playtime and not bath time.

Power struggles aside, routines can also give kids a much-needed sense of control. For example, if it’s bath time, they can control whether they would like bubble bath or not, or which pajamas they want to wear. Allowing them to make small, inconsequential decisions can alleviate the out of control feeling, for both of you.

Don’t just schedule the chores, though. Scheduling fun things like going to the park or after-school adventures will keep the routine from being made exclusively from unpleasant things, and therefore avoiding a negative connotation.

If you schedule fun time AND chore time, your kids will learn what it’s like to look forward to something. They’re less likely to hassle you about going to the park right now if they know they’ll get to go to the park later. And they get to learn that even if you have a bad day, there’s always something they can look forward to, like family game night or going to a baseball game.

Good for You, Good for Them

Having daily and weekly routines is a win-win situation. They get the structure and stability they need so desperately, especially when a parent is deployed. And you get a sense of control and the ability to establish yourself as the sole parent, and that even though the other one is away, you’re still the boss.

Kids will also learn tenacity and how to sit down and do things that they don’t want to do, like homework. By showing them you have to do things you don’t want to as well, you can lead by example. You can even do these things together: you can all sit at the dining table and you can pay bills while the kids do their homework.

You can also schedule a little quiet time before bed to help everyone unwind. Things like putting together a puzzle or reading stories will keep them active, but not wound up or fidgety. If kids know they still have a little time to do quiet things, they might not throw such a fit before bed. Let them accomplish something before sleep, whether it’s building a Lego tower or finishing a chapter in a book.

Keeping kids in a routine will help them cope better with a parent being gone and any other unknowns that might happen while that parent is away on duty. It will also help you cope better with your partner’s absence and keep a sense of order in the house while you bravely hold down the fort waiting for your soldier, sailor, marine, airman, or Coastie to get home.

 

Adrienne May is a military spouse, a mother of three and is the featured author for the Military Spouse Central blog with an active social network of over 100,000 military spouses and family members. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her at @AdrienneMay.

When He is Away, I Miss His Jokes

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When he is away…

Army Couple

I miss his jokes.

I miss seeing him make coffee.

I miss being able to talk to him about all the silly stuff.

I miss watching movies together after the boys go to bed.

I miss him laughing at the silly stuff our boys say.

I miss the joy I feel when I come home and see he is home from work early…especially on a Friday afternoon.

I miss hogging all the covers.

I miss being able to run to Target for an hour all by myself on a Sunday afternoon.

I miss driving through a Starbucks and getting coffee together.

I miss hearing the garage door open knowing that means he must be home.

I miss asking him what he wants for dinner.

I miss going to church all together.

I miss watching the kids play together.

Whenever he is gone there is just a part of me that is never 100% okay with it, even if each day doesn’t seem too bad. Sometimes it is the little things, the everyday things that I miss the most. The memories I get from a coffee cup or a pair of shoes. It’s the daily chit-chat that seems the hardest to do without.

This time he won’t be gone too long and I have more than enough to keep me busy but it reminds me that a deployment is coming. It reminds me that before too long I will have to get used to this for months and months. That I will have to get back into deployment mode and that makes me sad. That I will not only miss all this stuff but he will also be in a dangerous place. That he won’t just be in a different state, that he will be on the other side of the world from us.

I try not to think about that. The deployment hasn’t started yet but the pre-deployment period has started and I need to accept it. I need to prepare myself for the rest of this year.

I tell myself that 9 months isn’t too long. It seems like we just got back from our California trip and that was 6 months ago. But still, it is knowing how much I will miss that makes me sad.

On the other hand, knowing that being apart will make us stronger is comforting. Knowing that at the end of it all we will have another wonderful homecoming is a nice thought. Knowing that we have been through much worse makes me feel better.

But how does one really prepare for such a long time without the person they love the most? How do you get used to the idea that you have to say goodbye?  A lot of people say that deployments don’t get any easier, and they don’t. They are all different and we are at different stages when we go through them.

I just hope and pray that this deployment isn’t too horrible. That it goes by quickly and that before we know it, he will be home with us again. Standing on this side of the deployment isn’t very fun but time moves on and no deployment lasts forever.

Are you in a pre-deployment season too?

Too Many Years of War

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On March 19th, 2003 Operation Iraqi Freedom began.  My husband and I went to downtown Santa Rosa, CA where we were living and took part in a support the troops rally. My husband was not active duty Army at this time. He didn’t re-join until the end of 2005. During this rally we saw a lot of patriotic signs. I was very much for what we were doing and supported it fully. I also supported the troops and wanted them to know that people out there stood behind them and supported them. War in Iraq

At the time I had no idea what the words, “War on Terror,” “Afghanistan” or “Iraq” would mean to my personal life. I had no idea how supporting the troops would go from holding up signs, to sending my own husband off to war. I really had no inkling that TEN years later we would be getting ready for a fourth deployment.

The war in Afghanistan started October 7, 2001. That is 11+ years ago. 11 years of war!

My husband has been to Afghanistan before, but just for a few months. His upcoming deployment he will be there for a lot longer. He has been to Iraq twice for a total of 26 months. I hope this next deployment is the last time he has to go to Afghanistan.

When I look at what has happened in Iraq and Afghanistan as a whole over the last few years it does look like we are winding down. When I think about the surge in Iraq and how that affected us, it makes this next deployment look easy. But then you never really know. My husband could be extended again for any amount of time. We really don’t know.

I want the American people to know that although things are not like they were in say 2006, we are still sending our Military to start new deployments in Afghanistan. We probably will for a while longer. We probably will always be sending someone there. And others are still being sent to Iraq. As time passes it might be easy for America to forget everything we have done over there. If it isn’t on the news 24/7, it sometimes is forgotten But our family can’t forget. That is what happens when a member of your family serves in the Military. You know first hand about war and what it is like to love someone fighting in it. And 11 years is a long time to be at war when you are a Military family.

I would love to think that we can enter a time of peace but I also know that there are other countries and parts of the world that might need our Military, even if everything settles down completely in Afghanistan. And I should expect that as long as my husband is in the Army. It is apart of his job. But that doesn’t stop me from praying for peace or hoping that things don’t get as bad as they have been the last 11 years. It doesn’t stop me from hoping that the next big fight America is in can be over quickly and without as much loss as we have had with Iraq and Afghanistan. I suppose only time will tell.

“The soldier is the Army. No army is better than its soldiers. The Soldier is also a citizen. In fact, the highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of bearing arms for one’s country”
― George S. Patton Jr.

 

 

Season of Deployment

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Soldier DayI am on my MOPS steering team this year as a table leader. This is my first year as a volunteer for MOPS and I am really looking forward to it. If you are in the Ft. Campbell area and are pregnant or have any kids 5 and under, you should come to MOPS on post 🙂 We meet every other Wednesday at the new chapel.

We are preparing for a lot more moms this year because sadly, this is going to be a big deployment year for our post. Not everyone will leave at once and most likely the last group will leave around the time the first groups get home but it is still something that is felt post wide.

I have friends who are getting ready to say goodbye to their husbands, they are working on getting all those last-minute details prepared. My husband has a possible month range but who really knows if and when he will go. Bags are being packed, wills are being taken care of an Army wives around here are making their deployment to-do lists. For some this will be there very first deployment, for others this will be # 3 or 4 or even more. It will be #4 for us when my husband leaves.

It is hard is to know that another deployment is coming and see these kind of things in the news:

7 US troops among 11 killed in helicopter crash in Afghanistan

Monthly Army suicides reach all-time high in July with 38 suspected

How can we stay calm for yet another deployment? So many of our soldiers have been through so much. Breaks don’t feel long enough.

My fellow blogger Household Diva 6 wrote an amazing post yesterday about it called War is a horrible thing! I really recommend that you read it.

This Army life…it is just really hard sometimes. It is hard to watch husbands go off to war, even if they are not your own. It is hard knowing it will be your turn soon. It is hard not knowing when he might be deployed. It is hard waiting for him to return. It is hard knowing he could be hurt or worse. It is just hard. So unbelievably hard.

If you are reading this and about to start a deployment, just know you are not alone. A lot of us have been through it and know what it is like. Do not be afraid to ask for help (which I really really struggle with) and know that people are praying for you and that deployments don’t last forever.

If you are reading this and do not have a family member in the Military, please remember to pray for our troops and their families. We need it. We really really need it.

 

Christmas when they are deployed

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Christmas when they are deployed Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Have you ever had a Christmas without your spouse? If you have ever gone through a Christmas when they are deployed it can be very difficult and lonely.

We have done it twice.  Once in 2005 (although not a deployment, he was in Germany and I was in the US waiting to join him) and once in 2008.  In 2006 we got lucky since I had a baby and they sent him home on R&R over Christmas.

Here are some ideas to help make the holiday season a little less lonely during a Christmas when they are deployed:

1) Plan to visit family or have them come visit you.  If you can’t be with your husband on Christmas morning, family might just be the next best thing. they can step in, keep you busy and allow you to have fun with others even if you are really missing your spouse.

2) If you can’t be with family or don’t want to be, make plans with friends.  This is what we did in 2008.  My parents were coming in January so it was just the boys and I for Christmas.  We had our time opening gifts at home and then we got together with my friend and her kids.  It made for a fun day.  Lots of playtime for the kids and lots of emotional support for us moms.

3) Make a fun gift package to send to your husband.  Check the dates to make sure he will get it in time.  If for some reason you can’t send him something, make him something and save it for him.  Even if he is going to get home in the Spring or Summer, he will still enjoy it. There are a lot of great ideas you can do for a cake package for Christmas when they are deployed.

Christmas picture4) Video tape the festivities.  He may not be able to be there in person but at least he can see how the day went.  Have the kids create a special video message for him too. Video tale opening the gifts. Being able to watch this can make your spouse feel closer to home during a Christmas when they are deployed.

5) Think about it. Think about the military life and how some years you will be apart for certain holidays but the next year you might not be.  Think about the holidays you have spent together.

6) Create new traditions.  Maybe you will save the stocking for later when he is home.  Who cares if it is February?  Have your Christmas a month early if he is leaving right before December.  Don’t worry about celebrating on the actual day.  As military family our lives are not normal, why do our holidays have to be?

7) Remember you are not alone.  I know it is easy to think that you are the only one without your husband during Christmas but it just isn’t true.  There are a lot of other spouses in your shoes.  Some in the military, some are apart for other reasons.  You aren’t the only one, even if it feels like it.

For more tips to get through the holidays, check out the Care.com Interview Series.  Also check out the Care.com Military Families page for a lot of great resources for Military families.

Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

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Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

I was looking through some of the keywords that people use to come to this blog and “Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?” came up a few times.  I want to tell these people that although it does seem hard, you can make it through.  The time before they leave can be really difficult.  You wonder what it will be like, if you can do this time alone, if you can parent alone if you can handle him being in a war zone, etc.  It is hard to know exactly what to expect, even if you have gone through one before.

You never really know how you are going to feel or what the deployment will be like.

Each one is a little different.

There have been times during all of our deployments that I just wondered how I would make it one more day.  I felt burned out and just done with everything. But somehow I was able to pick myself back up and get on with it.  Sometimes it was because of a lot of prayers, other times it was getting together with a friend and sometimes I would even have to give myself a pep talk.  A lot of tears might have been shed but that is how I got through the deployment.

I think we try to be strong and don’t think we can ever cry about what is going on.  We even hear people say we shouldn’t complain.  But some days you just have to break down. You just have to let everything all out before you can move on to the next day.  It is ok to have a bad deployment day, to have ice cream for dinner, to cry to a friend. This is all a part of getting through the months or even years alone. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Each of us handle this type of things differently and just because a friend never seems to have a bad day, it doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t.

So to those of you afraid for your first deployment and think you won’t be able to make it through, if you love your husband, if you are committed to him, then you will.  You will be able to make it through.  You will get through the X amount of months and come out stronger on the other side. You will. Sometimes it might feel like you are just getting through one day at a time. The days can feel long and frustrating. That is all apart of your journey. Try to remember that deployments don’t last forever and you will be reunited with your spouse once again and the whole crazy thing will be over. You will get to homecoming, I promise. You will be back in his arms and the deployment will be a part of your memories, for good or for bad.

What advice would you give to someone facing their first deployment?

 

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