Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Why You Should or Shouldn’t Move Home During a Deployment

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Should you move home during a deployment?

Your spouse has just received orders for a nine-month deployment. You have a 20-month-old and you are six weeks pregnant with your second child. You just moved to your duty station and don’t have very many friends around. What should you do? Go home? That might be a smart choice.

Sometimes spouses do go home for a deployment. They either move out of their current housing or just plan to leave it for a while. They move back in with their parents for the deployment. There are plenty of benefits to this but also some reasons why you shouldn’t.

So, why should you move home during a deployment?

  • For extra family support. If you move home, you will not be alone. You will most likely be living with other adults and they can help you and your children. They can be there for you on the harder days and help keep you busy. Being with family during deployment can make the time pass by quickly.
  • For familiarity. Being home again can feel like a comfortable blanket. You know where everything is. You know what you can do for fun and you can take your kids around to all the places you used to visit when you lived there. You can see friends you have known for a long time and it can be a great place to spend the months that your spouse is going to be away.
  • For safety reasons. Living alone can be scary, even if you live in a nice neighborhood. Staying with family can make you feel safer while your spouse is gone. You don’t have to worry about being in a home all by yourself. Being in a home with other people can take away that fear. There is enough to be afraid of during deployments that your home shouldn’t be one of those fears.

Moving home isn’t an option for everyone. Some spouses do not have family to go home to or don’t want to be with them for the deployment. Others find the military community so great of an asset that they can’t see leaving it. During our second deployment, I took my two boys and we stayed with my parents for about three months over the summer. This was mostly because I wanted a break from Germany and it helped speed up the deployment. We had a great time having fun in Southern California and it was great to spend so much time with my parents especially since we lived so far away from them.

Here is why you shouldn’t move home during a deployment:

  • Loss of military community. Unless home is in a military community too, you will lose access to it during the deployment which is the time you need it most. You won’t be able to attend FRG meetings or meet up with other spouses who are going through a deployment. You might start feeling very disconnected to the whole thing yet still feel the sadness of the deployment. This can be hard for some people.
  • Housing. Sometimes if you leave your housing for too long you can lose it. You might not be able to come back to the same home. You might have to go back on a waiting list or find a new house after he gets back from deployment. If your kids are in school you might have to take them out if you are not homeschooling. It can be tricky to uproot your kids more often than you need to.
  • Not bonding with other spouses. There is something that happens when you go through a deployment with someone else. You bond in a way that you can’t bond with other people. If you are not living in the community it will be hard for you to meet other spouses and bond with them. This might mean that you give up a great opportunity to start friendships that will last forever.

There is no one right answer to the question about if you should go home for a deployment or not. Some people do and have a great experience, others regret it. You have to decide what is best for you and your own family.

Have you gone home for a deployment? For a long visit or for the whole time? How did it work out for you?

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

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All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

15 Months

11 Months

5.5 Months

6.5 Months

= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.

This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.

WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.

Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.

He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.

He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.

He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.

His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.

To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.

I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.

I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.

There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.

As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.

You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.

Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

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What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

When a deployment first starts and you have the long stretch of days ahead of you, it might seem like you are never going to get to the end. You are sad and trying to get used to your new normal. All you want to do is stay in bed and cry away the day. But you can’t do that the whole time they are away. You have to live and you have to make plans. This is even more important if you have children. You can’t stay in your “cave” for the whole deployment.

So…you start to figure out how to do this deployment thing. You make plans and look ahead at the months he will be gone and know you will have to fill them. You will need time to pass. You need the deployment to speed up. But how?

Stay Busy

They tell you that the #1 thing you can do to get through a deployment is to stay busy and this is true. If your deployment is dragging, fill up your calendar and it will start to pick up. Even if it is something little and silly, put it on your calendar. You can include book releases, tv shows or just a trip to the park. Fill up your days so you won’t feel so alone and so that time passes and you can have some fun even if you still miss your spouse while you are having it. If you can, plan a trip. Go see a part of the country you have never been before, visit your parents, take a trip to the beach.

Work on projects

Projects are really going to help you speed up your deployment. Think about house projects, did you want to paint your bedroom? Make plans to do it. Want to catch up on your scrapbooks? Go ahead. Want to write a book? Maybe now is the time to do it. Think about all the things on your to-do list and get started on them. We always seem to have extra time during deployments and it is best to fill it with things that you want to do. Projects can allow you to get focused on something else and it is always a good feeling to finish something that you have always wanted to start.

Get together with friends

If you can plan to get together with friends during your deployment, time is going to go by a lot faster. Plan playdates, nights out, dinners together and even holidays. Plan for walks, start a book club and get your kids together. Find others that are missing their spouses and celebrate getting through the stages of deployment. Have a 100 days party and then get together to make homecoming signs when you know they are coming home. Stick together and know you have each other. The military members have battle buddies and the spouses need them to. They are the best way to get through a deployment, especially a long one.

If you feel stuck, feel like time is just not moving, take some time to make some plans. There is a lot you can to do to speed up the deployment. If you focus on other things, time will speed up, I promise. You will be glad you spent the deployment actually doing something instead of staying home and being sad the whole time.

Some people worry about having too much fun when their spouse has to be in a war zone. That can be hard to let go of but the truth is, it’s okay to have fun when they are gone. They should understand. They should know that you have to get through the deployment in whatever way that you can. If they don’t understand this and expect you to stay home the whole time, you need to have a talk. It isn’t fair to you and it wouldn’t be a good way to get through a deployment.

What have you done to speed up a long deployment that didn’t seem like it was going to end???

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Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

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Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment!

Deployment! I know I talk about deployment quite a bit on this blog. Deployments have been such a part of my life for so long, I have a lot to share. As time goes by, I get further away from my deployments but they still will always stick with me.

I have been thinking about what I would need if I was a new Military spouse getting ready for her first deployment. I know I would need encouragement, I would need to know it was going to be okay, and I think some sort of guide would help.

Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead. A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.

So here we go…

Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.

Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.

Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.

Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.

Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.

Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.

Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.

Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.

Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.

Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all his favorite items in there.

Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint and get started.

Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people.

Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.

Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.

Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.

Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.

Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.

Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.

Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.

Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.

Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?

Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.

Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.

Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.

Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.

Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal.

Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that man more than anyone else.

Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.

Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.

Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC.

Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. Doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.

Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.

Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!

Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

5 Ways Deployments Changed Me For The Better

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5 Ways Deployments Changed Me For The Better

Deployments! My husband has been home from his last deployment for about 18 months now. He got back a little before Christmas of 2013. It was his 4th deployment and it was a very difficult one for me. I am not sure if it was because I carried the weight of the other three, if I knew it was probably going to be his last one or if I never thought he would actually be going until two weeks before. It was stressful , but somehow I made it through those 6 months and came out the other side.

I have 4 deployments in my past and they will always stay with me. The good times, the bad times, soldiers lost, new friends found, finding the good in them, trying to handle the bad. I was forever changed by the years my husband was at war. I am a different person because of them. They are my past and will always impact my future. They have changed the way I parent, how I make friends and have clouded choices I make in the future.

Looking back I tend to cringe when I remember all the bad. The hard nights, the sad nights, the rough days, the breakdowns and all of that. But if I really look into it, I know I have learned and grown as a person because of them. I know that in some ways, deployments changed me for the better.

Independence

As much as I hate having to take care of the house when my husband is gone, as much as I hate having to be the only one making certain decisions, it has made me into a more independent person. I have had to become one. I had no other choice. This isn’t to say I never feel like I need my husband because I do, just that I know I can do things on my own if I need to. It is a little freeing. And a little scary.

Keeping Busy

Through all the days I spent without my husband home, I have learned how to stay busy. I feel like I work hard to create a balance of just enough busyness not to drive myself crazy. I can find stuff for us to do, I can make plans to fill the calendar. I am never ever bored because I always keep going. I can’t just not make any plans because that means we will start to get too lonely and I can’t stand that feeling.

I know how people get through impossible things

If I hear about someone losing a child, losing a home, losing a marriage…I never tell them I could never go through what they are going through. Why? Because although I have never been through those types of tragedies, I know that when you are in a very hard and impossible situation, you do what you have to do to get through it. You cry, you vent, you pray and you make your way to the next day. You get through it because you have it. You have no choice.

I can sympathize with others

If I hear someone else is getting ready to send their spouse off to war, I can totally sympathize with that. I can be a listening ear, someone to talk to about it, I truly understand how hard it can be to say goodbye. I get it and I can help someone else get through it. I have experienced different types of deployments too. I have been through long ones and short ones. Scary ones and more mild ones. I get it and I can offer support to others who might need it.

I am not going to take my husband for granted

I am not going to wish him away. I am going to enjoy the moments together. I will remember how hard it was to live without him. To spend over a year without him in our home. I am going to try hard to always remember that. It isn’t always easy. When my husband went away for his two-week training with the Guard, it felt impossible. I really had to give myself a talking to. I have gone so much longer without talking to him, I should be able to handle this.

What about you? What have deployments changed about you???

What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment

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What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment

We all know that there are positives to every deployment. We also know how hard they can be and how badly you might miss your spouse when they are away. Sometimes it is just the little everyday things that you miss the most.

This is my list of what I missed the most when he was gone on a deployment…

* Being with me when the boys have activities like soccer practice/games.  I video tape but still…not the same!

* My weekend “break”- When my husband is home I am able to get out for a few hours all by myself.  Even if it is a 15 minute run to the store.

* Sundays after church- I just want to go out to lunch with my husband, I miss that when he is not home.

* Sundays at church- I miss sitting by him & holding hands during the service. It is just not the same sitting there with just the kids or even by myself.

* Having someone to bounce little ideas/questions off of.  I like hearing his opinion about life and whatever might be on my mind. I can also ask him if I am just being crazy about something or just his thought on the subject.

* Watching a movie with him.  I end up watching more movies when he is gone but I love it when we can watch them together. And then talk about how weird or silly they were.

* Hearing his opinion on shows like the Bachelor or Army Wives.  He just cracks me up with his thoughts.  I always miss that humor.

* His jokes.  My husband is a very silly man and always trying to make a joke.   Even if they are pretty corny, I miss them when he is not around. I find myself craving his jokes because they are very much a part of who he is.

Distance is hard, and missing the day-to-day can really get to you. On the other hand, it can really make you appreciate your time together even more. When he is home, you can be thankful for all those little moments that you have together. I know that since my husband joined the Army in 2005, I have been able to really appreciate all the little things when he is home.

 What would you add to this list? What do you miss the most during a deployment???

 

 

 

 

Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget

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Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget

So your husband is gone. You no longer have him to help with your kids. No more easy trips to the store to pick up a few things, no more ladies nights, you pretty much have to bring your kids everywhere you need to go.

You can get a babysitter which is nice, but using one often can add up. I know here in Tennessee you will end up paying close to $10/hour for a good sitter. So what do you do when you just can’t afford that but need to have some time for yourself? How do you handle life when you need that break but it feels like that $10/hour is way out of your budget?

This is how I have done c without having to spend a lot of money.

  • Trade with a friend. Find someone you trust with your kids and trade-off on babysitting. Neither one of you has to pay a dime. You can do it weekly or monthly or as often as you would like. During one of our deployments my friend and I took turns watching each other kids while we went grocery shopping. It was so nice to be able to do it alone and not have to take my kids with me. We even took turns to go to church on Easter Sunday.
  • Take advantage of hourly care. Most duty stations will have a CDC hourly care for you to use. You will just need to sign your kids up at your local CYSS. You will renew yearly from then on. When we were in Germany we were given 16 hours of free care during the deployment. Here at Ft. Campbell we were able to get half-price hourly care which is $2.00 an hour. Not a bad deal at all and they feed them breakfast and lunch if they are there at meal times. I started using hourly care when my oldest was about 20 months old and I was pregnant and I knew I would need something as my husband was getting ready to deploy.
  • Take advantage of Parent’s Night Out and Super Saturdays. At each post we have been stationed at they have had Super Saturdays for us to use during the deployment and a few months after he got home. We drop the kids off at 9am and pick them up by 5pm. This was so nice when my husband was gone. I was able to meet friends and shop or just take some time to myself. It definitely made the weekend go by a lot faster. Now that he is home and we can still use it for a bit we are having a great time with spending the day together. Other places in town such as a local church or the YMCA might have Parent’s Night out for you to use. See what is available in your area. You might be surprised at what you can find.

 

How have you been able to find Childcare During Deployments When You Are On A Budget?

Should You Live On Post During A Deployment?

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20110129-IMG_9646-2One question a lot of people have is if it is better to live on post during a deployment or not. Most Military families know that a deployment or even a time of separation is in their future. They have to ask themselves what would be best.

I think that question is a hard one to answer. For some, on post living is best. For others, it is a different story.

Here are a few things to think about when it comes to living on or off post during a deployment-

  • When you live on post, you have better access to what the post offers. This really depends on what your own duty station offers and what the city you would be living in offers. For us here at Ft. Campbell, there is a lot to do on post. Since we live off and I didn’t want to drive to post everyday, it was not as easy as it is for those that live there. We don’t do as much just because it is harder to put in the schedule. During a deployment you should be able to received some free or low-cost items for your kids. Here we only have to pay $2/hour for hourly care and each child gets money towards SKIES programs. Being on post can help you take advantage of these benefits a little easier.
  • Where do the majority of your friends live? For our first two deployments we were either on post or in Government leased housing. We were surrounded by Military which meant that a lot of my friends lived right by me and they too were going through deployments. We were all dealing with it together. This made it a lot easier to get together and we could see each other almost daily without too much trouble. We could make last-minute plans and it wasn’t a huge deal. For our 3rd and 4th deployments we lived off post away from others who were going through deployments. I could tell the difference. On the flip side if you have some really amazing neighbors, they might be able to really help you out when your spouse is gone. It just depends on where you live and who you live by.
  • It might be best for your to live off post during a deployment if you like your own space.  If your spouse is deployed, you might not even need to go on post very often. Some people need that break from the daily Military life. If you own your own home you might enjoy working on your house while your spouse is gone. You have a lot more freedom then you do on post. If your servicemember is planning to ETS right after the deployment, you might even decide to take the kids and move to where you plan to live after the Military.

I know for myself that if I was going to have to do it over again, I would most likely want to be on post for a deployment. I think it makes it a little easier for everyone. I would have better access to the activities and people that would help be get through the deployment.

What do you think based on your own experiences?

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