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deployments

5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

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5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

As I look back at the last 11 years of military life, the hardest days have been the days I have had to say goodbye to my husband. To give him one more hug, one more kiss and hope and pray he would return to us. To watch him as he said goodbye to our children, knowing that they will be in different stages when he returns. Not knowing how hard this might be on them or if they will struggle as much as I think they might.

Saying goodbye is never easy.

5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

Saying goodbye to your husband as he goes off to war is one of the hardest things you will have to do as a military spouse.

Our goodbyes have been different depending on the deployment and the situation. Some we have stayed around for a while and waited until we saw him leave. Others we have dropped him off and drove away before he got on the bus. I learned after the first deployment that leaving earlier was easier on all of us.

If you are getting ready to have to say goodbye to your spouse for a deployment or other reason, here are some ideas to help get through that day:

1. Do your goodbye your way. Different people handle the goodbyes in different ways. Your spouse might have a certain way he wants to say goodbye, you might have a certain way you want to say goodbye. Take some time to talk things over and figure out what works best for your family.

2. Cry if you need to. If you need to cry, do so. I believe for some of us crying is getting the sadness out and it is a step we have to take to get to where we can accept what is going on. I have said goodbye to my husband and cried in the car and I have said goodbye and no tears came until I got home. It just depended on my mood. It’s okay to cry if you need to. Deployments are sad. Tears might come.

3. Plan the first few days. If you can figure out exactly what you are going to do after you say your goodbyes, it will be an easier start to the deployment. You might want to plan to rent a movie and order pizza, you might want to get together with friends, you might just want to go to bed early and call it a night. Make a plan and then you will have some direction once you leave the drop off location.

4. Call a friend. Or not. Some people want to talk to others as soon as they have said goodbye, others want some alone time. Think about what would work best for you. If you feel the need, call a friend or family member. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t feel like you have to. Take the time to get used to your new normal and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not calling them as soon as your spouse has left. If you need to notify family, send out a group text or message. Let them know you will be up for chatting in a few days. Most people will respect that.

5. Remember, goodbye means the countdown can begin. Waiting for a deployment to start is so rough. Once they actually leave, the countdown can begin. Each day you mark off your calendar is one day closer to them being home. As you say your goodbyes, remember that the deployment or time away is just a short period of time in the scheme of things. Time will pass and they will be back with you again.

If you are in a place where you will be saying goodbye soon, I am not going to lie, doing this will probably be one of the hardest things you will have to do. Know that you are not alone in what you are going through and that a lot of other military spouses around you are feeling the same way.

What do you do to get through the goodbyes of military life? How do you handle saying goodbye to your spouse over and over again?

23 Memes That Explain What Going Through A Deployment is Really Like

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23 Memes That Explain What Going Through A Deployment is Really Like

23 Memes That Explain What Going Through A Deployment is Really Like

Deployments come, deployments go.

Through having to say goodbye, to the long and lonely nights, to planning for that homecoming day.

What better way to explain how a deployment really is then a meme…

Military Deployment Memes

Saying goodbye is never easy and you never truly get used to doing so. Saying goodbye is a part of military life and deployments will happen often. 

military deployment memes

A deployment is a big lemon in your life. Now go find some limes and make a margarita 🙂

military deployment memes

They truly do. The day the deployment ends and you have your spouse back in your arms again.

 

Military Deployment Memes

You really don’t. When you are together, you will truly appreciate the time you have with one another. 

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Anyone who has been through a deployment has felt the deployment ache. It’s not a good feeling but the ache comes with being away from the person you love.

 

Military Deployment Memes

During my deployments, knowing that this was just a difficult time for us and that everyone has difficult times made the time apart a little easier. 

Military Deployment Memes

The weekends are so different depending on if they are home or not. 

Military Deployment Memes

You can’t talk about deployment without talking about OPSEC. Know what OPSEC and PERSEC are. You don’t want to be the reason a flight gets delayed or something else that could harm someone in the military. 

Military Deployment Memes

As you go through your deployment, you will notice that you will go through different stages. Here are the 4 stages that I usually went through. 

Military Deployment Memes

Yep! Deployments can make or break you. They will bring you down but that doesn’t mean you can’t get back up. And they will make you a stronger person through it all. 

Military Deployment Memes

Your friends might all handle separations differently. That’s okay. We are all on our own journey. We might handle deployments in a different way. Never judge someone because of that. 

Military Deployment Memes

Yes! Cereal for dinner is totally fine. Early bedtimes are a must! 

Military Deployment Memes

Exactly! There has to be trust! Has to be! 

Military Deployment Memes

One good thing about deployments is they make you feel like you are dating again. As you wait for your spouse to return home, you can’t help but get a little nervous and giddy.

Military Deployment Memes

I don’t think we are special. I think this life has made us have to become stronger people. And that is a good thing. 

Military Deployment Memes

I have been through long deployments, I have been through short deployments. None of them are easy and time away is time away. 

Military Deployment Memes

You can’t bring me down deployment. Even though you are trying…

Military Deployment Memes

The dates change all the time. And waiting for them is hard. 

Military Deployment Memes

Yep! Sounds like a typical night during a deployment.

Military Deployment Memes

On deployments, you will have good days and bad days. Days where you feel you got this and days when you don’t. 

Military Deployment Memes

There is a lot you can do to get you to a place of peace, even during a deployment.

Military Deployment Memes

It’s hard when it seems like the military is taking so much of your spouse’s time, it is even worse during deployments. Just remember, you are first in their heart.

Military Deployment MemesAnd at the end of it all, you just want that homecoming day. You wait and you wait. And finally one day you get it. And although dates might change, the end is in site and the deployment will be over soon.

Are you going through a deployment right now?

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year

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I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.

However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.

Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.

He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.

The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.

This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?

How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?

1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.

You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.

2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.

In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.

3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.

However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.

Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.

4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.

If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.

Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.

Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

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What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

 

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?

 

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

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The Father Who Has Missed So Much

“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.

“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”

This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.

He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.

My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.

We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.

13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.

One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.

He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.

When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.

You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.

This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.

That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.

These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.

Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.

My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.