Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouses

Why Military Spouses Don’t Ask For Help

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Why We Struggle To Ask For Help

“Just let us know if you need anything.”

As a Military spouse, I have heard this phrase from many different people. It is a great thing to hear. When you hear people say that, you now know you have someone to call if you need to. Knowing people want to help is a good feeling.

But here is the thing…

Why Military Spouses Don't Ask For Help

Most Military spouses don’t ask for help, even if we could use it.

We want to be able to take care of the home, the kids, the money, the yard, and everything that comes up all by ourselves. We will never let that person know if we do need something if we feel we can kinda handle the task ourselves. There is just something hard about asking for something specific.

It is hard to say, “Hey, I need someone to mow my lawn because I just can’t seem to do it right,” or “Would you mind watching my kids while I take myself out to dinner? I really need a break,” or “I need someone to fix my fence. It is broken and I can’t afford to pay someone to do it.”

The list can go on and on. We feel like by asking for specific things we are asking too much. Or maybe it is because we don’t really believe the person telling us to ask. We might just assume they are just saying that and don’t really expect us to call.

I will admit. I hate asking for help. I try to do it myself first. I will always try to do it myself first.

When my husband was deployed the last time I had to mow the lawn all summer long. This was hard and every time I did it I would burst into tears when I was done. For some reason, mowing the lawn was emotionally hard for me. At the end of the mowing season, I hired a company to come out and do my lawn because I couldn’t imagine asking anyone to help with that.

My friends and neighbors had their own lawn to mow, right? And the last time I had asked someone was when I was going out of town for the summer and they didn’t end up doing it. So I would never ask. I would do it myself or I would hire someone to do it for me.

There have been a few times when I HAD to ask for help. There was no other option. In those times I was thankful that I had people to ask. Asking for help is a hard thing to do. To admit you do need help and to actually ask for it.

We want to be brave. We want to be strong. We do not want to be seen as weak.

But what I have learned during my years as a military spouse is that some people want to help, they really really do. They don’t know how to help you unless you tell them. I have seen people willing to cut our grass or help with the lawn. To bring us fans when our air went out. To offer a shoulder to cry on when I just didn’t think I could make it another day.

We are brave and we are strong but we are not superhuman and sometimes we do need extra help. We are doing the work of two people. It would be impossible to get everything right all of the time.

I tell myself over and over, it’s okay to ask for help. Especially when I am trying to balance everything in life with a husband who isn’t at home to help. But I hope that in the future I can be more willing to ask, because that can take things off of my plate and make for a little bit of an easier time.

Do you struggle with asking for help? Why do you think Military spouses struggle with this???

Going Beyond OPSEC: Deployments in a Social Media World

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Social media can be great, but we need to be aware of something very important.

Going Beyond OPSEC: Deployments in a Social Media World

During our first deployment, we were all about Myspace. After spending time with friends, we would go home, put the kids to bed, upload our photos from the day and update our music list. 

These days, we are all about Facebook, Instagram, and even TikTok. 

Social media can be good for connecting with local friends, finding out information about FRG events, and sharing photos with our friends and family back home. We also can connect with our spouses on there through messenger or just respond to their statuses. I could always tell when my husband was really missing us back home because he would share a lot of our photos on his friend list.

Social media can be great, but we need to be aware of something very important.

There are certain topics we should not be posting about. Certain topics we need to wait on posting. We need to educate ourselves so that we are not breaking any OPSEC rules or getting anyone in trouble.

This not only refers to a “public” Facebook post but any Facebook post. Whether you are just sharing the info with your closest friends or in a Facebook group. We need to be aware of what is allowed and what isn’t.

When you first become a military spouse you might not know what is okay and what isn’t. You might get confused because you see certain things in the news or being posted by others and you are not sure why they can post those things and you can’t. You might get lost in all the details and can’t totally remember what is okay and what isn’t.

Never Exact Dates and Locations

The main thing to keep in mind is never ever post exact dates or exact locations. Never say when your spouse is supposed to come home. Never say where they are and it might even be a good idea to just stick with the general, “they are overseas” or “they are deployed.”

Some even say things like, “the place they go for a while” or “away on “business.” Some military spouses keep the whole deployment off social media altogether. You don’t have to do that but you do have to be smart about how you talk about the deployment.

Talking About Injuries or KIA

If someone in your spouse’s Company or Unit is KIA or injured you might be notified about it directly. If not, eventually, the news will make its way down the grapevine and you will hear what happened. DO NOT POST THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. At least not right away. There could be family members that have not heard the news.

There was a spouse who ended up hearing about her husband on social media because people posted about it. Can you even imagine? While the military will notify the family members ASAP, sometimes other people hear the news before they do and if you happen to hear too and share that news, doing so could end up ruining someone else’s life. The best rule of thumb is to wait until you hear from the family on social media or hear it being announced more publically.

Never What They Are Doing

I am a military spouse who doesn’t need to know the exact thing that her husband is doing when he is deployed or even away on training. I always have a general idea of what he does but I don’t need it broken down until after he gets home. If you do find out about what your spouse is doing, never share that on Facebook or other social media.

If that news gets out, it could ruin the mission. You never know who is watching, you never know who could take that information and use it against the US military. Keep that information to yourself. You should also never post about when your spouse is going to be moving to another base. This happens a lot and is pretty normal for a deployment so try not to get anxious about it either.

If You Are Not Sure

If you are not sure if what you want to post falls under OPSEC or PERSEC or is perfectly fine to post, feel free to ask someone who has been a military spouse for a while or simply not say that info publically. I know how excited we can get when our spouses are coming home or when we know when that day is going to be but we can’t share that information on social media.

A good rule is to only post things after the fact. Keep that information to yourself and then go nuts telling your Facebook friends all about your homecoming after your spouse is back home with you. That way you are not endangering the mission, causing a delay on homecoming, or leaking out information you shouldn’t be sharing with anyone. 

Do you ever get confused about OPSEC?

What Military Spouses Want Their Friends to Know

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What Military Spouses Want Their Friends to Know

I saw them every day. I went to school with them. Military kids.

I remember driving on base to pick up a friend. I think the gate guards had to call her house to get their okay to let us in. This was pre-9/11 of course.

I remember hearing about how my friend’s dad always had to be away. I didn’t understand what that would be like. My dad was always home.

I remember my co-worker, sending letters to her military husband she had married over leave. How did she do that? How did she have a husband who lived half a world away? I remember her, “Half my heart is in Afghanistan” sticker on her car.

I was complaining to my mom about having to move yet again in my college years. She told me to think of all those military wives that had to pack up their children and keep moving every few years.

And then, in 2005…I became a part of this world. This military lifestyle that I had only seen glimpses of in my civilian years. A life that I didn’t even really know much about, even if I had seen a few Mel Gibson war movies. A life that has surprised me in many different ways.

Now I am on the other side. Later this year I will hit 15 years as a military spouse. There are so many things I want my non-military spouse friends to know. I want them to understand how things can be for us and what living as a military spouse is all about.

We know we are not the only ones who miss our spouses

As much as we miss our spouses, as much as how that part of military life is hard for us, we are aware that other spouses go through separations too. We know about truck drivers and police officers and firefighters and surgeons and contractors.

We know we are not the only ones missing the ones that we love. We might not be in a good place to hear about how badly someone is missing a spouse who is only gone for a week but even then, we can understand that when you are not used to being apart, it can be difficult. Talking about our military life struggles doesn’t mean we think we are the only ones going through this type of hardship.

Some of us do remember are pre-military spouse years

Unless you became a military spouse the day you got married, you will have lived as a civilian before military life started. You remember what it is like. You can compare the before and after.

People have said that military spouse life is the same as any other. I call BS on this. I remember what it was like before the Army.

These days, my life looks different than it did pre-Army, but also different than it did when my husband was active duty. There is a big difference between the two. It isn’t that one type of life is better than any other, but they are different, and saying they are the same does a disservice to both types of lifestyles.

Our marriages are not doomed

It’s way too easy to look at the hardships that military families go through and think that all of our marriages are doomed. This is not true. Sometimes the hardships make for stronger marriages.

Sometimes life outside the military is a reason couples break up. Sometimes people change. Sometimes this is because of the military.

We get jealous

It’s true. I am not going to lie. I have been jealous of non-military families. Of not having to send anyone to war. Of not having friends move away all the time.

I think this is natural. It’s what you do with your jealousy that matters. I can choose to be bitter about it, or I can try to work through it and not let it run my life.

Army wives is not reality

So many people ask if Army Wives the tv show is just like our life. No. It’s a TV show.

There are some truths to the show. There are some realities they got right but for the most part, especially after the first season, things do not seem like real life to me.

We are a diverse bunch

There are so many diverse military families and so many types of people who make up the military world. Some are pretty conservative, some are pretty liberal. Some are from a small town, some are from a big city.

Some have a lot of children, some have no children with no plans to add any in the future. The military world is such a mix of different people. There is not just one way to be a military spouse.

We will miss this life when it is over, even if we couldn’t wait to be civilians again

When it comes to getting out of the military, some of us are really excited about that. However, that doesn’t mean getting out is going to be easy.

We will miss parts of military life. We will sometimes wish we never had to leave. The post ETSing process can be very emotional.

We know you can’t fully understand and that is okay

We know that no matter how many times we explain about our lives, how many blog posts we write, you will never fully understand. And that is okay.

We can’t expect you to, just like we can’t totally understand any of the struggles you are going through that we haven’t experienced. That is life. And that’s okay.

We are thankful

When we know our civilian friends support us, we are thankful. We are thankful for any messages they give. We know they are looking at our lives from the outside but we are so thankful when we know people care and acknowledge what we are going through.

Even if we do get frustrated by certain comments, we know deep down they come from a place of thankfulness and we really appreciate that.

What would you add to this list? What do you want your civilian friends to know about military life?

When You PCS and Have To Leave Your Job

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When You PCS and Have To Leave Your Job

This is a sponsored post for T-Mobile with Sofluential Media!

Things are going great for you. You love your job, your kids are in a good school, and life feels right where it needs to be. But then, your spouse comes home from work one day with the news, you guys are PCSing to the other side of the country. And you leave in four months.

You panic. You can’t help it. What will you do? What about your job? What about your career?

If you have ever been in this situation, you know how stressful it can be. When you work hard on your own career, a PCS can take all that away. But it doesn’t have to. Here are a few things you can do that can help:

Breathe and come up with a game plan

I know it isn’t easy to do, but don’t panic. Remember, you are not the only military spouse to deal with this. You also need a game plane. Figure out what jobs are available where you are moving and what you might want to do. Some spouses take a PCS as a time to change things up. They might decide to go back to school, or even change their career path. Create a list of steps you need to take to go from your job at your current duty station to a job at a new one. That will help keep you calm and allow you to see exactly what steps you need to take.

See if you can take your job with you

This won’t work for every job, but see if you can take your career with you. These days, more and more companies are allowing their employees to work from home. You want to see if this is even an option before you quit your job. Even if it hasn’t been done before, your employer might be up for giving you a chance to do so.

Keep your resume updated

Make sure your resume is updated and then you will be ready to apply for jobs when the time comes. If you have been at your job for a while, your resume could be vey out-of-date. Work on getting that sorted out and you will be more ready to start your job search in your new city.

Look for companies that support the military and military spouses

There are companies out there that go out of their way to support the military and military spouses when it comes to employment. T-Mobile is one of these companies. The fact of the matter is that Veterans and military spouses face significant challenges when it comes to employment. Overall, veteran unemployment rates now hover around the national average, but nearly 53% of the US military experience some period of unemployment within 15 months after leaving the military, according to the Department of Veterans Affairs. The military spouse unemployment rate is at least 4x the national average. This is of course due to having to move around, and not being able to grow their careers like their civilian counterparts are able to do.

Here is what T-Mobile does for the military community when it comes to career support and hiring veterans and military spouses.

●  T-Mobile knows that veterans and military spouses do make a significant contribution to their workforce, and so they are committed to hiring 10,000 veterans and their spouses by 2023.

●  T-Mobile also wants all veterans to be able to land their dream jobs after serving their country. That is why they have an ongoing partnership with FourBlock to help with the transition from military to civilian workforce – and even helped launch an online course so everyone can take advantage!

●   When a military spouse employee in one of T-Mobile’s retail stores has to move because of the military, they have a formal process in their to request a transfer to another retail store within 50 miles of their new location. They do their best to make it happen every time.

●  T-Mobile has an employee network group, the Veterans and Allies Network, that is specific to supporting and advocating for the military and their families. People can share stories across the company, and the network provides feedback on how to make T-Mobile the best place to work for veterans, military and their families.

If you are looking for a new company to work for, T-Mobile can be the right one. As a military spouse, you want to look for companies that do support the military and military spouses. As you can see, T-Mobile definitely fits that description.

5 Tips For Using Your TRICARE Benefit Breast Pump

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5 Tips For Using Your TRICARE Benefit Breast Pump


5 Tips For Using Your TRICARE Benefit Breast Pump

This post is sponsored by the Breastfeeding Shop!

If you are pregnant or have a new baby, you could be getting ready to purchase or find your breast pump. Having a breast pump can be a good idea for a variety of reasons. Breast pumps are useful for encouraging your milk supply, to allow you to continue to breastfeed when you go back to work, and to help you store milk if you do need to be away from your baby for any reason.

Here are five tips for using your breast pump so you can get the most out of what the pump can provide for you and your baby. 

  • Have a nice set up area for your breast pump

Find a good place in your home where you will set up your breast pump. You can keep everything you need in that spot, and make sure the area gives you the space you need to pump. Once your baby comes, you will always have a place to go to pump or nurse your baby. 

  • Order your breast pump early

Make sure you order your breast pump early so that it is ready for when your baby comes. The Breastfeeding Shop is the best place to do so in order to receive your no-cost breast pump through your TRICARE benefit. You can easily fill out their order form, all you need is a prescription from your doctor. You can also use their handy app to order as well. The Breastfeeding Shop has quite a variety of breast pumps to choose from.

  • Find the right breast pump for your needs

When you are picking out your breast pump, make sure to find the one that works the best for your needs. Some moms will be returning to a job outside the home and will need to use a pump every day. Others will only be using their pumps when they need to make extra milk or to build up their supply. Research the different breast pumps to find the one that will work best. 

  • Learn how to use the breast pump before your baby comes

Once you get your breast pump, make sure you know how to use the pump before the baby comes. Get the parts and accessories cleaned and ready. This will save you time during those newborn and early baby days. 

  • Make sure you have supplies and accessories

In additions to breast pumps, you are also entitled to breast pump accessories through your TRICARE benefit. You will want to start out with enough of them and then plan to order more as need be. There are limits on what you can receive with your TRICARE benefit and you can order them from the Breastfeeding Shop too. 

If you are pregnant or just had a baby and have TRICARE, make sure you order your breast pump. The Breastfeeding Shop can get you started.

7 Things You Don’t Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

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7 Things You Don’t Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

Does it feel like every other military spouse you know is doing something that you have no desire to do? Do you ever feel lost in a sea of other spouses? Sometimes we can get stuck thinking something is wrong with us if we are not military spousing like other people are. But the truth is, we should military spouse the way that works best for us, not everyone else. You be you.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

Here are seven things you don’t have to do even if other military spouses are doing them:

1. Shop at the Commissary and PX/BX on a regular basis

When we lived in Germany, shopping at the Commissary and PX was a must if we wanted anything American. In the states, things are a little different. Unless your duty station is in the middle of nowhere, there are a lot of other stores in your city to get the same type of things you can find at the Commissary and PX/BX. You don’t have to shop at these places if other stores work better for you.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

2. Drink wine

While it might seem like every other military spouse out there is drinking wine on a regular basis, I assure you they are not. Some spouses don’t drink at all. Some only do when they go out with their friends. “Drinking wine” has turned into a phrase that simply means, “letting loose and trying to relax.”

3. Live on post/base

We have lived on post, in government leased housing, and off post/base in our own home. If my husband was active duty, I think I would want to try living on post again. There are so many pros and cons to each decision based on where you are and what you want for your family. If on post/base doesn’t work for you, living off can be the right choice.

4. Be a SAHM

One of the stereotypes about military spouses is that they don’t work. But in real life, the military spouse world is made up of SAHMs, WAHMs, moms who work outside the home, and moms who also serve. While there are a lot of SAHMs in the military world, there are plenty of spouses who are working in a career or going to school to do so. And if you do want to be a SAHM, that is good too. There are so many reasons, and even seasons when being a SAHM is what makes sense for your family.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

5. Send a lot of care packages

Care packages are a lot of fun and can be an excellent way to connect with your spouse overseas, but if they are not something that works for you and your spouse, don’t feel like you have to do them. For my husband, I usually would send him a care package when he would ask for something specific verses on a regular basis. If you are the type, who loves to send care packages, have fun and enjoy making them.

6. Hate the military

Sometimes I hate the military. Sometimes I love the military. It just depends on the day. If you don’t hate the military, that is okay. Not everyone does. And whether you hate the military or not might just depend on the year.

7. Hate your duty station

There are some duty stations that are more popular than others. Sometimes hating these not so popular places is the thing to do. You find out you are going there and everyone tells you how awful that place is. However, some people love unpopular duty stations. Maybe they just bloom where they are stationed; maybe the place just fits their personality. Whatever the reason, if you like your duty station, that is fine. Don’t let negative talk about the place get to you.

What would you add to this list?

14 Tips to Help You Survive Basic Training When Your Spouse Joins the Military

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14 Tips to Help You Survive Basic Training When Your Spouse Joins the Military

My husband went to basic training when I was in high school. I didn’t know him then, and when he did re-join the Army at age 30, he didn’t have to go back and do BCT again. He went straight on to his first duty station.

Having not been with my husband during his time in basic, I don’t have any personal experience with the topic so I asked some military spouses what their top advice would be about surviving basic training as the military spouse.

Basic training, boot camp, BCT or recruit training is the first step in your spouse’s military career. This will be where they will get in shape, learn how their branch of the military works, and get used to the military culture. It will be very challenging for them and last between 8-12 weeks depending on the branch.

As a spouse, this will be the first time you will be away from one another because of the military, the first time you had to be a solo parent if you have children, and one of the hardest parts of starting military life.

Here are some tips to help you through the basic training period of military life:

1. Write to them

Write to them every day, talk about what you did, encourage them, and remind them how much you love them. Keep things simple and abide by the rules of what you can send. Even before you get an address from them, still write, you can always mail the letters later. Sometimes the letters home are just what they need to find the encouragement to make it through

2. Stay busy

Staying busy is so important. Take classes, go out with friends, read books, take up running, find something fun that keeps you busy. The busier you are, the faster the time will go.

3. Be patient

You are going to need a lot of patience to survive basic training. You will have to wait for them to write to you, you will have to wait for family day, you will have to wait until they graduate. The good news is, waiting is such a part of military life so you can start to develop how you will get through the future times apart that you know the military will bring.

4. Don’t count on a phone call

Don’t rely on getting a phone call. Assuming you won’t get a call and receiving one would be better than hoping for one and never getting it.

5. Keep your phone close

Even though you might not get many calls or might have to wait a long time for them, keep your phone close. You won’t want to miss a call that might come through.

6. Celebrate the little things

Celebrate all the small things that happen while they are gone. Enjoy life, and even the small things are worth being excited about.

7. Be supportive, even when it’s hard

Be as supportive as you can. Some days this might be tough. You might feel like all you want to do is scream and yell that he ever joined the military in the first place. Stay strong and keep encouraging your spouse as much as you can.

8. Send photos

Once you get the okay to send photos, do so. Your spouse will love to see them. If you have children, they will love to see how they are growing and what they have been up to.

9. Make friends with other spouses/girlfriends

See if you can find other spouses or girlfriends who have someone in basic when you do. There might be a Facebook group you can join. Finding someone else who is going through what you are will make this time apart much easier.

10. You are allowed to be sad

You are going to have sad days. Days when you cry, get frustrated and feel so sad and lonely. This is okay. You just have to power through.

11. Develop you

Use this time to help develop you. Decide what you want to focus on. Is it school? A new job? Start a new hobby and figure out what you can do to help yourself in this military life.

12. Watch YouTube videos from others

There are YouTube videos out there that have been done by those who have gone through basic training. They talk about their experiences and watching these can help you understand what basic is like for your spouse. This is particularly useful since you might not be hearing much about what is going on with your spouse.

13. Remember, the first few weeks are the hardest

The first few weeks are going to be the hardest. You are trying to figure out your new normal and one away from your spouse. Give yourself a break and get through each day.

14. This too shall pass

At some point your spouse will receive orders to their first duty station, then you will start the process for your first PCS. Some people end up overseas right away, and others move to the next state over. While there will be deployments and other training in your future, you will get to live your lives with your spouse again. They will head off to work, come home in the evening and have weekends off. There will be normal days once again.

As a brand new military spouse, you are going to have a lot of worries and questions about this life. At first, certain things will seem overwhelming to you. TRICARE? What’s that? But over time you will learn, and you will be able to figure this military life out.

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

What To Do When You Can’t Make Friends At Your New Duty Station

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What To Do When You Can't Make Friends At Your New Duty StationWhat To Do When You Can’t Make Friends At Your New Duty Station

One of the best things you can do in your military life journey is to find friends to walk through this life with. Friends who understand deployments, what going through a PCS every three years is really like and friends who you can make memories with during the years you are a military spouse. Military friendships are so important and are very much needed. But sometimes, making friends isn’t so easy. Sometimes you can feel like you are being friendly and can’t seem to click with anyone. So what should you do? What can you do when you can’t make friends at your duty station?

Are you putting yourself out there on a regular basis?

If you are struggling to make friends at your new duty station, how often are you putting yourself out there? Did you go to one FRG meeting and decide you can’t make friends there? Are you looking for fun things to do at your duty station? Put yourself out there as often as you can. Sign up for that book club, join that yoga class, start going to MOPS. The more places you go, the more people you will meet, the higher the chances that you will start making friends.

Use your children

If you have kids, you will have a lot of chances to make new friends. If you signed your child up for T-ball, see if there are any other moms to talk with. Take your kids to a lot of places on a regular basis. Is there a playgroup near where you live? If so, go. And not just once. Keep going. Even if you don’t meet anyone right away, your kids can have fun, meet new people and that can help with friendships for you.

Remember, sometimes it does take time

Remember that when you move to a new place, it can take some time to find friends and even more time to find best friends. Try not to lose hope if you are new to your duty station. Sometimes we get lucky and meet some new people we click with right away but that doesn’t always happen and it is important to remember this.

 

Do what you love

Dating advice that says to involve yourself in activities you enjoy and then you will be able to surround yourself with potential dates who you have something in common with. The same is true with finding friends. If you love to read, join a book club. You will meet other people who also love to read and you will know you already have something in common.

“A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have.” 

— Irish Proverb