Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Life as a Military spouse

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

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How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

This weekend I saw an article about a young military spouse titled, “I Gave Up College to Get Married — Now I’m 19 and Divorced” This article was a story about a girl who married her boyfriend instead of going ahead to college, even though that seemed to be her plan. Her husband was stationed in California, middle of nowhere California and the challenges of that mixed with not being able to find work led to a divorce, just a few months later.

I really feel for this woman. I feel for her because it seems she made a mistake. She probably should not have gotten married. 18 is so young. So very young. College is a great idea for most people. If you have to choose between the two, what should you do?

Military life is also very difficult. Even more so when you are first starting out your lives together, when your spouse is not making a lot of money and you just are not sure what you are supposed to be doing while he is off doing his job. Add in a middle of nowhere base and you can find yourself feel pretty lonely. That mixed with feeling like you should have gone to college instead does not make for a happy home.

I know some of my readers are military girlfriends. They haven’t yet married their service member and they could be thinking about if they should. I was never a military girlfriend but before I married my husband I was involved in several long distance relationships. They were hard enough without the military so I can only imagine how difficult it is when you add the military in the mix.

How do you know you are ready for a military marriage?

  • Because you are ready for marriage and all that comes with it. You need to be ready for marriage. Marriage is a big step and changes things. You will no longer be on your own. You will have someone else that you will be a part of. You will need to share your things and your space and everything you have. You have someone else you will be making decisions with and someone else that will be affected but the decisions that you make. 
  • Because you are ready for military life and how difficult this life is going to be. Military life is probably going to be harder than anyone can prepare for. That being said, knowing what to expect can help. Knowing how military life can be difficult is also a good idea.
  • Because you have done everything you wanted to do before you got married. I knew I wanted to finish college before I got married. That was important to me. What is important to you? Do you want to be on your own for a while? Do you want to be at least 25 years old? I know sometimes meeting that special someone can change things but if waiting for something is important to you, try to do that.
  • Because you know that while this life is unique with its own challenges, all marriages take work. No matter who you are, your marriage is going to go through hard times. As a new military spouse, you might be presented with some of these hard times earlier than other spouses do. Knowing this going in will help you get through the more difficult days that are to come.

I know a lot of people who married very young and are still happily married. Some are military couples and some are not. I also know people that married young and did not make it. Some divorced early on, others, years later.

When it comes to marriage and if you should get married young to your military boyfriend, check your heart and your gut. Ask yourself if the military life is one you want to have. Although none of us can truly plan for this life and most of the time the military life is harder than we ever thought, going into a marriage not being open to the life isn’t a good idea.

Divorce happens. To a lot of people. For a lot of different reasons. Hardships in marriage happen and the military might just be yours. If you do decide to marry young and are put in a similar situation that the young wife I talked about above was, know that you can make it through that. There is a lot of military support out there, you can go to college online, you can figure out a way to support your military husband and make it through those difficult years.

Military life might not be for everyone, but if you want your marriage to work, if you are willing to commit yourself to your new marriage, you will be going into this new life with your eyes open. You have a good chance of making your military marriage work and creating a wonderful life with your service member.

 

How Deployments Taught Me About the Importance of Family Time with DAV

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How Deployments Taught Me About the Importance of Family Time with DAV

Military Couple

Deployments

My husband has been home from his last deployment for almost three years now. He deployed 4 times to both Iraq and Afghanistan within 7 years. He left for the first time in 2006, returning at the end of 2007. He then deployed again in 2008, 2011 and 2013. He returned from what might have been his very last deployment in December of 2013.

Over the years since then, we have been able to get back to a more normal life. Although he has worked in civilian jobs where he has been away at times and he has his monthly guard duties, he has not been away for an extended amount of time since 2013. As a wife, I am very happy about this. As a mother, I am glad my boys don’t have to miss their father anymore.

During all our deployments, I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be more patient, that the little things don’t matter quite as much and that family time is precious.

Family Time is Important

Now that deployments are in my past, I look at our time together as something we sometimes had to go without. Whether we are all just hanging out together at home, going to the park or the movies or out on a day trip, I never want to forget what it was like to not have that.

There were plenty of weekends where I sat in my house alone with little children while I watched friends and even family spend time together. There have been plenty of times I have turned down invitations and not been able to go places because it was too difficult to do as the only parent. My husband has missed anniversaries and all the other holidays at one point or another.

These days, I try to plan for our family to do something together every weekend. We take advantage of what our community has to offer and enjoy going to parks and sometimes out to see a new movie. We took a lot of pool trips together this summer. We haven’t been able to travel too much lately but I’m hoping for a trip in the future that we can take together.

When you are able to spend that family time together on a regular basis, you are able to create memories with your children in a different way than when one of their parents is gone.

After four deployments, I am always aware of how special family time can be. I hope that I will never take advantage of being able to have my husband home with us on a regular basis. When he isn’t home, the days are just not the same. Deployments can be hard on a military spouse but I have learned that they can also help you become a better person with a different perspective on life.

DAV Victories for Veterans

America’s veterans achieve personal victories overcoming challenges great and small each and every day! DAV (Disabled American Veterans) is a nonprofit organization that is on a mission to help veterans succeed after military service and get the benefits they were promised.

Here is a little bit about what DAV is doing:

  • Each year, DAV helps veterans file more than 300,000 claims for VA benefits and stays with them through every step of the process.
  • DAV volunteers provide more than 700,000 rides each year to help veterans get to and from medical appointments at no cost to the veteran.
  • With nearly 1.3 million members, DAV’s powerful voice ensures that veterans are heard at the local, state and Federal level.
  • With nearly 1,300 chapters, DAV provides a national network of local support for veterans and their families.

Each year, they help more than one million veterans of all generations in life-changing ways. You can visit their website to learn more.

DAV (Disabled American Veterans) is a non-profit organization that is on a mission to help America’s veterans achieve more victories. To learn more about DAV, visit dav.org.

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of DAV. The opinions and text are all mine. While I am proud to support DAV and their mission, I have not been a beneficiary of DAV services.

The Reality of Solo Parenting

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The Reality of Solo Parenting

You know that your spouse will have to be away from you when they join the Military. You know that you will have to be alone with the kids. However, nothing can ever prepare you for what solo parenting will be like, how you will be able to handle the time away from your spouse and how hard it will be when they have to leave for months at a time.

The reality of solo parenting is that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

November 2005. That was the first time I was ever a solo parent. My son was 13 months old and my husband left for Germany. Assuming we would join him within a couple of months. Up until that time my husband had been there for everything. Every. Single. Thing. He worked a job where he left the house about 8:30 and was home about 6:30. He had the weekends off. Up until that time, the only days we had been apart were when I took my son down to my parent’s house for about a week.

But November 2005, all that changed when he joined the Army. I wasn’t naive and I knew I would have to be a solo parent. I knew he would be away sometimes.

I knew I would have to do it alone. However, I had no idea how hard that would really be.

I assumed it would be a bit easier than it has been. I was a babysitter for years, I knew how to handle children, right? Sure, I would have to do more but I could handle it, right? I would just have to find a good routine and we would be good, it would be like he wasn’t even gone. Right?

Wrong. That’s not how it went. Not for me anyways. We had adventures, we had good days filled with happy times with friends but at the end of the day it was me, solo with the kids. Me, doing everything that most households split.

Me, in charge, all day and all night.

It was me, pregnant me and a two-year-old. It was me, with a newborn and a husband in a war zone. It was me, trying to plan the days and the nights and weekends alone. It was me, trying to get through everything that I had to because my husband was a soldier. It was me who depended on friends and others because my own family was so far away.

The reality of solo parenting is that it is difficult and some days it does not feel like you will make it through. Other days will make you feel like you are failing this whole parenting thing. There is simply not enough patience or energy to do it all, there just isn’t. I have spent plenty of nights crying myself to sleep over everything. The exhaustion and the worry and the helplessness.

When you solo parent you end up becoming a different type of parent then you would be otherwise.

You don’t worry about certain things and you overstress about others. Like how much your kids are missing their father and if that will hurt them down the road. You might let them stay up a little too late or order pizza too many times.

The good thing about solo parenting in a military community is that other people get it. They understand and they have been there too. Other people can relate and know how difficult it can be to have to be mom and dad to your kids each and everyday.

For me personally, my solo parenting days are coming to an end. This makes me very happy. Although my children are older now and we are almost at the teen years, I am glad I don’t have to do them alone. I know that there are some that spend 20+ years in this life and they are able to do it with grace. Had that been my road, I am not sure if I could have handled it but who really knows? You never know how strong you really are until your faced with having to be as strong as possible.

I hope that what I have learned as a solo parent over the last 11 years can help me encourage others. I have been through it with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and now a tween. Each stage comes with its own set of challenges. Each year was different. And when my husband has been home and we have been a two parent household, life got a little easier. I hung onto those times through the months of separation that left me as the only parent in the home.

My best advice is to take it one day at time, one hour at a time if you need to. Make plans, stay busy and find friends who get it. Know that you are not alone and that you won’t always be in this particular situation. Life goes on, children grow and things change. Be as strong as you can be and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Military Life

Are you in a season of solo parenting? What is the hardest part about it for you?

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

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The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

My husband and I had talked about him re-joining the Military for months before he actually did. It was a hard decision to make and I can remember thinking about how if he did join he would be gone for long periods of time. This would mean that I would be the solo parent in the home to our son and any future children we might have.

That was a hard thing to come to terms with. To think that I would have to be alone with my kids for periods of time. That wasn’t what I had in mind when I married my husband. We were going to have kids, several of them. He was a good father. He would be there for everything.

Being a solo parent is just one of the many ways that Military life is hard. It can really get to you and each day can be a struggle. And as much as there are good things about Military life like homecomings, good friends, taking pride in what your spouse is doing, there are some hard truths about it as well.

Your spouse is going to miss holidays

This one can be hard for some people, especially if you can’t make it home to be with other family members. Deployments and trainings doesn’t usually take off for the holidays, especially the smaller ones. You can’t ever assume that they will be home for Christmas, if they are, you are one of the lucky ones. You will have to make the best of it, celebrate later or figure out creative ways to still celebrate the holidays when they are gone.

You might have to give birth without them

Raise your hand if you had to give birth without your husband. So many of us Military spouses have had to do this. For me it was because they send him home on R&R but he didn’t get home in time. He met his son at our front door when he was three days old. Thank goodness my mom was there. I have had friends that do decide to go home if they know their husband will be gone for the birth. Others are able to Skype with them during the birth. Thank goodness for technology. Although a lot of commands do try to make it so that your spouse will be with you for the birth, it isn’t always possible.

Your friends will always be moving away

Military life includes a lot of moves. That means that people will be coming and going all the time. As a Military spouse you will have to say goodbye to a lot of people, your kids will too. Some of these people will be your best friends and saying goodbye will hurt in the worst way. Other friends might not be as close but you will miss seeing them on a regular basis and will feel their absence. And if your friends aren’t moving any time soon, you might be the one to have to do it. It is hard to always have to say goodbye and then try to make new friends again but we Military spouses do it. We do it all the time.

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

You will become independent and that will change the dynamic of your marriage

Because of the way Military life works, you will become more independent as a Military spouse. Things will break when they are gone and you will have to figure that out by yourself. You will have to run the household, pay all the bills, make a lot of decisions alone that a lot of couples make together. All of that will make you very independent. This can be a challenge when they are home. You will still want to do it all and sometimes you have to let them do things again. This is something you and your spouse will have to work through in order to get to a good place.

It’s important to understand these hard truths if you are a Military spouse. You want to be prepared for them and it is also nice to know that a lot of other Military spouses experience these challenges too. It can help you not feel so alone if your spouse is in the Military and you are living the Military life.

Leave me a comment and tell me what has been hard for you during your time as a Military spouse? How do you get through those challenges?

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