Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

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Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

What first comes to mind when you hear the word, “FRG meeting?” Does it make you cringe? Does hearing that give you warm memories of former duty stations? Do you wonder even how to find your FRG?

The FRG gets a bad rap, it really does. And not exactly without reason. Not all FRGs are good, and some of them are filled with drama. That being said, I always think it is a good idea to go to at least one FRG meeting at your new duty station, especially if your spouse is going to be deployed.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

FRG stands for Family Readiness Group. You can normally find them within the Company and Battalion levels. While FRG is mainly an ARMY term, they might be called something else if you are in another branch.

Key Spouse Program, Family Readiness Program, the Ombudsman Program or the Work-Life Program accomplishes the same type of thing in other branches. They all offer support for the families of those who serve.

I have been in quite a few FRGs, and they can truly be amazing places to make friends, learn what is going on, and feel more connected to what your spouse is doing. Not every FRG experiences are good ones, and that is the main reason people stay away from them even if they have an active one. But, I do think they are worth checking out, at least to see how they are run and what they have going on.

So why should you go to at least one FRG Meeting? Here are some reasons:

To meet people

As military spouses, we are always looking for ways to make friends, especially if we are new to our duty station. The FRG can be a place to do so. These other spouses are married to someone that does the same type of thing your own spouse does.

These people are worth befriending or at least trying to befriend. They are in a very similar road that you are, and that is worth exploring. Even if you don’t find your best friend in the group, getting to know others that will be on the same deployment timeline that you will be is a good thing.

To understand what your spouse does

Knowing exactly what your spouse does can be a bit confusing, especially when they are deployed. Going to your FRG can help you understand more about their job and allow you to meet other more seasoned spouses than understand what being married to someone with that job is like. Sometimes you can feel a bit lost, even within the military world but finding other spouses who are in the know can be very helpful.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

For connection when your service member is deployed

My best experiences with FRGs have been when my husband was deployed. From monthly Monday coffee dates to BBQs with the kids, to get-togethers, to making homecoming signs. These wives or other spouses are in this with you, no matter how long the deployment will be.

If your husband is going to deploy in the near future, having a good FRG connection is a smart idea. Towards the end of a deployment, an FRG meeting is going to be the place to go to get the best information. Information about when to send the last care package, how homecoming is going to go, and how to get through those last weeks apart. If nothing else, having other spouses to get through those last few weeks of a deployment with is a good idea.

To stay busy

You have all heard the advice that you need to stay busy during your deployment. The FRG is one way to do so. Many FRGs have regular events as well as the regular FRG meeting.

If your FRG doesn’t have anything going on, you could be the one to start something. FRGs can also spin off to create other groups such as book clubs, running clubs, and even regular playdates. While you don’t need an FRG to stay busy during a deployment, they can be one of the places you turn to when you are looking for ways to fill up your calendar.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

To make your FRG a better place

Writing off your FRG is way too easy, committing to make the FRG better is a lot harder to do. Not all of us have the time or energy to help do this but if you do, consider stepping up and volunteering in your FRG. Not only will this be good for you but it will be good for all the spouses in the FRG. A good FRG takes people who want it to be so.

You don’t have to be the FRG leader, there are other roles that need to be filled. Talk to the people in your FRG to find out what they need help with. The more help the FRG has, the stronger the group can become.

Because one bad FRG experience shouldn’t turn you off forever

Maybe you had a horrible experience with your FRG at your previous duty station, but that doesn’t mean this FRG will be the same. You could end up with an amazing group and wouldn’t even know it if you don’t at least go to one meeting. You never know what the FRG is going to be like until you visit the FRG and find out for yourself.

Don’t let one bad experience turn you off forever. There might be drama, but you don’t have to be apart of that nonsense. Work together to keep the drama away from your FRG so everyone can have a better experience.

While an FRG might not be for everyone, they are worth checking out. Try to go into your first FRG meeting with an open mind; you might be surprised at what you find. A good FRG will help you and your family have a better experience during a deployment and at your duty station in general.

Do you go to your FRG meetings? Why or why not?

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

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The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Making friends in a social media world should make things easier, right? I mean, we can talk to anyone at any time. If we wanted to find a friend who loves Doctor Who and lives in Kentucky, it would take us a couple of minutes to find a place to look for someone who fits that description. There are groups, communities, and pages for almost any type of topic.

So why is it still so hard to make friends? Why do we feel so alone when moving to our next duty station? Why is there so much drama when it comes to the military spouse community?

The Military Spouse's Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Social media can be such a blessing for us military spouses. Social media allows us to talk to others at our future duty stations, stay connected to friends who have moved far away, and share photos and our lives with our family and friends back at home.

However, social media can also cause us to stay in our homes when we should be pushing ourselves for more in-person connections. Social media can also make us feel less than, as we tend to compare our full stories to everyone else’s highlight reel. Bullying is a lot easier to do online, as people can hide behind their phones and their computers.

So what is a military spouse to do when trying to find connections in this life?

Here are some ideas:

Use social media to help you find in-person events

Make sure of social media to find in-person events at your duty station. You can look for one time events such as a 5K, an MWR event, or something going on at the local library. You can also look for meetings and clubs that happen a couple times a month, or even weekly. Look for your local MOPS group, a book club, a running club, or a playgroup. In some cases, you can join a Facebook group, introduce yourself, and ask questions before you attend your first meeting.

Reach out but with caution

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you meet in your local group or in person. But also, make sure to use caution. Not everyone is who they appear to be online. If you meet up with someone you met online, make sure to always do so in a public place and tell someone where you are going. You also don’t have to become friends with everyone you meet. Some people are better acquaintances while others will turn into best friends.

Don’t be afraid to start something new

If you can’t find the right group at your duty station, think about starting your own. There are probably other spouses in your area who are into what you are into too. Make a plan, post about it in your local Facebook group, and don’t be afraid to try more than once if the plan doesn’t work out at first. Sometimes new groups take a while to grow, but they can be the right answer when you are looking for friends you have something in common with.

Stay away from the drama, as much as you can

While you can’t stay away from drama 100%, you can make sure you are not looking for it or adding to it. Calling people names, bullying them online, and not showing kindness most of the time will cause you to be involved in more drama that you should be. Your life doesn’t have to involve that much drama, it really doesn’t.

Be real with your social media posts

Sometimes I wish we could all agree to be more real in our social media posts. Sometimes we only share things when life is going well. We only talk about when we moved into a big beautiful house, not how hard it was to save for the downpayment. We talk about how much we love our husband, but we don’t talk about how hard marriage can sometimes be. We talk about the homecoming and don’t mention that we too had too many nights when they were gone when we just didn’t think we could make it another day.

Don’t share everything

As much as being real on social media is a good idea, we also should make sure we are not oversharing everything. We can share that we are struggling without every single detail. And some conversations are better for private messages or in person get-togethers.

If we use social media to bash other people, that will make others be wary of befriending us. We don’t want to end up being a future post on your timeline. This also applies to Facebook groups as none of them are going to be as private as you think they are.

Don’t give up

Whatever you do, don’t give up on finding friends. Don’t just shut yourself up in your house with the excuse that everyone around you sucks. I don’t think that is true; you just haven’t found your people yet. If your friends have all just moved away, you might also feel like it would be too hard to try again, but if you do, you will find there are new friendships to make, and new people to meet.

Always remember OPSEC and PERSEC

Whenever you are on social media, make sure you are always thinking about OPSEC and PERSEC. You don’t want to share information that could be used by the enemy. You don’t want to share specific dates and locations or too much info about your service member. Always lean on the side of not sharing if you are not sure as that will never get you in trouble.

Finding friendships with other military spouses is a must. They can help you through the more difficult of times and allow you to have a much better experience at your duty station. Finding new friends isn’t always eat, but doing so is worth putting in the effort to find them, whether you do so on or offline.

Where do you like to find friends at your duty station?

 

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

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Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

There is something special about the Commissary. This is the place you can go on your duty station to buy groceries. In a lot of places, you will save money by doing so, although that isn’t always the case and isn’t the case for every item in the store. Some Commissaries are pretty big, and some are pretty small, depending on your duty station.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

The Commissary is one of the many military benefits your service member receives when they start serving their country. This started back in 1825 when Army officers could make purchases. In 1841, they could start buying for their immediate families too. In 1867, enlisted service members could start buying at the Commissary.

The first overseas Commissary opened in 1899/1900 in the Philippines and China. While just the Army had Commissaries at first, the Navy and the Marines Corp opened their first stores in 1909/10 and the Air Force in 1947/48. These days, all service members, including the National Guard and Reserves as well as Retirees can shop at the Commissary.

You can read more about the history of the Commissary on their website! 

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

Image source

The Commissary is meant to be comparable to what you can find in a regular grocery store.

But for a cheaper cost. While this, of course, isn’t always the case these days, and not for every product, overall shopping there can save you a bit of money.

The Defence Commissary Agency (DeCA) was established in 1990 and they are who run the Commissary today. Commissaries sell at cost and we pay a surcharge which helps with new stores and renovations. Baggers work for tips only and they are not government or commissary employees but considered self-employed.

Baggers at the Commissary are not the same as baggers at your local grocery store.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

So why should you always tip your bagger?

I have heard some pushback about having to tip the baggers. Do you have to do so? What if you want to take the groceries out yourself? What if they don’t do a good job?

The thing to remember is that while the Commissary can resemble and look like your regular old grocery store, they are not. They are a military benefit to help you save money on your groceries. Because of this, things are done a little bit differently. The only money the baggers make is what they get from tips.

If a commissary bagger brings your groceries to your car, please tip them.

Do you have to? Well no, if you don’t, no one is going to write you up or give you a ticket but it is not a nice way to treat your baggers. If you don’t have any cash to give them, know that you can get cash back when you pay, and the cashiers are pretty used to people asking for that.

If you can’t do that or don’t want to use the baggers, you also don’t have to do that either. Most Commissaries have a self-checkout section that you can use.

I have been using the Commissary since 2006 and 99% of the baggers I have met have been good at what they do and are simply trying to earn an income. They range from high school students to stay at home moms to older spouses. They do the best they can and tipping them is so important.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

How much you tip really depends on what you feel is comfortable.

Most people tip between $3-5 depending on how many groceries they have. Some, of course, give more and some give a little extra when the weather isn’t as nice or on a holiday. Some pay by the bag or dollar amount spent.

In the end, if you go to the Commissary and use a bagger, make sure to tip them. If you don’t want to do that, if you don’t feel comfortable with that, don’t use the bagger or shop somewhere else. Don’t stiff your bagger, be nice to them, it’s the right thing to do!

 

Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

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Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

What a way to wake up, to hear of a government shutdown. That what so many people said wouldn’t happen did and that so many families are wondering what that means for them.

Our military is used as a bargaining chip, and sometimes that means that we will have to deal with what happens when the government gets shutdown. I am hoping that this does not last long, I am hoping that by the time you read this, the shutdown is old news, but I am not holding my breath.

Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

 

No one in today’s Military was drafted.

Every single person who serves decided to do so on their own. The Military is the job they decided to do and how they help support their families. In some cases, the Military member is the only one bringing in a paycheck. Having that regular paycheck is a must.

If your spouse is deployed, you will receive extra money which helps your household. This can be an excellent time to pay off debt, save for the future or just catch up on bills.

The National Guard and Reserves have monthly drills that families are used to, those have been and could be canceled because of this. And while a canceled drill can seem like a nice break, a canceled drill also means families will be going without some of their regular income for the month.

So whether the Military member is deployed or not, that money is very important. But beyond that, to not get paid like you should is a huge slap in the face.

In a perfect world, we would all have nice sized emergency funds, but not everyone does. While it is true we should always be prepared, a lot of military families are not and live paycheck to paycheck. While it is nice to have savings, not everyone has enough to help them through something like this.

But beyond whether a family has enough money in their bank accounts to get through one or two delayed paychecks is beside the point.  What does not paying the Military do to morale? It crushes it. From the single soldier serving in Afghanistan to the Mom of four trying to hold it together while her husband is deployed for the fourth time.

To not get paid on time feels like a blow.

To have to figure out how to make a paycheck stretch that much more is added stress Military families don’t need. In 2013, the last time this happened, my husband was deployed, and the feeling that he would not get paid was beyond frustrating. I hate that for anyone going through this right now.

If you are looking for more information about what is happening, how you will be affected during this time, how services you depend on will be affected, please use these links to help:

UPDATED: How a Government Shutdown Impacts Pay, Benefits

Here’s what we know about how a government shutdown would affect the military, DoD civilians and veterans

USAA pledges help for members affected by possible January 2018 government shutdown

Navy Federal rolls out loan policy in light of possible 2018 federal shutdown

Defense Finance and Accounting Service – DFAS

Government headed for shutdown Saturday, after Senate fails to pass budget bill

What You Can and Can’t Do During a Government Shutdown

How to Survive the Government Shutdown

What should we be doing?

As we are trying to see what is going to happen with this shutdown, here is what we can do to help our situations:

  1. Try not to panic- I know that is difficult, this is a stressful situation.
  2. Look at your budget- Figure out where your gaps are. Talk to your bank. Put down on paper your plan for paying your bills.
  3. Watch for updates- Things can change quickly.
  4. Be informed- There is a lot of misinformation out there, make sure the information you are reading about all of this is correct.
  5. Breathe- This sucks, it does, but hopefully, the shutdown will not last long, and we will be back to “normal” soon.

And to anyone who has any power in this, stop using the military like this. Stop acting like it doesn’t matter if the military gets paid or not. The military should always, without question be paid on time. Always.

 

Can Anyone Make it as a Military Spouse?

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Can Anyone Make it as a Military Spouse?

I have often believed that no matter who you are, where you came from, as long as you love your service member, you can get through anything. When my civilian friends tell me they could never do what I do, I want to tell them they could if they had married a service member too.

There have even been times in the past, before my husband joined the military, when I didn’t think I could do it either.

But, can anyone really be a military spouse? Can anyone who marries someone who serves figure out a way to make this work?

When most people get married, they assume they will be married until death do us part. Who wants to go into a marriage with divorce as the goal? But the truth is, not all marriages last, and not all marriages can survive the military.

Can anyone make it as a military spouse? That depends.

Some people can get through anything the military life brings them. This should be the goal. Working through the stressful situations, working on their marriage, and trying to figure out a way to get through it all.

Some military spouses married their service member years before they joined up. In these cases, life gets thrown entirely on its head when they join. Everything changes and that can be such an adjustment for the service member, military spouse, and children.

For others, marrying the love of their life meant becoming a military spouse on their wedding day, unsure of the adventures, or struggles they might run into in the future. Their new marriage is thrown together with the newness of military life.

In either case, the military spouse can feel like her world is falling apart, that they can’t make it through that deployment, that they are not quite cut out for this life.

I have felt this way myself. I would get to a place where I just didn’t see how I could keep doing this. Where everything was a little too much. Where I didn’t want to do the military life anymore.

But then, I remembered that I did indeed marry a soldier, even if he wasn’t actively serving at the time. I reminded myself that this is a part of who my husband is and that in the end, I can stand by him through whatever I need to. That my love for him and my want for us to be together will be more important than any lonely night or hardship the military comes my way.

 

That being said, this isn’t the case for everyone.

For some, this life isn’t something they can keep doing. They hit a wall for whatever reason. Sometimes they hit this wall because there has been betrayal in the marriage. Can you truly trust someone across the miles when they have cheated before? Sometimes there is abuse, or the couple cannot work out their difficulties.

The truth is, we don’t always know what other people are going through, we don’t know what happens in their marriage, and we don’t know what they have been through in the past. Compassion is a must.

While going into this life believing you can make it through is a must, know that if you were not able to, that if things did get too difficult, that if you are no longer a military spouse, that you have a right to do what is best for you. That you did what you could, and that no one should be judging you for doing what is best for your own family.

What do you think? Can anyone make it as a military spouse?

Military Spouse Holiday Memes: Laughing Through Deployment and Distance

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10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Season’s Greetings. This time of year is a time for family, for faith, for togetherness, and for love. The holidays can also be difficult if your spouse is away or if you are going through any other stressful type of situation.

Military life doesn’t always have the best timing. There will be years when your spouse will be deployed over Christmas. There will be years when they are home. There will be years when you don’t even have a home as you are PCSing during the holidays, and there are years when you will be able to invite your family and celebrate in the way you want to.

You might be able to go home for the holidays this year, as your family is only a three-hour car drive away. You might not be able to because the 2,000-mile plane tickets are out of your budget. Wherever you spend the holidays, whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope it is a good one, filled with happy memories and fun with the people you love.

Here are 10 memes for the military spouse this holiday season:

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

 

10 Memes For Military Spouses This Holiday Season

Whatever you do this holiday season, I hope you are able to make memories with your family, start new traditions, and connect together, even over the miles. As you look ahead to 2018, know that you can find ways to make it through anything that comes your way.

How are you celebrating the holidays this year?

Gaining Independence as a Dependent Military Spouse

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Gaining Independence as a Dependent Military Spouse

From the military’s point of view, the spouse and the children of a service member are considered military dependents. This word, “dependent” isn’t always easy to take. The word means we are dependent on someone else, on something else. That we might not get a say, even if we want one. Decisions will be made that affect us profoundly, that we have no control over.

Gaining Independence as a Dependent Military Spouse

And while we understand this is what the military calls us, through our years as a military spouse, we gain independence. We gain this skill when we go months at a time without our spouse by our side. We gain it when we have to move away from our comfort zone. We gain independence because we have to and because there is no other choice to do so.

The military pushes you to be independent

When your spouse leaves for the first time, whether they are gone for a short training exercise, basic training, or their first deployment, you will be pushed into independence in ways you otherwise wouldn’t be. Even simple things such as taking out the trash, buying the groceries, and putting the kids to bed will all fall to you. You will learn how to do what you need to do to keep things going in your home, your job, and with your kids.

Gaining Independence as a Dependent Military Spouse

The military life teaches you more than you thought possible

While you know you will have to be more independent in this life, what you learn from the time apart might even surprise you. Military spouses are often stronger and can deal with more than they think they can. Through being forced into a more independent role, you will learn more than you ever could have imagined.

That independence will help you in all areas of your life

The independence you gain from living the military spouse life will help you in all areas of your life. You will find that you can get through different hurdles you didn’t think that you could. You will become a little more confident in your parenting abilities. That your independence will even help you on your career path.

Gaining Independence as a Dependent Military Spouse

That gaining that independence can hurt sometimes, even if it is a good thing

Some military spouses go straight from their parent’s house to their first home with their servicemember. They might not have ever lived on their own before then. This new world can be quite scary and having to step out of your comfort zone doesn’t always feel good. There will be times over your years as a military spouse when gaining that independence might hurt, but that is all apart of the growing experience.

Being independent is a good thing. That skill will take you far. Even though the military calls you a dependent, know that you will become more independent over the years and that by doing so you can help achieve any goal you might have.

How have you become more independent during your time as a military spouse? 

Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

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Stepping outside of your comfort Zone

Stepping outside of your comfort Zone?!?! Yes!!

By: Marla Bautista

In the military world, opportunities come and go. Many Spouses’ have made their mark as entrepreneurs, military family advocates, Department of Defense contract workers, and other careers outside of the military community. Then there’s you… trying to find your place in this life, but you’re having a hard time jumping in. I am going to fill you in on a few tips on how to not only survive in this small military world, but how to rock it!  

There’s so much going on around your post, get involved! Yes, I Know, meeting new people and making friends, (especially military spouses) can be hard, but try it, you never know who you’ll bond with. If you are a home body get involved in an online group for other women like you. You never know who you’re inspiring.  

This may even lead to you being a voice for people who think they don’t have one. It can be difficult moving to a place you’ve never been, interacting with people you’ve never seen before. But fear not, a little bit of food and wine will solve all your anxiety issues…well kind of. Try to make genuine acquaintances. If you are inebriated along with others, this can create a false sense of togetherness that may evaporate as soon as you run out of wine.  

Stepping outside of your comfort Zone

Are you having a hard time finding employment in your career field? Try volunteering. On post, there is a volunteer position in almost every career field. If you have a medical background, try volunteering with the Red Cross. If you want to be a veterinarian, check out the Vet clinic on post, they may have a need for volunteers.  

You never know where it’ll take you. Why should you use your precious time volunteering? Because this potentially is the easiest way to get your foot in the door and fast track you into your desired career. You may be the new employee they never knew they needed! Say Yes! Get out there! Make a name for yourself in your field.   

Say yes to working or volunteering in a group of your peers. Working with others can help you identify any self-image or branding insights you may not have seen otherwise. Ask questions, be open minded to new information.

Find a mentor to help guide you down your chosen path. You can never be too informed. I love to pick people’s brain, they may say something that I wasn’t thinking or tell me something about myself that I never realized. I have literally befriended people on Facebook, I didn’t know and sent a private message to them saying; Hi, I know you don’t know me but I love what you do. I want to be just as successful as you. Do you have any tips that can help me grow? You wouldn’t believe it, but people are very receptive to others who compliment them.  It shows that their work hasn’t gone unnoticed and they have made a positive impact in someone’s life.

Stepping outside of your comfort Zone

I have been lucky enough to mingle with some of the swankiest people due to my outgoing personality, but also because I want to be around people who are like minded and goal oriented. I have come far, but I have a long way to go. Doing things, I wouldn’t normally do, has helped me excel in my career field.

I have been recommended for certain jobs because of my personality and my hustle. I may not be the greatest at what I do, but I am a hard worker, who’s teachable, and that will take you further in life than talent alone.  

Stepping out of your comfort zone has so many advantages. You will learn and grow at every duty station. Don’t limit yourself!

Say Yes! Go out with a group of spouses you’ve never met. Volunteer to learn a new skill, be a voice for your community. There are literally hundreds of opportunities to make a difference in the military community. If you want something different, go out there and get it! Don’t be shy. Good things come to those who…hustle. Let everyone know your name!

I am Marla Bautista. I am an Army Spouse and mother of three, currently living in New York. I am a freelance writer and recently released my first book, My Thoughts Abandoned.  I have an Associate’s of Arts Degree from The University of Maryland University College and am currently working on my Bachelor’s in Communications. I love to volunteer my time within the military community and advocate for those in need. I am also an avid couponer and hopefully one day, a millionaire because of my frugal lifestyle! My Instagram and my blog, Hood Cents!