Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

25 Tips For The Brand New Military Spouse

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The brand new military spouse

25 Tips For The Brand New Military Spouse

Your husband of two years just left for basic training.

Your boyfriend is on his way to Ft. Benning, fulfilling his dream.

You are getting married, and then a week later, you and your new husband are moving to Ft. Bliss in Texas, a state you never even thought about visiting let alone moving to.

Welcome to the military, as a new spouse, you are for sure feeling overwhelmed. Your life has just done a 180, and you are a bit lost.

When my husband joined, and we were at our first duty station in Germany, I remember standing there watching a group of soldiers march by. Was this my life now? What did I get myself into? There was so much I didn’t understand.

So if you are brand new to this life, here are 25 tips to help you start your military spouse journey:

1. Learn about TRICARE

Learn what you can about TRICARE. Spend some time on their website. There is a lot to learn, and things can change quickly. But knowing where to go to find that information is necessary.

2. Bloom where you are planted

Remember that no matter where you get stationed, you can bloom where you are planted. You can make the best of a horrible duty station, no matter how bad the negative reviews are. Make sure you are working towards enjoying where you live, every day.

new military spouse

3. Deployments happen

Deployments will happen, and not always at the best time. You can’t plan for them, and they can be disappointing, but they are a big part of military life. Luckily there is a lot of deployment support out there.

4. Not everyone is trustworthy

Sadly, not everyone you meet is going to be trustworthy. Keep this in mind but also know that there are plenty of amazing military spouses out there too.

5. Try your FRG, at least once

Give it a try, just once. What would that hurt? If you hate it, don’t go back. But if you go, there is always the chance that you ended up in a good FRG and being a part of that will help you in your military spouse life.

6. Explore the Commissary

When you first get to your duty station, explore the Commissary. Figure out how long it takes you to get there and do your own price matching so that you can see if shopping there will save you money. In some places it does, in others, it doesn’t. And try not to go on payday, trust me on that one.

7. Befriend your neighbors

Say hi to your neighbors and befriend them, at least with a smile. Getting along with your neighbors will make for a better experience, whether you are on post or off.

8. Remember OPSEC

OPSEC is so important. Learn what it means and lean on the side of not sharing that info if you are not sure.

9. Practice PERSEC

PERSEC is more individual. Talk that over with your spouse, so you are on the same page. If he doesn’t want his photo on Facebook, don’t share it.

10. Don’t overshare

There is no need to overshare details on social media. Stay as vague as you can. You can still get your point across without sharing such personal details.

11. Respect your marriage

Always respect your marriage, whether they are home or overseas. Respect your spouse online. They are going to piss you off; you don’t always have to share when they do.

12. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there

Putting yourself out there can be difficult, especially if you are more on the introverted side but doing so can be worth it.

new military spouse

13. Help others when you can

If you see someone you can help, do so. If you can’t personally help in their situation, you could direct them to someone or a resource who can.

14. Say no to things

You don’t have to say yes to everything. When you get involved in your community, there will be a lot of things you could say yes to. Don’t burn yourself out and know that sometimes, it is okay to say no.

15. Buy a journal

Buy a cute journal and when you are stressed, write in it. When you are missing your spouse, write in it. Not only will that help you in the moment but reading back in the future can help you too.

16. Find the deployment tips that work for you

There are so many deployment tips out there. Not all of them will work for you. Figure out which ones work for you and your family.

17. Don’t be overwhelmed by the acronyms

There are so many acronyms in the military world. There is no way to learn them all. The good news is that they are pretty easy to figure out if you look them up online.

18. Live on post at least once

Give living on post/base a try. If you are new, doing so can be a good way to get to know military life. If you don’t like it, live off in the future.

19. Don’t overspend when you get extra money

There will be times when your spouse gets extra pay. Don’t overspend when they do. You will kick yourself later.

20. Have a plan for deployment pay

Before your spouse goes anywhere, have a plan for any extra deployment pay and be on the same page about what you will do with the money.

21. Make plans, but put them in pencil

You can make plans when you are a military spouse, just make sure they are in pencil. They might have to change at a moment’s notice.

22. Join new clubs

If you are feeling lonely and fear you won’t ever make any friends, try something new. Go to MOPS, PWOC or a regular playdate with your kids. Get out of the house and meet new people.

new military spouse

23. Cry if you need to

If you need to cry, do so. Some people cry more than others; it’s just the way they handle stress. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you not to cry.

24. Don’t let someone else’s bad experience become yours

We all have our own experiences, especially about duty stations. Don’t let someone else’s bad experience ruin things for you. Keep what they said in mind but don’t automatically assume you will have that same bad experience that you have.

25. Find extra help if you need it

If you need extra help, don’t be afraid to find it. This could mean hiring a babysitter on a regular basis or setting up time with a counselor. Don’t be afraid to reach out when you are feeling lost or not sure how you will make it through.

What are your best tips for the brand new military spouse???

Thank You For Your Service

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Thank You For Your Service

This post contains affiliate links!

Thank You For Your Service

In August of 2006, my husband deployed with his Unit out of Schweinfurt, Germany to Iraq. In January of 2007, President George W. Bush increased the number of American troops to provide security to Baghdad and Al Anbar Province. He extended the tour of most of the Army troops and some of the Marines.

In April of 2007, we got the news that our husbands would not be home in June, but that they would be a part of this surge. My husband returned in November of 2007 after a 15-month deployment.

On October 27th of this year, the movie Thank You For Your Service will be coming out starting Miles Teller, Haley Bennett, and Amy Schumer. The movie, which is directed by Jason Hall, is based on the book by David Finkel, Thank You For Your Service. 

Finkel was embedded with the men of the 2-16 Infantry Battalion during the surge in Iraq where he wrote his best-selling book, The Good Soldiers. Thank You For Your Service is about these same men when they returned home after their 15-month deployment.

The movie is the story of soldiers returning from war, dealing with the aftermath and trying to move forward. Miles Teller plays SGT Adam Schumann, a soldier who leaves Iraq as a broken man and Haley Bennett plays Saskia Schumann, Schumann’s wife.

From the previews I have seen, this movie looks to be very good, yet will be hard for a lot of us to watch. Even as I type this, I am getting emotional thinking about that deployment and everything the men and the spouses went through and are still going through, 10 years later.

I think this is an important story for all Americans to hear about. To know what those who have served have been through and what really can happen after the homecoming. That not everyone returns from a war the same and that there is so much that has to be worked through, especially after such a long deployment.

And for those of us that can identify with this on a personal level, I hope we can talk to others about what we have been through, and find support through one another.

Thank You For Your Service will be in theaters October 27th. 

 

No, The Military Isn’t The Same As Any Other Job

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No, The Military Isn’t The Same As Any Other Job

11 months. That’s how long I have gone without seeing my husband because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

15 months. That’s the longest he has lived away from us because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

5 months. That was the length of his shortest deployment because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

When someone joins the military, everything changes. Their families have to adapt to their new career path. When someone joins the military, what used to apply doesn’t anymore, and there is a huge learning curve.

No, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

No, The Military Isn't The Same As Any Other Job

While there are other career paths that take someone away from their families, and while those jobs can have their own struggles, being in the military is a unique career path, unlike any other.

As a military spouse, we have to change our mindset when our spouse joins the military. We have to understand how important their job is. We have to understand that their job will come first, even in cases where the job wouldn’t if they were working a different type of job.

No, The Military Isn't The Same As Any Other Job

As a military spouse, we are not guaranteed that our husband will be there for the birth of every child. Most commands do try to make it happen, but at the end of the day, the mission comes first.

As a military spouse, we move when they get new orders. We might leave our friends, we might leave our jobs, we might leave the only home we have ever really known.

As a military spouse, we have to take the backseat. It doesn’t matter if our child is graduating from high school or our brother is getting married, the mission comes first.

Over the years, you will get used to some of this, and at the same time, still, get frustrated by it. You might need to vent to a friend when you find out your husband is deploying three months before your planned trip to Walt Disney World. You might get angry when you have to reschedule your anniversary trip for the fourth time because of a training schedule. You might break down in tears when you find out that your spouse will miss your son’s first birthday, just like he missed the 1st birthdays of your other three children.

No, The Military Isn't The Same As Any Other JobNo, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

There are rules, regulations, and ways of doing things that don’t always make logical sense. You will have trouble making plans because things change all the time.

Your children will have to say goodbye to one of the parents more often than other kids. They will listen to their mom or dad read them bedtime stories on a video. They will work with you to send care packages to far away lands that most have only heard about on the news.

We create support groups both locally and online to help us spouses through the stresses of this life. From moving to deployments to general military life frustrations. We find friends to help us through, friends who become family.

No, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

Serving in the military is a sacrifice. Doing so is giving up freedoms that other Americans don’t for the sake of our country. Being a military spouse is supporting those who serve in a very personal way. But because we do, our lives are changed forever.

And through the struggles we endure, we became stronger. Us seasoned spouses can reach out to the new spouse and help them through what they are dealing with. We can figure out ways to endure through our more challenging days. We work hard to be strong, even if we don’t always feel like we are.

At the end of the day, we look at our service member and know how important their job is. Whether they are deploying to Iraq or going down to Florida to help with hurricane relief. Whether they are preparing to train all summer long or moving with your family from your hometown in Ohio to a new home in South Korea. Whether they serve five years or retire after 30.

No, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

How long has your service member been in the military?

The Truth About the Military Spouse Community

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The Truth About the Military Spouse Community

I have noticed something, and it makes me sad. Military spouses who have no desire to be involved in the military community because they think everyone is awful. They don’t want to try to be friends with other military spouses because they believe all military spouses are the same and that they don’t want to be involved in their drama.

I just have to say, that in the 12 years I have been a military spouse, this has not been my experience. 

Military Community

Are there terrible military spouses out there? Yes, of course. Just like there are terrible civilian spouses out there. Terrible people are everywhere but so are amazing people. And the military community has a lot more of them.

Do military spouses cause drama? Yes, they do, but you know what? There is drama everywhere else too. There is drama in a civilian neighborhood, there is drama in a civilian school, there is drama just about anywhere you find other people. Life has drama.

The Truth About the Military Spouse CommunityWhen you shut yourself off to the military community as a whole, you are shutting yourself off to the ability to meet other people who understand what you are going through. You shut yourself off to the opportunity to meet people who can become family. You shut yourself off to making some amazing memories and getting to know your neighbors and your community.

If you are feeling like no one understands you, if you feel like you are the only military spouse who believes a certain way, I guarantee you are not alone. I guarantee that there are other military spouses out there, in your own military community, that believes the same way that you do.

When you are new to military life, the community can feel a bit overwhelming. There is so much to learn, so many terms, so many traditions. You can feel a little lost.

When you get to your first duty station and don’t know a soul, you can start to feel invisible. The school is asking for an emergency contact, and you don’t know anyone local, let alone anyone you would trust with your children. You see other spouses with their friends, and you want that, but you are not sure how to get it.

The Truth About the Military Spouse Community

You might be a seasoned spouse who is moving for the sixth time in ten years. Things didn’t go so well at your last duty station, so you tell yourself that this time you will stick to the civilian side of things. You will stay far away from the military community. But then your spouse deploys, and you are left alone, wondering how to make it through, wondering how you will do so without any battle buddies.

The truth is, our military communities are filled with people, and people do make mistakes. They are filled with good experiences and bad ones. They are filled with happiness and sadness. They are filled with men and women who all want to live the best life that they can with the people around them.

So whether you are brand new to this life or whether you have been a spouse for a long time, try to reach out and find the good in your military community. The good is there, I promise.

You can see it when one spouse loses her child, and her friends are there to help her through. You see it when one spouse loses her husband, and her battle buddies are right there by her side. You see it when a mom is having a baby and her community rallies around her and offers support.

The truth is, not everything is going to go smoothly. In a military community, you will find drama, you will find people who ignore you, you will find people who won’t understand you. But they do not make up all of the community. They should not ruin things for you so that you swear off military spouses for good.

The Truth About the Military Spouse Community

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be guarded or careful. Opening your heart to everyone you meet isn’t always the best plan. But you can go into your community with hope. You can work hard to be the type of friend you are looking for. You can work hard to make the military community a better place.

What do you love about your own military community?

 

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

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Cracker Barrel

This is a sponsored post with Cracker Barrel!

Every time we go to we always take some time to sit in the rocking chairs out front. They are perfect for your porch, to sit and enjoy the evening or to have a cup of coffee before work. I am working together with Cracker Barrel on this post and they sent me one of their rocking chairs to put together, decorate, and gift to someone special. When they did, I knew who I wanted to give this rocker to.

My husband, who is in the National Guard, first joined the Army back in 1996. Although he did take a break, I joke it was in order to meet me, he has served a total of about 13 years, both active duty, and with the National Guard. He spends his weeks working hard at his civilian job and then when it is time for drill, puts on his uniform, and goes and serves his country. And his birthday is coming up.

I knew that my husband would love a rocking chair for his birthday. We have a front porch at our home here in Tennessee and I knew a rocking chair would be perfect for him to sit in after work or on a Saturday morning, especially since it has finally started cooling off here.

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

When he is not working, he likes to relax and I knew the rocking chair would allow him to do so more than the chairs we already had out there. My six-year-old son and I took some time to decorate the chair for him too. He loves this type of thing and knowing he was making it for his Dad made working on it even better.

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

My helper 🙂

We decided to go with a red, white, and blue patriotic theme for the chair. We used several different types of ribbon and a red, white and blue star decoration.

Cracker Barrel

provides a good meal for your whole family. They have a home-away-from home feel and whenever someone visits us from out-of-town, we like to take them there. The restaurant was established in 1969 in Lebanon, TN and there are 644 stores in 44 states today. Not only do they have good food, their breakfasts are my favorite, but they have an amazing country store you have to spend time in when you go.

Operation Rocker

The Operation Rocker campaign with Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront is a way for the community to give back to the military and the veterans who have served their country. Cracker Barrel will donate a rocking chair to Operation Homefront for every adult rocker that is purchased on Cracker Barrel’s website until Labor Day (9/4/17.)

In addition to donating the rockers, Cracker Barrel also donated 10% of proceeds from all in-store adult rocker sales to Operation Homefront during the weekend of June 30th-July 4, 2017.

Operation Homefront

Operation Homefront offers relief, resiliency, and recurring support to military families across the nation. After starting shortly after 9/11, they have served tens of thousands of military families across the country. I know we have benefited from them in the past too.

Operation Rocker is one way to help so they can continue to help military families. The program Homes on the Homefront, which Operation Rocker supports, has also awarded nearly 600 mortgage-free homes as well as providing over $48 million in deeded value to veterans and their families. Other programs include the Fisher House, United Through Reading, The Legion Fund and more.

Last year, over 700 rockers were purchased during this program. Cracker Barrel and the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Foundation together contributed over $430,000 to Operation Homefront through both monetary and in-kind donations. To kick off this year, they awarded a $50,000 grant to Operation Homefront.

Head on over to the and buy a rocker for you or that special person in your life. Doing so is a way to give back to veterans and you can enjoy the benefits of having a rocker on your porch too.

6 Reasons Why Deployments Can Be So Difficult With Small Children

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6 Reasons Why Deployments Can Be So Difficult With Small Children

Deployments with children are all I have ever known. When my husband joined the Army, we had a 13-month-old. My husband left for Germany, and we stayed behind waiting for our Command Sponsorship. This pushed me right into the solo parenting role and one I never expected I would be in.

Deployment

 

Over the years, I have been through four deployments as well as plenty of other separations where I had to parent alone. I have always felt this was a bit of a deployment weakness for me. Being both mom and dad is hard, and when you have to do it over and over again, it wears on you.

There are many reasons why a deployment can be so difficult. They vary based on each person, their situation, and what they are currently going through. A spouse suffering from depression is going to have a different type of challenge during a deployment than a spouse who isn’t. But that doesn’t mean the second spouse isn’t fighting their own battles.

Here are six reasons why deployments can be so difficult with small children:

You do bedtime, every night

Every night you are the only one putting your kids to bed. You do all of the bedtime routines. You read all of the stories. You always get the last drink and last snack. It is all you. There isn’t anyone else who is going to be coming home after work that you can split the job with.

Over the months, this can start to get to you. You daydream about your spouse being able to do bedtime, to give you that break. You swear that you will never take that for granted again. And you put plans into place to help you during those hectic nighttime hours with your children.

deployments with children

You have to find a babysitter for everything

When my husband was home, he could always be there with the kids if I had somewhere to go during the weekends. If I had a ladies, night, I just needed to let him know. If friends wanted to meet for lunch on a Saturday, I would just let him know of my plans. If I wanted to run to the store for three items, I could do so without my children.

Once my husband left, that became an issue. If I wanted to do any of those things, I had to find a babysitter. Luckily I was able to find friends to help, I was able to use hourly care, and was able to find other ways to have someone watch my children when I needed to be somewhere, most of the time.

You have to take them all with you to shop

Shopping with all of your children can be very stressful. During deployments, you most likely have to take all of your kids with you to shop, at least some of the time. If you have children in a preschool program or can use hourly care, that can be the perfect time to do your shopping.

If you do need to take them all with you, make sure you do go over the rules and try to make the experience as easy as you can. Doing things like using a sling for a baby and put the toddler in the front of the cart so that you can free up space for the food you need can help you have a better experience. In the past, I have also traded babysitting with a friend so that we could both get our grocery shopping done quickly and without our kids.

Your children miss their parent too

While you are missing your spouse, your kids are missing their mom and dad, and when that happens, you might not know what to do to help them. Sometimes all you can do is hold them while they cry and let them know that the other parent is missing them too. Tools such as Daddy Dolls and having your spouse read books over video to them can help children during a deployment.

Know that different children will handle deployments differently, even within the same family. You might have one child who seems to take it all in stride and another who breaks down over the deployment every day. Figure out what will work for each child and do your best to remind them that the both you and the deployed parent love them very much.

Deployments

Your spouse misses out on milestones

Whether it is your daughter taking her first steps or your son learning to talk, having your spouse miss milestones can be difficult. You can take photos and videos to share, but that isn’t the same. The best thing you can do is to write down when they things happen and share with your spouse and know that they will be home to experience other milestones in the future.

Things can be weird when they come back

When your spouse does get home from a deployment, parenting together can be strong. If your spouse left a 6-month-old who was barely starting to crawl and then comes home to an active toddler, things can be a little overwhelming for them. Even more than that, you probably have developed your routines and the way you do things with your child.

The best thing to do is talk about what life will be like for your children after they get back. You can go over expectations and the little details of having a child the age that you do before they come home. See if it would help your spouse to have you write out your regular schedule but also make room for them to add their way of parenting to your routines.

You should see eye to eye on the big parenting topics, but it is okay to do things a little differently when it comes to parenting your children. This naturally happens when both spouses are home as the child grows but can seem weird when one has been away for a long time.

When it comes to deployments and small children, you do the best that you can, you live each day as fully as you can, and you count down to the days when your solo parenting will come to an end.

What are your best tips for raising small children during a deployment?

The Deployment Dread

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The Deployment Dread

Deployments! There was a period when deployments were my life. My husband was either preparing for a deployment, away on deployment, or newly home from one. It seemed like as soon as we had a few weeks together, they were talking about the next one.

This was exhausting!

Always feeling like I had to be prepared for a deployment started to get to me. That deployment dread, I hated feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way. But I also didn’t want to forget what was ahead.

This deployment dread is that pit in your stomach when you hear about your spouse going overseas.

The Deployment Dread

It is when you hear a name of a country on the news and realize that is where they could be headed. Deployment dread is recognizing that they are going to miss your son’s next birthday or the start of a new school year.

Deployment dread is not a good thing to have. But what can do you do about it? Here are some ideas!

Remember the benefits

Remember that there are benefits to a deployment. Some are financial, and some are emotional. Although most spouses would prefer their spouse not deploy, doing so can bring about positive changes in your home.

From paying off debt to your spouse being able to move ahead in their career. If you can focus on these things more than what they will be missing, dealing with the deployment dread will be easier.

The Deployment Dread

Focus on you

When you start to worry about the upcoming deployment, try to focus on yourself instead. What do you need to work on personally? What will you work on when they are gone?

For some this means going back to school, for others, this means working on a weight loss goal or even reorganizing their home. When you can come up with a list of deployment goals, you have something to focus on and get excited about even if your spouse is going to be away.

Enjoy your time together

Don’t turn the time you have together until the deployment starts into a depressing time. You will have break downs about a possible future deployment but overall, focus on spending time together. Make plans, have family time, go on dates, and talk about what you guys will do to connect the next time they have to go.

During the pre-deployment period, you might argue more than usual. This is normal but try not to let the arguing be your focus. Both of you are stressed because things could change soon. Work hard to make those memories together and enjoy all the time that you have before they have to go.

The Deployment Dread

Remember, this too shall pass

Whatever is ahead of you, remember, you will get through it. Time will pass. Days will go by. And no matter how hard things seem, you will make it through the deployment. Life is filled with ups and downs. Some years will be better than others. Deployment years are going to be more challenging than nondeployment years.

Sometimes the deployment dread can be a lot worse than when they actually leave for deployment. There are a lot of fears associated with a deployment. Some of them are valid, and some of them are not. Keep in mind that your upcoming deployment will probably surprise you, and at the end, you will look back and be amazed at what you have done.

The Deployment Dread

Connect with others

Find other military spouses to connect with. Whenever the deployment dread hits you, make plans with a friend or put something on the calendar where you can get out and meet people. Walking through the pre-deployment season with other spouses who understand will help you more than you realize.

Other spouses have been through this before and can give you good advice a long the way. And then, when the deployment starts, you will have people to depend on. You can help one another out, no matter how long the deployment might be.

Do you struggle with worrying about the next deployment even if there isn’t one on the calendar? How do you deal with it?

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

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No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

I am not sure when my husband will deploy again. During our last deployment, I thought that would be our last one. Then he joined the National Guard. And although we have not experienced a deployment with the National Guard yet, that could happen. So I have to think ahead and prepare myself.

When I think about him deploying again, I get that nervous feeling in my stomach. Even though I have been through deployments before, the next one will be completely different. My boys will be different ages; we will be in a different type of situation, he could end up going to a different type of place.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You see, each deployment is its own experience.

Your first deployment might not be your hardest, your shortest deployment might prove to be harder than any other deployment. As most seasoned military spouses know, you never quite get used to having your spouse live away from you, in a war zone, fighting for our country.

Just because you have been through a deployment before, it doesn’t mean that you have every future deployment under control and that they won’t challenge you, because they will.

And although you will never truly get used to them leaving every so often, you will learn better how to get through those times apart.

You will figure out what works best for you and your family.

You will learn if counting down the days works for you or if you should just count down the months instead.

You will figure out how to stay busy, even if how you choose to do so changes during each deployment. You will learn about resilience, patience, and how to be more independent.

You will learn how to mow the lawn, take your kids to all their sports events alone, and how to stay sane when you feel anything but.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You will figure out that what works for you for this deployment, might not work for you for the next deployment and could be entirely different from what works for your neighbor for her deployment.

You will figure out how to find people to get through the deployment with, even if that feels overwhelming at certain duty stations.

You will understand what your spouse needs from you while they are gone, whether that is a care package once a week or just to offer a listening ear when they call.

Over the years as a military spouse, you will figure out how to cope during deployments. You have to. If you don’t, you would never be able to make it through.

You will never get used to watching your spouse walk away, you will never get used to those lonely nights, and having to be both mom and dad to your kids. 

You will never get used to that last kiss, that last hug, and that last goodbye.

Your tears will always come, the first day will always be hard, and you will always wish that they didn’t have to go.

This is a good thing. This means that your spouse is someone special. That their presence in your home is a welcome one. That them being gone is not the norm, even if you understand why they have to go. That when they return, you will put the pieces back together and can be a full family once again.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, you never get used to deployments, but you can find support and rock the heck out of any deployment you will have to go through.

Although you start off feeling like a huge weight has been put on you, you will figure out how to lessen the stress and be able to find ways to thrive during your time apart. As the days go by, you will find yourself getting to a place where the deployment feels more manageable. Where you can see how you are going to get through the deployment, and how you can make the best of the situation.

How many deployments have you been through?