Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse

Oh, Afghanistan…

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Oh, Afghanistan…

I see you. I see you in the news. I am not sure how to feel.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The place my husband has been, where so many men and women have had to go over the years.

Oh, Afghanistan…

A place that has been so much a part of my world for so very long. A place I really don’t know too much about myself.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The deployments, the endless deployments to ensure America’s freedom. The endless deployments, as we military families stay behind and hope and pray. The endless deployments, ones that didn’t bring all of our men and women home.

As I log onto Facebook this morning, I see so many thoughts and opinions about what is going on. People asking for prayers. People asking for understanding. People who are angry.

I feel weird even thinking about how to respond. I feel weird even having an opinion on it all. I wasn’t the one that went there. I wasn’t the one that put on that uniform.

But then I remember. I remember when my husband left for Afghanistan when our baby was two months old. I remember not knowing if he would be back a few months later or in over a year or even if at all.

I remember when he had to go again a few years later. During a time that hit me hard. During a time when I felt at my lowest and needed a husband by my side.

But he wore the uniform. And he went where he was told to go. I couldn’t even get to the point where I could decide if Afghanistan was worth it. He was serving our country. He was doing his part.

I have to leave that to the other people. To those, we vote into office. To the American people who make those votes. To those who have more power over the situation than I will ever have.

As a military spouse, I can’t nitpick a reason why my husband had to go away. I can’t overthink if everything we had to give up to do so was worth the sacrifice. I just can’t and I won’t. My brain won’t let me do that.

As a military spouse, Afghanistan was where my husband had to go. Just like Iraq was where he had to go. They are deployments. They are “downrange” and filled with so much emotion when we say their names.

Oh, Afghanistan…these last 20 years. Have they been in vain? Have they all been for nothing? I sure hope not.

I sure hope that in these last 20 years, good has been done. I sure hope that in these last 20 years, there has truly been a fight for freedom. I sure hope that the time and the money and the sacrifice has been worth it.

I have to believe it. I can’t think that it wasn’t.

As we turn on the news and it seems that everything is falling away, I hope we can remember what was accomplished. I hope we can truly see the good that was done.

There is so much blame. Who is really at fault?

We have questions. So many questions. As I watch some of the children of the men my husband first deployed with put on the uniform too. As I know my own children are just a few years away from being old enough to do the same. I wonder why this has become a multi-generational war?

We have questions. Should we have not pulled out? Should we have stayed longer? Maybe a few more years?

Or maybe we should have left years ago? Maybe there was a better time to do so?

And as we are living in the middle of this pandemic that doesn’t want to end, as we are living with so many other frustrations, is this yet another one we will have to add to our list of things to worry about?

Us military families, what happens in the news can and does hit us hard. Will this hit us hard? Will this mean more deployments? Will this mean longer deployments?

We know in our hearts how much Afghanistan has turned our lives upside down. We know how much pain some of our service members are in because of it. And we worry that what is going on now will cause feelings of defeat or that the military sacrifices don’t matter.

We post 9/11 military families have been through so very much. We have said goodbye way too many times. And at this point, we are wondering what will be next?

Oh, Afghanistan…these are just the words of one military spouse. One who loves and cares. And is trying to make sense out of it all.

Just Another Deployment Night

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It’s another deployment night when the sun fades away, and the lights go on, and we are reminded of the distance.

They have been gone a while, too long really, and yet the days on the calendar don’t want to turn as quickly as we hope they would.

No one is coming home for dinner, no one is going to be there to help with the kids, no one will be there to snuggle with once they go to bed. Those are things that will have to wait. Wait until the deployment is over.

It’s another deployment night, a time to reflect, and figure out what we can do to better ourselves. There are fewer distractions, and time to journal, and to work on our own goals.

As military spouses, we so often have to give up a dream. Or two dreams. Or three.

But a deployment can be a time to figure what chasing our dreams during military life is really going to look like. What we can do vs what we can’t. What will work, and what do we truly want to do.

But even so, even with more time to breathe, we can feel the overwhelm that the deployment brings. We can feel the pressure of having to do all the things, for all the people. The feeling of never being able to have the energy to get our to-do list done.

It’s another deployment night, and as you look at the empty side of the bed, you can’t help but think of all the things you miss about them. Their smile. Their laugh. The way you love to do life with them.

You think about all that will happen when they come home. You worry a bit too, not sure how the transition will go. You two have been living separate lives, and they will be dealing with all the deployment brought.

Still, you think about how once they do get home, you won’t have to miss their smile anymore. They will be laughing alongside you again, and you will get back to making those memories that you hold near and dear.

As the sun goes down on another deployment night, you won’t how many more deployments or separations you might have in the future. You pray you get a big long break between this one and the next. But you know no matter how long they will be home, the time will never be long enough.

You find a new series to watch on Netflix or Hulu, hoping that diving into a new fictional world will make the nights not seem too long. And that works, until it doesn’t. But you keep on trying because you have to stay busy and you have to keep your mind going.

You grab your calendar, trying to find fun things to do. You want to stay busy, but sometimes you just don’t want to have to do anything. Still, you know staying busy is important. Time will go faster that way.

Days pass, nights pass, and you finally find yourself towards the end. 30 days to go…20, now 10. This deployment is almost over. Through all the days apart. Through the long deployment nights. The end is in sight, and all you can think is, wow, I did it. I made it through this deployment.

The deployment part of military life is never easy. Yet deployments come, whether we are ready for them or not. The best thing to do is find ways to get through a deployment, even if that is one day at a time. Take a look at my other deployment blog posts for more ideas and encouragement on getting through a deployment.

Leaving For a Deployment: a Long and Sad Day

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Happy to have this guest post by Kassie on the day her husband left for deployment. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Leaving For a Deployment: a Long and Sad Day

What a long, long, and sad day.  

I haven’t felt this heartbroken in almost 10 years. That was his last deployment. Now we face another.

For a whole year. A whole damn year. With no visits home like before. And now with 4 kids.

I could scream. But I cry. Hard. Uncontrollable. On the floor. Hidden in my closet. Away from our kids who I am supposed to be so strong far. I can’t fake it. So I hide. 

I can’t stand to see my kids so upset. It breaks me to see our 16-year-old beauty so devastated to go through this for the 3rd time.

Our 8-year-old holds his sadness so tight inside. He only shows me watery eyes as he twists his tongue to avoid his pain.

Our 6-year-old, gosh. She asks so many questions. My answers make her sadder. And she cries more.

Our little one-year-old. The one I thought I could protect emotionally because she’s too young to understand, right? No, she understands. Going from room to room looking for “dada.” Even the dog is sad. She hasn’t moved from our bed since 5 am this morning. When he left. 

I don’t have many pictures to post. I didn’t take very many….. I know, I know….. memories! Trust me, I don’t need pictures to ever remember how terribly crushed my kids were to tell their dad goodbye.

Their tear-stained faces won’t ever be forgotten. I don’t need pics to remember how foggy my mind was driving at 5 am to where we would split our hearts in half.

I didn’t need pictures to remember the chest pains I had as he got on that bus. That infamous bus. It has become my frienemy over the years. 

After we parted ways, I came home. With half a heart.

All his stuff is just there. His shirt hanging off the tub. His half-tied running shoes. His toothpaste with the cap off. His body towel is on the floor near the shower. His deodorant on his counter that I love the smell of. All that crushed me. 

It’s my 3rd rodeo. I know how this all goes. It doesn’t make it easier. I know it will get better. Just feels like my heart will literally shatter any minute. 

What a long, long and sad day.

Hey there! My name is Kassie. Superhero by day and tired by 730 at night. I’m a self-proclaimed comedian and a #BadMomOf4. We’ve been a Louisiana Army family for 20 yrs plus. My sweetheart is a Major and I’m just a major pain and our kids are majorly cute. See what I did there?? K, byeeeeeeee. https://www.facebook.com/kassie.jo.broussard

Going through a deployment? Make sure to check out my other deployment blog posts here!

How You Know You Are a Military Spouse

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How you know you are a military spouse

How You Know You Are a Military Spouse

Here is how you know you are a military spouse…

When you have no idea when you will see your spouse again, it could be May; it could be September, who knows?

When you have no idea what your spouse’s co-worker’s first names are.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you are up for any adventure, even though it scares you to death.

When you always have two IDs on you, military and your driver’s license.

When your driver’s license is not for the state you live in, and your license plate doesn’t match either.

How you know you are a military spouse

When a two-week training is a fun time to catch up on Call the Midwife and not a big deal compared to all the other times you have had to be apart.

When your grocery shopping plans are based on the 1st and the 15th and if you feel brave enough to go to the commissary on those days.

When you only write dates down in your planner in pencil, because you know they will always change.

When you laugh at the thought of going out to dinner with you friends and putting your phones away. That would never work in your military spouse circles.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you get excited to find out a friend from two duty stations ago is moving to your current installation.

When you can’t bring up the FRG without hearing about how wonderful it can be and how horrible it can be, by different people.

When the “sandbox” has nothing to do with the place your kids play when you are at the park.

When 21:00 or 14:30 is not confusing to you.

When you know that saying goodbye won’t ever get any easier.

When you have curtains that won’t fit on any of your windows, but you can’t get rid of them because you are moving next summer, and they could work in your new home.

When your future depends on one person signing a piece of paperwork in a timely manner.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you say, “see you later” even if you worry you might not see that person again. Saying, “goodbye” would be harder.

When you have given birth without your husband at least once or have ever had the worry that you might have to do so.

When you love wine, coffee, and diet Dr. Pepper, or at least two of the three.

When your life is very different than you ever thought it would be.

When you have been asked at least once if your life is like they show on Army Wives.

When none of your children have been born in the same state.

When none of your children have been born in the same country.

how you know you are a military spouse

When “war” means so much more than just what you read about in the history books.

When the thought of giving up Facebook makes you cringe since most of your family and friends do not live near you.

When you don’t know what it is like to live near your family.

When you know the difference between MWR, DEERS, and PCS.

When you are super thankful for any military discount a company is willing to give out.

When you realize you are a part of an incredible group of people, who also understand what it is like to miss someone so much, to give up so much, and to be the people who support those that have volunteered to serve our country and keep it safe.

What would you add to this list???

15 Lessons After 15 Years As a Military Spouse

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I just renewed my passport. I have no plans to travel internationally anytime in the near future, but if I didn’t renew soon, I would have to start the process over. This blows me away a little bit. It doesn’t seem like it was too long ago that I was waiting not so patiently for my first passport to come in the mail. But that was in early 2006, 15 years ago.

How has it been 15 years since my son and I flew over to Germany to join my husband on our Army adventure? So much has happened since the day he rejoined the Army. I have grown so much and learned so many lessons over the years.

Over the years, you can’t help but learn more about yourself, and military life in general. Lessons that will help you in the future, or as you start a new military life journey. Here is a list of 15 lessons I have learned during my 15 years as a military spouse:

  1. Don’t trust timelines. Seriously don’t. Hope for the best and expect the worst.

When my husband first joined and got orders to Germany, we were told we could join him over there in about a month. Nope. Luckily, I had a sense joining him overseas would take a bit longer than that.

2. Make new friends. Seriously…do it. You will need them.

Whether you are going through a deployment, or just need to vent about something another military spouse would understand, make new friends, however you can.

3. Your duty station is what you make of it.

I know, some duty stations are better than others. How can you compare Monterey with Fort Polk, but the truth is, there is a lot you can do to turn things around at a not-so-ideal duty station.

Find a friend group, look for fun things to do, and try to focus on what your current duty station has to offer. I know that doing that is hard sometimes, but it is better than feeling stuck or like you just can’t wait to get out of a place that you really can’t leave for a few more years.

4. Try the FRG. Try the spouse group. You never know.

I know, I know, these types of groups can have a bad reputation. But why not try them at least once? You might not like it, you might never go back, but maybe just maybe this can be a way to find some friends, and get to know a little bit more about what to expect during military life.

5. You don’t have to give up on your dreams.

I was mom of two small boys, bored in Germany, so I started a blog. And the blog grew. And I kept writing, and the blog grew even more. And because of that blog I now have a freelancing career and so many amazing opportunities coming my way.

Find ways to work on your own dreams whatever they might be. You can go to school during military life, you can work your own career, or start a business. The sky is the limit, never forget that.

6. Not all children need the same things

Let’s face it, military life can be really difficult for our children. They might not always understand what is going on or why their parent has to be away. And there is so much good advice out there.

However, what works for one kid might not work for another. What bothers one child might not bother another. So figure out what your own child needs, and find ways to help them, instead of feeling like you have to follow a specific checklist.

8) Get off your duty station

No matter where you are, get off your duty station. Go exploring. Take a walk. Take a hike. See the sights.

If you are overseas, you might not ever be back in that country again. See what is out there and take advantage of the time you have. You will be so glad you did.

9) Journal it all

I strongly recommend journaling for anyone going through a deployment or a difficult time. This will help you get everything out. This will help you find more peace.

Don’t know where to start? Find a journal, and just start writing. Even if it doesn’t make any sense. Just get the words out there.

10) Love letters are the best

We have love letters from my grandparents, saved from World War II. Those letters give me a picture of their lives. What that time was like for them and what they went through being apart for three years.

I cherish all the letters I have gotten from my husband over the years, even the small postcards that said, “thinking of you.”

11. Not everyone is going to understand

The truth is, not everyone is going to understand the decision to join the military or even decisions about when you will come home to visit or where you are moving to.

You have to do what is right for your military family and create those boundaries. Even people who love you very much might get upset over how you choose to handle homecoming. Be clear about expectations and let people know that this decision is what is best for your family.

12. You never stop learning and adjusting

No matter how many years you have hit as a military spouse, there is always something new to learn. I am still trying to figure things out.

Whether you are worried about how a deployment will go or how to handle being so far from family. Military spouse life is a learning experience. Take what you have been through and use it to help you in the future.

13. You won’t keep in touch with everyone…and that’s okay

Saying goodbye to friends is never easy. I like to say, “see you later” instead. But the reality is, you might not stay in touch with everyone.

But I think that is just a part of life. Some people move and you still connect with them, even on a daily basis. Others, fade into memories.

14. You can be the military spouse you want to be

Don’t like to send care packages? That’s fine! Don’t ever want to live on post? Go you! As military spouses it can be easy to be pigeonholed into the “perfect military spouse” but the truth is, you can be the military spouse you want to be.

You do you. It’s so important that you do. And trust me, there are probably other military spouses out there that feel the same way about things that you do.

15. The military world is a small world

I was taking my boys to a garage sale on post when I heard someone in a van shout, “Julie?” I turned around and it was a friend of mine from Germany. Her husband just got stationed at Fort Campbell too. It was so great to see her and reconnect our friendship during her time here.

That is what I love about military spouse life. The world is small. And you might just end up with friends from a previous duty station back in your life again.

How long have you been a military spouse and what are the biggest lessons you have learned?

What Military Spouses Can Learn From Martin Luther King Jr.

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What Military Spouses Can Learn From Martin Luther King Jr.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day. A day to stop and remember this man, and what he stood for. A Day to stop and think about what his actions did to work towards the change that was so badly needed. A Day to serve and help others, to continue what he stood for.

Martin Luther King knew what freedom meant and that not everyone was being treated equally. He changed history for the better and he will always be remembered. We can learn so much from his words, to help our country, and ourselves.

Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 5

By Herman Hiller / New York World-Telegram & Sun [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

As we think of Martin Luther King Jr. today, I thought it would be interesting to look at some of his quotes and see how we, as military spouses can apply them to our own lives. How we can be better people, based on things he has said.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” 

When we start a new deployment or PCS to a new location, we have to have faith that we can get through it. We have to have faith that we will make things work for ourselves. Even if we can’t see how we will actually do so.

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

It’s so important for us as military spouses to be aware of our racial biases and work through them. To stop and listen to others that may have walked a different road. And to work towards King’s dream, in our own everyday lives.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” 

Sometimes we are crawling through this life and other days we are flying. The point is, keep moving forward, no matter how fast or slow you are going. One day at a time.

Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS 4

By New York World-Telegram and the Sun staff photographer: Albertin, Walter, photographer. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: Only love can do that.”

Hate can tear communities apart. Love brings them together. Even if you don’t get along with someone, even if they are not your cup of tea, hate is never going to make things better. As a military spouse community, we need to be bringing each other up, not tearing one another down.

“Everybody can be great … because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” 

Such a great reminder that you don’t have to have x, y, and z to help other people. This can apply to so many things, from volunteering for the FRG to being a supportive spouse while your loved one is away.

Martin-Luther-King-1964-leaning-on-a-lectern

By Trikosko, Marion S. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” 

Being able to forgive will help you go far in the military world. From your neighbors to your coworkers, to the other spouses you meet along the way. Not everyone will act the way we hope they would and being able to forgive will help you have a better experience.

“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.” 

This is so true for everyone but in the military world, disappointment can happen on a regular basis. The key is making lemonade out of the situation and not losing hope.

“No person has the right to rain on your dreams.”

Whatever your dreams are, whatever you have planned, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Push through, make it work, and get creative.

As we think about Martin Luther King Jr. today, as we think about what he set forth to do, all that he accomplished, and what he hoped for, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We often say, if we were around during those years, we would have been on the side of justice. But the truth is, we can still be on the side of justice today. We can be kind to those we meet, we can stick up for one another, and through that, our own communities will become a better place.

Just Keep Swimming Military Spouse, Just Keep Swimming

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Just Keep Swimming Military Spouse, Just Keep Swimming

I was on my high school swim team, all four years. I had a love/hate relationship with it. For most of my high school years, the practice was at 5:45 in the mornings. Diving into the pool that early in the morning was so tough most days. And then there was the workout.

We practiced for over an hour. Lap after lap after lap. Often we would be required to do 20 laps at a time. As anyone who works out on a regular basis knows, you have to figure out how to get to the end of your workout, and that isn’t easy.

After practice was over, I would climb out of the pool and feel amazing. We would shower, get dressed, and head to class, having already done our workout for the day.

Often during my husband’s deployments, I think back to my swim team experience. Swimming was difficult. I was not a super-fast swimmer naturally and even had a few Olympic swimmers on our team. We worked hard, all season long.

But just like a deployment, as good as climbing out of the pool felt, diving in to get started was so hard.

Even though I had done it before. During that pre-deployment period, there are so many fears.

Will it be as hard as I think it will be?

Will he come home to me?

Will he come home the same person?

As the date gets closer, everything becomes a lot more real. And that day you have to say goodbye for the deployment? Everything seems a bit surreal.

But then you dive in…

And just like I did in the pool so many years ago, you start your “swim.” You start your deployment; you start moving forward. Because you know you can’t stay on the side. You know you have to start. You know you have to dive in.

As you get going with your deployment, you will probably feel a wide range of emotions.

Some days are going to be difficult and others a little easier. You might go a few weeks feeling like you got this and then hit a period of time when you feel like you can’t. The important thing is to “just keep swimming.” You just have to keep going.

I would often try to think about all the things going on in my life while I was swimming my laps. I would try to think of all the things I wanted to do in the future. I used that time to focus on myself as my body did the work to get through my workout.

During deployment, I use that time to work on myself. To become a better person. To reflect on who I am and where I am going. To work through any struggles and power through.

As the deployment comes to a close, time can stand still at times.

The days don’t seem like they are moving. But when this happens, you just have to “keep swimming.” You just have to keep going to get to the finish line.

If you are in a season of deployment right now, remember to “just keep swimming.” That might look like making more plans with friends, going to visit family, or starting something new. Even if some of these things are on hold because of what is happening in the world right now. As the days go by, celebrate what you have accomplished.

I could give you a list of things to do to stay busy during a deployment, but in the end, your mindset is going to help you get through your deployment. You don’t have to be happy about the deployment or greet each day with joy, your spouse is gone, and that is a sad and difficult thing.

Reminding yourself to keep going, that you can get through this, will go a long way in helping you do just that.

Just keep swimming military spouse, just keep swimming!

This is Your Military Life

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“I could re-join the Army,” he told me one day. We had been trying to figure out what he should do career-wise. What change he should make.

“Hmm…I don’t know about that,” I told him. “I’m not sure about that, we have a kid now.”

Back then, I couldn’t imagine a reality where I was home with my son and my husband was far away for months at a time. It just didn’t seem real. That type of life didn’t seem possible.

I laugh about that now. I think about all the solo parenting I have done over the years and what I thought was impossible, was very possible.

And that is one of the biggest things about military life. One of the biggest lessons you will learn. That you can do what you thought you couldn’t.

Maybe you will PCS overseas by yourself with a toddler, never having imagined that your first flight to Europe would look like that.

Maybe you will go through your first deployment in a brand new state, one you never thought you would ever visit, let alone live in, so many miles from home.

Maybe you will encounter the most difficult of days, and get through to the other side, wondering where you found the strength.

I strongly believe that through everything you go through as a military spouse, there will be a lesson there. Lessons you might not see right away. Lessons that might take some time to understand.

As hard as the deployments might be, you find ways to get through them. One day at a time.

You find your people, even if that takes longer than you would like. Even if that means having to say goodbye later on. You find people who will become your best friends, and you can go through this life together, even if you are miles away.

Even after 15 years, I still have my super frustrating days with the military. This summer, trips were canceled because of Guard duties. I kept trying to tell myself that this was all apart of this life, but doing that is easier said than done.

In between deployments, with no moves on the horizon, life can be pretty “normal” sometimes. You can get so used to military life just going along with your own life, without too many hiccups.

Your spouse gets home at a regular time, you enjoy the weekends together, and life just goes on. And then…orders come, or you hear rumors of deployments, and you are reminded that this is a military life. That you are a military family.

There is so much deployment advice out there. From staying busy to making friends, to trying not to sweat the small stuff. Sometimes all of that will work, and other times it won’t.

You might find yourself struggling more than everyone else. You might find yourself wondering how you can get through the next week of deployment, let alone the six months you have left. You can find yourself wishing for another type of life.

I get inspired by seasoned spouses. Those who have been doing this even longer than I have. They have so much wisdom for those of us in the weeds.

They have been there, pcsing with small children, back to back deployments, and always having to say goodbye to people they care about.

They have been there and can comfort and support when you are feeling down or unsure how the future will go.

Not everyone’s military journey looks the same. We all will go down different paths. But the military community is here for each other.

While not everyone you meet during this life will be supportive, I assure you most of us will be. We can lend a helping hand or a listening ear. We can tell you what worked for us, and what didn’t. And we can help each other through.

No matter how long you have been a military spouse, no matter how many deployments you have to go through or how many PCS moves you will make, remember, this is your military life.

This is the path you are on and you are stronger than you realize. You might not always feel that way, I certainly don’t, but time will show you that you are. The military life isn’t always easy, but it’s yours. Every step of the way.