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Finding Your Place, In the Military Spouse World

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Finding Your Place, In the Military Spouse World

We have all been the newbie military spouse. The one who really didn’t know how to navigate this life. The one who had all the questions.

But as time goes on, as you go through a deployment or two, have a PCS under your belt, you realize you are no longer the newest military spouse on the block. You realize that you actually have the advice to offer and you are working to find out your place.

Now you are trying to figure out your place in the military spouse community.

How involved do you want to be in the military spouse community? What can you offer? How do you make sure you are not ignoring your own dreams during military life?

The truth is, finding your place in the military spouse world depends on so many things. From where you are first stationed to what you left behind when your service member joined or when you married them. It depends on the goals you have for yourself, and how involved the military is in your life as you try to achieve them. And this isn’t the same for everyone.

As a new military spouse, I arrived in Germany with an 18-month-old and got pregnant again right away. I was trying to navigate military life as a SAHM in a 3rd-floor stairwell apartment in Germany. My life was pretty much 100% little kids and military, without much room for anything else. The military was in charge of so much of my life.

Moving back to the US four years later, we finally had a little more space between us and the military. Choosing to live off post allowed us a little more space as well as simply being stationed in the U.S. versus overseas. It’s just a very different type of military experience.

Finding your place in the military spouse world is going to be so different depending on who you are and your own experiences.

There are different “roles” you might find yourself in. And you may or may not want to stay there. They might not be a good fit.

The truth is, finding your place in the military spouse world is all about what you feel comfortable with. Some military spouses want to be as involved as possible. They volunteer for the FRG or other on post events. They seem to know a lot about military life and can direct you if you have a question or tell you where you can go to get an answer.

Other military spouses take a back seat to the military world. They stay away from post as much as possible. They work, live, and spend their free time away from the military. They have more of a hands-off as much as possible approach.

And then, there is everyone in between. The reality is, there is no right answer on how to military spouse. You should be involved as much you want to be or as little as you want to be. And your spouse’s rank shouldn’t even be a factor.

We, military spouses, should never feel like we have to run an FRG meeting or set up a spouse’s group. We should do so because we have a desire to do so. We should do so because that is what we want to do, not because it is expected of us.

We, military spouses, have the right to focus solely on our careers. Solely on our children and homes. Or solely on both without worrying too much about the role of the military in our lives. Doing so isn’t for everyone.

We, military spouses, have to find our place, and we get to decide how involved we want to be.

We get to choose, and being able to choose leads to a healthier military spouse community.

I am so thankful for the military spouses who have stepped up. So many have come before us and have said, “no, this isn’t okay” and they work to change things. I am so thankful that the military spouse norm of the past isn’t the norm anymore. That we have so much more freedom than previous generations.

But, will the military itself catch up to modern times? What can change to make a better military life balance for everyone? Both spouse and service member?

Even though I live by a large Army installation, most of my interactions with other military spouses seem to be online these days. Maybe this is due to the pandemic, or maybe just the way modern life is. As modern military spouses, you can reach out to anyone from the comfort of your own homes.

The military community is online, with so many resources at our fingertips.

We no longer have to attend an in-person event in order to get that information we might need to thrive in our military spouse life. We can connect to other spouses, through Facebook groups, TikTok accounts, and Instagram.

We can share our stories and know they will be seen by military spouses worldwide. We can offer advice to a spouse in another branch, stationed somewhere we will never go. The world is truly changing.

Military spouses have always been about community, and there have always been roles for us within that community. But things are changing, and what worked 10-15 years ago, might not work today. Modern military spouses are able to focus more on their own goals and are not as held back because of the military.

Hopefully, no matter how long you have been a military spouse, you are able to figure out where you fit within the military spouse community. And hopefully, whatever your choose to do, no matter how involved you want to be, it is respected. By other spouses, by your service member, and the bigger military as a whole.

How did you find your place within the military spouse world?

Missing You, On Christmas

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Missing You, On Christmas

Another Christmas and yet you are gone, across the ocean, serving our country.

We knew this was a part of the deal, and yet, that doesn’t make it any easier. You are gone, away from us, and all we want for Christmas is you.

As the days get closer to the 25th, my heart feels a little less thrilled with the idea that we are so far away from one another. There is something about this holiday, more than any other, that you should be home for. And yet I know, the military doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I know as a military spouse, just because I want them to be home doesn’t mean they will be. Just because I think they should be home, doesn’t mean they can be. I have to go with the flow, even if that flow hurts.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I can’t help but hold back a tear. I can’t help but think about the year before when you were here for all this. When you were right by my side as we decided on where each ornament should go.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I think about how hopefully you will be with us next year, and the year after, and the one after that. I hope and pray you never have to be over there during Christmas again. But how realistic is that type of prayer?

As I start to buy presents for our young children, I think about how you won’t be there to see them open them. To see the joy on their faces, and hear them laugh and get excited about Christmas morning.

I think about how I will make sure to record everything so that you don’t miss a thing, but you will anyway. That is just how it is. A million photos never make up for being there, no matter how many you take.

I think about how on Christmas Eve, it will just be me getting everything together. It will just be me putting the kids to bed in their cute Christmas PJs, and just me making sure the cookies and milk are out for Santa. It will just be me pouring some eggnog and watching a Christmas movie late into the night.

We will be missing you on Christmas.

As a military family, we have missed you so many times over the years. You have missed birthdays and anniversaries, and all the little things that make life special. And yet, I can’t help be feel like this is the road we have to be on. That you are a soldier, and I choose to follow you, even if it meant a Christmas away from you. Even if it meant missing you.

I think about how much you have given to this country. And how much more you will give. There will be more times apart, and more Christmases spent in different time zones.

But as I think about missing you on Christmas, I also think about how we can get through this, just like we have before.

You won’t be here for Christmas day, but we will be thinking of one another all the same. That is what we military families do. That is all we can really do when we are hit with missing each other so much.

Christmas won’t be the same, it can’t be, you are not here. But Christmas can still be special and we can still make some memories.

We are missing you on Christmas, as you are missing us. But we will get through this time apart. We always do and make it to the other side.

What To Look For In A Military Spouse BFF

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What To Look For In A Military Spouse BFF

As a new Army wife, I didn’t know a whole lot about the military lifestyle. Sure, I knew the basics, but standing at our first duty station in Schweinfurt, Germany, I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I can remember standing there, watching a group of soldiers going by, and knowing everything had changed for us.

I was lucky though. Within those first months of being an Army wife in Germany, I found friends. I found other spouses who not only knew what military life was like but going through the same thing I was. We were all getting ready for a deployment, the first deployment for many of us, and we knew we could do it together.

I honestly am not sure what I would have done or how I could have gotten through that deployment without my military spouse friends. Although things were not always perfect, and there was drama, of course, there was drama, having people to go through a deployment with helped us all make it through what would turn out to be one of the longest deployments.

Over the years, I have made friends at every step of the way. From my best friend in Germany to my current circle here at Fort Campbell. From military spouse bloggers to some of the amazing people I have met through blogging and social media in all parts of the world.

I know for me, finding friends is the easy part. Finding best friends is not.

Finding best friends takes a lot of work, and yet you can’t force that. You can’t exactly walk up to someone and claim them as your best friend, can you? Best friends just happen sometimes, and even if you like someone else, they might not be the person to fit that role.

So what qualities make up a Military best friend? How do you know they are the one to fit that part of your life?

Here are a few things to think about when you are out there, making new friends: 

That you click

As I look back over my closest friendships, they all have one thing in common. We clicked. Sometimes we click right away. We met, and before we knew it, we were making plans like we had known each other forever.

In other cases, clicking took more time. There isn’t one set way to click with someone else, but once you do, you will know that there is a special friendship forming and that is a good thing.

That your kids get along

It’s hard to find a friend with kids sometimes. Your kids might not get along. You might not get along with their kids. They might not mesh well.

I don’t think all of your friend’s kids have to click with your kids but for a Military spouse BFF, it is an excellent thing to have. You will be spending a lot of time together without your spouses around. You can have sleepovers and go on trips together.

As your kids get older, I think there is more room for friendships that do not involve them, but when your kids are young and tend to always be with you, you tend to come as a full package. A good best friend will be loving towards you and your children.

That you can vent to them

If you have ever been through a deployment, you know that some days you just have to vent. If you can’t do that with someone, it is going to be hard for them to be your buddy during the deployment. You need someone who you can vent to, and that isn’t going to come back with a “suck it up and don’t talk to me about that anymore” type of attitude.

While no one likes it when all someone does is complain about their lives, we all need a safe place to go to let off steam. Whether we are annoyed that our husband can’t seem to put his laundry in the laundry basket or are upset that he is once again going to miss something important, finding friends who let us vent during military life is a good thing.

That you can depend on them

I have a very hard time asking for help, even when I need that help. I want to try to get everything done myself if possible. However, sometimes things happen, and I have to call someone to help me.

Having a best friend to call to help you out and not have it become an awkward situation is a good thing. Whether it is because your child needs to go to the ER, your car breaks down, or you need emergency babysitting help. Knowing you won’t be totally alone when that happens can take a lot of the worry out of a situation.

That you can trust them

The military, especially at the branch level, is a small small world. You will find this to be true when you have been a military spouse for a few years. Your neighbor at Fort Bliss knows your old neighbor from Fort Campbell. You were stationed in Germany with your FRG leader’s best friend. You are reunited with your friend from three duty stations ago, in Italy of all places.

Because of this, it is really important to be able to find people that you can trust. Rumors can get started. Maybe your brother is coming to visit, but all people see is a man coming in and out of your house when your husband is deployed. People are not always honest, and some people do like to start drama. 

When looking for your military spouse best friend, you have to be able to trust them. You don’t want to share your deepest worries to find out that now half of the FRG knows about them. Use caution and be the type of friend you would want to meet yourself.

If all of us can do this, the military spouse world will be a much better place overall.

Making friends is something all Military spouses have to do. There have been times during my husband’s military career when I didn’t feel like I had a good friend circle. And that just made military life a lot harder.

While finding and making those best friends can be difficult at times, working to find them is a good goal. Yes, you might have to put yourself out there more than you are comfortable with. Yes, you might encounter people that just want to be about the drama. Don’t let that stop you. Finding a military spouse best friend will be worth the search.

What do you look for in a military spouse best friend???

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

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Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed, finding time for yourself is a lot more complicated. There is always so much to do. And, there is no way to get it all done.

You hear about practicing self-care, but that doesn’t seem possible at the moment. You are always so tired and are not sure when you could find the time to take a bubble bath or read a book. You know you need to relax but you can’t figure out how at the moment.

Breathe

The truth is, finding time for yourself during a deployment is going to take some planning. If you wait for it naturally to come to you, it probably won’t. You need to take some steps so you can figure out how you can make time for yourself.

The reality is, if you keep going and going and don’t ever stop, you will burn yourself out. You need to figure out how to help yourself, even within a crazy schedule. You need to figure out what works for you.

Self-care is very specific to each person. Some people love to get their nails done. They find doing so very relaxing. I really don’t. It’s just not my thing. But, I would love to sit at a coffee shop for hours with a good book.

The key is finding what you love and what you can do. If you have small children and a deployed spouse, you can’t just leave to go take time to yourself, you have to plan for it.

You might be able to hire a babysitter, trade babysitting with a friend, or take advantage of CDC hours.

You can also find some of that self-care time after your kids go to bed. I did this all the time during our early deployments. I would try to keep to an earlier bedtime for my kids so I had a few hours to myself before I went to bed.

Being able to make that time for myself was a must. I couldn’t imagine not doing so. Being able to somewhat relax recharged me and allowed me to be the best mom I could be, even during a deployment.

Often time, especially us moms, assume we can’t even find time to take a shower or take a short break. The truth is, some seasons will be harder to do so than others, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible to do so.

Our mental health is important, and during a deployment, we have to be really aware of how we are doing emotionally. Many military spouses are going through depression or anxiety, or both. We have to figure out ways to help get through what we are dealing with in a healthy manner.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

Here are some self-care resources to help:

Self-Care for MILSOs Ebook by Mrs. Navy Mama

14 Self-Care Books You Should Definitely Read This Year

Self-Care: 12 Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself

Military Child Care Programs

Let Brave Crate Get You Through a Deployment

See what you can do to change things up and give yourself permission to take time for yourself. You will be so glad you did!

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don’t Want To Leave Where You Are

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6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don’t Want To Leave Where You Are

You love where you live. You have a lovely house, the perfect group of friends, your kids enjoy where you are, and the schools are fantastic. You have already been there for three years, but you are hoping you can stay a little longer.

Then your spouse comes home with orders, to a new duty station, 2,000 miles away.

While some military spouses can’t wait to move and get away from their current duty station, you are not one of them. You would stay put for the rest of your spouse’s career if you could. But sadly, the Army has told you it is time to move on.

The good news is, there are still reasons to be excited about this move. Even if it is to a place you are unsure about, even if it is to a place you don’t want to go.

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

Here are six reasons to be excited about a PCS, even when you don’t want to leave where you are:

1. A chance to start fresh

PCSing is a time to start fresh. While you might not feel like doing so at the moment, having a new start can be a fantastic thing. You can figure out what you want, how you want your life to go, and what you want to focus on in your new location.

2. Declutter time

Moving gives you a big reason to declutter. Get rid of what you no longer need. Have a yard sale or just donate. A PCS is a time to get rid of all that excess stuff you know you don’t need. While you don’t need to move to be able to declutter, moving can get you motivated to focus on it.

3. Make new friends

Making new friends can be hard at times, but so much fun once you find them. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and enjoy making new friends once you move. Saying goodbye to your friends at your current location is going to be difficult, it’s never easy to do, but know that you can always keep in touch, even if you don’t live in the same city anymore.

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

4. Explore another part of the country or world

This is your chance to explore another part of the country or even the world. You will get to experience things you never thought you would. You will be able to see things you never thought you would. Explore your new duty station and enjoy what it has to offer.

5. New house

A new home, whether you live on post or off can be a nice change. You might try to find a different type of housing, or even get a bigger place since you have added a new child to your family. Even if you love your current duty station, you might be ready for a new type of home.

6. Learning experience for all of you

If you are upset about leaving, think of this PCS as a learning experience for you and your children. This PCS will allow you to be more flexible in the future, it will make you step out of your comfort zone, and it will teach you about yourself as well as the world around you. Think of the PCS as a way to grow as a person and try not to let it bring you down.

Whether this is your first PCS or your tenth, don’t be afraid of your next adventure. You never know who you will meet, what you will get to experience, and where the road to that duty station will lead.

Will you be PCSing anytime soon?

How Military Spouses Can Prep For Online Schooling

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This post is sponsored by MedCerts! 

How Military Spouses Can Prep For Online Schooling

After 20 years I decided to go back to school, but I was nervous about doing so. I decided taking an online class would be the best way to get back into school mode after so much time. A lot had changed technology-wise since I had been in college, but these changes only made schooling online a little bit easier.

Many military spouses choose to go to school online. Even before the pandemic, going to school online gave you a bit more flexibility. If you had little ones, and a spouse who was never home, as we military spouses often do, you would still be able to attend class and work on a degree. Going to school online gives you more options.

In order to go to school online, you will need to prep a bit before you get going on your school year.

1) Make sure you have a good space to get your work done. A desk or a table works best. You want to be in the best environment for learning and studying.

2) Make sure you have the right supplies. A dependable computer is a must, but also, make sure to have notebooks, pens and pencils, and anything else you might need before classes start. 

3) Talk with your family about expectations. They will need to understand you will need the time to study and get your work done. Having everyone on board is a must. 

If you are currently wondering how to go back to school as a military spouse, MedCerts is a great option! 

  • MedCerts has been helping military spouses create new career opportunities for over 10 years. They have trained and up-skilled more than 30,000 individuals across the country and partnered with over 1,000 organizations to build talent pipelines.
  • Their programs are completely online which means you can access them from anywhere you might PCS, from Georgia to Germany. You will have 24-hour online access to all course materials and videos. 
  • Most of their programs only take between 4-6 months to complete, which allows you more flexibility to learn online. 
  • MedCerts focuses on certifications in high-demand areas of Allied Healthcare and IT. You can find programs in the healthcare and medical, professional development, and information technology fields. You can find online healthcare, online professional development, and IT certificates. 
  • Most of MedCerts programs can be paid for with MyCAA, which means no money out of pocket. MyCAA is a grant offering $4,000 to military spouses pursuing a certification in a high-demand, portable career. 
  • MedCerts is a top military spouse-friendly school. It was designed by Victory Media, which is the publisher of Military Spouse Magazine. 
  • Who is eligible? Military spouses who are married to active duty members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, or National Guard are eligible. They would need to be in the pay grades of either E1-E5, W1-W2, or O1-O2. For National Guard, and/or AGR members, the sponsor must be on federal Title 10 active duty orders. 
  • Your course materials and exam prep is included, and you can find live one-on-one mentoring support to help you through anything you might have questions about. 
  • When you finish a course you will receive a certificate of completion and a free National certification exam. After certification, they also offer job placement support.

MedCerts can be a good way for military spouses to go back to school online. Qualifying spouses can do so for free, and be able to work on their own careers, even during the crazy of military life. Head on over to MedCerts and sign up to work towards your own goals. 

20 Years of War

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20 years of war

The very last of American troops left Afghanistan yesterday. Just about two weeks before the 20th anniversary of 9/11. 20 years. Why can’t I wrap my mind around that?

20 years is a lifetime for some. 20 years ago, social media wasn’t something we knew anything about. 20 years ago, we had cell phones that made phone calls and that’s about it. 20 years ago, I was a college student, who has just met the love of my life, a veteran who had served in the Army in the 90s.

As the first troops left for Afghanistan, we, the American people had no idea what that would look like. We knew it had to be done. America was attacked. America was in pain. America was grieving.

As those first troops left for Afghanistan, did they know that the babies they left at home would be old enough to fight the same fight, years into the future? Did they know that this was just the beginning of a long time of war? A long time of wishing for peace and not finding it?

My husband has been deployed to Afghanistan twice. I have a video of my young son trying to pronounce where he was. That has been replaying in my brain a lot the last few weeks. Afghanistan, the place the soldiers go. Back then, it was a deployment. It was where he was sent. When the military calls, you go.

As we heard the news last week about the 13 members of the military who were lost in the last days of our time over there, I think back to the past 20 years and all we have lost.

We have lost so many men and women to this fight. So many families will never be together again. So many hurting people.

I wish we could wave a magic wand and never have to deploy any other troops. I wish that another military family would never have to experience that knock or even a call about an injured love one. I wish the terrorism and the hate would go away, and we could live our lives free of all of it.

But I know better. I know that will never be the case. I know that as long as my husband serves in the military, he could be deployed again. To somewhere else.

And America will always have our military. Ready to defend and support. Ready to deploy, to somewhere in the world.

None of us know what the future will bring. Ask the military spouse whose husband joined the military in 2000. They had no idea how things would change for them in the course of just a year or two.

Ask the military spouse who thought she was marrying a civilian. Who is now helping her spouse pack for their first deployment.

Ask the military spouse who assumed she would have her children and raise them down the street from grandma and grandpa, who is now raising them in Japan, or Germany, or in a US city far from home.

When our service member joins the military, or when we marry them, joining them in their military world, we have to understand that they have a sense of duty. And that can be such a hard thing to come to terms with.

They have a duty to go and to serve, or they never would have enlisted in the first place. They have a duty to go, even when we need them back at home. They have a duty to America that sometimes has to come first.

We have to stand by them as they go places we might not think they should go. We have to have their back when they come home and have a hard time processing everything. We are the ones holding everything together as they make their way through the ranks, fighting for our freedom in different types of ways.

After so many years of being a military wife, I can’t imagine what our life would be like without the military in it. The military has formed who we have become as a couple, and as a family. The military has determined what my husband would be around for and what he would miss.

As I watch the children of some of the soldiers I know put on the uniform too, I pray that their time in service is a bit easier. I pray that they will get more breaks to be with family and that the road isn’t so hard. I pray that we have learned from the last 20 years, and know when we are pushing these young men and women too hard.

20 years of war is a heavy thing to come to terms with. 20 years is a long time. Our world has changed so much in that time, for the good and for the bad.

20 years of sending our men and women in uniform.

20 years of wondering if our spouse will be home.

20 years of wondering when they will have to go back again after this deployment is over.

20 years of sending a soldier back overseas after just two weeks at home with his family.

20 years of really hoping that we have done what we could to help stop the spread of terrorism in our world.

20 years of children missing a mom or dad.

20 years of homecomings with welcome home hugs, and kisses, and proposals.

20 years of war.

What will the next 20 years look like?

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

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Happy to have this guest post by Holly. Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station review.

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

I find that the hardest part of my husband being gone is always right at the beginning and then at the end. I always feel “lost” for a few days, adjusting to our new normal without him, and then I feel so stressed at the end getting ready for him to come home and trying to make sure everything is just right. This post tackles my tips for those first few days away…

Make Time for You

I know what you’re thinking, “don’t worry, he’s gone, I have tons of time for myself”, but really, on the first night alone, take some time for yourself and enjoy it. I always pour a bubble bath, grab a good book, and watch a chick flick on Netflix.

I love stretching out in the bed and controlling the remote (which usually never happens). Also, think about using this time to better yourself. Eat healthy, make time for the gym, and read that new self-help book you’ve been too busy to open. Not only will this help you pass the time, but you’ll make some positive changes that you can continue once he returns.

Spend Time with Friends

After you’ve had enough “me time”, search out your besties and find something fun to do. Sometimes that’s going out for a girl’s night, hitting up a concert, or even just grilling on the deck. Spend some time with the girls and build up those relationships.

Struggling to make friends in a new place? Try visiting with moms at school, daycare, or sporting events. Visit with other ladies at the gym or search out new friends at work. This is a great time to hang out with new people and check in on those you haven’t been able to visit with for a while.

Make Special Time with Your Children

One of the small blessings of my husband being gone is how close my son and I are. We spend lots of time together, just the two of us, and we have a great relationship. We try and do fun activities together and make new memories, even when my husband can’t be there to enjoy them with us.

I’ve found myself getting braver as he gets older too. We go camping together, weekend trips, and we’ve even ventured on a few road trips, just the two of us.

Whether this is the first time he has left or the tenth, these three tips seem to help get us through whatever military life throws at us. I figure you can look at their absence as an awful burden or as an opportunity to gain insight into yourself and build relationships; the latter makes for a much happier you and therefore a much happier military family in the trips to come.

Holly Corcoran is a military wife of 10 years, mom to one adorable and resilient seven-year-old, and third-grade teacher living in the flyover states. She juggles home, parenting, and teaching, while also sometimes taking calls from Afghanistan. Connecting with other military spouses and friends is a constant reminder “we’re always under the same sky.”