Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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The 5 Stages of Watching Your Best Friend Move Away

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Last week was a killer for me. Not only did I lose my iPhone to a pool accident, but my car had a lot of issues, and my best friend here at Ft. Campbell moved away. We met in the summer of 2011 and became fast friends. A few of our boys are best buddies, too. I knew it was coming. I knew she would be leaving right when summer started. I didn’t want to think about it too much because it made me sad, but I knew it was there.

When you are in the military community, you know people are going to move all the time. Sometimes you find someone, hit it off, only to find out they are moving in a few months. This has happened to me several times. But spending almost 4 years together is such a treat. It doesn’t happen often, and I am so happy it happened with us.

But last week I had to say goodbye and it was hard. When it was time to say that last, “see you later…” it seemed a little unreal. Even though I knew it was coming, it was hard to let go.

The last time I said goodbye to a friend like this, I was the one moving. This was the first time I was the one staying, and it feels a little different. While she is on to her next adventure, I am still here trying to find my place now that she’s gone.

I have gone through some stages during the last few months, stages I think anyone who has said goodbye to a dear friend has been through.

Getting the news

This is when you first find out your friend is moving. Their spouse got orders. They have an ETS date. They know when they will be leaving the area.

You take it in stride. You don’t worry too much about it because it is 3 months, 6 months, maybe a year into the future. You feel like you have plenty of time before you have to say goodbye. Plus, things change a lot. Nothing is certain in military life until it happens.

It is coming

So your friend tells you they now have a move-out date, plane tickets, or a range of days they will be leaving the area. This is really going to happen. Your friend is really going to move.

This is when you start to worry about life after they have gone. Who will you sit around and talk about everything and nothing with? Who will you call when you need an emergency babysitter? Who will you make plans with when your husbands are both away or working?

You start to panic a little at the thought. But still. Since it is still weeks away, you try not to get too sad about it.

The Moving Truck

This is real, folks. You see the move with your own eyes. When you walk into your friend’s house, you no longer see that couch you used to sit on when you talked about the ills of the world; you see empty spaces and boxes. You see movers and packing lists, and you realize that they are, in fact, moving and it will be soon. That they really are PCSing away from you.

The Goodbye

You make plans that last week. You want to spend as much time together as possible. You have to work around schedules, and you have to remind yourself that this might be the last time you can actually hang out. And then a few hours open up, and you can get together again. Until you know it has to be the last time.

You know this because they are leaving the area in a few hours. And while you are hanging out together, you realize that it is time to go home, and it will be time to say that last goodbye. That moment you have ignored for months is finally here. And you say goodbye or see you later, and all the time you had together flashes before you, and you wonder where all the time went.

You think of the future and how her little two-year-old might be a lot older when you see each other again. You think about what life will be like without her around, and it hurts a little. You wish her and her family well. You are happy for them that they get to move on to their next adventure.

The Future

You will never ever forget about your friend. You will text, email, and share photos on Facebook. You will hear about their new life and share more about yours.

You will eventually make plans to see each other again, even if it is years from now. You get to a place where, although you miss her like crazy, you accept she is gone and look to move on. You think about the other people in your life and how you still have a good circle around you.

You think about how you will eventually be the one to leave, having to say goodbye to many people when that time comes. You think about how you are a strong military spouse who has been through worse.

It’s hard to say goodbye to a friend, especially one you were very close to. But at the same time, it is something you can deal with and work through.

Have you been through saying goodbye to a good friend? How did you deal with it all?

The 5 Stages of Watching Your Best Friend Move Away

Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

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Did you ever watch Army Wives? You know how those military spouses are all such good friends despite their spouses’ rank? Is that even possible? Well, yes, and no.

While there are some cases when two spouses probably wouldn’t be friends because of rank, I think, for the most part, spouses don’t care. I would question the level of friendship between some of those characters on Army Wives, but in the end, I think they could all be friendly with one another if nothing else.

There are very few military spouses who ask a potential friend what their spouse’s rank is before they decide to befriend them. In my real-life experience of being an Army wife, usually, a spouse’s rank comes out but it is not something that you use to evaluate a friendship.

Usually, the conversation goes something like this, “we are PCSing to Fort Campbell and I wonder what E-5 housing is like” or, “once he goes to such and such a school, he will make E-7.” It is usually never, “Well, I can only be friends with spouses of E-6 and above.”

Rank is brought up as a simple fact of their service member’s time in the military, not something to rub in someone else’s face.

Rank shouldn’t be used to bring other people down and make them feel less than. Among us spouses, rank isn’t or shouldn’t be a big issue.

This isn’t to say that no one out there is like that, I am sure you could find someone who thinks that way. But in my experience, these people are not the norm.

You know why? Because most military spouses are really just trying to make friends. We all pretty much want the same thing, to be included, to find our people, and to have fun along the way.

We don’t care what your spouse does, we just want to know that you can relate to being a military spouse, at least in one way or another.

We don’t care how high up your spouse is, we just want to know that you have days when you miss them just as much as we miss our own and that we can laugh about that together.

We don’t care if there is an E by their rank or an O, we just want to know that we are not the only ones serving cereal for dinner sometimes and that feel overwhelmed by too many deployments.

Going through military life alone isn’t the best way to go and finding friends wherever you live is going to make this life a lot easier. Finding your people is going to help you through those lonely nights and crazy mornings. Knowing someone has your back is going to give you the bit of peace you need for this military lifestyle.

So if you are a new military spouse, try not to worry about people not wanting to friend you because of your spouse’s rank. I can’t promise that won’t happen, there are going to be those people out there. But I do know that most of us don’t care about that.

We want to know what your hobbies are, how old your kids are, what you like to read, what you like to watch, what your dreams are, what your fears are, and so on. 

And with time you will find the ones you will walk through this life with. The ones that will make you a better person. The ones you will befriend and have in your life from here on out.

Making friends as a military spouse is a must, no matter what rank your spouse might be. If you are new to your duty station, get out there and see what is going on. Figure out places to go to meet other spouses. Join your local spouse’s groups, and work towards finding those friendships. Doing so will be worth your time.

What do you think? Have you ever had trouble making friends because of your spouse’s rank? What did you do about it?

The Military Spouse

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The Military Spouse

The military spouse, the one who has chosen to stand beside a soldier, a marine, an airman, a coastie, a guardian, or a sailor. To go with them from place to place. To support them through their career choice, and beyond.

The military spouse, whose dreams of married life probably looked a little different than they are now. She thought they could buy a house down the street from her family. He thought she would always be home with him. The military spouse, whose reality is far from the expected.

The military spouse, who finds herself on an airplane with a toddler, traveling to her new home in Germany. The military spouse, whose children will be born in three different states, and two different countries. The military spouse, who gave birth with her mom by her side, instead of her partner, wishing things didn’t have to be this way.

The military spouse is told she or he is strong, but the truth is, sometimes we don’t feel that way. Sometimes we feel like we weren’t cut out to make it in this life. Sometimes we feel like the burden is too heavy, and the stress is too much.

We see how much our spouse loves what they do, whether it is going to the desert, or living on a ship. Whether it is flying an airplane, or working as a mechanic. Whatever they do in the military, we know this was the right choice, and we want to stand by their decision, even if doing so is hard.

When you marry someone who wants to serve their country by serving in the military, you also have to know that you have married someone that will have a unique job. You will have to understand that many of your friends might not get the life.

“Why can’t you guys come home for Christmas?”

“Can’t he tell them he doesn’t want to go?”

“I could never do it”

But you figure out pretty quickly that this military life is your life. And while your civilian friends might not be able to relate to everything you are going through, you know that they can be there for you, just like you can be there for them, for whatever they are going through.

The military spouse will have to go days, weeks, and even months apart from your loved one. And for some, even years. We have to solo parent, making decisions alone that would normally be made by both parents. We have to step in and step up when it isn’t always easy to do so.

The military spouse finds themselves on a journey they couldn’t have dreamed of. We find ourselves having all these adventures, from living down the street from an actual castle to finding friends that are more like family, going through life together, even if it is virtually.

The military spouse lives their military life the best way they can. Not all military spouses are the same, and we all bring our individual likes and dislikes, personalities, and gifts to the community. We can help one another out, be the community we need, and grow through our challenges together.

The military spouse is a part of a community that goes beyond anything they could have imagined. Because of this life a military spouse can say they literally have friends around the world.

The military spouse may have to wait, and that is always a difficult thing to do. But they also get to say hello again, running into their lover’s arms. They can grow through the challenges, and can find unique and creative ways to get through the deployments and other times part.

The military spouse may have to move every few years. That is not going to be easy to do. But by doing so they can learn about different parts of the country and world. They can bloom where they are stationed, and create and find community wherever they go.

The military spouse is the heart of the home. The constant in the changing waters of military life. The one who tries to pull everything all together.

The military spouse doesn’t always feel strong but can find ways to get through it all. Taking each challenge day-by-day, and reminding themselves that this is their life, and it can be a good one, filled with lots of fun memories, seasons of growth, and many amazing friends.

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

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the seasoned spouse

The truth is, you might be a seasoned military spouse, you might have advice to offer and you have definitely been there before, but you are also a human being.

You have done this before, deployments aren’t a new thing, and you feel like you have to be strong, for all the new military spouses around you.

But the reality is, after the FRG meeting is over, after you get home and crawl into bed, your heart still worries over this upcoming deployment. You wonder how you will get through another nine months apart. You wonder if this will be the deployment something bad happens, how many times can someone go over there and come back the same?

Just Because You Are a Seasoned Military Spouse…

Even as a seasoned military spouse, you have the right to miss your spouse too.

You have the right to not have all the answers.

You have the right to be the one that needs the shoulder to cry on instead of the other way around.

No Matter How Long You Have Been A Military Spouse

Because no matter how long you have been a military spouse, no matter how long you have lived a military life, you might never be fully prepared for your own emotions during the difficult parts.

As a seasoned spouse, you know that you can’t spend the whole deployment complaining, but it is okay to share with your close friends that you are having a hard time.

As a seasoned spouse, you probably look back on everything you have been through and wonder how you got to where you are today. You remember when you were the brand new spouse, walking onto your very first military installation, unsure of what the future held.

Looking for Deployment Advice?:

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Sharing Your Personal Story is Important

As a seasoned spouse, you know you can help other military spouses and sharing your personal story can help them more than you might realize.

I know for myself, I have always looked at those who have been doing this longer than I have, and have been able to learn what worked for them, and even what didn’t.

There is this idea that in order to support your military service member you have to appear as an unmovable tower of strength. And maybe you don’t always feel like you are. Maybe you too need some encouragement.

It’s Okay to Ask For Help

So, to the seasoned military spouse, know that you have a lot to offer but you can also be the one asking for help. You can be the one that needs to vent, and you can be the one that just needs a night off from the stress.

The military changes over time and what things were like in 1999 were different than in 2009 and different even more here in 2019.

You might start to feel that what worked for you 10 years ago won’t work again now, and maybe that is true. However, you are resilient and you will find ways to cope, even if this new age of the military.

Be kind to yourself, take breaks when you can, and know that you can get through this too. Learn your strengths and be aware of your weaknesses. Reach out to others for help, and help those around you that might need that little extra support.

Do you consider yourself a seasoned military spouse?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

7 Fantastic Ways to Use Social Media to Help You Improve Your Military Spouse Life

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Oh, social media. We love social media, but we hate social media. Between Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, it can feel like we are always “on” to the world. And that can be a bit overwhelming and quickly take over our lives. However, when social media is used as a tool, the platforms can be a great way to improve our lives as military spouses.

Military spouses move often and meet new people all the time. We make a lot of connections, but we don’t always get to live near them, or if we do, it is for a limited amount of time. Social media allows us to stay connected in ways we might not otherwise be able to. Social media can also give us access to resources and people we might not otherwise have been able to connect to.

When you first become a military spouse, this life can be overwhelming. You can use social media to help you in your military spouse life. Here are 7 ways to do so:

Stay connected to friends

My first experience with social media was with Myspace. Remember Tom and how you could pick your top 8? Talk about pressure! Back then, we military spouses would connect on Myspace, share photos from the day, and figure out the best music to describe precisely what we felt.

These days, we are all on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. And while these platforms are all different than Myspace ever was, we can still stay connected to our friends using them. When we meet someone new, get to know them, and want to connect, adding one another on social media seems like the best thing to do.

By doing so, we are always connected. And when those PCS orders come, we can still stay connected, no matter where military life might take us.

Asian woman looking at her phone

Stay connected to family

One of the hardest parts of military life can be having to live so far away from family. We don’t get to see them regularly and have to stay in touch over the miles. Social media can be a great way to do this. One of the accounts I set up for myself is a private Instagram account where I am connected to my closest friends and family. This makes sharing photos and what we are doing with a select few easy and helps our families stay connected.

Join a local group

When you first get those PCS orders, and they seem like they are pretty much going to stick, you probably want to start joining local groups for your new area. Doing so allows you to ask questions, get to know what is happening in that area, and give you a running start into your new community.

Learn about resources

There are so many military spouse resources out there, from blogs like this one to organizations like Military OneSource. And all of them have social media accounts. Connect with these military spouse resources over social media, and you will have access to all these resources, from advice about deployments to help finding a new job.

Find out about military spouse talk shows and podcasts

Did you know there is a military spouse talk show out there? MilSpouse Conversations is a diverse panel of military spouses who talk about…well, everything, from PCSing to parenting to all the things that are important to you! Follow MilSpouse Conversations on social!

You can also find other military spouse podcasts like MilSpouse Matters and The Spouse Angle. Podcasts are easy to listen to and can bring you a wealth of information, tips, and resources for your military spouse life.

Find out about events in your community

One of the best tips I can give any military spouse in this life is to make sure you find things you love to do and stay busy. Not having enough to do causes boredom, and that’s when life can get a little more difficult. One of the best ways to find things to do is to find out what events are going on in your own community.

I am in the Fort Campbell area, so if I follow the pages for the local city of Clarksville, Fort Campbell MWR, and other local pages and groups, I will have a steady stream of events in my feed. This gives me lots of options to fill out my calendar.

Entertainment

Let’s face it: there is a lot of entertainment on social media. You can find videos on every topic these days. From your favorite TV show, I think I am on Outlander TikTok, to what you like to read or where you like to travel. Be aware of how much time you are on social media, and enjoy what it has to offer.

Social media is a tool, and we can use it to improve our lives whether we are brand new to this life or are a seasoned spouse.

What are your favorite ways to use social media as a military spouse?

7 Fantastic Ways to Use Social Media to Help You Improve Your Military Spouse Life

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

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I moved out of my parent’s home and away from my hometown when I was 18. I couldn’t wait to explore and live somewhere else. I couldn’t wait for that independence. I was so ready and left when I had the chance to go.

When I did that, I didn’t know how far that independence would take me. When I was 26, we moved from Northern California to Kentucky, even further away. When my husband joined the Army, we moved to Germany, an ocean away. We came back to Tennessee and have been here ever since, and where we live now is exactly 1,985.9 miles away from “home.”

There is a part of me that yearns to be back. To be able to live where I used to live, to be able to do the things I used to do on a regular basis (like go to Disneyland once a week,) and to live the life I used to have.

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

But here is the thing…

Time has moved on, not just for me, but for my hometown. Maybe this isn’t true for everyone, but where I grew up is so different in 2022 than when I left in 1997. There is a lot more traffic, and less rain, and Disneyland is way more expensive.

I once had a pastor tell me something that still sticks with me to this day. I told him about our church back in California and how special that place was. How I wanted to find something like that again.

He told me that while that was amazing, if we left right then and returned, the church would be a different place. That it is easy to assume everyone from our past is frozen in time, but that isn’t true. People have changed, places have changed, and going back wouldn’t be like stepping right back in right after we left.

So if I were to pack up my family and head back to Southern California, things would be different. And maybe part of that is that I have changed. I am used to life in other places, not so much the life of someone in Southern California. This hit me hard on one of my most recent visits.

And it isn’t like I couldn’t adjust to life there again, I am sure I could. I am sure that over time, things would be okay. But remembering that I can never go back to 1997 and how things were back then is a comfort to me in a place so far from home.

As military spouses, many of you don’t live near where you grew up.

Some of you might just be a few hours away, others, across the ocean. You could be the type of person who couldn’t wait to leave, or maybe you never thought you would until you married your soldier and you had to go. Living away from home can be difficult, even for those of us who couldn’t wait to move away.

You miss things. You miss birthdays, weddings, and other events that make you sad to think about. You become the people that other people used to know. You become a part of their history and are no longer a part of their present. And that can be hard to take.

Homesickness can be real. You can feel like you gave up everything and for what? You might wonder if the time away is worth it. If spreading your wings a bit was worth it the homesickness.

How can you be content when the military moves you far from home?

Here are some ideas:

Embrace your independence

When you leave home, you become more independent just by doing so. There is now a lot more distance between you and your family, between you and what you are used to, between you and your comfort zone. You have to do things you didn’t think you would have to do, and you will grow stronger for it.

Embrace this independence that comes from being far from home. Take a look back at what you have done on your own. Look ahead to the future and on what you can accomplish based on these skills you have learned.

Explore your new home

Get out there and see what your current area has to offer. It might be totally different than what you are used to, but that’s okay. This will force you out of your comfort zone, but that can be a good thing.

Look up bucket lists for your new duty station, talk to your neighbors, and look for what other people do in their free time. Getting involved in your new community will help you find contentment there and lessen the effects of homesickness.

Visit

Yes, you moved away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever visit. Now, how often you visit is going to depend on many different factors. You might not be able to afford to do so too often, or maybe you can go home for every holiday. Find a good balance and what will work for you and your family.

If you live close enough, it might be possible to go home every weekend. This might not be the best idea if you want to dive into your new community. Give yourself some time to be where you now live, and not just escape home whenever you get the chance. If you can figure out a new home that is just a few hours from where you are from, those skills will help you when you move farther away.

Invite

Invite your family and maybe even friends to visit your new home. Show them around, show them your new life. Let them see what you are experiencing. Your friends and family want to know you are in a good place and showing them that place firsthand can be a wonderful thing.

When the military moves you far away from home, it can be so hard to figure out how to be content. There is a lot to miss about home, and for many, it can feel like your new duty station will never feel that way. Give yourself some time, get out of your comfort zone, and look for the good in your new place.

Where was the first place you lived after moving away from home?

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

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4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

You don’t have to be a military spouse for too long to have had the military cancel your plans. Whether it is something small, like a date you had planned, or an appointment you needed them to be with you at, to bigger things such as a deployment changing its dates, or a move being delayed longer than you would like.

Over the years I have had to cancel so many things because of the military. This was even more true when my children were younger. I would have everything lined up, and boom, it all had to change.

So what do you do if the military cancels your plans? Tell the military they can’t do that? Oh, how I wish that was the answer…:) But really, what can you do? Here are a few ideas!

1) Journal it out. The military canceling plans is a big reason I think journaling is so important. Get your journal out and write about how frustrated you are. Write it all out. That will make you feel much better, I promise. And if you are looking for a journal, I have a few in my new SWCL shop!

2) Call a friend who gets it. This might be another military spouse who can understand your frustration or a nonmilitary spouse friend who has experienced something similar. Disappointment sucks, so find a friend who gets how frustrating this can be and someone you feel comfortable venting to. They might even be able to help you with #3.

3) Make a plan. This will be based on what the canceled activity or event is. Sometimes when the military changes things we have to restructure everything, other times we just have to make a few calls to make it work. But you will need to make a plan. Once you do, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

4) Reschedule, if you can. In some cases, you can reschedule whatever was canceled. Although you might have to wait a bit to do so. If you had to cancel a trip, think about when you could reschedule it. If you had to cancel an appointment, see when their next available one is. Try to remind yourself that you will get to do the thing you want to do, even if it is later than you thought it would be. Our June 2020 vacation was canceled because of military duties, but we took the trip in March of 2021 and had a great time.

I hate it when the military cancels our plans, even worse when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. A date change, an orders change, or any other change is enough to drive me crazy. I know I am not supposed to write my plans in pen, but I really can’t help it sometimes.

In military life, you have to always hope for the best, plan for the worst, and that isn’t always easy to do. I still struggle in how to balance planning a trip or other event with the fact that at anytime the military could cancel our plans. But, these tips really help me get to a better place, and to be able to have a more balanced life.

What are your best tips for dealing with when the military cancels your plans???

9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

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9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

Growing up, I didn’t think a whole lot about if the person I married in the future would be in the Military or not. I was aware of the Military. My Grandparents had served, my Dad was in the Air Force before he met my mom. My mom even taught at a DOD school in Germany. I just never thought that would necessarily be something in my future.

I met my husband who had been in the Army before I had met him. I thought that was his past, not my future. Life is funny and about three years after we were married he re-enlisted and my life as a Military Spouse began.

Over the years, there have been plenty of difficult moments. Some days I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry about how hard Military life was. But overall, being a Military Spouse is pretty amazing and this is why:

1. You Meet Amazing People

During your time as a Military spouse, you will meet a lot of different people from all over the place. You will meet someone born and raised in Germany, in Korea, in Hawaii or anywhere else outside of where you grew up and they will become your closest friend. You might meet someone famous, you might meet someone political. There are so many opportunities to meet people when you are a Military spouse.

2. You Can Live in Amazing Places

Germany, Japan, Hawaii, Alaska, Colorado, Belgium, South Korea, Guam and Washington DC are just some of the amazing places you might get to live if you are a Military family. Going OCONUS or even living in a different part of the US can be such a great experience. You get to see parts of the world you never thought you would get to. It’s amazing!

3. You Can Learn a lot About Yourself

Being alone sometimes, having to make new friends more often than others do, having to adjust and be flexible are all a part of Military life. Through these experiences you can learn more about yourself and who you are as a person.

4. You Become More Independent

As a Military spouse, you have to become more independent. You have no choice. You will have to take care of finances, of the children, of the home. You will have to make choices that most couples make together. It feels so overwhelming sometimes but it forces you to become more independent which is a good thing. You can find a sisterhood

5. You Can Find Your Community

There is something about the Military community. Once you join it, you will always be apart of it. You will meet Military spouses in other places and feel like you have something in common. You will have friends all over the country that you can connect with.

One friend will move away and there is always the chance that another friend will move close to you again. Military spouses understand what the Military life is all about and can support each other, both online and offline. You never have to feel alone. You understand sacrifice

6. You Understand Sacrifice

Sacrifice can come in different forms but as a Military spouse, you will feel it. Your service member will miss out on important events like a birth or even a move. You will feel it then.

You will feel it when you say goodbye to them for a deployment and know they will miss your oldest child’s first day of Kindergarten. You will feel it when you can’t take them with you when you go home for Christmas. You will feel it if they come home injured or if they don’t come home at all. There is no way around sacrifice is you are a Military spouse.

7. You Will Grow as a Person Through the Good and the Bad

There is no double that life as a Military wife will change you. No matter what you go through, the good, the bad, the easy, the hard, you will change and grow as a person and that is always a good thing. Life will never stay the same as Military life is always full of changes.

8. You Will Never Look at Memorial Day the Same Way Again

Before Military life, I knew about Memorial Day but it changed a lot when I became an Army wife. I knew people who lost their husbands. I knew that what my husband did was dangerous. I knew what could happen. That changed Memorial Day from a day to honor other people to honoring people I knew. I will never look at that day the way I did before. I can’t. I have seen too much.

9. Your Kids Will Understand What it Means to Serve Your Country

There is no better way for a child to understand what it means to serve their country than to have a parent in the Military. They will grow up with knowing what that really means. There are many different ways someone can serve their country and growing up in the Military can help your children understand what it means to do so. Life isn’t always easy for a Military child but they will learn a lot and that is a good thing.

Why do you think being a Military Spouse is amazing? What would you add to this list???