Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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Because I am a Soldier’s Wife

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Because I am a Soldier’s Wife

As the new year begins, I wonder what this year will look like. Will he deploy? Will he stay home? Will he be home more than he is away? As I wonder what this year will look like, I am reminded of what it means to be married to someone serving in the military.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

 

Because I am a soldier’s wife, my husband can be away from us, whether it is for days, weeks, months or even years. And when he is gone, I stay home and make the best of the situation, knowing he is serving his country in the way he knows how.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have found friendship with others who have gone through the same thing.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

We have spent the holidays together and have become like family to one another. We have each other’s backs and know we can depend on one another when we need that extra support.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, what happens on the news affects me in very personal ways. If they say they are sending more troops over there, I worry my husband might be one of them. And then I remind myself that this is what Army service is all about.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I try to be strong even if I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I merely survive during a deployment instead of thrive, even if that is my goal. I have to take one day at a time, one hour at a time in some cases.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have moved, several times. Starting over in a new place, a new state, a new country. I have learned how to adapt, how to be apart, how to handle homesickness.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have learned how to be more patient, how to get through the impossible, how to make the best of a difficult situation. I have learned how to handle what this life brings me, even if somedays that doesn’t seem very possible.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I know I am a part of something amazing. I am a part of something historical. I have sisters that have come before me, in wars past, who I can learn from. I have sisters who I walk beside today, going through what I am also dealing with.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, figuring out what I want to do has been more of a challenge. His career comes first. If he is gone all summer, how will I adjust? If he is gone for a year, how will I make my dreams come true? If I am the only parent for months at a time, how will I have time to work on myself?

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have learned so much in the years since my husband has joined. I have learned about myself, my marriage, and the world in general. I have gained more than I have lost.

As we start a new year, I wonder what the next 12 months will look like. Will this year be one of the harder ones, or will we have a bit of a break? Who knows. I just know that I am doing all of this with my husband by my side, with my friends who understand, and with an attitude that I can get through anything this crazy life throws at me.

Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

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Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get ThroughBecoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

I spent three years as a civilian wife.

During those years we could plan things out, and most likely they would not change. If he needed time off, he would ask for it. I was a new mom, and he had been there for the nine months of pregnancy and then the newborn months.

During those years we had a pretty simple life. There wasn’t a lot of drama. I knew he would be there for my birthday, our son’s firsts and the idea of parenting my son alone for any length of time sent shivers down my spine. I laugh about that now.

Military spouses

My years as a civilian wife were far from easy of course. I was stressed like every new mom was. But at the time I had no idea what was ahead for us.

In November of 2005, my husband and I made the choice for him to re-enlist in the Army, at age 30. He had been in before, years before I had met him.

I didn’t think being a military wife was going to be my life. Not at all. The Army was in his past. But in 2005, it became his present, and I started my life as a military spouse.

It’s been almost 12 years since that happened and over those 12 years, so much has happened. We have added two more children, gone through 4 deployments, 3 PCS moves and became a National Guard family.

My husband joining the military changed everything.

My civilian life? That is a thing of the past. I learned pretty quickly that being a military wife was an entirely different way to live.

I figured out that you can’t always depend on your spouse to be there. Whether you are thinking about your son’s first steps or the birth of your child.

I figured out that missing someone you are married to for over a year is completely different than missing a boyfriend for a few months when you went off to college.

I figured out that we as military spouses see the fear in our future, might even start to panic about it, but figure out ways to make it through.

Military spouses

As a civilian wife, the idea of solo parenting seemed unbelievable.

As a military wife, I have spent the equivalent of years without my partner by my side.

In this world, we always want to compare, and I can’t help compare my own life before the Army vs after. They were so different. I was different.

But over the years I have learned something important. No matter what your stress might me. No matter what struggle you might be dealing with. No matter how weak you feel, you can figure out a way to make it through.

We can all depend on one another. During our darkest days, we can turn to a friend, a family member, or even an online community.

We can see that others have worried for their spouses like we have. We can see that others have broken down at having to change ALL the diapers. We can learn from those who have come before us and have wise words to share.

I have heard people say that being a military wife is the same as being a civilian wife. This has not been my experience at all. My two lives are like night and day.

Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

Being a military wife is probably one of the best things that have happened to me.

In the last 12 years, I have learned so much about life, how to cope, how to handle stress, and how to be resilient in the face of disappointing circumstances.

I have seen the power of the military community. To help one another out through deployments, the loneliness, and the hardships.

I have become who I am because my husband has served. And I know that my life would be completely different had my husband never rejoined the military on that day in 2005.

If you are a military spouse looking for support, you have come to the right place. On this blog, you will find posts about deployments, pcsing, and all things military life.

Although we all come from different branches, we have a lot in common and finding support is a must!

You can also sign up for my mailing list to receive a free guide to the first 30 days of a deployment and join my Facebook support group. 

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year

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I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.

However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.

Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.

He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.

The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.

This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?

How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?

1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.

You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.

2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.

In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.

3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.

However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.

Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.

4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.

If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.

Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.

Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

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Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving during a deployment is the ideal. Being in survival mode, especially for months at a time is not. The truth is, for my deployments, survival mode has been the norm. Just being able to get through the day, doing what I needed to do for the kids and my home had to be enough. There wasn’t too much thriving going on, at least it didn’t feel like there was.

I would wake up each morning and make sure my day was full.  By the time the kids went to bed, I would feel like I accomplished something important, another day down.  Another day to cross off the calendar.  I made sure my kids were healthy, fed and the house was relatively clean. I didn’t worry too much about doing more than that. Sure, I wanted to make their days fun but some days we needed to stay home. Not every day during a deployment was going to be as successful as I wanted the day to be. Not every day was going to be so filled with exciting adventures that I would forget about the deployment.

Too much for one day

I remember one day during our third deployment. I was back on post for the second time that day, running around doing something. I was so tired and I knew we would have to be back again at 5:30 for T-ball practice. I lost it in the car. I just couldn’t do it. I just started crying because I felt like what I was dealing with was too much. I needed to come home and just chill. We skipped practice that day. Doing so made for a better night and a much less stressed out mommy.

 

Some Sundays we didn’t go to church. Some nights we had cereal for dinner. That was the reality for me. I can’t do it all when I am the only one doing it. 

There is the idea that as Military spouses we are strong and can get through anything without any tears. In reality, tears come. They might happen behind closed doors, in the car or in the shower but we shed them. We are only human and we can only take so much at a time.

There are things you can do to help you thrive.

You can spend time with friends. Work on a project. Figure out something to keep yourself busy that can also help your soul. You can start writing in a journal, attend a bible study or join a workout group. You can make silly videos with your kids or learn about all the new hiking trails in your city.

If you feel like you are only in survival mode during a deployment, that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know that this time will pass and the thriving will come later. The thriving will be when you feel that you are a stronger person because of that deployment. When you look back during the months your husband was away and know that you were able to keep your house together and help your children. The thriving will come when you sit down with a younger military spouse years later and help her get through her own deployment.

Surviving deployments

So as you start your deployment and make your way to the finish line, remember. You don’t have to have things all together. You can be in survival mode. Because sometimes, that is what you have to do to get through the deployment. Take each day as it comes. Work on yourself and your family. And remember, time will past, deployments will end and your life will change again and you won’t always be doing it alone.

Do you struggle with thriving during a deployment?  Do you feel like you are in survival mode more often than not?