Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

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When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

If you are a military spouse, and you get sick, it is probably going to be when your spouse is deployed, or otherwise not at home. You can thank Murphy’s law for that, I know I have been hit by Murphy myself.

While you can get to a place where you feel you are rocking a deployment, a stomach bug can turn things upside down, especially if you have young kids.

So…what should you do? What can you do? Here are some helpful tips for when you are sick and your spouse is deployed:

Ask for help

When you are sick, you might have to actually ask for help. If you are like me, this is going to be hard for you. I hate asking others for help and will try to do it all myself first.

However, I am not Superwoman and sometimes, I really need that extra help. If you have a close friend, see if they can bring you a few things from the store, or pick up a child from school. Most people are more than willing to help out a solo parenting military spouse.

Say no

If you are not feeling well, you are going to have to say no to some things. This can be hard to do sometimes. But we are all human, and we are all trying to get it all done, even if our spouse is overseas. And sometimes that means saying no, especially when we are sick.

Maybe the FRG won’t have as many food dishes that night, maybe a kid will have to skip practice, but sometimes we do have to let some things go during a deployment. Don’t burn yourself out when you are sick and don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to certain things. Besides, if you are contagious, you want to stay at home anyway.

Let your kids help you

If your kids are old enough, let them help you. Older children can help you with younger kids. Children can do extra chores, or help you around the house. Think about small ways they can help make things easier for you when you are sick.

Take care of yourself

In the end, remember to take care of yourself. Your health is important and you don’t want to ignore something that could become more serious later. Try to rest when you can, drink plenty of fluids, and get yourself to the doctor if you need to.

You should also be taking care of yourself before you get sick to hopefully lessen the chances of catching something. If you haven’t been for a checkup in a while, make an appointment. Don’t forget about your own dental care, and follow up on anything you think you need more information about.

When you get sick, all you really want to do is hide under your blankets but during a deployment, that probably isn’t going to be possible. Remember to ask for help if you need it, say no to some things, see if your kids can help, and remember that your health is important too.

Have you ever gotten really sick when your spouse was deployed? What did you do to get through that?

My Emotional Journey of Being Diagnosed With Chronic Kidney Disease

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I am 45 years old and this year I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.

Finding Out About My Kidneys

In May of this year, I went in for my annual doctor’s appointment. I will admit, I didn’t really want to go but I did. And I am so glad I did. I had some blood work done, and it came back with come concerning results.

I was referred to several different specialists, including a urologist. One of the concerns was my creatinine levels and my eGFR number. For my age and gender, the average for those numbers is a creatinine level of .5-1.1, and an eGFR of 99. My numbers were a creatinine level of 1.7, and an eGFR of 34. This was not good news.

I looked back at my older labs and was a little shocked to see that my numbers had been normal in 2019, but started to fall in 2020. But I never really paid close attention to them and they weren’t “bad” enough for the doctor to be concerned. They were now what is concerned Kidney Disease 3b. I have learned from spending time in Facebook groups for people with CKD that most people don’t get diagnosed until 3a or 3b.

How I Was Diagnosed With Chronic Kidney Disease

I am not totally sure why this. But it seems to be what happens.

So although I hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet, I knew what was going on. I just didn’t know why. Kidney disease wasn’t something I ever thought about. It didn’t seem to run in our family.

I was sent to have an ultrasound on my kidneys, and then a CT scan. I also went to my first urologist appointment. It was there they explained that their job was to figure out if my bladder was the reason for the decrease in my kidney function. She said one of the things could be a blockage in my bladder.

Ureteral Obstruction

Due to the results of the CT scan, I was scheduled for an exploratory surgery where they would be able to see what was going on with my bladder and if there was a blockage. I had this in August and it was explained to me that if they did find a blockage they would insert two stents to help temporarily correct things. But they wouldn’t know until after the surgery started.

So the first thing I asked when I woke up was, “Do I have stents…?” And the answer was yes. That meant that they did in fact find a blockage, which was good news because it meant that we probably found a cause for the reduced kidney function.

I have what is called a ureteral obstruction on both sides, but one is worse than the other. The tubes, called ureters, carry the urine from the kidneys to the bladder. Picture a straw that has a kink in it, the liquid doesn’t flow like it should and so the urine is backing up within the kidneys causing the decrease in function.

Surgery to Fix It

I will be having surgery next month to fix it. They will cut out the obstructed area of the tube and reattach it, almost like what do if you have a hole in a hose and need to repair it. This will hopefully stop the problems I am having with losing kidney function.

Once that is done, I can truly focus on the reality of now having kidney disease. Unfortunately just because they can fix the obstruction doesn’t mean my kidneys will go back to normal. Now, my eGFR can go up a little bit and I can hopefully stay in that range for decades. My doctor has hope that I can stay away from stage 5.

It’s humbling to know that I have something going on that could be terminal. But, I also know that I can most likely live a long life even with kidney disease. I have had to change my diet a bit which is hard, and I am not quite where I want to be yet. That is a journey in and of itself.

Meeting With the Nephrologist

I did meet with a nephrologist and have been officially diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. That was super helpful and was able to ask some questions and get a lot of information. And going to see him really helped me understand how real this all was.

I don’t know what the future holds and just trying to take it day by day and appointment by appointment. Seeing so many different doctors, having so much blood being taken, and even having multiple surgeries is all really new to me. I sometimes have to take a deep breath, say some prayers, and hope for the very best.

What Milspouses Need When They Are Feeling Lonely

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Loneliness and deployments go hand and hand, don’t they? It just seems to be apart of the deal. We miss our spouse or partner when they are away, and that loneliness can come after too many days apart.

I know I feel it. Sometimes very strongly.

Loneliness can hit at the most random of times. From when I see another couple holding hands or our favorite song comes on the radio…yes I sometimes still listen to the radio, don’t judge 😉

Right after my husband left for his first deployment, I was sitting with a few other wives. We were waiting to see the men drive by on the buses, so we could wave goodbye one last time. As we sat there, we really didn’t know what we were really dealing with.

We didn’t know then how hard the deployment would be. How scary the deployment would feel at times. We really had no idea how lonely we would feel over the months our husbands were deployed.

As the deployment got going, the feeling of loneliness took over me. I remember sitting in my bathroom, after my son went to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through that time without my husband. He is the one person I could talk to about anything.

Even the silly things. The everyday things. The things spouses talk about with one another.

So what can you do when you are feeling so lonely during a deployment? What do milspouses need when they are feeling this way?

A true community

Maybe it is online, maybe it is friends at your duty station, but you need to find some type of community. A group of people to help you through and help you get through that loneliness.

Finding that community can be quite difficult sometimes. You might not feel like you belong or that anyone else cares. But people do, many people do. You just have to find them.

Military spouse communities can be your best support. Other spouses who get it and understand. Other spouses who know all about that deployment loneliness and can get what you are going through.

A good support system

Your support system goes even deeper than your community. It is your parents and your siblings and your friends back at home. It is your milspouse best friend and your civilian neighbors that can help you out when you need it.

Us military spouses need people we can vent to without judgment. We need people who we can call if we have to take a kid to the ER or need someone to help us out with some type of issue. And we need people we can connect with when that loneliness sets in.

Ways to stay busy

Staying busy is one of the best things you can do to get through a deployment. Even more so when that loneliness sets in. You can stay busy in your home, working on projects. You can stay busy by going out, and even hanging out with other people.

Although right now that might be a bit difficult with 2020 and all, normally, finding those friends to spend time with will speed up your deployment.

Back when we were going through a deployment in Germany, a friend and I would let each other know when we needed a “steak night.” That meant, going to one of our houses, ordering pizza for the kids, and making ourselves a nice steak dinner.

It was a way to stay busy, spend time with friends, and that helped so much with the loneliness both of us were feeling.

What do you do when you are starting to feel lonely during a deployment?

The Camo in my Living Room

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The Camo in my Living Room

I walk into my living room, and it is there. The camo. The color of the military.

Normally, this all lives in other parts of the house, put away, until it is needed. But today, I can see his military gear, and I know what that means.

The camo in my living room means he is getting ready to go. To serve. To train. To fight.

The camo in my living room means that I won’t be able to see him for a while. That he will be living somewhere else. That it is time for him to go.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for a little while, and that isn’t quite so bad.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for way too long, and my heart breaks a little when I think about what that means.

Often times, us military spouses get into the days of every day life. Our spouse is home, and while he might put on a uniform every day, or even just once a month, we feel pretty settled and content with everything.

And then we see the camo in the living room…

And we are reminded of what they signed up for, and what their purpose is.

And if we have been through this before, we are reminded about the lonely nights, the heartfelt goodbyes, and the long awaited homecomings.

We know we can get through what is ahead, although sometimes, we lose sight of that.

And even if we know we can get through any time apart, that doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

As we see them prepare for whatever is ahead, we wonder why we choose this road. Why did we marry a soldier? Why did we stand by when they signed those papers?

And as we watch our spouse packing things up, we know.

We know that this is who they are, and this is what they feel called to do. And we know that we feel called to them and for that, we know we can get through this challenge too.

As military spouse, we can go through periods of time when life just feels a little too hard. When we wish things were a little different, or that we had made different choices.

But…

As we watch them and see that camo in our living rooms, we feel a pride in our spouse that has chosen this road. And that even if watching them leave is difficult, we can stand by them as they go.

We know that we don’t have to go through all of this alone, other military spouses are doing the exact same thing.

We know we can help other spouses through this, because we have been there before.

We know that in the end, there is no other person we would rather be with, military and all.

So to those of you who also see camo in your living room during this season, you got this.

Even if the days are long…

Even if the tears keep coming…

Even if it seems like too much…

Because you are a military spouse, and you have the strength to handle the difficulties and challenges this life brings.

If you are getting ready to say goodbye, whether for just a few weeks or a lot longer, please visit the rest of my deployment blog posts, and know you are not alone.

Balancing Staying Busy When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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Balancing Staying Busy When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Stay busy!

Fill your days!

Don’t stay at home!

Have you heard this deployment advice before? It’s good advice. If you are always at home, not doing anything, the deployment is going to be a lot harder for you. You need to stay busy, find things to do, so that time passes instead of standing still.

But…

Can you be too busy?

What if you have taken on too much?

Can you survive without any downtime?

I know I can’t. I need time at home to recharge. I need to relax. I can’t be busy all of the time.

During deployments, I find myself trying to find the perfect balance. I want to stay busy, but I still want some downtime. I don’t want to get bored, but also want to be able to breathe a bit sometimes. And finding this perfect balance can be so difficult.

So what can you do to find that balance? How can you stay busy without being too busy? Here are some tips to help:

Say yes to the best

When filling out your calendar, you might be presented with so many different activities and events. Only say yes to the ones you really want to go to. What types of things do you really enjoy doing? What works best for your kids, and your budget?

By only saying yes to the best things, you can avoid feeling burned out by activities that really aren’t your style. While you want to be open to new experiences, if you know that taking your kids to a certain play-place always ends in tears, it might be best not to make plans to go there for the time being.

Know your kids

This goes along with what you say yes to. You know your own kids. You know what works well for them and what doesn’t. You know how much they can handle on a given day.

I have a son that needs a lot of downtime at home to recharge, especially after a long school day. This can be a big challenge when trying to stay busy. I always had to figure out the best way to balance our time keeping that in mind.

Stay busy at home

There are things you can do to stay busy when you are at home. You can start a DIY project, start on a new book series, or even sign up to take classes online.

You don’t always have to fill your calendar with big events or activities far from home. There is a lot you can do to stay busy at home, which can be helpful when you have small kids.

The key is having some type of plan. Invite a friend over for playdates, put down the dates you will be repainting your kitchen on your calendar, or make time to go for a walk to break up the day.

It’s okay to say no

It’s okay to say no. It is. Running a household when you are the only parent around means you have to either do everything or delicate everything so it gets done. You might be the only one cooking, the only one cleaning, the only one making sure the kids get to where they need to go.

Because of this, you can get burned out pretty easily. During this stage, you might find people asking you to do things. You might find yourself feeling like you always have to say yes.

But you know what? You don’t always have to say yes. You can say no sometimes. The world will not fall apart I promise.

If you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with your busy schedule, see what you can say no to. It might even be saying no to something that week, knowing you need the rest. It might even be saying no to something good, but deep down you know you need a chill day more than you need to be busy.

Plan days to relax

Put days on the calendar just to relax. This can look different to different people.

Some would want to just chill at home, others would book a spa day or go browse around a bookstore.

If you have kids, check into your local CDC to see if they have any Super Saturday events going on, or if they offer extra free childcare hours. You can take these days for yourself during a deployment, and create some peace during a busy time.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Some people like to be busier than others. I know for myself, I need to have my downtime, deployment or not. I like to get out and do things but if I don’t have that downtime, I can really feel it.

Sometimes I see what some of my friends do each weekend and I feel like I could never do that much on a regular basis. And I think that is okay. We all have different personalities.

During a deployment, you might see friends, even ones with a deployed husband, doing what you feel would be too much for you. Don’t worry about that. They are doing what is best for them, you do what is best for you. Don’t feel like you have to keep up with them if that doesn’t work for you and your family.

There is something nice about finding that perfect balance, and you might not always totally get there. You might go through months at a time where everything is flowing and then will have to redo your schedule and make some changes. Burn out is so very real during a deployment but you can do things to help stay more balanced.

Whatever you do, however you choose to stay busy, know that it is okay to take a down day, or not schedule so much. Figure out a good balance and remember that how you choose to spend the time might look different than how other people do. Find things you enjoy, and don’t be afraid to say no sometimes.

Make sure to check out my other deployment posts to help you through and enjoy these blog post from other military spouse bloggers on self-care and staying busy:

What does milspouse self-care look like anyway?

Self-Care for MILSOs: A Deployment’s Worth of Healthy Practices

50+ Amazing Things Military Spouses Can Do During Deployment

Finding Your Inner Deployment Strength as a Military Spouse

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Finding Your Inner Deployment Strength

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

It was the song, just something about the song that snapped me out of my deployment funk. It wasn’t the lyrics really, just the beat. The way the music made me feel.

We were at the end of my husband’s 2nd deployment. I was struggling a bit. He had been gone almost a year and I was so ready for him to be home. But we still had more days left. Too many.

I had taken my son out in a friend’s jogging stroller and I was listening to my iPod. Remember those?

The song, Galway Girl by Steve Earle came on and something hit me. I could do this. I could.

I started to feel strong again. And that we could make it through the rest of this deployment. That we could make it to the finish line.

I had found my inner deployment strength!

That song made me want to dance, and cry, and just show the world that this milspouse was doing it. That she was getting through her husband’s deployment. That she was finding a way to get to that finish line.

And we did. My husband came home soon after and the deployment finally ended. Somehow we made it through. Through all the long days and nights, he was finally home.

I think of that moment all the time. I thought about it during the deployments that came after and even more recent times that my husband has been away. Bringing up that memory reminds me that I am strong enough and can get through what the military life sends my way, and sometimes it sends a lot.

That memory reminds me that I am capable and I can do hard things. That I can get to a place of strength even if it doesn’t always feel like I can. That some days might be difficult but on others, I can feel like I can accomplish anything.

So if you are in the middle of a deployment, remember, you are strong enough for this. You are.

You might not always feel like you are. You might have days when making it to your kid’s bedtime seems impossible. When the thought of three more months seems unreal. When you don’t think you could ever go through another deployment again in the future.

But you will also have days filled with laughter making memories with your kids, or family and friends. You will have days where you can’t stop smiling at the thought of being with your spouse again. You will have days where you will know you got this!

And such is the way of military life. The ups and downs. The good and the bad.

As I look back, I still think about how random it was to be able to find the strength to get through the end of the deployment from a song. But sometimes that’s just how things go.

Sometimes it is a song, or a call from a friend, or even a photo that is the reminder you need to get through this. Sometimes, it doesn’t take too much to help you get to a better place and find your inner deployment strength.

Remember to give yourself grace. Remember you are not alone in this military spouse experience. Remember, this too shall pass.

What is your BEST tip for getting through a deployment???

To The Military Spouse Who Needs To Know They Are Not The Only Ones

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One of the best things about the military spouse community is to be able to meet other spouses and know that you are not alone. To know that you are not the only person who is going through what you are going through. To know that you have people to share with, people who get it, and people who understand is such an amazing feeling.

Military spouse, you are not the only one who misses their husband or wife, even when they are gone for a shorter period. You know that down the road, they will be gone longer, but for now, a week or two apart feels like a little too much. You are not the only one who feels this way, so many of us miss our spouses even if they are gone for one day.

Military spouse, you are not the only one who feels broken during a deployment. Who feels like your life has changed so much and that things will never be the same again. You are not the only one who has to ask for extra help from family, friends, or even professionals to get through.

Military spouse, you are not the only one that is hating the thought of moving to your new duty station. 

You are not the only one that has thought about how you can stay, even as your spouse has to go. You are not the only one who has shed tears over the move or who wonders why things worked out the way they did for you to have to go there.

Military spouse, you are not the only one that has struggled with their faith simply because of the emotions that a deployment can bring. You are not the only one who wonders if God even answers your prayers because it doesn’t always feel like it. You are not the only one who has figured out a different path to be on, because of everything you have been through.

Military spouse, you are not the only one solo parenting that has hit a wall during deployment and felt like you want to send your children over to Afghanistan in a care package. You are not the only one that is planning a getaway just for you after your husband returns home. You are not the only one who wonders how in the world you will make it to that finish line with these kids and everything that needs to get done.

To The Military Spouse Who Needs To Know They Are Not The Only Ones

Military spouse, you are not the only one who can be annoyed with their spouse one minute and wish that they never had to leave the next.

You are not the only one who can’t wait for them to deploy only because you are tired of all the pre-deployment stress and fighting. You are not the only one who wishes you could talk to them whenever you want to and then not sure what to talk about when they do start calling you every day.

Military spouse, you are not the only one who has mixed feelings about homecoming. You are not the only one who worries about your marriage after so many months apart. You are not the only one who remembers how things were before they left and wonder if they will get any better now that the deployment is over.

Military spouse, you are not the only one who is worried about money. You are not the only one who debates on if you should get a better job, or if you should even be staying home with your children. You are not the only one who feels like you have made money mistakes in the past and pray you won’t make them in the future.

Military spouse, you are not the only one struggling with a mental illness.

You are not the only one dealing with anxiety that becomes even worse when your spouse has to be away. You are not the only one dealing with depression, wondering if you should go on meds or not, and working hard to get through what you need to do each day.

You see, sometimes we can misunderstand people, especially in our social media world. We can assume that everyone else is not going through what we are. We can assume that everyone else has figured it out.

People tend to only post the positives or the good things on social media. They don’t talk too much about their struggles. They don’t share the whole journey, just the result.

To The Military Spouse Who Needs To Know They Are Not The Only Ones

As a military spouse, not everything is going to work out the way that you want things to work out.

There will be frustrations and annoyances. There will be times when you want to throw in the towel and walk away. But there will also be times when you look at your spouse and know they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. That you will meet people or experience things that make your heart so very happy. That you will see the big picture and realize that you can get through this life, the best way you know how.

As you connect with other spouses, either in person or online, don’t be afraid to share your struggles. Work together to get through them and figure out solutions. Remember, there is no such thing as the perfect military spouse. There are only spouses that do their best every day to get done what they need to get done and be there to support their spouse.

So to the military spouse that needs to know they are not the only one, find people who get it. Find others who understand. If you are surrounded by people who don’t understand your life, you are only going to get frustrated. Get out there at your military installation, or find a good military spouse Facebook group online. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and take chances. If you can do this, your military life will become a bit easier, and you will see that you are indeed not alone in your journey.

To The Military Spouse Who Needs To Know They Are Not The Only Ones

9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

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9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

When faced with a difficult situation, sometimes the only thing to do is laugh. Sometimes during military life, you will feel like what you are going through is so ridiculous, that you can’t even get upset. Plus, laughter really is the best medicine.

Here are 9 times you just have to laugh during military life:

1. When your spouse gets orders to a place you said you never wanted to go.

If you have ever said, “I just don’t ever want to be stationed X,” and then the military gives your spouse orders for X, you just kinda have to laugh. And maybe not say that again in the future. They are listening.

2. When you make friends in the strangest places

You are probably assuming you are going to go out there and make friends through your kid’s soccer team, or even the FRG meeting. But sometimes, we make friends in the strangest ways. From connecting with another spouse who has also been waiting over an hour at the doctor’s office, to someone who is from your home state, who you instantly connect with just because of that.

3. When you accidentally hand the gate guard your credit card

If you haven’t done this before, you probably will eventually. And when you do, hopefully, your gate guard has a sense of humor and makes a funny joke about your mistake. Then you can share with your friends and laugh together.

4. When the homecoming date gets changed so many times, you just give up and hope they are home before your next birthday

It’s so hard when the homecoming date gets changed but at some point, you just have to laugh. Dear military, get things together and bring my spouse home already! Thanks!

5. When people think your life is just like the show Army Wives

No, nope, no, no, no. Just like any show based on any career path, say Grey’s Anatomy, things are pretty much only sorta true sometimes, and usually very wrong. Now you can let the person now how different military really is.

6. When you told someone you could never do a thing and the military makes you do a thing

There are so many times this has happened to me. From PCSing overseas to going through another deployment. At one time I even said that I could never solo parent. Truth is, you can do more than you think you can. That’s how we get through military life.

7. When your friend from Fort Bragg becomes your friend at Fort Campbell

This is a fun experience to laugh about. Sometimes you might make a friend at one duty station, and then surprise, five years later, they can be your friends at another. In some ways, your service member’s branch isn’t as big as you think it is and you can be reunited with people you really love. Thank you Military!

8. When people ask when you will be able to visit home again

Hahahaha…if only they knew how hard that was. Between deployments, a PCS, and the cost of airfare, it’s hard to know if and when you can visit. Plans always seem to change and nothing is certain until after the fact. Maybe it is better if your family comes and visits you?

9. When things work out the way they are supposed to

One time, my husband’s R&R was changed, and I had to cancel a trip to Walt Disney World. On the other hand, that meant his R&R was over our anniversary and we were able to plan an amazing anniversary trip. I couldn’t believe how it worked out. You almost have to laugh that everything worked out the way it did. Although I am still waiting to go to Walt Disney World, so…

I hate being stressed out all the time. And yet, that is my natural reaction to a lot of what happens in the military life. That is why I think it is important to laugh when you can. Laugh at the little things, laugh at the big things, and work towards a more balanced life.

What makes you laugh about military life???