Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

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3:30 in the afternoon. That is when it hit me the most. My husband was deployed, I had a two-year-old, and a baby, and 3:30 pm was the worst.

We were pretty much done with our activities for the day, but 3:30 was too early to start dinner. What in the world do I do with these kids?

How will I make it to bedtime? Once I get through that, I knew I would have some time to myself, as long as I could stay awake long enough to enjoy that much needed time.

As I think back to our past deployments, these moments, the times when I was so burned out, I couldn’t imagine what else I could do. The times when I would burst into tears, when I cried with my kids, when I sobbed after they went to sleep because I just wanted a break.

So, to the burned out military spouse mama, these days can be a struggle. 

You want things to go smoothly, but then they don’t.

You want to be able to get everything done, but you can’t.

You are missing your spouse more than anything, and struggle to help your kids through the deployment as well.

Mama, you need to breathe. It’s going to be okay. It really is.

This is simply a season of your life, and this feeling will not last forever.

Whatever parenting struggle you are dealing with at the moment, whatever it is you are trying to work through, this too shall pass.

When your kids are young, you might struggle with sleeping, and teaching them to eat, and potty training.

And then as they get older, you are trying to figure out how to get out of the house on time, how to handle kids and friendships, and how to get them to do their homework.

You will have to deal with sibling rivalry, and kid’s sports, and watching them grow.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

And through it all, you will feel burned out, often when your spouse is deployed.

You will wonder when you can catch up, when things feel more at peace, when things will get easier.

So to the burned out military spouse mama, take each day as it comes.

Make lists, to help you stay organized.

Find friends, those you can depend on, and have fun with.

Give yourself a break; you never have to be the perfect mother, just one that loves your kids and wants the best for them.

If your spouse is deployed, and the burned out feeling lasts a little too long, see what you can change about your routine. See what you can add or take away from your life. Find fun ways to celebrate the days you have already gone through.

Remember that nothing does last forever.

Your child will eventually sleep through the night, giving you more energy, and time to yourself.

Your son will eventually learn to use the bathroom, and won’t go to kindergarten in diapers.

Your daughter will eventually not throw a fit when you serve her vegetables.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

As you raise your children, through each stage, you will get frustrated, you will be burned out, and you will figure out a way through.

Special needs mamas can have different struggles. As one myself, I know that my 11-year-old isn’t doing all the things that an 11-year old should. This can be so overwhelming sometimes.

But even with him, I see change, I see growth, and even though it often feels like two steps forward, one step back, we are improving.

So to the burned out military spouse mama, you got this.

Maybe it doesn’t feel like it today, maybe it feels like you will feel this way for a long time, but you got this.

Whatever the struggle, whatever you are dealing with, you got this.

No matter how long you will be solo parenting, no matter how difficult your kids might be at the moment, you got this.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

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9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

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I moved out of my parent’s home and away from my hometown when I was 18. I couldn’t wait to explore and live somewhere else. I couldn’t wait for that independence. I was so ready and left when I had the chance to go.

When I did that, I didn’t know how far that independence would take me. When I was 26, we moved from Northern California to Kentucky, even further away. When my husband joined the Army, we moved to Germany, an ocean away. We came back to Tennessee and have been here ever since, and where we live now is exactly 1,985.9 miles away from “home.”

There is a part of me that yearns to be back. To be able to live where I used to live, to be able to do the things I used to do on a regular basis (like go to Disneyland once a week,) and to live the life I used to have.

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

But here is the thing…

Time has moved on, not just for me, but for my hometown. Maybe this isn’t true for everyone, but where I grew up is so different in 2022 than when I left in 1997. There is a lot more traffic, and less rain, and Disneyland is way more expensive.

I once had a pastor tell me something that still sticks with me to this day. I told him about our church back in California and how special that place was. How I wanted to find something like that again.

He told me that while that was amazing, if we left right then and returned, the church would be a different place. That it is easy to assume everyone from our past is frozen in time, but that isn’t true. People have changed, places have changed, and going back wouldn’t be like stepping right back in right after we left.

So if I were to pack up my family and head back to Southern California, things would be different. And maybe part of that is that I have changed. I am used to life in other places, not so much the life of someone in Southern California. This hit me hard on one of my most recent visits.

And it isn’t like I couldn’t adjust to life there again, I am sure I could. I am sure that over time, things would be okay. But remembering that I can never go back to 1997 and how things were back then is a comfort to me in a place so far from home.

As military spouses, many of you don’t live near where you grew up.

Some of you might just be a few hours away, others, across the ocean. You could be the type of person who couldn’t wait to leave, or maybe you never thought you would until you married your soldier and you had to go. Living away from home can be difficult, even for those of us who couldn’t wait to move away.

You miss things. You miss birthdays, weddings, and other events that make you sad to think about. You become the people that other people used to know. You become a part of their history and are no longer a part of their present. And that can be hard to take.

Homesickness can be real. You can feel like you gave up everything and for what? You might wonder if the time away is worth it. If spreading your wings a bit was worth it the homesickness.

How can you be content when the military moves you far from home?

Here are some ideas:

Embrace your independence

When you leave home, you become more independent just by doing so. There is now a lot more distance between you and your family, between you and what you are used to, between you and your comfort zone. You have to do things you didn’t think you would have to do, and you will grow stronger for it.

Embrace this independence that comes from being far from home. Take a look back at what you have done on your own. Look ahead to the future and on what you can accomplish based on these skills you have learned.

Explore your new home

Get out there and see what your current area has to offer. It might be totally different than what you are used to, but that’s okay. This will force you out of your comfort zone, but that can be a good thing.

Look up bucket lists for your new duty station, talk to your neighbors, and look for what other people do in their free time. Getting involved in your new community will help you find contentment there and lessen the effects of homesickness.

Visit

Yes, you moved away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever visit. Now, how often you visit is going to depend on many different factors. You might not be able to afford to do so too often, or maybe you can go home for every holiday. Find a good balance and what will work for you and your family.

If you live close enough, it might be possible to go home every weekend. This might not be the best idea if you want to dive into your new community. Give yourself some time to be where you now live, and not just escape home whenever you get the chance. If you can figure out a new home that is just a few hours from where you are from, those skills will help you when you move farther away.

Invite

Invite your family and maybe even friends to visit your new home. Show them around, show them your new life. Let them see what you are experiencing. Your friends and family want to know you are in a good place and showing them that place firsthand can be a wonderful thing.

When the military moves you far away from home, it can be so hard to figure out how to be content. There is a lot to miss about home, and for many, it can feel like your new duty station will never feel that way. Give yourself some time, get out of your comfort zone, and look for the good in your new place.

Where was the first place you lived after moving away from home?

The Journey of Accepting My New Diet and Finding Out Chipotle Has Way Too Much Sodium

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The Journey of Accepting My New Diet and Finding Out Chipotle Has Way Too Much Sodium

One of the biggest parts of being diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease is having to change the way I eat and figuring out my new diet. As a disclaimer, this post will be about my personal journey with food, diet, and CKD. Please do your own research when it comes to what you can and can not eat if you also have been diagnosed with it. I have found that different people can eat different things based on their numbers, what their doctors have said, and their own health history.

Figuring Out My New Diet

When I first knew that my eGFR numbers meant I had kidney disease, I started researching what that mean for my diet. I knew I would have to make some changes. There were the big ones such as no more dark sodas, which meant saying goodbye to my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper, and eating lower sodium foods. I wasn’t one to put extra salt on most of my foods but I knew I would have to change some of my eating habits.

I also know I couldn’t change everything at once. I knew that it would take some time so I slowly started the journey of figuring out my new diet. At first, I dropped things that were obvious no-nos such as hotdogs, and anything pre-packaged and processed. That seemed to be the easier part.

I also started reading labels. How much sodium was in my cereal? In a bagel? In my meal at Chipotle? And that was eye opening. Chipotle has so much sodium in it. When I was looking for information on it, I found Reddit posts about how much sodium they put in most of their foods. I realized that Chipotle, my previous comfort food, was no longer going to be an option for me on my new diet.

Cutting Back On Soda

Oh man, this is going to be hard. It’s definitely a journey. And will take time to get to where I need to be.

Next, I started cutting back on the soda. I then got to where I had cut out the dark sodas 100% and I started ordering Spite and 7up but I am not that huge of a fan of those drinks expect maybe on an airplane. So after a few weeks I realized I needed to stick to mostly water.

As I started reading more labels, looking up more foods, and trying to figure out what I can actually eat, I have found myself feeling pretty sad about it at times. Going out to eat is one of my favorite things to do however, going out to eat and trying to eat this way is so very difficult.

Remembering Why I Now Have to Eat This Way

The one thing that I know will help me the most on this journey and sticking with my new diet is knowing that if I eat well, my kidneys will have a better chance, and that means I will have a better chance of living a longer life. It also is a good way to drop some of my bad eating habits, lose weight, and just become a healthier person.

I also know that I am still learning and figuring out new ways to eat. That I might make some mistakes, but it is all apart of the journey. I will have to give up things I never thought I could, and that can be empowering.

Yes, Chipotle has too much sodium, and I have to stay away from things everyone else around me won’t have to, but I will be able to figure out the best way forward with my eating.

When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

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When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

If you are a military spouse, and you get sick, it is probably going to be when your spouse is deployed, or otherwise not at home. You can thank Murphy’s law for that, I know I have been hit by Murphy myself.

While you can get to a place where you feel you are rocking a deployment, a stomach bug can turn things upside down, especially if you have young kids.

So…what should you do? What can you do? Here are some helpful tips for when you are sick and your spouse is deployed:

Ask for help

When you are sick, you might have to actually ask for help. If you are like me, this is going to be hard for you. I hate asking others for help and will try to do it all myself first.

However, I am not Superwoman and sometimes, I really need that extra help. If you have a close friend, see if they can bring you a few things from the store, or pick up a child from school. Most people are more than willing to help out a solo parenting military spouse.

Say no

If you are not feeling well, you are going to have to say no to some things. This can be hard to do sometimes. But we are all human, and we are all trying to get it all done, even if our spouse is overseas. And sometimes that means saying no, especially when we are sick.

Maybe the FRG won’t have as many food dishes that night, maybe a kid will have to skip practice, but sometimes we do have to let some things go during a deployment. Don’t burn yourself out when you are sick and don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to certain things. Besides, if you are contagious, you want to stay at home anyway.

Let your kids help you

If your kids are old enough, let them help you. Older children can help you with younger kids. Children can do extra chores, or help you around the house. Think about small ways they can help make things easier for you when you are sick.

Take care of yourself

In the end, remember to take care of yourself. Your health is important and you don’t want to ignore something that could become more serious later. Try to rest when you can, drink plenty of fluids, and get yourself to the doctor if you need to.

You should also be taking care of yourself before you get sick to hopefully lessen the chances of catching something. If you haven’t been for a checkup in a while, make an appointment. Don’t forget about your own dental care, and follow up on anything you think you need more information about.

When you get sick, all you really want to do is hide under your blankets but during a deployment, that probably isn’t going to be possible. Remember to ask for help if you need it, say no to some things, see if your kids can help, and remember that your health is important too.

Have you ever gotten really sick when your spouse was deployed? What did you do to get through that?

My Emotional Journey of Being Diagnosed With Chronic Kidney Disease

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I am 45 years old and this year I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.

Finding Out About My Kidneys

In May of this year, I went in for my annual doctor’s appointment. I will admit, I didn’t really want to go but I did. And I am so glad I did. I had some blood work done, and it came back with come concerning results.

I was referred to several different specialists, including a urologist. One of the concerns was my creatinine levels and my eGFR number. For my age and gender, the average for those numbers is a creatinine level of .5-1.1, and an eGFR of 99. My numbers were a creatinine level of 1.7, and an eGFR of 34. This was not good news.

I looked back at my older labs and was a little shocked to see that my numbers had been normal in 2019, but started to fall in 2020. But I never really paid close attention to them and they weren’t “bad” enough for the doctor to be concerned. They were now what is concerned Kidney Disease 3b. I have learned from spending time in Facebook groups for people with CKD that most people don’t get diagnosed until 3a or 3b.

How I Was Diagnosed With Chronic Kidney Disease

I am not totally sure why this. But it seems to be what happens.

So although I hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet, I knew what was going on. I just didn’t know why. Kidney disease wasn’t something I ever thought about. It didn’t seem to run in our family.

I was sent to have an ultrasound on my kidneys, and then a CT scan. I also went to my first urologist appointment. It was there they explained that their job was to figure out if my bladder was the reason for the decrease in my kidney function. She said one of the things could be a blockage in my bladder.

Ureteral Obstruction

Due to the results of the CT scan, I was scheduled for an exploratory surgery where they would be able to see what was going on with my bladder and if there was a blockage. I had this in August and it was explained to me that if they did find a blockage they would insert two stents to help temporarily correct things. But they wouldn’t know until after the surgery started.

So the first thing I asked when I woke up was, “Do I have stents…?” And the answer was yes. That meant that they did in fact find a blockage, which was good news because it meant that we probably found a cause for the reduced kidney function.

I have what is called a ureteral obstruction on both sides, but one is worse than the other. The tubes, called ureters, carry the urine from the kidneys to the bladder. Picture a straw that has a kink in it, the liquid doesn’t flow like it should and so the urine is backing up within the kidneys causing the decrease in function.

Surgery to Fix It

I will be having surgery next month to fix it. They will cut out the obstructed area of the tube and reattach it, almost like what do if you have a hole in a hose and need to repair it. This will hopefully stop the problems I am having with losing kidney function.

Once that is done, I can truly focus on the reality of now having kidney disease. Unfortunately just because they can fix the obstruction doesn’t mean my kidneys will go back to normal. Now, my eGFR can go up a little bit and I can hopefully stay in that range for decades. My doctor has hope that I can stay away from stage 5.

It’s humbling to know that I have something going on that could be terminal. But, I also know that I can most likely live a long life even with kidney disease. I have had to change my diet a bit which is hard, and I am not quite where I want to be yet. That is a journey in and of itself.

Meeting With the Nephrologist

I did meet with a nephrologist and have been officially diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. That was super helpful and was able to ask some questions and get a lot of information. And going to see him really helped me understand how real this all was.

I don’t know what the future holds and just trying to take it day by day and appointment by appointment. Seeing so many different doctors, having so much blood being taken, and even having multiple surgeries is all really new to me. I sometimes have to take a deep breath, say some prayers, and hope for the very best.

What Milspouses Need When They Are Feeling Lonely

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Loneliness and deployments go hand and hand, don’t they? It just seems to be apart of the deal. We miss our spouse or partner when they are away, and that loneliness can come after too many days apart.

I know I feel it. Sometimes very strongly.

Loneliness can hit at the most random of times. From when I see another couple holding hands or our favorite song comes on the radio…yes I sometimes still listen to the radio, don’t judge 😉

Right after my husband left for his first deployment, I was sitting with a few other wives. We were waiting to see the men drive by on the buses, so we could wave goodbye one last time. As we sat there, we really didn’t know what we were really dealing with.

We didn’t know then how hard the deployment would be. How scary the deployment would feel at times. We really had no idea how lonely we would feel over the months our husbands were deployed.

As the deployment got going, the feeling of loneliness took over me. I remember sitting in my bathroom, after my son went to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through that time without my husband. He is the one person I could talk to about anything.

Even the silly things. The everyday things. The things spouses talk about with one another.

So what can you do when you are feeling so lonely during a deployment? What do milspouses need when they are feeling this way?

A true community

Maybe it is online, maybe it is friends at your duty station, but you need to find some type of community. A group of people to help you through and help you get through that loneliness.

Finding that community can be quite difficult sometimes. You might not feel like you belong or that anyone else cares. But people do, many people do. You just have to find them.

Military spouse communities can be your best support. Other spouses who get it and understand. Other spouses who know all about that deployment loneliness and can get what you are going through.

A good support system

Your support system goes even deeper than your community. It is your parents and your siblings and your friends back at home. It is your milspouse best friend and your civilian neighbors that can help you out when you need it.

Us military spouses need people we can vent to without judgment. We need people who we can call if we have to take a kid to the ER or need someone to help us out with some type of issue. And we need people we can connect with when that loneliness sets in.

Ways to stay busy

Staying busy is one of the best things you can do to get through a deployment. Even more so when that loneliness sets in. You can stay busy in your home, working on projects. You can stay busy by going out, and even hanging out with other people.

Although right now that might be a bit difficult with 2020 and all, normally, finding those friends to spend time with will speed up your deployment.

Back when we were going through a deployment in Germany, a friend and I would let each other know when we needed a “steak night.” That meant, going to one of our houses, ordering pizza for the kids, and making ourselves a nice steak dinner.

It was a way to stay busy, spend time with friends, and that helped so much with the loneliness both of us were feeling.

What do you do when you are starting to feel lonely during a deployment?

The Camo in my Living Room

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The Camo in my Living Room

I walk into my living room, and it is there. The camo. The color of the military.

Normally, this all lives in other parts of the house, put away, until it is needed. But today, I can see his military gear, and I know what that means.

The camo in my living room means he is getting ready to go. To serve. To train. To fight.

The camo in my living room means that I won’t be able to see him for a while. That he will be living somewhere else. That it is time for him to go.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for a little while, and that isn’t quite so bad.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for way too long, and my heart breaks a little when I think about what that means.

Often times, us military spouses get into the days of every day life. Our spouse is home, and while he might put on a uniform every day, or even just once a month, we feel pretty settled and content with everything.

And then we see the camo in the living room…

And we are reminded of what they signed up for, and what their purpose is.

And if we have been through this before, we are reminded about the lonely nights, the heartfelt goodbyes, and the long awaited homecomings.

We know we can get through what is ahead, although sometimes, we lose sight of that.

And even if we know we can get through any time apart, that doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

As we see them prepare for whatever is ahead, we wonder why we choose this road. Why did we marry a soldier? Why did we stand by when they signed those papers?

And as we watch our spouse packing things up, we know.

We know that this is who they are, and this is what they feel called to do. And we know that we feel called to them and for that, we know we can get through this challenge too.

As military spouse, we can go through periods of time when life just feels a little too hard. When we wish things were a little different, or that we had made different choices.

But…

As we watch them and see that camo in our living rooms, we feel a pride in our spouse that has chosen this road. And that even if watching them leave is difficult, we can stand by them as they go.

We know that we don’t have to go through all of this alone, other military spouses are doing the exact same thing.

We know we can help other spouses through this, because we have been there before.

We know that in the end, there is no other person we would rather be with, military and all.

So to those of you who also see camo in your living room during this season, you got this.

Even if the days are long…

Even if the tears keep coming…

Even if it seems like too much…

Because you are a military spouse, and you have the strength to handle the difficulties and challenges this life brings.

If you are getting ready to say goodbye, whether for just a few weeks or a lot longer, please visit the rest of my deployment blog posts, and know you are not alone.