Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

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He had been gone a few months, and I was getting used to the deployment. As if you could get used to living without your spouse. I was at that point where missing him went pretty deep.

I missed him being around. I missed the time we had together. I missed him coming home from work. I missed everything about him.

But then I reminded myself that missing your spouse is a part of the military spouse package.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

Deployments will happen. He will be gone. And I will miss him. 

When they first deploy, you miss their presence in your home. You miss them being there on a lazy Saturday and being there for your kids. But months into the deployment, missing them feels different.

The truth about missing your spouse is that sometimes you get used to doing so and other times you miss them so much you feel like your heart is going to burst. And you can have both of these feelings in the same week.

You can get to a point where them being gone is your norm. You have your routine. You feel as though you can make it through the deployment. Then one day you wake up and realize you haven’t kissed them in six months and you will have to wait for a few more.

You walk by a couple and feel pains of jealousy even though you have never met them before.

Even the simplest of things like holding hands when you are walking down the street seems like a huge loss. 

You miss the silly jokes and the flirting you guys do with one another.

You laugh at how you used to get annoyed when he worked an extra hour. You would give anything for that now.

You know he could be gone longer, but all you want at the moment is for him to be home ASAP.

You talk yourself into doing something fun, even if you are not in the mood to do so.

You smile for your kids, hug them while they cry, and try to reassure them that Daddy will be home soon, even if it is going to be a while.

Missing someone on a day-to-day basis is exhausting.

You will feel that catching up with you. Breathe. Try to find ways to relax. Try to find ways to connect with each other, even from overseas.

Know that all you are doing is getting through X amount of days before you will be together again. This is just a number. Your number might be long, your number might just be a few weeks, but you just need to get through them.

During my hardest days, I remind myself that all I need to do is get through those days the best way that I can. I plan things, I write in my journal, I remember all the fun times we have had and know we will have more in the future.

Missing your spouse is going to be difficult. This is a good thing.

That means you guys are connected, that you love one another, and when you are apart it can hurt.

That doesn’t mean you will be sad 100% of the time. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. At the end of the day, you have to live your life, even without them.

Staying in bed for a nine-month deployment simply isn’t an option.

The truth about missing your spouse is in the end, the distance makes you stronger. You figure out ways to get through those days apart. You learn how to communicate in ways you didn’t have to in the past. You learn not to take one another for granted.

If you are in a period of time where you are missing your spouse, know that you are not alone. So many other military spouses, as well as other spouses, are going through the same thing. You will get through this. You will make it to the other side.

What do you to help yourself when you are really missing your spouse?

Looking for more deployment posts?

The Independent Dependents in the Military World

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The Independent Dependents in the Military World

PCS by myself with an 18-month-old. Check.

Go 11 months without seeing my husband. Check.

Give birth without my husband by my side. Check.

As military spouses, we have to do so many things, all by ourselves, that we never thought we would.

When I was giving birth to my first little boy, before Army life, I knew I wanted more children. I never would have thought that my husband wouldn’t be there for their births too.

When we got married, and I looked back at previous long-distance relationships, I never thought I would go through that with him. A long-distance marriage? Who wants that???

If someone would have told me at 23 that when I was 26 I would be moving an 18-month old to Germany by myself, I would have told them they were crazy. There was no way I was going to do that, nope.

You probably have similar stories. During military life, you may have had to do things you didn’t think you would have had to do. Things that didn’t even seem possible. Things your former self wouldn’t be able to wrap your mind around.

But the truth is, although they may call us “dependents” we are anything but. We have to be independent, in so many different ways.

If your spouse is deployed, you will probably be the one making a lot of the decisions around the house that you normally would make together. Parenting? That all falls to you pretty much. Sure, your deployed spouse can give you some input but they are not the ones there on a day-to-day basis.

This can be SO taxing sometimes. And can lead to some serious burnout. You might feel like you are never going to get a break. No matter how many times people remind you that you are strong, it doesn’t always feel like it.

On the other hand, becoming more independent, being the person who holds everything all together, that can feel empowering. You can take that strength with you through the rest of your military journey.

I know for me, when I am feeling not quite so strong, I remind myself of my 15-month deployment, or that I took a Space-A trip from Germany and back again with a two and four-year-old. I remind myself that I can do hard things, scary things I never thought I would be able to do.

Yes, we are “dependents” as far as what the military will officially call us, but we are anything but.

We work hard to keep things together, we have to be both mom and dad, and we do it each and every day because we know we have to.

If you are new to this life, you could be feeling so very intimidated by all of this. Maybe you consider yourself fiercely independent, but at the same time are not sure what to expect. Maybe you don’t feel that way at all, and wonder how you will get through so much alone.

The truth is, you will surprise yourself, time and time again. What seems impossible right now, will be possible when you have to go through it.

I can remember when my husband first talked about joining the military. Our son was not even a year old and all I could think was that if he did join, I would have to parent without him and I couldn’t do that. I needed him with me, at home, each and every day.

But then something changed. He left for Germany, and I was suddenly a solo parent to a 13-month-old. And it was so, so very hard at the time. But somehow I made it through that, and many more months and years of solo parenting to come.

I learned a big lesson when my husband joined the Army. That I could do hard things that I didn’t think I could do.

That I could be more independent than I thought I could be. That I could figure out how to make things work, and how to get through this crazy military life.

I don’t have it all figured out. Sometimes when he is gone, I really wish he was home. Being the main person to take care of the home, and the boys, in addition to everything on my plate is overwhelming at times. But, at the end of the day, I know I can handle what comes my way.

Handling military life doesn’t always mean I have to handle every little thing personally. I can ask for help. I can hire a service. I can take certain things off my plate.

Asking for help never comes easy for me. I want to be able to do everything all myself. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone else.

But sometimes, I simply can’t. I have to ask. I have to find someone to help me.

Being independent might not always come easy, even though we are required to be so.

If you are married, you are in a partnership. You want to help each other out. But sometimes, especially during a deployment, your partner and you might feel pretty distant, or that you have to do everything the two of you might do together.

This is one of those things that can be so difficult about military life. The feeling that everything falls to you. The feeling that you no longer have a partner.

But here is the thing, you do have a partner. They might be overseas, but they are still with you in spirit. They might be so busy you barely get to speak, but they still have your back. And you as the spouse will have to become more independent through this, but that will help you through other difficult times in the future.

As you look ahead on your military spouse journey, there will be seasons when everything will fall to you and there will be times when things feel more normal. There will be moments when you feel like you have all of this figured out and moments when you feel a bit lost and are unsure of what the future holds.

Remember, you are not alone in any of this. No matter where you are stationed or where you live, other spouses are dealing with all of this too. You will look back on your years as a military spouse and be amazed at everything you have gone through, and everything you have accomplished.

It’s Okay To Miss Your Spouse

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It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

Military life can look quite different depending on your service member’s MOS, time in service, rank, and location. Some service members deploy more often than others. Some go to more trainings. Over the years, things can change. You will have periods of time when they are gone a lot, and periods when they are home.

Sometimes military life is a monthly drill weekend, two weeks in the field, and random trainings with a deployment every five years.

Sometimes military life is coming and going on a regular basis, home for two weeks, gone for three. And repeat.

Sometimes military life is a nine-month deployment, home for a year, then get ready to do it again.

Sometimes military life is a CQ, right on the day you need them with you the most.

The reality is, there will be plenty of times when your spouse is away from you, and you miss them. And some of those times will be longer than others.

Sometimes, we as a military community want to play the one up game. Where your spouse has to be gone X amount of days before you can miss them. We want to say that a shorter deployment is much easier than a longer one. We don’t want to hear anyone whose spouse is gone for a shorter amount of time than our spouse is, say they are having a hard time.

But the truth is, it is okay to miss your spouse, no matter how long they are gone.

It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

You see, over the years I have realized something. While longer deployments mean more days to get through, shorter deployments can still be very difficult.

While drill weekends are so much shorter than other times we have been apart, they tend to happen at the wrong time, make that weekend pretty difficult.

While a two-week training is nothing compared to being gone all summer long, that two-week training can bring up a lot of emotions for people.

It’s okay to miss your spouse, no matter what you have been through in the past, or what you might go through in the future.

It’s okay to miss your spouse when you are the only one at the soccer game, for the third week in a row.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because it is your son’s first day of kindergarten and your husband has to look at photos from the day, instead of sending them off by your side.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because you had a date night planned and CQ got in the way.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because he has been in South Korea for five months, and he has seven more to go.

It’s okay to say that life is better when they are home and that you are having a bad time when they are gone. It’s okay to yell surrender. It’s okay to talk to others about this.

It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

As military spouses, our lives will change over the course of our service member’s career. Sometimes we will be the one there for our friends, helping them through the deployment. Sometimes we will be the ones who are missing our spouse so much, that hearing their name makes us cry.

At the end of the day, it’s okay to miss our spouse, to want them back with us, to want them not to have to go as much. Doing so doesn’t make us weak, it makes us have to figure out how to be strong.

So if you hear people say that you don’t have the right to miss your spouse because of whatever reason, ignore them. You do have that right. Whether they are gone for the weekend or for over a year. You are a military spouse, and missing your love is apart of the deal.

Going through a deployment? Check out my deployment posts; they should help 🙂 

 

To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

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To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

Maybe this was the plan. You would get married, and they would leave.

Maybe this was never the plan. You have been married for five years, and now they are going to join.

Whatever the case might be, saying goodbye to your spouse going off to basic training is a big deal, filled with so many different emotions.

You might be sad, even though this was something you wanted to do too.

You might be worried, knowing that eventually, they might have to go to war.

You might be anxious, having to be alone for the first time since you have been together.

All of these feelings are normal and expected. They come with sending a spouse or even a boyfriend or girlfriend off to join the military. This season in your life is going to feel pretty complicated, but you don’t have to go through it alone.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, to the military spouse whose husband just left for Fort Moore, to the military spouse whose wife just left for Fort Jackson…welcome to military life.

You, as a military spouse have started a new journey. One your friends and family might not totally understand. One you might not understand.

There will be lonely nights, but there will also be love letters.

There will be days when you can’t help but cry, but there will be days when you smile with pride when you first see your soldier in uniform.

There will be times when you question if you are cut out for this, and there will be days when you know in your heart you were.

As a new military spouse, everything can feel so overwhelming. What is DEERS? Where do you go to get your first ID? When will you see your service member again?

Know that you don’t have to know everything right away. I don’t even know everything after 14 years, and there is still so much I could learn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, which can also be a great way to get to know other people.

Stay busy. Whether it is during basic training, AIT, or a future separation or deployment. Staying busy is going to be the key.

Make friends. Be friendly, and be open to meeting new people. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you are going to need friends in your new life.

If you are not near a duty station, join an online group, and then when you do get to your first duty station, make plans to get out there and get to know your new community.

Don’t be afraid to cry and let things out. Military life means you might have to do that sometimes. Military life means you might not be able to always keep it all together.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, try not to second guess your decision. The decision to follow the person you love through this new life. The decision to become a military spouse.

There will be times when you will step back with wonder of all you have seen and done since your spouse joined the military. There will be times when you can support other spouses because you have been through it too. There will be times when things don’t feel so new and so scary. I promise.

If you have children, military life means solo parenting and basic training might be your first taste of that. The idea of being both mom and dad, even for a few months can be completely overwhelming. You might never have had to solo parent before, not even for a weekend.

But you will find that you will figure out how to solo parent like a boss. You might have to throw out some of your ideas, you might have to change the way you do certain things, but you will figure out what works best for you and your kids.

That might be pizza nights every Friday with a neighbor and their kids. That might mean putting off potty training a few months until your spouse is back home with you. That might mean having to rely more on friends and family than you are used to.

Basic training is going to be your first experience as a military spouse. This season is going to be hard for both of you. Remember too, basic training is not the same as regular military life.

Once your spouse gets orders to their first duty station, you will be able to move there. Sometimes this can happen quickly, and other times, especially overseas, it can take more time. But once you get there and start to get settled, your life will feel a little more normal.

If they are not deployed, or away at training, they will probably go to work every day and be home at night. They should have weekends and holidays off, and sometimes even a three or four day weekend during the year. There will be family time and time to be a couple.

This will of course change if they do deploy or have to go away for training. You might also be apart before and after a PCS and CQ means 24-hour duty. Keep this in mind when they do leave for basic and you are feeling like you will never be able to see them again or that your life will never include anything normal again. That simply isn’t true.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic…know, you got this.

However long they will be away from you, you got this.

However difficult this new military life journey may seem, you got this.

You are strong enough for this life, even if you have to take it one day a time. You are strong enough for when they are away at basic training, and any future deployment or separation. You are strong enough and you don’t have to go through this alone.

If you are just starting your military spouse journey, make sure to take a look at my blog posts on deployments, and posts on other parts of military life. You don’t have to walk this road alone.

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

Is More Flexibility the Best Way to Go?

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This post is sponsored by the Breastfeeding Shop!

The Breastfeeding Shop

I became a SAHM when I had my first baby, almost 20 years ago. During those first few months I was able to spend most of my time being a mom to just him. I didn’t have any other children to worry about.

Fast forward about six years when I had my third baby. I also had a four year old and a six year old. And a deployed husband. Taking all three of them anywhere was a challenge. I literally had my hands full.

It was during those years where I would try to find ways to make life a litter easier. I used a front baby carrier to wear the baby leaving my hands basically free to help with the other two.

When it comes to baby products, portability can be so important, especially when raising multiple children. But there are other factors to think about. At the Breastfeeding Shop, you can find a variety of breast pumps, from a more traditional table top pump to a portable wearable pump. TRICARE covers different types of pumps so you can go with what will work best for you and your lifestyle.

The truth is there are pros and cons to both table top breast pumps and wearable ones. It will boil down to what works best for you. There is a lot to think about.

Benefits of a Wearable Breast Pump

A wearable breast pump such as the Momcozy M5 Wearable Double Breast Pump or the Medela Freestyle Hands-Free Breast Pump is going to be a much more portable option. Whether you need to pump on the go, at work, or just around the house, a wearable pump is going to give you the flexibility to do so. With a wearable pump you don’t have all the tubing and you don’t have to be plugged in to use it. The wearable pump also weighs less.

Benefits of a Table Top Breast Pump

A more table top breast pump such as a Spectra S2 Breast Pump or a Medela Pump In Style With Max Flow Tech Basic has its own benefits. These types of pumps might be best for those who are exclusively pumping. They have a stronger motor, and can fully empty your breast. They might be what you need to feed your baby.

A Free Breast Pump

If you are pregnant, or even if you have already had your baby, and you have TRICARE, you should be able to get a free breast pump from the Breastfeeding Shop. You can qualify for a new breast pump for each and every birth event. That means you either gave birth to a baby or have adopted one and plan to breastfeed them.

The Breastfeeding Shop is the best place to order your free breast pump and supplies from. The Breastfeeding Shop is a family owned business who offers a range of supplies for whatever a new mom or a breastfeeding mom needs to nourish their babies.

To get your breast pump with insurance, you can fill out a form right on the Breastfeeding Shop website. Make sure you have your prescription handy. While they can contact your doctor to obtain it, providing it yourself will make the process much easier.

They have many different breast pumps to choose from. So whether you decide on a wearable breast pump for flexibility, or would rather have a more traditional pump, you can get something perfect for your baby and your lifestyle.

Did You Know About This Target Military Discount?

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One question you might have is if Target has a military discount. And they technically do!

Target is one of my favorite stores. We usually always end up there on date nights, just to walk around and pick up a few things. There is just something about that place that draws you in.

One of my earliest memories of the place was going there with my Dad and buying a watch with my allowance. The watch had different covers you could change out and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. As an adult, Target is a must stop each and every week!

One question you might have is if Target has a military discount. And they technically do!

While Target doesn’t have a regular military discount, they do offer them during the year. They started offering a 10% military discount in November for Veterans Day. They have also added the 10% military discount around the 4th of July.

The discount is available for US members of the military, veterans, and their family members, including military spouses. You can use the Target military discount online and in person.

How do you get the Target military discount?

You would need to sign up through Target Circle. If you shop at Target, you should be signed up for Target Circle anyway. Through this program, you can save money and earn rewards. It’s a lot of fun when you go to place a Target order and see you have $5.00 in rewards to use. You would verify your military affiliation through Target Circle and then be able to use your military discount.

What is the Target military discount?

The Target military discount is for 10% off of your purchases. Keep in mind that there are some exclusions so you won’t be able to use the discount on everything. However, it would be a good time to make some purchases to save a little bit of money. You can use it on two qualifying storewide purchases.

When is the Target military discount?

As I said above, the Target military discount isn’t all of the time. You can find the discount in November and for this 4th of July, you can use the discount from June 23rd through July 6th.

What else does Target do for the military community?

Target has been a supporter of Blue Star Families’ Welcome Week. This is a week that is dedicated to welcoming families into their new communities. In addition, Target also has a Military Business Council which provides resources and support to Target employees who have a connection to the military.

Where else can I use a military discount?

There are many different stores that offer a military discount during the 4th of July. Walgreens and the Academy typically have them. Stores like Lowe’s and Home Depot have a regular 10% military discount, and Kroger in the Fort Campbell area offers 10% off every Wednesday.

Happy 4th of July and happy Target shopping!

4 Military Discounts for Your Puppy Dog Friends

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4 Military Discounts for Your Puppy Dog Friends

We got our first dog Gwen in 2013. She was a hound mix and such a perfect first dog for our family. In 2021, we added Max, a blue healer mix, who was quite the fun challenge. When we got Gwen she was already one year old and housebroken. When we got Max, he was only two months old and a little puppy. He did shake things up around here but, now at two years old, he is the sweetest thing and I am so glad we have him. Sadly, Gwen crossed the Rainbow Bridge a little before Christmas and we miss her so much.

If you have a dog or any pet, you will need to buy them supplies. From food to bedding to toys. You have to love the dog toys, I know Max does!

Luckily, there are quite a few places that sell things for pets with a military discount. Here are four of them. Happy shopping!

PetSmart

PetSmart not only offers pet supplies but also grooming, a pet hotel, doggie day camp, training, and more. You can save 10% on grooming on Tuesdays, and 10% on overnight stays at their PetsHotel as a military discount. They also have a deal for every new customer where you can receive one free night on multi-night stays.

PetSmart began with its first superstores opening in 1987, although they opened with the name, PetFood Warehouse. They changed the name to PetSmart a year later. They offered pet food in large quantities for lower prices and allowed you to bring your pet into the store with you, which was a new concept at the time.

A Pup Above

A Pup Above uses whole, human-grade ingredients in their dog food. You can buy dry food or fresh food, with flavors like Texas Beef Stew, or Porky’s Porchetta. They offer a 20% military discount. You would need to send them an email and you would then receive a code. A Pup Above was founded in 2018 by Ruth and Javier Marriott and their own doggy, Lola. They were tired of not knowing what was in Lola’s food so they created their own.

BullyStick.com

At BulyStick.com you can find bully sticks, which are protein-rich, all-natural dog chews made from 100% beef. They can be ideal for keeping your pup busy and out of trouble. They offer a 15% military discount to use on their website. You can use the coupon once every 7 days and the discount is open to active duty, veterans, and dependants.

Petmate

At Petmate you can find their popular kennels as well as bedding, pet steps and ramps, training tools, feeding and watering supplies, grooming items, and more. They offer a 20% military discount. Petmate began with a focus on providing safe pet transportation. They started with their first wood crate in 1964 and with their first plastic kennel in 1973. They officially started doing business as Petmate in 2009, and have been growing ever since. While the military discount is for their website, you can also find their products at stores such as Petco and PetSmart.

If you are interested in having your own military discount added to this list of pet military discounts please contact me here for more information.