Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

The First Night After the Deployment is Over

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You have waited for months and months, and the day is finally here.

Homecoming…

The deployment is over, and you will get your spouse back…after so much time apart.

If you have never been through a deployment or homecoming before, you might be asking yourself how that first night will go after the deployment is over. For months now, you have joked with your friends about how that will be and how exciting having your spouse back in your arms again will feel. You have some idea of how things will go, but you still might not really be sure.

What if he is different?

What if she is simply too tired?

What if both of us have changed too much?

And as the day to homecoming draws near, this might be something you worry about. And that is natural, especially if your service member has been gone for a while. You don’t know what to expect or what that first night home after the deployment is over will be like.

Here are a few things to think about as your homecoming day approaches:

Talk about expectations

One thing you can do before the deployment is over is talk about your expectations for that first night. Find out what both of you are expecting and go from there. You can get on the same page about that first night before they even board a plane.

Everyone is different. After a deployment, what works for my husband and me might not work for you and your spouse. Talking about this isn’t going to hurt anything and can save you from hurt feelings and disappointment once the deployment is over.

Give them space

You might need to give your spouse some space. Think about how they have been in a war zone with their battle buddies for all these months, and now they are returning home. Things will be very strange for them, and they might need to adjust.

Your soldier or other service member might not want to come home to a long to-do list. There will be time to get back into normal life later. And that might depend on your spouse’s personality and how the deployment went for them.

Enjoy each other

If the mood is right, have fun with your spouse. Get to know yourselves intimately again. Being together might probably feel strange right at first; you might be nervous too, but that is okay.

A lot of couples decide to try for a baby right after a deployment, if this what you want to do, make sure you talk about your plans before they get home. That way, you are on the same page, and there will be no surprises that first night.

Plan for the kids and other family members

If you have children, have a plan for what you will do as a family after your spouse is home. Will you all go out to dinner? Have a nice meal at home? Make plans to see other family?

Most spouses want to bring their kids to the homecoming ceremony, but some like to see their spouse first and have the kids see them the next day. Do what feels right for your family. Sometimes, homecoming ceremonies can be in the middle of the night, and not every child can handle that. Sometimes, a fun surprise with the kids the next day can be just as amazing.

In addition to the kids, you might run into other family members who want to see your spouse too. This can be tricky because you will want your spouse to yourself. Make sure expectations are talked about before homecoming. Things can get heated when you have planned a romantic dinner at home, but your mother-in-law has invited 50 people to her house for a welcome home dinner.

Post Deployment Resources

The reintegration period isn’t always roses and sunshine. This can be difficult for both the service member and military spouse. If you or your service member are struggling, here are some resources for you to help get to a better place.

If you are going through a deployment now or will be soon, make sure to visit the surviving deployment section on my blog for more posts to help you through.

The First Night After the Deployment is Over

On the Other Side of Service

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It’s been 19 years since my husband re-joined the Army, and we were sent to Germany for four years. 18 years since I joined him, and he was deployed to Iraq for the first time. 10 years since we went from Army active duty to National Guard, and 10 months since he officially retired from the military. And this side of it feels a little bit normal and a little bit weird.

There was a time during his military service when I felt he was never home. There was always a long deployment, a training, or a monthly drill sending him away. He was always going to miss something. Big things like the birth of our second child or little things like a fun event at church. And everything in between.

There Are Huge Spaces in My Scrapbook Where He is Missing

There are huge spaces in my scrapbook where he is simply missing, and at times, it never felt like we would get to the point where we are today. A time when he would never go away. When he would never have to. When the military didn’t have a say. 

It’s been 10 months since his last drill. Last year, during his December drill, a tornado ripped through our city. I will never forget that. 

After 10 years of drill weekends, I developed a bit of a routine. There were lots of movies and TV shows he wouldn’t be interested in, Chinese food, and decluttering sessions. And now all that is over. He is home with us every weekend.

He Was Gone For So Much of My Children’s Younger Years

He was gone for so much of my children’s younger years. Birthdays, first steps, special needs diagnosis, vacations, and day-to-day life. 

But now he is here for all of it. All the big things and the little ones. 

As he retired from the National Guard, we didn’t have to think about where we would move. However, I hope we can eventually find a new place to call home. Since we were not day-to-day Army, that transition wasn’t as encompassing.

There Are Things I Am Getting Used In This New Normal

But beyond him going away for drill and other duties, there are a few other things I am getting used to.

Whenever we planned a trip, either as a family or solo, I always worried that something would come up and make us cancel. Like it did in 2020. Now, I no longer have that worry, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around. 

I sometimes miss being an Army wife and being in that community, but some of that has more to do with working full-time hours and my age. Still, I do feel disconnected from a community that was so much in my life for so many years.

Life Goes On, Seasons Change

But like anything else, life goes on. Seasons change, and things are different from how they used to be. Here, on the other side of military life, we are finding our new normal as husband and wife and family.

The me of 15 years ago dreamed of the day I would no longer have to miss my husband. That I would no longer fear so much for his safety. That I would no longer worry when the next deployment would hit or how I would get through it. And now here we are. On the other side of service. 

Are you a veteran spouse too? What has been the biggest adjustment?

On the other side of service

Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

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Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

TRICARE changes are coming in 2025. Are you ready?

TRICARE is the healthcare program of the American military. And in 2025, TRICARE is making some significant changes that could affect you.

TRICARE in the US is divided into regions based on where you live. You will be in either TRICARE West or TRICARE East. This is where there are changes.

#1 Since each region has its own contractor, TriWest Healthcare Alliance will replace Health Net Federal Services, LLC in TRICARE West. Humana Military will stay the contractor in TRICARE East.

#2 Six states will be changing to TRICARE West. Those states are Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Texas, and Wisconsin. If you are in any of those states, you will be moving from TRICARE East to TRICARE West.

The new contracts should begin January 1st, 2025.

What should you do to get ready for the TRICARE changes?

  • Make sure your information is updated in DEERS,
  • If you are in TRICARE West and make payments, make sure you update them to TriWest before or during Open Season.
  • If you are in any of the changing states, you will also need to make sure to change your payments to TriWest.
  • Make sure your providers are in-network for 2025.

Remember, too, that TRICARE’s Open Season is November 11th through December 10th, 2024. You can also visit the TRICARE website for more information on these changes or TRICARE information in general.

As a military spouse, it is always important to know your military benefits, including TRICARE. Know what type of TRICARE you have, what region you are in, and how much you may need to pay each month. TRICARE may cover certain items you are not aware of or may make changes that you need to know about. Be informed!

Going through a deployment? Looking for support? Check out my Deployment blog post section for posts all about getting through a deployment.

When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

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What You Should Do When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

So your boyfriend wants to join the military? What will that mean for your relationship?

You two have been dating for a few months, and everything seems good. You are falling for one another hard. But you have plans. You are going to graduate college and then try to find a job in your field. You hope that things keep going well for you and your boyfriend but you waiting to see how it goes. But then, one day, he says he needs to talk to you about something important.

He sits you down and says, “Babe, I think I want to join the military.”

You have been single for a while; then your friend introduces the two of you. You hit it off, and before you know it, you are on date number three. But then, he lets you know that next year he will be joining the Army.

You and your boyfriend just started your senior year; you have been together since you were 15 years old. You want to marry him. As you are figuring out what you will do after high school, he tells you he wants to sign up for the Air Force.

Any of these situations sound familiar? While there are many different ways to become a military spouse, hearing your boyfriend talk about enlisting in the military is the first step to one of them. If this is you, you might be a bit confused, a bit terrified, and a bit unsure of what you should do.

You want to support the man you love, but what does this mean for your future together?

Breathe

The first thing you want to do when your boyfriend tells you he wants to join the military is to take a deep breath. This doesn’t have to mean the end of you two. In fact, joining the military could be a very good thing.

Try not to jump to conclusions quite yet. You need to figure out his plan first. You need some time to think about if this is what you want for your future too.

Find out what his plan is

Talk to your boyfriend about what their plan is. How long do they want to serve for? Do they just want to do so for a few years? Is this going to be a 20-year commitment? When will they leave? Do they know that yet?

Knowing what your boyfriend wants will help you understand what his decision will mean for you. You will be able to plan your future. You will be able to start picturing yourself in his life after he joins. And you need to try to do that to decide if this life is right for you too.

Are you committed? 

This is a difficult question. You might love this man, but you might not want to commit to this life. This happens sometimes, and it isn’t even unique to military relationships. Sometimes a couple can’t make things work because life takes you in different directions.

As his girlfriend, you should take things slow. Are you committed to being in a long-distance relationship with him? Can you be supportive of his decision or will you give him grief about it along the way? If this is what he wants to do for the next 20 years, would you be able to handle life as a military spouse if your relationship later led to marriage?

Take the long road or not

Make sure you two talk about what the decision to join the military means for your relationship. Find out what your boyfriend wants and what he is expecting. Talk about how important it is for you two to stay together through this.

For some, the decision to join the military will be too much, for others joining the military will mean new adventures that they will be able to navigate. If you talk to any military spouse, you will find that almost every single one of them has worried about how they will handle this life. But in the end, they do, because they love and support the person they are married to.

As a girlfriend, you have more choices before you head down the military life road. If you truly don’t think you can commit to this person, don’t. Because really, that is what it comes down to. Can you commit to a deeper relationship with the person you are currently dating? Some people can; some people can’t.

With any relationship, there will be times when you have to compromise. Being with a service member means you will have to do that often. Can you handle that?

What advice would you give to someone whose boyfriend wants to join the military? 

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

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It’s almost November, that means the holiday season is right around the corner. November brings colder weather, sweaters, hot chocolate, lighted fireplaces, and Thanksgiving. December brings Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, and snowy days.

This time of year is festive and made for families, but what happens when your spouse is deployed? What do you do when Thanksgiving this year is just you and your three-year-old, while your husband is serving overseas? How do you get excited about Christmas when you know the whole day you will be missing the love of your life? How do you get through the holidays when all you want to do is spend your first Christmas together, but you can’t because they are away on the other side of the world?

Here are ten tips for a military spouse getting ready to go through this holiday season with a deployed spouse:

1. Decorate like you normally would

Set up the tree, put out your decorations, and get your home looking like you usually do during this time of year. Just because your spouse is gone, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t decorate. You might even want to buy a few new decorations this season. Keeping your home festive will help with your mood, even if you are missing your spouse.

2. Focus on your daily work

Whether you work outside the home, work from home, or stay at home with the kids, focus on what you have to do each day. Don’t slack off on what you need to be doing. Focusing on your work will keep you busy and allow time to pass.

3. Plan to Facetime

Facetime or Skype as often as you can during this time of year. Even if you only chat for a few minutes. Seeing one another or getting excited about the holidays together can help your mood.

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

4. Send an amazing holiday package

Put together an amazing holiday care package for your spouse. Include some Christmas treats or anything you know they would love. You can fill a stocking, make baked goods, or just include some of their favorite items to help them celebrate the holidays, even when they are away from home.

5. Volunteer

If you can, spend time volunteering during this time of year. A lot of organizations are in need of helpers this time of year. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen, work to bring gifts to those who can’t afford them, or just be there to step in within your community. Giving back is a way to get the focus off of what you are missing and to help others.

6. Spend it with family

If you can, plan a trip back home. No, it will not be the same since your spouse is deployed but it can still be a fun holiday. Your kids can be around family and see what Christmas was like for your growing up.

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

7. Spend it with friends

If you can’t go home, find some friends in a similar boat as you are. Make plans to hang out during Thanksgiving or Christmas. You don’t have to spend all of Christmas day together but coming together on that day for a meal or even dessert can be good for all of you.

8. Open presents over Skype

If your spouse is deployed over Christmas or Hanukkah, you can film or Facetime/Skype while you are opening presents. This can be a way to bring in your deployed spouse to the day. One option is to set up your video camera to record the whole thing. This is nice when you have young children and your spouse still wants to see the joy of Christmas as they open their gifts.

9. Let the kids help

Let your kids help you decorate. Have them put the ornaments on the tree or come up with a different holiday theme. If you know they won’t want to eat a traditional meal, do something different. You can do whatever you want to have those special memories with your kids.

10. Celebrate early, or late

As military families, sometimes you will need to celebrate early or late. If they are going to deploy in November or December, celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas early. Do everything you would typically do, but on a different day. That way when the actual holiday rolls around you know that you were able to celebrate together anyway.

Remember, if they are gone this holiday season, they will probably be home the next. Try not to think they are missing a huge part of life. It might feel like they are at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it is simply one year.

You can still have a fantastic holiday season, even if you are missing them. What tips do you have for surviving the holiday season without your spouse?

When Your Spouse Won’t Be Home For the Holidays

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When Your Spouse Won't Be Home For the Holidays

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that’s a lot to take in.

October becomes November. The holidays will be here soon. Everyone else seems excited, but there is a part of you that just wants the holiday season to be over. You just want to fast forward time.

You think about what you are going to do. Should you go home to see your parents? Should you go home to see your in-laws? Should you just stay put so your kids can be in a familiar space?

You wonder about the tree. Every year you pick one out together, but this year will be different. And it hurts to think about what to do about this tradition, about all the holiday traditions they will miss.

You know you need to figure all of this out. You can’t just ignore Christmas. You can’t do that to your kids, but you feel lost.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and you are not sure how everything is going to work out.

You think about what you love about this time of year, and figure out how to get to a better place. You know they have to be away, but that doesn’t mean you have to skip anything. You start to wonder if maybe celebrating would be the best way to make it through.

As the stores put out their decorations, as the world seems to march on to the best season of all, your heart can’t get into it. Even though you really want it to.

You think about years past, and try not to worry about what they will miss. Will they be missing you as you miss them? Will they have a good holiday too, celebrating it so far from home?

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that makes you feel very much alone.

As your family and friends share what they are getting their kids, you think about how that is all up to you this year. That your spouse can’t help you with the shopping or the wrapping or by playing Santa. That all they can really do is offer a few suggestions, or maybe send some things through Amazon.

As November moves on, you wonder about Thanksgiving and how you will celebrate a day to be thankful when it feels like so much is missing. Can you get together with friends this year? Can you have a feast knowing they will miss all the fun?

Once you get past Thanksgiving, the pit in your stomach is back. You can feel it. The thought of Christmas morning, and knowing they won’t be there is a lot to think about. The thought of missing them on that day is almost too much.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but you are going to find a way through.

You think about all you have been through before. One time they left right before your 30th birthday, and you got through that. When you gave birth to your son, they were across the ocean. You survived a 15-month deployment, which included two Christmas Days, and found a way to still make the holidays special for your family.

You know you are strong enough to handle this, why doesn’t it always feel that way?

You know you have been through this before, so why does this year seem so hard?

You know you can handle the holidays with a deployed spouse, but why does it feel so impossible sometimes?

And so you do what us military spouses do. You figure things out. You find out what works.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but that doesn’t mean the holidays are canceled.

That just means they will look a little differently than they usually do. That just means you will have the chance to do things a little differently.

You and your children will create memories together, and grow as a family. You will take more photos than normal, and share them with your spouse. You will send some pretty amazing holiday-themed care packages.

You will find friends to celebrate with, or just enjoy the quiet that can come from a simple Christmas. You will figure out how to make this work, even if the way you celebrate this year doesn’t look the same as it has in the past.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and they could miss next year too.

If your spouse is in the military, they could be gone for the holidays again. They can miss Christmas, or Hanukkah, or your birthday. They can miss New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, or any holiday that is special to you.

And as military spouses, we might shed some tears about this. Missing your spouse during the holidays isn’t fun. But as military spouses, we also figure out how to make the holidays work for us, we have to. There is no other way.

So if you are getting ready to go through your first holiday season without your spouse, know you can figure out a way to get through this. Get creative. Involve friends and family. And do what works well for you and your own family.

Do you do anything special when your spouse is away for the holidays???

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

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There was so much to do that day, and my patience was running thin. He had been gone for a few months now, so most days were better than they had been. Still, I felt on edge and on the verge of tears. I send one kid off to school, took one to hourly care, and took my baby home to get some work done.

A few hours later, I was picking up my middle son at hourly. I knew I had to get home and wait for my oldest to get off the bus. Once he did, we would have to get homework done, figure out a quick dinner, and then back to post for the third time that day for soccer practice.

I could feel the tears coming. All I wanted to do was go to bed early. All I wanted was a hug from my deployed husband, but I knew I wasn’t going to get that, not that day. We were in the middle of a deployment, and I was on my own. I was in charge of everything, and I felt like I had hit some type of wall.

As we headed off post, I sat at a light waiting for it to turn green. Luckily, no one else was around. I then realized that the light was already green, and I was waiting at the green light. It was then that I realized that I needed to take the rest of the day off, as much as I could.

We would order pizza for dinner, have an early bedtime, and skip soccer that night.

Even though this happened so many years ago, I can still remember that day so vividly. This was one of many bad deployment days, but one in which I realized what was happening and ended up changing my schedule so that I could get through the day. I didn’t always do this. Some days I plowed through, only to feel at peace once I was in bed for the night. But for this bad deployment day? I had had enough and raised the white flag.

The truth is, during a deployment you are going to have your bad deployment days. You are going to have days where nothing seems to work right. You will have days where everything falls apart. You will have days where you won’t exactly be sure how you will make it through the week, let alone the four months you have left until homecoming.

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What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

If you hit a bad deployment day, there are things you can do to help:

Remember, not every day will be like this

One of the things I always tried to do during a bad deployment day was reminded myself that not every day during a deployment was going to be like that. That yes, I was having a bad day, but the next day could be much better.

That some deployment days would make me smile. That things wouldn’t always feel so depressing. Reminding myself of this helped me see the bigger picture instead of getting stuck on a bad day.

If you need to cry, cry

If you need to cry, cry. That’s okay. Sometimes that is how we can get the stress of the day out. Sometimes that is the only thing that works to get to a better place.

If you are hanging out with people that think crying is a sign of weakness, find new people to hang out with the rest of the deployment. And if you are someone that never cries? That is okay too. We all handle bad deployment days in our own way.

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

Make new plans

During a bad deployment day, take a look at your calendar. Can you add anything to it? Do you need to take something away? Do you need to change things up?

Sometimes we suffer because we are not staying busy enough and other times we do because we have too much on our plates. Finding that balance is a must, but can be hard to do. We don’t want to say no to things, but sometimes, our mental health will require it, especially during a deployment.

Reach out to friends

If you have a friend you can share with, reach out to them. If they are local, invite them over, or make plans to meet up. Text someone, call someone or even send a quick email. Reaching out to friends, and even family can be very helpful. They can remind you that everything is going to be okay and that you will get through this bad deployment day.

If you are struggling because you don’t have any good friends where you live, see what you can do to change that. Figure out where you can go to meet new people. Get out there and keep trying. You never know who you might meet when you do.

Take something off your plate

If you are struggling during a bad deployment day, it’s okay to take something off of your plate. Maybe, like me, it is skipping a soccer practice. Maybe for you, that wouldn’t be okay, but saying no to something else makes more sense.

Try to keep things in perspective and know that if you need to do less on a certain day, that’s okay. You are going through a deployment, you simply can’t do it all, and if you need to, you can say no to something that might be a little too much for you to do that day.

Whether you just started your deployment, or are in the very middle of one, getting through a deployment isn’t going to be easy. Somedays you will have to think outside the box. Somedays you will have to change things up. Somedays you will have to raise the white flag and say that you need to take a step back.

What do you do when you hit a bad deployment day? 

When You Are Raising a Military Child

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When You Are Raising a Military Child

They have had to say goodbye to at least one parent, not fully understanding when they will see them again. Not fully understanding where they have to go, or why they have to be away for so long. Not totally getting what it means to serve your country.

They have to say goodbye to the dad that makes them laugh, or the mom who helps them with their homework. To their protector, and one of the people they trust the most. And the goodbye is never an easy one.

They go through deployments, day-by-day, just like we do, but this life was never a choice for them. It was the one they were born into, and the life that they know.

They can get scared, and worried about their deployed parent. War is never easy to understand, and even harder for a child to do so. And as much as we are there to comfort them, we wonder if it is enough. We wonder how much missing a parent, for months at a time, will affect them.

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Deployment Journal for Kids by Rachel Robertson!

They have to start over, every few years, when they might not totally understand why. When they don’t want to go. When you know they will be missing their friends for years to come.

They move with us, and have to start over just like we do. And if they aren’t the ones to be moving this year, some of their friends might have to. There will always be someone PCSing in their friend circle.

One minute they are playing soccer together, laughing about something little boys do. The next, their friend is on an airplane and your heart breaks when they ask if they can still come to their next birthday party.

Our military children, so strong, so resilient, and yet sometimes it feels like we can’t help them enough. That we can’t comfort them enough. That we, alone are not enough.

Some of us raising these kids were military brats and understand what this is like. These parents remember the moves and the goodbyes. Some of us never moved as a child, and always had a parent in the home, not even going away on a business trip. All of this is just a very different way to live.

Every time we move to a new duty station, we pray for friends for our kids. We pray for stability. And we hope for a good experience.

We think about everything thing our military children have been able to experience because their mom or dad serves in the military. We think about how they were able to visit over 10 countries before they even started kindergarten, or how they were born in another country, with stories and pictures to share for years to come.

We think about all the different people they have had the pleasure to meet over the years. They might not remember the family you spent so much time with when they were toddlers, but you do, and you will always have those photos and memories that you can share as your children grow older.

These military children might have to say goodbye more times in their short lives than you ever would have dreamed. But somehow, they get through each and every one. Somehow, you all work together. Somehow.

And while military life can be so difficult sometimes, these military children are the special ones. They are being raised by our nation’s heroes, are involved in such a diverse and amazing community, and will go on to do some amazing things in the future because of it.

Us military spouses are the backbone and the constant in their lives. We won’t deploy, and we will always be there to hold their hands. We can’t replace our spouse, nor would we want to, but we can be the bridge that helps them through, anything that comes their way.

We hope that when our children are grown, they will remember the good. The trip to Disneyland after dad’s deployment, the move to Germany on their 5th birthday, or the community of friends and loved ones that surrounded them when they had to be so far away from their own grandparents and cousins.

We hope that the scary times don’t overshadow the good ones. We hope that they become stronger through all of this. And we know that no matter what, we love them, their service member parent loves them, and the military community will always be there for them, no matter where they go in this world.