Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

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Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

My husband joined the military back in 2005. These were heavy Iraq and Afghanistan days. Deployments were long and the breaks between were way too short. This was my intro to military life, and the years following shaped me into who I am today.

I was also a SAHM. Choosing to be home vs working on my career, at least for the first few years. We were stationed in Germany and at the time, I just wanted to be home with my boys. However, it was in that environment where I gave birth to this blog, which has led me to my career as a freelance writer.

This type of job fits in easily with military life. We no longer move, but if we did, if we had to be stationed somewhere else, I could take my career with me, as many of my active duty spouse friends do. So many spouses have made their careers work through military life, working on their own dreams within the crazy that this life brings.

During my early years as a military spouse, I was surrounded by the military pretty much 24/7. I depended on them for everything it seemed. From the schools my son went to, to where I bought groceries, to where I got my mail. We lived and breathed it.

There were FRG meetings, and balls to attend, and military events. So many of the spouses I met along the way were SAHMs or those who worked part-time. This fits in well with the military culture which seems to assume that if a service member is married, their spouse is at home, tending to everything they can’t.

But times change. People change. And I am not sure as many military spouses are choosing to stay home. I am not sure as many military spouses want to give up a career for their service member. If their spouse wants to join the military, they expect to be able to keep their own career path, and I don’t think that is asking too much.

The military needs to figure out how to embrace the modern military spouse. Yes, some spouses will still want to be stay-at-home parents, and that is totally fine, but if a spouse chooses not to be, can their service member still serve? Will they just walk away?

What about the FRG? Run by so many volunteers. How will that structure change with the needs of the modern military? What can be done to take that burden off of the military spouse volunteer and still provide the services that military communities need?

Will the military put money behind any of this? Will they care or just assume that things will always stay the same? Will they just assume that even within the modern military there are enough military spouses to fill in those gaps?

Age is another factor. More people are waiting longer to get married. How does this impact the military community? How will this shape the future of military culture?

I am not sure what needs to be done but taking the spouse’s career path in mind is important. Maybe making the norm of being at one duty station 5 years instead of 3 would be a great start? That would allow the spouse to put down some roots, at least for a time. I just have to believe there is more that can be done.

I know I am not the only one who has thought about the future of the military and the military spouse. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot that needs to change. But the question is, with those who have the power to change things work to do so?

What do you think needs to be changed about the military in general to reflect a more modern military culture???

The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

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The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

I do a lot of reflecting sometimes. I have always kept a journal and I like to think about where we have been as a couple and a family and where we are going. We have had to make a lot of choices over the years.

When to have kids. To move across the country. To join the military. To buy a house. To stay in Tennessee. To join the National Guard.

Sometimes it is way too easy to look back and think we shouldn’t have made certain choices. However, I don’t like to look at my life like that. Is it possible we made bad choices in the past? Yes. Does that mean the rest of our lives are messed up? No.

One of the biggest life-changing choices we made was for my husband to re-enlist in the military at age 30. It was something that we talked about for months beforehand. We had no idea what life would be like as a military family.

As I think back over the last 18 years as a Military spouse, I think in the end there have been many blessings in our marriage because of military life. Don’t get me wrong. Would I have preferred to have a husband who had never left us? Perhaps, but that wasn’t how life has been for us. 

For the last 18 years, we have said goodbye to each other too many times to count. I have been in solo parenting land off and on and that gets to me. I never thought I would be parenting alone so much of the time. This life hasn’t been easy.

But at the end of the day, there are blessings in a Military marriage.

We know what missing our spouse is like. Can you imagine never missing your spouse? I can’t.

I am not sure what that would be like? After so much time in this lifestyle, I can’t even wrap my mind around never having to miss him.  

I think missing someone can grow the relationship in a way nothing else can. If your spouse is gone and you don’t miss them at all, what does that say? It tells you something isn’t quite right. It tells you that there is probably a reason why you don’t and you and your spouse need to figure it out.

Homecomings can be the highlight of our Military experience. The feeling you get when you see your spouse again is hard to explain unless you have been through a long separation. Knowing that the months of waiting and worrying has come to a close and knowing you will finally be back in each other’s arms can be the spark that your marriage needs.

Watching your spouse in their uniform can be inspiring. You know they are doing something good in the world and you are there to support them through the mission. Knowing that you and your spouse are a part of history, and working to make the world a better place is a good feeling. There is just something about feeling that way that can help your marriage thrive.

I remember during one of our R&Rs my husband told us that through these deployments we will become that much stronger. I think this is the case for us but I know the reality that it isn’t always the case. I think deployments either make you stronger as a couple or can cause you to break.

If you are new to military life and are worried a bit about your marriage, keep in mind that there are blessings of a Military marriage. As hard as the lifestyle might be, they are there if you look for them. Hopefully, over the years, you will be able to look back and see them. I know we have.

How do you feel that the military has blessed your marriage?

Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

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Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself during deployment is figure out what you can tell yourself when you hit a low point. Little reminders, quotes, and inspiration can go a long way in helping you get through this time apart. There is something about reminding yourself why you can do this, or even how you can make it through can turn your deployment day around.

If you need some ideas, here is a list of 20 inspirational quotes for military spouses to use during deployment.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“In the face of adversity, we have a choice. We can be bitter, or we can be better.” – Maya Angelou

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll

“Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Success is not about the destination; it’s about the journey.” – Zoë Saldana

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” – Roy T. Bennett

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” – Vivian Greene

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” – Dolly Parton

“No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better.” – Unknown

“Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine

“Out of difficulties grow miracles.” – Jean de La Bruyère

“You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.” – Brian Tracy

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H.G. Wells

Chasing Your Own Dreams in the New Year

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Chasing Your Own Dreams in the New Year

Chasing Your Dreams

“New Year, New Me!” is a common phrase we hear this time of year. As the old year ends and a new one begins, we all start to think about how we can better our lives. What can we change about ourselves? What goals can we focus on? How can we chase our dreams?

As military spouses, we might not know what the new year will bring. Will our spouse deploy again? When will the deployment they are currently on end? Will we PCS? And to where? There are so many unknowns it can be hard to know what to focus on.

As a military spouse, being able to chase your own dreams is important. You want to be able to focus on yourself instead of just your spouse’s career. Your career and dreams matter just as much.

As we go into a new year, start thinking about what you want your life to look like. You might not know if you will be living in Japan or Georgia, but you can work on yourself, and your own dreams as much as possible.

Here are a few ideas:

Do you want to go to school?

Maybe you already have your college degree but want to go back for something else. Maybe you never got your degree and feel like now is the time. There are many options for military spouses to go back to school. You can go 100% online, and get that degree from your own home, no matter where that might be. You can attend classes at a local college, or even on post. Here at Fort Campbell, you can attend some classes at their Education Center. This makes it easier for some military spouses to be able to focus on their education.

Do you want to start a business?

Starting a new business can be a smart move for those interested in this type of work. A business is something you can possibly take with you from duty station to duty station. There are so many options for online businesses these days. If you have a good business idea, maybe the new year is the time to start. Figure out what you want to do, plan, and go for it.

Do you want to write a book?

Books are truly the best things in life! Why not write your own? Do you have a book idea swimming in your head? Maybe the new year is the time to get it written. Whether it is a nonfiction book about your experiences as a military spouse or a fun romance you have been thinking about for a while. The sky is the limit!

Do you want to find a new job?

Maybe you are ready for a job change. Perhaps you have been at home for a while and want to return to the workforce. Whatever the reason, looking for a new job can be pretty daunting. There are a lot of steps to finding the right job. Luckily, there are many job search resources available to military spouses.

Planning your new year

As a new year approaches, try to think about all the goals you want to accomplish, from personal to professional, to goals for your family. Make a list. Make notes about how you will achieve them. Create a vision board. Figure out how to get to where you want to be.

Whatever your goals are for the new year, get yourself organized and figure out the best way to accomplish them. Working on your own goals, even if a deployment is in your future, will help you stay active and busy no matter what life brings. Good luck and Happy New Year!

There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

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There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

The morning was cold but being that it was December in Tennessee, not a big surprise. When we arrived at the hanger, I knew this would be different than our last deployment, which ended on a hot day in July. Our deployment was over and I only had to wait a few more hours until my husband would be in my arms again.

This 4th deployment had been one of the hardest. I was so glad that the deployment was going to end. What made things even better was that my husband was coming home about a week before Christmas. That felt so magical.

That year, we had the best Christmas ever. That year we didn’t have to miss him. We didn’t have to worry anymore.

We weren’t lonely and we were together. We didn’t have to experience the deployment ache over Christmas and we fully enjoyed the holidays together again. Although in the back of our minds we couldn’t help but remember Christmas spent apart, and how difficult that was.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

Knowing that the deployment will end and that you will be celebrating the holidays together instead of apart.

Knowing that you won’t have to wake up Christmas morning or start Hanukkah alone.

Knowing that they will be there to wish you Happy New Year.

There is something so very beautiful about all of that…

There is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. To be together again during the time of year you want to be with your family the most. To know that you finished a deployment and the strength that it brings you.

As I stood out watching the runaway on that December day, I remember being so cold. But that didn’t matter. The best part was watching that plane land, watching my husband walk down the steps, and knowing he would be in my arms again soon.

I knew I still had so many things to do to prepare for Christmas. Time doesn’t stop just because your spouse is coming home from a deployment. But knowing that I would no longer be waiting for him while wrapping presents and getting all the last-minute holiday things done felt refreshing.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

If you are lucky enough to be getting ready for one, know that you will be in for a treat. All homecomings are amazing, but having one so close to the holidays will allow this homecoming to have a special place in your heart. One you will associate with holiday cheer and the wonder of the season.

Whether there is snow on the ground in upstate New York or the sun on your back in Hawaii, there is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. Having your spouse return just in time for the magic will put a smile on your face. Having your spouse home for the festivities is a wonderful thing.

Have you ever had a holiday homecoming?

For the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

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For the Military Spouse Who Can't Go Home For Christmas

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

When we first got married we decided that we would switch off each holiday. One year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Then the next year we would switch.

This worked well for three years. Then we moved and my husband joined the Army and that schedule went out the window. Among other things that changed when we became a military family.

As a military spouse, you sometimes have to let go of what you thought your life would look like. And that includes how you spend your holidays. One year your spouse might be deployed, and the next you could be PCSing from one part of the country to another. Your plans have to be flexible.

This year, however, we don’t have to feel as alone. This year, during a pandemic, everyone is being told to stay put. Everyone is being told to not travel during the holidays. We aren’t the only ones having to change the way we do things during this time of year.

A little bit of the pressure you might normally feel has been lifted, at least for 2020. Maybe you were dreading the long drive back home, or maybe the cost of airline tickets was hurting your pocketbook.

There are many reasons why going home for Christmas can be hard for military families. But at least this year, staying in your own home is more normal. At least this year, it is a lot more understandable to the civilian world why you would not be traveling around the holidays.

During a normal year, you still might feel like you just want to stay in your own home. Your spouse may be deployed, and the idea of traveling across the country with three kids is just too much. You might have just moved into a new home, and want to set up there instead of leaving everything to spend the holidays in someone else’s home.

Not being able to go home for Christmas can be emotional, no matter the reason. And this year, even more so. But even if that is what you have planned to do, you can still feel a bit disappointed by it.

You might miss the way you always got together with relatives for Christmas Eve. You might miss the last-minute holiday shopping you would do with your sister, or how you would bake Christmas cookies with your grandma and cousins.

If you can’t go home for Christmas this year, know you are not alone. So many families are staying local, and not traveling. So many families are having to pivot and change the way they do the holidays.

The good news is, there are so many things you can do from your very own home. Start some new traditions and enjoy the time you have together. Make the holidays the way you want them to be, after all, you are in your own home, and you can do exactly that.

Are you overseas? Try to incorporate some of the traditions from the country you are in. You can then take them back with you when you move back to the US.

Embrace not having to travel during the busiest travel days of the year. Think about how your children will have memories of waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. We have been doing this for years, and I LOVE that my kids will have memories of waking up in their own homes and coming downstairs to see the Christmas magic.

You can’t always go home for Christmas and that is okay. You can still have a special Christmas filled with happy memories and moments with your own family. And you might find that being in your own home is exactly where you want to be for the holiday season.

Do you usually go home for Christmas? What will you be doing this year?

You Know You Are a Military Spouse When…

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You Know You Are a Military Spouse When…

Military spouse life is a unique experience. Whether you are stationed overseas in places like Japan or Germany, stationed in the US, or as a spouse of a National Guard or Reserves member.

The military life is one filled with highs and lows, twists and turns, unexpected blessings and unfortunate disappointments.

The the truth is, as a military community we can relate to many shared experiences. Here are a few of them:

You know you are a military spouse when…

You know your spouse’s social more than your own. You hardly have to use yours.

You cringe when your spouse comes home with “news”. Is it good news or bad news or what? Just tell me!

You know you have to avoid the Commissary on paydays and yet you find yourself there anyway. Whatcha gonna do?

You have friends in Bahrain, Japan, Germany, and England. And think it would be lovely if you could visit all of them but it might never happen because you are stuck in Kentucky.

You have a radar for all things “free childcare”.

You never want to write your dates in pen because they always seem to change, especially when it comes to leave dates.

You love that there is an amazing Walt Disney World discount but you just pray leave dates don’t change so you can make the trip.

You get tired of people asking if you will be coming home for Christmas because you don’t even know where you will be stationed in December and if that would mean a three-hour car ride or $4000 in plane tickets.

You have three children and they were all born in different continents.

You dream of going to Europe but the military sent you to New York instead.

Tricare is your friend and worst enemy.

Your living room looks like camo threw up all over it when your spouse is getting ready for deployment or other trainings.

You know the care package deal like the back of your hand, and can juggle a package, a toddler, and a baby, while in line at the post office.

You have your drill weekend traditions down to a science. So much so, that when drill weekend dates change, you aren’t sure if you are happy he will be home or a little disappointed your plans will have to wait.

You move so often, you have a specific list of tasks you know you have to do, and you get started on it immediately.

A business asks you for your zip code and you have to think a minute about which one to give them.

You accidentally give the gate guard your gym membership card and have to laugh at the silly joke they make to you about it.

You spend many of your holidays with friends because traveling home with three kids is a lot when your spouse is deployed.

You know you belong to a community of other spouses that overall are willing to support you and help you on your military life journey.

7 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Even if Your Spouse is Deployed This Year

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7 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Even if Your Spouse is Deployed This Year

If your spouse is going to be deployed during the holidays, it can feel like you have been punched in the gut. They will miss out on so much. Putting up the tree, figuring out the gifts, and taking trips to see Santa. When they are deployed, they have to miss all of that.

And you worry. You worry about their safety, but also wonder how they will enjoy the holiday. Will they be able to feel loved? Will your care package make a difference?

It is hard for everyone, but like anything else, time doesn’t stop, and you still need to figure out how you will celebrate the holidays while they are deployed.

Sure, you can ignore some of that stuff, make it simple, save the rest for later. But you can also still enjoy the holidays even if your spouse is gone. Here are 7 ideas!

1) Plan to get together with friends!

It might seem obvious, but as a military spouse, your friends are going to be able to fill in some gaps here. Plan to get together.

Have a gift exchange, get together and make cookies, and if you are all going to be in town for the holidays, spend the actual day together. It will make it so much better!

2) Go somewhere

If you can, go visit family. Can’t do that? Plan a vacation.

This will look different for everyone, depending on whether you have kids or not, what your budget is, and even how much you like to travel. But going somewhere else during the holidays can build you up, allow you to make some amazing memories, and get you out of your comfort zone.

3) Put the kid in charge

Why not let them lead your celebrations? What do they want to do? What sounds fun? If you have kids, involve them in the decorating and in how you will celebrate. You don’t have to run the whole show.

4) Volunteer

There are a lot of local organizations that need extra help during the holidays. From warming shelters to Toys for Tots. See what is out there in your community, and start signing up for things. Some are even kid-friendly.

5) Trying different traditions

With the holidays being different this year, consider trying new traditions. You might be overseas for the holidays and can embrace some of your host country’s traditions. Create new and different memories and traditions that you can share with your spouse once they return.

6) Make plans for after

They can’t be here for the holidays, but they are coming home in March? Make plans for after they return. Plan something special and something to look forward to.

It doesn’t even have to be holiday-related, but it will help you focus on that instead of the fact that they are missing Christmas or other holidays. Having fun things to look forward to can help brighten everyone’s mood.

7) It won’t always be this way

Remember that each year will be different. They won’t always miss Christmas. They won’t always be so far away. And you never know what the next year might bring.

7 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Even if Your Spouse is Deployed This Year