Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

When You Can’t Talk With Your Spouse

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When You Can't Talk With Your Spouse

When You Can’t Talk With Your Spouse

30 days. 30 long days. That was the longest my husband and I have gone without talking during a deployment. No emails. No calls. No Facetime. I knew he was okay. I knew this because “no news is good news” and I just had to believe it.

Although that was the longest we had to go, thank goodness it was not the norm. The norm was every 3-4 days. Thinking about that now seems a little strange but that was our reality at one time.

During deployments and other training, it might not be possible to talk with your spouse.

You might have to go a few days, a few weeks, and in some cases a few months without speaking. This can be frustrating for the spouse at home because we really have no control over this. There can be many different reasons why you can’t speak with your spouse regularly. From them not being allowed to talk to you or having a spouse that isn’t as communicative as he should be.

I have heard people complain that their spouse calls them too much and I can see that too. If you are talking too much it can be hard to live your life.

In my perfect world, my husband would call me every three days and we would talk for one whole hour on a perfect phone connection.

Unfortunately,  that didn’t happen too often.  Sometimes when he called I could barely understand him because the connection is bad. Other times he was only able to talk for five minutes. The feeling I got when I picked up the phone and hear my husband say, “Hey, it’s me” was so wonderful.  Time stops and everything is right again. At least for the moment.

I also try to remember that a deployment is just made up of days. As each day passes we get closer to homecoming. Once homecoming happens, I can talk to him pretty much whenever I want to again. Deployments are just a short period of time we have to go through where we can’t be with each other and communicate like a normal married couple. This won’t last forever.

When I really needed him and couldn’t talk with him, I would get upset. One of the hardest things for me was not being able to have access to him when I really need to talk.

Married couples are supposed to be able to talk to each other on a regular basis. Sometimes deployments make that hard to do.

One thing I did that helped the situation was to write him letters. Even if I didn’t send them. Even if he wasn’t going to read them for a while. I wrote them. I found this so helpful. I was able to tell him about our day, what the boys were doing, and anything that was on my mind.

Because of communication issues during our first deployment, I had to make a lot of decisions by myself. I had to decide what to do about my son and his speech issues. I had to make decisions about childcare and what to do each day with the kids. I got into the habit of making all these decisions myself. I had to. I couldn’t wait for him to make the decisions while he was in Iraq.

That lack of communication hurts. Not being able to get input on something important is difficult. You have to do the best you can. You have to figure out what will work and how you two can work through anything that might come up while he is away.

Do you have trouble communicating during deployments? How do you get through times when you just can’t talk to your loved one?

13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

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13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

With a deployment in the future, you could be a little worried about your marriage. You have heard the stories, you just don’t know what being away from one another for an extended period of time will be like.

How will your marriage get through this? Will you come out stronger on the other side?

Here are 13 super smart marriage tips for military couples during a deployment:

1. Communication is important

Although you won’t always be able to talk to one another because of the mission, communication is important to do when you can. This might mean writing emails or sending text messages. Do whatever you can to stay connected over the miles. If you do have to go a longer time without talking, writing actual letters can be a way to “talk” to your spouse when you can, and then you can send them when you know they will be able to get them.

2. Don’t one-up one another about who has it harder

You could go back and forth about who has it harder during a deployment. The truth is, you can’t compare. You are each going through a difficult situation and need that grace from your spouse to understand. Don’t one-up each other, it’s not worth the fight.

3. Remember, the military has to come first

The military comes first. This is the way that the military is. You have to accept that and move through the difficulties that come with military life.

You have to find ways to cope and handle being apart. Your service member can’t come home early from a deployment because you want them to, you just have to stick things out. And while this can be so difficult sometimes, remember that this is just the way the military is can sometimes help.

4. Don’t hang up on each other, and if you do…

Don’t hang up the phone on one another, even if you are angry. If you do in the heat the moment (which happens) send a quick email or call back if you can. Hanging up that way isn’t good when talking on the phone is the biggest part of your relationship.

5. Don’t feel like you have to talk for hours every day

You and your spouse don’t have to talk for hours every day to be connected. When you do, you run out of things to say. Sometimes a simple 15-minute phone call is all you need to say “hi, I love you” and check-in with one another. You can also keep an ongoing list of things to talk about since the last time you chatted.

6. Don’t stay in your house all of the time

Don’t stay in your house all the time. Make plans. Stay busy.

Your service member will want to know you are still living your life, even if they are away. And getting out there will make time go by a little faster. While being at home can be comforting, try to get out at least once or twice a week.

7. Talk about money before they leave

Make sure to talk about money expectations before they leave. How much will they have to spend overseas? How much will you have to spend on the kids? What will you be saving for and what will you do with the extra money that you receive?

Money can be a big stressor. When you are living apart and running two different households, being on the same page with money is even more important.

8. Remember why you love each other

At the end of the day, remember why you first fell in love in the first place. Remember your first date, the first time you said I love you, and the first time you knew you would get married. Remembering who you guys are together is important.

9. Watch a show together

Watch a TV show together and then talk about what happened in the episode over the phone or even in an email. This will allow you to connect over a shared experience.

This post contains affiliate links! 

10. Read a book together

Like watching a TV show, you can read a book together and discuss what is being said. A marriage book can be a good idea too such as The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. Doing this can help improve your relationship.

11. Talk about your day

When you are able to talk on the phone, share your day with them. Let them know what the kids have been up to. Email photos of you and the kids. Your service member should want to hear about what you all are up to back home.

12. Write love letters

Write paper love letters to one another and send them in the mail. Getting letters from home is the best for our service members and also an enjoyable thing to get in the mail for those of us back home. You can pour out your heart and let your spouse know how much you care about them.

13. Look at the deployment as a temporary thing

Remember, deployments are temporary, and while they can be difficult for a military marriage, they don’t have to define your marriage. They can make your marriage stronger. You just have to get through them, even when they feel like they are neverending.

What marriage advice would you add to this list?

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don’t Want To Leave Where You Are

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6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don’t Want To Leave Where You Are

You love where you live. You have a lovely house, the perfect group of friends, your kids enjoy where you are, and the schools are fantastic. You have already been there for three years, but you are hoping you can stay a little longer.

Then your spouse comes home with orders, to a new duty station, 2,000 miles away.

While some military spouses can’t wait to move and get away from their current duty station, you are not one of them. You would stay put for the rest of your spouse’s career if you could. But sadly, the Army has told you it is time to move on.

The good news is, there are still reasons to be excited about this move. Even if it is to a place you are unsure about, even if it is to a place you don’t want to go.

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

Here are six reasons to be excited about a PCS, even when you don’t want to leave where you are:

1. A chance to start fresh

PCSing is a time to start fresh. While you might not feel like doing so at the moment, having a new start can be a fantastic thing. You can figure out what you want, how you want your life to go, and what you want to focus on in your new location.

2. Declutter time

Moving gives you a big reason to declutter. Get rid of what you no longer need. Have a yard sale or just donate. A PCS is a time to get rid of all that excess stuff you know you don’t need. While you don’t need to move to be able to declutter, moving can get you motivated to focus on it.

3. Make new friends

Making new friends can be hard at times, but so much fun once you find them. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and enjoy making new friends once you move. Saying goodbye to your friends at your current location is going to be difficult, it’s never easy to do, but know that you can always keep in touch, even if you don’t live in the same city anymore.

6 Reasons To Be Excited About A PCS, Even When You Don't Want To Leave Where You Are

4. Explore another part of the country or world

This is your chance to explore another part of the country or even the world. You will get to experience things you never thought you would. You will be able to see things you never thought you would. Explore your new duty station and enjoy what it has to offer.

5. New house

A new home, whether you live on post or off can be a nice change. You might try to find a different type of housing, or even get a bigger place since you have added a new child to your family. Even if you love your current duty station, you might be ready for a new type of home.

6. Learning experience for all of you

If you are upset about leaving, think of this PCS as a learning experience for you and your children. This PCS will allow you to be more flexible in the future, it will make you step out of your comfort zone, and it will teach you about yourself as well as the world around you. Think of the PCS as a way to grow as a person and try not to let it bring you down.

Whether this is your first PCS or your tenth, don’t be afraid of your next adventure. You never know who you will meet, what you will get to experience, and where the road to that duty station will lead.

Will you be PCSing anytime soon?

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

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9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

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My son was just about 22 months old when my husband first went off to war.

I was pregnant with our 2nd child and had no clue what to expect. Deployments were a whole new world for me. Luckily, I had a group of other wives whose husbands were in the same Company as mine. This made saying goodbye a little easier.

I remember after the men got on the buses. Sitting with a few other wives. Waiting to see them drive by so we could wave one more time.

As we sat there, we really didn’t know what we were really dealing with. We didn’t know then how hard the time apart would be, how long the deployment would last, and what the next 15 months would look like.

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

We had no idea how lonely we would feel. 

I went home to my house with my little boy and we started the deployment. At first, the deployment felt manageable. My mom was going to come and stay with us for two months when the baby was supposed to come. I knew I would be busy with a newborn and a two-year-old.

My son was born, my husband came home for R&R, then he left again. My mom went home. My son got sick. He got better. Spring came.

As the months went on, the deployment got harder and harder.

The feeling of loneliness took over me. I remember sitting in my bathroom, after my son went to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through that time without my husband.

He is the one person I could talk to about anything. Even the silly things. The everyday things. The things spouses talk about with only one another.

By this point in the deployment, I wasn’t even able to talk to him that much. I think the longest we went was 30 days. 30 days without anything from my husband.

I felt like I was in a weird place. I knew I was married, but I didn’t feel like I was. I knew I had a husband out there that loved me, but it seemed like it was something from another time. Your mind can really play tricks on you.

Having a community to depend on is the #1 thing you can do when you reach this point of the deployment.

When you feel so lonely and you would give anything to have a real conversation with another adult. When you crave your spouse’s touch, but you know you have to wait for a while for that. Having a community of other spouses to talk about this with is what got me through those months.

When they told us that our husbands would be extended during the surge in Iraq in 2007, that they would not come home after a year, we all met at McDonald’s to let the kids play. We cried together and tried to figure out how we were going to get through this deployment extension. We knew we could not handle this alone. We knew we needed each other.

So while I still struggled with that loneliness, especially at night, when the house was quiet, I was glad to have a circle of friends around me who got what I was going through. That I could vent with, cry with, and get through the deployment with.

They made all of the difference and going into future deployments I learned that having that circle was a must.

Loneliness during a deployment can hit us hard.

We might assume we can avoid feeling lonely, especially if we have so many other things to focus on. But sometimes loneliness can hit when we least expect it. 

Sometimes loneliness hits during a trip to a grocery store, or when grabbing a cup of coffee. Sometimes it hits when watching a movie, or talking about something unrelated to military life. Sometimes that loneliness hits and we can’t get rid of it on our own.

When that loneliness hits, find ways to stay busy and get up and get moving. Write in a journal, take a long walk with your kids, or call a good friend. Find things you know you can do when the emotion hits you hard. Doing so is your best defense against loneliness. 

How do you handle loneliness during your spouse’s deployment???

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

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5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

Over the years I have heard from military spouses that they are either afraid to make friends with other military spouses, because of how they assume they will be treated, or have even tried to do so and not been successful at it. That they can’t seem to find their people, or that they keep running into others that don’t seem very friendly or welcoming at all.

This sucks.

I strongly believe that you need friends to get through this military lifestyle. But I also know that it isn’t always easy to do. I know that not everyone is friendly and that finding people to connect with can be frustrating.

And maybe part of it is believing things that simply are not true? Maybe part of it is assuming things that are not true about military friendships in general?

While I do think it is possible for someone to find themselves in a place where it seems that there are no friendly people around them, I also know that there are so many of us military spouses out there that are friendly, want to connect and are not the type to insult someone they just met. Trust me. 

Maybe you won’t agree with me, maybe your experiences are very different than mine, but here are 5 myths about military friendship that simply are not true that we need to let go of to find friendship in the military community:

The Myth: Spouses are overly concerned about rank.

The Truth: Very few military spouses care what rank your spouse is.

If there is a hesitation, it is usually in good faith, when a spouse worries about being able to include you in everything. For example, if you are the wife of a higher ranking soldier, can you invite your friend, and her entire family to your son’s birthday party at your home? These kinds of situations can be a bit sticky if both of the soldiers are in the same unit.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter who your friends are, or what rank their spouse is. You friend people who you get along with and if someone does want to give you the stink eye because of it? Well, they probably wouldn’t be a good friend anyway.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: It’s not worth friending someone who is going to be PCSing again soon.

The Truth: It is worth it, and can lead to life-long friendships.

While it is so nice to make friends that will live near you for years and years, if you meet the right person, don’t be scared off because they have a PCS date. There are ways to stay connected over the miles if both of you are willing to do so. And you never know when you might end up at the same duty station again in the future.

The Myth: You have to make friends with people your own age.

The Truth: You can form friendships with people who are older and younger than you are.

While it is always nice to have friends around your age, befriending people who are younger or older than you are can be a good thing. You can always learn from someone who is in a different stage of life that you are in.

Don’t get stuck on the actual age of a potential friend. If you are able to connect with them, do so. You will be better for it.

The Myth: If you don’t have kids, you won’t make friends, because everyone in the military community has kids.

The Truth: Not everyone in the military community has kids.

While there are a ton of families with kids in the military community, not everyone has them. Some couples choose to stay childless, others are waiting for a few years to start having children. Some are struggling with infertility, and others have adult children no longer in the home.

There are so many different people in the military community in all different stages of life. Don’t give up on finding friends because you assume everyone is a certain way because that simply isn’t true.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: You won’t find anyone you can click with.

The Truth: It can take time, but you can find your people.

Finding people you click with won’t always be easy, and sometimes finding new friends can seem near impossible. But, you will be able to find your people if you keep putting yourself out there. Keep trying, be friendly, and use online resources if you need to.

I know being shy can be hard. To walk into a room full of people you don’t know and introduce yourself can be way too scary, but you can find ways to meet others that are comfortable for you.

Here are some ideas on how to work to make friends, and to find your people:

Finding Meaningful Friendships In Military Spouse Life

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

And make sure to join my blog’s Facebook group. Filled with military spouses of every branch, stationed throughout the US and OCONUS locations.

While everyone’s friendship journey is a little different, try to remember the friends you have met in the past. How did you guys connect? What bonded you?

Make sure you are putting yourself out there, and don’t give up. You can find your people.

11 Reasons to Plan a Trip Home This Summer

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11 Reasons to Plan a Trip Home This Summer

As a military spouse, you probably have moved around a lot. You could be miles and miles from your home and family. You could be overseas, or across the country. You could be a two-hour drive away or a two-day drive. However far away you might be, it could be time for a visit home this summer.

11 Reasons to Plan a Trip Home This Summer

Whether your spouse is deployed and you take the kids, or they are home and luckily have some block leave time, planning a trip home for the summer can be a good idea.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. It’s been a while

If you haven’t visited home in a while, maybe now is the time to do so. You probably have family and friends that would love to see you.

2. You have school-age kids and summer works best

When your kids start school, you have less time to go on vacation with them. While you can pull them out of school sometimes, generally it is better to go on long vacation when they are out of school. That is why summer is a good idea. No one is missing any school.

3. Summers are really too long anyway

Let’s face it; summer can feel a bit long. By about the six-week mark, you might be over summer break. That is the best time to plan a trip.

11 Reasons to Plan a Trip Home This Summer

4. Grandparent time

Grandparents love to spend time with their grandchildren, but sometimes it can be harder for them to travel and see you. If you can’t get away, you could always send your older children to spend time with their grandparents during the summer. I have such special memories with my own grandparents from when we went to visit them as a child.

5. Summer at home is better weather than summer at your duty station

This isn’t true for everyone, but the summer weather in my hometown is a lot better than where we currently live. It isn’t as humid, and the bugs are not as loud. Visiting home during the summer is a nice break from the hot and humidity of the south.

6. You really miss your favorite hamburger place

It might not be a hamburger place; maybe it is a favorite pizza place or Mexican restaurant. There is just something about having a taste of home when you visit. In-and-Out, here we come.

7. More likely to see friends who have also moved out of town

You might not be the only one who moved away from home; your friends might have too. And from experience, summer is usually when they visit their families. Maybe, just maybe you will be in town at the same time and can make plans to see each other.

11 Reasons to Plan a Trip Home This Summer

8. The winters are long at your duty station, and you need a pick me up

If it snows a lot in the winter where you are stationed, and you know that once school starts in the fall, the first snowflakes won’t be far behind, a summer trip home can be the pick me up you need before the weather changes. Go home, make memories, and take them back with you for the long winter.

9. Homecooked meals

Sometimes you want a nice homecooked meal, without having to make it yourself.

10. So you can see your best friend

It could be that your best friend still lives where you grew up. And you want to see them. You want your kids to play together, and you want to go out for dinner and to catch up.

11. You hate the snow and would rather not visit when it is on the ground

Maybe you are from a colder climate, and you don’t want to visit at all during the winter. Just the thought of 20 degrees sends you under the blankets. Summer is a good time to get your vacationing time at home in.

Whatever your reasons, if you are going home this summer, have a good time. We are looking forward to our own vacation this summer too. 

 

How You Can Help Your Children Through a PCS

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How You Can Help Your Children Through a PCS

One of the challenges of raising kids in a military family is having to move more often than civilian families. A lot of military families move once every three to four years, sometimes even every two years, or less. As a parent, you want to figure out how to best help your children through a PCS.

This means that many military children attend many different schools and are often the new kid or having to make new friends because all of their friends moved away. This part of the military life can be a struggle.

As a parent, how do you help your children through a PCS?

How do you help them understand that this is all apart of your lifestyle?

What can you do to make PCSing every few years easier for them?

Helping Your Children Through a PCS Before You Leave

  • If your children are quite young, you probably won’t be sitting down with them about the PCS. You will just be working to try to make the process a smooth one. They might notice changes in their home and that is important to recognize as well.
  • For an older child, you will want to let them know what is going to be happening ahead of time. Then they have time to get used to the idea and spend some time with friends that they are going to have to say goodbye to.
  • Get them excited about their future home and new duty station. Let them know some of the fun things you can do when you get there that you can’t in your current area. Let them help with picking out a new place to live or which room they will have. Give them a little bit of control when you can give it to them.
  • Having a goodbye party might be a good idea too. Your kids can invite their friends for one last party. A goodbye party can be a way for them to say goodbye to all of their friends, and make a few memories while doing so.

Helping Your Children Through a PCS After You Arrive at Your New Duty Station

  • After you get to your new location, explain to your kids what they can expect at their new school. This is especially important if you move in the middle of the school year. School-age kids are going to want to know what they are walking into.
  • Find out exactly what they are nervous about and talk things over with them. That will go a long way in helping them get used to their new surroundings. They might have worries and fears you haven’t thought about and good communication is the best way to work through them.
  • Make sure you are taking them places to meet new friends once you get to your new home. Check your local MWR for kid’s activities and events to go to. If you have smaller kids, you can take them to the park because most likely there will be other kids to interact with there, and maybe other parents for you to meet too.

The most important thing is that they know that you are in control of their future, even if you are not totally sure what it looks like. Your kids will look up to you and will want to know that everything is going to be okay. Let them talk to you about what they are feeling and do your best to help them out.

Keep in mind that each of your children might handle the PCS differently. You could have one child be completely chill about everything and another bothered by any type of change.

The truth is, you know your own children, their personalities and what they might need. You can apply this to a PCS just like you would any other situation. That is going to be the best way to help your children through a PCS.

Here are a few helpful links to help your children through a PCS:

Are you moving to a new duty station soon?