Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Don’t Get Sucked Into the Deployment Hole

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Don’t Get Sucked Into the Deployment Hole

I was in several long distance relationships when I was in college. I can remember so clearly how hard they were. I wasn’t married, but I missed my boyfriend very much. So much so that I felt split down the middle. Half of me was with him, and the other half was trying to live that normal college life.

Don't Get Sucked Into the Deployment Hole

 

This was in the day before everyone had a cell phone so I would have to wait in my dorm room for him to call. I couldn’t just go out and do something else unless I wanted to miss talking with him. Plenty of times I had to tell my roommate to go to lunch or dinner without me, and I would catch up later.

This wasn’t a good way to live. I got fatigued with feeling so torn all the time. I wanted to continue the relationship as my boyfriend was important to me, but at the same time, I wanted to be free to make friends and have fun in my college life.

As a military spouse, I sometimes still feel this pull although it is a bit different these days. My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years, and I know where I stand with him. I don’t have the worries that I did as a girlfriend.

 

And although I miss him terribly, I also want to live my life when he is gone. I want to have fun with friends and my kids. I want to make memories. I don’t want to be stuck in the in between. I don’t want to be stuck in a deployment hole.

You know the one, where everything sucks and you feel sad all the time. Where you can’t seem to live your life the way you want, and you feel so helpless that nothing will be right again until they come home.

Military Spouse Life

So why do I do to help with this? How do I avoid falling into that deployment hole?

Make plans

Make plans. Get out there and fill up your calendar. You will be glad you did. If you do not have any children at home with you, this is even more important. You don’t want to fall into that deployment loneliness hole by being by yourself too much. Join a club, find a friend to get together with, go for walks, see a movie, just keep busy while they are gone.

Don’t wait for calls

Don’t plan your days around when they might call. Even though we all have cell phones these days, you still might want to stay home for a Facetime chat. Don’t. Don’t be afraid to get out there. I know how hard it can be when you miss a call or don’t get a chance to talk, but when you plan your schedule around possible calls, that can lead to being sucked right into that deployment hole.

Don’t be afraid to have fun

It’s okay to laugh, make jokes, and have fun when your spouse is away. Don’t feel guilty when you do. They wouldn’t want you stuck at home all day being sad. Don’t be afraid to stay busy as it is the best way to make it through a deployment.

Don't Get Sucked Into the Deployment Hole

Don’t talk every day

I know, I know. Talking every day is ideal, right? Not totally. I know for me I prefer talking once every two to three days. That is the perfect amount of time for me. I have found that talking every day is just too much. You run out of things to say and if you get used to that and they can’t call for a few days or even longer, it’s even harder to wait. Not that I would turn down a phone call but talk to your spouse about phone call expectations.

Try new things

Deployments can be the right time to try something new. A new hobby, a new job, or just work on bettering yourself. A lot of military spouses work on fitness goals or go back to school. Make a list of what you have always wanted to do and put your plans into action.

What do you do when you feel like you are getting sucked down that deployment hole?

Here are some more posts about deployments:

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

Going Down the Long Deployment Road

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

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What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

It was 2006, and I was new to Germany and the Military life. My FRG leader was giving me a ride across the post, and she was talking about the upcoming ball that we were going to have. I was excited. I knew the military had balls but to be able to go to one seemed like a dream.

Milspouse friends

She told me about the food and what to expect. She went through the ceremony part of the ball. I learned a lot that day. Other spouses told me what a deployment was like. They had been there before, and since I was new, I had no idea what to expect.

The amazing thing about the Military community is that spouses help one another out along the way.

As a new military spouse, I was able to learn about everything military. I learned about the Army lingo, what preparing for a deployment would be like, how to pack things up before a PCS, how to send mail to my husband overseas, how to dress for a ball, and what to do to get through the last few weeks of a deployment.

I listened to other spouses who had been doing this military thing longer than I had. I knew not everything they told me would be my experience as an Army wife, but I knew that I could gain a lot from listening to them and hearing what they had to say.

As a seasoned military spouse, I am still learning about military life.

Milspouse Life

The National Guard life is still so new to me. I was used to active duty life, but now things are different. Over the years I will learn more and more and will figure out this part of military life too.

We, military spouses, can all help each other out. No matter what hardship you might be going through, someone else has probably gone through something similar before. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and try to help others out that might need it.

There is something comforting about knowing you are not the first person to go through a particular situation.

And as clueless as you might feel at the beginning of military life, know you will learn more and more as the years go by. And as you do, you will be able to help others too.

Once you have been through a deployment, you will know what helped you and can share what did. Once you have been through a PCS move, you can offer your tips and let others know what you wish you had known before you moved.

Over time you too will become the seasoned spouse, able to offer your experiences to help other, newer spouses out.

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

Life is about learning and military life is no different. There is so much to be gained from hearing from others and what they have been through. There is so much to be gained from opening up to others about your story and experiences.

Military life is filled with twists and turns. The military will surprise you, even if you are prepared. But even in those circumstances, even if you feel like you are the only one going through that particular issue, sharing what you have gone through can still be helpful so don’t be afraid to do so.

What is one bit of advice you could offer to other milspouses?

Here are more blog posts on military life:

When You Can’t Find Your Milspouse Tribe

The Truth About Military Life, In 30 Military Life Memes

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

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Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

Over the years that I have been a military spouse, I have done a lot without my husband. I moved to Germany without him. I gave birth without him. I flew space-A without him. I have survived.

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

 

When you are a military spouse, you learn to do a lot without your partner by your side. You have to. They simply are not going to be there for everything. You can’t depend on them for things as others can. You have to learn to do it yourself.

When you first become a military spouse, this can be a shock to the system. Even if you married a military service member, getting used to them not being around can be tough.

While other newlyweds work together to form their marriage during the first year, you might have had to do that through Skype and letters. You are in your home, they are overseas, and figuring out the balance of all that can take some time.

Milspouse

While other couples talk about every parenting decision, we sometimes have to make them on our own.

Communication isn’t always possible and sitting down over dinner discussing the situation is out of the question.

When something breaks in the house, it’s all you. YouTube can be your best friend here and in other cases, you will have to call someone to fix the problem. Even though you know your spouse could do it in five minutes.

You are the one to make sure the lawn is mowed. You might have to hire someone or break down and learn how to do the lawn yourself.

Milspouse

Dinner? That’s all you. Unless you have older children, you are the one doing all the cooking. Pizza is an excellent solution for those crazy nights you just can’t make yourself cook.

You wait to hear when homecoming will be. Hoping they will make it back in time for your daughter’s graduation, knowing they might not.

There are so many times when you will be the one to have to solve the problems back at home.

You do this because you know that they can’t. You do this because you know when they are gone they are gone for a good reason. You do this because if you didn’t? Everything would fall apart.

There are the little things you miss when they are gone. On the weekends, there is no one to ask to put the kids to bed or to allow you a break to sleep in. You are on until your kids go to sleep and need to be ready the minute they wake up in the morning.

You will miss the little jokes you have between each other. The looks. The moments only you two understand.

So as a military spouse you will find that you don’t need your husband. That he can come and go and you can run the house without him. That you can keep everything going, keep the kids alive, and grow as a person, even when they are deployed.

 

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

You will find your inner strength to do more than you thought that you could. What seemed impossible a few years ago is now commonplace. You will learn more about yourself and find out how strong you are.

You will figure out you don’t need your spouse around, but you will find that you want him there.

You want the friendship you two have. You want the co-parenting challenges you will have together. You want the companionship, even if you are both sitting there not talking.

You will miss all of this and then realize that you will have this all again someday. That homecoming day will come. That you will have a normal life once again. That you will be able to have everything that you have been missing.

And when that happens you will also know that you can handle deployments. That when they have to go again, you will be able to hold down the fort. That you got this, whatever comes your way.

What is one thing you have done during a deployment that you didn’t think you could do but had to anyway?

When You Can’t Find Your Milspouse Tribe

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When You Can’t Find Your Milspouse Tribe

With a deployment looming, I was starting to freak out. I didn’t know anyone here. I was feeling a sense of dread as it was. He was going over to Afghanistan this time. And I didn’t have any military friends to go through this with. I didn’t have my tribe. Not like I did before.

That deployment was hard in ways my other deployments were not. I didn’t have my people. 

One of the best ways to get through a deployment is to have your own set of battle buddies. The people you can connect with, vent to, and commiserate with.

When You Can't Find Your Milspouse Tribe

 

The people who get what it is like to not talk to your spouse for a week a time. The people who understand why you have to make cereal again for dinner. The people who understand the deployment ache and what that means.

With the military moving military families every 2-4 years, finding your military tribe can be hard. Sure, you can be friendly with people but finding others who you can connect with is a lot more difficult.

Military friends

There is loneliness associated with not being able to find your people.

You might want a best friend more than anything, but you just haven’t found that person yet. You haven’t connected in the ways you want to connect with other people at your duty station.

In some ways, this part of military life is a given. You PCS somewhere new, your husband deploys within a few months, and you are left feeling empty. You have a new baby right around the time your best friend moves away and it’s months before you can see getting out there and try to make new friends.

Not having any close friends nearby is scary!

What do you do when you need to put someone on your emergency contact form?

What do you do when you are at your wit’s end and just need a friend to drink a glass of wine with?

What do you do when you need that battle buddy, and none can be found?

I can give you all the advice in finding friends. Some of it will work for you and some of it won’t. I can tell you to keep trying, to put yourself out there, not to give up.

military friendships

But at the end of the day, when nothing seems to be working, your loneliness can kick in, and that can be overwhelming.

There have been times when I have been surrounded by my people. We would meet up regularly, have fun with our kids, go out on ladies nights. We were truly there for one another.

There have been other times when I didn’t know very many people in my city. For fun, I would leave my kids with my husband and head out to the movies by myself. I had no one to call.

In those moments I would miss the times when I did have my milspouse tribe, and I would tell myself that those times would come again.

Friends will come and go. You will connect will all types of people in military life. Some will stay acquaintances, others will become best friends, ones we will always cherish over the years.

When You Can't Find Your Milspouse TribeSometimes you will have these sweet friends in your everyday life, other times they will just be people on your Facebook feed.

I can’t say I will ever get used to friends moving away all the time. Living in a military community as I do, this happens all the time. I hate when people move away because even if we were super close, we might not be able to stay that way living in different zip codes.

I miss the almost daily interactions that we had. I miss them being close and being able to plan things together. I miss knowing they were just a short drive away.

But I know life moves on and that times change. There will be new friends to meet, more memories to make.

In the end, those who mean the most will always be in my life and no amount of distance can change that.

Do you have a milspouse tribe? Where did you meet them?

Here are some other posts about military spouse friendship:

13 Memes About Military Spouse Friendship

What To Do When You Can’t Make Friends At Your New Duty Station

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

To The Friends I Don’t Talk To Anymore

 

The Military Spouse Who Has Lost So Much

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Memorial Day

The Military Spouse Who Has Lost So Much

Monday is Memorial Day, and as a blogger in the Milspouse world, it is always hard to know what to say. Should we get emotional about the day? What if we are too emotional? Are we allowed to talk about what we are doing that weekend? Is there any room for having fun when our others have lost so much?

Memorial Day wasn’t always called that. Back in 1868, Decoration Day was started, three years after the Civil War ended. This day was a day to decorate the graves of those who died in the war. The date was May 30th as on that day; flowers would be in bloom across the country.

In World War I, the day was expanded to honor those who have died in all American wars. In 1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday by an act of Congress and changed to the last Monday in May.

Ever since our country has observed the day in different ways. There are ceremonies to honor those who have lost their lives and concerts to honor the fallen. There are blog posts and magazines articles, all sharing different opinions and information about the day.

memorial day

As I hear the words, “Memorial Day” my heart immediately goes to the friends I have met during my time as a military spouse who has lost someone.

Those who received that knock on the door. Those that didn’t get to be happy on homecoming. Those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

I can’t help but think about them. I always think about them. Always. It doesn’t have to be Memorial Day to do so,  but there is something about this day that brings them front and center to my mind.

I can say I am thinking of them. I can say I am praying for them. But I will never really be able to tell them the right words that will make things better. I will never be able to say the right things that will make everything okay. I will never be able to thank them enough and let them know how much we care.

Memorial Day

So to these spouses, the ones who have lost so much, I still mourn with you.

I remember when we all stood around a few weeks after they deployed. We talked about getting home in time for phone calls. Not having any idea of what was to come.

I remember when I heard the news that your husband was gone. I wanted to hug you, but I didn’t know you very well. I wanted to tell you everything was going to be okay, but I knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

I remember when we got the message and I had to read your last name several times. I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t understand why you had to go through this.

I remember when my husband talked about how much your husband meant to him. How they learned from each other and how when he died, it just didn’t seem fair.

Memorial day

The truth us, none of this is fair. War isn’t fair. It’s messy, and when we go to war, some people don’t come home.

When that happens, the military community comes together. We support them, with whatever they choose to do once they get settled. We can be a listening ear when things get too hard. We can remember what they have been through and remember those they have lost.

I don’t believe there is one perfect way to be on this holiday. People have BBQs on Memorial Day with toasts to the brothers they have lost. People go shopping because that is when the sales are, and they need to save some money. Civilians thank us because they recognize our service, even if it is the wrong holiday to do so.

In a perfect world, the entire country would understand what Memorial Day is all about. There wouldn’t have to be any question about it. And you know, I think most people do understand.

When you are in the military community, those that we honor on Memorial Day were our friends, the spouse of our friends, and our own spouse’s battle buddies. These are people we knew and saw on a regular basis, not just photos in our news feed.

As I look to Monday, I want to remember those who have given their lives for our beautiful country. I love America, and it hurts to know that we have had to lose so many along the way.

But I know I am forever grateful for their sacrifice, even if I can’t find the words to truly express how I feel. 

 

The Camo Bus Is Traveling the U.S. in Honor of Our Military Heroes

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The Camo Bus Is Traveling the U.S. in Honor of Our Military Heroes

This is a sponsored post by Megabus.com.

The Camo Bus Is Traveling the U.S. in Honor of Our Military Heroes

Giving back to the military community can be done in so many different ways. Since it is May, the month of Memorial Day, giving back to the fallen and the disabled is always on our minds. We Americans can never repay the men and women who have lost their lives for our amazing country.

As you think about Memorial Day and ways you can give this summer, here is a company that is giving back. Megabus, the company that offers express bus service to more than 100 cities in North America, is going to be giving back to the military community in a big way.

megabus

What is Megabus doing?

Megabus will be donating $1 to Folds of Honor for every passenger that will be riding the Camo bus during the month of May. They will be doing this up to $5,000. The Camo bus will be traveling across the US this May to honor our military heroes.

What is Folds of Honor?

Folds of Honor is an amazing organization that provides scholarships to spouses and children of America’s fallen and disabled service members. Their motto is, “Honor their sacrifice. Educate their legacy.” Although we can never replay what these men and women have lost, helping their children achieve their educational dreams is a way to give back and help them in the future.

megabus

Who is Megabus?

Megabus.com has donated nearly $100K to military organizations and has served more than 50 million customers since they launched in April of 2006. Megabus maintains the highest (satisfactory) safety compliance rating with the Federal Motor Carrier Saftey Administration. They are also approved by TSX, an independent safety rating organization. Megabus currently operates service to and from more than 100 major cities in North America and 23 hubs.

What can you do?

Head on over to Megabus.com and take a look at where Megabus goes. See if you can plan a last minute trip to see your sister, friend, or just a quick getaway with your spouse. If you can ride the Camo bus, know you will be helping to give back to those who we are remembering this Memorial Day. This last week of May, the Camo bus will be traveling on the East Coast.

You can also share and let others know about the Camo bus and what Megabus.com is doing to help out the military community.

I am so thankful for businesses like Megabus and organizations like Folds of Honor who are truly giving back to the military community in creative and helpful ways. You can visit their website and follow them on social media at Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. 

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of megabus.com. The opinions and text are all mine.

What If My Children Want to Join the Military?

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What If My Children Want to Join the Military?What If My Children Want to Join the Military?

As I look at my military children, I wonder what they will do in the future. Will any of them join the military too? Will they marry someone who does? Will their lives look anything like their own life did growing up?

Over the years I have heard them say that they want to be like Daddy. Does that mean they will follow in his footsteps and become a soldier too? Will growing up in a military family and military community sway them to this life?

Will their child all be born in different states and countries like they were? Will they miss their children for months or even years at a time? Will they too stand by while their spouse goes off to war?

Soldier and son

Will they put on the uniform, deploy to dangerous locations, and work to make this world a better place?

Will they experience living life in a different country, far away from home, with only the latest technology to keep us connected?

Will the spark that drove their Dad to join the military hit them too? What will the word look like in 10-15 years? Will we still be fighting the same wars? Will there be new ones we can’t even imagine? Will we hit a time of peace?

As I think about being the mom of a service member vs a spouse, I hope that my years as a spouse will help me get through any challenges.

Will my son join the military

At the same time, I know being a military parent will be different than being the military spouse. And if my boys are married, she will come first. I know that I won’t have such a front row seat and that could come with its own set of challenges.

I know that if my boys join the military, I will worry more about them than if they didn’t.

At the same time, I know all moms worry, even about their adult children who haven’t lived at home for 20 years. I know what whatever they choose to do in life, whether they join the military or not, they will be setting off on their own paths and making their own adventures.

I know that I would never want to tell my boys not to do something they felt they should because it would worry me too much.

Some people join the military at a very young age, even to forgo college for a career as a soldier or other type of service member. Others feel that calling at a later age, even after years of marriage and children.

What If My Children Want to Join the Military?

Whatever my boys decide, I know walking this life as the Mom will be an honor. That road will not always be an easy one, but it would be filled with challenges and unexpected moments. I know that I would stand by my children just as I have stood by their Father through his time in military service.

Have you ever thought about your own children joining the military?

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

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Military Spouse

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

Almost three years ago, my husband ended his time in the active duty army and joined the National Guard. In some ways, this was a big change for us. Leaving active duty is a challenge and one that we have had to work through. He no longer wore the uniform on a daily basis, we started paying for Tricare, and PCSing was no longer an option for us.

However, since we decided to stay in the Fort Campbell area, we still live in a military community. Most of my friends are married to someone in the Army, we can shop at the commissary as often as we want to, and I know when my husband deploys again, I will have that local support.

Milspouse

I am very aware that this is not the norm for a National Guard family. 

I know that for some, there is no local military community. Maybe they know a few of the spouses, maybe not. Maybe they have some family that has served, maybe not. Being a part of a military community can be an enjoyable experience, but that isn’t always the case for every military spouse.

Being far removed from the military community can feel like you are walking this road alone, but you are not.

There might not be anyone in your town that you can relate to, but there are plenty of other spouses out there in our country that totally understand.

Whatever challenges you have had to face, whatever frustrations you are having, and however hard a deployment seems, there are others who have been through it too.

Milspouse

So what can you do when you don’t have access to a local military community?

Look for other military spouses

The truth is, there are other military spouses in your area, you just don’t know who they are. If your spouse’s unit happens to have an FRG, find out when they meet. If you are not sure, start asking around. If you feel you are up to it, ask if you can volunteer.

Check with your local churches and mom groups. See if anyone has any military ties. You never know who is connected with the military or who knows someone who is that can put you in touch. If you live in a bigger city, it’s even possible that there are some military support groups there.

No, you don’t have a local base to go to, but you might be able to find other military spouses you never knew were there.

Go online

When you don’t live in a military community, online is going to be your best friend. There are so many groups on Facebook to search through. There is a National Guard group, a group I started for military spouse support and plenty of other military spouse groups to get connected with.

Sometimes online friends can become your best friends. Through group discussions, private messages, and sharing our struggles, we can connect with each other and find our people. Someday, we can even meet up if life allows us to.

Although you might struggle to find the military spouse community in your local area, the military spouse community is very much active and alive online.

Milspouse

Find good friends

Sometimes our civilian friends can be our biggest cheerleaders. Maybe they don’t quite understand what we are going through, but that is okay. There are other spouses that might be able to relate to a husband being away and not always being able to be there for us.

Not everyone will understand, and some people will make stupid comments. That part of connecting with people can get old and is very frustrating. But see if you can look beyond that.

Some people mean well and are not trying to make you upset. Others can be your rock through your most difficult times, even if their spouse has never served.

Get involved in your community. Reach out and connect with others. The benefits of doing so will be worth it. There are plenty of people out there that love and support the military and want to help when they can. Let them.

Whether you are a National Guard or Reserve spouse or don’t live in a military community, know that you can find support even if it is just online. That others are going through what you are and that there is beauty in finding good friends.