Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

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What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

The first week of August my husband and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. That day in August 2002, I became a wife and started my life with my husband. We had met the year before, and we both knew right away that we were meant to be.

Over the years our life has gone in different directions than I thought it would. I didn’t believe that we would be a military family, that came a few years later. I thought we would have a daughter; we have three sons. I didn’t know how difficult certain things would be or where this road of life would lead us.

When you have been married for a while, you learn about what it means to be married, what it’s like to go through life with someone else, and what it’s like to raise a family together.

Here is what I have learned in the last 15 years of marriage:

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

Life is full of surprises

Life is not going to go the way you think it will. Whether that means surviving through deployments you never knew you would have to go through, moving to a place you never even thought about, or having different children than you thought you would.

Life will be filled with happy things like a new baby, buying a house, and going on an amazing vacation. Life will have sadness in it whether it is the death of one of your parents to cancer, the suicide of your sister-in-law, or a time of struggling with jobs and making enough money.

You will go through these happy times, and sad ones. You will need to depend on one another when you do. All couples go through these different types of situations and as hard as they might seem, we are not alone in trying to figure out how to deal with them.

You won’t always like each other

Sometimes I get annoyed with my husband and sometimes he gets annoyed with me. Before deployments, we can fight more than we normally do, about the silly stupid stuff. You won’t always like your spouse, but that feeling won’t last forever if you can work through your situation.

Stress can cause a marriage to break, especially if you don’t address what is causing the stress. If you feel like you can’t get past a particular situation, it is okay to ask for extra help. Going to marriage counseling doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can help you and your spouse and get you two to a better place.

You will still make each other smile

My husband still makes me smile. Whether it is because he is playing with the kids or because he is just walking through our house. I am still in love with this man and to be able to look at him and smile is a good thing.

Life sometimes gets so busy, and with both of us working hard, it can be difficult to find time to just hang out together, but we do try. Giving one another a quick smile or kiss during the day can go a long way in helping us connect during those busy days.

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

Growing old together really is amazing

When my husband and I got married I was 23; he was 26. Now we are 38 and 41. We have grown up a lot since those years. When we look at our wedding photos, we look so much younger than we do today. We have gray hair, more wrinkles, and we don’t move quite as fast.

I love this part of marriage. Of knowing we were together when I was in my early twenties and knowing we will be going through our 40s together soon (I still have 1.5 years, haha.) As each year goes by, we learn more about one another and experience different stages of life.

We had the years before kids, then they started coming, and diapers and baby food were the norm. Now our oldest is almost a teenager, and we are entering a new stage of life. It’s fun to look back over the years of where we have been and all that we have done together.

As we start a new married year together, I am thankful for my husband. I love what we have built together, and I am excited to see where the future takes us.

How long have you been married? What is your best marriage tip?

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

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25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

Deployment is coming. What do you do? Do you stay in your current home, solo parenting and making the best of your situations or do you pack it all up, go back home and get through the months away in a familiar space?

I went home for three months of a deployment, and it was one of the best things I ever could have done. I am not sure I would ever go home for that length of time again, my kids are older now, but for that deployment, it was the right choice.

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

Here are 25 reasons to go home for a deployment:

  • Because you hate your duty station

Let’s face it, if you can’t stand your duty station, going home for a deployment might work out in your favor. Getting a break from a place you don’t want to be can be a good idea. Even just going home for a few months can help you come back, ready to start over at the place you will still need to call home.

  • Because you hate your living situation at your duty station

You might love where you live just not your physical home. Your apartment could be way too small, you might hate your on post neighborhood, or just can’t stand your current living situation.

  • Because you just had a baby

After having a baby, having an extra set of hands during a deployment is going to be a good thing.

  • Because your family is helpful

If your family is helpful, going home will be a good thing. They will help you find a place to stay and be there for you when you need them.

  • Because your best friend still lives there

When your best friend still lives in your home town, spending time with her can be a perfect thing during a deployment. She might not fully understand military life, but she will be the listening ear that you need.

  • Because it snows too much at your duty station

If you are not used to snow, driving in the snow, and living in the snow, being at a place where it snows can be quite difficult. Why not head for warmer temps if that is the case?

  • Because you miss the beach

There is something about the beach, especially if you grew up with it in your backyard. Being close to the ocean water can be quite therapeutic.

  • Because you want your kids to know your family

What better way for your children to get to know your family than living right there with them.

  • 25 Reasons To Go Home For a DeploymentBecause you want to show your kids what life was like when you were growing up

When I went home for those three months, I was able to do a lot of the things I did growing up with my own children. That was a fun summer and one I will never forget.

  • Because you don’t want to be around the military 24/7

Sometimes we just want a big old break from the military. Going home for a deployment is a way to do it.

  • Because you want to visit, but you would rather just stay for a while

Visiting can be good, but staying a while can make the visit even better.

  • Because it is hard for anyone to come visit you

When no one can visit you, whether that is for health or financial reasons, going to them might be the only way to spend time together.

  • Because your kids haven’t started school

If your children are not school aged yet, going home makes more sense than if they are. This might be the only time to go home for a deployment.

  • Because you homeschool and you can

If you homeschool, going home for a few months won’t mess up the school year like it would if they attended school outside the house. Take advantage of this.

  • Because you want to experience something different

Home might be totally different than your current duty station. That might be just what you want for this deployment.

  • Because you want to always have help with the kids

Going home can mean having quite a few people to babysit your kids. People you love, people you trust, and people who love your children.

  • Because your family misses you

When you are the branch of the family tree who lives far away, people tend to miss you. Going home for a deployment can help with this.

  • Because you can save money

Look at your financial situation, will going home save you money?

  • Because you can go to school easier

If you want to go back to school, moving home could make that easier.

  • Because you want to help your family

Your own family might need help from you. Going home for a few months can be a way to help out when you otherwise would not be able to.

  • Because your mom is a good cook and you are not

When you are missing her home cooking, having it often during a deployment isn’t going to hurt.

  • Because you know your kids would love it

If you know your kids would enjoy your time back home, it could be something to seriously think about.

  • Because you will be PCSing right after he gets back

For some, going home make sense since you will be PCSing when they get home from the deployment.

  • Because you suffer from anxiety

Suffering from anxiety during a deployment can make things more difficult. Going home can help with that.

  • Because your duty station never felt like home

Sadly, no matter how hard you try, your duty station might never have clicked with you. And going home for the deployment will be your best bet.

25 Reasons To Go Home For a Deployment

When trying to make this decision, remember that going home for a deployment completely depends on you, your family, and your situation. What works for one person might not work for another.

I hope this list will get you thinking about whether it is the right option for you or not.

Have you ever gone home for a deployment? How was it?

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

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No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

I am not sure when my husband will deploy again. During our last deployment, I thought that would be our last one. Then he joined the National Guard. And although we have not experienced a deployment with the National Guard yet, that could happen. So I have to think ahead and prepare myself.

When I think about him deploying again, I get that nervous feeling in my stomach. Even though I have been through deployments before, the next one will be completely different. My boys will be different ages; we will be in a different type of situation, he could end up going to a different type of place.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You see, each deployment is its own experience.

Your first deployment might not be your hardest, your shortest deployment might prove to be harder than any other deployment. As most seasoned military spouses know, you never quite get used to having your spouse live away from you, in a war zone, fighting for our country.

Just because you have been through a deployment before, it doesn’t mean that you have every future deployment under control and that they won’t challenge you, because they will.

And although you will never truly get used to them leaving every so often, you will learn better how to get through those times apart.

You will figure out what works best for you and your family.

You will learn if counting down the days works for you or if you should just count down the months instead.

You will figure out how to stay busy, even if how you choose to do so changes during each deployment. You will learn about resilience, patience, and how to be more independent.

You will learn how to mow the lawn, take your kids to all their sports events alone, and how to stay sane when you feel anything but.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

You will figure out that what works for you for this deployment, might not work for you for the next deployment and could be entirely different from what works for your neighbor for her deployment.

You will figure out how to find people to get through the deployment with, even if that feels overwhelming at certain duty stations.

You will understand what your spouse needs from you while they are gone, whether that is a care package once a week or just to offer a listening ear when they call.

Over the years as a military spouse, you will figure out how to cope during deployments. You have to. If you don’t, you would never be able to make it through.

You will never get used to watching your spouse walk away, you will never get used to those lonely nights, and having to be both mom and dad to your kids. 

You will never get used to that last kiss, that last hug, and that last goodbye.

Your tears will always come, the first day will always be hard, and you will always wish that they didn’t have to go.

This is a good thing. This means that your spouse is someone special. That their presence in your home is a welcome one. That them being gone is not the norm, even if you understand why they have to go. That when they return, you will put the pieces back together and can be a full family once again.

No, You Never Get Used To Deployments

No, you never get used to deployments, but you can find support and rock the heck out of any deployment you will have to go through.

Although you start off feeling like a huge weight has been put on you, you will figure out how to lessen the stress and be able to find ways to thrive during your time apart. As the days go by, you will find yourself getting to a place where the deployment feels more manageable. Where you can see how you are going to get through the deployment, and how you can make the best of the situation.

How many deployments have you been through?

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

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13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

As military spouses, we each live our own lives. Although we are all unique and there is no one way to be a military spouse, there are parts of military life that ring true for all of us. From deployments to PCSing, these means ring true to military life.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

 

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Yes! OPSEC! It’s important and can be a bit confusing.
If you are a new military spouse, learn what OPSEC is and make sure to check out PERSEC as well.

 

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Military life will push you out of your comfort zone whether you like it or not. What is something adventurous that you have done since you became a military spouse?

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Sometimes those waves feel like too much but you will get through them.
And then enjoy the more peaceful periods of a deployment.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

The military ball! A time to dress up and go out with your spouse.
Dinner and dancing and away from the kids, what could be better than that?

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Yep! We live for those calls. Even if they wake us up from a deep sleep.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life
Commissary shopping is a big part of military life. Stick to these rules for a better experience.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

You never know where you might end up as a military spouse.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life
PCSing soon? Moving is always a chore but you have to make the best of it.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

This sums up military life all in one meme!

 

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Always. Military life will keep you guessing and once you have figured it out, you will learn something new.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Yes! We have to find our people to help us through. Then in return, we can be there for them.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Truth! Nothing is 100%. Nothing. It can always change.

13 Military Spouse Memes That Ring True to Military Life

Yes! Embrace that fresh start! Find new places to explore and bloom where you are stationed.

How long have you been a military spouse?

Having a Baby Overseas

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Having a Baby Overseas

Having a Baby Overseas

If on my wedding day you would have told me I would have a child in a different country, I would not have believed you. However, my 2nd little boy was born in Bavaria, in a German hospital with a German midwife and OB.

Thankfully my mom came to stay with us since my husband was deployed. He ended up missing the birth by three days. They sent him home on R&R, but the little guy just couldn’t wait.

I enjoyed giving birth in Germany, but the time after I gave birth was tough and lonely.

My mom couldn’t stay with me because there just wasn’t room and she had to be with my two-year-old. I missed my husband and was wishing he could be there with me. I couldn’t get comfortable, and I didn’t like the food.

Having a baby overseas

Giving birth overseas was nothing like my first birth, and that was hard to come to terms with. One night I asked the nurse for a diaper, and she couldn’t understand what I was saying until I used the word,”Pampers” instead. I was frustrated by the language barrier and mad at myself for not doing something about that before I got to the hospital.

If I had to do things over again, I would have taken a German class when I first moved there, or even when I was still in the states.

Although I was able to pick up a tiny amount of German, learning the language would have helped during my pregnancy and birth. Although a lot of Germans do speak English, some do not and knowing how to speak German would have been very helpful during my time in the German hospital.

Germany is a lot more pro-natural childbirth than the US is. They didn’t pressure me to get the epidural when I didn’t want one, and they did not push an induction. They did want me to have an enema which was an interesting experience.

After I gave birth the doctor told me that my birth went so well I should have had a home birth. I don’t think you would hear that very often from an OB in the US. At the time, I wanted a natural birth so giving birth in Germany made that much easier.

Having a baby in Germany

I will always look at my middle son as my Germany baby and remember how he came into this world. How his Dad missed the birth, but how my mom stepped in when he couldn’t. How her being there bonded us in a way I am thankful for.

I love that I had experience giving birth overseas as doing so was very different from my experiences giving birth with my other two boys in the US. When I look back at my time as a military spouse, giving birth overseas will be a big part of my story.

If you are getting ready to give birth in a different country, think about what an amazing experience doing so can be.

  • Make sure to ask questions
  • Find out what is different from what you are used to
  • Take a tour of the hospital
  • Take a class about giving birth in your host country
  • Talk to others who have given birth in the same hospital
  • Get prepared for the hospital stay
  • Learn the language if you are able to

The more you know about what the birth will be like the better prepared you will be and the better experience you will have.

Having a baby overseas

Have you ever given birth overseas? Where were you and what was it like?

What to do When Your Spouse’s Deployment Orders Get Extended

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What to do When Your Spouse's Deployment Orders Get ExtendedWhat to do When Your Spouse’s Deployment Orders Get Extended

The summer of 2007 was a difficult one for us in Schweinfurt, Germany. Our husbands had been deployed since the August before, and things were starting to wind down on their deployment. Although their orders said 12 months, there was a lot of talk about them coming home in June of that year, making the deployment nine months.

That didn’t happen, and they said that the deployment would be a year. And then, one day, it became much more than that. My husband’s unit was part of the surge in Iraq. They would no longer be coming home in August. Their orders were extended for October which became November.

What to do When Your Spouse's Deployment Orders Get Extended

My husband returned home to us a little shy of 15 months. We had not seen him since R&R, 11 months before. To say this was a long deployment was an understatement. And it felt like the deployment would never end. Even when we got close, it got extended.

Having your spouse’s deployment orders extended is one of the hardest things to have to deal with. Even if you have prepared for this happening, there is still a part of you that hoped it wouldn’t happen. You will probably feel crushed, broken, and wonder how in the world you will make it until they can get home.

If your spouse’s deployment orders get extended, here are some things you can do to help you make it through:

Let it out

When you first hear the news, you are probably going to break down. That is okay. Have a good cry about the situation, vent to a friend, or just let everything out in a journal.

It’s okay to be mad about the situation, it’s okay to be angry at the military, it’s okay to be upset because your spouse is going to be gone longer than you thought.

What to do When Your Spouse's Deployment Orders Get Extended

Look at the benefits

For us, we started to receive an extra $1,000 a month after the one year mark. This was a benefit to me and although I would have preferred to have my husband home earlier, it was nice to have that extra money.

Take some time to figure out what your benefits are, even if they seem small. Focusing on the advantages of the situation can help you handle it better.

Make a game plan

Once you have cried it all out over the extension, come up with a game plan. Back in 2007, a group of us spouses got together at McDonald’s after we heard the news. We were in shock, but we wanted to figure out how we were going to get through this. And we knew we would have to depend on one another.

Figure out how to stay busy

Staying busy is going to be even more important the last few months of an extended deployment. You don’t want just to sit around being bored. That will drive your nuts. Continue to stay busy and get out there. You will be glad that you did.

Try something new

The end of this deployment is a good time to try something new. Maybe for you, that is starting a new book series or volunteering somewhere. It could also mean starting school, looking for a new job, or even going on a small trip. The key is finding something you can focus on.

What to do When Your Spouse's Deployment Orders Get Extended

Extended deployments are so difficult to deal with, but they are a part of military life. Orders get changed, and there are a lot of different reasons why your spouse might be deployed longer than you thought they would be.

Have you ever been through an extended deployment?

 

The Truth About Military Duty Stations

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The Truth About Military Duty Stations

I just wanted to go home. I hated it there. Everything about that place was starting to get on my nerves. We were still months away from PCSing and the closer that date got, the harder it was to be patient. I wanted to move so badly. Live somewhere else. Get out of where we were.

Looking back, it seems unreal that I thought this about being stationed in Germany. Being stationed in Europe is a dream come true. Doing so was an amazing experience and one I am very thankful for. But after a couple of years of being away from the US, all I wanted to do was go somewhere else.

The Truth About Military Duty Stations

 

There are always a lot of questions about duty stations in my Facebook community. So many people want to know what to expect and what living in some locations will be like.

These questions are a good idea so that military spouses can find out more about what they will be doing in the future. I know I always have a ton of questions before I move somewhere new.

Duty stations come in all different sizes and are located in very different places. Hawaii is going to be an entirely different experience than being stationed in upstate New York.

The Truth about Duty stations

So what is the truth about military duty stations?

Some are better than others, but…

Some duty stations are better than others. The housing is better, the weather is more ideal in California than it is in the South, and some places have more resources than others. Some locations are favorites of military families and some places cause a lot of dread when they are brought up.

The truth is, you could have an enjoyable experience at a horrible place, or you could have a horrible experience in paradise. Homesickness can kick in and if you are stationed far from home, going to visit can be difficult.

If you do get orders for one of the less popular duty stations, try not to get too upset about them. You never know what your experience will be like and you may just figure out how to bloom where you are stationed.

The people make the difference

The people you meet at your duty station can make the difference. In one place you could end up in the right neighborhood and makes friends very quickly. These are the people that you will remember after you PCS. They are the ones that will make your experience at your duty station what it is.

In other places, you could struggle to make friends and not finding your tribe can be a difficult place to be in. You might look back on those years with unfavorable memories and dread simply because you had a hard time connecting with others.

If you have issues with different people at your duty station, that is going to change your experiences as well. Too much drama and feeling like you don’t fit in can make your time there not as great.

The Truth about duty stations

Things change all the time

No matter where you are or how you feel about your duty station, things change all the time. People PCS away, you can move, even within the same city, your kids get older, and you PCS yourself.

Whenever I feel like I have found my group of friends in my current city, I am aware that things will change. That what we have at the moment will not last forever and that things will be different in the future.

This is a good thing if you don’t like where you live, not so good if you do.

Duty stations don’t last forever

If you hate where you live, don’t think it will get any better, and can’t wait to leave, eventually, you will. Although some military families do stay at the same place for a while, most move at least every 3-5 years. Some even more often.

You will eventually PCS out of where you are now. You might have to be patient and wait for that, but the day will eventually come.

Same duty station, completely different experiences

You should always keep in mind that two people can have completely different experiences at the same duty station. Here at Fort Campbell, we have people that love this place and never want to go anywhere else and those that loathe it and can’t wait to move.

I think your experience at a particular duty station is going to depend on a few factors. One is where you are from and what you are used to. If you come from California, living in a much colder part of the country is going to make a difference.

Your experience is also going to depend on your house, your spouse’s unit and even the ages of your children. You could have two completely different experiences at the same place simply because there are 10 years in between.

The truth of military duty stations

When it comes to duty stations, remember that seeking advice is a good thing but don’t get discouraged by bad comments. Know that you will probably be able to experience many different places during your spouse’s career and that you won’t stay in one place forever.

What do you love the most about your current duty station?

 

Moving Every Few Years As a Military Family Isn’t a Bad Thing

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Moving Every Few Years As a Military Family Isn't a Bad Thing

Moving Every Few Years As a Military Family Isn’t a Bad Thing

I have been visiting my family this summer; they still live in the house I grew up in. We moved in when I was just five years old, and I lived there until I left their home at the age of 18, going off to college.

I grew up in this city. I graduated high school with most of the same people I started 1st grade with. Almost every part of this city has a memory attached to it.

As I was driving home from meeting a friend for lunch, I couldn’t help but think of all that. There was the street we would go down to get to junior high. There was where the old McDonald’s was we used to go to before youth group on Wednesday nights. There was the 7-11 I would grab a slushie from walking home from school.

Military Spouse Life

The list could go on and on.

As I reflected on this, I started thinking about military life and how for so many, this is the opposite of how their kids are growing up. Moving every three years, making new friends, exploring new places.

As military kids grow up they won’t have that one place where they called home; they will have several. Some they will have stronger memories of that others.

They might never again see anyone they went to 1st grade with, losing touch when they or their classmates move away, which is guaranteed to happen.

When they look back on their junior high years, they are probably not going to be anywhere near where their parents decided to retire. Those streets might even be foreign to them if that happens after they leave home.

Some military families do stay put. Some can extend their stays at their duty stations for longer than three or four years. Some stay so that kids can finish high school; others stay because they do want to put down those roots and somehow military life let them.

Why Moving Every Few Years As a Military Family Isn't a Bad Thing

But for most military families, the moving, the changing of places, the pcsing, it all becomes the norm.

Where you lived when your children were babies can be literally across the world from where you will live when they are teenagers.

Although some military families can go back to past duty stations, none of the same people are there the second time around, and that changes things.

Over the years, we can return to visit our own hometowns. Some of us left at 18, ready to start our own lives.

And once you do that. Once you leave, you can never really return. Even if you do, things will be different. You will be different.

I haven’t moved as much as some military families. As a Guard family, you tend to stay in the same place. But I have lived in places so very different from my home town in Southern California.

I have been able to experience a small German village, a southern military friendly city, and have enjoyed a lot of experiences I would never have had I stayed in Southern California.

If you are getting ready to move somewhere new, if you are getting ready to PCS somewhere out of your comfort zone, if you are scared of being away from home, remember that you will be learning so many things from all the places you end up.

Why Moving Every Few Years As a Military Family Isn't a Bad Thing

You will meet people you would never have. You will do things you never thought about before. You will experience how other people have lived, even if how they do so is so very different from your own upbringing.

Military life forces you out of your comfort zone. How can it not? So whether you are two hours from where you grew up, a two days drive, or a flight longer than you ever could have imagined, know that you will learn and grow as a person from being able to live there.

Look at moving as the biggest adventure. No, you might not be able to give your children the stability of a hometown for all of their 18 years, but you will be able to provide them with a life filled with new experiences.

What is one thing you have enjoyed about moving around every few years as a military family?