Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The Independent Military Spouse

by 1 Comment

The Independent Military Spouse

The Independent Military Spouse

When you have a spouse that is away from home a lot of the time, things change. You have to become more independent. Even if you don’t want to be. Even if you want to fight that. Independence will come even if the skill is a hard one for you to learn. You simply can’t rely on your spouse for everything that you used to. When my husband has been deployed, I am 100% in control of everything. I have to be. Sometimes we would go more than a week without talking. I was the one that has to make most if not all of the decisions. All the daily stuff falls to me.

You become the Independent Military Spouse!

What we do each day, what we eat, when the kids go to bed and everything in between. I have had to make decisions about preschool, special needs, traveling and what to buy for the home. Decisions on things that might not have been all up to me if he had never been deployed. I have to be the one to make sure all the bills are paid and that we are doing everything we are supposed to in order to keep the home running.

When he would get home, I didn’t want to be 100% in charge anymore but that was a role that was hard to drop.

The Independent Military Spouse is going to be in charge more often than not. She or he has to be. It wouldn’t make any sense to have the person who is not even home to be in charge of the running of the household.

The best thing to do is to talk about your expectations ahead of time. Find out if your spouse cares about where your children go to preschool, if you travel anywhere or what bills to pay down before others. Find out what they want to have a say in. You might assume they don’t care because they aren’t home but that might not be the case for everyone.

After years as a military spouse, you will have no choice but to become more independent. You will have to step up, even if stepping up is not in your nature to do so. If you have never been in charge of the bills, sit down with your spouse and talk about what is expected. This can be a scary change but going over everything so that you are both prepared for any separation is a must.

Being prepared during any type of separation includes how to run your household.

I never used to know how to mow the lawn but when my husband was set to deploy the first week of June, I knew I would have to learn. We didn’t want to have to spend money on someone doing the lawn for us. I was scared and unsure of how to use the mower so my husband took some time to show me. I tried mowing the lawn on my own the first time before he left just so I knew I was doing it correctly. It might sound like a silly thing to worry about but after learning how to do the lawn myself , I was fine. I didn’t have to depend on him to get the lawn mowed.

Talking with other Military spouses about this can also be helpful. If you are struggling with doing it all or not sure what your role is anymore,talking to others in the same position can help. A military marriage is going to look different than a civilian one. Find what works for you and your family and what can work while your spouse is away. Figure out how to be the Independent Military Spouse you need to be.

Do you enjoy being in control of everything when your spouse is gone? How does it work when they get home? Is it something your struggle with?

For the Military Spouse

by Leave a Comment

For The Military Spouse

For the Military Spouse…

For the spouse who is getting ready for her first deployment…

For the spouse who is getting ready for his fifth deployment…

For the spouse who has to tell his kids, that mommy misses them…

For the spouse who can’t wait until bedtime to have a good cry and some me time…

For the spouse who writes letter after letter and stands in very long lines to send a package over there…

For the spouse who has to take a back seat to a very demanding career…

For the spouse that loves being a SAHM while her husband serves in the military…

For the spouse that works her own career right along with her husband…

For the spouse who served in the past…

For the spouse who currently serves too…

For the spouse who can’t sleep a wink the night before homecoming…

For the spouse who has to drive her husband back to the airport, kiss him goodbye and figure out how to get through the rest of a deployment after R&R…

For the spouse who sits in a lonely house waiting for a phone call…

For the spouse who gets on an airplane alone with her three young children just to take them to Grandma’s for the summer…

For the spouse who gathers with friends to get through a deployment…

For the spouse that has to say goodbye to friends to move to a new duty station…

For the spouse, that has to make new friends…

For the spouse who gets a phone call that something went wrong…

For the spouse worried about the knock on the door…

For the spouse that has received a knock on the door…

For the spouse that doesn’t want to be a military spouse anymore…

For the spouse that doesn’t ever want her husband to leave the military…

For the spouse that is counting down the days until he will ETS…

For the spouse that is on the other side of the country from everything she has ever known…

For the spouse that was able to stay close to home for her husband’s first assignment…

For the spouse who has trouble making friends…

For the spouse who stays behind when everyone else is moving away…

For the spouse who has to stay behind so her son can finish high school…

For the spouse who gives birth without her husband…

For the spouse that grew up in the military…

For the spouse who never thought the military would be a part of her life…

For every spouse from every time period. You are amazing. You do great things. You are stronger than you think you are. You are one of the few and without you, the military would be a very different type of place. You do things others never have to think about. You cry, you vent, you laugh and you smile. You do the best that you can so that you can support your spouse.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Month!

 

The One Thing Your Marriage Needs To Survive A Deployment

by 3 Comments

Trust is so important for any couple, military or not. You have to be able to trust the person you are spending your life with. You have to. If you don’t have trust, you are going to have problems.

Within a military marriage, this is even more important. You are going to spend a lot of time apart, oceans apart in some cases. You will go days without talking, sometimes weeks. You might have to go a whole year without living in the same house. Trust is the number one thing you need to survive a deployment.

The One Thing Your Marriage Needs To Survive A Deployment

Trust Is A Must

Without trust, your imagination can take hold of you. Is he really on a blackout or does he just not want to talk to me? Is he spending all his free time with someone else or is he really that busy?

Is there a reason he is always online but never calls me? Is he messaging someone else? I think most military spouses struggle with these thoughts when their husband is gone. It can be hard to live apart. Your brain plays tricks on you.

You have to struggle to not think the worst sometimes. But this is why trust is a must. You have to be able to trust that your spouse is going to be loyal to you. That they have your heart in their heart. You have to believe this is true.

So when those thoughts pop into your head, you can push them aside. So you remember that your spouse does really care for you and although he can’t always contact you and can’t be everything you need at the moment because of his job, he still loves and cares for you.

They Need To Be Able To Trust You

The trust I am talking about goes both ways. You don’t want your spouse to have to worry that you are not being faithful to him while he is away. From his point of view, you have access to the whole world. He has to be able to trust you.

Trust that you will be faithful, that you won’t spend all of the money, that you won’t leave him. This doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in your house for the time he is gone. It just means that you want to be smart with your time and know your own relationship. Be someone that your spouse does not have to worry about.

Talk Through Your Struggles

Every couple has struggled. Both civilian couples and military couples. This is just something you have to work through.

If trust is your issue, you need to talk through that, before they leave for a deployment or other training. You want to be on the same page. You want to know that you can both trust each other. You want to recognize your weak points and work through them.

It could be that you worry so much that you let that worry take over and although your spouse is being trustworthy, you have a hard time believing them. This could be because of something that happened in the past or just the way your personality works. Either way, work through that.

Sometimes You Can’t Trust Them

Sometimes your worries about trust are important to listen to. Sadly, not everyone is trustworthy. Not everyone tells the truth and some people, both the military member and spouse don’t act the way they should during a deployment.

If this is you, reach out. Reach out to a good friend that you trust, talk to a Chaplain or Military Family Life Consultant. Make an appointment with a counselor. Or if you can, talk about your thoughts with your spouse.

The bottom line is that you know your own marriage and what your struggles are. Work on the trust issue and understand how important it is. When they are home, work on your marriage so when they have to leave again you will be in a much better place.

Trust in a military relationship is an invisible thread. One that you can’t see but that connects you to each other. You have to believe it is there and you have to believe that the other person is holding onto it too. Without that thread, the deployment is going to be even harder than it needs to be.

What do YOU think a marriage needs to survive a deployment?

When Your Spouse Has A Dangerous Job

by 3 Comments

Sitting in the pre-deployment briefing before a deployment is surreal. You think you are ready for the deployment, but the reality is different emotions and feelings come up.

When they start to talk about what could happen and what the military will do if the worst does in fact happen can cause anyone to go into a panic. Knowing that your husband, your soul mate is going off to war and will be spending months in a very dangerous job isn’t something you can easily come to terms with.

When Your Spouse Has A Dangerous Job

You have to know the process too. You can’t stick your head in the sand about this. You have to know what will happen if your spouse isn’t going to make it home. You have to understand what will happen if your spouse gets injured or if you have an emergency back at home and you need to contact them.

You need to make sure they have an updated will and that all the right paperwork is filled out. These are the types of things that will come up in a pre-deployment briefing. They want you to be prepared and know what you will need to do if anything does happen when your spouse is deployed.

When you see them off, when they leave, when the deployment becomes real, there is a sense of fear that can stop you in your tracks if you let it. The key is to figure out methods to be able to deal with the fact that your spouse has a dangerous job. This isn’t just something military spouses have to do. Others have to do this when they are married to police officers, firefighters or any other job that can put their life at risk.

I wanted to share what worked for me and how I was able to come to terms with my husband having a dangerous job. For as hard as deployments were for me, this part of being deployed wasn’t where I struggled. Somehow I was able to get through my deployments without letting this fear overtake me.

Here are some things to keep in mind when your spouse has a dangerous job:

The News

The standard advice is to avoid the news, but I am going to say that depends very much on your personally. Some people need to watch the news to feel safer. Some are not bothered by watching the news at all.

Others have to stay away from the news altogether. You know yourself; you know what will set you off. If watching the news makes you more scared and worried about your spouse, don’t look at the news. Walk away from that until they come home.

Prayers

Relying on your faith traditions is important during a deployment. For me, that meant always praying and believing that I would be taken care of no matter what happened to my husband. Knowing that I had so many praying for him helped as well. Knowing that God was there, even in time of war was important.

Find your faith during the months your spouse is away and depend on it. Even if you are not super religious, you do believe in something so use that when things feel like they are falling apart and you are not sure you can handle your spouse being in a war zone. Meditate, pray and depend on others to help you through.

Preparing

I remember telling a non-military friend about how I didn’t think I would ever be emotionally prepared if something happened to my husband overseas but I was going to be as financially prepared as possible. I wanted to know what would happen to us. How we would live and what we would live on.

I wanted everything set and a plan in my head. This helped me feel better about everything and allowed me to stop dwelling on the what-ifs and focus on what I needed to do each day when he was gone.

Talking About It

Talking about all of this with others who are also going through a deployment can help. When my husband was deployed, I talked with my other Army wife friends about what we would do if something happened to our husbands.

We talked about the difficulties we might encounter with different family members or how our career plans would change. This was helpful because doing so allowed us to know we were not alone. Talking about your fears with others who understand them can be very therapeutic.

In the end, know that you are not alone in your worry. Worrying about your spouse going to a dangerous place and doing dangerous things is normal. However, you don’t have to let your fear overtake you to the point where you can’t live your life. You can prepare and do what you can to be able to get through the time they are over there.

How do you control your fear during a deployment? What has worked best when you have a spouse with a dangerous job?

What You Should Know About The Reintegration Period After Deployment

by 1 Comment

What You Should Know About The Reintegration Period After Deployment

Homecoming is amazing! That day is one of the best. You get to pick up your spouse. The deployment is over.

There are hugs and kisses and tears of happiness. You wait and wait and you can finally bring them home. You are on a high from the excitement. But what happens the next morning? What happens the next week? When things start to get hard or complicated?

One of the hardest parts of a deployment can be after they return. You, the spouse have spent all this time without them. You have a routine and now they are home. Sometimes they come home from war very broken and sometimes there is a lot to deal with.

From wanting to spend all of your time together to working hard on getting him back into your schedule, here are what some of my military spouse friends have to say about what was the hardest thing to deal with in the reintegration period after deployment:

Letting him out of my sight to do anything other than hang out and talk! I was SO clingy!- Joanna, Jo, My Gosh

For me the hardest part of that weird post-deployment time frame was that even though he is home, he’s still very much connected to the boat. He didn’t always get to come home right away. He still stood duty, still had to be at work every day even on weekends. I wanted him to BE HOME after a deployment, and it just never works out that way.- Jody, Homeport:Washington 

The hardest part for me was when I had a job too. They get a week of downtime when they first come home. It was hard getting up and still going to work knowing that I could be spending the entire day with him.- Pamela, The Coastie Couple

The Reintegration Period After Deployment

I think the hardest thing for me was just watching him reintegrate with the kids and our family. He was unfamiliar with schedules and what the kids were doing and thinking no matter how well connected I kept him. It was hard because I didn’t want to correct him. I wanted to just let him just merge back into life, and not take over. But in some respects I couldn’t. It was tricky.-Rheanna, Cammo Style Love

The hardest part for us was that underways still happen immediately after deployment. During our first deployment, they were only home for a month before they had to go back out there for training. It was just a reality we had to adapt to very quickly.- Malia, Wandering Malia

I think the hardest thing is when he tries to take over some of the tasks. I see it now in treatment for cancer. Like if there is something I can’t do, or did before, he doesn’t do it right lol, or he doesn’t do it on my schedule. Like when I was really weak during treatment, he would spend hours cleaning the kitchen, and then never vacuum.- Jodi

The hardest thing for me was immediately wanting tons of together time and realizing he wasn’t going to be able to just jump back into my normal. He needed some time to adjust, sleep, get back on a normal schedule and I was all bouncy puppy dog just wanting to love him. And when it wasn’t reciprocated in the way I was expecting, I didn’t know enough not to take it personally.- Rachel, Countdowns and Cupcakes

A hard thing for me was having to cook again. I hate cooking and I missed being able to have cereal for dinner.- Amber, Airing My Laundry

The Reintegration Period After Deployment

Two hardest things for me: #1- I got pregnant with our 2nd child right before he left and the baby was born only a few weeks after he came back. Adding 2 “new” people into our home in such a short period of time was a little overwhelming (especially when it came to doing laundry)! #2- Adjusting to not seeing my friends as much. I had become very connected to other wives in the unit and once our husbands came back those relationships were unfortunately never the same. They had become my support system and it was surprisingly difficult to shift that back to my husband.-Sarah,  Servant Mama

Each reintegration has been a bit different, but consistently I struggle a little with balancing a desire to do everything to keep him happy in those first few weeks/months and my need to stay sane. When he first comes home, he wants to eat out constantly, road trip, give our son all sorts of treats/stay up late/etc. Part of me wants to jump right in with him and just enjoy each other. But the reality is that our son needs some consistency and structure, my husband and I both do best with a little breathing room, work still has to happen and all those mundane daily tasks that keep a household running need to happen. I have to insist without getting resentful and he needs to be flexible while reminding me it’s okay to relax. We did better with our most recent one and that was in large part because we communicated more effectively before he came home about plans and schedules so we had a better handle on what to expect.- Kristen, If The Saddle Fits

He had terrible depth perception after six months at sea on a submarine. I couldn’t let him drive the first few days until he got reacquainted with that strange bright orb in the sky.- Patricia,

I’m the soldier and mother. The hardest was having to start doing all the routine and endless tasks of taking care of a home and children. Some things I used to love seemed tedious. But my family was so patient and understanding! I have so much respect for the spouses and family that support their soldiers!- Tamara, Enlisted Mom

I have a really hard time figuring out the balance between giving him enough alone time and completely smothering him with my presence. We are both so used to doing things alone, from watching TV to deciding on what to eat for dinner…so when he returns I want to involve him in all those decisions, I want to cook together, I want to be together. I am a clingy, obnoxious pest. He struggles with figuring out how to make me happy with balancing all this new togetherness. We’ve both learned after a series of (almost) back to back deployments not to take anything the other does during those first weeks back personally, but I still just want more of “us time”. Being that I also work full time, I don’t get to have a week of leave as soon as he gets back so I tend to really monopolize the time that we do have off together, forgetting that he also needs to sleep, unwind and readjust. – Molly, Love the Everyday

The Reintegration Period After Deployment

The hardest thing for both of us was establishing a new normal. Realizing that we had changed and grown over our 10 months apart. I had started a professional job and now had requirements that didn’t allow me to have time off when he did. I also had to learn what thing I wanted to give and what things I want to continue. It was alot more challenging than I expected. I wrote an entire post on the experience here.- Elizabeth, The Reluctant Landlord

The hardest part for me was not taking out the trash. It sounds so mundane, but you get so used to doing EVERYTHING that something as simple as letting them take the trash out, was hard for me to relinquish. It’s so important for them to feel needed again and something as simple as the trash is just one more way to get back to normal.- Kayla, The Navy Mom

The hardest part was teaching him to adjust to the children…-Trista, A Purpose Driven Wife

The hardest thing for me is realizing he can be a big help, but he isn’t going to do it my way. For months, I go on with life doing things the way I want them to be done, but then all of a sudden, he comes back and he will go back to how it used to be done. We have always approached things differently, but it is really magnetized when he comes home. And he likes to rearrange the furniture.- Kim, 1200 Miles Away

Just knowing how much he missed during our son’s first year. He left when he was 10 days old and returned when he was 14 months old.-Karen, And Then We Laughed

We didn’t have any big issues. It was more me having to adjust to him upsetting our schedule and routine. I had to take someone else’s opinion to mind instead of just doing what I wanted to do.-Kara, Ramblings of a Marine Wife

What was the hardest part of those first few weeks during reintegration after a deployment?

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

by 5 Comments

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

The time has come and your spouse has left for a deployment. You’re feeling a little out of sorts. You haven’t fully accepted that he is actually gone and now you have three, six or nine months ahead of you. Months of a deployment where you will not see your husband. Where you will be both mom and dad for your kids and where you know the loneliness will set in. How will you get through a deployment?

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

In order to get through this season, you are going to need to have a deployment toolkit. In the kit, you will keep the things that will help you while he is gone. Everyone’s toolkit is going to look a bit different but here are some ideas to help you get ready to conquer your upcoming deployment.

Good Friends

Having someone you can depend on during a deployment is so important. This can be hard to find sometimes because you might have just moved to your duty station right before the deployment or your best friend might have just moved away right before it starts.

The key is finding places to go, to take yourself and your kids where you can meet other people. Think about groups or clubs that you would enjoy and go to them. Be friendly and let people know you are new or would like to set up a playdate. This is hard I know, especially if you are on the shy side but it can be worth doing in order to find a good friend to go through a deployment with.

Patience

I don’t have a lot of patience, especially during a deployment. But I need to have it if I don’t want to drive myself nuts. I need to have patience with the timetables, with the changing dates, with my kids and even my house. Sometimes even my dog. This is hard but I know I need to step back, take a deep breath and work on my patience.

Good Food and Drink

For some people, this is a good cup of coffee. I never really felt I needed coffee every day until our first deployment, then it was a must. Other people prefer tea or Dr. Pepper or a nice glass of wine. Just have something in your house that can make you feel good on a bad day.

You can apply this to food too. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream is a good way to end a stressful day. Be careful, though. Stress eating is a thing and the deployment might be a good time to break that habit. Make a nice salad or try a new food you didn’t think you would like.

Books and Other Hobbies

Reading books, watching movies, tv, going on walks, working on your hobbies, etc, all of these will help you through a deployment. Focusing on your hobbies will help keep you busy. You can also work on your career, work on going to school or do something to better yourself.

The best thing to do is make a list of all the things you want to do while your spouse is gone. You won’t finish that list but it will give you tons of ideas and allow you to fill up your time. A good book can take you out of a funk and get you interested in something else besides just missing your spouse. I love to read to help me through a stressful period of time.

The Ability to Laugh

You really have to be able to laugh at military life. It’s not that things are funny, it’s that if you take everything too seriously, life is just going to get too hard. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the situation. See that thing will get better in the long run. Don’t be afraid to have fun while he is gone and make a life for yourself.

A Journal

Writing in a journal can help you get your feelings and thoughts out. If you haven’t ever written in one before, a deployment is a good place to start. Some couples like to keep one together. One will write in it for a week and then send it to the other and back again. This is a great way to connect during a deployment. Looking back at your old journals and reading about old struggles can help you get through your current ones.

A Haven

You need a safe place where you can go when you just need a moment. This can be your home, a room in your home, even a corner. I like to turn my bedroom into this place. I want the area comfortable with soft lighting. I want it to be a place I can retreat when I just can’t take it anymore. A place to relax, cry and figure out how to get out of my funk.

Deployments are going to stress you out which is why you need the right tools to help you through one.

What is in your deployment toolbox? How do you get through a deployment?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Why You Should or Shouldn’t Move Home During a Deployment

by 7 Comments

Should you move home during a deployment?

Your spouse has just received orders for a nine-month deployment. You have a 20-month-old and you are six weeks pregnant with your second child. You just moved to your duty station and don’t have very many friends around. What should you do? Go home? That might be a smart choice.

Sometimes spouses do go home for a deployment. They either move out of their current housing or just plan to leave it for a while. They move back in with their parents for the deployment. There are plenty of benefits to this but also some reasons why you shouldn’t.

So, why should you move home during a deployment?

  • For extra family support. If you move home, you will not be alone. You will most likely be living with other adults and they can help you and your children. They can be there for you on the harder days and help keep you busy. Being with family during deployment can make the time pass by quickly.
  • For familiarity. Being home again can feel like a comfortable blanket. You know where everything is. You know what you can do for fun and you can take your kids around to all the places you used to visit when you lived there. You can see friends you have known for a long time and it can be a great place to spend the months that your spouse is going to be away.
  • For safety reasons. Living alone can be scary, even if you live in a nice neighborhood. Staying with family can make you feel safer while your spouse is gone. You don’t have to worry about being in a home all by yourself. Being in a home with other people can take away that fear. There is enough to be afraid of during deployments that your home shouldn’t be one of those fears.

Moving home isn’t an option for everyone. Some spouses do not have family to go home to or don’t want to be with them for the deployment. Others find the military community so great of an asset that they can’t see leaving it. During our second deployment, I took my two boys and we stayed with my parents for about three months over the summer. This was mostly because I wanted a break from Germany and it helped speed up the deployment. We had a great time having fun in Southern California and it was great to spend so much time with my parents especially since we lived so far away from them.

Here is why you shouldn’t move home during a deployment:

  • Loss of military community. Unless home is in a military community too, you will lose access to it during the deployment which is the time you need it most. You won’t be able to attend FRG meetings or meet up with other spouses who are going through a deployment. You might start feeling very disconnected to the whole thing yet still feel the sadness of the deployment. This can be hard for some people.
  • Housing. Sometimes if you leave your housing for too long you can lose it. You might not be able to come back to the same home. You might have to go back on a waiting list or find a new house after he gets back from deployment. If your kids are in school you might have to take them out if you are not homeschooling. It can be tricky to uproot your kids more often than you need to.
  • Not bonding with other spouses. There is something that happens when you go through a deployment with someone else. You bond in a way that you can’t bond with other people. If you are not living in the community it will be hard for you to meet other spouses and bond with them. This might mean that you give up a great opportunity to start friendships that will last forever.

There is no one right answer to the question about if you should go home for a deployment or not. Some people do and have a great experience, others regret it. You have to decide what is best for you and your own family.

Have you gone home for a deployment? For a long visit or for the whole time? How did it work out for you?