Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The Reality of Solo Parenting

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The Reality of Solo Parenting

You know that your spouse will have to be away from you when they join the Military. You know that you will have to be alone with the kids. However, nothing can ever prepare you for what solo parenting will be like, how you will be able to handle the time away from your spouse and how hard it will be when they have to leave for months at a time.

The reality of solo parenting is that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

November 2005. That was the first time I was ever a solo parent. My son was 13 months old and my husband left for Germany. Assuming we would join him within a couple of months. Up until that time my husband had been there for everything. Every. Single. Thing. He worked a job where he left the house about 8:30 and was home about 6:30. He had the weekends off. Up until that time, the only days we had been apart were when I took my son down to my parent’s house for about a week.

But November 2005, all that changed when he joined the Army. I wasn’t naive and I knew I would have to be a solo parent. I knew he would be away sometimes.

I knew I would have to do it alone. However, I had no idea how hard that would really be.

I assumed it would be a bit easier than it has been. I was a babysitter for years, I knew how to handle children, right? Sure, I would have to do more but I could handle it, right? I would just have to find a good routine and we would be good, it would be like he wasn’t even gone. Right?

Wrong. That’s not how it went. Not for me anyways. We had adventures, we had good days filled with happy times with friends but at the end of the day it was me, solo with the kids. Me, doing everything that most households split.

Me, in charge, all day and all night.

It was me, pregnant me and a two-year-old. It was me, with a newborn and a husband in a war zone. It was me, trying to plan the days and the nights and weekends alone. It was me, trying to get through everything that I had to because my husband was a soldier. It was me who depended on friends and others because my own family was so far away.

The reality of solo parenting is that it is difficult and some days it does not feel like you will make it through. Other days will make you feel like you are failing this whole parenting thing. There is simply not enough patience or energy to do it all, there just isn’t. I have spent plenty of nights crying myself to sleep over everything. The exhaustion and the worry and the helplessness.

When you solo parent you end up becoming a different type of parent then you would be otherwise.

You don’t worry about certain things and you overstress about others. Like how much your kids are missing their father and if that will hurt them down the road. You might let them stay up a little too late or order pizza too many times.

The good thing about solo parenting in a military community is that other people get it. They understand and they have been there too. Other people can relate and know how difficult it can be to have to be mom and dad to your kids each and everyday.

For me personally, my solo parenting days are coming to an end. This makes me very happy. Although my children are older now and we are almost at the teen years, I am glad I don’t have to do them alone. I know that there are some that spend 20+ years in this life and they are able to do it with grace. Had that been my road, I am not sure if I could have handled it but who really knows? You never know how strong you really are until your faced with having to be as strong as possible.

I hope that what I have learned as a solo parent over the last 11 years can help me encourage others. I have been through it with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and now a tween. Each stage comes with its own set of challenges. Each year was different. And when my husband has been home and we have been a two parent household, life got a little easier. I hung onto those times through the months of separation that left me as the only parent in the home.

My best advice is to take it one day at time, one hour at a time if you need to. Make plans, stay busy and find friends who get it. Know that you are not alone and that you won’t always be in this particular situation. Life goes on, children grow and things change. Be as strong as you can be and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Military Life

Are you in a season of solo parenting? What is the hardest part about it for you?

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

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All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

15 Months

11 Months

5.5 Months

6.5 Months

= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.

This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.

WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.

Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.

He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.

He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.

He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.

His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.

To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.

I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.

I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.

There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.

As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.

You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.

Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

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What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

When a deployment first starts and you have the long stretch of days ahead of you, it might seem like you are never going to get to the end. You are sad and trying to get used to your new normal. All you want to do is stay in bed and cry away the day. But you can’t do that the whole time they are away. You have to live and you have to make plans. This is even more important if you have children. You can’t stay in your “cave” for the whole deployment.

So…you start to figure out how to do this deployment thing. You make plans and look ahead at the months he will be gone and know you will have to fill them. You will need time to pass. You need the deployment to speed up. But how?

Stay Busy

They tell you that the #1 thing you can do to get through a deployment is to stay busy and this is true. If your deployment is dragging, fill up your calendar and it will start to pick up. Even if it is something little and silly, put it on your calendar. You can include book releases, tv shows or just a trip to the park. Fill up your days so you won’t feel so alone and so that time passes and you can have some fun even if you still miss your spouse while you are having it. If you can, plan a trip. Go see a part of the country you have never been before, visit your parents, take a trip to the beach.

Work on projects

Projects are really going to help you speed up your deployment. Think about house projects, did you want to paint your bedroom? Make plans to do it. Want to catch up on your scrapbooks? Go ahead. Want to write a book? Maybe now is the time to do it. Think about all the things on your to-do list and get started on them. We always seem to have extra time during deployments and it is best to fill it with things that you want to do. Projects can allow you to get focused on something else and it is always a good feeling to finish something that you have always wanted to start.

Get together with friends

If you can plan to get together with friends during your deployment, time is going to go by a lot faster. Plan playdates, nights out, dinners together and even holidays. Plan for walks, start a book club and get your kids together. Find others that are missing their spouses and celebrate getting through the stages of deployment. Have a 100 days party and then get together to make homecoming signs when you know they are coming home. Stick together and know you have each other. The military members have battle buddies and the spouses need them to. They are the best way to get through a deployment, especially a long one.

If you feel stuck, feel like time is just not moving, take some time to make some plans. There is a lot you can to do to speed up the deployment. If you focus on other things, time will speed up, I promise. You will be glad you spent the deployment actually doing something instead of staying home and being sad the whole time.

Some people worry about having too much fun when their spouse has to be in a war zone. That can be hard to let go of but the truth is, it’s okay to have fun when they are gone. They should understand. They should know that you have to get through the deployment in whatever way that you can. If they don’t understand this and expect you to stay home the whole time, you need to have a talk. It isn’t fair to you and it wouldn’t be a good way to get through a deployment.

What have you done to speed up a long deployment that didn’t seem like it was going to end???

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

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The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

My husband and I had talked about him re-joining the Military for months before he actually did. It was a hard decision to make and I can remember thinking about how if he did join he would be gone for long periods of time. This would mean that I would be the solo parent in the home to our son and any future children we might have.

That was a hard thing to come to terms with. To think that I would have to be alone with my kids for periods of time. That wasn’t what I had in mind when I married my husband. We were going to have kids, several of them. He was a good father. He would be there for everything.

Being a solo parent is just one of the many ways that Military life is hard. It can really get to you and each day can be a struggle. And as much as there are good things about Military life like homecomings, good friends, taking pride in what your spouse is doing, there are some hard truths about it as well.

Your spouse is going to miss holidays

This one can be hard for some people, especially if you can’t make it home to be with other family members. Deployments and trainings doesn’t usually take off for the holidays, especially the smaller ones. You can’t ever assume that they will be home for Christmas, if they are, you are one of the lucky ones. You will have to make the best of it, celebrate later or figure out creative ways to still celebrate the holidays when they are gone.

You might have to give birth without them

Raise your hand if you had to give birth without your husband. So many of us Military spouses have had to do this. For me it was because they send him home on R&R but he didn’t get home in time. He met his son at our front door when he was three days old. Thank goodness my mom was there. I have had friends that do decide to go home if they know their husband will be gone for the birth. Others are able to Skype with them during the birth. Thank goodness for technology. Although a lot of commands do try to make it so that your spouse will be with you for the birth, it isn’t always possible.

Your friends will always be moving away

Military life includes a lot of moves. That means that people will be coming and going all the time. As a Military spouse you will have to say goodbye to a lot of people, your kids will too. Some of these people will be your best friends and saying goodbye will hurt in the worst way. Other friends might not be as close but you will miss seeing them on a regular basis and will feel their absence. And if your friends aren’t moving any time soon, you might be the one to have to do it. It is hard to always have to say goodbye and then try to make new friends again but we Military spouses do it. We do it all the time.

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

You will become independent and that will change the dynamic of your marriage

Because of the way Military life works, you will become more independent as a Military spouse. Things will break when they are gone and you will have to figure that out by yourself. You will have to run the household, pay all the bills, make a lot of decisions alone that a lot of couples make together. All of that will make you very independent. This can be a challenge when they are home. You will still want to do it all and sometimes you have to let them do things again. This is something you and your spouse will have to work through in order to get to a good place.

It’s important to understand these hard truths if you are a Military spouse. You want to be prepared for them and it is also nice to know that a lot of other Military spouses experience these challenges too. It can help you not feel so alone if your spouse is in the Military and you are living the Military life.

Leave me a comment and tell me what has been hard for you during your time as a Military spouse? How do you get through those challenges?

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Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

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Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment!

Deployment! I know I talk about deployment quite a bit on this blog. Deployments have been such a part of my life for so long, I have a lot to share. As time goes by, I get further away from my deployments but they still will always stick with me.

I have been thinking about what I would need if I was a new Military spouse getting ready for her first deployment. I know I would need encouragement, I would need to know it was going to be okay, and I think some sort of guide would help.

Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment

I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead. A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.

So here we go…

Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.

Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.

Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.

Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.

Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.

Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.

Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.

Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.

Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.

Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all his favorite items in there.

Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint and get started.

Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people.

Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.

Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.

Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.

Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.

Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.

Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.

Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.

Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.

Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?

Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.

Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.

Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.

Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.

Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal.

Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that man more than anyone else.

Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.

Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.

Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC.

Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. Doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.

Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.

Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!

Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Deployments and The Effect on Children

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Deployments and The Effect on Children

Deployments and The Effect on Children

After four deployments, our family knows what it is like to go long periods of time without Dad in the home. It can be so challenging for the parent at home to have to be mom and dad. It can also be really hard on the children who might not truly understand why their mom or dad has to be away from them.

Since the war in Afghanistan began in 2001, more than 2 million American children have had a deployed parent. Many of them have seen multiple deployments. This tells me that we are not alone and that all these children have gone through or are going through what my own boys have.

Our last deployment ended in 2013 and my boys were 9, 7 and 3. At those ages they only kind of understand what Dad was doing. It was a hard time for all of us as I helped them work through the time apart while trying to deal with the deployment myself. It can be difficult to know what will help them and what they are really dealing with.

The best thing to do is to keep the line of communication open with your children. Let them know it is okay to share with you how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. Encourge them to reach out to you if it becomes too hard. Sometimes young kids will act out when they are feeling frustrated about the deployment. It is important to keep firm boundaries in your home but be aware that some behavior could be because of missing one of their parents.

One idea is to have a recordable device that the deployed parent can set up to give to the child. Recordable teddy bears, along with other battery-powered devices such as recordable story books provide reliable comfort no matter when or where their parent is deployed.

Duracell has a great out all about how a Teddy Bear can help a child through a deployment. This video made me cry because it shows us how hard it can be for a child to be without their dad. It is nice that we live in a time where technology can help that divide and allow the child to hear their parent’s voice whenever they want. The film was inspired by a real Military child who was showed Duracell a Teddy Bear she had during her father’s deployment.

Duracell would like to raise $100,000 for USO’s Comfort Crew for Military Kids. Share the film and find out how you donate to the cause through the USO at http://www.uso.org/donate.

You can also find Duracell on Facebook and Twitter.

 

This review was made possible by iConnect and Duracell. I was provided compensation to facilitate this post, but all opinions are 100% mine.

 

 

5 Ways Deployments Changed Me For The Better

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5 Ways Deployments Changed Me For The Better

Deployments! My husband has been home from his last deployment for about 18 months now. He got back a little before Christmas of 2013. It was his 4th deployment and it was a very difficult one for me. I am not sure if it was because I carried the weight of the other three, if I knew it was probably going to be his last one or if I never thought he would actually be going until two weeks before. It was stressful , but somehow I made it through those 6 months and came out the other side.

I have 4 deployments in my past and they will always stay with me. The good times, the bad times, soldiers lost, new friends found, finding the good in them, trying to handle the bad. I was forever changed by the years my husband was at war. I am a different person because of them. They are my past and will always impact my future. They have changed the way I parent, how I make friends and have clouded choices I make in the future.

Looking back I tend to cringe when I remember all the bad. The hard nights, the sad nights, the rough days, the breakdowns and all of that. But if I really look into it, I know I have learned and grown as a person because of them. I know that in some ways, deployments changed me for the better.

Independence

As much as I hate having to take care of the house when my husband is gone, as much as I hate having to be the only one making certain decisions, it has made me into a more independent person. I have had to become one. I had no other choice. This isn’t to say I never feel like I need my husband because I do, just that I know I can do things on my own if I need to. It is a little freeing. And a little scary.

Keeping Busy

Through all the days I spent without my husband home, I have learned how to stay busy. I feel like I work hard to create a balance of just enough busyness not to drive myself crazy. I can find stuff for us to do, I can make plans to fill the calendar. I am never ever bored because I always keep going. I can’t just not make any plans because that means we will start to get too lonely and I can’t stand that feeling.

I know how people get through impossible things

If I hear about someone losing a child, losing a home, losing a marriage…I never tell them I could never go through what they are going through. Why? Because although I have never been through those types of tragedies, I know that when you are in a very hard and impossible situation, you do what you have to do to get through it. You cry, you vent, you pray and you make your way to the next day. You get through it because you have it. You have no choice.

I can sympathize with others

If I hear someone else is getting ready to send their spouse off to war, I can totally sympathize with that. I can be a listening ear, someone to talk to about it, I truly understand how hard it can be to say goodbye. I get it and I can help someone else get through it. I have experienced different types of deployments too. I have been through long ones and short ones. Scary ones and more mild ones. I get it and I can offer support to others who might need it.

I am not going to take my husband for granted

I am not going to wish him away. I am going to enjoy the moments together. I will remember how hard it was to live without him. To spend over a year without him in our home. I am going to try hard to always remember that. It isn’t always easy. When my husband went away for his two-week training with the Guard, it felt impossible. I really had to give myself a talking to. I have gone so much longer without talking to him, I should be able to handle this.

What about you? What have deployments changed about you???

What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment

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What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment

We all know that there are positives to every deployment. We also know how hard they can be and how badly you might miss your spouse when they are away. Sometimes it is just the little everyday things that you miss the most.

This is my list of what I missed the most when he was gone on a deployment…

* Being with me when the boys have activities like soccer practice/games.  I video tape but still…not the same!

* My weekend “break”- When my husband is home I am able to get out for a few hours all by myself.  Even if it is a 15 minute run to the store.

* Sundays after church- I just want to go out to lunch with my husband, I miss that when he is not home.

* Sundays at church- I miss sitting by him & holding hands during the service. It is just not the same sitting there with just the kids or even by myself.

* Having someone to bounce little ideas/questions off of.  I like hearing his opinion about life and whatever might be on my mind. I can also ask him if I am just being crazy about something or just his thought on the subject.

* Watching a movie with him.  I end up watching more movies when he is gone but I love it when we can watch them together. And then talk about how weird or silly they were.

* Hearing his opinion on shows like the Bachelor or Army Wives.  He just cracks me up with his thoughts.  I always miss that humor.

* His jokes.  My husband is a very silly man and always trying to make a joke.   Even if they are pretty corny, I miss them when he is not around. I find myself craving his jokes because they are very much a part of who he is.

Distance is hard, and missing the day-to-day can really get to you. On the other hand, it can really make you appreciate your time together even more. When he is home, you can be thankful for all those little moments that you have together. I know that since my husband joined the Army in 2005, I have been able to really appreciate all the little things when he is home.

 What would you add to this list? What do you miss the most during a deployment???