Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

Marriage During a Deployment

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Marriage During a Deployment

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary this past week. In those 14 years we have gone through 4 deployments and have spent a lot of time apart. More time than I ever thought we would or would have wanted for us. Our deployments were all different. The first, in 2006-2007 was about 15 months long. The second one was in 2008-2009 and was a year. Then in 2011 he was gone for 5 months. In 2013 he was gone for 6 months. These deployments have all been challenging in their own ways.

Marriage During a Deployment

Marriage during a Deployment can be one of the most difficult things you will go through as a couple. Deployments can make or break a marriage. Some say that marriages that break up after deployments were just not strong enough in the first place. There are a lot of factors that go into while a couple doesn’t make it. Hardships that couples go through can be a big factor. Deployments can be one of those hardships.

Going Through a Deployment is a Hardship

Knowing that the deployment is going to be a hardship on your marriage is important. That way you won’t be surprised when things get hard. You might not be able to talk to your spouse as often as you would like. You might feel like you never have time to be a couple while he is overseas. It might feel like this is how things will always be. This can be exhausting and it might feel too overwhelming to work on your marriage when they are gone. It is very important that you do celebrate your marriage during a deployment even when it is hard to do so.

Deployments Will Change You

Remember that a deployment will change you as well as your spouse. You will grow as a person. You will learn new skills. When they get home, it will take time to get to know each other again. You have been living apart, you have not had each other like you did before. It’s important that you work together to get through these changes and recognize them. I always get a little more independent when my husband is away. When he gets home it can be challenging to have someone else making decisions in the household too. I had been so used to making them all myself.

You Will Feel “Unmarried”

I always felt “unmarried” when my husband was gone for long periods of time. I didn’t feel married even though I knew I had a husband. I didn’t have someone to come home to each night and I slept alone. I was the only one taking care of the children. At the same time I never felt single. I didn’t feel like I was all alone and I knew that I had a spouse out there that loved me. Feeling “unmarried” is weird and it can be a frustrating way to feel. You might get jealous when you see other couples. You might get angry that your spouse has to be away from you and others don’t have to go through that.

You Will Worry About After They Come Home

As the deployment moves along you will start to get more and more excited about the homecoming. At the same time you might start to worry about what life will be like after they come home. You might have worries about PTSD, you know some service members struggle with it. You might worry about how things are going to be after so much time apart. You may have been pregnant when they left and now you have a baby and worry that it will be hard for your husband to adjust to parenthood since you did it months before.

Marriage during a deployment looks weird. You might feel like your husband lives in your phone or that you are alone in the world, at least temporarily. Remember everything the two of you have been through. Remember when you fell in love and all the memories you have had. Try to be patient with them as well as the way the military is. Try to remember that they might not be the same person they were when they come home and that after the homecoming, life can still be stressful as you get used to each other again.

Leave me a comment and let me know if you have been through a deployment before or if you are going through one right now.

 

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year

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I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.

However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.

Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.

He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.

The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.

This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?

How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?

1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.

You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.

2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.

In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.

3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.

However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.

Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.

4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.

If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.

Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.

Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

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Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving during a deployment is the ideal. Being in survival mode, especially for months at a time is not. The truth is, for my deployments, survival mode has been the norm. Just being able to get through the day, doing what I needed to do for the kids and my home had to be enough. There wasn’t too much thriving going on, at least it didn’t feel like there was.

I would wake up each morning and make sure my day was full.  By the time the kids went to bed, I would feel like I accomplished something important, another day down.  Another day to cross off the calendar.  I made sure my kids were healthy, fed and the house was relatively clean. I didn’t worry too much about doing more than that. Sure, I wanted to make their days fun but some days we needed to stay home. Not every day during a deployment was going to be as successful as I wanted the day to be. Not every day was going to be so filled with exciting adventures that I would forget about the deployment.

Too much for one day

I remember one day during our third deployment. I was back on post for the second time that day, running around doing something. I was so tired and I knew we would have to be back again at 5:30 for T-ball practice. I lost it in the car. I just couldn’t do it. I just started crying because I felt like what I was dealing with was too much. I needed to come home and just chill. We skipped practice that day. Doing so made for a better night and a much less stressed out mommy.

 

Some Sundays we didn’t go to church. Some nights we had cereal for dinner. That was the reality for me. I can’t do it all when I am the only one doing it. 

There is the idea that as Military spouses we are strong and can get through anything without any tears. In reality, tears come. They might happen behind closed doors, in the car or in the shower but we shed them. We are only human and we can only take so much at a time.

There are things you can do to help you thrive.

You can spend time with friends. Work on a project. Figure out something to keep yourself busy that can also help your soul. You can start writing in a journal, attend a bible study or join a workout group. You can make silly videos with your kids or learn about all the new hiking trails in your city.

If you feel like you are only in survival mode during a deployment, that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know that this time will pass and the thriving will come later. The thriving will be when you feel that you are a stronger person because of that deployment. When you look back during the months your husband was away and know that you were able to keep your house together and help your children. The thriving will come when you sit down with a younger military spouse years later and help her get through her own deployment.

Surviving deployments

So as you start your deployment and make your way to the finish line, remember. You don’t have to have things all together. You can be in survival mode. Because sometimes, that is what you have to do to get through the deployment. Take each day as it comes. Work on yourself and your family. And remember, time will past, deployments will end and your life will change again and you won’t always be doing it alone.

Do you struggle with thriving during a deployment?  Do you feel like you are in survival mode more often than not?

 

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

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The number one tip you are going to get to survive a deployment is to stay busy. That you need to stay busy during a deployment to make it through. To fill up your calendar. To have something going every day. This is true. The busier you are, the faster time will go and the sooner the deployment will be over. When you don’t have anything to do, time drags.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do each day to stay busy during a deployment, especially if you are new to the area and haven’t met a lot of people yet.

Here are 22  fun ideas on how to stay busy during a deployment. Things you can do to keep busy and help your deployment go by a little bit faster. Take these as a starting off point and create your own list of ideas to help you stay busy during a deployment.

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

  • Join a club- Whatever you’re into, join a club about it. Love to read? Join a book club. Love to hike? Joining a hiking club. Can’t find a club for what you want? Start one. Finding something you love to do is the best way to get through a deployment. You also have a big chance of making some friends while you do.
  • Start a sport- Sports can be a great way to pass the time. You could sign up for a local team such as indoor soccer or volleyball. They might just meet once a week but that is okay. You can have fun at the practices, at the games and get to know the other people on your team.
  • Playgroups- Playgroups are such a great way to spend your time when you have little kids. You take them, they go off and play and you can hopefully talk with other moms. Even if you don’t meet anyone the first few times, if your child is having fun, keep taking them. Eventually you will start talking with the other moms and hopefully, make friends. You can also go to playgroups around nap time, which makes the day go by a lot faster.
  • Regular dinners- Having regular dinners with friends is also a great idea. Get a group together and take turns meeting at each other’s houses or even a park. You can have your kids eat before you go and then let them play while you eat your dinner with your friends. This can help with the nighttime routine and will help with the loneliness around that time of day.
  • Regular coffee meetups– Another way to get together with friends is plan a weekly coffee date. Mondays work well because it is the day after the weekend and sometimes the weekends are the most difficult part of a deployment.
  • Walks- Going for a walk is such a great idea. Not only will it help you pass the time but it can get you out of a funk. It is also good for your health and can allow you to reach the weight loss goals you made for yourself during the deployment. You can walk with a friend, listen to music, listen to podcasts and audiobooks. You can also stick your children in the stroller if they are young enough and take them with you.
  • Start a new hobby- Deployments are the perfect time to start a new hobby. Think about what you have been wanting to learn. You can take a class or do it on your own. Finding a new hobby is something you can enjoy for years to come, not just during the deployment.
  • Go back to an old hobby- Is there something you used to do that you haven’t done for a while? A deployment is a great time to get back into your old hobbies. Especially if you still have supplies or equipment in your home.
  • Photography- Taking photos can be a great way to destress and to get to know your area. Go on photo walks and remember to bring a camera or even your phone out with you to take photos. Learn how to be a better photographer. Take a photography class. You will be glad that you did.
  • Travel- Deployments can be the perfect time to travel. The idea of going places without your spouse can be scary or you can feel badly that he or she is missing out. This is something to think about. You don’t have to take a once in a lifetime trip. Save that for when they are home but take some time to plan at least one trip. You can go visit a friend, family or just go sightseeing
  • Write a book- Have you always wanted to write a book? Now is your chance. Spend the extra time that you have on starting that book. You might not finish the book during the deployment but you can get started and that is a good thing.
  • Start a blog- When your spouse is away it might be the right time to start a blog. Even if you are just writing down your thoughts about what you are currently going through. You don’t even have to show the blog to anyone or you can have a private blog for a select audience.
  • Organize your home- When you are the only adult in your home, getting organized can be a little easier. You can go through your home and declutter, work on home projects and change things around. Deployments are a great time to do this type of thing.
  • Paint your house- Want to change the color of your bedroom? Meaning to paint the kitchen and it just hasn’t happened yet? When your spouse is away, make plans to paint. Make sure to run any color choices by them if you think they would care about the colors. Then buy your supplies and make a plan to paint. You can even invite friends to come over and help you.
  • Look for a new house- If you are planning to move after the deployment, you could start your home search early. You can look online, research schools and neighborhoods or even go look at homes with a real estate agent. There is a lot you can do to prepare for your future move.
  • Find a job- If you feel you have too much time on your hands or you want to further your career, go find a job. It might take time to find one and then once you do, you will be able to stay busy. You will also be adding to your own career which is always a good thing.
  • Go back to school- Deployments are a great time to go back to school. Whether you do so online or in person, find a program and apply. It will be easier to study when they are gone.
  • Take one class- If you don’t want to go back to school full time you can take a class or two. You could take one on a skill you have been wanting to learn or you can take a class toward a degree you would like to eventually to get.
  • Volunteer- Working as a volunteer can be a great way to spend the deployment. Whether you do so at your child’s school or for the FRG. Find a way to give back. This is also a great way to make friends.
  • Visit Family- If you get along with your family, plan a trip to go see them. Stay a few days, a week or even a month. Whatever works for you and your situation. 
  • Exercise- Working out and exercising can be a great thing to get into when he is away. You can work on losing weight or just becoming a healthier person. Join a gym or a working group or get together with friends to do a workout video together. 
  • Read more books- Books are the best and can be a great way to pass the time. Make a list of books you want to read while they are gone and get started on them the day they leave. Need some suggestions? 

How do you stay busy during a deployment? What would you add to this list?

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

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The Father Who Has Missed So Much

“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.

“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”

This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.

He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.

My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.

We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.

13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.

One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.

He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.

When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.

You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.

This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.

That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.

These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.

Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.

My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.

15 Years of War by Kristine Schellhaas

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15 years of war

I just finished the book, 15 Years of War: How the Longest War in U.S. History Affected a Military Family in Love, Loss, and the Cost Of Service by Kristine Schellhaas.

This book wasn’t just good, it was truly amazing! The story of a couple going through the last 15 years of war. I think each military spouse has a story to tell about her time during deployments and dealing with military life in general. This is Kristine’s story and one that I am so glad she shared with the world.

Kristine and her husband Ross met in 1996. He is in the US Marine Corps. The couple married in 2002 and started their married lives in Southern California.

The book takes you through so much of their lives during the last 15 years. From Ross’ training to setting up in a new place and learning what it means to be a military spouse. From moving to San Diego to Georgia to Twenty-Nine Palms to Camp Pendleton to Virgina and back again.

Ross was deployed several times throughout the years and I am so thankful his stories were a part of the book. My husband was in Iraq and Afghanistan too and although they had different jobs and were in different branches and roles, hearing what he went through helped me understand more about what my own husband went through during those years.

The book brings us through Kristine’s pregnancies, the births of her children and the loss of her son. Something that is so hard for so many of us to understand. This book was so real. Kristine and Ross were able to share with us their thoughts and feelings about everything that happened to them.


One aspect of the book that I really enjoyed was that they included their emails to one another. Some of them were fun and had a joking tone, others were more serious. This is so much what it is like to have a deployed spouse. You pour out your heart in an email and then get frustrated that it was an email and not over dinner.

The book goes back and forth between Ross and Kristine giving us the perspective of both. Sometimes they would both talk about the same situation and the same event but from their own point of view.

This book is beyond amazing. For anyone who has been through deployments, you will relate to so much in this book. For anyone that has gone through extra difficult situations in military life, you will relate to this book. For the general public that are not associated with the military, you should read this book too. It will give you a picture of what it is like for military families in the last 15 years of war.

 

  • I was given a free copy of this book for review.