Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

getting through a deployment

For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

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For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

Getting used to a deployment can be pretty difficult and let’s face it, do you ever really get used to a deployment? Nah, not really, but something happens a few weeks or even months in. You get to a place where the deployment doesn’t feel as gut-wrenching. You might even feel that you have a handle on things.

You have a routine now. Wake up, make breakfast, get the kids to school, head to work, come home, make dinner, etc. You are now used to not having that extra person around the house. Sure, you still have bad deployment days, days when you are so sad and just want to cry into your pillow. But at the same time, you feel a bit stronger than you did when they first left. A little less heartbroken.

But then you hit a point, middle deployment. The time when they have been away for a while but you still have a ways to go. The time when you look at all you have gone through but still know you have such a long road until homecoming. You want to be stronger, you want to keep going but knowing you are not at the finish line can be hard to take.

What should you do? How can you keep going? How can you turn things around and get through the rest of the deployment?

Here are some ideas!

Work on a goal list

If you haven’t already started a deployment goal list, now is the time. What do you want to get done before the deployment is over? What projects do you think you can tackle over the next few months? What have you always wanted to do in life but never felt like there was time to do? A deployment goal list will allow you to focus, and get working on your goals, even those that will take longer than a deployment to complete.

Write more love letters

If you haven’t already, start writing your spouse love letters. Write more love letters than you used to. Pour out your heart to the man or woman you love. Buy new stationery, add fun stickers, look for silly or sexy rated cards.

There are quite a few fun ones out there. Make a plan to write once a week. Take photos to share. Send more care packages.

Throw a party

Throw a halfway party with some of the other spouses. Sometimes the FRG likes to do a 50 day or 100-day party. If not, throw one yourself.

Don’t like to cook? Make it a pot-luck. Is the weather nice? Have a picnic party. Do something to celebrate the time you have already gone through in this deployment.

During COVID, you could throw your party virtually! Plan a date for everyone to get on Zoom to celebrate. Get a drink and party in your PJs from your own home. And that might not be a bad idea for after COVID too.

Start a long book series

Being lost in a book is a great idea. Start a long book series and get to reading. This would be a great time to start Harry Potter if you haven’t yet or go ahead and read the books a second time. Some other ideas are The Southern Vampire Mysteries, the series True Blood was based on, or the Outlander series, my favorite.

Sign up for a new volunteer position

A lot of groups on posts are always looking for volunteers. You could also work in your child’s school, coach a sports team or look for places in your community that need a little help. If you have a lot of free time, pour yourself into something new. Doing so will make the days go by faster, helping others will be good for your soul and you might even make some new friends because of it.

Take a trip

If you can, go on a trip. That is one of the best ways to make it through that middle deployment period. If you don’t have kids, or even if you do, see if a friend wants to go with you. During our 2nd deployment, my friend and I planned a trip to Garmisch during the middle of the deployment. It was a lot of fun and we were able to get out and explore a bit even though our husbands were gone.

No matter how long your deployment is, you will probably hit this middle point and will feel like the deployment will last forever. Don’t worry, it won’t. You will get through these months and eventually you will be on your way to go pick up your spouse, with tears in your eyes and a smile on your face.

What has helped you get through this part of deployment?

Going Beyond OPSEC: Deployments in a Social Media World

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Social media can be great, but we need to be aware of something very important.

Going Beyond OPSEC: Deployments in a Social Media World

During our first deployment, we were all about Myspace. After spending time with friends, we would go home, put the kids to bed, upload our photos from the day and update our music list. 

These days, we are all about Facebook, Instagram, and even TikTok. 

Social media can be good for connecting with local friends, finding out information about FRG events, and sharing photos with our friends and family back home. We also can connect with our spouses on there through messenger or just respond to their statuses. I could always tell when my husband was really missing us back home because he would share a lot of our photos on his friend list.

Social media can be great, but we need to be aware of something very important.

There are certain topics we should not be posting about. Certain topics we need to wait on posting. We need to educate ourselves so that we are not breaking any OPSEC rules or getting anyone in trouble.

This not only refers to a “public” Facebook post but any Facebook post. Whether you are just sharing the info with your closest friends or in a Facebook group. We need to be aware of what is allowed and what isn’t.

When you first become a military spouse you might not know what is okay and what isn’t. You might get confused because you see certain things in the news or being posted by others and you are not sure why they can post those things and you can’t. You might get lost in all the details and can’t totally remember what is okay and what isn’t.

Never Exact Dates and Locations

The main thing to keep in mind is never ever post exact dates or exact locations. Never say when your spouse is supposed to come home. Never say where they are and it might even be a good idea to just stick with the general, “they are overseas” or “they are deployed.”

Some even say things like, “the place they go for a while” or “away on “business.” Some military spouses keep the whole deployment off social media altogether. You don’t have to do that but you do have to be smart about how you talk about the deployment.

Talking About Injuries or KIA

If someone in your spouse’s Company or Unit is KIA or injured you might be notified about it directly. If not, eventually, the news will make its way down the grapevine and you will hear what happened. DO NOT POST THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. At least not right away. There could be family members that have not heard the news.

There was a spouse who ended up hearing about her husband on social media because people posted about it. Can you even imagine? While the military will notify the family members ASAP, sometimes other people hear the news before they do and if you happen to hear too and share that news, doing so could end up ruining someone else’s life. The best rule of thumb is to wait until you hear from the family on social media or hear it being announced more publically.

Never What They Are Doing

I am a military spouse who doesn’t need to know the exact thing that her husband is doing when he is deployed or even away on training. I always have a general idea of what he does but I don’t need it broken down until after he gets home. If you do find out about what your spouse is doing, never share that on Facebook or other social media.

If that news gets out, it could ruin the mission. You never know who is watching, you never know who could take that information and use it against the US military. Keep that information to yourself. You should also never post about when your spouse is going to be moving to another base. This happens a lot and is pretty normal for a deployment so try not to get anxious about it either.

If You Are Not Sure

If you are not sure if what you want to post falls under OPSEC or PERSEC or is perfectly fine to post, feel free to ask someone who has been a military spouse for a while or simply not say that info publically. I know how excited we can get when our spouses are coming home or when we know when that day is going to be but we can’t share that information on social media.

A good rule is to only post things after the fact. Keep that information to yourself and then go nuts telling your Facebook friends all about your homecoming after your spouse is back home with you. That way you are not endangering the mission, causing a delay on homecoming, or leaking out information you shouldn’t be sharing with anyone. 

Do you ever get confused about OPSEC?

Yes, Deploying Without a Cell Phone is Going to be Hard

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Yes, Deploying Without a Cell Phone is Going to be Hard

The word is that those deploying to the middle east will not be able to bring their laptops or cell phones, at least in some cases. As you can imagine, this has caused quite a lot of drama. The comment section is filled with so many different thoughts on the subject.

Some people talk about how they never went through a deployment with a cell phone and they were just fine.

Others say the same thing with much harsher tones, “Get over it!'”

Some talk about how when they went through a deployment it was before the time of email and even regular communication of any kind.

I am also reminded of my Grandparents who only had letters, no R&R, and no clue when my Grandpa would be home from serving in World War II.

For myself, my own husband has never deployed with a cell phone. Laptop yes, but no cell phone. And for two of our deployments, the only way he could call me was on my home phone, the one attached to my apartment. If I went anywhere, I could come home to a message from him saying I missed his call.

These days, deployments are different. It is a lot easier to communicate and cell phones are very normal.

For some spouses, they have only ever known a life with cell phones.

I remember the first time I ever saw anything close to a cell phone. I was about 16 years old and my friend had borrowed her mom’s car phone. It was HUGE and sat right in the center console of the car.

I got my first cell phone when I was 21 and my first Smart Phone when I was in my 30s. My oldest was only 6 at the time, my youngest a baby. All my kids know is a life with cell phones.

As I read these articles and then the comments, my first reaction wants to be, “Well we did it without cell phones, you can too.”

But…

Then I think about the times others have said that about video chats or email. For some, those things are a luxury they never had, even being able to talk more than once a week is a luxury.

War changes. Deployment changes. Technology changes.

When the school called my mom in the 1980s, they would get an answering machine, not my mom on her cell phone.

Today, if the school calls, 99.9% of the time I will pick up right away on my cell phone.

Life is different and life has changed. We can talk to almost anyone we want instantly. We can text all day long. We don’t have to worry about missing a call. We are always connected.

We could debate about if that is healthy or not all day long but that is how things are in today’s world.

For some of the younger military spouses, and really some of us older ones too, talking to our spouse on a cell phone is the norm. And to face a deployment without one is a HUGE change.

Yes, people did deploy without them, and they got through it. Yes, people did deploy without email and they got through it. Yes, people did deploy without all the modern conveniences that we have gotten used to, and they got through it.

But…I think we can give some grace to a spouse that is worried because their husband or wife is going to be without one for a while.

Deployments can cause worry. Will my loved one be okay? How are they handling the transition? What do they need?

Having a cell phone on a deployment can help ease this worry a little bit. Especially if that is normally how you connect with the people you love. You can check in with each other more easily. You can connect more easily. Going without that is going to be difficult.

But talking down to people about it? Being harsh in your responses? Giving them attitude? Let’s stop doing that…please!

There is always a kind way to say something, even if it isn’t an easy thing to say. You never have to be nasty about it. That doesn’t help and just creates a divide.

The truth is, military spouses need seasoned spouses to help them through this. This could be the first time they are ever experiencing a deployment. There is a lot of fear there and a lot of worries. They don’t know what to expect and they might not even know that some of their feelings about all of this are normal.

So military spouse community, let’s do better when it comes to this. Let’s try to understand how hard this might be for some spouses. Let’s work together to help them through.

The best thing we have is our military spouse community, a group of other spouses who get it, a group that can help one another through.

And to the spouses who are having trouble with the idea of their spouse deploying without a cell phone, know that you can get through this challenge. It adds another layer to this deployment, probably one you aren’t expecting but there is a lot of support out there for you. Know, you are not going to have to go through this alone.

Just for fun, how old were you when you got your first cell phone???

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

I Could Never Do It

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“I could never do it.”

“I couldn’t be a military spouse…”

“There is no way I could handle my husband being away from me”

I Could Never Do It

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time you have probably heard people say that to you before. It just seems to be the thing to say. I am sure it is not because people want to insult us or make us feel bad.

I am sure saying this is just an honest response to hearing about our lifestyle but it still bothers us. This phrase makes it sounds as if we are more okay with our spouses being away than other people would be. That we are more okay with going months and months without our spouse by our side. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Before my husband joined the Army, I couldn’t do it either.

I said I could never handle him being away or having to parent my son alone. I just couldn’t imagine a world where that would be our reality. Then a few months passed and we decided he was going to re-join the Army.

I had to start being a solo parent right away. Even though I didn’t think I had the strength to do so.

I said that I couldn’t do it when there were rumors that our deployment would be 15 months. I didn’t think I could get through that. But I did.

When I thought about giving birth without him, I didn’t think I could do that either but I did.

When I got married, I did not see deployments in the future as I walked down the aisle.

Even women who married someone already in the military could not have imaged how hard military life would really be. The military is not something you can plan out ahead of time. The military life is a journey with all kinds of twists and turns. Sometimes you will come up against a struggle you don’t think you can get through. But you do.

At the end of the day, we love our spouses. We know what their job is and we stand by them. Even if it hurts, which is does. Even if we sometimes think we can’t be strong anymore.

We push through the hardships because we know that the man or woman we see in uniform waiting to hug and kiss us after the deployment is worth all the waiting. We know that if our spouse thinks that they should be serving in the military, that we will stand beside them.

Know that sometimes us military spouses can’t do it either. That we are not always so strong and that we sometimes need a little more support.

So when you see a military spouse, try not to tell her that you could never do it. Because I bet if there was a time in your life when you and your spouse had to be apart, you would be able to somehow do it too.

Know that military spouses are not strong because we are a special type of person, but that this life has made us that way.

Know that we want our spouse home every night just like you do. That we hate that they have to miss so much. That some days are harder than others and that we know that someday we won’t have to be apart anymore.

Instead of saying you could never do what a military spouse does, tell your military spouse friends that they are capable of making it through. Tell them that if they need to break down sometimes, that is okay and that you are there to listen whenever they need to talk. Be their friend, give them hugs and know that life brings each of us challenges and that this one is one of theirs.

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

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A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

The time has come and your spouse has left for a deployment. You’re feeling a little out of sorts. You haven’t fully accepted that he is actually gone and now you have three, six or nine months ahead of you. Months of a deployment where you will not see your husband. Where you will be both mom and dad for your kids and where you know the loneliness will set in. How will you get through a deployment?

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

In order to get through this season, you are going to need to have a deployment toolkit. In the kit, you will keep the things that will help you while he is gone. Everyone’s toolkit is going to look a bit different but here are some ideas to help you get ready to conquer your upcoming deployment.

Good Friends

Having someone you can depend on during a deployment is so important. This can be hard to find sometimes because you might have just moved to your duty station right before the deployment or your best friend might have just moved away right before it starts.

The key is finding places to go, to take yourself and your kids where you can meet other people. Think about groups or clubs that you would enjoy and go to them. Be friendly and let people know you are new or would like to set up a playdate. This is hard I know, especially if you are on the shy side but it can be worth doing in order to find a good friend to go through a deployment with.

Patience

I don’t have a lot of patience, especially during a deployment. But I need to have it if I don’t want to drive myself nuts. I need to have patience with the timetables, with the changing dates, with my kids and even my house. Sometimes even my dog. This is hard but I know I need to step back, take a deep breath and work on my patience.

Good Food and Drink

For some people, this is a good cup of coffee. I never really felt I needed coffee every day until our first deployment, then it was a must. Other people prefer tea or Dr. Pepper or a nice glass of wine. Just have something in your house that can make you feel good on a bad day.

You can apply this to food too. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream is a good way to end a stressful day. Be careful, though. Stress eating is a thing and the deployment might be a good time to break that habit. Make a nice salad or try a new food you didn’t think you would like.

Books and Other Hobbies

Reading books, watching movies, tv, going on walks, working on your hobbies, etc, all of these will help you through a deployment. Focusing on your hobbies will help keep you busy. You can also work on your career, work on going to school or do something to better yourself.

The best thing to do is make a list of all the things you want to do while your spouse is gone. You won’t finish that list but it will give you tons of ideas and allow you to fill up your time. A good book can take you out of a funk and get you interested in something else besides just missing your spouse. I love to read to help me through a stressful period of time.

The Ability to Laugh

You really have to be able to laugh at military life. It’s not that things are funny, it’s that if you take everything too seriously, life is just going to get too hard. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the situation. See that thing will get better in the long run. Don’t be afraid to have fun while he is gone and make a life for yourself.

A Journal

Writing in a journal can help you get your feelings and thoughts out. If you haven’t ever written in one before, a deployment is a good place to start. Some couples like to keep one together. One will write in it for a week and then send it to the other and back again. This is a great way to connect during a deployment. Looking back at your old journals and reading about old struggles can help you get through your current ones.

A Haven

You need a safe place where you can go when you just need a moment. This can be your home, a room in your home, even a corner. I like to turn my bedroom into this place. I want the area comfortable with soft lighting. I want it to be a place I can retreat when I just can’t take it anymore. A place to relax, cry and figure out how to get out of my funk.

Deployments are going to stress you out which is why you need the right tools to help you through one.

What is in your deployment toolbox? How do you get through a deployment?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Should You Live On Post During A Deployment?

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20110129-IMG_9646-2One question a lot of people have is if it is better to live on post during a deployment or not. Most Military families know that a deployment or even a time of separation is in their future. They have to ask themselves what would be best.

I think that question is a hard one to answer. For some, on post living is best. For others, it is a different story.

Here are a few things to think about when it comes to living on or off post during a deployment-

  • When you live on post, you have better access to what the post offers. This really depends on what your own duty station offers and what the city you would be living in offers. For us here at Ft. Campbell, there is a lot to do on post. Since we live off and I didn’t want to drive to post everyday, it was not as easy as it is for those that live there. We don’t do as much just because it is harder to put in the schedule. During a deployment you should be able to received some free or low-cost items for your kids. Here we only have to pay $2/hour for hourly care and each child gets money towards SKIES programs. Being on post can help you take advantage of these benefits a little easier.
  • Where do the majority of your friends live? For our first two deployments we were either on post or in Government leased housing. We were surrounded by Military which meant that a lot of my friends lived right by me and they too were going through deployments. We were all dealing with it together. This made it a lot easier to get together and we could see each other almost daily without too much trouble. We could make last-minute plans and it wasn’t a huge deal. For our 3rd and 4th deployments we lived off post away from others who were going through deployments. I could tell the difference. On the flip side if you have some really amazing neighbors, they might be able to really help you out when your spouse is gone. It just depends on where you live and who you live by.
  • It might be best for your to live off post during a deployment if you like your own space.  If your spouse is deployed, you might not even need to go on post very often. Some people need that break from the daily Military life. If you own your own home you might enjoy working on your house while your spouse is gone. You have a lot more freedom then you do on post. If your servicemember is planning to ETS right after the deployment, you might even decide to take the kids and move to where you plan to live after the Military.

I know for myself that if I was going to have to do it over again, I would most likely want to be on post for a deployment. I think it makes it a little easier for everyone. I would have better access to the activities and people that would help be get through the deployment.

What do you think based on your own experiences?

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Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

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Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?

I was looking through some of the keywords that people use to come to this blog and “Can I Really Make it Through This Deployment?” came up a few times.  I want to tell these people that although it does seem hard, you can make it through.  The time before they leave can be really difficult.  You wonder what it will be like, if you can do this time alone, if you can parent alone if you can handle him being in a war zone, etc.  It is hard to know exactly what to expect, even if you have gone through one before.

You never really know how you are going to feel or what the deployment will be like.

Each one is a little different.

There have been times during all of our deployments that I just wondered how I would make it one more day.  I felt burned out and just done with everything. But somehow I was able to pick myself back up and get on with it.  Sometimes it was because of a lot of prayers, other times it was getting together with a friend and sometimes I would even have to give myself a pep talk.  A lot of tears might have been shed but that is how I got through the deployment.

I think we try to be strong and don’t think we can ever cry about what is going on.  We even hear people say we shouldn’t complain.  But some days you just have to break down. You just have to let everything all out before you can move on to the next day.  It is ok to have a bad deployment day, to have ice cream for dinner, to cry to a friend. This is all a part of getting through the months or even years alone. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Each of us handle this type of things differently and just because a friend never seems to have a bad day, it doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t.

So to those of you afraid for your first deployment and think you won’t be able to make it through, if you love your husband, if you are committed to him, then you will.  You will be able to make it through.  You will get through the X amount of months and come out stronger on the other side. You will. Sometimes it might feel like you are just getting through one day at a time. The days can feel long and frustrating. That is all apart of your journey. Try to remember that deployments don’t last forever and you will be reunited with your spouse once again and the whole crazy thing will be over. You will get to homecoming, I promise. You will be back in his arms and the deployment will be a part of your memories, for good or for bad.

What advice would you give to someone facing their first deployment?

 

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Advice For Your First Deployment

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Advice For Your First Deployment

Advice For Your First Deployment

My next guest post is by a friend of mine, Jess.  She was the very first Army wife I met when we started this Army adventure. She was also my FRG leader.  I asked her to write about advice she would give someone who was getting ready for their first deployment.  Our first deployment was in 2006 and Jess was there to tell me a little bit of what to expect so I just knew this would be a great post!  Thank you Jess 🙂

Stressed? Emotional? Perhaps even a bit stand-offish? Sounds like you’ve got a deployment coming up. The bad news is your Soldier is leaving. The good news is you aren’t alone!

There is no specific way to handle a deployment, especially your first deployment. Some people take it all in stride and seem to brush off the hardship. Others seem to physically break down the second their Soldier marches away. Still others seem to change entirely and don’t seem to return to normal until their Soldier is back in their arms again. No matter which category you find yourself falling into, remember this: You are STRONG. You are CAPABLE. You CAN do this!

Just as parenting a child has no actual guidebook, deployments don’t come with magic spouse field manuals. However, let’s not speak that phrase too loudly. I’ve seen some pretty crazy things put into FM’s before. The greatest way to make it through the hardships of a deployment are to simply listen to your heart, listen to other’s advice and pray. If you feel overwhelmed, talk to someone! Believe me, there are a lot of us out there who are willing to listen and lend a hand (or a shoulder) when necessary. Don’t be afraid to ask.

One of the greatest things you can do for yourself is to set personal goals.. You don’t have to get crazy with it; the point of a goal is to be able to accomplish it. Set mini-milestones throughout to ensure you stay focused and on-target. A big favorite that I’ve seen is weight-loss/healthier lifestyles. Say you set a goal to lose 25 pounds throughout the year. Remember to start off in small increments, and celebrate each 5 pounds you are able to lose. This is a great way to have something realistic to look forward to in a relatively short time! The greatest part is-IT’S ALL YOURS! It’s very easy to lose yourself in the constant stress during a deployment. Don’t forget that your Soldier still needs you just as much as you need him/her. Take care of yourself, even while supporting your deployed loved one.

If I could offer just one last bit of advice, it would be to stay busy and not forget that the world is still going round. It’s very common to feel bad about going out and having fun while your loved one is away, but remember, you need your personal time as well. It’s ok to go catch a movie with the girls, or secure a babysitter for a few hours of pampering at the salon every now and again. You are HouseHold 6. You keep the home fires burning. You can’t take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. Make yourself a priority, especially while your loved one is away. Don’t lose yourself to the chaos and stress, and always reach out if you need help. You follow a long legacy of the Silent Ranks. You can do this!

 

 

Getting Through A Deployment

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Getting Through A Deployment

Getting Through A Deployment

I have gotten a few emails recently about how to get through a deployment.  So I figured I would do a blog post about it.

When I finally know when my husband is going to deploy, I start making some plans on how to deal with what is going to happen and get through it.  I make lists.  Lists of things I can do for fun.  Lists of things I want to accomplish.  Lists of places I want to go. The lists never seem to end but they are helpful in keeping focused on getting through a deployment.

When he leaves, I get right to my lists!  The first day after you drop them off is so very hard.  The first week is very difficult.  I find myself walking around the housing remembering that last week at that time he was here doing things with us.  I find it hard to do the laundry and wash the rest of his dirty clothes he left behind.  I suddenly lost the other adult in my house.  It can be pretty painful.  But by about the month point I feel like I am going to make it.  I do have horrible, bad and sad days in between but I feel like I can get into a good routine and make it all work.

Getting Through A Deployment

What are some of the things I do to stay busy during a deployment?

I scrapbook

I take pictures

I do picture projects

I plan to read a certain amount of books

I plan to visit family (which will be easier being in the US now)

I find out what is going on in the community and fill up my calendar

I make plans with other Army spouses

I make sure my kids are having fun and taken care of

I fill my calendar up to stay busy

My main goal in getting through a deployment is to stay busy but not to the point where I burn myself out. This can be a hard balance to figure out and give yourself some grace to not get it quite right. It is something that is hard for so many of us but we have to just get up in the morning and try our best. It is all we can really do when dealing with a deployment.

I also try to live my life.  It can be sad to do things without him but I can’t put my life on hold for a year at a time, especially since we seem to be in this every other year deployment cycle.  I hate thinking about everything he will have to miss when he is gone. There will be way too many pages in the scrapbook where he is missing but I can’t just sit in the corner during the deployment. I have to try and make it through the months apart. The best way that I can.

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What would your advice be for getting through a deployment?

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