Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

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Have you ever planned a vacation only to have to cancel or reschedule it because military dates changed?

Have you ever given birth when your husband was deployed because they simply wouldn’t send him home like you thought they might?

Have you ever wanted to be stationed close to home only for your spouse to get orders clear across the country?

Most military spouses have been through one or all of these disappointments not to mention others that can happen when you are a military spouse. Dates change, your spouse can’t always be around when you need them, and you don’t always get a choice in where you are going to live.

What can you do when disappointment hits? How can you turn things around to get to a better place? 

Shock

When met with disappointing news, you will probably be in shock. They say to “hope for the best, plan for the worst” and we know things might not work out the way we want them to, but we still hope that they do. And then when they don’t? We can’t believe we are hearing that news.

If you feel shocked when you realize things are not going to be the way you want them to be, you are not alone. It’s normal to feel this way at first. You had the hope of a better outcome, and now you have to start to accept your new reality, and that isn’t always easy to do.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Sadness

After shock comes the sadness. You are going to have to move to Alaska even though your family lives in FL. Your husband is going to deploy right before your 30th birthday. Your family trip to Walt Disney World will have to be postponed by six months.

You might need to take a moment to cry into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad about this; you are allowed to have those emotions. Let things out, call a friend and vent, have a good cry, and then move on to planning.

Planning

Every time I get some disappointing news because of my husband’s job, I eventually find myself coming up with a plan. I know that I will need to be creative to move forward. I will need to figure out a way to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.

If it is a matter of an unexpected deployment, I try to figure out what I can do during that deployment to stay as busy as I can, I think about how the deployment pay can help us, and I think about extra things I can do that I might not have time for if he wasn’t going to be deployed.

Being able to have a plan to deal with the disappointment will go a very long way in finding relief.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Relief

Relief happens when you get to a place where you feel like you can figure out a way forward. It might not always be easy, you might not always be happy about what happened, but you can figure out how to get through it.

If you assumed your husband would be at the birth of your first child and they are not, you are going to go through a wave of emotions about it. You will eventually figure out who you want with you because he can’t be. And then you will start to accept that this has to be your new normal. And with that comes the relief that you can, in fact, give birth without your husband. 

You Got This

Remember, you got this. Reach out to your friends, make plans, and figure out how to deal with disappointment in your military life.

Disappointments will happen in military life. They say to write all plans in pencil because all plans can change, no matter how close you are to the date they are supposed to happen. We as military spouse want to support our service members and getting to a place where we can move forward is a good way to do so.

What do you do to get over disappointment during military life?

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

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I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?

 My Friends and I For Military Children

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 My Friends and I For Military Children
I receive a free copy of this book for review!
This post contains affiliate links!

A Book for Military Children

Last year, friend of the military Birgit Sund published her book, “My Friends and I” and I think it is perfect for military children. The book is considered a “friendship book” and is modeled after the popular German book, “Freundebuch.”

 My Friends and I For Military Children

Within the book, your child will find a bunch of pages that they can have their friends fill out. Each page has questions such as where they live, what pets they have, and what their favorites are. There is also a place for a photo. This book would make the perfect memory book for your child as you or their friends move around during military life.

From Amazon,

“My Friends and I is a one-of-a-kind, fun, interactive, timeless memory book for children ages 5-12, that travels from friend to friend, who will answer questions like: What is your favorite food? What do you like to do in your free time? What songs do you like to listen to? What books do you like to read? What do you want to be when you grow up? A picture box allows them to insert a photograph of themselves or to draw a picture of their own. The book has room for 40 family members, friends, classmates, teachers, coaches, or any other person in the little book owner’s life.”

 My Friends and I For Military Children

And the illustrations are so cute too!

Where can you buy My Friends and I?

Visit the website, use the code: JULIE, and receive 20% off or you can purchase from Amazon!

When They Are Gone For Thanksgiving

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When They Are Gone For Thanksgiving

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, the holiday changes. What you did before, you might not be able to do this year. Some traditions will have to be postponed.

You make plans with a few other spouses from your FRG. One has volunteered to make the turkey, the other stuffing and dessert. You will bring mashed potatoes and rolls. A few other friends will bring the rest.

You already know the kids will want to play together and are thankful for a big playroom. Kids will have fun and you will too. Having fun together with friends is the best thing to do when your spouse is deployed, especially during the holidays.

You thought about going home for Thanksgiving but the idea of flying across the country, with three young kids, over Thanksgiving weekend was a little too much. You will miss your family but know what is best for you and your kids. Maybe next year will be different.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, part of you wants to skip the whole thing.

You think about not even bothering, what’s the point? But then you remember that skipping holidays isn’t something your spouse would want. That they would want you to have a good day, even if they were not there to celebrate with you.

And now that your plans are set for a Friendsgiving, you are feeling pretty good about the day. You made plans and should enjoy your friends, their kids, and all the yummy food.

You are thankful you don’t have to go through all of this alone. You have your military community to get through you. Other spouses understand what a deployment is like, and how to make it through.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you think about how they will spend their day overseas.

You hope they get a good meal. You hope they feel loved. You hope the turkey isn’t dry and the pumpkin pie is as good as the one you usually make each year.

They got your Thanksgiving care package the week before. Some of their favorite candies, a cake in a jar, and a few turkey crafts your kids made for them. You know getting that box made him smile.

You hope for a phone call on turkey day, but know that might not happen. Sometimes communication isn’t the best but you have learned to accept that. However, hearing their voice on a holiday would be a nice treat.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you have to decide what traditions you will still do and which ones you will skip.

You want to put the Christmas tree up but that is hard to think about since they usually help you with decorating. You know your kids will want to decorate and that will motivate you to make it happen.

The lights on the tree will be healing and the stockings on the fireplace will make you smile. The joy of the season will help on the more difficult deployment days. You hope the magic of the holidays will flow and help all of you during this time of year.

You plan to video everything. You will take more photos than you normally do. You don’t want them to miss anything.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you can start to get a bit jealous of those who have their spouse by their side.

While this can be normal, remember that next year that could be you. With this military life, some years they will be missing holidays and some years they will be home with us. Remembering that can be helpful if you are struggling during this time of year.

And most likely, next Thanksgiving won’t be the next holiday they will be home for. Look ahead and think about the new year and everything it will bring. You could be missing them now, but time will go on and soon it will be time for homecoming and your time apart will come to an end.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Deployments are rough, and your emotions can be all over the place. Figure out what works for you and your family and make the best of your time apart.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you can still enjoy the holiday.

There is so much to be thankful for, and so many blessings. Try to remember what you have, and try to give back when you can. There are so many ways to give.

This Thanksgiving you can volunteer in your local community. You can plan to take part in Giving Tuesday which is coming up the first week of December. You can spend time with your community, making memories and getting through the hard stuff together.

Thanksgiving is the beginning of the holiday season. Going through this with a deployed husband or deployed wife isn’t going to be easy. But, you can still enjoy the holidays, find ways to make memories, and come out stronger on the other side.

How will you be spending Thanksgiving this year?

When You Are Stationed Overseas for the Holidays

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I love her books but haven’t read this one yet.

Christmas 2008, my friend and I took our kids out to the local Christmas Market. We lived in a small village and even they had a small Christmas market. I love Germany during the Christmas season. They go big. Every town square is decorated. Most towns and villages have their own Christmas markets and you can tell the whole country is ready to celebrate.

We spent 4 holiday seasons in Germany and each one was so magical. If you are lucky enough to be overseas for the holidays, take advantage of what is going on around you. Once you move back to the states you will no longer be surrounded by the culture. You want to take advantage of that experience.

What You Need to Do When You Are Overseas for the Holidays

So what should you do when you are overseas for the holidays? Here are some ideas!

Visit Local Events

Whether you visit the Christmas markets in Germany or the light displays in South Korea, be a part of the culture and embrace what the country does to celebrate. You will make fun memories and have a lot of good stories to tell people back home about your holiday experiences in another country. Sometimes your military installation will also have events based on where you live. See what is going on and what you can be a part of. Remember, people in the US pay a lot of money to visit these same places during this time of year. You are already there, embrace what your host country has to offer.

Adopt a New Tradition

Learn a new tradition that will work for your family that you can take back home with you. For example, St. Nicholas Day. This is celebrated on December 6 in Germany. Children leave out their shoes and St. Nicholas will come by during the night and fill them with goodies. You also will get a chance to meet St. Nicholas around German towns and villages. If you happen to be able to be stationed in more than one overseas location, you can turn your own family’s holiday season into a mix of traditions you have picked up from all the places you have lived.

Think Outside the Box

Sometimes you are going to have to think outside the box when you are overseas for the holidays. If your Christmas day has always included making a big turkey but your overseas apartment doesn’t have a big enough oven to cook one, think about what else you can do. Why not make a traditional holiday meal based on what the locals eat? Or, invite your neighbors over for a potluck asking them to bring their favorite dishes. If it seems weird to do the holidays differently, just think of the changes as a new experience and one you won’t be able to have later on down the road when you are back in the states.

Take Photos and Share

Take a lot of pictures of your holiday and what you did to celebrate while you are overseas. Family and friends back home would love to see what you did that was different from what they do back home. You could also make a special scrapbook about your holidays overseas. One that you can look back at years in the future or share with your children who might not have remembered those years.

Even if you do go home for Christmas, see what holidays traditions you can take part of before you leave. Embrace your tempory country and learn from the people who call the country home. Enjoy the holiday season and make new memories with your family and new friends.

What holiday traditions do you plan to adopt from the country you are currently living in?

When You Don’t Feel Strong Enough For Military Life

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I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe this deployment had started. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this again.

I certainly didn’t feel strong enough for this. I didn’t feel strong enough for the deployment. I didn’t feel strong enough for military life.

And yet, somehow, the days went by. Somehow I made it through that deployment. Somehow I was strong enough to do just that.

Through that deployment, and other past deployments, I realized something powerful.

Not feeling strong enough to get through something doesn’t mean I am not strong enough to do so.

Often times, us military spouses feel like if we are not 100% prepared for any possible situation, if we can’t get through everything military life brings with a smile on our face, if we can’t do a thing without a couple of meltdowns, we are not a good military spouse.

This isn’t true at all!

The truth is, you are not always going to feel as strong as you want to. I certainly don’t. Some days I might feel like I have military life down, and other days? Not so much.

So, if you are not feeling strong enough for military life, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes military life makes it hard to feel strong.

But what can you do about this? How can you find your inner strength? How can you get to a place where you feel like you can handle what military life is currently throwing at you?

Depend on your friends

I am not sure what I would have done over the years without my friends. They truly got me through, each and every deployment. From helping me stay busy, to being a shoulder to cry on. Depend on your friends, they can help you up when you are feeling down.

Don’t compare

This one is hard for me. When it feels like your husband is always the one who has to go, being happy for others can be more difficult. When it seems like your kids are the ones who have to go without their dad around, life can feel pretty unfair.

The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other spouses, both civilian and military. Some service members deploy more than others. Some civilian spouses will never have to spend more than a weekend away from their spouse. And that is so hard to take.

But we can’t compare and dwell on how unfair everything is. We have to pull ourselves out of that. And if we can do that, we will be able to get to a better place and we won’t struggle with jealousy quite as much.

This too shall pass

If you need to tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” 50 times a day, do it. Reminding yourself that this deployment is a temporary situation is going to go a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel like I was in stuck in a deployment funk, but simply reminding myself that the deployment was temporary helped me feel so much better.

When we are going through a difficult time, feeling like this is how life will always be is way too easy to do, but that isn’t the case. Look at how far you have come, and know you can be strong through the rest of the deployment too.

If you need extra help

If you are going through a deployment and you struggle with anxiety (which I do) or depression, please don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Your mental health is so important and working on that during a deployment is a must.

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

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Have you ever lived in an amazing place and still hated being there? Maybe it was Hawaii? Or Europe? Maybe it was a place you thought you would love but now that you have been there a few years, you really can’t find the love? Maybe you are trying to bloom where you are stationed but coming up short?

Hating your duty station is a thing, and some places get a worse wrap than others. On the other hand, I know plenty of people who have been stationed at places like Fort Polk, Fort Bliss, and 29 Palms and loved their time there. Yes, they did.

So why do some people hate a perfectly decent duty station and why do others love the more unpopular places? I have a theory on this. I know the secret to not hating your duty station. It is part of the reason why sometimes I love living near Fort Campbell and sometimes I don’t. It is why some people love Bliss, and others hate Germany.

The secret to loving your duty station is finding your people.

Sure, there are always exceptions to this. You grew up in Florida, you hate the snow, and now you are at Fort Drum. Your entire family lives on the East Coast, and you are in Alaska for three years. Your house sucks, and your husband has been deployed way too many times since you got to this duty station.

But even in those situations, finding your people will help you.

Having a friend group is going to change things around for you. Having people to connect with, hang out with, and to call friends is going to make you fall in love with almost any duty station, no matter how much you hate the weather.

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

Think about it.

You PCS somewhere new. You are not sure what to think. You never even thought you would live in that state let alone this part of the country. You feel lost, like you will never fit in.

You worry you won’t find your tribe. That you won’t find people, who get you. That you will have to do this by yourself, all by yourself.

But then, you meet another spouse who loves to read just like you do. And she has a two-year-old too. Maybe you don’t have any kids but you have three dogs, and you find out your neighbor has three of her own. You get invited to a playdate and realize that you may have found your people. You have figured it out. Things are looking up.

When you connect with others, when you have people to make plans with, when you do not have to walk this military road alone, something happens. You start to feel better, you start to feel like you belong, you realize that no matter how much you didn’t want to come to Fort Whatever You Now Live, you can start to call that place home.

The hardest part about finding your people is taking the steps to find them.

Because sometimes that can take a while. Sometimes the first people you meet are not going to be your people. Sometimes giving up and trying to be okay without friends is the easiest thing to do.

But…this is not the best plan.

You need to find people. You just do. Your spouse is going to deploy eventually. And if they don’t they will probably have to go somewhere at some point.

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

You will want people to text in the middle of the day, to hang with. People who share the same fears you do, and can help you through your struggles.

So if you hate your duty station, before you write the place off, have you found your people yet?

If not, choose to try to do that. Commit to get out there and meet new people. Keeping trying until you do, the struggle with be worth it.

If you have children, look for a local MOPS group. MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. You don’t just have to have a preschooler though. A typical MOPS group is for newly pregnant women through women whose youngest child is in Kindergarten. MOPS Next is for those whose youngest child is in the 8th grade. They have childcare for your kids, and you will be able to meet other moms to connect with.

If you are religious, check out the chapel for programs. There are Bible studies, book clubs and even events for kids.

If you like fitness, look for a local work out or running group or join a gym and take some classes.

If you like to read, look for a book club.

If you are new to your duty station, check out the newcomers class, you might meet some new people there.

If you have free time, check out the volunteer opportunities on post as well as in your civilian communities.

If you want to connect with military spouses in the FRG, go to a meeting, see what is going on there. You could end up with a great FRG that would be a fantastic resource for you.

If you have school-aged children, get involved in the PTO or PTA.

If you don’t have children, see if there is a child-free Facebook group at your duty station you can find people to connect with.

There are so many different ways to meet other people no matter where you live. Sometimes duty stations in the middle of nowhere make finding other people easier than in bigger places. You have to depend on each other more, and the community is a closer-knit one.

While meeting new people, you might run into drama and frustrating situations that will make you want to stick to your own home, but don’t let that stop you from finding your people. You need them and trust me, not everyone is awful, even if it feels like it sometimes.

Change things up, go to new places, join a new job, and keep trying because once you figure out the secret of not hating your duty station, you might just fall in love with the place.

Jack Daniel’s and the ASYMCA’s Operation Ride Home Initiative

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The Jack Daniel Distillery and the Armed Services YMCA (ASYMCA) have begun the 13th year of their “Operation Ride Home” (ORH) campaign. This initiative helps over 1,000 junior-enlisted service members and their families travel home during the holiday season. Since its start in 2011, nearly 13,000 people have benefited from this program.

Jack Daniel’s, consistent in its support, has donated $100,000 this year. They encourage people to contribute to the cause by visiting operationridehome.com.

The Tennessee Whiskey distillery, along with its business partners and the public, has raised almost $3 million. This funding assists active-duty, junior-enlisted military personnel, and their families in traveling from their duty stations to homes across the country. But for every service member and family helped, there are ten who are waiting, according to ASYMCA officials.

ASYMCA works with military commands to identify and prioritize junior-enlisted service members and families facing financial need. The program supports service men and women from the Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, and Coast Guard, enabling them to travel to all 50 states through various means, including airline tickets and pre-paid debit cards.

“Operation Ride Home has provided life-changing experiences for these heroes and their families, and it is a true honor and privilege for all of us at Jack Daniel’s to help get them home,” said Chris Fletcher, Jack Daniel’s Master Distiller. “For so many of our junior-enlisted, the cost of travel is out of reach for them, but this assistance helps ensure they’ll be where they need to be during the holidays – at home with family, friends and the ones they love.”

“For the last 13 years, the Armed Services YMCA and Jack Daniel’s has made home for the holidays a reality for junior-enlisted service members and their families,” said ASYMCA CEO Bill French, VADM, USN (Ret.) “This gift means so much to these deserving military families, and it would not be possible without the generosity of Jack Daniel’s.”

Jack Daniel’s was officially registered by the U.S. Government in 1866 and is based in Lynchburg, Tennessee. The Jack Daniel Distillery is the first registered distillery in the United States and is on the National Register of Historic Places. Jack Daniel’s is the maker of the world-famous Jack Daniel’s Old
No. 7 Tennessee Whiskey, Gentleman Jack Double Mellowed Tennessee Whiskey, Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel Tennessee Whiskey, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Fire, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Apple, Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Rye, Jack Daniel’s Sinatra Select and Jack Daniel’s Country Cocktails. Today, Jack Daniel’s is a true global icon found in more than 170 countries around the world and is the most valuable spirits brand in the world as recognized by Interbrand.

The Armed Services YMCA (ASYMCA) is the oldest military support organization in the United States, founded in 1861. The ASYMCA’s mission enhances the lives of active-duty junior enlisted military members and their families in spirit, mind and body through programs relevant to the unique challenges of military life. In 2022, the ASYMCA engaged nearly 200,000 individuals and delivered more than 550,000 points of service through its 12 Branches and 24 Affiliate Partners, serving 89 military installations across the U.S. To learn more about how the ASYMCA is “Strengthening Our Military Family(R)” visit www.asymca.org.

And make sure to always drink responsibly!