Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

The Truth About Valentine’s Day When You Are a Military Spouse

by

The Truth About Valentine's Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Flowers, chocolate, candy hearts, and expectations. It sounds like another Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but when you are a military spouse, this holiday probably isn’t going to be as exciting as it could be…


via GIPHY

For one thing, your spouse might be gone. They might be deployed, across the ocean. So you are not even going to see your spouse on the 14th. And that being the case, ignoring the whole thing is pretty easy to do. You tell yourself it is just a made-up holiday anyway, who cares.


via GIPHY

But then, you are walking through Target and you see the chocolate, and you think, wouldn’t it be nice to get some chocolate this year? If nothing else, just some chocolate? Because if you are going to be alone for Valentine’s Day, you might as well have chocolate, right?


via GIPHY

So you buy yourself a box and decide that no matter what, you are going to have a good February 14th, you are going to have a good Valentine’s Day. Once you get home you remember you were going to send a Valentine’s Day care package to your husband, only it is already February 10th so it is going to be a little late. And you wonder if he will even care really. Sure, he loves to get a package from you but does it need to be a Valentine’s Day care package?


via GIPHY

Ya, you think, maybe I will just wait until after Valentine’s Day, buy him some 50% off chocolate and send that instead. But then, I have my kids to think about. And the fact that they need Valentines for their classes, guess you are going back to Target to pick some out. In a perfect world, you would get on Pinterest, pick out a cute idea and get to work but Marvel, Barbie, and those addictive candy hearts are going to have to sponsor Valentine’s Day this year.


via GIPHY

And then it is Valentine’s Day, and since your spouse is off making our nation a better place, you have to decide how you are going to spend the day. The kids are armed with Valentines for their classmates, you also got them a couple of things because in the end, Valentine’s Day is about love and you do love your children. You decide to get one of those heart pizzas for dinner because your kids will get a kick out of it and hey, it’s pizza.


via GIPHY

So you finish dinner, the kids loved the heart-shaped pizza and hey, you didn’t have to cook so that was a win. After the kids go to bed you dig into your chocolate hoping that your husband will get online and at least wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. So you put on a cheezy romance of some kind and wait with your chocolate, you know the chocolate you bought to have on this day.


via GIPHY

And as you wait you just tell yourself that next year he will be home and you will go big. You will get a babysitter and hit the town. It’s just this year that kinda sucks. But then you remember last year when he was home, and you pretty much did the same thing as you are doing this year because you have kids and you are on a budget and really, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal anyway.


via GIPHY

And right before you go to bed, he gets online and you say your “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. You smile because you are happy to be married to this guy and no that no matter how many Valentine’s Days he has to miss, you will always love him. And you know that there will always be plenty of chocolate to get through anything you two have to endure during his military career.


via GIPHY

When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

by

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

I have been through my share of earthquakes growing up in California. Fortunately, I was never in any danger from any of them.

After moving to the south, I have been through my fair share of tornado warnings, and they have been pretty scary sometimes.

The biggest issue we have dealt with when it came to weather when my husband was deployed was losing power during a storm, for about 37 hours. While we didn’t have any real damage, and USAA replaced all our food, it was a struggle not knowing when the power would come back on, and being on my own with three little kids during the power outage.

Hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, earthquakes, and even massive snowstorms can cause us to panic a little bit, or even more than a bit. We want to feel safe in our homes, but mother nature doesn’t allow us to always feel that way. Mother nature also doesn’t care if our spouse is deployed or not.

Dealing with a natural disaster with a deployed spouse is a bit terrifying, even for the most independent military spouse. You want them right by your side during this time, but they can’t be.

So what can you do when there is a natural disaster and your spouse is deployed?

Don’t panic

What you want to try not to do, is overly panic. I know it can be difficult, natural disasters are scary, especially if you have never been through that type of disaster before. You want to try to stay calm so you can figure out how to prepare yourself and your family.  You want to be able to think with a clear head.

Take warnings seriously

Blowing off a weather warning can sometimes be easy to do. There can be a lot of worry over a storm, and nothing comes of it. However, this isn’t always the case. It is better to be overly prepared than not prepared enough. Take any warnings about your area seriously.

Decide what you are going to do

If you live in an area that can get hurricanes, make sure you talk over with your spouse what you will do if one comes while they are away. What is your game plan? Do you have family or friends you can stay with?

In the case of tornados, make sure you know where your family is supposed to go once the alarms sound. Talk this over with your children, so they are aware of what to do. Practice earthquake drills, and be prepared for whatever type of natural disaster might hit your area.

Emergency kits

Put together your emergency kit, just in case. You might not need it, but it is a good idea to have. Check out Disaster Prep: 8 Things to Have on Hand for an idea of what you need in your kit. Do your research so you have the supplies you need.

Band together

Band together with your neighbors and military spouse friends. If you have a close friend, you might want to hang out together until the storm has passed. See how you can help one another out. You can do things like trade childcare as you each take turns going to the store to prepare your home for the upcoming storm or just be there for one another.

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

Follow the news

This is the time to watch the news during a deployment. Follow what is going on, you don’t want to be caught unaware. In our area, under a tornado warning, the news will show when the threat is supposed to hit your area by the minute. Make sure your weather radio always has working batteries and that you always have a way of being notified of a warning even if you are sleeping.

Here are some website and resources about natural disasters to help you:

10 Ways for Military Families to Prep Before Hurricane Florence

Disaster Preparedness 101

Military Family Preparedness

Creating a Family Emergency Plan

How military families should prepare for natural disasters

Steps to Take After a Flood, Fire or Other Natural Disaster

Hurricane Evacuations, Military Entitlements, and Insurance Coverage

Tips To Make Your Home Earthquake Ready

Red Cross- Find An Open Shelter

Sesame Street- Support After An Emergency

Prepare for Wildfire

Tornado Safety Tips

Tornado Warning: 7 Ways to Prepare Yourself

Another Hurricane Is on the Way: Is Your Military Family Prepared?

The MilSpouse’s Guide to Catastrophic Weather

Prepare for a Tsunami

Pets and Animals

Please stay safe if you are in harm’s way. Pay attention, and know you can get through this, as hard as it might seem.
 
 

Deployments Never Truly Go Away

by 3 Comments

A Military spouse is never going to forget how hard it was to let their spouse go, how lonely the nights were, or, how happy they were when they finally came home.

Deployments Never Truly Go Away

It’s been years since the first time my husband deployed, over a decade ago. But that deployment changed my life forever, as it changed the lives of so many of my military spouse friends.

That deployment changed my husband and all of the men he served with. That deployment still comes up in my mind, and I always think about those who lost so much during those 15 months.

Recently I saw this article going around Facebook again, as it often does every once in a while, Europe’s deadliest deployment. I always re-read the article when I see it, and reading those words brings me right back to that deployment. That place. And those feelings.

Our men were gone for so long, many didn’t see their spouse for over a year, and my husband and I went 11 months between R&R and homecoming.

So many men were lost, so many didn’t come home, and not everyone who made it home was the same.

Us military spouses, being in a very small military community, had to cling to one another. I have never experienced anything quite like that since and I am thankful I had that type of experience during that 15-month deployment.

We somehow made it through that deployment, all 15 months of it, but that deployment changed us forever. That deployment shaped me into who I am today, more than any other deployment.

That deployment shaped me into who I became as a parent, realizing what was important and what I needed to let go. That deployment shaped me as a wife and gave me the strength to get through whatever came our way in the future.

Sometimes I wonder how I went so long without seeing my husband. In the deployments since we have never had to be apart for that long. And these days, even a few weeks seems so challenging.

When you are apart like that, you are living different lives. You have to. I had to be there for my boys, making parenting decisions, and doing what was right for our home. He had to be aware of what his mission was, and focus on what he had to do for his job, and how to stay safe.

We both dealt with loss.

Me, for friends who lost their husbands, and for the grief our community endured when we heard news of another death. You could see it on everyone’s faces as you walked around the Army post. We were all feeling the weight of the deployment, in so many different ways.

For my husband, who lost friends, ones who had just as much desire to return home to their spouses and children as he did. There is still so much pain there. A pain I will truly never understand.

And now, all these years later we will hear of someone else who has lost their life to suicide, and we grieve again, for the ripples of that deployment or deployments after that are still affecting people to this day.

Deployments are a bit different now. Deployments are shorter, and for that I am thankful. Communication is much easier, and that helps. However, deployments are still not easy and the military and military spouses need as much support as they can get.

Support not only during deployments, although that is important, but support after because that is an emotional ride for everyone.

When I think back to those 15 months, I realize that we just had to keep going, day by day. We couldn’t give up, even if we thought we wouldn’t make it through. And there were plenty of times we felt that way.

We had no choice but to get through the days apart and pray that our soldiers would come back to us.

You never forget your deployments. They stay with you forever. The smallest of things can remind you of what you went through. The smallest of things can take you right back.

Our military will probably always go to war in some form. And there will always be military families, spouses, and children who are going through the deployment back at home. And those of us that go through them will always remember these deployments and how we changed because of them.

We can learn more about ourselves from the time apart, and work to make life a little easier the next time our spouse has to go. We can support others going through a deployment, and let them know that they can get through them too.

This post does contain affiliate links!

Here are a few military spouse resources that can help you through deployments, post-deployment, or military life in general:

Military One Source

Operation We Are Here

Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage by Corie Weathers

15 Years of War: How the Longest War in U.S. History Affected a Military Family in Love, Loss, and the Cost Of Service by Kristine Schellhaas

Right Side Up: Find Your Way When Military Life Turns You Upside Down by Judy Davis

Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Deployment Posts

Is there one deployment that sticks with you above any others? How do you work through everything?

27 Military Spouse Memes for a Difficult Deployment Day

by 1 Comment

27 Military Spouse Memes for a Difficult Deployment Day

If you have gone through a deployment or even a shorter separation you know you will have good deployment days and bad ones. Some mornings you will wake up ready to take on the world and others you will wonder how you will make it until lunchtime.

Deployments are like this. It’s their nature.

They are stressful and can be difficult to figure out how to get through them.

Since we all have bad deployment days, what can we do?

Here are some military spouse memes that can help you during a difficult deployment day:

military spouse memes

It can be way too easy to feel like your life is horrible or that it will always be that way during a bad deployment day. Remember, deployments don’t last forever and you will not always have to be missing your spouse.

military spouse memes

Sometimes you will have to just take the deployment an hour at a time. Other times you will be rocking things and the weeks will fly by.

military spouse memes

Deployments are the hard part but you go through them because they are a part of being married to your spouse.

Military Spouse Memes

Find friends and your favorite drink. Tomorrow is another day! And you can do all of this virtually if you need to. Technology has come a long way!

military spouse memes

Deployments can be a great time to reflect on the years you have been together.

military spouse memes

During bad deployment days, remind yourself why your spouse signed up for the military and what they are fighting for.

military spouse memes

The end is the hardest but you are strong and you can get through it all!

military spouse memes

Kick that deployment’s butt! You are strong! Remember that!

military spouse memes

Know that it is okay to say deployments suck. That just means you love and miss your spouse.

military spouse memes

Military life will make you stronger. If you don’t feel you are strong, you will get there.

military spouse memes

Remember your love. It can take you far. Especially on those difficult deployment days.

military spouse memes

Having a bad deployment day doesn’t mean you don’t support your spouse. They happen.

military spouse memes

You will never forget these things. Those feelings might fade after time but you will always remember the day they came home and wonderful that feeling was.

military spouse memes

There are different ways to handle deployment. Never judge another spouse because she is handling things a little differently. That just makes things harder for the spouse that is already feeling less-than.

military spouse memes

So very true Charles Dickens, so very true.

military spouse memes

We are military spouses and deployments are what we do. Thank goodness for all the support!

military spouse memes

The deployment ache is the worst! If you are feeling that ache, know that you are not alone.

military spouse memes

Yes, family time is important and most people know that. However, you really understand how important that time is when you have to go months or even years without it.

military spouse memes

What’s in your military spouse toolkit?

military spouse memes

Margaritas are a great choice!

military spouse memes

What we have to be made of 🙂

military spouse memes

Remembering this helps. All couples have difficult times. Deployments could be yours.

military spouse memes

Know that your spouse loves you, even from across the ocean…

military spouse memes

You will have good deployment days and bad ones. When you are having a good one, make the best of the day. When you are having a bad one, know that tomorrow will be a better day…

military spouse memes

Military life can be hard because being a spouse means the military has to sometimes come first. Know that you are first in their heart.

military spouse memes

Finding peace can be a great goal. You might not get there every day but find things that make you happy and that will help.

military spouse memes

Remember, at the end of all this, when the deployment is over, you will be waiting for them to return and know that you made it through a deployment and anything that comes your way.

Are you going through a deployment right now? Need a little bit of extra support? Join me in my Facebook group 🙂

When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist in the Military and You Don’t Want Them To

by

It’s almost time for your spouse to re-enlist, decisions have to be made, and you feel like it is time to walk away from military life. However, your spouse does not agree and would love to do 20+ years in the military.

What should you do?

What can you do?

Is it even fair to them to say you don’t want them to re-enlist?

Breathe

First of all, take a breath. This is a big decision and not a simple one, and while this is your spouse’s career, you both need to be involved in planning your joint future. What you decide will affect you the spouse, and your children or any future children you might have. The decision to re-enlist in the military shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Ask yourself why

Ask yourself why you don’t want them to re-enlist. Break it down. Is it the solo parenting? Is it the up and downs of military life? Is it because you want to focus on your career and that is hard to do so with a spouse in the military?

Figuring out why you don’t want them to re-enlist is important. Make sure to talk this all over with your spouse. Let them know what you are afraid of. Let them know why you want to walk away.

Can you compromise? 

Can they re-enlist for three more years with the plan to re-evaluate at that time? No one signs up for 20 years at a time. Can you make a plan that he will serve for a certain amount of time, and then you will go back to school? Can you agree to try to be stationed close to home if possible?

Sometimes you have to suck it up

At the end of the day, sometimes you just have to suck it up. What people in this type of situation do is going to be different for each couple, for each person. There are different reasons why people want to walk away from military life, and only the couple can decide if they are worth giving up a military dream.

For some couples, this means the spouse will have to work out how they will handle more years of military life. For others, it means the service member will need to find another way to pursue their career goals. There isn’t one hard and fast rule for every couple.

If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about this and can’t seem to come to a good conclusion, it can be a good idea to seek extra help. Any marriage is going to have times when a decision has to be made about the future, and the couple isn’t always going to agree right away. Communication is so very important here, as well as keeping everyone’s feelings and desires in mind.

What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist And You Don't Want Them To

There are situations when a couple can not agree on this, and sometimes a marriage will end over it. Other times, there will be a lot of hurt and frustration on both sides. A service member who doesn’t feel supported by their spouse, a military spouse that doesn’t feel like their spouse understands why they can’t do this anymore. Those situations can be so difficult and are never easy to navigate.

While I can’t tell you what to do in your own marriage, I can help with dealing with the frustrations of military life. Life as a military spouse isn’t easy, and you have to work hard to figure out ways to make it through.

This doesn’t make you weak but allows you to be strong.

What has worked for you when you have felt like you just wanted your spouse to get out of the military? What are your best tips for someone who is dealing with all of this?

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

by

As a new Army wife, I didn’t know a whole lot about the military lifestyle. Sure, I knew the basics, but standing at our first duty station in Schweinfurt, Germany, I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I can remember standing there, watching a group of soldiers going by, and knowing everything had changed for us.

I was lucky though. Within those first months of being an Army wife in Germany, I found friends. I found other spouses who not only knew what military life was like but going through the same thing I was. We were all getting ready for a deployment, a first deployment for many of us and we knew we could do it together.

I honestly am not sure what I would have done or how I could have gotten through that deployment without my military spouse friends.

Although things were not always perfect, and there was drama, of course, there was drama, having people to go through a deployment with helped us all make it through what would turn out to be one of the longest and hardest deployments.

Over the years, I have made friends at every step of the way. From my best friend in Germany to my current circle here at Fort Campbell. From military spouse bloggers to some of the amazing people I have met through my blogging in all parts of the world.

In MOPS this last year I was able to speak about 3 am friends. You know the ones. The people you could call at 3 am when life was falling apart. The people you could depend on during your most difficult times. The people who made this lifestyle so much better.

I am so thankful for the 3 am friends I have made over the years. Knowing you have someone to call when you might need something, knowing you have that person, it’s an amazing feeling and helps so much living this military lifestyle. From a friend who watched my two-year-old while I was in the hospital with my 2-month-old, to my friend that always let me vent about how frustrated I was that my husband kept getting deployed.

So to my military spouse friends, you are the best.

You are the ones who have made deployments go by that much faster. From making plans together to being able to vent about not being able to talk to our husbands. From having our kids play together to helping each other out with childcare.

You are the ones who let me know that I can, in fact, get through what I need to get through. Your strength inspires me. When I feel weak, you can make me feel strong again and that I can handle whatever this life throws my way.

You have made me laugh when things were crazy, and let me cry when life got too hard. And I hope in return I have done the same when you needed that pick me up. We, military spouses, can help one another out, even in the darkest of times.

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

So, to my military spouse friends, thank you.

Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for your friendship and your love. Thank you for caring, and thank you for always being there.

Many years from now, when military life is over, I will look back and think of all of you. Of all the fun memories we made, of all the struggles we got through together, of the different dreams and talks and experiences we had.

How have you made friends along your military spouse journey? 

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

by

Have you ever planned a vacation only to have to cancel or reschedule it because military dates changed?

Have you ever given birth when your husband was deployed because they simply wouldn’t send him home like you thought they might?

Have you ever wanted to be stationed close to home only for your spouse to get orders clear across the country?

Most military spouses have been through one or all of these disappointments not to mention others that can happen when you are a military spouse. Dates change, your spouse can’t always be around when you need them, and you don’t always get a choice in where you are going to live.

What can you do when disappointment hits? How can you turn things around to get to a better place? 

Shock

When met with disappointing news, you will probably be in shock. They say to “hope for the best, plan for the worst” and we know things might not work out the way we want them to, but we still hope that they do. And then when they don’t? We can’t believe we are hearing that news.

If you feel shocked when you realize things are not going to be the way you want them to be, you are not alone. It’s normal to feel this way at first. You had the hope of a better outcome, and now you have to start to accept your new reality, and that isn’t always easy to do.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Sadness

After shock comes the sadness. You are going to have to move to Alaska even though your family lives in FL. Your husband is going to deploy right before your 30th birthday. Your family trip to Walt Disney World will have to be postponed by six months.

You might need to take a moment to cry into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad about this; you are allowed to have those emotions. Let things out, call a friend and vent, have a good cry, and then move on to planning.

Planning

Every time I get some disappointing news because of my husband’s job, I eventually find myself coming up with a plan. I know that I will need to be creative to move forward. I will need to figure out a way to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.

If it is a matter of an unexpected deployment, I try to figure out what I can do during that deployment to stay as busy as I can, I think about how the deployment pay can help us, and I think about extra things I can do that I might not have time for if he wasn’t going to be deployed.

Being able to have a plan to deal with the disappointment will go a very long way in finding relief.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Relief

Relief happens when you get to a place where you feel like you can figure out a way forward. It might not always be easy, you might not always be happy about what happened, but you can figure out how to get through it.

If you assumed your husband would be at the birth of your first child and they are not, you are going to go through a wave of emotions about it. You will eventually figure out who you want with you because he can’t be. And then you will start to accept that this has to be your new normal. And with that comes the relief that you can, in fact, give birth without your husband. 

You Got This

Remember, you got this. Reach out to your friends, make plans, and figure out how to deal with disappointment in your military life.

Disappointments will happen in military life. They say to write all plans in pencil because all plans can change, no matter how close you are to the date they are supposed to happen. We as military spouse want to support our service members and getting to a place where we can move forward is a good way to do so.

What do you do to get over disappointment during military life?

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

by

I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?