Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

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How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

I recently saw a post on Facebook that talked about how you can still be a good person and say no, and that you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm and I loved it.

So many times, we as military spouses, get to a place of extreme burnout. We are simply taking on too much. And while I think there is nothing we can do about being the only adult in the home for months at a time or putting up with different military life challenges, we can control our boundaries and what we allow in.

I try so hard to avoid burnout. I don’t like the feeling that I have taken on too much. When I do that, I find myself way too stressed out and that isn’t good for anyone.

Boundaries are important for everyone. They can keep you grounded, and allow you to live your best life. They can help you stay calm in an otherwise stressful time in your life.

Here is how to have them as a military spouse:

Say no

It’s okay to say no sometimes. I know, that can be so hard to do, but saying no sometimes is necessary. Saying no can be necessary to our physical, emotional, and mental health. Saying yes to everything just because we are asked is a quick way to become overwhelmed with everything.

Remember, you aren’t meant to solve everyone’s problems

Helping other people feels so good, and there are so many chances to do so on a daily basis. But remember, you are not solely responsible for everyone’s problems. You can lend a listening ear, or even direct them to a place that can help. You don’t physically have to do everything for them. That is just too much for one person to take on.

You can be picky about your friends

You are going to run into all types of people in your daily lives. Some of them you will get along with and some of them you won’t. That’s life. You might have a coworker that gets on your nerves or a long-time friend who doesn’t respect you.

A part of having boundaries is recognizing that you don’t have to be close friends with everyone. You can be respectful of other people, without having to let them into your personal life. You can be choosey when it comes to who you spend your free time with.

Remember, saying no to one thing means saying yes to another

One of the most important things about boundaries is that by saying no to one thing, you can be saying yes to another. There are only so many hours in the day, and you can’t say yes to everything. Think long and hard about every yes you give. You don’t want to say yes to something you really hate when that means you will have to say no to something you really love.

That being said, you will have to say yes to things you don’t want to do all the time, especially if you have kids. But even with that, choose your best yes, and what works for your family. Saying no sometimes will free up time to say yes to things that are most important to you.

Following these tips can be difficult sometimes. Saying no isn’t always easy, even if you really want to. But having some type of boundaries in your life can make things a little easier, especially when you add in challenges that come with military life.

The Type of Military Spouse It’s Okay To Be

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The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

It’s okay…

You see it’s okay to be you. You are your own person. You have your own likes, dislikes and belief systems. You are who you are.

It’s okay to cry during a deployment, and it’s okay if you don’t. We don’t all handle deployment in the same way.

It’s okay to go home for a deployment because you feel that is what you need to get through. It’s okay to stay at your duty station because you can’t imagine going anywhere else while they are gone.

It’s okay if your house is kinda messy all the time and it’s okay if you are a neat freak that can’t sleep if anything is out of order.

It’s okay if you binge watch something every Friday night, and it’s okay if you never watch tv.

It’s okay if you have two children, or three children, or five children. It’s okay if you never want children and want to stay childfree.

It’s okay if you are a Christian, it’s okay if you are a Muslim, it’s okay if you are Jewish, it is okay if you are Hindu, and it’s okay if you don’t practice any type of religion at all. We all come from our own backgrounds and we all worship who we are going to worship.

It’s okay if you are a Republican, it’s okay if you are a Democrat, and it’s okay if you are not sure what you are and don’t want to pick a party.

It’s okay if you want to buy a house at your duty station and it is okay if you don’t want to own until after military retirement.

It’s okay if you want three dogs and it’s okay if pets are the last thing you want to deal with.

The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

It’s okay to be frustrated that you can’t find a job and it is okay to be happy that you are finally a SAHM.

It’s okay to be from a tiny town in Georgia, and it is okay to be from New York City and it’s okay that the two of you are best friends who met at a base in Hawaii.

It’s okay to love the show Army Wives, and it’s okay to hate that show with every fiber of your being.

It’s okay to be excited about going to spend four years in Germany, and it’s okay to be scared to death about leaving everything you have ever known.

It’s okay to go all out, hire a photographer for homecoming and spend $100 on an outfit. It’s okay to bring along a friend with an iPhone and to wear your favorite outfit from last year.

It’s okay to go to every ball and dance the night away. It’s okay to skip them and never attend, even if your spouse has to go.

It’s okay to love the FRG and volunteer to help. It’s okay to say no thank you and not attend spouse events as a general rule.

The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

You see, these are the types of military spouses you are okay to be. It’s okay to be you.

What is not okay is to bash others you don’t understand. It’s not okay to make fun of a spouse that is having a harder time than you are. It’s not okay to be unfaithful to your spouse, especially when they are deployed. It’s not okay to use the D word (you know the one) when referring to those you don’t understand.

You see, the military community is a diverse place. Military spouses are not all the same, and we can learn from one another. We come from all over the US and even other countries. We have different backgrounds and don’t all think the same.

But the one thing we have in common is that we are married to someone serving in our military. We have to say goodbye to them as they leave for deployment. We have to pack up everything and move every few years. We have to be strong, even when it feels like we can’t be anymore.

You see, the type of military spouse that it’s okay to be is one who is loyal, one who is able, one who is willing, and one who will do what they need to do to get through each day. 

When An Introverted Military Spouse Needs To Make Friends

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When An Introverted Military Spouse Needs To Make Friends

“Why are you so quiet?”

I was asked this SO many times as a kid and you know what, I hated it so much. I was so shy, I had social anxiety I am sure, and I was an introvert.

And because of that, I struggled a bit. Sure, with my best friends and family I could be super loud. I remember my parents telling me they were going to tape record (yep, 80s kid here) me and give it to my teachers.

My shyness was really a struggle. I can remember people asking me questions and being TERRIFIED to answer them. I just couldn’t talk to them.

As a young teenager, I was able to use humor to help a little, although that didn’t always go well. I found myself repeating lines from Saturday Night Life or some other funny show in order to fit in with people.

As an older teenager, things got a little easier for me. Then I left for college.

College was so much easier. I was able to talk to more and more people. I didn’t get scared when people asked me a question. I could go up to people and talk to them without much issue.

Fast forward to today. I am in my 40s. Most days I feel like an introvert, some days I can be more extroverted. I am still quiet. I don’t think anyone would call me loud, except my kids. Sometimes I feel pretty socially awkward, other days I don’t. It just depends on my mood.

If I walk into a room full of people I don’t know, I can handle myself. But doing so isn’t always comfortable.

I have gotten up in front of people to speak, and I would do that again, but I can also get pretty nervous when I do.

If I see someone I don’t know too well out and about, I struggle with if I should say hi or not. That is awkward for me.

I know that I am not the only military spouse who is an introvert. I know others struggle with making friends and going into situations where they are the new girl. I know how hard that can be.

But…as military spouses, we have to do it, at least on some level. We have to get out and attend something, whether it be an FRG meeting, a playgroup, or even a mandatory fun event. If we never go to anything, meeting other spouses will be that much harder to do.

Here are a few tips for introverted military spouses who need to make some friends:

  • Use the internet

Find a local group about something you love to do. Join it. Get to know some of the people in the group online. Attend one of their events. When you go, you should have already interacted with a few people already, and that can make it easier to talk with others and make some real friends.

  • Go places you can meet people

There are probably groups and clubs, and events going on at your duty station or in your city. See what is going on and find some places you would be interested in. MOPS is perfect if you have little kids.

Then make sure you go. Be friendly when you are there, and see what happens. You never know. And remember, there are going to be other introverted military spouses there too.

  • Remember, you are not alone

Remember, you are not the only one who is shy, trying to make friends. Other people are too. You are not the only one that feels they have social anxiety, others do too. You are not the lone introverted spouse in a sea of extroverts. Whenever you go somewhere new, think about that, and hopefully, that will make the whole experience easier for you.

I like to say that making friends as a military spouse is a must. This is so true, but I also know getting out there to actually make those friends can be difficult. So, whether you are introverted, feel socially awkward, or just think you are pretty shy, you got this.

Military life can change us and push us to do things we didn’t think we could do. I think this is one of those areas. Military life will force you out of your comfort zone, but the rewards for doing so make it worth it.

What have you done to make friends as an introverted military spouse?

What Military Spouses Signed Up For

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We have all heard people say it, in the middle of our deployments, “you knew what you signed up for when you became a military spouse.“

Only…we didn’t. Whether we married someone already serving or made that decision together, there is no way any of us could have known how difficult military life could be. No road map tells you exactly how you will feel when your spouse of 10 years has to leave for a year. We simply get through these difficult situations the best way that we can.

But as military spouses, there are some things we signed up for…

That we will support our spouses

We might not know how supporting our spouse will look like over the years, but we committed to doing so. That is what spouses should do for one another, military or not. Being there for one another, no matter the circumstance.

Whether that is standing by during a deployment or helping them through training. Whether it is being faithful during time apart or working hard to make sure they get any help they might need after a deployment.

That we will love on our children

No matter what happens, we military spouses are committed to helping our children through whatever it is they are going to have to go through. We might not always know the best way to help them, but we will figure out how to do so. We will fill the role of both mom and dad, doing what we can when our service member is away.

That we will be a part of the community

The military community is a good one. There are a lot of supportive people that we can connect with. Whether it is through your FRG or MOPS community, befriending others in your neighborhood, or finding a good friend in an online group. Although sometimes finding your tribe isn’t easy, know that there are plenty of good military spouses out there to befriend and get to know.

That we love our country

At the end of the day, we love our country. We see the reason why our spouse has to serve, why someone has to serve, why we need to have a strong military. Whether we have an R or a D behind our name or are not even sure where we belong, we love our country and our military and want the best for it.

Not only for the sake of our own spouses and families but for all the other men and women who are serving. We know that this life means sacrifice, even when that is hard. We know that we will have to give things up, even if we don’t want to. We know it is all for a bigger purpose.

That we can be patient

We might be heartbroken when our spouse’s deployment gets extended, we might vent about where we have to PCS to next, we might hate the fact that we can’t ever rely on our spouse to help us put the kids to bed but overall, military spouses are patient.

We have to be. We are always waiting and waiting, even when it seems like we should already have what we are waiting for. We wait for paperwork to get done, we wait for a deployment to end, and we wait for orders to get cut. We know waiting is part of the deal, and we do the best we can, even if the waiting drives us nuts.

While we don’t know what we signed up for with aspects of military life, we know what we can bring to the table. We know that we can support our spouses, that we can love on our children, that we can be a part of the military community, that we love our country, and that we can be patient.

None of these things are easy, but they are in our heart as we strive to make our way through this crazy military life.

What is the most difficult part of military life for you?

When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

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When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

I was listening to Jen Hatmaker’s new podcast about friendship. The episode was an interview with Vicki Lovine who wrote the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and other Girlfriend’s books. As Jen is doing a series on girlfriends, she is the perfect guest to talk about the subject.

During the episode, Vicki talks about how a lot of her friends she met when her children were very young on the playground. How they connected then and just grew through the years together. This reminded me so much of my mom and her friends.

She moved out to California from the Midwest after college and found her group of friends. Most of them had little girls the same age as me, and these women became like aunts to me. They were there throughout my childhood. These days, as they are in their 70s, some have moved away to be near their children in other places, but their friendship is still very strong.

When I was thinking about all this, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. The moms I met at the playground back when my kids were a lot younger? Well none of us even live in the same country where we met.

This is the reality of military life. You or your friends always move away.

Maybe you get lucky, and you get to spend four or five years together. Maybe you end up getting stationed in the same place again. Maybe you can plan to see one other on vacation. But the reality is, once you or friends move away, that is it. Things are never the same again.

You don’t get to grow together in person, only across the miles. You can watch each other on Facebook, commenting and liking photos as your kids grow. They might have another baby, you might have another one too, and you are aware that there is a huge part of their life you know nothing about.

As military spouses, we accept that this is going to happen.

That the local friends we had when our son was two are not going to be the same local friends we have when they are twelve. We know that any friend group is going to be temporary. And saying that makes my heart hurt.

As we say goodbye to our best friends, we hope we can stay in touch. We hope that we can somehow keep things the same, even though we know they will be different. We hope that we can still talk every day, even if we don’t hear each other’s voices anymore.

And the truth is, you can stay in touch with friends who have moved away. But it takes a lot of work.

Work on your part and work on theirs. I have learned that if both parties are not up for that type of long-distance relationship, the friendship will fade away. You both have to want it. And more than want it, you have to have the energy to keep up with it. Life doesn’t always give us that.

One day you realize that you haven’t talked in over a year and you don’t see that changing anytime soon. You are aware that things are different now, and although they will always have such a special place in your heart, things will never even be close to the way they were. That’s life. 

But then, you have the friends where you can keep in touch.

Where you talk over text, like each other’s Facebook posts, and know what is going on in their lives. Where if you do see one another again in person, you know you won’t feel strange or weird because your friendship hasn’t missed a beat.

These friendships are the ones that will last. These are the people you will know years from now. These are the friends that you will always have.

I have cried so many tears over friends moving away. I do this because I know I will miss them and what we had. And even if I am aware that this was coming, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

The best thing to do is to have faith that your friendships can stand the test of time, even if you don’t talk too often.

Know that they could be missing you, just like you are missing them. That sometimes we are only friends for a season, but that doesn’t change what we learned from them or what we had together. And know that someday, things could be different.

That the constant moves of military life will end, that you will find a place to dig your roots into, that you will find friends that will be there as long as you are. That someday you won’t always have to say goodbye to the people who are special to you.

You will be able to look back over the years at all the people who you have called friends.

That although they live all over the US or even the world, that you know you became a richer person because of all of them. That you know that although the pain of saying goodbye will always be with you, the memories of what you had will also stay with you for the rest of your life.

Being a military spouse, you will have to say goodbye to your friends. Some will be your best friends; others will be more casual friends. And as hard as this will be, you are strong enough to endure the goodbyes. You will figure out how to cope and that will not stop you from making new friends wherever you go in the future.

Have you been able to stay in touch with your military friends over the years?

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their service member has to leave for an extended time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?

There He Goes Again

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Man and woman holding hands.

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True

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10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True

On November 8th, 2005, my husband re-enlisted in the US Army. This was a huge change for us and our family. My husband had been in the Army when he was a lot younger, years before I met him. He had gotten out, returned home and we met a few years after that. We got married and had our first child and it wasn’t until we had been married about 3 years that we started talking about him going back into the Army.

18 years have passed since that day and I now consider myself a seasoned spouse. We have been overseas, been through 4 deployments, multiple trainings and have experienced both Active duty and National Guard life. Over the last 18 years, I have learned so much about military life. I didn’t realize how clueless I was until he joined and learned about these truths the hard way. I assumed some things I shouldn’t have. I have grown as a person since then and the last 18 years have made me who I am.

Here are 10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True:

1. Just Because You Are Told Something, It Doesn’t Mean It Will Happen That Way- There have been so many times in the last 18 years when military plans have changed. From deployments to trainings to appointments. Military life is all about change. Nothing is ever set in stone and it is probably best to assume nothing is going to happen a certain way until it actually does.

2. Military Life Isn’t Fair- It wasn’t that I thought everything in military life was going to be fair, but it is a hard reality to realize much of this life isn’t fair or equal at all. Your spouse might deploy a lot more than other spouses. You might not ever end up at the “best” duty stations and it will seem others do. Some service members take longer to promote than others. The best thing to do is celebrate when you are the one to get the good news and be humble when you see that your friend or neighbor has not.

3. Not All Military Housing Is Created Equal- When we moved into our orange duplex at our 2nd duty station in Germany, I cried. That house was amazing! And to think we got the house just because we moved to a new duty station, not because of rank or position. That the two homes could be so different was amazing to me. Some housing is much better than others and that can be a frustrating reality of military life.

4. Making Friends Isn’t Always Easy- As much as you want to find your tribe and your people, sometimes that will take longer than you want it to. Making friends depending on a lot of factors. From putting yourself out there to who is at your duty station. Don’t lose hope if you haven’t made friends at your new duty station yet, it might just take you a bit longer this time.

5. You Will Grow Without Your Spouse- During military life you and your spouse will grow. You will change. Everyone does. Sometimes this will happen when they are not home. During a year deployment, you can grow and change and because you have, life can be a bit of a challenge once your spouse gets home. Keep this in mind during the redeployment period and remember why you decided to be together in the first place.

6. Your Parenting Will Look A Little Different- Survival mode is very real and sometimes being in survival mode means you let things go and your parenting will change because of that. Try not to let this get you down, real life sometimes doesn’t mix with our ideals. Do your best and at the end of the day, give yourself some grace.

7. You Will Surprise Yourself- During the last 118years, I have done things I never thought I was capable of. I have been stretched and have become stronger because of everything I have been through. Military life will mold you into the person you are meant to be. And you will look back and might be surprised about everything you have had to go through to get there.

8. When Military Life Is Over, You Might Not Want To Leave- As much as you think you are ready to leave military life behind, doing so isn’t as easy as you think the transition will be. You might find yourself missing parts of military life and wondering why you and your spouse decided that chapter needed to be closed. You might get upset that your spouse had to leave because of medical issues. Give yourself time to adjust to the after military lifestyle.

9. The “Worst” Duty Station Might Be Your Favorite- There are a few duty stations out there that are talked about as the worst. Places you really don’t want to go and for a lot of them, there is a good reason for that. But sometimes, the “worst” duty station may be your favorite place. Maybe you have figured out how to bloom where you are planted or maybe you just made some amazing friends, but whatever reason you will always look back at that duty station as some of the best years of your military life.

10. Just When You Are Comfortable, Life Will Change- I was sitting at a friend’s house with about four or five friends. The kids were all playing nicely and we were having a good conversation. In the back of my head, I thought, “This won’t last forever.” And that was true. Within 3 years, everyone in that room has moved somewhere else. This is the reality of military life. People are always moving, either you or them. Commands change, deployments come and go. Just when you get comfortable, things change.

How long have you been a military spouse? What have you learned along the way?