Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

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When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

I was listening to Jen Hatmaker’s new podcast about friendship. The episode was an interview with Vicki Lovine who wrote the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and other Girlfriend’s books. As Jen is doing a series on girlfriends, she is the perfect guest to talk about the subject.

During the episode, Vicki talks about how a lot of her friends she met when her children were very young on the playground. How they connected then and just grew through the years together. This reminded me so much of my mom and her friends.

She moved out to California from the Midwest after college and found her group of friends. Most of them had little girls the same age as me, and these women became like aunts to me. They were there throughout my childhood. These days, as they are in their 70s, some have moved away to be near their children in other places, but their friendship is still very strong.

When I was thinking about all this, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. The moms I met at the playground back when my kids were a lot younger? Well none of us even live in the same country where we met.

This is the reality of military life. You or your friends always move away.

Maybe you get lucky, and you get to spend four or five years together. Maybe you end up getting stationed in the same place again. Maybe you can plan to see one other on vacation. But the reality is, once you or friends move away, that is it. Things are never the same again.

You don’t get to grow together in person, only across the miles. You can watch each other on Facebook, commenting and liking photos as your kids grow. They might have another baby, you might have another one too, and you are aware that there is a huge part of their life you know nothing about.

As military spouses, we accept that this is going to happen.

That the local friends we had when our son was two are not going to be the same local friends we have when they are twelve. We know that any friend group is going to be temporary. And saying that makes my heart hurt.

As we say goodbye to our best friends, we hope we can stay in touch. We hope that we can somehow keep things the same, even though we know they will be different. We hope that we can still talk every day, even if we don’t hear each other’s voices anymore.

And the truth is, you can stay in touch with friends who have moved away. But it takes a lot of work.

Work on your part and work on theirs. I have learned that if both parties are not up for that type of long-distance relationship, the friendship will fade away. You both have to want it. And more than want it, you have to have the energy to keep up with it. Life doesn’t always give us that.

One day you realize that you haven’t talked in over a year and you don’t see that changing anytime soon. You are aware that things are different now, and although they will always have such a special place in your heart, things will never even be close to the way they were. That’s life. 

But then, you have the friends where you can keep in touch.

Where you talk over text, like each other’s Facebook posts, and know what is going on in their lives. Where if you do see one another again in person, you know you won’t feel strange or weird because your friendship hasn’t missed a beat.

These friendships are the ones that will last. These are the people you will know years from now. These are the friends that you will always have.

I have cried so many tears over friends moving away. I do this because I know I will miss them and what we had. And even if I am aware that this was coming, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

The best thing to do is to have faith that your friendships can stand the test of time, even if you don’t talk too often.

Know that they could be missing you, just like you are missing them. That sometimes we are only friends for a season, but that doesn’t change what we learned from them or what we had together. And know that someday, things could be different.

That the constant moves of military life will end, that you will find a place to dig your roots into, that you will find friends that will be there as long as you are. That someday you won’t always have to say goodbye to the people who are special to you.

You will be able to look back over the years at all the people who you have called friends.

That although they live all over the US or even the world, that you know you became a richer person because of all of them. That you know that although the pain of saying goodbye will always be with you, the memories of what you had will also stay with you for the rest of your life.

Being a military spouse, you will have to say goodbye to your friends. Some will be your best friends; others will be more casual friends. And as hard as this will be, you are strong enough to endure the goodbyes. You will figure out how to cope and that will not stop you from making new friends wherever you go in the future.

Have you been able to stay in touch with your military friends over the years?

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their service member has to leave for an extended time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?

There He Goes Again

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Man and woman holding hands.

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True

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10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True

On November 8th, 2005, my husband re-enlisted in the US Army. This was a huge change for us and our family. My husband had been in the Army when he was a lot younger, years before I met him. He had gotten out, returned home and we met a few years after that. We got married and had our first child and it wasn’t until we had been married about 3 years that we started talking about him going back into the Army.

18 years have passed since that day and I now consider myself a seasoned spouse. We have been overseas, been through 4 deployments, multiple trainings and have experienced both Active duty and National Guard life. Over the last 18 years, I have learned so much about military life. I didn’t realize how clueless I was until he joined and learned about these truths the hard way. I assumed some things I shouldn’t have. I have grown as a person since then and the last 18 years have made me who I am.

Here are 10 Truths About Military Life That Military Spouses Know Are True:

1. Just Because You Are Told Something, It Doesn’t Mean It Will Happen That Way- There have been so many times in the last 18 years when military plans have changed. From deployments to trainings to appointments. Military life is all about change. Nothing is ever set in stone and it is probably best to assume nothing is going to happen a certain way until it actually does.

2. Military Life Isn’t Fair- It wasn’t that I thought everything in military life was going to be fair, but it is a hard reality to realize much of this life isn’t fair or equal at all. Your spouse might deploy a lot more than other spouses. You might not ever end up at the “best” duty stations and it will seem others do. Some service members take longer to promote than others. The best thing to do is celebrate when you are the one to get the good news and be humble when you see that your friend or neighbor has not.

3. Not All Military Housing Is Created Equal- When we moved into our orange duplex at our 2nd duty station in Germany, I cried. That house was amazing! And to think we got the house just because we moved to a new duty station, not because of rank or position. That the two homes could be so different was amazing to me. Some housing is much better than others and that can be a frustrating reality of military life.

4. Making Friends Isn’t Always Easy- As much as you want to find your tribe and your people, sometimes that will take longer than you want it to. Making friends depending on a lot of factors. From putting yourself out there to who is at your duty station. Don’t lose hope if you haven’t made friends at your new duty station yet, it might just take you a bit longer this time.

5. You Will Grow Without Your Spouse- During military life you and your spouse will grow. You will change. Everyone does. Sometimes this will happen when they are not home. During a year deployment, you can grow and change and because you have, life can be a bit of a challenge once your spouse gets home. Keep this in mind during the redeployment period and remember why you decided to be together in the first place.

6. Your Parenting Will Look A Little Different- Survival mode is very real and sometimes being in survival mode means you let things go and your parenting will change because of that. Try not to let this get you down, real life sometimes doesn’t mix with our ideals. Do your best and at the end of the day, give yourself some grace.

7. You Will Surprise Yourself- During the last 118years, I have done things I never thought I was capable of. I have been stretched and have become stronger because of everything I have been through. Military life will mold you into the person you are meant to be. And you will look back and might be surprised about everything you have had to go through to get there.

8. When Military Life Is Over, You Might Not Want To Leave- As much as you think you are ready to leave military life behind, doing so isn’t as easy as you think the transition will be. You might find yourself missing parts of military life and wondering why you and your spouse decided that chapter needed to be closed. You might get upset that your spouse had to leave because of medical issues. Give yourself time to adjust to the after military lifestyle.

9. The “Worst” Duty Station Might Be Your Favorite- There are a few duty stations out there that are talked about as the worst. Places you really don’t want to go and for a lot of them, there is a good reason for that. But sometimes, the “worst” duty station may be your favorite place. Maybe you have figured out how to bloom where you are planted or maybe you just made some amazing friends, but whatever reason you will always look back at that duty station as some of the best years of your military life.

10. Just When You Are Comfortable, Life Will Change- I was sitting at a friend’s house with about four or five friends. The kids were all playing nicely and we were having a good conversation. In the back of my head, I thought, “This won’t last forever.” And that was true. Within 3 years, everyone in that room has moved somewhere else. This is the reality of military life. People are always moving, either you or them. Commands change, deployments come and go. Just when you get comfortable, things change.

How long have you been a military spouse? What have you learned along the way?

7 Things You Don’t Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

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Does it feel like every other military spouse you know is doing something that you have no desire to do? Do you ever feel lost in a sea of other spouses? Sometimes we can get stuck thinking something is wrong with us if we are not military spousing like other people are. But the truth is, we should military spouse the way that works best for us, not everyone else. You be you.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

Here are seven things you don’t have to do even if other military spouses are doing them:

1. Shop at the Commissary and PX/BX on a regular basis

When we lived in Germany, shopping at the Commissary and PX was a must if we wanted anything American. In the states, things are a little different. Unless your duty station is in the middle of nowhere, there are a lot of other stores in your city to get the same type of things you can find at the Commissary and PX/BX. You don’t have to shop at these places if other stores work better for you.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

2. Drink wine

While it might seem like every other military spouse out there is drinking wine on a regular basis, I assure you they are not. Some spouses don’t drink at all. Some only do when they go out with their friends. “Drinking wine” has turned into a phrase that simply means, “letting loose and trying to relax.”

3. Live on post/base

We have lived on post, in government leased housing, and off post/base in our own home. If my husband was active duty, I think I would want to try living on post again. There are so many pros and cons to each decision based on where you are and what you want for your family. If on post/base doesn’t work for you, living off can be the right choice.

4. Be a SAHM

One of the stereotypes about military spouses is that they don’t work. But in real life, the military spouse world is made up of SAHMs, WAHMs, moms who work outside the home, and moms who also serve. While there are a lot of SAHMs in the military world, there are plenty of spouses who are working in a career or going to school to do so. And if you do want to be a SAHM, that is good too. There are so many reasons, and even seasons when being a SAHM is what makes sense for your family.

7 Things You Don't Have To Do Even If Other Military Spouses Are Doing Them

5. Send a lot of care packages

Care packages are a lot of fun and can be an excellent way to connect with your spouse overseas, but if they are not something that works for you and your spouse, don’t feel like you have to do them. For my husband, I usually would send him a care package when he would ask for something specific verses on a regular basis. If you are the type, who loves to send care packages, have fun and enjoy making them.

6. Hate the military

Sometimes I hate the military. Sometimes I love the military. It just depends on the day. If you don’t hate the military, that is okay. Not everyone does. And whether you hate the military or not might just depend on the year.

7. Hate your duty station

There are some duty stations that are more popular than others. Sometimes hating these not so popular places is the thing to do. You find out you are going there and everyone tells you how awful that place is. However, some people love unpopular duty stations. Maybe they just bloom where they are stationed; maybe the place just fits their personality. Whatever the reason, if you like your duty station, that is fine. Don’t let negative talk about the place get to you.

What would you add to this list?

What to Remember if Your Spouse Has To Deploy To A Dangerous Place

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What to Remember if Your Spouse Has To Deploy To A Dangerous Place

There have been times when my own husband has had to deploy to a dangerous place. When I heard where he had to go, my heart skipped a beat. How could I handle this? How could I get through? What if he didn’t make it back to us?

For thousands of years, military spouses have had to stand strong as their loved ones went off to war. To wars, they might not even understand. To wars that didn’t always make the most sense. To wars that seem so scary and unpredictable.

How do you deal with a spouse that has to deploy to an active war zone? How do you handle the fact that they are not going to a “safe” place but a more dangerous one? How do you make peace with your spouse going to war?

Here are five things to remember if your spouse has to deploy to a dangerous place:

This is what they are trained for

When you watch as your service member is packing up their bags, remember, this is exactly what they are trained for. That month they spent away from you this summer? This is what they were working on. As a soldier’s wife, I had to accept this, and doing so isn’t easy but once you do, life will become a little bit easier.

War is messy. War is difficult. We have no idea what to expect. We have no clue what is ahead. But we do know that our spouses are in an amazing military and when they have to go, they have to go. And in the end, we know, they are making our world a better place. They are not going into these situations uninformed, they are doing so trained and ready.

You are not alone

You are not the only military spouse having to send their loved one to a dangerous place. You are not. There are so many others in your shoes too. And many who have done this over and over.

You are not the only girlfriend who is crying in their pillow because they know the person they want to spend their life with has to spend six months overseas before that wedding day comes. You are not the only wife who will be scared that their husband might not make it home in time to see their daughter being born. You are not the only one scared of what could happen during the deployment.

There are so many others out there that have a spouse with a dangerous job. They understand how you feel. They know how hard saying goodbye can be. They have been there, and they are willing to help you as you work through your own feelings about your current situation.

Us military spouses are a community. We can support one another, help each other out, and be there when things get scary. We need to depend on one another because fellow military spouses are the ones who know what sending a spouse off to a dangerous place is like.

You can handle this

You can get through this. I don’t care where your spouse has to go, or how long they will be gone. You can get through this. I know it seems challenging and like your world is crashing in. I know when you see how many days they will be gone the deployment seems like forever, but you can handle this. Even if you have to do so one day at a time.

Look through my deployment blog posts, join my Facebook group, do a search for deployment posts on Facebook, and make plans with other military spouse friends. You got this!

This deployment won’t last forever

At the end of the day, when you do say goodbye, whether you had two months to plan or two days, know that the deployment will not last forever. Deployments are temporary. I know when my Grandpa left for WWII, he didn’t know how long he would be away. In the end, he was gone for three years.

These days are easier than that. These days you will get an end date. Even if that date changes, which it probably will, the deployment will eventually end. Remember that during your more difficult days. Remember, this too shall pass.

When your spouse has to deploy, you figure out your new normal. You figure out ways to get through, no matter how long they will be away. The deployment becomes your new normal, but they do eventually end.

The numbers are on your side

No matter where your spouse has to go, in today’s world, most service members come home. They do. While not everyone does, and that breaks our hearts, the odds are your spouse will return to you.

This is something I took a lot of comfort in. I told myself that most likely, my husband would be home with us again soon. That he would make it back. Wars didn’t always use to be this way, for some of them, the odds of coming home were pretty slim, but these days things are a bit different.

As a military spouse, you know that going to war is a part of the deal. That doesn’t mean saying goodbye will be easy or you won’t worry too much. That doesn’t mean that you won’t encounter unexpected challenges or worry you won’t be able to get through them.

As a military spouse, you wake up every morning and work to figure out how you will get through the difficulties that a deployment or future deployment will bring. You will find a way that works for you. You will figure out how to handle knowing where your spouse has to go. While you might never be able to be 100% okay with what they have to do, you will figure out how to support them and make it through your deployment.

How you do deal with your spouse having to go to a dangerous place? 

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

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The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

“You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have…Military life?” Totally! You see as hard as military life can be sometimes, as stressful as this life can be, there are good things that can happen. Great and wonderful things worth talking about. Here is my list of the 5 best things that can happen to a military spouse.

Getting Stationed Where You Want

There is nothing better than getting the notice that you get to PCS where you want to go. Whether that is a beloved overseas location or just being able to live an hour from home. You feel like you won the jackpot. So many times in your spouse’s career you won’t get what you want but when you do it is a good feeling.

So if you do get those orders, throw a party and start researching your new home. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy this. You never know where else the military will send you and this might be the one time you get to be excited about it.

Deployment Gets Cancelled

This hasn’t ever happened to us. It might be a unicorn but deployments will get moved around and sometimes they might even get cancelled. Or your find out your spouse doesn’t have to go. If you are in pre-deployment mode and are trying to come to terms with having to say goodbye, a cancelled deployment will make your day.

You will want to shout from the rooftops and celebrate the fact that things can be magical, even in military life. And if you are one of those spouses that has been waiting for years for your husband to deploy, consider yourselves lucky.

Amazing Housing

For the first two years we were in Germany we were in a two bedroom stairwell apartment. It was a nice little home but we outgrew the space quickly. We moved to another post in Germany and were given a four bedroom duplex. I remember when we first got there and I walked through the house, I cried.

The house was lovely and so spacious compared to what we had before. We had our own laundry room and two yards. It was amazing. If you have ever been in not so great military housing you know how awesome it can be when you love your new housing. Loving your home you really didn’t have much of a say in is a great feeling.

Making Best Friends

When you go through a deployment with someone or spend a lot of time with them trying to navigate the waters of military life, you become close. Closer than you would otherwise. You will make some of your best friends during your time as a military spouse.

They might move away, you might move away, but you will always have your memories of the time you spent together. You will always have a friend to visit or to call when you are having a bad day. Whenever I ask myself if it was a good idea for my husband to join the military, I think about the people I have met during this life and know I would not be the same without them.

Finding Purpose in The Military Spouse Community

Whether you are a big part of the FRG, whether you found a great career on post or whether you are the neighborhood planner, finding purpose in the military community is a great feeling. Knowing that you are able to give back and help people is such a good thing.

How you find that purpose will look a little different for everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t find it. You might feel lost when you first move to a new duty station but as time goes on you will figure it out. And once you have figured it out, it is one of the best feelings in the world.

What amazing things have happened to you during your time as a military spouse?

You Know You’re a Modern Military Spouse When….

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Military spouses have been around for a very long time. While to a certain extent “if the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one” is true, we have come a long way in what we have available to us as military spouses.

My grandma said goodbye to my grandpa for three whole years. The only way they could communicate was through letters. Think about that! They had to number them, so they knew what order they were written in. I love a good handwritten letter, but I can’t imagine that being the only way I could talk with my spouse, for years at a time.

So us military spouses today, I suppose you could call us modern. The millennial military spouse might work except some of us are a little too old for that title 😉 There is something different about this time period, and being a military spouse will look different in the future I am sure.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

So here how you know you are a modern military spouse…

~ You gave birth with your husband by your side, on your iPad, over video chat.

~ You make easy dinners with your Instant Pot or Air Fryer.

~ You met your husband online, while he was at his first duty station.

~ Your wife serves, and you stay home with the kids.

~ You don’t have to take all four of your children shopping by yourself as you are a big fan of having your groceries delivered.

~ You take your kids to the park so that you can get yourself a Starbucks, which is right next door.

~ You can take a call from your husband overseas from wherever you happen to be at the moment, no waiting at home until they call.

~ Netflix binge-watching is your favorite sport.

~ You take 1,000 photos whenever you do something fun, and your parents in California see them minutes later.

~ It’s been two days since you talked to your spouse and can’t believe it has been that long!

~ You learned about your future duty station, from a group of strangers you never met in a Facebook group.

~ You earned your BA in English while your spouse was in South Korea, all from the comfort of your home.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

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~ You love or even hate your FRG, but you do in fact have one.

~ You serve too, as you and your spouse met during basic training and now you are a dual military couple.

~ You have been guilty of oversharing on social media, but at least you are aware of the rules for OPSEC.

~ Amazon Prime is your favorite Transformer.

~ You depend on the friendships of others you have never met because they get exactly what a deployment is all about.

~ You have never met your boss in person. You live in Ohio, and they are in New York.

~ You can honestly say apps make the deployment a little easier.

~ You are in charge of the bills, which makes sense, since sometimes your spouse is deployed.

~ You didn’t have to pay for your breast pump, TRICARE gave you one after you had your baby.

~ You are a SAHM, a WAHM or you work outside the home. You do whatever works for you and your family because you can.

~ You wake up every morning, supporting your service member. Through the deployments, the PCS moves, and anything military life throws at you.

What makes you a modern military spouse???