Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

by 10 Comments

Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Giving birth when your spouse is deployed is common in the military spouse community.

If you walk into a room of Military spouses and ask how many of them have given birth when their spouse was deployed, you would get quite a few hands. It is something that has happened to a lot of us. Despite planning, a compassionate chain of command and a lot of prayers, sometimes the dads have to miss the birth. This just comes with being a Military spouse.

The reason I had to give birth without my husband was because I was due right in the middle of a deployment. He left in August and I was due in December. In some cases, they might let someone stay back for a birth. That was not the case for us that time. When I was due with baby #3, my husband did get to stay back because he was not allowed to deploy until November and I was due December 1st.

He just missed the birth

With my Germany baby, the child I had without my husband, I was expecting around mid-December. Considering my previous experience with my oldest son being born two weeks early, I anticipated an early delivery. We were hopeful that my husband would be able to be home for the birth as he was scheduled for R&R around the due date.

However, in the end, he didn’t leave Iraq until the day I gave birth. It took him a few days to get to Germany. He finally got to meet our baby when he was three days old.

Thank goodness for mom

Luckily I was able to have my Mom there with me. When I found out he might not be there in time for the birth, I asked if she could come out. Since we knew my other son was early, we had to plan on baby #2 being that early too and she came about 2.5 weeks before my due date.

In the end he was only born four days early. I almost think the stress of knowing my husband wasn’t leaving Iraq until later caused him to wait a bit longer to be born.

When your spouse is deployed, they may not make it in time

In some cases, the service member is not going to make it home for the birth or even be home for a few months after the birth either. This depends on the situation, the unit, rank and all of that.

During that first deployment, I had a few friends who got pregnant on R&R thinking their husband would be home in more than enough time to be there for the birth. In the end, the deployment was extended for 15 months total and the men were not allowed to go home to see their children being born. They got to meet them when they were about two months old.

If you think you might be in a situation where you will be giving birth without your husband, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Others have done it before and you will be able to get through it.

When you have to give birth without your spouse

  • Find someone who can attend the birth with you. Family member, friend and in some cases a doula can step in when your husband cannot be there. Find someone you trust that you want to be by your side. This will make a big difference and you won’t have to go through the birth alone.
  • Prepare yourself for the possibility. If your spouse just left and they tell you he can come back for the birth, don’t believe that 100%. Things always change in the Military. Promises can be broken. Nothing is set in stone until it happens. Tell yourself early on that if he can’t be there, you will be okay. Then hope and pray that he can be there. It is all you can do.
  • Use Video. We didn’t have this back in 2006 but these days women are giving birth while their husband is watching and cheering them on using Facetime or Zoom. Now this will take planning and help from the Unit but it can be done. Thank goodness for modern technology that this is even an option. Now a dad can help coach his wife through childbirth, even from overseas.
  • Take any help you can get.  When people find out that you are having a baby by yourself, they will offer to help you. Take them up on it. From watching your other kids to taking you meals. Don’t say no to this kind of help. You will need the help and be very grateful for it later.

As a Military spouse, you have to make sacrifices and giving birth without your husband could be one of them. Know you are strong enough to handle doing this and remember, you are not alone.

Have you had to give birth when your spouse was deployed? How did it go?

What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

by 1 Comment

What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

I saw them every day. I went to school with them. Military kids.

I remember driving on base to pick up a friend. I think the gate guards had to call her house to get their okay to let us in. This was pre-9/11 of course.

I remember hearing about how my friend’s dad always had to be away. I didn’t understand what that would be like. My dad was always home.

I remember my co-worker, sending letters to her military husband she had married over leave. How did she do that? How did she have a husband who lived half a world away? I remember her, “Half my heart is in Afghanistan” sticker on her car.

I was complaining to my mom about having to move yet again in my college years. She told me to think of all those military wives that had to pack up their children and keep moving every few years.

And then, in 2005…I became a part of this world. This military lifestyle that I had only seen glimpses of in my civilian years. A life that I didn’t even really know much about, even if I had seen a few war movies. A life that has surprised me in many different ways.

Now I am on the other side. There are so many things I want my non-military spouse friends to know. I want them to understand how things can be for us and what living as a military spouse is all about.

We know we are not the only ones who miss our spouses

As much as we miss our spouses, as much as how that part of military life is hard for us, we are aware that other spouses go through separations too. We know about truck drivers and police officers and firefighters and surgeons and contractors.

We know we are not the only ones missing the ones that we love. We might not be in a good place to hear about how badly someone is missing a spouse who is only gone for a week but even then, we can understand that when you are not used to being apart, it can be difficult. Talking about our military life struggles doesn’t mean we think we are the only ones going through this type of hardship.

We remember our pre-military spouse years

Unless you became a military spouse the day you got married, you will have lived as a civilian before military life started. You remember what it is like. You can compare the before and after.

People have said that military spouse life is the same as any other. I call BS on this. I remember what it was like before the Army.

These days, my life looks different than it did pre-Army, but also different than it did when my husband was active duty. There is a big difference between the two. It isn’t that one type of life is better than any other, but they are different, and saying they are the same does a disservice to both types of lifestyles.

Our marriages are not doomed

It’s way too easy to look at the hardships that military families go through and think that all of our marriages are doomed. This is not true. Sometimes the hardships make for stronger marriages.

Sometimes life outside the military is a reason couples break up. Sometimes people change. Sometimes this is because of the military.

We get jealous

It’s true. I am not going to lie. I have been jealous of non-military families. Of not having to send anyone to war. Of not having friends move away all the time.

I think this is natural. It’s what you do with your jealousy that matters. I can choose to be bitter about it, or I can try to work through it and not let it run my life.

Army wives is not reality

So many people ask if Army Wives the tv show is just like our life. No. It’s a TV show.

There are some truths to the show. There are some realities they got right but for the most part, especially after the first season, things do not seem like real life to me.

We are a diverse bunch

There are so many diverse military families and so many types of people who make up the military world. Some are pretty conservative, some are pretty liberal. Some are from a small town, some are from a big city.

Some have a lot of children, some have no children with no plans to add any in the future. The military world is such a mix of different people. There is not just one way to be a military spouse.

We will miss this life when it is over, even if we couldn’t wait to be civilians again

When it comes to getting out of the military, some of us are really excited about that. However, that doesn’t mean getting out is going to be easy.

We will miss parts of military life. We will sometimes wish we never had to leave. The post ETSing process can be very emotional.

We know you can’t fully understand and that is okay

We know that no matter how many times we explain our lives, or how many blog posts we write, you will never fully understand. And that is okay.

We can’t expect you to, just like we can’t totally understand any of the struggles you are going through that we haven’t experienced. That is life. And that’s okay.

We are thankful

When we know our civilian friends support us, we are thankful. We are thankful for any messages they give. We know they are looking at our lives from the outside but we are so thankful when we know people care and acknowledge what we are going through.

Even if we do get frustrated by certain comments, we know deep down they come from a place of thankfulness and we really appreciate that.

What would you add to this list? What do you want your civilian friends to know about military life?

Famous Military Veterans: Tom Selleck Served in the Military

by 1 Comment

Famous Military Veterans: Tom Selleck Served in the Military

Tom Selleck is one of my favorite actors! He is also a veteran, having served in the California National Guard.

The actor got rose to popularity after he played P.I. Thomas Magnum, in the TV show, Magnum P.I, which ran from 1980-1988. I remember watching a lot of Magnum P.I. on reruns in the 1990s and loved that show. It’s so 80s!

Today, you can find him on the show Blue Bloods, as New York City Police Commissioner Frank Reagan. Another great show about a family of police officers. Selleck plays a widow and father of the family. Actor Len Cariou plays his father on the show, even though the two are only about six years apart in real life.

You might also remember Tom Selleck in the 1987 comedy, Three Men and a Baby, or as Monica Geller’s love interest in Friends.

Tom Selleck was born in Michigan in 1945, and his family moved to Sherman Oaks, CA just a few years later. He started acting while in college and stared in a Pepsi commercial in 1967. He was also drafted into the Vietnam war the same year.

He joined the California National Guard and served from 1967-1973 in the 160th Infantry Regiment of the California Army National Guard. In fact, he even appeared on the California National Guard recruiting posters at one time.

In a quote on Military.com, the actor has said, “I am a veteran; I’m proud of it. I was a sergeant in the U.S. Army infantry, National Guard, Vietnam era. We’re all brothers and sisters in that sense.”

Tom Selleck is a big supporter of the military, and we thank him for his service. In 2009, he joined the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund as national spokesman for the new Education Center being built on the National Mall.

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

by 1 Comment

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

You don’t have to be a military spouse for too long to have had the military cancel your plans. Whether it is something small, like a date you had planned, or an appointment you needed them to be with you at, to bigger things such as a deployment changing its dates, or a move being delayed longer than you would like.

Over the years I have had to cancel so many things because of the military. This was even more true when my children were younger. I would have everything lined up, and boom, it all had to change.

So what do you do if the military cancels your plans? Tell the military they can’t do that? Oh, how I wish that was the answer…:) But really, what can you do? Here are a few ideas!

1) Journal it out. The military canceling plans is a big reason I think journaling is so important. Get your journal out and write about how frustrated you are. Write it all out. That will make you feel much better, I promise. And if you are looking for a journal, I have a few in my new SWCL shop!

2) Call a friend who gets it. This might be another military spouse who can understand your frustration or a nonmilitary spouse friend who has experienced something similar. Disappointment sucks, so find a friend who gets how frustrating this can be and someone you feel comfortable venting to. They might even be able to help you with #3.

3) Make a plan. This will be based on what the canceled activity or event is. Sometimes when the military changes things we have to restructure everything, other times we just have to make a few calls to make it work. But you will need to make a plan. Once you do, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

4) Reschedule, if you can. In some cases, you can reschedule whatever was canceled. Although you might have to wait a bit to do so. If you had to cancel a trip, think about when you could reschedule it. If you had to cancel an appointment, see when their next available one is. Try to remind yourself that you will get to do the thing you want to do, even if it is later than you thought it would be. Our June 2020 vacation was canceled because of military duties, but we took the trip in March of 2021 and had a great time.

I hate it when the military cancels our plans, even worse when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. A date change, an orders change, or any other change is enough to drive me crazy. I know I am not supposed to write my plans in pen, but I really can’t help it sometimes.

In military life, you have to always hope for the best, plan for the worst, and that isn’t always easy to do. I still struggle in how to balance planning a trip or other event with the fact that at anytime the military could cancel our plans. But, these tips really help me get to a better place, and to be able to have a more balanced life.

What are your best tips for dealing with when the military cancels your plans???

9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

by 6 Comments

9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

Growing up, I didn’t think a whole lot about if the person I married in the future would be in the Military or not. I was aware of the Military. My Grandparents had served, my Dad was in the Air Force before he met my mom. My mom even taught at a DOD school in Germany. I just never thought that would necessarily be something in my future.

I met my husband who had been in the Army before I had met him. I thought that was his past, not my future. Life is funny and about three years after we were married he re-enlisted and my life as a Military Spouse began.

Over the years, there have been plenty of difficult moments. Some days I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry about how hard Military life was. But overall, being a Military Spouse is pretty amazing and this is why:

1. You Meet Amazing People

During your time as a Military spouse, you will meet a lot of different people from all over the place. You will meet someone born and raised in Germany, in Korea, in Hawaii or anywhere else outside of where you grew up and they will become your closest friend. You might meet someone famous, you might meet someone political. There are so many opportunities to meet people when you are a Military spouse.

2. You Can Live in Amazing Places

Germany, Japan, Hawaii, Alaska, Colorado, Belgium, South Korea, Guam and Washington DC are just some of the amazing places you might get to live if you are a Military family. Going OCONUS or even living in a different part of the US can be such a great experience. You get to see parts of the world you never thought you would get to. It’s amazing!

3. You Can Learn a lot About Yourself

Being alone sometimes, having to make new friends more often than others do, having to adjust and be flexible are all a part of Military life. Through these experiences you can learn more about yourself and who you are as a person.

4. You Become More Independent

As a Military spouse, you have to become more independent. You have no choice. You will have to take care of finances, of the children, of the home. You will have to make choices that most couples make together. It feels so overwhelming sometimes but it forces you to become more independent which is a good thing. You can find a sisterhood

5. You Can Find Your Community

There is something about the Military community. Once you join it, you will always be apart of it. You will meet Military spouses in other places and feel like you have something in common. You will have friends all over the country that you can connect with.

One friend will move away and there is always the chance that another friend will move close to you again. Military spouses understand what the Military life is all about and can support each other, both online and offline. You never have to feel alone. You understand sacrifice

6. You Understand Sacrifice

Sacrifice can come in different forms but as a Military spouse, you will feel it. Your service member will miss out on important events like a birth or even a move. You will feel it then.

You will feel it when you say goodbye to them for a deployment and know they will miss your oldest child’s first day of Kindergarten. You will feel it when you can’t take them with you when you go home for Christmas. You will feel it if they come home injured or if they don’t come home at all. There is no way around sacrifice is you are a Military spouse.

7. You Will Grow as a Person Through the Good and the Bad

There is no double that life as a Military wife will change you. No matter what you go through, the good, the bad, the easy, the hard, you will change and grow as a person and that is always a good thing. Life will never stay the same as Military life is always full of changes.

8. You Will Never Look at Memorial Day the Same Way Again

Before Military life, I knew about Memorial Day but it changed a lot when I became an Army wife. I knew people who lost their husbands. I knew that what my husband did was dangerous. I knew what could happen. That changed Memorial Day from a day to honor other people to honoring people I knew. I will never look at that day the way I did before. I can’t. I have seen too much.

9. Your Kids Will Understand What it Means to Serve Your Country

There is no better way for a child to understand what it means to serve their country than to have a parent in the Military. They will grow up with knowing what that really means. There are many different ways someone can serve their country and growing up in the Military can help your children understand what it means to do so. Life isn’t always easy for a Military child but they will learn a lot and that is a good thing.

Why do you think being a Military Spouse is amazing? What would you add to this list???

The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

by Leave a Comment

The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

Spring is almost here, and with so much going on in our lives, it can feel like we need a practical military spouse guide to spring cleaning in order to focus on the tasks at hand. Whether you’re gearing up for a potential PCS in the coming year or simply aiming to enhance the livability of your current space, now is the perfect time to get things in order.

Here are some fun tips to help you with your spring cleaning:

  • Remove extra PCS stickers, you know you still have some from your last move. Unless you want to make a PCS sticker ornament.
  • Do you really need to keep those curtains? You haven’t used them in the last two houses, and they certainly don’t fit in this one.
  • Go and deliver those bags that have been driving around in your trunk after you did some Marie Kondo in your home a few weeks ago. It’s time for them to go.
  • Pretend you actually are PCSing, what should you get rid of? Would you really want to move with all of your current household goods? Is now the time to replace your old couches?
  • Focus on yourself sometimes. Are you getting enough me time? What can you do to change that? Self-care is important, especially if you are in the midst of solo parenting.
  • Find space for all that military crap. The living room is not an ideal place. Clean out a closet, or buy some extra storage. And quit tripping over those boots.
  • Go through your kid’s toys, get rid of all the broken ones, the Mcdonald’s toys, and anything they don’t care about anymore. The fewer toys they have, the easier it is for them to keep their room clean. Also, this is an ongoing battle that you will have to deal with for years.
  • Delete those emails from your old FRG, you don’t need them anymore. That deployment ended in 2019. If they are still sending them to you? Shoot them an email asking to take you off the list. You have moved on.
  • Do something with all those love letters. Put them in a scrapbook, hang them on a wall, or put them in a frame. They are special and should be celebrated. Unless they are super mushy romantic…then, keep them in your underwear drawer instead.
  • Donate those old ball dresses. You never go anyway. And if you do sometime in the future, you have an excuse to buy another dress.
  • Put up those photos you have been meaning to put up since you moved in six months ago. You know you want to, you have a lot of great ones from your past duty stations. Make time for this and your house will thank you.
  • Dust. I know, dusting sucks. Make your kids do it. Pay them in cookies.
  • Go through your makeup. That stuff doesn’t last forever. And isn’t it nice to buy something new every once in a while? Don’t forget your brushes.
  • Go through your books. Keep the ones you love, and pass on the ones you don’t. Save the deployment ones, you never know when you might need them again. Sigh.
  • Go through your DVDs. Can you find these movies on Netflix? If so, get rid of them. Except for the ones you always have to watch when they are deployed. You never know when Netflix will pull them and you always want to have them on hand.

Life is busy. We all have a lot going on. I hope this military spouse guide to spring cleaning your life can get you started in the right direction.

What do YOU like to do to spring clean your home? Any tips???

The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

PCSing with a Dog or Cat: Will the Military Pay?

by Leave a Comment

PCSing with a Dog or Cat: Will the Military Pay?

Are you PCSing with a dog or a cat? Will the military pay to move them?

PCSing is a huge part of your life as a military family. Whether you move every 2-3 years, or are able to stay at a duty station a little longer, moving is going to be apart of your life.

We all know that the military will move a military family once they get orders to their new location. However, does that include pets?

You Can Receive Between $550 to $2,000 as a Reimbursement

The answer is…yes, they will reimburse you for the expense of moving your pet. If you are PCSing with a dog or cat, you can receive either $2,000 for an overseas move, or $550 for a move within the lower 48. Remember that Alaska and Hawaii both qualify as overseas locations as far as the military is concerned.

It is important to remember that this is for one dog OR cat. Not both. This is a new benefit that started January 1st of this year, so if you do have more than one pet, you will need to pay out of pocket for them.

If you are ordered to evacuate from a foreign duty station, you are then authorized for transportation and quarantine fees for up to two pets, dogs, and cats.

Why Did This Benefit Get Added?

The Secretary of Defense, Lloyd J. Austin III has been in office since January of 2021. The Secretary of Defense is the principal assistant to the President in all matters relating to the Department of Defense and serves on the National Security Council.

Since Lloyd J. Austin III has taken office, he has worked to strengthen support for Defense Department personnel and their families under his, “TakingCare of Our Service Members and Families” campaign.

Jennifer McPherson-Todd, the Director of the Defense Travel Management Office commented, “DOD recognizes that pets can be a source of stability and security to service members and families who often move. Defraying the cost of PCS moves involving a pet acknowledges the role played by these emotional constants and will improve quality of life for the force.”

Getting ready for a PCS?: PCSing Anytime Soon? These Companies, Organizations, and Resources Can Help

Reimbursement When PCSing with a Dog or Cat

What travel costs are included in the reimbursement when PCSing with a dog or cat?

  • Quarantine fees
  • Mandatory microchipping
  • Boarding fees
  • Hotel service charges
  • Licensing fees at the new duty station
  • Shipping fees if the service member flies, rather than drives

What does a military family need to do to receive the reimbursement?

Make sure your orders are dated for on or after 01/01/2024. This is when this benefit started. Your service member will need to fill out form DD 1351-2. They must submit all receipts for the travel expenses and additional documentation may be required. The documation can differ by branch, for example, this is what the Air Force has put out.

You can also check out Pet Transportation Allowance FAQs and The Joint Travel Regulations.

Happy PCSing!

PCSing with a Dog or Cat: Will the Military Pay?

What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

by Leave a Comment

What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

I love finding military discounts. My favorite military discount is the one you can get at Disneyland. I feel like you are able to save so much money! Many different places have military discounts, from home stores to your favorite restaurants.

But…

There are some things that you should know going in where military discounts are concerned. Different businesses offer different types of discounts and knowing what they are is important.

Not all businesses offer them to spouses

One thing you should know is that not all military discounts are for military spouses, but many of them are. This can get a bit confusing. And sometimes this depends on who is giving you the discount on that day.

Usually, they will state that they only give the discount to the service member in the fine print. Typically, free meals on veterans day are only for the veteran. If you present your dependent ID and they let you know that the discount is only for the service member or veteran, be polite with your response.

Not all businesses offer them to the national guard and the reserves

This can get a little frustrating. Not all businesses give a military discount to the national guard or the reserves. However, in my own experience, most of them do. Again, this is where you want to check the fine print.

I would encourage any business giving a military discount to include the national guard and the reserves too. This part of the military often gets overlooked, even though they are also putting on the uniform, deploying, and spending time away from their families. While I understand sometimes they can’t extend the discount to that many people, adding this part of the military would be a nice idea.

You might not be able to use them on everything

In most cases, there is something you won’t be able to use the military discount on. Usually, buying a gift card, or certain products. Make sure to double-check if you are not sure. Sometimes, you can find out this information on their website or where they have the military discount posted.

You might be able to combine the military discount with another promotion

One reason you might not be able to use a discount is if you have a store coupon or if you want to use the discount for something that is on sale or clearance. However, there are some places that will allow you to do so. For example, at Rack Room Shoes, they offer a 10% military discount that you can use with BOGO 50% off deals, sales prices, other coupons, and promotional offers.

You should check your options when you do have to decide to see what can get you a better deal. While 10% can be nice, a business might have a coupon that is for 20% off that would be a better deal. With the Southwest Airlines Military Rate, you can often find a better deal with their Wanna Get Away specials available to everyone.

Not all locations have the same discount

Another thing about military discounts to keep in mind is that different locations for the exact same business might offer something different. For example, here in the Fort Campbell area, Cracker Barrel does offer a military discount but it isn’t that way everywhere. When I lived in Lexington, they offered one at their Chick-Fil-A but the ones here in Clarksville don’t.

In some cases, it is hard to get a clear answer on what their discount is because they often are up to the management of that specific location. Asking is your best bet because they know what they are going to do at your local location.

Sometimes the military discount isn’t advertised

While some businesses display that “10% off for service members” sign, others do not. Some places don’t even talk about the discount on their websites.

When in doubt, ask. That might be the only way to find out. And remember, just because the military discount isn’t listed, it doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

Where is your favorite place to get a military discount?