Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Children

Greg Lato, Navy Veteran, Family Music Artist, and Children’s Book Author Shares About His Inspiration For Latest Album

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Greg Lato

I am an award-winning family music artist and children’s book author who is highlighting and amplifying the voices of military kids and families with a special new project. I have recorded a children’s music album featuring songs inspired by conversations with military families. The experience of hearing their stories and what they go through was amazing! The album features military kids, active-duty musicians, and veterans.  

The album, titled ‘Dandelion: Songs Inspired by Military Kids and Families, ’ got its name because the dandelion is the official flower of the military child. It represents the resilience and adaptability of military children. The title track features a military kids choir from CAMMO (Center for American Military Music Opportunities) in Virginia. 

I am no stranger to military life, I was an aircraft firefighter on the flight deck of the USS Constellation aircraft carrier in the United States Navy for 4 years.   

As a military veteran, I have learned how important it is for people from many different backgrounds to come together in a meaningful and positive way to navigate change and accomplish a common goal. The song ‘Shine So Bright’ featuring military kids from Portsmouth, Rhode Island School highlights this idea that together we are stronger, it takes a village to be heard, and being brave is our superpower. Like military veteran and spouse Joshua Chiarini said during our conversation with his military family, “Freedom is not free!” The song ‘Bigger Than Me’ features the sentiment about being involved in something bigger than yourself. 

The journey that this project has taken me on has gone beyond my expectations. It has run the gamut of emotions from heartfelt to happy and everywhere in between. There are a lot of themes on the album that are central to the military family experience. Moving from place to place, meeting new friends, constantly being the new kid, dealing with a spouse and parent that is away, and the wonderful support system that they encounter wherever they go. Songs like ‘Home Is Not a Place’ and ‘Hi, I’m New Here!’, a duet with 14-year-old military kid Kaleyana Ludwig, highlight these common experiences. The song ‘Helping Out’, a duet with Iraq War veteran and fellow children’s artist Mr. Pete’s Playhouse, is about the kids helping to hold down the fort at home while a parent is deployed.             

For example, the kids in the Kiser and Rivers families have not stayed in one school for more than a couple of years. They were asked how they deal with the constant change in their young lives, and ultimately, what does home mean to them as a result of it? Whether it is keeping family traditions alive by bringing their Christmas decorations to each location, family game nights, or like Cecilia Rivers says, “Hearing the birds chirp wherever we have lived makes me feel like nothing’s changed.”     

For 11-year-old Elly Clague, who lost her Navy veteran dad to PTSD, she goes to the Dare to Dream therapy ranch, which she calls her ‘happy place’. Riding the horses and interacting with the animals brings her comfort. Elly says, “Getting to bond and hang out with animals, it calms me down and makes me happy.” The song ‘Smile’ was a result of this experience and features two active-duty Navy musicians, Michael Brehm and Justin Lockett, on horns.           

Some songs have nothing to do with the military experience specifically, but are more universal things that the families enjoy, just like any other family. The first single ‘Old School New School’ is about how the parents teach their kids about the old school, while the kids teach their parents about the new school. The music video features 14 military kids! 

My last album ‘Adults These Days’ reached the top 10 on the iTunes Children’s Music Chart. My first children’s album ‘Create My Own World’ has won a Family Choice Award and a Creative Child Award. My songs are featured on Apple Music playlists and have over a million streams! I have also released two children’s books, ‘Try’ and ‘Everybody Needs Someone’. 

Family Music Artist, Children’s Book Author and Navy Veteran Greg Lato

You can find more info about the project at www.greglatodandelion.com. My handle for all socials is @greglatomusic.

When You Are Raising a Military Child

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When You Are Raising a Military Child

They have had to say goodbye to at least one parent, not fully understanding when they will see them again. Not fully understanding where they have to go, or why they have to be away for so long. Not totally getting what it means to serve your country.

They have to say goodbye to the dad that makes them laugh, or the mom who helps them with their homework. To their protector, and one of the people they trust the most. And the goodbye is never an easy one.

They go through deployments, day-by-day, just like we do, but this life was never a choice for them. It was the one they were born into, and the life that they know.

They can get scared, and worried about their deployed parent. War is never easy to understand, and even harder for a child to do so. And as much as we are there to comfort them, we wonder if it is enough. We wonder how much missing a parent, for months at a time, will affect them.

This post contains affliate links!

Deployment Journal for Kids by Rachel Robertson!

They have to start over, every few years, when they might not totally understand why. When they don’t want to go. When you know they will be missing their friends for years to come.

They move with us, and have to start over just like we do. And if they aren’t the ones to be moving this year, some of their friends might have to. There will always be someone PCSing in their friend circle.

One minute they are playing soccer together, laughing about something little boys do. The next, their friend is on an airplane and your heart breaks when they ask if they can still come to their next birthday party.

Our military children, so strong, so resilient, and yet sometimes it feels like we can’t help them enough. That we can’t comfort them enough. That we, alone are not enough.

Some of us raising these kids were military brats and understand what this is like. These parents remember the moves and the goodbyes. Some of us never moved as a child, and always had a parent in the home, not even going away on a business trip. All of this is just a very different way to live.

Every time we move to a new duty station, we pray for friends for our kids. We pray for stability. And we hope for a good experience.

We think about everything thing our military children have been able to experience because their mom or dad serves in the military. We think about how they were able to visit over 10 countries before they even started kindergarten, or how they were born in another country, with stories and pictures to share for years to come.

We think about all the different people they have had the pleasure to meet over the years. They might not remember the family you spent so much time with when they were toddlers, but you do, and you will always have those photos and memories that you can share as your children grow older.

These military children might have to say goodbye more times in their short lives than you ever would have dreamed. But somehow, they get through each and every one. Somehow, you all work together. Somehow.

And while military life can be so difficult sometimes, these military children are the special ones. They are being raised by our nation’s heroes, are involved in such a diverse and amazing community, and will go on to do some amazing things in the future because of it.

Us military spouses are the backbone and the constant in their lives. We won’t deploy, and we will always be there to hold their hands. We can’t replace our spouse, nor would we want to, but we can be the bridge that helps them through, anything that comes their way.

We hope that when our children are grown, they will remember the good. The trip to Disneyland after dad’s deployment, the move to Germany on their 5th birthday, or the community of friends and loved ones that surrounded them when they had to be so far away from their own grandparents and cousins.

We hope that the scary times don’t overshadow the good ones. We hope that they become stronger through all of this. And we know that no matter what, we love them, their service member parent loves them, and the military community will always be there for them, no matter where they go in this world.

It Doesn’t Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Spouse Still Has To Go Away

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It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Raising children is one of those things you can’t plan for. You can decide when you want to start having children, but you don’t know when they will come, how many you will have, and what their personalities might be. One baby could be extra fussy and the other quieter. Your easy baby could become a difficult toddler and throw you off your game.

As a military spouse, military life can bring extra challenges. You might wonder if your spouse will even be there for the birth. You might have to say goodbye to them right as the terrible twos start or when you think you need them the most.

The military doesn’t take a pause when you are raising small children.

They won’t hold your spouse back just because you are having trouble potty training your child or because they are still wetting the bed longer than you thought they might. They won’t send them home early because your 1st grader is struggling with reading. They won’t stop the mission because a spouse needs a break from solo parenting.

You see, when you are married to someone who has joined the military, you have to give up your two parent household sometimes. And when that happens, it isn’t always going to be convenient. It doesn’t matter if you have small children, your spouse still has to go and might have to be gone for a while.

It Doesn't Matter if You Have Small Children, Your Husband Still Has to Go

Whatever the situation, as a military family, it will never seem like a good time for your spouse to go away.

You will always feel like you need them. And because of this, you can start to panic. But don’t worry if you do, that is normal.

In a perfect world, our spouse would never have to go. They would be there for every pregnancy craving, every birth, every newborn day, every toddler fit, and every time a child needed both parents in the house. But unfortunately, we live in a military world where they have to go and go often.

If you are feeling the panic of solo parenting, if you are not sure how you will make it through, or if you are worried about going through any stage with your kids by yourself, here are a few things to keep in mind:

You will get creative

One of the first things I have learned about solo parenting with small children is that you will have to get creative. You will figure out ways to make things work in your household. Your life will start to look very different than you thought that your life would, and that’s okay.

They won’t miss everything

Although it might seem like they are going to miss everything having to do with your children, they won’t. They will be home for some things. There will be block leave, where they could have up to a month off, just to spend with their family.

There will be early days, days off, and weekends. When they are home, they will be able to be apart of your family. Although it is so difficult to get over them missing a milestone or a moment you can’t get back with your children, it helps to know that they will be there for other things through the years.

You can find friends who get your life

Finding other military spouses with small children will help you get through the more difficult days of this life. Why? Because they get it.

They understand what having three kids, with no husband coming home at night is like. They understand why you can’t just pack up your one, two, and three years old and fly home for four days for Thanksgiving. They understand cereal for dinner. They get what you are going through.

There are resources to help you

The good news is that there are resources for you while your spouse is gone, and even when they are not. While you won’t be able to find all of these at every duty station, make sure you take a look and see what is going on where you live. Both on post and off.

MOPS, Playgroups, YMCA programs, CYS hourly care, FRG events, New Parent Support, Church groups, Library times, get-togethers with friends, and more can be exactly what you need when you are going through this stage of your life. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you can find things to help.

Is More Flexibility the Best Way to Go?

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This post is sponsored by the Breastfeeding Shop!

The Breastfeeding Shop

I became a SAHM when I had my first baby, almost 20 years ago. During those first few months I was able to spend most of my time being a mom to just him. I didn’t have any other children to worry about.

Fast forward about six years when I had my third baby. I also had a four year old and a six year old. And a deployed husband. Taking all three of them anywhere was a challenge. I literally had my hands full.

It was during those years where I would try to find ways to make life a litter easier. I used a front baby carrier to wear the baby leaving my hands basically free to help with the other two.

When it comes to baby products, portability can be so important, especially when raising multiple children. But there are other factors to think about. At the Breastfeeding Shop, you can find a variety of breast pumps, from a more traditional table top pump to a portable wearable pump. TRICARE covers different types of pumps so you can go with what will work best for you and your lifestyle.

The truth is there are pros and cons to both table top breast pumps and wearable ones. It will boil down to what works best for you. There is a lot to think about.

Benefits of a Wearable Breast Pump

A wearable breast pump such as the Momcozy M5 Wearable Double Breast Pump or the Medela Freestyle Hands-Free Breast Pump is going to be a much more portable option. Whether you need to pump on the go, at work, or just around the house, a wearable pump is going to give you the flexibility to do so. With a wearable pump you don’t have all the tubing and you don’t have to be plugged in to use it. The wearable pump also weighs less.

Benefits of a Table Top Breast Pump

A more table top breast pump such as a Spectra S2 Breast Pump or a Medela Pump In Style With Max Flow Tech Basic has its own benefits. These types of pumps might be best for those who are exclusively pumping. They have a stronger motor, and can fully empty your breast. They might be what you need to feed your baby.

A Free Breast Pump

If you are pregnant, or even if you have already had your baby, and you have TRICARE, you should be able to get a free breast pump from the Breastfeeding Shop. You can qualify for a new breast pump for each and every birth event. That means you either gave birth to a baby or have adopted one and plan to breastfeed them.

The Breastfeeding Shop is the best place to order your free breast pump and supplies from. The Breastfeeding Shop is a family owned business who offers a range of supplies for whatever a new mom or a breastfeeding mom needs to nourish their babies.

To get your breast pump with insurance, you can fill out a form right on the Breastfeeding Shop website. Make sure you have your prescription handy. While they can contact your doctor to obtain it, providing it yourself will make the process much easier.

They have many different breast pumps to choose from. So whether you decide on a wearable breast pump for flexibility, or would rather have a more traditional pump, you can get something perfect for your baby and your lifestyle.

Preparing For Baby With a New Breast Pump

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This is a sponsored post!

Preparing For Baby With a New Breast Pump

Having a baby changes your life, whether they are your first child or your fifth. Whenever you add to your family, you change the dynamic and end up asking yourself the question, “What do I really need to prepare for this baby?”

When we got pregnant with our third child, we had a three and five year old, and didn’t have a lot of baby stuff. We had gone through a few PCS moves since they were babies, and had gotten rid of a lot of baby items. We had to ask ourselves, what do we need and what can we live without?

I remember going to yard sales, letting family know what we needed, and shopping for sales to find a few deals. There is a lot to do to get ready for a new baby.

You probably need to buy a crib for them to sleep in, diapers and wipes, and of course a carseat. You also need to think about feeding the baby. What will you need to make breastfeeding more successful? A nice nursing chair, and a quiet space is important. Buy beyond that, you could get a breast pump.

The good news is, as a military spouse or service member with TRICARE, you do not have to buy a breast pump. That’s right. TRICARE covers breast pumps. One for each and every baby.

Although this benefit started after I had my last child, I know it would have been an amazing thing to have had back when I was getting ready for my babies.

TRICARE will cover a breast pump, breast pump supplies, and breastfeeding counseling at no cost to the mom.

Who qualifies for a breast pump?

All TRICARE eligible female beneficiaries with a birth event qualify for a breast pump. A birth event is a pregnancy or someone who legally adopts and plans to breastfeed. This is valid for each baby you may have. All TRICARE plans and all sponsor status qualify for this benefit.

What about breastmilk bags and accessories?

In addition to the breast pump, you will also receive 1 breast pump kit per birth event. These other accessories are also included in the benefit:

  • Breastmilk storage bags – 100 bags come with the pump and you can get 100 more every 30 days.
  • Standing power adapters
  • Locking rings
  • Bottles
  • Bottle caps
  • Valves/membranes
  • Supplemental Nursing System (SNS)
  • Nipple shields/splash protectors

You can qualify for more quantities of supplies with a prescription from your doctor when medically necessary.

The Breastfeeding Shop ships across the United States, and Overseas APOs, FPOs, and DPOs.

Where can you get a breast pump and order supplies?

The best place to order your free breast pump and supplies is from the Breastfeeding Shop. The Breastfeeding Shop is a family owned business who offers a range of supplies for whatever a new mom or a breastfeeding mom needs to nourish their babies.

They have a wide range of breastfeeding accessories, products, storage products, breast pumps, breast pump accessories, and more. They ship throughout the US, as well as overseas locations with APO, FPO, and DPO addresses.

What breast pumps does the Breastfeeding Shop offer?

You can head on over to their Breast Pump page to see what they have to offer as far as breast pumps for military moms. They have many to choose from based on your needs and what you are looking for in a breast pump.

How do I order my breast pump and supplies?

To get your breast pump with insurance, you can fill out a form right on the Breastfeeding Shop website. Make sure you have your prescription handy. While they can contact your doctor to obtain it, providing it yourself will make the process much easier.

If you are expecting a new baby, you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the decisions you need to make. If you are curious about a breast pump, take the time to head on over to the Breastfeeding Shop. They should be able to help!

And remember, you can qualify for a new breast pump for each and every birth event.

7 Things You Can Do With Your Kids When Your Spouse Isn’t Home On The Weekend

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7 Things You Can Do With Your Kids When Your Spouse Isn't Home On The Weekend

When your spouse is away, the weeks might be a bit easier for you if you have small children at home. They have school or playdates. You have your routines. You have things to keep you busy.

However, once the weekend comes, it might just be a different story. Having your spouse gone during the weekends whether they are deployed, gone for training, CQ, or have a job that takes them away is very difficult. What works during the week might not work on Saturday and Sunday.

Most of the time, the weekends are family time. From BBQing to going out to eat together to exploring your city, for most people the weekends are time off from work and a time to connect as a family. With social media, you are very much reminded of this, even if you don’t want to think about it.

The key to getting through a deployment is staying busy, but the weekends can be a bit of a struggle with finding the balance between staying busy and not doing too much. You might have kids that need some downtime from a busy week. You might need that downtime to sit and chill.

Finding that balance isn’t always easy and finding at least one or two things to do during the weekend is probably a good idea during any time of separation with little kids. They need to get their energy out in some way.

Here are some great ideas for activities you can do with your kids if your spouse is gone on the weekends:

1) Get together with a friend whose spouse is away too. This can be hard when you don’t live in a Military town but still, ask around. Someone’s spouse could be away for work or for some other reason. Some spouses work weekends and although they are home at night, they can’t make any plans with them either.

Getting together with a friend is also a great way for your kids to stay busy and have fun with other children. Invite them over or get together at a park to keep it simple.

2) Attend a community event. Every community usually has something going on you can go to. Here in the Ft. Campbell area, there are usually at least 2-3 events going on either on post or off that we can choose from. Sometimes they can get canceled for the weather but more often than not there is always somewhere fun to take the kids. Even if you go for just an hour or two, getting out of the house and into the community can be worth it.

3) Go for a long walk or bike ride. This can usually be done as a solo parent depending on the ages of your kids. If they are young enough, put them in a stroller and go. I once went on a 5-hour walk when my boys were very young and just took them out in the double stroller. Five hours was a bit much but that long walk was a great way to pass the time. We saw so many fun things along the way.

4) Dollar Store Shopping. I did this during Spring Break but doing this can work on a boring weekend too. Give each child $1, take them to the dollar store and let them pick out something to play with. Giving them that money gives them a chance to make a decision, it’s a lot of fun and then they will be busy the rest of the afternoon or even into the next day. Usually, the toys they pick won’t last too long but they only cost a dollar.

5) Go to the movies. This one can get a little more expensive than you might want. If you are lucky enough to have a cheap theater in your area, take advantage of it. Find a movie that all of your children will enjoy and go. The kids will love getting out to the movies and you can help keep the “I’m so lonely and sad” feelings away.

6) Call your mom or a friend. Sometimes when the weekend gets too hard, I like to call my mom. She can always make me feel better and catching up with her is always a nice thing to do. If you can’t call your mom, try a friend or another family member. Even if you just talk for a little bit, the conversation can change the tone of your whole day.

7) Go to the park. Parks are really the best when you have little kids. Most parks are free. If you live on post, you already know you have access to many of the. Don’t forget the snacks! Your kids can get out their energy, and maybe even make friends. And you can always stop for ice cream on the way home.

I hope if you are feeling the lonely weekend coming on you can pick something from this list to keep you going. Bring a camera with you and take some pictures to share with your service member. You all will have fun and they will enjoy seeing what you guys have been up to while they are away.

Do you struggle with weekends too?

Parenting Your Teens Through a Deployment

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Happy to have this guest post by Becca! Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station reviews.

Parenting Your Teens Through a Deployment

Being a military spouse is a hard job. Being a parent of teens is even harder. When deployments come, and you’re left to parent teenagers on your own, it can feel like going into battle with only a popsicle stick as a weapon. Teenagers aren’t as scary as they sound, as long as you know what to do when the going gets rough. Deployments represent an extraordinary chance to connect with your teens and strengthen your bond.

A Note About Teenagers

We were warned about the teenage years. Everyone told us they would be terrible – that our kids would run amok, be defiant, and skip school. While those things do sometimes happen, I’m here to tell you that, by and large, teenagers are awesome. 

In their teen years, our kids grow into themselves. We get to see glimpses of the adults they will become. It’s a wonderful time for meaningful conversations about life, the world, and your child’s place in it. And let’s not forget that teenagers are self-sufficient: they sleep until noon if you let them, do their own laundry, and once they get a driver’s license, you can have them stop at the grocery store on the way home from school. 

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses. Teens face very real, very scary problems: societal pressures, mental health challenges, bullying, drugs, alcohol, sex. I’d take potty training and tantrums any day over having to navigate some of the issues my teens have faced.

Being a Teenager in a Military Family

Military kids aren’t immune from typical teenage problems. In fact, they face even greater challenges because they are military kids: constantly moving from one school to the next, saying goodbye to friends at a pivotal time in their lives, and living without one or both parents for months on end. During a deployment, those typical teenage problems seem even more significant to our kids. 

As the parent left behind, we often take on the brunt of their pain, anger, and sadness. Guiding teenagers through a parent’s deployment can feel like a monumental task, but it is not impossible. With enough careful planning, love, and outside support, you can help your teens cope during a deployment. 

Take Care of Yourself First

We hear it all the time as military spouses: you have to take care of yourself first. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” they tell us. “You have to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” All cheesy cliches aside, self-care is vital, especially during emotionally exhausting times of life. Teenagers can be super wonderful most of the time, but they are also challenging at others.

Your energy isn’t infinite. To have enough energy to support your teens when they struggle, you have to recharge first. Start by carving out some time for yourself. 

Keep Them Talking

Teenagers might act like they don’t need us (and they might even believe they don’t). However, in these formative years, parental guidance is crucial. When one parent is deployed, half of our kids’ parenting support system is gone for months at a time. 

Be intentional about creating and maintaining open communication. Getting a teen to open up about thoughts and feelings isn’t always easy, but the tips in this link can help you start a dialogue. Let them know that you are a safe space, that your teen can tell you anything, without judgment – and mean it. 

Secondly, before a deployment, have your spouse create a communication plan with your teen. Maybe it’s an online game that your teen and your spouse can play together across the miles. Perhaps it’s a weekly phone call solely between your spouse and your teens. Encourage your kids to keep a journal of things they want to tell their deployed parent. Then, during that scheduled call, they’ll have lots to talk about.

Encourage External Support

Teens value the opinions of their peers. Often, they’ll listen to their peers long before they listen to adults. The trick is to guide your teens toward healthy, positive friendships that strengthen their mental and emotional health.

Military kids face specific challenges that only other military kids can truly understand. If your child doesn’t have any military-associated friends, encourage them to seek out groups of military peers. Connecting with other military kids can help your teen feel less alone. 

If your child struggles to find others who understand, suggest the following:

  • School groups with like-minded people. Many military communities have after-school programs that connect military kids.
  • Contact the School Liaison Officer on your campus. This person can help direct your child towards support programs for teens with deployed parents. 
  • Online groups, such as Military Kids Connect. Many teens feel more comfortable opening up online than they do in person. Of course, be sure to monitor these online groups and ensure everyone stays safe.

If your child is genuinely struggling with mental or emotional health, contact your medical professional. You might also reach out to on-post mental health services, such as the completely free Military and Family Life Counseling (MFLC) representative on your installation. Some locations have MFLCs that work specifically with children and teens. Many therapists off-post also take Tricare insurance, giving your child access to a great network of mental health professionals at no cost. 

Stay Busy

During a deployment, days can often feel twice as long. Staying busy helps the time pass quickly, and it helps keep you and your teens connected. Sit down together and brainstorm ideas for a “deployment bucket list.” Include places to go, things to do, and unique experiences to do together while your spouse is deployed. Then, choose at least one item from that list to complete each week.

You can also encourage your teens to stay busy with after-school activities, sports, time with friends, and pursuing new hobbies. Fill your days – and theirs – with mental stimulation and physical activity. Staying busy not only helps the deployment go by faster, but it also gives you and your teen an outlet to release your emotional and mental stress.

Lower Your Expectations

We sometimes forget that our teenagers aren’t mini-adults. They’re still kids. And they’re kids dealing with very real emotions about their deployed parent. Cut your kids some slack during deployment and lower your expectations. Mental health is always more important than an “A” on the science test.

Even in the best of circumstances, parenting teens can be tough. Adding a deployment to the equation sometimes makes it feel impossible. Take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself. And love your kids hard. Eventually, that deployment countdown will hit zero, and you’ll be a stronger family because you faced this hardship together.  

Becca Stewart is an Air Force Spouse, mother of two, freelance writer, and sufferer of Wanderlust. Originally from Colorado, she enjoys anything outdoors, especially if there’s snow involved. She is a travel fanatic, always looking for her next great adventure. As a full-time writer, Becca works closely with several nonprofit organizations and is a passionate advocate for human rights and military families. She is Mom to two incredible kids, one teen, and one young adult. Together, they’ve been through four deployments and countless TDYs.  Learn more at writebecca.com.  Website Facebook LinkedIn

A Fight Against Sexual Assault On Military Children 

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A Fight Against Sexual Assault On Military Children 

By: Jusika Martinez | Website | Twitter | Facebook

Many great leaders say, “leave a community better than you found it’. But what does that really mean? Does it mean unchanged big ways? I’ve learned over my journey as a military spouse that unless you make big waves, changes don’t actually happen; this is across all of the branches and within all of our communities. 

This article to you as a fellow spouse is me making an intentional wave. In hopes of making sure our communities are a little more educated and a little more aware. Aware and educated about what? Well, that some military families face crises inside our community sometimes due to other military members or their families’ actions. 

Before I tell you about how I became educated in all of the rules, regulations, and oversight, I want to take you back to 2018. I was the volunteer President for our Enlisted Spouses Club. I was intertwined with many of the First Sergeants at the Air Force base we were stationed at. I helped these First Sergeants operate moments of kindness for their squadrons and prepare for seven separate memorial receptions for the 7 Airman we lost in 10 months.

My favorite part of it all was that I helped them connect to spouses within their squadron and around the base. I was also a Master Resilience Trainer creating the spouse initiative at our base. I worked remotely as a Digital Marketing Manager and freelanced for local churches in our community. 

During 2018 I became weary of the isolation that remote life can create; I felt like I never left my house… just zoom call after zoom call. In August of 2018, I decided that I would find a job outside of my remote position. This meant that our then 2-year-old daughter would need full-time daycare.

Due to my daughter’s age, I had been able to balance working, volunteering with part-time care, and my active duty spouse’s help. I knew that finding a job would take some time because that local area was not keen on hiring military spouses due to the length of time spouses typically were stationed there with their active-duty members. Thankfully by November, I found a position as a graphic designer at a cause marketing agency. I was excited to be there and to start this chapter. 

To follow the rules and the regulations of our military installation where I lived, I enrolled our child in a Family Childcare Home; commonly known as an FCC Home. It wasn’t the Family Childcare Home that I wanted, but the other person’s license and background check were delayed for some reason, but since it was regulated by the Air Force I thought that I could trust for care, even if it wasn’t the one I preferred.

In mid-December, while at work getting ready to pitch a marketing campaign, I received photographs taken by a third party through the FCC provider’s Facebook messenger. When I saw these photos, my stomach sank. My child was re-dressed in brand new clothing that I was unaware of, hair was redone, and she was posing with the FCC provider in her pajamas.

I took a deep breath, and I texted my spouse and showed him what I got, and he said: “no, that feeling and concern is right.” We then removed our daughter from this FCC provider and kept our daughter home to monitor her. After two weeks of watching and trying to decipher all of the signs of dysregulation, screaming, violence, needing significant reassurance, and inappropriate sexual behavior meant. We called our civilian pediatrician, who then recommended taking her to the local emergency room. 

Once upon arriving at the E.R., the nurses listened, and then the local sexual assault victims advocate and police came. I repeated our concerns and where they stemmed from, the things we’re seeing, and then a medical examination happened. A few hours after arrival, we left with discharge paperwork, victim resources, and a police report number.

Since it was late, I did not read the paperwork. I just carried my kid in my arms out to my car out past the women’s ward where we brought her into the world almost three years prior. Wondering what the purpose of this visit was because it didn’t really seem to do anything except to give me the paperwork.

Why did I tell them my concerns? Why did I let them into the nightmare we had been watching and living in just to get some paperwork? Where was the immediate help in stopping the games that she was playing or the things she was doing to herself? The next day, I stopped and read the papers we were given — sexual assault by bodily force by caregiver.  

Those words changed everything.  

Had I known what we were going to walk through the next 24 months, I would have said “no way.” I then googled signs of sexual assault on young children. Check, check, check, check, check — how did I brush some of these off as fixable or adjustment? And wait, this doesn’t happen in our military community. Not only did our case get reported to the local police, but it was also shared with the military investigative agency because of the interagency agreement. 

This is where I have to pause with just sharing what we lived because we went through a lot after our young daughter’s case was reported and it was a lot for any family to endure while dealing with such trauma. From harassment to intimidation to downright not being believed. And I was desperate to get help for our daughter and her experience.

After I was laid off a few weeks later for not being able to be at work due to trying to find our child services, I took to social media, and I received a call on my personal cell phone from the then Command Chief citing my social media post was “unsubstantiated.” Which made zero sense because we had the medical evidence and my child’s inappropriate sexual actions and the traumatic games she would play. Once I laid everything out, I was told I would get a call back. One week later, this Command Chief retired, and I never heard from Senior Leadership again. 

This is where I now have to make a wave and educate you on some of the rules and regulations that I have uncovered in the last 24 months through an Inspector General complaint and multiple conversations with those above that installation leadership. Some of these educational moments were brought to us by our daughter’s Special Victim’s Council, and some were discovered after talking to other command chiefs after we left the base we were stationed at. 

Throughout all of this, the word unsubstantiated stuck with me. How could we have the medical paperwork that we did, and it be unsubstantiated? 

At the time we were told that for the investigative agency to open a case, they needed three things… a victim’s statement, photographs or video of it happening, and a medical examination. Since we did not know better at that time or have these three things, a case was not opened, which meant no one was investigated or charged. At that time we were just left to pick up the pieces of our child and our lives that had shattered because of what happened and the issues she was continuing to experience. 

After some investigation, we found out the following items: 

  1. The victim’s statement was not taken due to our child’s age which at the time was 3 years old. The investigative agency declined to interview her because of her age. We were told that the military investigative agency does not interview children under the age of 3, and in our case, their notes show that they did not contact a headquarters subject matter expert on conducting an interview on children. 
  2. The photographs or video that the investigative agency told us they needed to open a case was false information. 
  3. The investigative agency and special agents were not educated on how to handle child sex crimes and the notes that were taken do not describe the actual items that our child was going through. 
  4. The medical examination was not believed by the investigative agency and since the local police went off the investigation that the military investigative agency did the local police found no reason to pursue an investigation due to lack of being a violent crime. 
  5. The investigative agency acted out of standard operating procedures by discussing our case with military family agencies that were not involved nor would ever be involved in handling our child’s case which lead to disinvites for speaking requests from those family agencies for me.
  6. The investigative agency acted out of standard operating procedure when they told the Family Advocacy Program to stand down. 

We have since asked that a curriculum on child sex crimes be built for the military investigative agency so that when they handle such crimes, they are equipped to handle them. 

We also learned that our child’s case was not entered into the Family Advocacy System of Record and it was not reviewed by the Clinical Case Staff Meeting meaning a Central Registry Board (CRB) was not opened. And separately a Family Child Care Panel was not held regarding the sexual assault, only the unconsented photographs. 

So, let’s take a moment to break this down. Since the Family Advocacy Program did not look into a maltreatment case reported to them it was not entered into a system called the Family Advocacy System of Record meaning that the next step of a Clinical Case Staff Meeting did not happen which means a CRB did not hear the case.

What does a CRB do and who sits on the CRB? The CRB is chaired by the vice wing commander, and membership includes the staff judge advocate, security forces, Office of Special Investigations, Family Advocacy officer, command chief master sergeant, and the member’s unit commander. The CRB hears cases of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and neglect. There are strict guidelines and criteria for determining whether or not an allegation meets the Air Force definition for maltreatment. Once information on the case is presented, a show-of-hands vote determines whether or not a non-accidental act was committed, and if so, whether or not there was a significant impact from the act. The findings are entered into a DoD Central Registry database maintained by Brooks City-Base. 

The support of the Family Advocacy Program would have meant that the case would have been heard and our daughter and we would have had the tools to handle the emotional and mental health issues our daughter was experiencing. The opening and hearing of a CRB would have potentially stopped this FCC provider from opening at another base, and it would have unlocked additional base resources for us as parents.

But it didn’t happen, because we were not believed. We eventually collected ourselves enough and got our child into therapy at the local advocacy facility that helps treat children and their families who have experienced childhood sexual abuse through a state-funded victims grant. The interview to get her into therapy itself was a feat; we had to sit through a nearly two-hour interview explaining our family makeup and all that had happened. We basically had to relive what had become our worst nightmare. 

In our journey, we also learned that the Family Childcare Homes are licensed by the military branch they work under, not the local state. What does that mean for us as customers of the FCC homes? Well, when the state oversees daycares, they publicly publish the issues found upon inspections. With the FCC homes, those inspections just sit in a file in a desk on the military installation. As a parent, you will never know the issues this provider has had or were found upon inspection.

In all of this, we also realized that there isn’t a safe way to report sexual assaults on young children. 

In adult cases of sexual assault in the military, there is Restricted Report and Unrestricted. For children, there is not that. There is no organization or form to start a report. 

So as you can imagine you or your child’s privacy isn’t protected and in our case, it led to an extreme mishandling of our daughter’s case. For us, those who were interviewed by the military investigative agency were sharing that we came forward with a false report of sexual assault, and many in positions of authority were sharing our child’s private information about her sexual assault to their personal friends. Many did not and do not understand that no evidence is different than not enough evidence to proceed. Her Special Victims’ Counsel attempted to get this to stop and there be an understanding of this, but the leadership of the people doing it became complacent and continued to allow it to happen, leaving us unprotected. 

Earlier I mentioned our Special Victims Counsel — What is a Special Victim’s Counsel? It is a program developed by the military that is a military attorney who specializes in representing victims of sexual assault, sexual misconduct, stalking, and other similar crimes. Not anyone can get an SVC. You have to go through an application system, and you are not always granted one, but our daughter was. The SVC helped us as the parents of a minor understand the rules and regulations and what we could or couldn’t do. 

They helped my spouse request a humanitarian assignment because, at that time, Active Duty members could not get expedited transfers if their dependent was sexually assaulted. The request in itself was another lesson that we had to learn. 

Due to our daughter’s medical needs, they turned the humanitarian assignment into an EFMP assignment. 

We’ve heard of the medical EFMP issues, right? We had no idea how bad it was until we experienced it after all of the trauma that we went through. The local EFMP allowed us to PCS to another base with two possible therapists for her.

When we got there, we found out that one of the therapists they recommended saw sexual offenders, and the other didn’t exist. We ended up going through and calling 150 therapists in the “surrounding” area to find zero services. And after 5 months of searching, we ended up driving 150 miles weekly for therapy for her.

Thankfully, after ten months of a heated exchange with the local EFMP, they were able to reassign us to another base thanks to the AF & EFMP HQ because there were zero therapy services within the local area and none out of the network that Tricare could enroll. 

Having this type of crisis and trauma and additional EFMP issues was a difficult season of life — it’s not one that we’ve entirely made it out of, but we’re now in a spot where we can find a sliver of clarity to understand what our child and our family has lived these last 24 months. That sliver of clarity is helping us inform you of what we’ve lived through and what the current rules and regulations are.

I know that some will say in the comments, “make a congressional complaint or “go to the Inspector General,” they will fix it. Well, we have. Our congressmen told us they couldn’t investigate this, so to use the Inspector General. At the end of May of 2019, we submitted a 13-page complaint. This complaint was later broken into two cases — one at the local level and one through the military investigative agency.

For the local level one, we waited 19 months for it to conclude; to only be told the provider took unconsented photographs and everything else was done “right”. For the military investigative agency case, we were basically told: “our hands are tied, and everything was done right.” Until I got a call after requesting the FOIA. Then we’re then told that the case notes did not match what was happening in many ways the investigative agency acted outside of the “standard operating procedures.” 

Some will say, “go to a military non-profit that advocates and lobbies for change.” I have, but our situation doesn’t align with their ‘military family issues” or was viewed as “just a west coast issue, not one that is really “rampant” in our military.” 

A fraction of these issues we have lived through are in the 2021 NDAA in section 549B, I know, but it isn’t enough. Because It primarily covers the tracking of these cases. “Tracking it” will only be for the families they (local leadership/FAP/the military investigative agency) deem it for. Like in our case, we had medical evidence, but the military investigative agency said they didn’t have the “items needed” to consider a case to investigate and the Family Advocacy Program stood down. 

And to be honest, the tracking isn’t enough. There needs to be justice and resources for families before we fix the unemployment and underemployment issues because if our kids aren’t safe, then our careers won’t matter.  

As of right now, the military investigative agencies should not be handling child sex crimes. Because not all are not educated or trained in it. Child victims and their families need to be listened to and treated without bias.

There also needs to be a vast understanding of trauma and childhood mental health needs of child victims and what type of medical needs they will have after such trauma. The families should never be blamed or accused of “making the Doctor check the sexual assault box.”

Additionally, there needs to be more regulations on these in-home FCC daycares. Right now, with how the military investigative agencies rules are written with needing video or photographs to open an investigation and these homes not being required to have video, then the military itself is establishing a very viable breeding ground for these cases. They are not offering even a sliver of possible justice, especially when we do not have parents who have been educated on the signs of sexual abuse and assault. 

The bottom line though is if families aren’t believed, then tracking doesn’t matter, especially if there is no consequence for the offender or support that fully understands what trauma does to a child and what the family goes through in these types of painful crises. 

If military leadership and others empathized, lived, or tried to understand the pain that comes with a traumatized child that cannot verbalize their trauma, they would never begin to think that a family would choose this road that comes after such a tragic crisis.

 
Which is why I have founded Operation Addi to help push forward policy and program asks for military children who are victims of sexual assault or abuse. Because our children’s safety and healing matters. You can view the current policy and program asks here.