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5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day at the End of a Deployment

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5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day

From the moment your service member leaves for a deployment, you start thinking of homecoming day. You dream about that day, you plan for it. You spend hours looking for the perfect dress, the perfect sign and you want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

I have experienced four military homecomings plus all the random times we reconnected after a time apart. When I flew into Germany I was nothing but exhausted after the long flight with my toddler. Still, seeing my husband again after 4.5 months was everything. This was the first time we had ever been apart and we were finally back together again. I didn’t have a sign, I am not even sure I cared what I was wearing but I was back in his arms and everything felt normal again.

When it comes to homecoming day, it is way too easy to become too stressed out about everything that needs to happen.

Here are 5 tips for a better homecoming day:

1. Remember, the dress is for you- Picking out that perfect outfit for a homecoming outfit can be a lot of fun. You spend a little more money than you normally would, and you get to go shopping with friends and buy something special that you will always remember as your homecoming outfit. However, I don’t think what you wear matters to most of the service members coming home from a deployment. They want to see you. They want to hug you. They want to be home. The dress is for you and if you are too stressed about what to wear, don’t be. Pick a nice outfit and you will be fine.

2. Make a to-do list- Preparing for homecoming is all about having a to-do list. There are things you will probably want to do right before they come home. From having the carpets cleaned to figuring out what your kids will wear. Make a good to-do list and stay on track. This will help with your stress level. Know too that you probably don’t have to do everything on your to-do list but having one will keep you busy and keep you from overstressing in the last few days.

3. The simple things are the important ones- Remember, you just need to know where to go and what time, everything else is just extra. Your service member is excited to be home and to see you and your children again. Try not to stress if one of your rooms isn’t clean or if you couldn’t get the right type of beer for your husband.

4. Times and dates will change often- Times and dates for homecoming can change and you might not know for sure until just a few hours before. I really had no idea that my husband would be in one afternoon until he called me from Canada. Try to go with the flow and remember OPSEC!

5. Homecoming is good but can be hard for some- Homecoming can be one of the best days, but for some, homecoming is a day when the reality of war hits. Coming back from a war zone can bring up a lot of different emotions. Both for you and your service member. You are used to being the only adult in the house, they are used to being around other service members all the time. They have been through things us spouses might not be able to imagine. The reintegration period isn’t easy and knowing that you might need some extra help after homecoming day is important.

The good thing is that there are resources out there to help. Here are a few worth looking into:

Military One Source

Real Warriors

IAVA

Operation Homefront

Reboot Combat Recovery

Are you getting ready for homecoming? What has helped you to stay sane during the last few weeks of the deployment?

10 Things to Remember, When You Are Married to a Service Member

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Are you married to a service member? Going to be? Military marriage can be very difficult sometimes. There are extra stresses those who are not associated with the military don’t have to worry about. Here are 10 things to remember as you start your life together:

10 Things to Remember, When You Are Married to a Service

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Be there for each other- This is the #1 thing you can do. Just be there. Over the course of your marriage, each of you will need each other in different ways. Checking in with one another is a great way to learn what is going on with your spouse and figuring out what they need from you at the moment.

Don’t assume anything- Assuming will get you into trouble. If you are not sure about something, just ask. This is your spouse, you should feel comfortable doing so. This is why communicating is so important.

I think a lot of our struggles over the years have come from assuming different things about each other. The more we talk about how we are feeling about what is going on in our lives, the better we can move forward.

Don’t get jealous- This is hard, especially if your spouse is gone a lot. Other people get to be in the same place as your spouse and you don’t get to be. Try not to let it bother you.

Talk things out if something doesn’t seem right. Remember, they are married to you and that is who they will be coming home to as soon as it is possible to do so.

Know your love languages– If you haven’t read the book already, the Five Love Languages is a great way to get to know your spouse. My husband and I have different love languages. Knowing this makes things a bit easier because I understand how he feels loved and how he shows love back. They also have a Five Love Languages Military Edition.

Put yourself in their shoes- This is always a good thing to do. You never know what someone is going through or if you would act the same way if you were in their shoes. When your spouse is deployed, try to imagine what they are dealing with. To have to leave home for so long, trusting you to handle everything from children to finances to your home. It is a strange thing to think about sometimes.

Remember to trust– I really believe that in order to get through a deployment you need to have a lot of trust. I see trust as this invisible thread that connects you. You just have to trust your spouse even when they are across the world. Without that trust, everything falls apart.

Hold hands- Keep holding hands, kiss often, give each other hugs. Doing this will bring your closer and remind you of when you first met. This is a simple way to show your spouse you are still in it with them.

Date- Regular dates with your spouse are a great idea but they are not always possible. Sometimes they are just gone too much or working all the time. Other times you have small children and finding a babysitter feels impossible.

Do what you can to date your spouse. Make a lunch date while kids are in school, plan a nice dinner after the kids go to bed, go on a walk with your baby in a stroller. Think about the different ways you can have a date even if it isn’t on a regular basis.

Tell them you love them- Don’t ever stop telling your spouse that you love them. Say these words before you hang up the phone and before you go to bed each night. Write them a love letter. Speak their love language so they always know that you care.

Be silly with each other- Laugh, flirt, be silly when you can. There is something about laughing together with my husband after all these years that I just love. Even through all the stresses in life, I am thankful we can still laugh with each other.

What is your best marriage tip?

Military Spouse Employment Matters to the Military Spouse Community

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Military Spouse Employment Matters to the Military Spouse Community

Yes, Military Spouse Employment is Important

The beauty of 2023 is that remote work is a lot easier to come by than it used to be. Many companies that had never considered having remote workers in the past were forced to do so in 2020 and have chosen to stick with remote work for the long term, at least on some level. Remote work is a huge plus for military spouse employment.

I work from home and while I had been doing this before 2020 hit, I am glad to see so many others being able to figure out how to do so. Remote work can be great for military spouses, and the flexibility is one reason why. You can be your own boss and go to the entrepreneur route, or work for a company from home.

From those early days as a WAHM, I learned that working from home was definitely all about balance. I needed to figure out how to get all my work done and take care of the baby and the house. A lot of lessons were learned along the way.

And THEN my husband joined the military. Was this going to be an adventure? I wasn’t so sure but I was ready for the life change. We found out he was going to be stationed in Germany.

Europe…of all places!

I was SO excited about this new path we were taking, even though I was pretty scared about all the details and what it would take to get there. In the end, it took us about 4.5 months to join him over there. And I had to give up my eBay business.

Now, at the time, I was glad for the break. I didn’t have to worry about filling orders anymore. I could focus on our move and our son. But in the back of my head, I couldn’t help but think about what I was giving up.

This little business, that I had worked so hard on, had to be put up. At least for the time we were overseas. Why? Because of SOFA and what they allowed and didn’t allow family members to do while living in another country. We couldn’t use the APO mailbox for anything business-related.

When a service member is trying to decide to reenlist in the military, a big factor is the health and well-being of their family members. One big part of this is military spouses and their own career paths. We all know that military life means sacrifice.

We know that military life means having to move often, running the household alone at times, and giving up some of what we want to do, even temporarily. But we also know that being able to chase our own dreams is important which is why military spouse employment matters.

According to the Military Spouse Chamber of Commerce, the military spouse unemployment rate was 22% in 2021. That means that out of the 1 million military spouses, 1 in 4 are unemployed. To compare, the national unemployment rate in 2021 was 4.83%.

As you can see, military spouse employment is an important issue. One that many military spouses have been concerned about for a while. Whether you are a military spouse entrepreneur, having to make changes you don’t want to make to go with your service member to their next duty station, or a military spouse trying to find yet another job, hoping and praying you find something that pays more than $11/hr, military spouse employment issues are important to you.

Volunteering

Volunteering is so very important, it really is. And military spouses do volunteer well. But a question we need to ask ourselves is, is the military depending on volunteering vs offering paid positions? Do people think that military spouses are okay with working for free, filling spots that could otherwise be paid because volunteering is the norm?

If you ask any senior spouse, they will probably tell you of a time when they felt like they are expected to lead some type of group or event simply because of who they are married to. We always say the military is the service member’s career, not the military spouse’s. But then, the culture of military life is that some spouses are expected to step up into these leadership roles.

What if the spouse works full-time? What if they have other obligations? What if they just don’t want to fill that role?

Location-Based Issues

Sometimes a military spouse moves to a new place, and they either can’t find a job or their job literally doesn’t exist there. This can be very frustrating and again, the military spouse has to make some hard decisions.

Should they put that part of their life on hold? Should they stay behind? Should they pivot and try to turn this frustration into something else?

What can be done about this? Sometimes it can feel like the only jobs available are retail and that isn’t the solution for every military spouse.

Employers Won’t Hire Military Spouses

A question that seems to come up in some military spouse groups I am in is if you should mention anything about being a military spouse on your resume or in an interview and the answer is always a big NO. Don’t do it. They don’t need to know this information and in many cases, they won’t hire you because of the fact that you are a military spouse.

But the scary reality is, as soon as a possible employer hears that you might not be sticking around longer than 2-3 years, they might just write you off. They don’t even want to take the chance. But this makes finding the right job when you PCS more difficult, even if you are qualified for that position.

What is the solution to the military spouse employment issue?

What if things could change for the better? What if we could get that military spouse employment rate down? What if military spouses could thrive in their careers during military life instead of feeling as if they can’t possibly move forward while their spouse is actively serving?

There are certain things the government can do. There are things the military can do. There are things we can do to get this figured out. To get military spouse employment to a better place.

We can share our stories, and find out what worked for other military spouses.

We can pay attention to upcoming legislation and changes that have to do with military spouse employment, such as the Military Spouse Hiring Act.

We can start asking more and more questions about what the military community can change and what we can do in the future to make things better.

What about you? What has been your experience with Military Spouse Employment? Have you been able to further your career during military life? What has worked and what hasn’t worked for you?

18 Inspiring Quotes To Help You Get Through a Deployment

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Over the years military life has changed. From the way you PCS to how TRICARE works. But one thing that always seems to be true is that service members will get deployed.

While things are different than they were back when my husband re-joined the military in 2005, military spouses are still saying goodbye to their loved ones for deployments, and other times apart. Military spouses are still having to live without their partner for months at a time. Military spouses are still having to figure out how to get through deployments.

Sometimes, hearing a good quote or truth about military life can be just what you need to get through a difficult deployment day.

Here are 18 quotes that can do just that. I hope that they help you get through the next day, next week, or even month of your deployment. I hope that you can remember them during your more difficult days, and be inspired.

Deployments are not easy, and we could use all the help we military spouses can get to get through them.

The end of a deployment is a good time to try something new. A new hobby, a new habit, or a new way of doing something. Mix it up a bit, that will help the time go by a bit faster.

Sometimes you have to take your current struggle one day at a time. Other times you have to take it an hour at a time.

The best types of friends are those who let you vent about deployments, bring you boxes when you PCS, and help you laugh about life as a military spouse.

You will find that the first and last month of the deployment are the hardest. Do what you can to make it through the deployment days and homecoming will be your reward.

Whenever I feel like I can’t accomplish something, I think about how I solo parented three children, for nine months, and only lost my mind, 55.5 times.

Military spouses are strong not because we are made of something else. We are strong because we have to be. Because history wanted us to fill this role and we decided we could do it.

We wait, we love, we hope, we pray…until they are back in our arms again.

Take your deployment one week at a time…one day at a time…one hour at a time.

You might go a few weeks feeling like you got this and then hit a period of time when you feel like you can’t. The important thing is to “just keep swimming.”

Don’t base the status of your life on a bad deployment day. Those days come and then they go. They do not last forever!

When time stands still, think of something to focus on. Go for a walk, dive into a book, or call a friend. You got this!!!

Use a deployment for a time to explore. Get out and do something you and your kids have never done before. Don’t be afraid to make memories. Don’t be afraid to have fun just because one parent is away.

Solo parenting got you down? Pick your cure: 1) A tub of ice cream, 2) a glass of wine, 3) a binge-worthy Netflix show, 4) all of the thee above x 2.

Not all military children handle a deployment in the same way. You know your child, do what is best for them.

The pre-deployment period is going to be stressful…make time for one another, be understanding, and try not to worry too much about the future.

Roses are red, violets are blue, deployments suck, that much is true.

Don’t ever think you have to be the “perfect” military spouse. Be you. Life is easier that way.

If you have just started a deployment and feel a bit lost, remember you are not the only one going through this. So many other military spouses have done the same.

What helps you the most when you are going through a deployment?

13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

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13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

With a deployment in the future, you could be a little worried about your marriage. You have heard the stories, you just don’t know what being away from one another for an extended period of time will be like.

How will your marriage get through this? Will you come out stronger on the other side?

Here are 13 super smart marriage tips for military couples during a deployment:

1. Communication is important

Although you won’t always be able to talk to one another because of the mission, communication is important to do when you can. This might mean writing emails or sending text messages. Do whatever you can to stay connected over the miles. If you do have to go a longer time without talking, writing actual letters can be a way to “talk” to your spouse when you can, and then you can send them when you know they will be able to get them.

2. Don’t one-up one another about who has it harder

You could go back and forth about who has it harder during a deployment. The truth is, you can’t compare. You are each going through a difficult situation and need that grace from your spouse to understand. Don’t one-up each other, it’s not worth the fight.

3. Remember, the military has to come first

The military comes first. This is the way that the military is. You have to accept that and move through the difficulties that come with military life.

You have to find ways to cope and handle being apart. Your service member can’t come home early from a deployment because you want them to, you just have to stick things out. And while this can be so difficult sometimes, remember that this is just the way the military is can sometimes help.

4. Don’t hang up on each other, and if you do…

Don’t hang up the phone on one another, even if you are angry. If you do in the heat the moment (which happens) send a quick email or call back if you can. Hanging up that way isn’t good when talking on the phone is the biggest part of your relationship.

5. Don’t feel like you have to talk for hours every day

You and your spouse don’t have to talk for hours every day to be connected. When you do, you run out of things to say. Sometimes a simple 15-minute phone call is all you need to say “hi, I love you” and check-in with one another. You can also keep an ongoing list of things to talk about since the last time you chatted.

6. Don’t stay in your house all of the time

Don’t stay in your house all the time. Make plans. Stay busy.

Your service member will want to know you are still living your life, even if they are away. And getting out there will make time go by a little faster. While being at home can be comforting, try to get out at least once or twice a week.

7. Talk about money before they leave

Make sure to talk about money expectations before they leave. How much will they have to spend overseas? How much will you have to spend on the kids? What will you be saving for and what will you do with the extra money that you receive?

Money can be a big stressor. When you are living apart and running two different households, being on the same page with money is even more important.

8. Remember why you love each other

At the end of the day, remember why you first fell in love in the first place. Remember your first date, the first time you said I love you, and the first time you knew you would get married. Remembering who you guys are together is important.

9. Watch a show together

Watch a TV show together and then talk about what happened in the episode over the phone or even in an email. This will allow you to connect over a shared experience.

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10. Read a book together

Like watching a TV show, you can read a book together and discuss what is being said. A marriage book can be a good idea too such as The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. Doing this can help improve your relationship.

11. Talk about your day

When you are able to talk on the phone, share your day with them. Let them know what the kids have been up to. Email photos of you and the kids. Your service member should want to hear about what you all are up to back home.

12. Write love letters

Write paper love letters to one another and send them in the mail. Getting letters from home is the best for our service members and also an enjoyable thing to get in the mail for those of us back home. You can pour out your heart and let your spouse know how much you care about them.

13. Look at the deployment as a temporary thing

Remember, deployments are temporary, and while they can be difficult for a military marriage, they don’t have to define your marriage. They can make your marriage stronger. You just have to get through them, even when they feel like they are neverending.

What marriage advice would you add to this list?

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

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What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

There are a lot of preparations that need to happen before a service member deploys. He or she will go through a lot of pre-deployment tasks from packing their bags to paperwork within their units. They will have bags ready to go weeks if not months before they leave.

And as time counts down to the start of a deployment, you are working hard to keep things together and to prepare yourself for their departure. As you do this, there are some things you should probably talk about with your spouse before they go. Some of these are difficult to talk about but they need to be done before they leave.

Here is what you and your spouse need to talk about before they deploy:

What you will do

Talk about what you will do during the deployment. Will you go home for the deployment or stay put? If you do go home, when will you leave and how will you get there? Will you go before they deploy or wait until after the deployment starts? Who will you stay with and how will that change how you budget?

If you are going to stay, what will you do with their car? Will you put the car in storage or plan to drive it every so often? Will you visit home while they are gone? Will you visit anyone else? Talk about all of these things, so you two are on the same page about where you will be when they are deployed.

And whatever you decide to do you need to make sure you notify the Command/FRG with your updated address. They need to know this information before you go.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Their wishes

This is the hardest thing you will have to talk about with your spouse before they go. Is their will updated? What do they want to have happen if something does happen to them? Have you talked about where they want to be buried, what they want to have at the service, and any other wishes they might have about this?

You also should talk about your options, where you might go, what would be best or even that you have no idea what you would want to do. Talking about this type of thing is hard. Most military spouses are only in their 20s and 30s, and this isn’t something that generally comes up until later on in life. But as military spouses, who send our loved ones off to war, we need to have these discussions.

POA expectations

Make sure you get a POA (Power of Attorney) before they go. You will need a general one; you might need a limited power of attorney. If you have plans to buy a car while they are gone, you might need to get a limited/special POA for that. Think about what you might need and discuss all of this together.

Communication

How will you communicate? Will they expect a care package every so often? Will you want a letter once a week? Talk about expectations before they go. While you might not know for sure how often they will be able to talk with you before they get there, talking about what you both expect is important.

Some service members are better at communication while overseas than others. If communication is hard for your spouse, make sure to talk about what both of you can do to make being away from one another easier. This will help with hurt feelings and not knowing why you are not hearing from your spouse as often as your friends are.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Deployment pay

What will you do with the extra deployment pay? Do you know how much it will be? If your spouse is in the National Guard or Reserves, what will the pay compare to what they are making now? Budgeting is always important, and budgeting for a deployment is a must.

If you do get extra money, will you use it to pay down debt, put it into savings, or for something else? What will your “fun budget” be? Will that change now that they are gone? What about your grocery budget? When one adult moves out for a time, that can change a lot.

If your service member gets BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) right now, that could stop if they deploy. This seems to be something that is based on the deployment. Sometimes they pull the BAS, other times they don’t. Make sure to keep that in mind as you are making up your deployment budget.

Talking about what you will be doing with your money while they are deployed will allow you two to be on the same page. This will help down the line as both of you will know what you can spend and when you could be overspending. If you have the same financial goals, you will be more likely to achieve them.

While there is no way to prepare for a deployment 100%, make sure that you do have these discussions so that you can start off the deployment on the same page.

What do you and your spouse make sure to discuss before they deploy?

The Rocky Road Ahead For a Military Spouse

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The Rocky Road Ahead

She is standing there, looking at the rocky road ahead, unsure what is next and what the future will look like. Such is the life of a military spouse.

He got his orders and is packing his bags, how are we doing this again? How is it time?

She promises she will be strong, she has done this before, she can do it again. She will conquer this rocky road ahead.

He has heard the rumors, but now he knows they are true.

She will be leaving soon, a few months earlier than they thought. How will he make it through this deployment? The one he thought he would be prepared for, but now feels like it never will be. That rocky road ahead.

As military spouses around the world know, there is good and there is bad when it comes to military life. There are the highs and there are the lows. There are easier times and times when it feels like the road is a little too rocky. When it feels like it is a little too much to endure.

We do what we can when we are faced with this rocky road. We depend on our friends and hope and pray they will understand all the emotions we might have in the next few months.

We work to stay busy but sometimes even that isn’t enough. And sometimes the busy is what causes the stress, and we have to pull back. We have to work to find that balance that seems almost impossible to find.

We pull the tools we have used in the past out of our deployment tool kit and pray they will work again. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don’t.

We want to believe we can get through anything, truly anything that rocky road brings, but somedays we are unsure we can.

We take the good and the bad and hope that overall we can smile more than shed tears. We hope that we can laugh more than feel defeated. We hope that we can depend on one another when times get a little too hard.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse or a more seasoned one, we all feel that pit in our stomachs, when the orders come, when the date fall, when the buses leave.

We miss them when they are gone, but also understand why they had to go. We make plans to enjoy the time apart but hope that time goes by quickly and doesn’t drag on too much.

As military spouses, we are presented with that rocky road ahead so many times. It might be looking an overseas PCS in the face, or it might be a deployment that came out of nowhere. It might be struggling with a loss in the family, or trying to find your way back after a difficult season.

As military spouses, we also know that we can find the strength to get to the other side. We know that we have done it before, as so many others have done too. We know that we might need to take it one day at a time, but that soon enough we will be at the end, ready for the next season of our lives.

What is your biggest military spouse struggle? What do you do when you are faced with it?