Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their service member has to leave for an extended time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?

The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

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The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

“You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have…Military life?” Totally! You see as hard as military life can be sometimes, as stressful as this life can be, there are good things that can happen. Great and wonderful things worth talking about. Here is my list of the 5 best things that can happen to a military spouse.

Getting Stationed Where You Want

There is nothing better than getting the notice that you get to PCS where you want to go. Whether that is a beloved overseas location or just being able to live an hour from home. You feel like you won the jackpot. So many times in your spouse’s career you won’t get what you want but when you do it is a good feeling.

So if you do get those orders, throw a party and start researching your new home. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy this. You never know where else the military will send you and this might be the one time you get to be excited about it.

Deployment Gets Cancelled

This hasn’t ever happened to us. It might be a unicorn but deployments will get moved around and sometimes they might even get cancelled. Or your find out your spouse doesn’t have to go. If you are in pre-deployment mode and are trying to come to terms with having to say goodbye, a cancelled deployment will make your day.

You will want to shout from the rooftops and celebrate the fact that things can be magical, even in military life. And if you are one of those spouses that has been waiting for years for your husband to deploy, consider yourselves lucky.

Amazing Housing

For the first two years we were in Germany we were in a two bedroom stairwell apartment. It was a nice little home but we outgrew the space quickly. We moved to another post in Germany and were given a four bedroom duplex. I remember when we first got there and I walked through the house, I cried.

The house was lovely and so spacious compared to what we had before. We had our own laundry room and two yards. It was amazing. If you have ever been in not so great military housing you know how awesome it can be when you love your new housing. Loving your home you really didn’t have much of a say in is a great feeling.

Making Best Friends

When you go through a deployment with someone or spend a lot of time with them trying to navigate the waters of military life, you become close. Closer than you would otherwise. You will make some of your best friends during your time as a military spouse.

They might move away, you might move away, but you will always have your memories of the time you spent together. You will always have a friend to visit or to call when you are having a bad day. Whenever I ask myself if it was a good idea for my husband to join the military, I think about the people I have met during this life and know I would not be the same without them.

Finding Purpose in The Military Spouse Community

Whether you are a big part of the FRG, whether you found a great career on post or whether you are the neighborhood planner, finding purpose in the military community is a great feeling. Knowing that you are able to give back and help people is such a good thing.

How you find that purpose will look a little different for everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t find it. You might feel lost when you first move to a new duty station but as time goes on you will figure it out. And once you have figured it out, it is one of the best feelings in the world.

What amazing things have happened to you during your time as a military spouse?

You Know You’re a Modern Military Spouse When….

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Military spouses have been around for a very long time. While to a certain extent “if the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one” is true, we have come a long way in what we have available to us as military spouses.

My grandma said goodbye to my grandpa for three whole years. The only way they could communicate was through letters. Think about that! They had to number them, so they knew what order they were written in. I love a good handwritten letter, but I can’t imagine that being the only way I could talk with my spouse, for years at a time.

So us military spouses today, I suppose you could call us modern. The millennial military spouse might work except some of us are a little too old for that title 😉 There is something different about this time period, and being a military spouse will look different in the future I am sure.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

So here how you know you are a modern military spouse…

~ You gave birth with your husband by your side, on your iPad, over video chat.

~ You make easy dinners with your Instant Pot or Air Fryer.

~ You met your husband online, while he was at his first duty station.

~ Your wife serves, and you stay home with the kids.

~ You don’t have to take all four of your children shopping by yourself as you are a big fan of having your groceries delivered.

~ You take your kids to the park so that you can get yourself a Starbucks, which is right next door.

~ You can take a call from your husband overseas from wherever you happen to be at the moment, no waiting at home until they call.

~ Netflix binge-watching is your favorite sport.

~ You take 1,000 photos whenever you do something fun, and your parents in California see them minutes later.

~ It’s been two days since you talked to your spouse and can’t believe it has been that long!

~ You learned about your future duty station, from a group of strangers you never met in a Facebook group.

~ You earned your BA in English while your spouse was in South Korea, all from the comfort of your home.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

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~ You love or even hate your FRG, but you do in fact have one.

~ You serve too, as you and your spouse met during basic training and now you are a dual military couple.

~ You have been guilty of oversharing on social media, but at least you are aware of the rules for OPSEC.

~ Amazon Prime is your favorite Transformer.

~ You depend on the friendships of others you have never met because they get exactly what a deployment is all about.

~ You have never met your boss in person. You live in Ohio, and they are in New York.

~ You can honestly say apps make the deployment a little easier.

~ You are in charge of the bills, which makes sense, since sometimes your spouse is deployed.

~ You didn’t have to pay for your breast pump, TRICARE gave you one after you had your baby.

~ You are a SAHM, a WAHM or you work outside the home. You do whatever works for you and your family because you can.

~ You wake up every morning, supporting your service member. Through the deployments, the PCS moves, and anything military life throws at you.

What makes you a modern military spouse???

 

Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

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Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

“You knew what you were getting into”

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time, you have heard someone say this. This phrase comes from civilians, military spouses, and military service members. I don’t like it.

My response to this is, no, we didn’t know what we were getting into. 

You see, us military spouses, we know there will be time apart, we don’t know how lonely that can be.

How quiet the house can get when you are the only one in it. How you will crave the little daily chats, you used to have with your spouse, and how sad you can get when you think about those moments.

We know we will have to move often, but we don’t know how hard it will be to leave someone that is like a sister to us.

The person we spent last Christmas with. The neighbor who helped us when our son was in the hospital. The friend that we could talk to about anything. The person that became closer to us than anyone else ever had.

We know there will be deployments, but we don’t know how they might break us.

How we might get so overwhelmed with them that we can’t imagine going through another one, even though we know that with our spouse’s job, that will be our reality.

We know there might be children, but we can’t know what their struggles might be or what having one parent gone all the time will be like.

We can’t predict what raising a child on the autism spectrum will be like when your other half is gone for a year at a time. We can’t know how drained we will feel as a SAHM, even though that is what we always wanted to do.

We know that we might have to sacrifice our careers for theirs, but we don’t know how hard that can be or how long we have to wait on our own career goals.

We can’t know if we will be in a state where we can work using our degree or if we will have to settle for something else because that is all there is. And then have to deal with the emotional toll of all of that.

We know this life will be a hard one but what that looks like, how we will be able to get through the difficult days, and what the years our spouse will serve will look like is a surprise. 

Life is filled with surprises. This is true for everyone, military or not. What you thought your life might be like will look different than what happens.

No one knows what they are getting into. No one can predict that. No one can be 100% ready for what this military life brings.

Even if we did know what we signed up for, that doesn’t mean we can’t vent a little on our more challenging days, cry into our pillows when we just can’t take anymore, or simply ask for help because everything is just too overwhelming at times.

Before you say, “You knew what you were getting into,” think about your own life and all the ways things turned out differently than you thought they would.

Be compassionate to the military spouse that is having a more difficult time. Understand that everyone handles deployments differently. Know that some of us ask for help because we are trying to better our situations, not because we want to fail.

Military spouses are strong but only because we have had to become that way. Through trials, challenges, and the surprises that military life brings.

What has been your biggest military life challenge?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

Beyond Old Navy! 6 Stores That Offer a Military Discount On Clothing

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Beyond Old Navy! 6 Stores That Offer a Military Discount On Clothing

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I have been shopping at Old Navy since I was in high school. My whole family can find something there, which is super handy. They also have a military discount! If you also have a growing family, being able to save money on clothes is a must, especially if your kids are at the age where they are growing all the time. My 12 year old is going through this so I am always looking for a good deal on his clothes!

Old Navy, and its sister stores the Gap and Banana Republic aren’t the only clothing stores with a military discount. Here are a few more to check out the next time you are at the mall:

Columbia

Columbia Sportswear began by selling hats, yes hats! They were called the Columbia Hat Company after the Columbia River and were founded in the 1930s. They became the Columbia Sportswear Company in 1960, which is what they are called today, offering sportswear including jackets, shirts, sweaters, and more. You can save 20% with the Columbia military discount.

J. Crew

J.Crew was started back in the 1940s as Popular Merchandise. They kept that name until 1983 when they became J.Crew. You can find clothing for women, men, and for children at J.Crew and you can save 15% with the J.Crew military discount.

Hanes

Hanes was founded back in 1900 as Shamrock Knitting Mills, (I love learning these old names for companies), and the Hanes Corporation began in 1965. Hanes is a great place to find pjs, sweatshirts, and underwear for you, or your while family. You can save 10% with the Hanes military discount.

Buckle

Buckle started as just a men’s clothing store a few years after World War II ended as Mills Clothing. The company introduced woman’s clothing towards the end of the 1970s. The store became The Buckle, Inc, which is what it is called today, back in 1991. At Buckle you can find jeans, tops, shoes, dresses, shorts, and more for men, women, and children. You can save 10% with the Buckle military discount.

Under Armour

Under Armour is a bit newer having been founded in the mid 90s and was started in the owner’s grandmother’s basement. He got his start when he wanted to make a t-shirt that stayed dry like his shorts did using moisture-wicking synthetic fabric. The cool thing about Under Armour is that sometimes they offer a 40% military discount. At the moment, the Under Armour military discount is 20% but keep an eye on it because it might go up when you are ready to shop.

Lululemon

Lululemon was founded in 1998 with its first store opening a couple of years later. The owner, Chris Wilson, has been credited with creating modern yoga pants. At Lululemon you can find yoga pants, tops, shorts, sweaters, and more. The Lululemon military discount will save you 15%.

Looking for other military discounts? Check out A Big Long List of Military Discounts for Military Spouses for more military discounts for all types of retailers, including amusement parks.

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

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I Can't Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I woke up this morning to see the article, I Can’t Cope Without My Husband, And I’m Comfortable Admitting That. Honestly? My first reaction was, “Really? I can’t either, but I do it anyway because I have to because my husband is in the military and how dare you even complain about your husband being away for a weekend.” And then I thought, “If your spouse was in the military too, you would be able to cope just like I have because that is what we military spouses HAVE to do, even if we sometimes feel like we can’t cope without them too.”

I read the comments. I know you are not supposed to read the comments, but I did. Some were showing compassion for the woman, others not as much. Some were military spouses upset that she couldn’t handle a weekend away, others telling these spouses it wasn’t a competition and that we should show the writer compassion.

The truth is, this is all so complicated.

This woman, she suffers from depression, anxiety, and ADHD and she is having a hard time. I totally get that. I can understand too that for the non-military spouse, a weekend away is going to be a lot harder than it is for us milspouses. They are not used to this type of thing. Their spouse didn’t sign up for a job that would take them away. I get all of that.

So to the writer of that piece, I do offer you compassion. I am sorry it is so hard when your spouse is away, I truly am. If you were a friend of mine, I would tell you that you can get through this, you can, and that you are not alone in your feelings.

At the same time, we also have to recognize that there are military spouses who feel the same way she does. Some military spouses suffer from depression. Some military spouses suffer from anxiety. Some military spouses have ADHD and more. Some spouses feel that coping without their spouse is not something they can do.

But then, deployment orders get cut. Training begins. Drill weekends show up, and we spouses have to do it. We have to say goodbye. We have to cope without our spouses. We could be suffering just as much, but we don’t have a choice, we have to keep going.

We spend months, sometimes over a year as a solo parent. Sometimes a two-week training can put us over the age if it comes at a difficult time.

We give birth without our husbands, and sometimes they just don’t get to come and be with us on that day. We say goodbye to our spouses with a newborn in our hands and a toddler at our legs. We plan our child’s high school graduation party, inviting our in-laws, knowing our child’s father won’t be in the crowd.

The truth is, whether we feel like this woman or not, we still have to find a way to get through life without our husbands by our side. I know my husband makes my life easier. I am a worry wart, and he balances that out. I love talking about my day with him. If we have trouble with the kids, he can be there. But when he is gone, when he isn’t available, I struggle. Some days are easier than others.

Over the years I have learned how to cope without my husband.

You see, for the first three years of our marriage, he was not in the military. We were not away from each other. When we first started talking about him re-joining the Army, I didn’t think I could do that. We had a child together. How would I be able to handle being a solo parent while he was away? I couldn’t do that. I needed him. We were a team.

But here is the truth. My husband is a soldier. He is. It’s in his blood. No, when I met him he was not active duty. But I could still tell he was a soldier. So when he re-enlisted in 2005, I knew it was the right thing to do.

When he came home from drill a few months ago, wanting to re-enlist, I knew it was the right thing to do. Even though, after all these years, I sometimes feel like I can’t cope without him. Even though my anxiety goes through the roof when he is gone. Even though being a solo parent has been so tough over the years.

I think that in life, there is always someone who has it worse than us and always someone who has it easier.

I envy my friends who have never had to spend more than a week or two away from their spouses. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if that had been the case for us. But it wasn’t.

So to anyone, military spouse or not who feels like they can not cope without their spouse, know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Whether you are about to drop your spouse of five years off for basic training or your husband of 15 years has to visit their mom for two weeks without you.

Whoever you are, whatever you are dealing with, seek out all the help you can get. Rely on your friends. Find your tribe. See a counselor. Don’t be ashamed. Let others know that you need a little more help.

Because at the end of the day, we each have our struggles. We each have things that are hard to deal with that we feel others won’t understand. We each have nights where we cry ourselves to sleep and mornings where we are not sure how we will make it to dinnertime, let alone bedtime.

And while it is way too easy to compare our struggles, way too easy to feel like we have the worst possible situation, we take comfort in knowing that we are not alone, that we can find others who get it, and that someday life won’t be as hard.

Do you struggle with feeling like you can’t cope without your spouse? What do you do to make life easier when you feel that way?

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

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22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

Are you a new military spouse? Maybe you have been living this life for a few years now? Maybe your spouse is about to hit 20 years? No matter where you are in your military spouse journey, there are certain tips that can help you along the way. Certain things to remember so that you have a better overall experience.

Here is a list of 22 tips to help you have a better military spouse life-

1. Take it a day at a time- You will find that in your military life journey, you will have bad days, especially when your spouse is away. Take these days one day at a time. Try not to look at all the days you will have to get through. Sometimes that can be too overwhelming.

2. Sometimes you will need to take it an hour at a time- Sometimes you will have to take things an hour at a time. This is especially true during the first or last weeks of a deployment.

3. Don’t forget about you- When your spouse joins the military, it can be easy to feel like you don’t matter anymore. That you are just there to support your spouse. But you are much more than that. Don’t forget about yourself and what you need. That is important as well.

4. You are much stronger than you think- During your time as a military spouse you will go through situations you never thought you would be able to. I never thought I could make it through a 15-month deployment but I did. I never thought I could handle having a baby without my husband but I did. You will surprise yourself with what you can get through that you didn’t think you were able to do before.

5. Look at the calendar differently- Sometimes you will celebrate holidays and birthdays later on than you normally would. That is okay. If your spouse has to be away for Christmas, celebrate the holiday early. If they are going to miss your anniversary, celebrate when they get home. The calendar looks different to us military spouses and that is okay.

6. Learn about your bills & how to budget- If you don’t already know about what bills to pay and when they are due, you need to find out. You will need to be the main person in charge of paying the bills. Or at least know how to do it. Why? Because sometimes your spouse will not be able to. They could be deployed or somewhere where they could not do anything with your finances. You will need to know how to pay the bills and how to budget so that you can make the best of the money you and your spouse make.

7. POA is your best friend- POAs are a must. You can get your Power of Attorney on post through JAG or through a lawyer. Consider getting special POAs for situations that might come up.

8. Find good battle buddies- You need some good friends in your military life. Friends that can help you through the hard days and friends you can make memories with through the good ones.

9. Be a good friend- You should also be a good friend to others. Be there for people and be a listening ear. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to talk to.

10. Be flexible- Flexible is going to have to become your middle name when you are a military spouse. You can’t always plan on anything happening the way you want it to. You will have to adjust.

11. Stay away from drama if you can- Drama is going to happen at some point in your military life, trust me. Drama can happen in your neighborhood, in a group you are in or even on the soccer field. Do your best to stay away from drama and confront it if you need to. Walking away from the drama is also a good choice.

12. Ask questions- If you don’t understand something, ask questions. Ask a friend, your FRG or even your husband. You won’t always get an answer but asking is helpful to learn more about this military life.

13. Be wary of rumors- Rumors are going to happen. Rumors about deployments, rumors about redeployment, rumors about the Command. Just keep in mind a rumor could be half true or not true at all. Just keep that in mind when you hear something that isn’t fact.

14. Have a backup plan- Having a backup plan is a good idea. You might even need a backup plan for your backup plan. You never know when things will change and you might have to abandon your first plan.

15. Follow your own dreams as much as you can- Did you always want to do something as a career? Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams as much as possible. This is sometimes harder to do depending on your spouse’s career but if you are creative you can make things happen.

16. Don’t be afraid to be you- Be who you are. The military spouse world is made up of a lot of different types of spouses. Be you and find your tribe.

17. Lower your expectations- Sometimes lowering your expectations a little bit can help with your frustration levels. Talking to your spouse every day when they are deployed might not be possible and expecting to be able to can make life really hard. Just try to lower expectations a little bit to help cut down on your frustrations.

18. Get involved in the military community- Get involved. Join a club, go to post events or visit the FRG. You never know who you might meet or what kind of experience you could have.

19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help- Sometimes asking for help is difficult but don’t feel bad if you need to do so. Sometimes a short Facebook post can result in many helping hands.

20. Say No- Know that if you feel like you have too much on your plate, it is okay to say no. You don’t always have to say yes.

21. Say Yes- Sometimes we can get in a rut where we don’t want to do anything. Where you just want to stay home and chill. Try to put yourself out there if you find you are in a funk and need a way to get out of it. Say yes to something new. You might really enjoy yourself.

22. Write love letters- Write love letters. Send them to your spouse. Have fun with them and enjoy being able to write to each other in this way. Most likely when your spouse comes home you will not write these types of letters anymore.

How long have you been a military spouse? What advice would you give?

Why Military Spouse Friendships Are Important

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The first military friends I ever met were after I moved to Germany when I was 27 years old. I met most of these ladies through the FRG. I also met people through playgroups and PWOC. Over the years I have been able to make friends at places like swim lessons, MOPS, and our local Bunco group.

Sometimes it can take a while to find those people that you will connect with. When you move somewhere new, thinking about finding those friends can feel pretty overwhelming. Where do you go? How do you make friends? How much do you have to put yourself out there?

Military Friendships

Finding military friends might be difficult sometimes but worth it.

Here is why…

Friends make the time pass

Let’s face it, having friends helps the time to pass. Whether you are busy making lunch dates, dinners out, or just getting together with the kids every so often. Staying busy is a must and friends help you do just that. If you are new to your duty station, finding a friend who has been there a while can help you get to know the area too.

Friends get you through the hardest parts

Having a bad deployment day? You can call a friend. Not sure how you will get through the next few months? Let people know. Most likely they will understand what you are going through and want to help. Knowing you have people to go to just to vent or to work out a problem is a good thing.

Friendships

Friends help you make memories

When you spend time together, whether you do so on a holiday when both your husbands are deployed or you meet up regularly just to chat, you will be making memories you will always cherish. Once you or they move away, you will think back to those memories that you have made and smile. Even when several years have passed, you will look back at those moments and be so thankful that you had those times together.

Military friendships can last forever

Even though the military means you have to move around and saying goodbye to people becomes the norm, you don’t have to say goodbye altogether. The military world can surprise you and you never know when you two might end up at the same duty station again or when one of you will be visiting nearby. Stay in touch, post to each other on social media, and make plans to meet up again, even if it is years down the line.

They know what it is like to miss their spouse

When you are talking with friends who have never had to live without their spouse, there can be a bit a disconnect there. Not that they can’t support you, they can. But only those who have felt that deployment ache, know how hard being without your spouse really is.

They understand why cereal for dinner makes sense, they understand why you cry yourself to sleep, they understand how exciting homecoming can be even if you are nervous about what having them home will mean. Other military spouses can truly understand.

Why Military Spouse Friendships Are Important

The most interesting part of this life has been the people I have met along the way. Some have become close friends, ones that I will always talk to. Others are more casual friends, and although some have moved away, I will always remember the fun that we had.

As you go through your military life journey, be open to new friendships and meeting people along the way. They will be the ones that will get you through and help improve your life.

Looking for more military life posts?