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How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

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How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

I recently saw a post on Facebook that talked about how you can still be a good person and say no, and that you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm and I loved it.

So many times, we as military spouses, get to a place of extreme burnout. We are simply taking on too much. And while I think there is nothing we can do about being the only adult in the home for months at a time or putting up with different military life challenges, we can control our boundaries and what we allow in.

I try so hard to avoid burnout. I don’t like the feeling that I have taken on too much. When I do that, I find myself way too stressed out and that isn’t good for anyone.

Boundaries are important for everyone. They can keep you grounded, and allow you to live your best life. They can help you stay calm in an otherwise stressful time in your life.

Here is how to have them as a military spouse:

Say no

It’s okay to say no sometimes. I know, that can be so hard to do, but saying no sometimes is necessary. Saying no can be necessary to our physical, emotional, and mental health. Saying yes to everything just because we are asked is a quick way to become overwhelmed with everything.

Remember, you aren’t meant to solve everyone’s problems

Helping other people feels so good, and there are so many chances to do so on a daily basis. But remember, you are not solely responsible for everyone’s problems. You can lend a listening ear, or even direct them to a place that can help. You don’t physically have to do everything for them. That is just too much for one person to take on.

You can be picky about your friends

You are going to run into all types of people in your daily lives. Some of them you will get along with and some of them you won’t. That’s life. You might have a coworker that gets on your nerves or a long-time friend who doesn’t respect you.

A part of having boundaries is recognizing that you don’t have to be close friends with everyone. You can be respectful of other people, without having to let them into your personal life. You can be choosey when it comes to who you spend your free time with.

Remember, saying no to one thing means saying yes to another

One of the most important things about boundaries is that by saying no to one thing, you can be saying yes to another. There are only so many hours in the day, and you can’t say yes to everything. Think long and hard about every yes you give. You don’t want to say yes to something you really hate when that means you will have to say no to something you really love.

That being said, you will have to say yes to things you don’t want to do all the time, especially if you have kids. But even with that, choose your best yes, and what works for your family. Saying no sometimes will free up time to say yes to things that are most important to you.

Following these tips can be difficult sometimes. Saying no isn’t always easy, even if you really want to. But having some type of boundaries in your life can make things a little easier, especially when you add in challenges that come with military life.

The Type of Military Spouse It’s Okay To Be

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The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

It’s okay…

You see it’s okay to be you. You are your own person. You have your own likes, dislikes and belief systems. You are who you are.

It’s okay to cry during a deployment, and it’s okay if you don’t. We don’t all handle deployment in the same way.

It’s okay to go home for a deployment because you feel that is what you need to get through. It’s okay to stay at your duty station because you can’t imagine going anywhere else while they are gone.

It’s okay if your house is kinda messy all the time and it’s okay if you are a neat freak that can’t sleep if anything is out of order.

It’s okay if you binge watch something every Friday night, and it’s okay if you never watch tv.

It’s okay if you have two children, or three children, or five children. It’s okay if you never want children and want to stay childfree.

It’s okay if you are a Christian, it’s okay if you are a Muslim, it’s okay if you are Jewish, it is okay if you are Hindu, and it’s okay if you don’t practice any type of religion at all. We all come from our own backgrounds and we all worship who we are going to worship.

It’s okay if you are a Republican, it’s okay if you are a Democrat, and it’s okay if you are not sure what you are and don’t want to pick a party.

It’s okay if you want to buy a house at your duty station and it is okay if you don’t want to own until after military retirement.

It’s okay if you want three dogs and it’s okay if pets are the last thing you want to deal with.

The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

It’s okay to be frustrated that you can’t find a job and it is okay to be happy that you are finally a SAHM.

It’s okay to be from a tiny town in Georgia, and it is okay to be from New York City and it’s okay that the two of you are best friends who met at a base in Hawaii.

It’s okay to love the show Army Wives, and it’s okay to hate that show with every fiber of your being.

It’s okay to be excited about going to spend four years in Germany, and it’s okay to be scared to death about leaving everything you have ever known.

It’s okay to go all out, hire a photographer for homecoming and spend $100 on an outfit. It’s okay to bring along a friend with an iPhone and to wear your favorite outfit from last year.

It’s okay to go to every ball and dance the night away. It’s okay to skip them and never attend, even if your spouse has to go.

It’s okay to love the FRG and volunteer to help. It’s okay to say no thank you and not attend spouse events as a general rule.

The Type of Military Spouse It's Okay To Be

You see, these are the types of military spouses you are okay to be. It’s okay to be you.

What is not okay is to bash others you don’t understand. It’s not okay to make fun of a spouse that is having a harder time than you are. It’s not okay to be unfaithful to your spouse, especially when they are deployed. It’s not okay to use the D word (you know the one) when referring to those you don’t understand.

You see, the military community is a diverse place. Military spouses are not all the same, and we can learn from one another. We come from all over the US and even other countries. We have different backgrounds and don’t all think the same.

But the one thing we have in common is that we are married to someone serving in our military. We have to say goodbye to them as they leave for deployment. We have to pack up everything and move every few years. We have to be strong, even when it feels like we can’t be anymore.

You see, the type of military spouse that it’s okay to be is one who is loyal, one who is able, one who is willing, and one who will do what they need to do to get through each day. 

When An Introverted Military Spouse Needs To Make Friends

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When An Introverted Military Spouse Needs To Make Friends

“Why are you so quiet?”

I was asked this SO many times as a kid and you know what, I hated it so much. I was so shy, I had social anxiety I am sure, and I was an introvert.

And because of that, I struggled a bit. Sure, with my best friends and family I could be super loud. I remember my parents telling me they were going to tape record (yep, 80s kid here) me and give it to my teachers.

My shyness was really a struggle. I can remember people asking me questions and being TERRIFIED to answer them. I just couldn’t talk to them.

As a young teenager, I was able to use humor to help a little, although that didn’t always go well. I found myself repeating lines from Saturday Night Life or some other funny show in order to fit in with people.

As an older teenager, things got a little easier for me. Then I left for college.

College was so much easier. I was able to talk to more and more people. I didn’t get scared when people asked me a question. I could go up to people and talk to them without much issue.

Fast forward to today. I am in my 40s. Most days I feel like an introvert, some days I can be more extroverted. I am still quiet. I don’t think anyone would call me loud, except my kids. Sometimes I feel pretty socially awkward, other days I don’t. It just depends on my mood.

If I walk into a room full of people I don’t know, I can handle myself. But doing so isn’t always comfortable.

I have gotten up in front of people to speak, and I would do that again, but I can also get pretty nervous when I do.

If I see someone I don’t know too well out and about, I struggle with if I should say hi or not. That is awkward for me.

I know that I am not the only military spouse who is an introvert. I know others struggle with making friends and going into situations where they are the new girl. I know how hard that can be.

But…as military spouses, we have to do it, at least on some level. We have to get out and attend something, whether it be an FRG meeting, a playgroup, or even a mandatory fun event. If we never go to anything, meeting other spouses will be that much harder to do.

Here are a few tips for introverted military spouses who need to make some friends:

  • Use the internet

Find a local group about something you love to do. Join it. Get to know some of the people in the group online. Attend one of their events. When you go, you should have already interacted with a few people already, and that can make it easier to talk with others and make some real friends.

  • Go places you can meet people

There are probably groups and clubs, and events going on at your duty station or in your city. See what is going on and find some places you would be interested in. MOPS is perfect if you have little kids.

Then make sure you go. Be friendly when you are there, and see what happens. You never know. And remember, there are going to be other introverted military spouses there too.

  • Remember, you are not alone

Remember, you are not the only one who is shy, trying to make friends. Other people are too. You are not the only one that feels they have social anxiety, others do too. You are not the lone introverted spouse in a sea of extroverts. Whenever you go somewhere new, think about that, and hopefully, that will make the whole experience easier for you.

I like to say that making friends as a military spouse is a must. This is so true, but I also know getting out there to actually make those friends can be difficult. So, whether you are introverted, feel socially awkward, or just think you are pretty shy, you got this.

Military life can change us and push us to do things we didn’t think we could do. I think this is one of those areas. Military life will force you out of your comfort zone, but the rewards for doing so make it worth it.

What have you done to make friends as an introverted military spouse?

When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

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When Military Spouse Friends Have To Say Goodbye

I was listening to Jen Hatmaker’s new podcast about friendship. The episode was an interview with Vicki Lovine who wrote the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and other Girlfriend’s books. As Jen is doing a series on girlfriends, she is the perfect guest to talk about the subject.

During the episode, Vicki talks about how a lot of her friends she met when her children were very young on the playground. How they connected then and just grew through the years together. This reminded me so much of my mom and her friends.

She moved out to California from the Midwest after college and found her group of friends. Most of them had little girls the same age as me, and these women became like aunts to me. They were there throughout my childhood. These days, as they are in their 70s, some have moved away to be near their children in other places, but their friendship is still very strong.

When I was thinking about all this, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. The moms I met at the playground back when my kids were a lot younger? Well none of us even live in the same country where we met.

This is the reality of military life. You or your friends always move away.

Maybe you get lucky, and you get to spend four or five years together. Maybe you end up getting stationed in the same place again. Maybe you can plan to see one other on vacation. But the reality is, once you or friends move away, that is it. Things are never the same again.

You don’t get to grow together in person, only across the miles. You can watch each other on Facebook, commenting and liking photos as your kids grow. They might have another baby, you might have another one too, and you are aware that there is a huge part of their life you know nothing about.

As military spouses, we accept that this is going to happen.

That the local friends we had when our son was two are not going to be the same local friends we have when they are twelve. We know that any friend group is going to be temporary. And saying that makes my heart hurt.

As we say goodbye to our best friends, we hope we can stay in touch. We hope that we can somehow keep things the same, even though we know they will be different. We hope that we can still talk every day, even if we don’t hear each other’s voices anymore.

And the truth is, you can stay in touch with friends who have moved away. But it takes a lot of work.

Work on your part and work on theirs. I have learned that if both parties are not up for that type of long-distance relationship, the friendship will fade away. You both have to want it. And more than want it, you have to have the energy to keep up with it. Life doesn’t always give us that.

One day you realize that you haven’t talked in over a year and you don’t see that changing anytime soon. You are aware that things are different now, and although they will always have such a special place in your heart, things will never even be close to the way they were. That’s life. 

But then, you have the friends where you can keep in touch.

Where you talk over text, like each other’s Facebook posts, and know what is going on in their lives. Where if you do see one another again in person, you know you won’t feel strange or weird because your friendship hasn’t missed a beat.

These friendships are the ones that will last. These are the people you will know years from now. These are the friends that you will always have.

I have cried so many tears over friends moving away. I do this because I know I will miss them and what we had. And even if I am aware that this was coming, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

The best thing to do is to have faith that your friendships can stand the test of time, even if you don’t talk too often.

Know that they could be missing you, just like you are missing them. That sometimes we are only friends for a season, but that doesn’t change what we learned from them or what we had together. And know that someday, things could be different.

That the constant moves of military life will end, that you will find a place to dig your roots into, that you will find friends that will be there as long as you are. That someday you won’t always have to say goodbye to the people who are special to you.

You will be able to look back over the years at all the people who you have called friends.

That although they live all over the US or even the world, that you know you became a richer person because of all of them. That you know that although the pain of saying goodbye will always be with you, the memories of what you had will also stay with you for the rest of your life.

Being a military spouse, you will have to say goodbye to your friends. Some will be your best friends; others will be more casual friends. And as hard as this will be, you are strong enough to endure the goodbyes. You will figure out how to cope and that will not stop you from making new friends wherever you go in the future.

Have you been able to stay in touch with your military friends over the years?

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their service member has to leave for an extended time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?

The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

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The 5 Best Things That Can Happen To A Military Spouse

“You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have…Military life?” Totally! You see as hard as military life can be sometimes, as stressful as this life can be, there are good things that can happen. Great and wonderful things worth talking about. Here is my list of the 5 best things that can happen to a military spouse.

Getting Stationed Where You Want

There is nothing better than getting the notice that you get to PCS where you want to go. Whether that is a beloved overseas location or just being able to live an hour from home. You feel like you won the jackpot. So many times in your spouse’s career you won’t get what you want but when you do it is a good feeling.

So if you do get those orders, throw a party and start researching your new home. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy this. You never know where else the military will send you and this might be the one time you get to be excited about it.

Deployment Gets Cancelled

This hasn’t ever happened to us. It might be a unicorn but deployments will get moved around and sometimes they might even get cancelled. Or your find out your spouse doesn’t have to go. If you are in pre-deployment mode and are trying to come to terms with having to say goodbye, a cancelled deployment will make your day.

You will want to shout from the rooftops and celebrate the fact that things can be magical, even in military life. And if you are one of those spouses that has been waiting for years for your husband to deploy, consider yourselves lucky.

Amazing Housing

For the first two years we were in Germany we were in a two bedroom stairwell apartment. It was a nice little home but we outgrew the space quickly. We moved to another post in Germany and were given a four bedroom duplex. I remember when we first got there and I walked through the house, I cried.

The house was lovely and so spacious compared to what we had before. We had our own laundry room and two yards. It was amazing. If you have ever been in not so great military housing you know how awesome it can be when you love your new housing. Loving your home you really didn’t have much of a say in is a great feeling.

Making Best Friends

When you go through a deployment with someone or spend a lot of time with them trying to navigate the waters of military life, you become close. Closer than you would otherwise. You will make some of your best friends during your time as a military spouse.

They might move away, you might move away, but you will always have your memories of the time you spent together. You will always have a friend to visit or to call when you are having a bad day. Whenever I ask myself if it was a good idea for my husband to join the military, I think about the people I have met during this life and know I would not be the same without them.

Finding Purpose in The Military Spouse Community

Whether you are a big part of the FRG, whether you found a great career on post or whether you are the neighborhood planner, finding purpose in the military community is a great feeling. Knowing that you are able to give back and help people is such a good thing.

How you find that purpose will look a little different for everyone but that doesn’t mean you can’t find it. You might feel lost when you first move to a new duty station but as time goes on you will figure it out. And once you have figured it out, it is one of the best feelings in the world.

What amazing things have happened to you during your time as a military spouse?

You Know You’re a Modern Military Spouse When….

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Military spouses have been around for a very long time. While to a certain extent “if the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one” is true, we have come a long way in what we have available to us as military spouses.

My grandma said goodbye to my grandpa for three whole years. The only way they could communicate was through letters. Think about that! They had to number them, so they knew what order they were written in. I love a good handwritten letter, but I can’t imagine that being the only way I could talk with my spouse, for years at a time.

So us military spouses today, I suppose you could call us modern. The millennial military spouse might work except some of us are a little too old for that title 😉 There is something different about this time period, and being a military spouse will look different in the future I am sure.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

So here how you know you are a modern military spouse…

~ You gave birth with your husband by your side, on your iPad, over video chat.

~ You make easy dinners with your Instant Pot or Air Fryer.

~ You met your husband online, while he was at his first duty station.

~ Your wife serves, and you stay home with the kids.

~ You don’t have to take all four of your children shopping by yourself as you are a big fan of having your groceries delivered.

~ You take your kids to the park so that you can get yourself a Starbucks, which is right next door.

~ You can take a call from your husband overseas from wherever you happen to be at the moment, no waiting at home until they call.

~ Netflix binge-watching is your favorite sport.

~ You take 1,000 photos whenever you do something fun, and your parents in California see them minutes later.

~ It’s been two days since you talked to your spouse and can’t believe it has been that long!

~ You learned about your future duty station, from a group of strangers you never met in a Facebook group.

~ You earned your BA in English while your spouse was in South Korea, all from the comfort of your home.

You Know You Are A Modern Military Spouse When...

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~ You love or even hate your FRG, but you do in fact have one.

~ You serve too, as you and your spouse met during basic training and now you are a dual military couple.

~ You have been guilty of oversharing on social media, but at least you are aware of the rules for OPSEC.

~ Amazon Prime is your favorite Transformer.

~ You depend on the friendships of others you have never met because they get exactly what a deployment is all about.

~ You have never met your boss in person. You live in Ohio, and they are in New York.

~ You can honestly say apps make the deployment a little easier.

~ You are in charge of the bills, which makes sense, since sometimes your spouse is deployed.

~ You didn’t have to pay for your breast pump, TRICARE gave you one after you had your baby.

~ You are a SAHM, a WAHM or you work outside the home. You do whatever works for you and your family because you can.

~ You wake up every morning, supporting your service member. Through the deployments, the PCS moves, and anything military life throws at you.

What makes you a modern military spouse???

 

Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

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Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

“You knew what you were getting into”

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time, you have heard someone say this. This phrase comes from civilians, military spouses, and military service members. I don’t like it.

My response to this is, no, we didn’t know what we were getting into. 

You see, us military spouses, we know there will be time apart, we don’t know how lonely that can be.

How quiet the house can get when you are the only one in it. How you will crave the little daily chats, you used to have with your spouse, and how sad you can get when you think about those moments.

We know we will have to move often, but we don’t know how hard it will be to leave someone that is like a sister to us.

The person we spent last Christmas with. The neighbor who helped us when our son was in the hospital. The friend that we could talk to about anything. The person that became closer to us than anyone else ever had.

We know there will be deployments, but we don’t know how they might break us.

How we might get so overwhelmed with them that we can’t imagine going through another one, even though we know that with our spouse’s job, that will be our reality.

We know there might be children, but we can’t know what their struggles might be or what having one parent gone all the time will be like.

We can’t predict what raising a child on the autism spectrum will be like when your other half is gone for a year at a time. We can’t know how drained we will feel as a SAHM, even though that is what we always wanted to do.

We know that we might have to sacrifice our careers for theirs, but we don’t know how hard that can be or how long we have to wait on our own career goals.

We can’t know if we will be in a state where we can work using our degree or if we will have to settle for something else because that is all there is. And then have to deal with the emotional toll of all of that.

We know this life will be a hard one but what that looks like, how we will be able to get through the difficult days, and what the years our spouse will serve will look like is a surprise. 

Life is filled with surprises. This is true for everyone, military or not. What you thought your life might be like will look different than what happens.

No one knows what they are getting into. No one can predict that. No one can be 100% ready for what this military life brings.

Even if we did know what we signed up for, that doesn’t mean we can’t vent a little on our more challenging days, cry into our pillows when we just can’t take anymore, or simply ask for help because everything is just too overwhelming at times.

Before you say, “You knew what you were getting into,” think about your own life and all the ways things turned out differently than you thought they would.

Be compassionate to the military spouse that is having a more difficult time. Understand that everyone handles deployments differently. Know that some of us ask for help because we are trying to better our situations, not because we want to fail.

Military spouses are strong but only because we have had to become that way. Through trials, challenges, and the surprises that military life brings.

What has been your biggest military life challenge?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.