Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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My Top Military Spouse Posts of 2017

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My Top Military Spouse Posts of 2017

My Top Military Spouse Posts of 2017

Next week at this time it will be 2018! A new year is always a good time to reflect back on the previous year. As I look back on my blog posts from the last year, I can see most popular posts. The blog posts that got the most attention, the most hits, and probably helped the most amount of people.

Here are the top 10 posts of 2017 from Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life! Enjoy!

10. 9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage– There are certain things that can hurt a military marriage. There are certain things to watch out for during this life. This post brings up some reasons why a marriage can break down. It is good to be aware of what they might be.

9. To a Military Spouse That Can’t Do Military Life Anymore– Sometimes we military spouses can hit a point where we feel like we simply can’t do it anymore. We can’t see how we could make it through another deployment or another PCS. We hit a wall. So if you have ever felt that way, this post is for you.

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

8. The Truth About Military Life, In 30 Military Life Memes– Memes are a great way to express how you feel about a certain topic. Here are 30 memes all about military life! I am sure you can relate.

7. The Day Before They Deploy– The day before they deploy is one of the hardest days to get through. You know what is coming, you know what the morning will bring, you know you have to make the most of your time together.

6. To the Young Military Spouse Who is Struggling– Being a young military spouse can be a scary place to be in. There is so much to learn; this is a whole new world. Here are some tips for the young military spouse that is struggling or simply getting used to this new life.

5. Why You Should Break Up With Your Military Boyfriend– Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it needs to happen. Here are a few reasons it might be time to call it quits with your military boyfriend.

4. To The Military Spouse With Toddlers– Toddlerhood comes with all types of stresses and complications. Add in a deployment or two, and it is enough to drive you crazy. Here is a post all about raising toddlers during this military life.

3. 22 Memes All About Military Marriage– Military marriage is a different way to live. Here are some memes that explain why.

2. To the Military Spouse Worried About War- Sending your spouse off to war is probably going to be very much a part of your military life. However, that doesn’t mean that doing so is easy and there can be a lot of fear involved. Here is a post all about that.

And here is the #1 post on my blog from 2017,

1. Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into– Don’t you hate when people tell you that you should have known what you were getting into when you married your service member? That’s the worst and it really doesn’t make any sense. Very few people know what they were getting into before their military life started.

As I get ready for 2018, I am thankful for my blog and the community I have built. My hope is that I can create a place for any military spouse that is scared, struggling, having a hard time with a deployment, or just in need of some military spouse support. We can all help each other through it, we are not alone in our struggles, and we can learn from one another.

Thank you all for supporting me and my blog, for being a reader, for all of your comments, and for being apart of what I have built. Here’s to 2018 and a fantastic year ahead!

What Can We Do About Military Spouse Bullying?

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What Can We Do About Military Spouse Bullying?

Bullying is everywhere. From schools to churches to the military community. Bullying happens to children, and it can also happen to adults. Bullying happens within our military spouse community, and the worst of it seems to be online.

Being an online bully is pretty easy. You can hide behind your computer screen, no one needs to know who you are, and you can do so without being called out.

What Can We Do About Military Spouse Bullying?

 

Bullying can happen when a new military spouse asks an innocent question or when anyone is asking for advice about a struggle they are going through. People even go on and on about us calling ourselves “military spouses.”

The military community can be the right place to ask questions. So many of us have been through so many different situations and are willing to help. Sadly, not everyone is so understanding, and that is when the bullying happens.

The truth is, when bullies act as they do, that says more about them than it does about the person they are going after. When you are being targeted though, that is easy to forget.

Online bullying

We all need to work together. Every single one of us and if we do, I believe that we can cut down on the bullying and all learn from one another. We are better than a group of people who go after one another. We are strong men and women who stand by and support those who have chosen to sign up to serve our country.

So what can we do about this military spouse bullying issue? How can we make our community a better place?

Be respectful in your responses

Being respectful isn’t difficult. When you are responding to someone online, remember to stay respectful. Even if what they are asking seems silly. Even if what they are asking seems obvious. We were all the new military spouse at one time. We were all very young at one time.

Online bullying

Stay away from the hate groups

There are military spouse hate groups online. Their only goal is to make fun of other spouses. While groups like this are not a shock, they don’t need to be the norm. Stay away from the hate groups. They are not worthy of our energy.

The military community is so good at standing up to groups like the Westboro Baptist Church when they come to protest a funeral, but do we feel the same way about the hate groups within our military communities? Something to think about the next time you see one in your Facebook feed.

Remember that everyone experiences things differently

What you have experienced as a military spouse can be completely different than what your neighbor has. Sometimes when we have not experienced something, we don’t quite understand what the other person who has experienced it is going through. But we can still be kind in our responses to them.

Telling them they are wrong, assuming they are lying, or just giving them a mean response because their experiences are different than ours is not okay. Be understand, realize that there are different ways for things to happen, and be open to listening to what the other person has to say.

Remember, we are a family

Here’s the deal, the military world, particularly within each branch can be rather small. Whatever you say online could get back to anyone else in the military community. This could be bad for you; this could be bad for your spouse.

It’s simply not worth it. You could be bullying someone that you see every day on your military post. You could be bullying someone in your spouse’s chain of command. You can hide behind your screen but the reality is, what you put out there could get back to you and that could cause issues for you and your service member down the line.

What would happen if you PCS to a new duty station only for your spouse’s COC to know about the bullying you had done towards their own spouse? Do you think that would make things easier for your service member? Do you think a spouse that is bullied wouldn’t talk to her own husband about that? Whether you want to admit it or not, it can get back to you and that can be bad news for your spouse’s career.

Your Grandma can see what you post online

When I see what some people post on the comments on Facebook pages, I am amazed. Anyone who follows you on Facebook can see what you post there, even people you have chosen to unfollow. This means your grandma can see your words. Your mom can see your words. Your siblings can see your words. Your co-workers and even your boss can see your words. If they are hateful, that could cause a lot of issues for you down the line.

What Can We Do About Military Spouse Bullying?

Let it go and walk away

When someone is irritating you online, it is best to let it go and walk away. Vent to your friends privately but when you go on and on and back and forth with a stranger, you are putting yourself in a bad place. Most of the time, let things go, walk away and let the issue burn out.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t participate in civil debates, but when things go hateful, the back and forth makes both of you look bad, even if you are the one in the right. You can always choose to block someone who is going after you. Make it difficult to keep going after you. Virtually walk away as much as you can.

Online bullying is a part of our world now. We don’t want bullying happening to our children, let’s not do it in our military communities. Let’s all be better than that. Let’s be helpful and know when to walk away. If we can do this, our community will become a stronger one for all of us.

 

What I Learned About My Anxiety When My Husband Was Away

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What I Learned About My Anxiety When My Husband Was Away

This summer my husband was at AT for three weeks. For those that don’t know what AT is, AT stands for annual training with the National Guard and is the training they do every year. Sometimes it is two weeks; sometimes it is longer.

These three weeks were rough for me. My husband hasn’t been away anywhere in a while. Even though he has been gone for a lot longer, this time apart was challenging and my anxiety was at an all-time high.

What I Learned About My Anxiety When My Husband Was Away

Now that he is back home, I can look back, and I realized something. I learned a lot those three weeks about my anxiety, what life is like when he is gone and what I can do about it when he leaves again in the future, especially for a longer period.

I learned that I do need a few things to happen so I can get through the time apart without completely losing it. Sometimes I feel as if any deployment would knock me to the core and that I wouldn’t be able to get through.

My anxiety doesn’t make that any easier.

 

 

What I Learned About My Anxiety When My Husband Was Away

See a counselor

I realized that going to see a counselor is going to be a good option for me. I don’t always feel like I need to see one but the last deployment I did, and she helped me through. I know the next time he deploys, that will be one of the first things I will do. I need that little bit of extra help. I need to be able to talk to someone who isn’t a friend or family member. I need this to stay grounded.

Have a backup plan

I need a backup plan for well everything. What should I do if an appliance breaks? Who can I call if I need some extra help with something or in an emergency? Making a list of all of this information will go a long way in helping with my anxiety. Knowing I have people who can be there for me is a must.

Journal more

I love journaling, but I don’t do it as much as I should. When my husband is gone again, I need to journal daily. I love being able to get all my thoughts out that way. Journaling is its own form of therapy.

Childcare

Childcare for my youngest is a must! He was in a day camp this summer, and that made my life so much easier. I was able to work and have some time where I wasn’t having to entertain an active six-year-old.

Don’t try to be a perfectionist

I have to let go of perfection when my husband is gone. That is what really can get my anxiety going. Am I a good enough mom? Am I a good enough housekeeper? Am I a good enough military spouse? It’s these silly judgments that I put on myself that I need to stop doing. I am doing the best I can, and that is good enough.

What I Learned About My Anxiety When My Husband Was AwayHave my happy place

I have a place in my bedroom that I can go to get some downtime or just to relax. I used a place like that during our last deployment, and it was very much needed this summer. I can go there when things are getting a little too much and can read, watch tv or just chill in a comfortable atmosphere.

Make plans with friends

Making plans with friends is always a good way to break up the days of a deployment or separation. I need to do more of that. Whether we have lunch while the kids are in school or dinner before a T-ball game, having time with others can get me out of my funk and allow me to enjoy our time together.

Anxiety isn’t any fun, and I hate how it can rear its ugly head when my husband isn’t home. I hope that I can make some changes the next time he is away so that I can truly rock that separation more than I did this summer.

Do you struggle with anxiety too? What helps the most?

Are you looking for more posts about surviving deployment? 

 

 

 

 

Why Milspouses Love the Fourth Of July

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Why Milspouses Love the Fourth Of July

Why Milspouses Love the Fourth Of July

Fourth of July is the perfect summer holiday. For my boys who get out of school in May, the day is right in the middle of summer. There are things to do, fireworks to see, and a country to remember.

Being married to someone in the military means that you are a part of America’s history.

4th of july

So why do Milspouses love the Fourth of July? This is why!

1. The patriotic shows

There is just something about watching fireworks and hearing patriotic music. It reminds us of living in a free country and how much we have because we do. The shows remind us of the sacrifices the military and our families have made over the years to make sure that the country stays free. The shows give us a feeling of community and of celebrating our country with others.

2. Hanging out with friends

4th of July is a good time to spend time with friends, especially if your spouse is deployed. I remember the 4th of July during our 15-month deployment. All of us wives got together and had a fabulous time even though it rained half the day. We were in Germany, half the world away from the US, but we celebrated anyway.

3. Good 4th of July food

From Hamburgers and hotdogs to potato chips and yummy 4th of July desserts, this holiday loves food. Not the healthiest of foods but still. Enjoy the day celebrating with a bbq or picnic in the park.

4. DONSA

Since my husband is no longer Active duty, he doesn’t get a DONSA for the 4th of July, but in year’s past, I loved that he was off that weekend. We always had time to hang out together, bbq, enjoy the local area, and celebrate. As a military spouse, you know how important that family time is.

4th of July

5. Remembering our history

From 1776 through the 1800s, 1900s, and now the 2000s, our country has gone through so many trials and tribulations. Some of these years were better than others. We have been through so many wars and have rebuilt when we needed to.

The 4th of July is a good reminder of all of this and everything that had happened since that day back in the 1700s when we began.

6. Striving to do better

Independence day is a time to look at what our country is going through and think about what could make things better. As William J. Clinton said, “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured with what is right in America.” These days seem particularly difficult but I know that our country is a strong one and we can get through them.

7. Red, white, and blue everything

From your shirts to your home decor, red, white, and blue is everywhere. When I was a child, our neighborhood had a 4th of July parade that was always a lot of fun. We would decorate our bikes in those colors and ride around the neighborhood. So many fun memories from those days.

4th of July

8. The concerts

There are so many fantastic 4th of July concerts out there, from the Lt. Dan Band, Kid Rock, or Carrie Underwood. Whether you see these concerts in person or on TV, they will make you feel pride, and you will always remember them in the years to come.

So, this year, let’s say Happy Birthday America! We love you 🙂

What are you doing for the 4th of July this year?

How To Find Me Time When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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How To Find Me Time When Your Spouse Is DeployedHow To Find Me Time When Your Spouse Is Deployed

 

One question I tend to get asked by my non-military friends is, “Do you ever get any time to yourself during the deployment?” And my answer is “Yes!” Although I have had to work hard over the years to be able to find this me time.

When your spouse is home, you should be able to have them watch the kids, at least every once in a while. You can get out to the mall, meet friends or dinner, or go to your book club.

When they are deployed, finding that me time isn’t as easy.

Finding Me Time When Your Spouse Is Deployed

So what can you do if your spouse is deployed or away on training and you struggle to find that me time you crave?

Trade babysitting with a friend

During past deployments, I have had close friends that I traded babysitting with. This was ideal because we could both help each other out in the same way. This isn’t always possible because doing this requires having a good friend that you trust. You also need someone with children that get along with yours.

But if you can find this, take advantage and bring up trading off with childcare. Even if you just want to take an hour to drink a Starbucks and read a book kid free, you can do so and then return the favor.

Look for events with free childcare

When we were stationed in Schweinfurt, Germany, we had a scrapbooking night once a month. They would usually have a babysitter on site in a playroom, which was nice. Being able to sit and scrapbook with friends and not have to worry about where my children were would make for a fun night and a good way to find that me time.

If you take some time to look at your local area, you will probably find places that do offer free childcare both on and off post. There is a local church here that does a once a month parent’s night out for the local community.

Super Saturdays

Some military bases and military posts have Super Saturdays where you can leave your kids in childcare once or twice a month if your husband is deployed. I have taken advantage of that many times, and they have been a lifesaver.

We could drop off our kids around 9 am and just pick them up sometime in the late afternoon. I knew they were being taken care of in an age appreciate place and it gave me a chance to get errands done or to meet up with friends for lunch.

Finding Me Time When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Family

Many military spouses do not live near family. One thing you miss out on when you don’t live near family is the ability for them to watch your kids. I know if I had raised my kids in the same town as my parents it wouldn’t have mattered when my husband deployed because I knew that they would be able to watch them.

I did spend the summer of 2009 at my parent’s house with my young two and four-year-old. While we did a lot of things together, getting out by myself or meeting a friend was a nice perk to living with them for those months.

When we have family come to visit, they will watch our kids for either a date night if he was home or a night out with friends when he has been away. Even though this can’t happen too often because of the distance, it is a beautiful thing when they come to visit. The extra set of hands helps more than they even realize.

How To Find Me Time When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Firm bedtimes

In some seasons you won’t be able to have any me time. You could have a nursing baby or no one in the area to trust with your children. That is when bedtimes become so important. Make sure you put your kids to bed early enough so that you can spend at least an hour by yourself.

During this time you can watch a television show, take a bubble bath, or have a bowl of ice cream. Taking that time for you will be the best way to help you through the days of deployment.

Hire a babysitter

 

If you have the budget to do so, you can hire a babysitter. See if you know anyone with a teenager that babysits. They probably live close and be good with your kids. You can also use websites like www.sittercity.com to find someone in your local area.

Sometimes just getting out and going to the library/coffee shop, treating myself to lunch, or going on a photo walk for a few hours can refresh me. Especially after a long night. As military spouses, we can take on too much and not find time for ourselves. After months of this, we can get burned out which isn’t good for ourselves or our children.

How do you find time to get away and relax when your spouse is deployed?  How do you find “me” time during deployment?

Here are other posts about deployments:

Don’t Get Sucked Into the Deployment Hole

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

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What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

It was 2006, and I was new to Germany and the Military life. My FRG leader was giving me a ride across the post, and she was talking about the upcoming ball that we were going to have. I was excited. I knew the military had balls but to be able to go to one seemed like a dream.

Milspouse friends

She told me about the food and what to expect. She went through the ceremony part of the ball. I learned a lot that day. Other spouses told me what a deployment was like. They had been there before, and since I was new, I had no idea what to expect.

The amazing thing about the Military community is that spouses help one another out along the way.

As a new military spouse, I was able to learn about everything military. I learned about the Army lingo, what preparing for a deployment would be like, how to pack things up before a PCS, how to send mail to my husband overseas, how to dress for a ball, and what to do to get through the last few weeks of a deployment.

I listened to other spouses who had been doing this military thing longer than I had. I knew not everything they told me would be my experience as an Army wife, but I knew that I could gain a lot from listening to them and hearing what they had to say.

As a seasoned military spouse, I am still learning about military life.

Milspouse Life

The National Guard life is still so new to me. I was used to active duty life, but now things are different. Over the years I will learn more and more and will figure out this part of military life too.

We, military spouses, can all help each other out. No matter what hardship you might be going through, someone else has probably gone through something similar before. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and try to help others out that might need it.

There is something comforting about knowing you are not the first person to go through a particular situation.

And as clueless as you might feel at the beginning of military life, know you will learn more and more as the years go by. And as you do, you will be able to help others too.

Once you have been through a deployment, you will know what helped you and can share what did. Once you have been through a PCS move, you can offer your tips and let others know what you wish you had known before you moved.

Over time you too will become the seasoned spouse, able to offer your experiences to help other, newer spouses out.

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

Life is about learning and military life is no different. There is so much to be gained from hearing from others and what they have been through. There is so much to be gained from opening up to others about your story and experiences.

Military life is filled with twists and turns. The military will surprise you, even if you are prepared. But even in those circumstances, even if you feel like you are the only one going through that particular issue, sharing what you have gone through can still be helpful so don’t be afraid to do so.

What is one bit of advice you could offer to other milspouses?

Here are more blog posts on military life:

When You Can’t Find Your Milspouse Tribe

The Truth About Military Life, In 30 Military Life Memes

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

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Military Spouse

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

Almost three years ago, my husband ended his time in the active duty army and joined the National Guard. In some ways, this was a big change for us. Leaving active duty is a challenge and one that we have had to work through. He no longer wore the uniform on a daily basis, we started paying for Tricare, and PCSing was no longer an option for us.

However, since we decided to stay in the Fort Campbell area, we still live in a military community. Most of my friends are married to someone in the Army, we can shop at the commissary as often as we want to, and I know when my husband deploys again, I will have that local support.

Milspouse

I am very aware that this is not the norm for a National Guard family. 

I know that for some, there is no local military community. Maybe they know a few of the spouses, maybe not. Maybe they have some family that has served, maybe not. Being a part of a military community can be an enjoyable experience, but that isn’t always the case for every military spouse.

Being far removed from the military community can feel like you are walking this road alone, but you are not.

There might not be anyone in your town that you can relate to, but there are plenty of other spouses out there in our country that totally understand.

Whatever challenges you have had to face, whatever frustrations you are having, and however hard a deployment seems, there are others who have been through it too.

Milspouse

So what can you do when you don’t have access to a local military community?

Look for other military spouses

The truth is, there are other military spouses in your area, you just don’t know who they are. If your spouse’s unit happens to have an FRG, find out when they meet. If you are not sure, start asking around. If you feel you are up to it, ask if you can volunteer.

Check with your local churches and mom groups. See if anyone has any military ties. You never know who is connected with the military or who knows someone who is that can put you in touch. If you live in a bigger city, it’s even possible that there are some military support groups there.

No, you don’t have a local base to go to, but you might be able to find other military spouses you never knew were there.

Go online

When you don’t live in a military community, online is going to be your best friend. There are so many groups on Facebook to search through. There is a National Guard group, a group I started for military spouse support and plenty of other military spouse groups to get connected with.

Sometimes online friends can become your best friends. Through group discussions, private messages, and sharing our struggles, we can connect with each other and find our people. Someday, we can even meet up if life allows us to.

Although you might struggle to find the military spouse community in your local area, the military spouse community is very much active and alive online.

Milspouse

Find good friends

Sometimes our civilian friends can be our biggest cheerleaders. Maybe they don’t quite understand what we are going through, but that is okay. There are other spouses that might be able to relate to a husband being away and not always being able to be there for us.

Not everyone will understand, and some people will make stupid comments. That part of connecting with people can get old and is very frustrating. But see if you can look beyond that.

Some people mean well and are not trying to make you upset. Others can be your rock through your most difficult times, even if their spouse has never served.

Get involved in your community. Reach out and connect with others. The benefits of doing so will be worth it. There are plenty of people out there that love and support the military and want to help when they can. Let them.

Whether you are a National Guard or Reserve spouse or don’t live in a military community, know that you can find support even if it is just online. That others are going through what you are and that there is beauty in finding good friends. 

 

 

Going Down the Long Deployment Road

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Going Down the Long Deployment Road

Going Down the Long Deployment Road

At the start of every deployment, I would picture myself standing at the end of a long road. I would have to walk down this path and at the end of the road was homecoming. I didn’t know how long this road was, what types of twists and turns I would have to go through to get to the end, and I didn’t know what shape I would be in when I got there.

The long deployment roadOver the months my husband was deployed, I sometimes was able to run along this road. I felt like I could conquer anything and was able to keep up that pace for a while. But then I would trip and fall, and the only way I could keep moving forward was to crawl.

And for a time that is what I had to do. I was moving at a snail’s pace, or so it seemed, but with each passing day, I was getting close to the finish line.

After some time I would be able to pick myself up and start walking and eventually get back to my run, only to have to slow down again with a challenge of some kind that got in my way. But eventually, I did make it to the end. I made it to homecoming and enjoyed the return of my husband.

The deployment road

I then looked back along that deployment road, at all the twists and turns I had gone through. At all the challenges I had faced. I looked back and saw the people who helped me through, good friends, family members, and even strangers who never even realized what they had done to help me.

As a military spouse, I always knew that there would be long roads in my future. And that each one would look a little different. But I also learned that however long the road was, whatever the challenges would be, I would make it through. One day at a time if need be.

If you have just started a deployment, take heart in knowing that you too can get through this period apart. It’s going to feel so strange at first, not having your spouse around. This will take some getting used to and you probably will never 100% get used to them being gone.

You will have good days, days when you feel like you have mastered everything. You will have bad days, days that will make you want to tear your hair out.

But over the time your spouse is gone, you will learn so much more about yourself, and you will see how strong you truly are.

If you are almost done with a deployment, know that the last few weeks can sometimes be the most challenging. You are done with the deployment except you have a little bit more to do, and that can be overwhelming.

Know that eventually the deployment will come to an end and you will be standing there, holding a homecoming sign, waiting patiently for that first kiss.

If you are getting ready for another deployment and feeling so much dread, try to think about all the good things that can happen when they are gone. There could be projects you have been putting off, you can use the extra pay to help with your student loan, and you know the deployment will be good for their career.

military spouse

Deployments suck. There is no other way to put it, but if you can find the positives of them, that can go a long way in helping you through them.

Wherever you are on your deployment road, know that you can handle this. There is never a right time for a deployment, and you will always wish that your spouse didn’t have to go, but deep down you know this is all apart of the military spouse deal.

If you have just started a deployment or will be starting one soon, check out my free guide for the first 30 days of deployment!