Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

surviving deployment

How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

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How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

When my husband deployed for the first time my oldest son was 23 months old and I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was a new mom with some parenting experience under my belt. I was still learning a lot, and we were slowly leaving the baby stage. And just like that, it was just my son and me.

A few months later our 2nd little boy was born. My husband came home for R&R and met him when he was three days old. He left again when he was almost three weeks and didn’t come home again for 11 months.

During all this time I was a solo parent. My husband was overseas, fighting in a war and I was in charge of two little boys. I was still growing and learning as a parent, but I didn’t get the chance to do that with my husband. I did this by myself, and that changed so much about the way I would parent in the years to come.

How Going Through a Long Deployment Shaped My Parenting

We have been through other deployments since but there is just something about that deployment that sticks out to me. Something about that deployment changed me into the person I am today, into the parent I am today. That deployment was about survival for me, getting through each and every day.

Every day I had to make sure everyone was fed, clothed and got enough sleep. Once bedtime came, I felt like I had accomplished something big. I always feel that way during a deployment but especially during that first one.

That long deployment taught me a few things about parenting that stick with me to this day.

Long Deployment

You Have To Let Things Go

There are so many parenting choices out there. From breastfeeding vs. formula, to how you give birth and how you discipline. What I learned during deployments was that the little debates we have don’t matter. You have to do what is right for you.

I can’t beat myself up if a parenting choice isn’t going to work for us anymore. As long as my children are being taken care of and being raised in a loving home, nothing else really matters. I couldn’t do everything, and I was only one person.

Don’t Judge Other Parents

We all have our circumstances and different experiences which shape us into who we are. We all have reasons for why we do the things we do as a parent. We might not totally understand why other parents do things the way they do, but as long as they are not abusing or hurting their child, we shouldn’t be judging them about their own parenting journeys. Most parents are trying to do what is best and we should respect that.

Things Would Be Different If My Husband Never Had To Go Away

I think things would be very different for me if my husband never had to go away, especially for over a year when my kids were so small. I would have an extra person to bounce ideas off of. Potty training with my oldest wouldn’t have taken so long. I probably would have been able to breastfeed for a little longer, and life would be a little calmer during those years.

But my husband is in the Army, so he does have to go away for periods of time. I have to work with this and do the best I can. I can’t spend too much energy beating myself up for the choices I have made during deployments. There are other lives we could be living, but those lives are not where we are. 

long deployment

My parenting is always evolving. Based on the kids and our experiences. Based on when my husband is home and when he isn’t. Things are always changing, and I am always surprised by each stage. I never truly know how our family will handle them or how much my husband would be a part of that stage of our lives.

As I look ahead at another possible deployment and the ages my kids will be, I know that deployment will be very different from the one we went through back in 2006 and 2007. We will have different challenges and even if I don’t want to, I might have to handle some of those alone.

I could easily look back over the years and call myself a bad parent. My kids watched too much tv and have probably had too much pizza. They don’t always get to do all the things they could do if we had always had two parents in the home. That is our life, and as they get older, I can see more and more that they will look back on their childhoods with good and happy memories.

The 15-month deployment we went through set me up for my years of parenting, for good or for bad. Going through that has made me the mom and the person I am today. For good and for bad. I want to embrace that instead of crying over what else could have been.

How has parenting changed for you because of deployments?

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Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

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Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

Over the years that I have been a military spouse, I have done a lot without my husband. I moved to Germany without him. I gave birth without him. I flew space-A without him. I have survived.

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

 

When you are a military spouse, you learn to do a lot without your partner by your side. You have to. They simply are not going to be there for everything. You can’t depend on them for things as others can. You have to learn to do it yourself.

When you first become a military spouse, this can be a shock to the system. Even if you married a military service member, getting used to them not being around can be tough.

While other newlyweds work together to form their marriage during the first year, you might have had to do that through Skype and letters. You are in your home, they are overseas, and figuring out the balance of all that can take some time.

Milspouse

While other couples talk about every parenting decision, we sometimes have to make them on our own.

Communication isn’t always possible and sitting down over dinner discussing the situation is out of the question.

When something breaks in the house, it’s all you. YouTube can be your best friend here and in other cases, you will have to call someone to fix the problem. Even though you know your spouse could do it in five minutes.

You are the one to make sure the lawn is mowed. You might have to hire someone or break down and learn how to do the lawn yourself.

Milspouse

Dinner? That’s all you. Unless you have older children, you are the one doing all the cooking. Pizza is an excellent solution for those crazy nights you just can’t make yourself cook.

You wait to hear when homecoming will be. Hoping they will make it back in time for your daughter’s graduation, knowing they might not.

There are so many times when you will be the one to have to solve the problems back at home.

You do this because you know that they can’t. You do this because you know when they are gone they are gone for a good reason. You do this because if you didn’t? Everything would fall apart.

There are the little things you miss when they are gone. On the weekends, there is no one to ask to put the kids to bed or to allow you a break to sleep in. You are on until your kids go to sleep and need to be ready the minute they wake up in the morning.

You will miss the little jokes you have between each other. The looks. The moments only you two understand.

So as a military spouse you will find that you don’t need your husband. That he can come and go and you can run the house without him. That you can keep everything going, keep the kids alive, and grow as a person, even when they are deployed.

 

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

You will find your inner strength to do more than you thought that you could. What seemed impossible a few years ago is now commonplace. You will learn more about yourself and find out how strong you are.

You will figure out you don’t need your spouse around, but you will find that you want him there.

You want the friendship you two have. You want the co-parenting challenges you will have together. You want the companionship, even if you are both sitting there not talking.

You will miss all of this and then realize that you will have this all again someday. That homecoming day will come. That you will have a normal life once again. That you will be able to have everything that you have been missing.

And when that happens you will also know that you can handle deployments. That when they have to go again, you will be able to hold down the fort. That you got this, whatever comes your way.

What is one thing you have done during a deployment that you didn’t think you could do but had to anyway?

Going Down the Long Deployment Road

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Going Down the Long Deployment Road

Going Down the Long Deployment Road

At the start of every deployment, I would picture myself standing at the end of a long road. I would have to walk down this path and at the end of the road was homecoming. I didn’t know how long this road was, what types of twists and turns I would have to go through to get to the end, and I didn’t know what shape I would be in when I got there.

The long deployment roadOver the months my husband was deployed, I sometimes was able to run along this road. I felt like I could conquer anything and was able to keep up that pace for a while. But then I would trip and fall, and the only way I could keep moving forward was to crawl.

And for a time that is what I had to do. I was moving at a snail’s pace, or so it seemed, but with each passing day, I was getting close to the finish line.

After some time I would be able to pick myself up and start walking and eventually get back to my run, only to have to slow down again with a challenge of some kind that got in my way. But eventually, I did make it to the end. I made it to homecoming and enjoyed the return of my husband.

The deployment road

I then looked back along that deployment road, at all the twists and turns I had gone through. At all the challenges I had faced. I looked back and saw the people who helped me through, good friends, family members, and even strangers who never even realized what they had done to help me.

As a military spouse, I always knew that there would be long roads in my future. And that each one would look a little different. But I also learned that however long the road was, whatever the challenges would be, I would make it through. One day at a time if need be.

If you have just started a deployment, take heart in knowing that you too can get through this period apart. It’s going to feel so strange at first, not having your spouse around. This will take some getting used to and you probably will never 100% get used to them being gone.

You will have good days, days when you feel like you have mastered everything. You will have bad days, days that will make you want to tear your hair out.

But over the time your spouse is gone, you will learn so much more about yourself, and you will see how strong you truly are.

If you are almost done with a deployment, know that the last few weeks can sometimes be the most challenging. You are done with the deployment except you have a little bit more to do, and that can be overwhelming.

Know that eventually the deployment will come to an end and you will be standing there, holding a homecoming sign, waiting patiently for that first kiss.

If you are getting ready for another deployment and feeling so much dread, try to think about all the good things that can happen when they are gone. There could be projects you have been putting off, you can use the extra pay to help with your student loan, and you know the deployment will be good for their career.

military spouse

Deployments suck. There is no other way to put it, but if you can find the positives of them, that can go a long way in helping you through them.

Wherever you are on your deployment road, know that you can handle this. There is never a right time for a deployment, and you will always wish that your spouse didn’t have to go, but deep down you know this is all apart of the military spouse deal.

If you have just started a deployment or will be starting one soon, check out my free guide for the first 30 days of deployment! 

Finding Hope During Deployment

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Finding hope during deployment

Finding Hope During Deployment

Easter of 2007, I had two children, 2.5 years old and about four months. I decided to take them to church Easter Sunday. I couldn’t imagine missing that. I might miss church sometimes, but you don’t miss on Easter Sunday. I dressed us all in our beautiful Easter outfits and headed to the on post chapel.

As I sat there in my Easter best, holding my baby, tears started to come. My husband, the one who I had spent every Easter with for the last few years was in Iraq. He wasn’t there with us like he should have been. I remembered other Easters. One where he was home with us and we could spend the holiday together.

As I sat there, trying not to completely lose it, I decided to look to the future. Next year, he would be with us, right? Next year, when our kids were a year older, we would all go to church together, the four of us. We would make family memories together again.

The truth is, during the middle of your deployment day, you can get stuck in “deployment” thinking.

You start thinking that you will always feel that lonely, that you will always feel that sad, that your spouse will miss everything and that there is nothing you can do about it.

But if you can look past that, if you can remind yourself that this deployment, no matter how long the separation might be, is only temporary, you can gain the strength you need to press through.

During military life, there will be seasons when they are away and seasons when they are home.

There are years when Easter Sunday will be the loneliest of days and years when Easter Sunday will be filled with family fun. There will be weeks when you aren’t sure you can make it to the next day and weeks when you will feel like you are rocking military life.

If you are in the middle of a deployment, if you are feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing, remember, this too shall pass. It will. Time will go by, days will go by, and one day you will wake up, put your cute dress on and head down to the gym or airfield to pick up your spouse. Time will go by, and you will be spending your weekends at Lowe’s, going on date nights and making memories together again.

There is hope during a deployment.

Hope that you will get through it. Hope that you will grow stronger during the months they are away. Hope that you can do this and you can, in fact, do it more than once, more than twice or however many times you need to get through a deployment.

There is hope that through the months apart, you and your spouse can grow stronger. That you can learn more about yourself and even each other. That you can find that inner strength that you didn’t even know you had.

There is hope that although you might be alone this Easter, they will be there the next Easter and maybe even the one after that. That someday you will look back on your “deployment years” as a struggle you were able to get through, even though it was some of the hardest years of your marriage. That one day, you will be able to take what you learned during the months apart and use that for the future, for your struggles and to help others.

So yes, there is hope during a deployment. Even if you can’t see it right away. Even if it takes you a while to understand it.

How do you find hope during a deployment?

So, Your Spouse Just Deployed? What Should You Do Now?

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So, Your Spouse Just Deployed? What Should You Do Now?

So, Your Spouse Just Deployed? What Should You Do Now?

The day has come and you had to say goodbye. Day one. Day one of who knows how many days. Day one of this deployment. Whether this is your first deployment or your last, you are going to need some support to get through all of these days. Whether they are gone for four months or fourteen, you are going to need to figure out a way to get through the time apart.

That is where this post comes in handy! First of all, sign up for my free guide for the first 30 days of a deployment! This will help you figure out a game plan and encourage you as you get started down this deployment journey.

You can also take a look at my deployment posts. After going through 4 deployments myself, I have a lot of blog posts all about surviving deployments.

If you didn’t know this already, there is a great community of military spouse bloggers out there. We come from different branches, live in different places but we all have stories and tips to share with our readers. Our hope as milspouse bloggers is to help you and let you know you are not alone in your military journey.

Here are some great posts on deployment by some of my favorite military spouse bloggers:

5 Ways to Keep the Interest Alive When You Are Not Together Enough by Adventures of a Young Wife

7 Deployment Confessions from the Spouse Left Behind by 1200 Miles Away

surviving deployment

Dear Civilians: What Every Military Wife Wants You to Know by Singing Through the Rain

Solo Parenting: Alone But Not Alone by InDependent

Deployment ABCs: Advice for a First Deployment by Countdowns and Cupcakes

End of Deployment is the Worst by the Seasoned Spouse

My Husband Helped Me Through My Run by Wandering Malia

3 Ways Deployments Can Bring You Closer as a Couple by Spouse Buzz

surviving deployments

10 creative ways to help children cope with deployment by Military One Click

10 Relationship-Saving Tips to Use During Deployment by the Military Wife and Mom

The Very Real Truth About Experiencing Deployment for the First Time by Jo, My Gosh

Through the pre-deployment period to the long days of the deployment to the end and getting ready for homecoming, sharing our deployment stories can be a great way to connect and help others who are dealing with a deployment. Although each of our experiences can look a little different, knowing we are not the only ones to go through them is helpful.

We are not able to get through deployments because we are strong, we become strong through the deployments as we stand by the person we have committed to stand by through all life throws at us. 

To the Military Spouse on Valentine’s Day

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To the Military Spouse on Valentine’s Day!

The day is coming. You know the one. The holiday that you would just rather skip. You know your friends are getting flowers and chocolate. And a date night. You are getting more dirty diapers and possibly a Skype call from Iraq. But that might not even happen.

You try to tell yourself that you don’t care. That Valentine’s Day is just a “Hallmark” holiday made for dating couples and those who have time and energy to pull something together. But deep down, you are hurting. Your husband is deployed this year. He was in training last year and the year before? You were waiting to join him overseas at your new duty station.

Military Spouses on Valentine's Day

 

You know the military comes first, but does the military always have to take away Valentine’s Day? Probably. Most likely he will be gone the next year too. And even if he is home. Does that matter? Will you even do anything? The only babysitters you have are your friends who would probably like to go out with their own husbands too. Your family just lives too far away to help and your budget can’t afford the $30 or $40 it would take to hire a babysitter.

So military spouse, it’s okay. Being without your love on Valentine’s Day doesn’t make much sense but being a military spouse you know this is all apart of the lifestyle. So this year, you are not going to worry as much. You are going to buy your kids a heart shaped pizza and some candy hearts. You will let them show you their valentine’s cards from school and then put them to bed early. You are going to pour a glass of wine, eat your favorite type of food and binge watch a fun show you have been meaning to catch up on.

You got this. Even if your Valentine’s Day is different than you thought it would be after being married to the love of your life. You got this because someday your spouse will always be home for Valentine’s Day. You got this because you are not alone and so many other military spouses are not spending this day with their loved one either. You got this because you are strong and you can make it through!

 

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

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The Father Who Has Missed So Much

“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.

“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”

This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.

He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.

My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.

We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.

13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.

One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.

He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.

When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.

You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.

This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.

That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.

These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.

Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.

My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

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A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

The time has come and your spouse has left for a deployment. You’re feeling a little out of sorts. You haven’t fully accepted that he is actually gone and now you have three, six or nine months ahead of you. Months of a deployment where you will not see your husband. Where you will be both mom and dad for your kids and where you know the loneliness will set in. How will you get through a deployment?

A Deployment Tool Kit: What You Need To Get Through A Deployment

In order to get through this season, you are going to need to have a deployment toolkit. In the kit, you will keep the things that will help you while he is gone. Everyone’s toolkit is going to look a bit different but here are some ideas to help you get ready to conquer your upcoming deployment.

Good Friends

Having someone you can depend on during a deployment is so important. This can be hard to find sometimes because you might have just moved to your duty station right before the deployment or your best friend might have just moved away right before it starts.

The key is finding places to go, to take yourself and your kids where you can meet other people. Think about groups or clubs that you would enjoy and go to them. Be friendly and let people know you are new or would like to set up a playdate. This is hard I know, especially if you are on the shy side but it can be worth doing in order to find a good friend to go through a deployment with.

Patience

I don’t have a lot of patience, especially during a deployment. But I need to have it if I don’t want to drive myself nuts. I need to have patience with the timetables, with the changing dates, with my kids and even my house. Sometimes even my dog. This is hard but I know I need to step back, take a deep breath and work on my patience.

Good Food and Drink

For some people, this is a good cup of coffee. I never really felt I needed coffee every day until our first deployment, then it was a must. Other people prefer tea or Dr. Pepper or a nice glass of wine. Just have something in your house that can make you feel good on a bad day.

You can apply this to food too. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream is a good way to end a stressful day. Be careful, though. Stress eating is a thing and the deployment might be a good time to break that habit. Make a nice salad or try a new food you didn’t think you would like.

Books and Other Hobbies

Reading books, watching movies, tv, going on walks, working on your hobbies, etc, all of these will help you through a deployment. Focusing on your hobbies will help keep you busy. You can also work on your career, work on going to school or do something to better yourself.

The best thing to do is make a list of all the things you want to do while your spouse is gone. You won’t finish that list but it will give you tons of ideas and allow you to fill up your time. A good book can take you out of a funk and get you interested in something else besides just missing your spouse. I love to read to help me through a stressful period of time.

The Ability to Laugh

You really have to be able to laugh at military life. It’s not that things are funny, it’s that if you take everything too seriously, life is just going to get too hard. Don’t be afraid to laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the situation. See that thing will get better in the long run. Don’t be afraid to have fun while he is gone and make a life for yourself.

A Journal

Writing in a journal can help you get your feelings and thoughts out. If you haven’t ever written in one before, a deployment is a good place to start. Some couples like to keep one together. One will write in it for a week and then send it to the other and back again. This is a great way to connect during a deployment. Looking back at your old journals and reading about old struggles can help you get through your current ones.

A Haven

You need a safe place where you can go when you just need a moment. This can be your home, a room in your home, even a corner. I like to turn my bedroom into this place. I want the area comfortable with soft lighting. I want it to be a place I can retreat when I just can’t take it anymore. A place to relax, cry and figure out how to get out of my funk.

Deployments are going to stress you out which is why you need the right tools to help you through one.

What is in your deployment toolbox? How do you get through a deployment?

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