Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

You Will Never Know, Unless You Are a Military Spouse

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Happy to have this guest post by Hannah. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

You Will Never Know, Unless You Are a Military Spouse

You will never know how it feels sending the person you love the most, the person you built your life with, off to a war zone. 

You will never know the heart wrenching fears that run through our mind. 

You will never know the deep breath we take when your child asks, “Mommy, What if daddy doesn’t come home?”. 

You will never know the courage it takes to explain to your children what daddy is doing, and why it makes him a REAL hero. 

You will never know the longing we have for our spouse. Longing for their touch, and simply just their presence. 

You will never know the heartbreak of holding your crying child who misses their other parent.

You will never know what it’s like going a year without holding your spouse’s hand, giving them a kiss, or just being able to look into their eyes. 

You will never know the feeling of uncomfortable quietness while waiting for the phone call to assure you that your spouse is okay. 

You will never know how it feels hoping and praying you don’t get “that” knock on the door. All while knowing the reality of the situation- it COULD happen. 

You will never know the dreadful feeling in our stomach the night before they deploy. 

You will never know how differently we look at other couples, only reminiscing on our own memories with our deployed spouse. 

You will never know the thought of honesty that crosses our mind when someone asks us how we are doing today. 

You will never know the heartbreaking sympathy we have for our Gold Star Families. 

You will never know the warm feeling that runs through our heart, when we read or hear “God Bless America” 

You will never know how much we value time spent with our spouse. 

You will never know how hard it was to be strong. 

You will never know the ache behind our smile. 

You will never know how hard it is for us to ask for help.

You will never know how easy it is to love someone who is thousands of miles away, across the ocean. 

You will never know how you’re brought closer in your marriage than you ever were before. 

There’s something about being a military spouse that makes us all special. The hurt, the pain, and the sacrifice that we also go through. Being a military spouse is not for the weak. We are forced to reach down and find our inner strength. Not only does that make us incredibly brave, but it also makes us a little bit of a badass. 

Often times I hear people say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Or “I could never do it.” Often times I find myself sitting there, wishing I had a friend to call. A friend who actually understood what I was going through. It then hit me that none of my civilian friends would understand the struggles I go through as a military spouse. It’s not a conversation that is carried on when brought up.

Because when you are not a military spouse, there are things that you will never quite understand. Things that bond us, military spouses, together. A connection that is instantly made. A deeper feeling of understanding that no one else will ever know unless you are a military spouse. 

My name is Hannah, wife of a soldier, sweary mom of 2, running off coffee and chaos, living in Louisiana!

When Military Life Breaks You

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Military life is hard, we all know that. Military families have to deal with so many challenges. Military children do too. Military spouses have to take on pretty much everything and sometimes the stress can feel like too much.

Sometimes the deployments are just too close together or they are too long or there is just too much loneliness because of frequent moves. Sometimes military life breaks you.

What do you do if you are in a place where it feels like too much? What can you do if you feel broken? You know you are not going to walk away from your spouse but you know you need to do something.

You know how important their military career is, but you feel like you can’t keep going on like this. You are lost and just not sure what you can do to get through the next few months or years until military life is over.

1) Get Back To Your Faith. No matter what religion you follow, you do put your faith in something. Cling to it. Pray. Meditate. Grow in your faith.

Try to find a good place to go each week. Look at what your post or base has to offer. Look online to see what you can discover locally. Write in a journal, sing, go for long walks. Find a way to find some peace in the midst of this lifestyle.

2) Don’t be afraid to get help. Sometimes the best thing to do is call for help. Find someone you can talk with. Someone you can talk to about what is going on. Someone that won’t judge and someone who can give you some good advice on how to deal with what you are dealing with.

If you feel like you need some extra help you can find a Military Family Life Consultant to talk with or make an appointment with a local provider. Tricare will cover up to 8 sessions without needing a referral. Just call up the provider and let them know you have Tricare and they should be able to help you from there. I had to do this during our 4th deployment and doing so was worth the time.

3) Let Things Go. Seriously. Let it go. Don’t worry about what isn’t important. Some of what you stress about matters, and some of what you stress about doesn’t matter at all.

Let go of trying to be a perfect military spouse. For one thing, no one is a perfect military spouse and you will drive yourself crazy trying to be one. Do what you can each day and let the rest of everything go.

4) Depend on your friends. If someone offers to babysit, let them. If someone offers to mow your lawn, let them. If someone wants to bring you dinner, let them.

Get together with friends. Make dates with them. Join them for coffee or a playdate. Invite them over for dinner. Friends will get you through, even if they don’t 100% understand what you are currently dealing with.

If someone is making you feel bad, let them go. Surround yourself with supportive people. If you don’t have any local friends, join a club, playgroup or even start one yourself. Find something you enjoy doing and look for others that enjoy that too.

5) Make Time For Yourself. Read that book. Watch that movie. Start writing your book.

Make a list of all the things that make you happy. When you get really upset, start going down your list. Try to surround yourself with things you enjoy.

You might have to work ten hours a day. You might be with kids from 6 am to 8 pm. But whatever time you have for yourself, enjoy every minute of that time. Even just 30 minutes a day can help. 

Making time for yourself as a military spouse is very important. Even something as simple as picking up some flowers and putting them in a vase on your kitchen table can help with your mood.

We can’t change a lot of what military life is going to bring. There will be deployments and trainings and too many goodbyes. There will be lonely nights and tearful goodbyes.

However, when you are a military spouse, you have to figure out a way to make it through. Even when you feel like military life is breaking you. Do what you can to figure out how to get to a better place. This will help your spouse in their career and will help you in living a fuller military life.

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

When Military Life Breaks You

On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

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On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

I wrote this post a day before my husband left on his 4th deployment. No OPSEC rules have been broken.

This is the last day. How did this happen so fast? The deployment was coming up for so long and now the day is almost here. He is at work. They have him at work the day before he goes. Why Army why? You get him for the next nine months, why can’t I have him all day today?

I just want to freeze time…but then I don’t. I want time to move forward, but I don’t want to have to spend all that time without him.

Nine months. Maybe more. Maybe less. I will take each day at a time, each hour, if I have to.

Some days will be good. We will have fun, and we won’t miss him quite as much. Other days will be hard. There will be a lot of tears, and Homecoming will feel so far away.

Will he be ok? Will we see him again? These are the questions I have to ask. I have to. Not everyone comes home from war. Most likely, he will. The odds are in our favor. But still…I wonder. Is this it? Is this all we have?

I dread tomorrow. D day. The day he leaves.

The driving to drop him off. The last kiss. The last hug. Watching the person I tell everything to walk away is heartbreaking. Knowing they will be in danger is terrifying. Thinking about living apart makes me bawl.

Deployment #4. How did we get here? How is it possible? It hasn’t even been TWO years yet. Uh!

So many emotions. So many feelings.

I dread the first day. I walk around the house, looking at his stuff—from the coffeemaker he won’t be using for a while to his clothes that won’t be worn until next year. I remember how the night before he left, we sat together and watched that one movie, how just a couple of days ago we were out back BBQing together, and how last year at this time, we were getting ready for a family trip to California.

I think about how much he will miss.

Summer. The start of school. Birthdays. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All that comes with the holiday season. The snow might come, and he will still be over there.

I think about what I will focus on to get through: my boys, my blog, my garden, my books.

I wonder how much I will grow as a person. I wonder how much he will grow.

How will we be different? Will we struggle to connect again? Will this be the deployment that breaks us?

As I sit here, the day before my husband has to go, all I can feel is dread. Knowing that this time tomorrow, I will be in tears. But also knowing that this time tomorrow is one day closer to his returning, and our countdown can begin.

Have you just started a deployment? If so, check out my other blog posts on deployment and make sure to join my Facebook support group. 

On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

15 Tips For Surviving Your First Deployment

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I can still remember driving up to where we would drop off my husband. Other wives and children were already there. There were so many people standing around, worried and sad.  Soon, it was time to say goodbye. This was it.

He was really leaving. After we said our goodbyes, he kissed me and our 2-year-old goodbye, and he went to the gate. There, the men waited for what seemed like forever. Then they headed for the bus. I waited with the other wives.

And then waited some more. Then we saw the buses. They pulled out from where they were parked, with our husbands inside. The buses went right by us, and we waved. Then we cried. This was it. My first deployment. How was I going to make it through?

Somehow, I did just that. I got through this deployment. My husband left for Iraq for the first time in August 2006. 18 years have passed since that day and yet that day is still so fresh in my mind. I can still remember how I felt when he got on that bus when he said goodbye to us and started to walk away.

You won’t ever forget a deployment, and you are never going to forget your first deployment. You just don’t know how things are going to go, and you have no experience sending your spouse off to war.

Here are 15 tips for surviving your first deployment…

1. Find your battle buddies- You will need people to walk through this deployment with. They don’t necessarily have to be going through a deployment, too, but that helps. Having people to make plans with and go to on a regular basis during the deployment is going to help you a lot. If you don’t have any friends at your current duty station, see what you can do to get yourself out there to try to make some. They will make the deployment a little bit easier.

2. Invest in a journal- I love journaling. Doing so regularly can be good for you, especially during a deployment. Getting your thoughts out and doing a bit of a brain dump can be helpful when you can’t sleep or if you are feeling really anxious.

3. Remember, this is temporary– During my deployments, I would remind myself that the deployment was temporary. That feeling alone was temporary. That I would not always have to miss my husband and that he would be home after so many days. That the deployment ache I was feeling was only going to be around for a temporary amount of time.

4. Go Home—Going home for a deployment might be a good option for you. There are many factors to consider when making this decision. Consider whether going home would be good for you or if staying where you are would be best.

5. Ignore advice that doesn’t work for you- There are a lot of books and blog posts out there about deployments, and this is one of them. It’s okay if you read advice about how to survive a deployment and either don’t agree or don’t think the advice would work for you. We are all our own people and what works for one person might not work for another. Read the advice and find what will work for you.

6. Don’t stress the small stuff—Let it go. If you find yourself being stressed about little things, let them go. During a deployment, you will be more stressed out. You will be playing the role of both mom and dad, and you simply don’t have the time or patience to deal with little things. This might mean having to let something go or having to find new people to hang out with if your current friend circle is causing too much drama.

7. See what your post or base offers- You should take the time to look on your military post or military base to see what activities or programs they have available to you. As a deployed spouse, there might be certain benefits such as free babysitting or events and you will want to take part in them.

8. You are stronger than you think- You might not feel very strong at the moment. There might be too many days left to get through but you are stronger than you think and you can usually get through situations you never thought you could. Military life will make you a stronger person.

9. You are not the only one- However you are feeling during the deployment, know that you are not alone. There are other spouses out there feeling the same way that you are.

10. Not everyone is going to understand- The truth is, not everyone is going to understand how you are feeling during a deployment. Some spouses don’t struggle as much with deployments, and civilian friends might not know what it is like to live without a spouse. You should find people that let you be yourself during a deployment and stay away from those that bring you down.

11. Cry it out- Feel like you need to cry? Do so. Have a good cry and let everything out. Doing so will help you get through your day. Crying does not mean you are not strong. Crying is one way to release your emotions and doing so can be a good thing.

12. Be trustworthy- When you are away from your spouse you both need to be able to trust one another. Be a spouse that your husband can trust. Be there for them and let them know you are standing by while they do their job overseas. This will make the deployment a little easier on them and easier on you.

13. Don’t worry about the next one- Sometimes you will hear about the next deployment during your current deployment. Try not to let that bother you. That is in the future and you will have plenty of time to worry about that deployment then. In some cases, that future deployment might not happen. Try to just focus on the now and not worry about what will come in the months or years to come.

14. Get creative- Deployments can bring out your creativity. Design something, plan a trip, or just have extra fun with your kids. This will make the deployment go by a little faster.

15. Seek help if needed- In the end, if you are really struggling, seek help. You can see a counselor or a Chaplain. Don’t feel bad for having to do this. Going through a deployment can bring up a lot of emotions and you might struggle to know how to handle all of them. You can visit Military One Source for more information.

What tip would you give someone on surviving their first deployment?

15 Tips For Surviving Your First Deployment

The Waiting Military Spouse

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The Waiting Military Spouse

The Waiting Military Spouse

Military spouses have to wait. This is so much a part of the military lifestyle. So much a part of our lives as military spouses.

We wait for the enlistment to go through, not really knowing how much our life could change. Not really knowing what this will mean for us, for our marriage, for our family.

We wait for the first duty station. Will we stay close to home? Will we go overseas? Will we get homesick?

We wait for the movers to come. Is everything ready? Will anything break? Are we really doing this?

We are the waiting military spouses, always waiting on something. Always trying to make the best of it. Always looking for the silver lining.

We wait to feel like this new place as home, and wonder if it might never be. We wait to find new friends, missing those back at home or a previous duty station. We wait to figure out how to find our way in this new community.

We wait on deployment orders, knowing they will come soon. We wonder how we will make it through those months apart, and how we should handle the months before they have to go. We wonder what the deployment will really be like and if we have the strength to get through.

We wait as our spouse leaves for overseas, praying they make it home again. Praying that everyone stays safe. Praying that we can get through this time apart, even if one day at a time.

We wait as the homecoming date seems to change. We wait as we have to help our children through the deployment. We wait as the days seem long, and the weeks feel even longer.

We wait during those last few weeks of deployment. We wait to get the call they are actually coming home. And we wait with a toddler on our hip as we watch the plane land or the ship come in.

We wait as things will take time to get back to normal, and we wonder if they might never actually do so. We wait as we have to work to bring our spouse back into the family dynamic, and wonder if it is as hard for us as it is for other military families.

We wait on PCS orders, taking us to a new location. We are never really sure what that new home will be like. We hope for the best, and try to take it all in stride.

We wait to work on our own careers, knowing we can’t do exactly what we want from an overseas location. We wait to start our own path because sometimes solo parenting is a little too difficult. We sometimes have to wait on our own dreams or be creative in how to pursue them through the ups and downs of military life.

As military spouses, waiting is all a part of the game. We know this, and yet sometimes, that waiting seems too hard. We have to find ways to be patient, even if that patience doesn’t come naturally. Even if that patience is difficult to find.

We wait. For our spouse. For their career. For everything military life brings us. We wait. That’s what we do. We are the waiting military spouses.

7 Simple Self-Care Tips to Pamper Yourself Without Leaving the House

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Awe, self-care. Something we hear about all the time. Self-care is essential, but sometimes it can feel hard to get. You have to make an effort to make time for yourself. You have to put it on your calendar, and you might need to get creative. Add in being a solo parent for months; how do you find time for self-care?

One way to find time for self-care during a deployment or during seasons of your life when you can’t always get out of the house for a bit is to find self-care ideas you can do without leaving the house. You can do things while at home when your kids are sleeping or in some cases, awake.

Here are 7 ideas:

Work on your hobbies

What do you like to do? What brings you joy? Reading? Puzzles? Baking? There are so many hobbies you can do at home. Figure out what makes you happy and get back into your own hobbies.

Grab your journal and a coffee

This can be done early in the morning or after the kid’s bedtime with some tea or drink of choice 😉 Grab your journal and start writing. Share about your day, your thoughts, or anything that comes to mind.

DIY spa day

Have your own DIY spa day. Take a nice bubble bath with Epsom salts, essential oils, or bath bombs. Use a face mask, paint your nails, light candles, and relax. Take some time to chill. Your body will thank you.

Video chat with friends

This one is best for after the kids go to bed. Grab some dinner and some wine. Set up a video chat with your bestie or other friends. Make it a weekly thing. It’s a great way to let loose and connect with others. You can also join weekly online book clubs, Bible studies, or whatever else you may find.

Binge-watch a show

Finding a show to get lost in that you can go to each night after the kids go to bed is a fantastic feeling. This is how I got through so many of those lonely deployment nights. And in today’s world? It’s so easy to find good shows to binge.

Start a garden

This is one your kids could help you with. Start a garden. Plant your favorite flowers and veggies. Playing in the dirt and planting something new can be so therapeutic. I love to watch things grow from a seed to a big old plant.

Order dinner

Sometimes, just ordering yourself a nice dinner and eating it while watching a good movie is a great way to wind down and enjoy some self-care. Celebrating a milestone or even a Friday night can be a great time to do this. Treat yourself when you can. It can make for a lovely night.

Self-care can look different for each person. What you might find relaxing, someone else might not. So, when looking for self-care ideas, try to find things that work for you. The goal of self-care is to recharge, refresh, and get to a better place.

Remember, deployment or not, make time for yourself. It’s worth it.

9 Uplifting Bible Verses to Support You on Difficult Deployment Days

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Deployment days are not all the same. Some will have you wanting to pull your hair out, while others will be a little calmer. When we were going through our military deployments, one of the things that helped me get through was thinking about different mantras and bible verses to remind me that I could get through the days ahead.

We often doubt ourselves when going through a deployment, especially during more difficult deployment days. Here are nine encouraging Bible verses to keep around for your next deployment. I will start with my personal favorite, Joshua 1:9, which got me through more than one difficult deployment day:

Uplifting Bible Verses to Support You

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” – Psalm 46:1

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27

Although a Bible verse or inspiring quote might not make you love a deployment, what would honestly? They can help you overcome a difficult time or remind you of the bigger picture.

Do you have a special verse or quote that inspires you?

The Lessons You Learn When You Are a Solo Parent

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My son was not even a year old, and my husband and I started talking about him returning to the Army. I remember telling him that I couldn’t possibly parent my son while he was away from us for months and months. I couldn’t possibly do it alone. I needed him!

A few months later, my 13-month-old son and I dropped him off as he headed to Germany as an active-duty soldier. At the time, I had no idea what the next few months or years would bring. I had no idea how much solo parenting I would have to do.

By the time we got to our 4th deployment, I think my husband had been gone more than he had been home. I went through so many months of solo parenting during those early parenting years.

He is home a lot more often these days, and I am so thankful for that. But I will never forget the years he wasn’t. I will never forget all those days as a solo parent that went on for months and months, causing me to have to completely rethink the way I parented and the way I lived my life.

I learned a lot during my periods of solo parenting. I am still learning even now. Taking one parent out of the house changes the dynamic, and you must figure out how to adjust.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned as a solo parent:

You can only do what you can do

You will learn this lesson rather quickly. There is only one of you. You might also be on a limited budget.

You can only do what you can do. You can only be in one place at one time. You will have to make some choices, ones you might not have had to make if you were not a solo parent.

You can do more than you think you can

This is huge! There have been many times when I would cringe and think that I couldn’t get through a deployment or other situation. I felt so overwhelmed. But in the end, I was able to make it through.

Remember, I used to think I couldn’t possibly be a solo parent with one child, and yet in the end, I did, and now I do it with three. We, military spouses, are capable of more than we think.

Some things are actually easier

My husband was gone for many of the newborn years with my 2nd and 3rd babies. And those early months were actually easier in some ways than when he was home with my oldest son. That isn’t to say I would wish him away or be glad he missed those months, not at all.

But the little things, like nursing in the middle of the night, became a lot easier. I didn’t have to worry about waking him up. I didn’t have to worry about being too loud. I could attend to the baby, which was my sole focus.

I am a better parent when my husband is home

As much as I try to look for the good during my time as a solo parent, I am a better parent when my husband is by my side. We are different people and handle situations differently, but I think we complement one another.

If I am getting too stressed out, he can take over. If he needs a break, I can step in. And sadly, when I am solo parenting, I don’t have that. And I miss it.

The small stuff doesn’t matter

As a solo parent, you will stop worrying so much about all the little stuff. There is so much we must think about as moms, and letting some of that go is necessary when your spouse is away. You don’t have the space to worry about it.

Of course, what is “small” might differ for each person. I am okay with a pizza night, but others might not be. I want everyone to sleep in their own beds, but others are all about a family sleepover.

I have also learned that I can’t compare myself to other moms. I just can’t. For one thing, I would compare knowing 100% about myself to the smaller % that others show the world. That isn’t a good way to live your life.

You have to figure out what works for you and your family and what your kids really need. You need to do what is best for your own family and not worry about anyone else. And doing so will bring you a lot of peace.

Self-care is so important

Self-care is always important. But as a solo parent, self-care is a must. And do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself.

If you have small children, see if your base or post offers free childcare options. They might have a Super Saturday or night out you can use. Take advantage of these times, even if all you will do is grab a book and sit at a coffee shop for a bit.

Find things you like to do and make plans to do them. Yes, you want your kids to be okay and live their best lives, but you can also stop and make time for yourself, even if you must be creative to find that time.

Whenever you go through something challenging, there will be lessons to learn along the way. If you are in a season of solo parenting, remember you can get through this and learn from it all as you make your way to the finish line.

What is your best solo parenting tip???