Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

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How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

This weekend I saw an article about a young military spouse titled, “I Gave Up College to Get Married — Now I’m 19 and Divorced” This article was a story about a girl who married her boyfriend instead of going ahead to college, even though that seemed to be her plan. Her husband was stationed in California, middle of nowhere California and the challenges of that mixed with not being able to find work led to a divorce, just a few months later.

I really feel for this woman. I feel for her because it seems she made a mistake. She probably should not have gotten married. 18 is so young. So very young. College is a great idea for most people. If you have to choose between the two, what should you do?

Military life is also very difficult. Even more so when you are first starting out your lives together, when your spouse is not making a lot of money and you just are not sure what you are supposed to be doing while he is off doing his job. Add in a middle of nowhere base and you can find yourself feel pretty lonely. That mixed with feeling like you should have gone to college instead does not make for a happy home.

I know some of my readers are military girlfriends. They haven’t yet married their service member and they could be thinking about if they should. I was never a military girlfriend but before I married my husband I was involved in several long distance relationships. They were hard enough without the military so I can only imagine how difficult it is when you add the military in the mix.

How do you know you are ready for a military marriage?

  • Because you are ready for marriage and all that comes with it. You need to be ready for marriage. Marriage is a big step and changes things. You will no longer be on your own. You will have someone else that you will be a part of. You will need to share your things and your space and everything you have. You have someone else you will be making decisions with and someone else that will be affected but the decisions that you make. 
  • Because you are ready for military life and how difficult this life is going to be. Military life is probably going to be harder than anyone can prepare for. That being said, knowing what to expect can help. Knowing how military life can be difficult is also a good idea.
  • Because you have done everything you wanted to do before you got married. I knew I wanted to finish college before I got married. That was important to me. What is important to you? Do you want to be on your own for a while? Do you want to be at least 25 years old? I know sometimes meeting that special someone can change things but if waiting for something is important to you, try to do that.
  • Because you know that while this life is unique with its own challenges, all marriages take work. No matter who you are, your marriage is going to go through hard times. As a new military spouse, you might be presented with some of these hard times earlier than other spouses do. Knowing this going in will help you get through the more difficult days that are to come.

I know a lot of people who married very young and are still happily married. Some are military couples and some are not. I also know people that married young and did not make it. Some divorced early on, others, years later.

When it comes to marriage and if you should get married young to your military boyfriend, check your heart and your gut. Ask yourself if the military life is one you want to have. Although none of us can truly plan for this life and most of the time the military life is harder than we ever thought, going into a marriage not being open to the life isn’t a good idea.

Divorce happens. To a lot of people. For a lot of different reasons. Hardships in marriage happen and the military might just be yours. If you do decide to marry young and are put in a similar situation that the young wife I talked about above was, know that you can make it through that. There is a lot of military support out there, you can go to college online, you can figure out a way to support your military husband and make it through those difficult years.

Military life might not be for everyone, but if you want your marriage to work, if you are willing to commit yourself to your new marriage, you will be going into this new life with your eyes open. You have a good chance of making your military marriage work and creating a wonderful life with your service member.

 

Dear Army, Don’t Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

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Dear Army, Don't Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

Dear Army, Don’t Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

Last week I saw an article about how the Army will be looking at cutting family programs at Military.com. I understand the need for some budget cuts. I get that spending too much isn’t a good idea sometimes. But cutting family programs is not a good solution. There has to be other places where we can save money. There has to be another way instead of cutting programs that benefit military spouses and military families. 

From the time I first became a military spouse, I have used military programs like MWR, PWOC, MOPS, Childcare and other programs that have been put on by organizations on post. These programs are important, especially for the new Army spouse that is feeling a little lost or for the spouse of a deployed soldier who just wants to find things to do with their children.

I hate the thought that family programs could be cut.

So that future generations of Army spouses will not be able to have access to them or to get that little extra care that they need.

I would hate to think that a new military spouse would arrive at a new duty station and not find ways to get connected. That she or he would feel like the military doesn’t care about them or wants to support them.

Some will say that because the wars are “wrapping up,” we don’t need as much family support. The truth is, soldiers and other branches of the military are still deploying. They are still leaving their families for months at a time and they still need extra support to get through deployments, through pcsing or anything else military life brings.

As long as we have a military and as long as they are doing their jobs, we will always have families that need that support.

So why should the Army keep family programs? Why are they valuable? Can’t spouses just get together with friends and get through the hardships of military life that way?

The main reason is that these family programs support the spouse and family of the service member and military families need as much support as possible. Yes, a nice get together with friends is a great way to connect with others but not everyone can do that. The Army needs programs where people can come together, meet others and find ways to support one another through the programs that are offered.

Not only are these programs a way to make friends but they allow the military spouse to make friends, find volunteer positions and can bring the whole military community together.

Children benefit from the activities that MWR and other organizations put on too. From egg hunts to Halloween fun. From free backpacks to free concerts.

To the service member, knowing their family is being taken care of is very important. They have a lot of work to do, both in the United States and overseas. Whether it is a deployment to Iraq or a school in Washington DC.

If we want a strong military, we need to support the families of the military.

When my husband was deployed for the 2nd time in 2009, I found PWOC to be my weekly place to get grounded and connect with other spouses. In 2013, when he was deployed to Afghanistan, MOPS became my go-to and within those meetings, I was able to connect with other spouses and know that I was not alone in what I was going through.

I have been to countless MWR programs put on in Germany and Ft. Campbell. I have heard other spouses talk about what these programs have meant and have done for them over the years.

Please don’t cut family programs. Find another way. The military spouses need them. We need them. The service member needs them. Our country needs them.

It Has Been 15 Years Since Everything Changed

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It Has Been 15 Years Since Everything ChangedIt Has Been 15 Years Since Everything Changed

It has been 15 years since everything changed. My children were born after this time and they will never know the world how it once was. A world in which horrible tragedies happen across the ocean. A world in which we felt safe and that where terrorism wasn’t something we thought about on a regular basis.

The US went to war less than 18 months after the attack. A war my husband and a lot of yours have fought in. A war that some think should never have happened. A war that might have been the best way to handle a situation we have never had to handle as a country before.

I think back to that day.

September 11th. When everything changed.

When people came together and we stood together as a country. When we realized that loving our neighbor was more important than any debates we may have had in the past. When we were glued to our TVs, when we watched the first responders, when we couldn’t figure out why people hated the US so much that they would take so many lives on one fall day.

The world has changed. And with it, the military has changed. There is very much a pre-9/11 military experience and a post 9/11 one. So many have joined because of what happened that day. Others decided it was too much and it was time to leave military service.

We are 15 years past that day and war is still happening.

Here at Ft. Campbell many spouses are getting ready to say goodbye to their spouses as another deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan begins. Soldiers and Air Man and Marines and the Navy are still going to war. Never think the war is over, no matter who says it is on the nightly news.

Going to the airport is a different experience now. We always went through security but you could do so whether you had a ticket or not. You could greet your loved ones right when they got off the plane. I have so many memories of looking for my Grandparents as soon as we walked out of the airplane.

We have to take our shoes off now, we have to dump our drinks and we are always aware of what happened to the innocent people that were on American Airlines Flight 11, United Airlines Flight 175, American Airlines Flight 77 and United Airlines Flight 93.

The New York skyline is different now. I have never been but I know for those people who live and work in the city, the city has a different look to it.

We no longer trust people like we used to.

I used to wonder how we as a country could have put our own American citizens into internment camps during WW2, but after 9/11 I knew. I heard people talking about those in other religions, people started to fear other Americans because they were Muslim. I would like to think we are past that type of racism, but we are not.

As a military spouse, I know how much military families have had to give up in the war against terrorism. We understand how serious terrorism can be and why our spouses have to serve in certain parts of the world. However, emotionally saying goodbye to them can be so difficult, especially since our country has been at war for so long.

15 Years…

I still remember that day very well. I had just started my last semester of college. Being on the west coast, I woke up to the news. I got ready for classes and drove the 20 minutes to my college. Back in 2001, the internet was something you used on your computer. We did not get the news as quickly as we did today. Because of that, not everyone in my college class had heard the news. Those that had told them.

We talked about what happened. We talked about possible war and what that would mean. All of it seemed so surreal. I met my now husband for lunch that day, we were just dating back then. I still remember him driving me home after lunch and dropping me off in the downtown area so I could grab a newspaper. I still have it. The newspaper was printed as soon as possible and the paper is a reminder of the shock of that day. Every time I see that photo of the planes crashing into the towers, I remember how surprised I was and how at the time none of us really knew what that all meant.

Time has moved on.

I got married and had three children. They were born after this tragedy. Anyone under the age of 15 was not born yet, most of the current college-aged adults were too young to even remember. Our country has moved on in some ways and in others ways we have not. The threats are still real. The military is still fighting and we can’t ever forget those who died on that day. Their stories, their families, and the strength that each one of them showed.

You might be too young to remember, maybe you were just a child and all you know about that day was that your parents watched the news instead of letting you watch Sesame Street. Maybe you were like me, in college, getting ready to start your adult life, going out into the world so different than the one you started college in. Maybe you were a young military bride, whose husband joined the Army, assuming a peacetime enlistment. Maybe you were pregnant with your first child when your husband who had been debating enlisting decided that it was now time. Maybe you were a soldier who had served in the first Gulf War and knew that more war was coming.

Whoever you are, whatever you were doing that day or whatever you have done since, never forget what happened. Never forget how close we came to a country in the months and even years after the attack. Remember everyone who died on 9/11 or anyone who died since in the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan.

I know I will never forget that day in September of 2001 and I will never forget the days my husband left for his deployments. I pray that as time moves on, the world becomes a safer place. That the evil that comes from these types of attacks is able to be stopped and that we will always think of 9/11 as a day to be a strong country and one that sticks together through our tragedies and through our happier days.

If you care to share, what were you doing the morning of 9/11/01? Do you remember?

 

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

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8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

I am happy to have a guest post from Heather from HappyFitNavyWife.com.

Traffic on the freeway moved at a fair pace. As we headed north to Pennsylvania from Virginia (hoping to avoid the DC traffic snarl) I remembered a picture I’d seen on Facebook earlier in the day.

The instant I saw it, I had immediately wondered if Adam had seen it and how he felt about it. Now that he was sitting next to me in the driver’s seat, I asked, “Did you see that pic of your dad and brother?”

“Yeah”

“Did it make you sad?”

“Yeah.”

His brother and dad stood proudly on the dock after a day of fishing of his uncle’s fishing boat. The both held up giant tuna fish they’d caught 40 miles off the Oregon coast. Adam is very close to his dad and brother, and I knew he would be bummed to miss out– again– on a special trip like this.

Sometimes the sacrifices of Navy life are hard to take. Maybe missing out on one or two things isn’t that bad, but over the years they add up.

This isn’t the first time Adam or I have missed out on family happenings:
Adam missed his brother’s wedding long ago (and apparently gave a very moving, tear-jerking video speech as best man).
My heart broke being on opposite coasts from my mom as she went through surgery & recovery for breast cancer.
Missing out is part of the deal when living on the other side of the continent.

But that fact doesn’t make it easier to take.

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

So why does any Sailor, Soldier, Marine, Airmen or Coast Guardsmen make a commitment that rips them from family, sends them places they may or may not want to go, and controls their lives for a set period of time?

Every service member has his or her own motivation, and some may have many. Here are some motivations I’ve heard over the years, each one valid in its own right:

Pride in country- Love of the USA and all it stands for, from the American dream to all the freedoms we enjoy.
Chance to make a difference- Some people find the military as a way to do something meaningful and beyond themselves.
Retirement and providing for family- Though it can come at great cost, the benefits draw some to stay in 20+ years, knowing they can provide their families with healthcare and other privileges.
Job security- The unknown of civilian job security, lack of available jobs, and/or not knowing what they’d like to do for a next career impacts the decision to stay in for some.
See the world- Many love the idea of adventure, travel, and the unique opportunities and friendships the military can provide.
A response to world events- World events such as 9-11 can spur some to join. They want to be a part of resolving the conflict and bringing justice.
Vocational training- Some people join to get trained in their desired field, such as the medical field, law, and other needed skill-sets. They pay for their training with military service rather than cash.
Free education- Some join to cover basic college costs, whether via ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps), a service academy such as the Naval Academy or West Point, or through the G.I. Bill. As with the vocational training, they pay for the cost of education with their military service.

When I asked Adam if he was sad to miss the fishing trip, we were on our way to meet up with some long-time Navy friends. Adam met them while stationed on a ship in San Diego, and I met them both after we got married and moved to Rhode Island. We hung out a lot as couples while stationed in Newport, RI and kept up over the years.

We also had the chance to visit them in Hawaii twice was a treat– once it was just me and my then-5-month old during a deployment.

In Pennsylvania, we cherished our time catching up over BBQs, country farmers markets and a trip to the bakery.

Even though as a military family we miss out on many things, we have the joy meeting amazing people and having friends all over the map. Despite the sacrifices, we gain a lot. And I feel great pride watching my husband achieve his goals and gain fulfilment in what motivated him early on in his career.

Though we have those moments that we realize we’re missing out– again– I know if we had it all to do over again, he’d make the same decision to join… and I’d still marry him.

xoxo,
Heather

What did I miss? What motivates you and your service member?

Heather Goffrier is a Navy wife of 6 years and mom to a spunky 3-year-old girl. When not blogging over at HappyFitNavyWife.com, Heather enjoys Bible study with girlfriends, family adventures, and traveling as often as possible. She loves sharing about her experiences as a military wife & mom as well as her love of health. You can find Heather on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter.

Questions to Ask Before They Re-Enlist in the Military

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Questions to Ask Before They Re-Enlist in the Military

Questions to Ask Before They Re-Enlist in the Military

Re-enlisting! For some, re-enlisting is a done deal. They don’t have to question the decision. They are in the military the for the long haul. 20+ years is the plan and that is what they intend to do. For others, re-enlisting is a challenging decision to make. There is always a lot to think about. Some couples will go back and forth on the decision for months and months.

Here are some questions you and your spouse can ask before they make the decision to re-enlist or not…

1. Do they enjoy the military? One big factor that is important is that the person signing up for the military somewhat enjoys what they are doing. If not, they are going to be miserable. There is a lot about the military that is difficult and frustrating for both the spouse and the service member, however, at the end of the day, does your service member like what they do? Do they accept the military for what it is and still want to put on that uniform? If so, re-enlisting is probably the right choice.

2. What about the kids? Do you have kids? How do they handle military life? Do you want to have children but want to wait until military life is over? Is it time to move on to your post-military life because of that? You know your own children and what they need. You know what military life will be like for them. Think about what would be best and if going on in the military is the best choice for the whole family.

3. Is this best for their career? Every service member is on a career path. Do they have 12 years in? Would it be better to finish out their 20 years before they did something else? Trying to figure out what to do for a career is a challenge. Do they want to give up the military path for something different or do they want to continue on in the military, move up the ranks and see their career go that way?

4. Age? Age can make a difference. If your spouse is 22, that is the same age a lot of people are when they graduate college. That is a good age to start over and do something else. It’s a lot harder to start a new career when you are in your late 30s or 40s. On the other hand, if they are older, they might find the military harder on their body and will wish to change to something a little less physical.

5. What else would you do? If your service member is going to get out of the military, they need to figure something else to do. This can be challenging. The military can be very different from the civilian world. Some people do have an idea of what they want to do and others have a more difficult time finding something that works.

6. Should you change your MOS? Sometimes re-enlisting for a different MOS is the best thing to do. Your service member might want a change or feel like a different MOS might make their experience in the military a little better. If this is something they are thinking about, talk about the different MOS choices and figure out which one would be the best to look into.

Trying to decide on re-enlisting can be difficult. Sometimes you just know when it is time to leave and other times it can be a bit more complicated than that.

Are you and your spouse trying to decide what to do about their future in the military? How do you figure out whether to re-enlist or not?

How Deployments Taught Me About the Importance of Family Time with DAV

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How Deployments Taught Me About the Importance of Family Time with DAV

Military Couple

Deployments

My husband has been home from his last deployment for almost three years now. He deployed 4 times to both Iraq and Afghanistan within 7 years. He left for the first time in 2006, returning at the end of 2007. He then deployed again in 2008, 2011 and 2013. He returned from what might have been his very last deployment in December of 2013.

Over the years since then, we have been able to get back to a more normal life. Although he has worked in civilian jobs where he has been away at times and he has his monthly guard duties, he has not been away for an extended amount of time since 2013. As a wife, I am very happy about this. As a mother, I am glad my boys don’t have to miss their father anymore.

During all our deployments, I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be more patient, that the little things don’t matter quite as much and that family time is precious.

Family Time is Important

Now that deployments are in my past, I look at our time together as something we sometimes had to go without. Whether we are all just hanging out together at home, going to the park or the movies or out on a day trip, I never want to forget what it was like to not have that.

There were plenty of weekends where I sat in my house alone with little children while I watched friends and even family spend time together. There have been plenty of times I have turned down invitations and not been able to go places because it was too difficult to do as the only parent. My husband has missed anniversaries and all the other holidays at one point or another.

These days, I try to plan for our family to do something together every weekend. We take advantage of what our community has to offer and enjoy going to parks and sometimes out to see a new movie. We took a lot of pool trips together this summer. We haven’t been able to travel too much lately but I’m hoping for a trip in the future that we can take together.

When you are able to spend that family time together on a regular basis, you are able to create memories with your children in a different way than when one of their parents is gone.

After four deployments, I am always aware of how special family time can be. I hope that I will never take advantage of being able to have my husband home with us on a regular basis. When he isn’t home, the days are just not the same. Deployments can be hard on a military spouse but I have learned that they can also help you become a better person with a different perspective on life.

DAV Victories for Veterans

America’s veterans achieve personal victories overcoming challenges great and small each and every day! DAV (Disabled American Veterans) is a nonprofit organization that is on a mission to help veterans succeed after military service and get the benefits they were promised.

Here is a little bit about what DAV is doing:

  • Each year, DAV helps veterans file more than 300,000 claims for VA benefits and stays with them through every step of the process.
  • DAV volunteers provide more than 700,000 rides each year to help veterans get to and from medical appointments at no cost to the veteran.
  • With nearly 1.3 million members, DAV’s powerful voice ensures that veterans are heard at the local, state and Federal level.
  • With nearly 1,300 chapters, DAV provides a national network of local support for veterans and their families.

Each year, they help more than one million veterans of all generations in life-changing ways. You can visit their website to learn more.

DAV (Disabled American Veterans) is a non-profit organization that is on a mission to help America’s veterans achieve more victories. To learn more about DAV, visit dav.org.

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of DAV. The opinions and text are all mine. While I am proud to support DAV and their mission, I have not been a beneficiary of DAV services.

8 Tips for Military Spouses That Struggle With Anxiety

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8 Tips for Military Spouses That Struggle With Anxiety

Anxiety is rough. Anxiety goes beyond worry and a lot of time anxiety doesn’t make any sense. Anxiety can be brought on by stress and can be very difficult to deal with. As a military spouse, anxiety can bring up even more issues and knowing what to do when anxiety hits can be difficult.

8 Tips for Military Spouses That Struggle With Anxiety

Over the years I have experienced anxiety as a military spouse. I have cried more than I should. I have felt physical pain because of how anxious I was. I have been anxious about my kids, my car, my home, my husband, my future, money or anything else that could come up. I hate anxiety and yet some days I wake up to it, wishing it would leave me alone.

When you have a basic worry about something, you can look at the facts of the situation and talk yourself into not worrying about that issue anymore. Anxiety is a little different. Anxiety is feeling like you are worried about something but it might not even be a logical worry. Because it isn’t always so logical, anxiety is a lot more difficult to deal with.

Here are 8 tips for military spouses that struggle with anxiety:

1. It isn’t just you- Remember that you are not the only military spouse struggling with anxiety. You are not the only one trying to figure out how to be a supportive military spouse and dealing with the anxious thoughts you have or the pressure you feel from your anxiety. So many of us are dealing with this too.

2. It might not make sense- Anxiety is weird and as I said before, anxiety doesn’t always make any sense. I ask myself all the time why some days getting in a car is so hard for me and others it is as normal as brushing my teeth.

3. Seek extra help- If your anxiety gets to the point where you feel like you just can’t live a normal life anymore, talk to your doctor about what is going on. See about going to see a counselor. This will help a lot. Just being able to talk to a non-judgemental person who can offer you good advice can really go a long way.

4. Create a peaceful place in your home- When my husband was deployed the last time I created a special place in my home that I could go to when I was feeling really anxious. This allowed me a safe place where I could cry things out, write in my journal or just get back to a better place. See if you can create a place like this in your home to go to when you are feeling anxious.

5. Talk to others about anxiety- Talking to others about anxiety is helpful. People, in general, want to present themselves as having everything all together but so many of us are struggling with something. Talk to your good friends about what is going on. They might be able to offer their own stories and you can help one another out.

6. Take time for yourself- Yes, we need to stay busy during a deployment but we also need to take care of ourselves. If going out every day is too much for you, take a day off for yourself. If taking on one more thing is going to be too much, just say no. Make sure you are finding ways to take care of you even if it is something simple like a nightly bubble bath.

7. Dance it out- Dance, work out, do yoga, walk, run, find some type of exercise that you can do every day. This will help motivate you to get out of your house and help you as you make your way through military life.

8. Tell your spouse- Talk to your spouse about your struggles. Let them know how they can help. They might not understand what you are going through. They might not see how hard something simple is for you sometimes. Be open and honest with them so they can help support you.

Anxiety is something I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life. Whether my husband is in the military or not. Whether we are going through difficult situations or not. Having good methods to help with my anxiety is a must.

Do you struggle with anxiety? What helps?