When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier
I couldn’t believe he was leaving again. Just two weeks before we had thought that he wasn’t going to go. Now he was and it was time to say goodbye…read more.
army wife
For the Military Spouse
For the Military Spouse…
For the spouse who is getting ready for her first deployment…
For the spouse who is getting ready for his fifth deployment…
For the spouse who has to tell his kids, that mommy misses them…
For the spouse who can’t wait until bedtime to have a good cry and some me time…
For the spouse who writes letter after letter and stands in very long lines to send a package over there…
For the spouse who has to take a back seat to a very demanding career…
For the spouse that loves being a SAHM while her husband serves in the military…
For the spouse that works her own career right along with her husband…
For the spouse who served in the past…
For the spouse who currently serves too…
For the spouse who can’t sleep a wink the night before homecoming…
For the spouse who has to drive her husband back to the airport, kiss him goodbye and figure out how to get through the rest of a deployment after R&R…
For the spouse who sits in a lonely house waiting for a phone call…
For the spouse who gets on an airplane alone with her three young children just to take them to Grandma’s for the summer…
For the spouse who gathers with friends to get through a deployment…
For the spouse that has to say goodbye to friends to move to a new duty station…
For the spouse, that has to make new friends…
For the spouse who gets a phone call that something went wrong…
For the spouse worried about the knock on the door…
For the spouse that has received a knock on the door…
For the spouse that doesn’t want to be a military spouse anymore…
For the spouse that doesn’t ever want her husband to leave the military…
For the spouse that is counting down the days until he will ETS…
For the spouse that is on the other side of the country from everything she has ever known…
For the spouse that was able to stay close to home for her husband’s first assignment…
For the spouse who has trouble making friends…
For the spouse who stays behind when everyone else is moving away…
For the spouse who has to stay behind so her son can finish high school…
For the spouse who gives birth without her husband…
For the spouse that grew up in the military…
For the spouse who never thought the military would be a part of her life…
For every spouse from every time period. You are amazing. You do great things. You are stronger than you think you are. You are one of the few and without you, the military would be a very different type of place. You do things others never have to think about. You cry, you vent, you laugh and you smile. You do the best that you can so that you can support your spouse.
Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Month!
What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military
What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military
Whatever situation you are in or whatever situation you have been in, you did have to make the decision to become a military spouse. You had to decide that YES, you wanted to spend your life with someone who is in the military. That YES, you wanted to become his wife or her husband which meant becoming a military spouse and everything that would include.
So, what does being married to someone in the military mean? What would life be like to marry your boyfriend who is now a soldier? What does it mean when your husband of five years wants to join the Marines? What would it mean to marry the person you are in love with knowing that marrying them meant moving across the country and living as a military spouse?
Here are some things you need to think about when trying to make this decision:
Saying Goodbye Will Be A Part Of Your Life
No matter who you are or what type of military spouse you are, you will have to say goodbye and often. You will have to sleep alone. You will have to wait for orders and your future. This is all a part of military life. How long they are gone and how often they will go can vary but the truth is, you will have to say goodbye to your spouse on a regular basis. If you can’t even imagine that being a part of your life, you are going to have a difficult time as a military spouse.
You Will Have To Be Away From Home
If your spouse is going to be going Active duty, you most likely will have to move away from home. In some cases, you can try to stay if your home is near a military installation or if your spouse does some type of duty that allows him to live close by to where you are from. However, in most cases, you will not be able to stay there for their entire career and you will have to move away. You could end up across the country, across the world or just the next state over. You never really know and sometimes you don’t get a say, especially as they move up in rank.
The Kid Thing
Ahh, kids. When you are thinking about the future and having kids, do you think about how your spouse might not be there? It’s a sad reality that they might miss your pregnancy, the birth and the 1st year. They could miss the terrible 2s or kindergarten. They could miss out on so much and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that but accept that. Can you handle that? Some people don’t think they can. I thought I could and it was harder than I could have ever imagined. For some military couples, they don’t plan to have kids while in the military. Their plan is to have them later on in life and that is an option as well. However, a lot of people don’t want to wait on kids and many military families have them during those years when the service member might not always be home. You need to be prepared for that.
The “D” Word
Your spouse might deploy for just a few months at a time. They might deploy for a year. They might have to deploy too often or get frustrated that they are not able to go and do their job. Deployments are rough. From the pre-deployment stage to after they come home and everyone tries to get back to normal life. If there are no deployments there will be trainings or other reasons they have to go away for weeks or months at a time. There is no way around that.
The Community
I have talked about the hard parts of military life. The parts that make it difficult to want to commit to this life. The reasons some people get out of the military before they thought they would. But what about the good things about military life? The community of military spouses that you will become a part of. The thing is, as hard as life gets, you won’t be alone in going through them. Many other spouses would have gone through what you are going to have to go through. Many spouses get that and can offer a listening ear. You will make some of your closest friends as military spouses. Friends that will help you through solo parenting, deployments, pcsing and even retirement.
Is It Worth It?
Is military life worth it? Is your love worth it? Only you can answer that. Only you know what you can handle and what you can’t. I will tell you that if in your heart of hearts that you know you should be with this person, you should be with them whether that includes military life or not. That is a special kind of love and you don’t want to walk away from it because you are scared of the future or what military life is really going to be like.
Are you a new military spouse? Are you dating a service member?
What are you most worried about when it comes to committing to military life?
All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life
15 Months
11 Months
5.5 Months
6.5 Months
= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.
This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.
WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.
Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.
He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.
He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.
Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.
He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.
His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.
To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.
Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.
I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.
I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.
There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.
As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.
You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.
Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.
What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?
Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment
Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment!
Deployment! I know I talk about deployment quite a bit on this blog. Deployments have been such a part of my life for so long, I have a lot to share. As time goes by, I get further away from my deployments but they still will always stick with me.
I have been thinking about what I would need if I was a new Military spouse getting ready for her first deployment. I know I would need encouragement, I would need to know it was going to be okay, and I think some sort of guide would help.
I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead. A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.
So here we go…
Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.
Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.
Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.
Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.
Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.
Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.
Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.
Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.
Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.
Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all his favorite items in there.
Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint and get started.
Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people.
Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.
Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.
Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.
Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.
Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.
Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.
Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.
Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.
Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?
Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.
Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.
Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.
Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.
Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal.
Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that man more than anyone else.
Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.
Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.
Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC.
Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. Doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.
Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.
Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!
Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.
What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment
We all know that there are positives to every deployment. We also know how hard they can be and how badly you might miss your spouse when they are away. Sometimes it is just the little everyday things that you miss the most.
This is my list of what I missed the most when he was gone on a deployment…
* Being with me when the boys have activities like soccer practice/games. I video tape but still…not the same!
* My weekend “break”- When my husband is home I am able to get out for a few hours all by myself. Even if it is a 15 minute run to the store.
* Sundays after church- I just want to go out to lunch with my husband, I miss that when he is not home.
* Sundays at church- I miss sitting by him & holding hands during the service. It is just not the same sitting there with just the kids or even by myself.
* Having someone to bounce little ideas/questions off of. I like hearing his opinion about life and whatever might be on my mind. I can also ask him if I am just being crazy about something or just his thought on the subject.
* Watching a movie with him. I end up watching more movies when he is gone but I love it when we can watch them together. And then talk about how weird or silly they were.
* Hearing his opinion on shows like the Bachelor or Army Wives. He just cracks me up with his thoughts. I always miss that humor.
* His jokes. My husband is a very silly man and always trying to make a joke. Even if they are pretty corny, I miss them when he is not around. I find myself craving his jokes because they are very much a part of who he is.
Distance is hard, and missing the day-to-day can really get to you. On the other hand, it can really make you appreciate your time together even more. When he is home, you can be thankful for all those little moments that you have together. I know that since my husband joined the Army in 2005, I have been able to really appreciate all the little things when he is home.
What would you add to this list? What do you miss the most during a deployment???
100 Days Of Deployment
We are here. 100 days of deployment have been conquered. Technically we will hit 100 days over the weekend.
Last week we hit the three-month mark. I had planned to blog about it. How I was doing much better. How life was getting better. How I was not as sad and upset as I had been. How I had hope that this was going to end. Then Thursday night happened. My air went out again…and the frustration of the last few months fell on my shoulders. I was right back to where I started, at least that is what it felt like. I tried my best to go on and do what needed to be done but it was hard. This last week, I was pretty down. I didn’t want to be around people much. I just wanted to sit, with a fan on me and relax.
Today is much better. I am feeling better once again. I feel more like myself. I feel the days are passing. I feel like we can do this.
I hate the ups and downs that a deployment brings. One day is good, one day is bad. It can eat at you. When you feel so upset and down that you and your spouse and living separate lives. When you feel like no one really understands. When you feel like if you could just make it to bedtime, you would make it. Those times are so very difficult for us Military Spouses.
Deployments can be a journey. They can be a time to reflect on yourself and figure out what needs improvement. They can be a time to learn something new. They can be a time where you might be forced to act outside of your comfort zone.
Once you hit 100 days you can’t help but realize that you are making it through the months. That time is passing. When you think about how long it is since you saw your loved one, you can’t help but think about how making it that many days means you are getting through it. Even if your deployment is a year-long, 100 days is still a great milestone to hit.
Hitting 100 days means you are no longer new to the deployment. It means that you are in the “middle” of the deployment. It means that once you go another 100 days you will have gotten through most of it and homecoming should be close to being around the corner.
I look back at the last 100 days and I seriously wonder how we got here. It felt like I got here on my hands and knees. It has not been easy and I do not feel like the time has passed quickly, quite the opposite.
However, I know the next 100 days will not be as bad. They can’t be. We are already “doing” the deployment. We are more used to not having my husband home. It still hurts and some days still really really suck but there is a little bit of hope there that was not there before.
So to you reading this, if you just started your deployment, I understand. I was just there. I still remember how hard it can be. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time or if you need to one breath at a time. It might not seem like time is passing at first, but it will. It might seem like you will feel the way you do forever, but you won’t.
Where are you on your deployment journey?
0f3e4d45ad6744c4d1ac13d71cc0d4c07dfd741e3f5824f747
How Kids Handle Deployment
For this week’s Blue Star Families post I will be talking about the kids and how they are handling the deployment.
We are almost two months in and as far as my kids go I think they are handling it well. There are our normal kid issues, me feeling burned out all the time and the solo parenting but I don’t see them struggling too much which is a good thing.
My almost nine year old gets sad. He also knows that I need more help and is offering it. Today he took in all of the groceries from the car and put every single one of them away. Then he went on to make himself a sandwich. Just little things like that I have never had before during a deployment. It is really nice.
My six year old has Asperger’s and he told me he doesn’t care that Ben is gone. This makes me sad but it is just how he is. He is all about Mom so even though Daddy is there for him when he is home, him being away doesn’t seem to be bothering him.
My two year old has surprised me a bit. He is such a big Daddy’s boy. He would ask when Daddy would be home when Ben was just at work during the day. I was worried he would cry everyday or something. So far he has been okay with it. If you ask him where Daddy is he will say, “he is gone” and that is all.
I know how lucky I am that my kids are doing okay with all of this. I know it can be really hard on children. Maybe it will show up later on in life or maybe not.
I also wanted to share that there are some great resources on the Everyone Serves Site that can help you during a deployment. One of these resources are some worksheets you can fill out. If you are having a rough time you might want to check out, Coping During Deployment: A Checklist. It will give you a nice list of things to remember during a deployment. This list has really helped me out on those days where I just want to crawl into a hole until my husband comes home.
What is the best way you have found to cope during a deployment?
Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.