Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

When The Deployment Orders Come

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When The Deployment Orders Come

I remember the day so clearly, even though it has been over 11 years. Hearing the news that my husband was, in fact, going to deploy. That the deployment orders had been cut and that he would be leaving in about a month. His first combat deployment. My first deployment as his spouse.

After months of the back and forth, the rumors of when and if they were going to go, of wondering what the future would bring, deployment orders were finally cut.

Now, as a military spouse, I had to figure out how I was going to deal with all of this. How was I going to make it through? I had a toddler, I was pregnant, and I was pretty far from home. I had to get through this one way or another, even if I wasn’t sure how I was going to do so at that moment.

When The Deployment Orders Come

When deployment orders come, the first reaction is to have a major freak out. You might cry, you might get angry, you might feel like you have lost everything.

Then, you start asking questions. How long will they be gone? Where will they be going? Will we get to talk to one another? How often?

You start to figure out how you are going to get through all of this. Should you go home for the deployment? Should you stay? What about the kids? Is this the right time to start preschool?

You get sad because you start to think about what they will miss when they are gone. Your 30th birthday, your son’s first day of kindergarten, the birth of your 3rd child. You wonder how you will document all those events enough to make them feel like they are there, knowing nothing you can do will replace them being there in person.

When The Deployment Orders Come

You think about your friends, you figure out how to find new ones, and maybe just maybe you decide to give your FRG a try. Afterall, these other spouses will be going through the same thing as you; you have to find a friend among them, right?

You want to tell everyone he is leaving, but you know you can’t. And even if you could you are not sure you are ready for all the questions and worried comments from others. You want their support; you don’t want their pity.

A few days go by, and you realize that you can, in fact, make it through this big hurdle called deployment.

Others have done so; maybe you have even done so in the past. You start making deployment bucket lists, you start setting things up, you start figuring out what you need to get through.

When The Deployment Orders Come

You watch as your spouse starts to buy things for the deployment. You watch as they pack their bags, trying to hold back a tear. You take family photos, go on one last-minute trip, and try to think positively about them leaving.

And then the day before they deploy is here. You can’t believe this is happening. Deployments get canceled, right? You wonder if that would ever happen to you.

You have one last dinner, one last bedtime, one last night together.

You wake up, the day they deploy, knowing they have to go. Knowing this is real. Feeling numb throughout the whole thing. And then, you drop them off, you say goodbye, and the countdown begins.

So many military spouses have gone through all of this before. As soon as those deployment orders come, you start to figure out what is next and how you will get through. The good news is that you can find support, you are not the only military spouse going through a deployment, and that you will figure out how to make it through, even if it is just one day at a time.

What has helped the most after you found our your spouse received orders to deploy? What is your best deployment tip?

When The Deployment Orders Come

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn’t Come Home Every Night

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Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every Night

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn’t Come Home Every Night

When my son was a baby, I was a stay at home mom with a civilian husband. He came home at the same time every night. He didn’t go on business trips, he didn’t go away on trainings, he never deployed.

All that changed when he joined the Army in November of 2005. Since he had been in the military before, he didn’t have to redo basic and went right off to Germany. My life changed entirely when that happened.

When I got over to Germany 4.5 months later, I got pregnant with my second little boy, and my husband deployed when I was 25 weeks along. Over the next few years, he would be gone more than he was home and I tried to make the best of this type of life.

As a stay at home mom, I couldn’t wait until he came home every night. Some days were very long, especially when it was just a baby and me. However, when he joined the military and then when he was deployed no one was coming home every night. It was just my kids and me for days, weeks, and months in a row.

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every Night

How does one get through this? What is the best thing to when you are a stay at home mom whose spouse doesn’t come home every night?

Go somewhere every day

As a stay at home mom, it is a good idea to go somewhere every day. As a stay at home with a spouse who isn’t home, it is even more important. You want to get out of the house, even if it is just for an hour or two. If you truly have nowhere to go, take a walk, go to a playground, and do something. Getting out will help break up the day and help wear out your kids.

Early bedtimes

Early bedtimes are your friend. If you can get your kids to bed early, you will have a much easier night. Not only will this give you time to yourself but it makes the whole evening pass a lot quicker. Make dinner, feed them, get them ready for bed, and you have finished another day.

Get your me time in, it’s important

Your me time during a deployment is very important. It doesn’t matter how you spend that time. Some people like to watch tv, others read or work on another hobby. Enjoy the quiet hours when your kids are sleeping, and you truly have time to yourself.

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every NightInvite friends over

When I was in Kentucky, and my husband was in Germany, I made friends with another mom whose husband worked very late on Tuesday nights. She would invite us all over that night so we could hang out and have dinner together. This was an excellent way to get through the nights alone. The kids can play, the moms can talk. It was perfect.

Talk to your friends

During one deployment, a friend and I always got online to chat after our kids went to bed. Sure, we were also waiting for our husbands to get online too, but if they never did, we still had someone to talk to. It helps to have a friend to vent to, talk about your day with, and be there for. Even if they don’t live near you. Modern technology makes that possible.

Being both mom and dad to your kids can be quite challenging. You don’t have someone to take over for you after a long day, you don’t have another adult in the house to talk with at night, and you have to keep going even when you don’t want to. But hopefully, these tips can help!

Remember, deployments don’t last forever, and your spouse will eventually return and your solo parenting days will be over, at least for a while.

What are your best tips for surviving as a stay at home mom when your spouse is deployed? 

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

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Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Have you ever been mad at the military? I know I have. What is the best thing to do in that situation? Venting about it to my friends can help, but in the end, there is nothing anyone can do to help my situation. The Army did what the Army does, and there isn’t anything I can do to change that.

So out comes my journal, and I write all about how angry I am at the Army, how unfair I feel this decision was, and how I wish things were better. No one will ever read what I wrote, and I feel better about dealing with the situation.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Other times, especially during a deployment, I have missed my husband so much I couldn’t get it together. Out came my journal, and I started to write. I let everything out. How sad I was, how frustrated I was, how I wish things were different.

Sitting down with my journal is very therapeutic. Just to get things out, to write out what I am feeling, to express myself in that way, it helps.

There are many different tips about how to get through a deployment, writing in a journal is one of them and with good reason. There are so many benefits to doing so.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Writing in a journal can help with your stress and anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, you know how it can be hard to get others to understand. Your journal doesn’t judge. Your journal lets you talk about what is going on, even if you feel you are alone in what you are struggling with.

Writing in a journal can help you put things in perspective. Sometimes what we most worry about can be dealt with by thinking about the big picture. A journal can help you see what that is.

Writing in a journal is relaxing. You can make journal writing apart of your routine. Grab a cup of coffee, grab your journal, and write a little before your kids wake up or get home from school. Pull out your journal before bed each night. Your journal can become a comfort item for you.

Writing in a journal allows you to record your days. Having a record of your day to day can be fun. As your children grow up, you can look back at what life was like two years ago, five years, or even ten. Journaling can also be a good way to remember what happened when your spouse was gone so you can share with them later.

Writing in a journal allows you to reflect on what you have been through. Since I have journaled through every deployment, I can look back at the first week, the first month, how I felt after R&R, or even how I felt that last week. Reading back reminds me how difficult things were and what I was able to accomplish when my husband was gone.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

When I went to see a counselor during our 4th deployment, she told me to journal three pages every day to help. And that is what I tried to do. Writing in my journal was the best way to get my stress and anxiety out. I tried to do that to get myself in a better place, and journaling helped get me there.

I am a big fan of paper journals. There are so many cute ones out there and picking a new one is always a fun thing to do. Other people keep a journal on their computers. It doesn’t matter. Just find a way that works for you.

If you have never journaled before, give it a try. You might find it works well and can help you through your next deployment. No one will read what you write, and no one will judge you for what you have to say.

Do you keep a journal???

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

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When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

There is never such a thing as a good deployment. I don’t think very many spouses jump for joy when they hear the news their soldier will have to deploy. There is a lot of sadness that comes with the news. However, there can be deployments and there can be really bad deployments.

Some deployments are really bad because they are too long.

Some deployments are really bad because more than a few people lose their life or come home injured.

Some deployments are really bad because they come at the worst possible time for that particular family. Whether it is because of a child or a marriage or something else.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

 

Some deployments are really bad because you don’t feel emotionally ready for them to begin.

Some deployments are really bad because you never thought that this deployment would happen.

Whatever the reason, starting a really bad deployment can hit you emotionally. These deployments can cause a lot of pain and tears.

So what do you do if you are in this situation?

What should you do when the orders have been cut, you know when they are leaving, and you feel like you just can’t deal with everything?

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

1) Find a battle buddy. You need one. It doesn’t have to be someone who is also going through a deployment but that can help. Find someone you can call at 11 pm at night because your 2-year-old has a 104 fever and you need someone to watch your three other kids.

Find someone you can go to coffee with. Find someone who will not judge you and you will walk with you through the whole deployment. If you are new or all your friends moved away, go places where you can meet people. MOPS, PWOC, FRG, book club or even the gym are perfect places to make new friends.

2) Start to see a counselor. This is what I had to do. I had never been to one before but when I felt the floor falling underneath me at the thought of my husband deploying again, I knew I had to go.

You can easily do this through Tricare. They pay for at least eight visits, maybe more. Go to Military One Source for more information. Don’t feel any shame in this at all. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to about everything going on in our lives.

3) Make plans. Fill up your calendar. Plan a trip, plan a visit home, plan to start classes or something else you have always wanted to do. You are going to need to stay busy. The busier you are, the better things will be. If you can have things in place before they even leave, all the better.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

4) Cry when you need to. I think sometimes Military spouses feel they need to be strong every hour of every day. The truth is, we need to let it out sometimes.

After the kids go to bed, have a good cry, write in your journal, grab a glass of wine and turn on a fun movie. It is okay to be sad about this. Deployments are hard and they are not any fun. Cry when you need to. Doing so will be good for you.

Deployments can be hard on people. They can seem too overwhelming and something you wish would just go away. The fact is, if you are married to someone in the Military, they will be part of your life eventually. The best thing to do when faced with one is get prepared as much as you can. Hopefully, these tips can help you get ready for your next time of separation.

What would you add to this list?

Thank You For Your Service

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Thank You For Your Service

This post contains affiliate links!

Thank You For Your Service

In August of 2006, my husband deployed with his Unit out of Schweinfurt, Germany to Iraq. In January of 2007, President George W. Bush increased the number of American troops to provide security to Baghdad and Al Anbar Province. He extended the tour of most of the Army troops and some of the Marines.

In April of 2007, we got the news that our husbands would not be home in June, but that they would be a part of this surge. My husband returned in November of 2007 after a 15-month deployment.

On October 27th of this year, the movie Thank You For Your Service will be coming out starting Miles Teller, Haley Bennett, and Amy Schumer. The movie, which is directed by Jason Hall, is based on the book by David Finkel, Thank You For Your Service. 

Finkel was embedded with the men of the 2-16 Infantry Battalion during the surge in Iraq where he wrote his best-selling book, The Good Soldiers. Thank You For Your Service is about these same men when they returned home after their 15-month deployment.

The movie is the story of soldiers returning from war, dealing with the aftermath and trying to move forward. Miles Teller plays SGT Adam Schumann, a soldier who leaves Iraq as a broken man and Haley Bennett plays Saskia Schumann, Schumann’s wife.

From the previews I have seen, this movie looks to be very good, yet will be hard for a lot of us to watch. Even as I type this, I am getting emotional thinking about that deployment and everything the men and the spouses went through and are still going through, 10 years later.

I think this is an important story for all Americans to hear about. To know what those who have served have been through and what really can happen after the homecoming. That not everyone returns from a war the same and that there is so much that has to be worked through, especially after such a long deployment.

And for those of us that can identify with this on a personal level, I hope we can talk to others about what we have been through, and find support through one another.

Thank You For Your Service will be in theaters October 27th. 

 

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

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25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

One of the most popular topics that come up in military spouse circles is if you should go home for a deployment or stay where you are. There are a lot of different opinions on this issue from those who go home even before their spouse leaves to others who wouldn’t even go home to visit.

You need to figure out if going home for a deployment is right for you or if staying where you are is the better choice. In case you are trying to decide, here are 25 reasons to not go home for a deployment:

  • Because you love your home

When you love your own home, why would you want to leave it for an extended period of time?

  • Because you want to be around other military spouses

Going through a deployment with other military spouses can be a very good thing. You guys can support each other.

  • Because your kids are in school

When you kids start school, it is a lot harder to pull them out to move somewhere new. You want them to stay put.

  • Because your kids are involved in the community

Whether they like to play sports or are involved in local art groups, your kids might be really involved in your local community. Moving them when you don’t have to can be a big loss.

  • Because you would lose your house

In a lot of cases, if you move home for the deployment, you could lose your home. It’s possible that you can easily get a new home when you get back but you will still have to worry about moving your stuff out when you leave.

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

  • Because you don’t have a good place to stay back at home

If you don’t have a good place to stay back home, going back doesn’t make sense.

  • Because home is now where you live, not where your family is

When I say home, you might think where you live now, not where your family is.

  • Because you want to be involved in the FRG

The FRG can be a lifesaver during a deployment. You might be someone who wants to be involved in that. Leaving would make doing so a lot harder.

  • Because you like where you are stationed

If you like where you are stationed, you won’t want to leave.

  • Because you want to explore where you live now

During the deployment is the perfect time to explore where you live. Then you can bring your spouse to your favorite places after they get back.

  • Because your best friends live at your duty station

If you have best friends at your duty station, leaving them would make things harder, not easier.

  • Because your spouse would like you to stay

In some cases, your spouse might prefer you stay put. This is something to discuss and talk about so you can come up with the right decision for your family.

  • Because you want to be there in case they come home early

Sometimes deployments do get cut short and in that case, it can be hard to move back to your duty station in enough time. Staying put can avoid that.

  • Because you have a job

If you have a job, you will want to stay where you are and work on your career.

  • Because you are in school

School is important too. And moving home can complicate your educational schedule.

25 Reasons To Not Go Home For A Deployment

  • Because you have 100 house projects you want to work on when they are gone

Working on projects is one way to stay busy during a deployment. If you have projects you want to work on, stay in your own home and get them done.

  • Because you have pets

Uprooting pets isn’t the easiest thing in the world, and then you have to find a place where all of your can live.

  • Because you don’t get along with your family

Why would you want to move in with people you really don’t get along with?

  • Because you know you won’t get any support back home

If you don’t have a support system, the deployment is going to be a lot more difficult. You need that deployment support.

  • Because you have a good babysitter where you are now

Good babysitters are amazing. If you have one in your area, hang on to them and never let them go.

  • Because you feel safe where you are now

Feeling safe during a deployment is important.

  • Because you like living in a military community

Being in the military community can be what you need during a deployment. There is so much to gain from being in one.

  • Because you feel like you would go back a few years staying with your family for an extended period of time

Sometimes going back home makes you feel 17 again. If this is the case, going home for a deployment won’t be ideal.

  • Because you can always visit and don’t see the need to move

You can always visit home, maybe for a weekend or even a few weeks. You don’t have to completely move in to experience the benefits of spending some time with your family.

  • Because you simply don’t have to desire to spend the deployment anywhere but the home you and your spouse have created

At the end of the day, there are people that want to go home and others who don’t. Use this list as well as my list of 25 reasons to go home for a deployment to figure out what will work for you and your family.

What have you done during your deployments?

The Deployment Dread

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The Deployment Dread

Deployments! There was a period when deployments were my life. My husband was either preparing for a deployment, away on deployment, or newly home from one. It seemed like as soon as we had a few weeks together, they were talking about the next one.

This was exhausting!

Always feeling like I had to be prepared for a deployment started to get to me. That deployment dread, I hated feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way. But I also didn’t want to forget what was ahead.

This deployment dread is that pit in your stomach when you hear about your spouse going overseas.

The Deployment Dread

It is when you hear a name of a country on the news and realize that is where they could be headed. Deployment dread is recognizing that they are going to miss your son’s next birthday or the start of a new school year.

Deployment dread is not a good thing to have. But what can do you do about it? Here are some ideas!

Remember the benefits

Remember that there are benefits to a deployment. Some are financial, and some are emotional. Although most spouses would prefer their spouse not deploy, doing so can bring about positive changes in your home.

From paying off debt to your spouse being able to move ahead in their career. If you can focus on these things more than what they will be missing, dealing with the deployment dread will be easier.

The Deployment Dread

Focus on you

When you start to worry about the upcoming deployment, try to focus on yourself instead. What do you need to work on personally? What will you work on when they are gone?

For some this means going back to school, for others, this means working on a weight loss goal or even reorganizing their home. When you can come up with a list of deployment goals, you have something to focus on and get excited about even if your spouse is going to be away.

Enjoy your time together

Don’t turn the time you have together until the deployment starts into a depressing time. You will have break downs about a possible future deployment but overall, focus on spending time together. Make plans, have family time, go on dates, and talk about what you guys will do to connect the next time they have to go.

During the pre-deployment period, you might argue more than usual. This is normal but try not to let the arguing be your focus. Both of you are stressed because things could change soon. Work hard to make those memories together and enjoy all the time that you have before they have to go.

The Deployment Dread

Remember, this too shall pass

Whatever is ahead of you, remember, you will get through it. Time will pass. Days will go by. And no matter how hard things seem, you will make it through the deployment. Life is filled with ups and downs. Some years will be better than others. Deployment years are going to be more challenging than nondeployment years.

Sometimes the deployment dread can be a lot worse than when they actually leave for deployment. There are a lot of fears associated with a deployment. Some of them are valid, and some of them are not. Keep in mind that your upcoming deployment will probably surprise you, and at the end, you will look back and be amazed at what you have done.

The Deployment Dread

Connect with others

Find other military spouses to connect with. Whenever the deployment dread hits you, make plans with a friend or put something on the calendar where you can get out and meet people. Walking through the pre-deployment season with other spouses who understand will help you more than you realize.

Other spouses have been through this before and can give you good advice a long the way. And then, when the deployment starts, you will have people to depend on. You can help one another out, no matter how long the deployment might be.

Do you struggle with worrying about the next deployment even if there isn’t one on the calendar? How do you deal with it?