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Is It Time To Break Up With Your Military Boyfriend?

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My dating years were a long time ago. Think of the 90s before dating apps and smartphones. I always knew I wanted to be married someday, and I met my husband when I was 22 after a couple of boyfriends who were not the right match for one reason or another.

I had never dated someone in the military but was involved in several long-distance relationships. I hated them. I didn’t want to be a part from my boyfriend. I hated feeling like half of my life was where I lived and the other half was too many miles away. And we didn’t even have the military getting in our way.

Over the years, I have met many military girlfriends. Some become spouses, and some do not. I am not sure what the key ingredient is, but I also think there are some warning signs that girlfriends need to reflect on before they get more serious with their military service members.

Whether they are dating them during a deployment or not, their boyfriend will be under a lot of stress while serving in the military. Being a military girlfriend will be challenging for even the most committed of people.

There could be reasons why you need to walk away or maybe stay, depending on your circumstances. If you have ever asked yourself, “Should I break up with my military boyfriend?” this post should help you flesh out one way or another.

Something seems fishy

If you have never met in person before, you are running the risk of being scammed. Sadly, not everyone who claims to be in the military truly is. There are scams to get unsuspecting women to send money to their military boyfriend. However, he isn’t even in the military, and his reasons for needing the money don’t make any sense.

Some examples are telling their girlfriend that the military is not giving them food or will not let them come home from Iraq or Afghanistan without buying their own plane ticket. If you are dating someone online and things seem a bit fishy, you could get scammed. Ensure that the person you are with is who they say they are.

They cheat on you

There has to be trust in a military relationship. Without trust, everything falls apart. You will have to spend time apart. You might have to go weeks or even longer without regular communication.

You have to trust that he or she will be faithful to you. They have to trust that you are going to be faithful to them. If that trust gets broken, it can be hard to repair. While there are some cases when couples can move beyond cheating, in most situations, walking away is your best option.

Your gut is telling you to

I think deep down, we always know if we should be with someone or not, even if we can’t admit that out loud. I have been the girl who sat down with a pros and cons list about my current relationship. But looking back, it was evident that was not a good relationship.

I knew that, but I wanted everything to work out. Had I listened to my gut earlier, I would have saved myself some pain. Listen to your gut, do some soul searching, and you should be able to figure out if you should be with the person you are with. When I met my husband, my gut told me that, yes, he was a good guy and worth being with, and I listened.

They are abusive

This seems obvious, but sometimes it isn’t. Emotional abuse can be easy to hide. Threatening, bullying, being too controlling, criticizing you, and trying to manipulate you are all red flags. Things are not going to get better the longer you are together.

Marriage won’t fix things but will make them worse. If you feel like you are being abused, seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good place to start. No one deserves to be treated like this. Even if you don’t think they are being abusive, anyone who treats you like crap isn’t worth your time.

You don’t want the military lifestyle

Being a military girlfriend gives you a preview of what you will experience if you stay with your boyfriend long-term. For some, the military is going to be a 20-year career. Can you stand by them during that time? Can you see yourself as a military spouse?

If you don’t want this lifestyle, if you think it would be too difficult, it’s okay to say so and walk away. This life is a hard one. Deployments, solo parenting, and so many stressful days. That being said, even some seasoned military spouses have felt like we couldn’t get through this life, but we just keep going, one day at a time if need be.

Why you shouldn’t break up with your military boyfriend

Yes, some couples do break up. During basic training, during a deployment, or just during regular military life. However, some couples make it.

They get through the difficult parts and become a stronger couple through everything they have to go through. Some couples make the relationship work and go on to have a life together. So why shouldn’t you break up with your military boyfriend?

Because he treats you well and he is truly what you want. 

This might seem simple, but at the end of the day, if you are with someone who will treat you the way you should be treated and he is truly what you want in a boyfriend or a spouse, you can get through almost anything.

We can never know the future or what we might go through together. Life can throw you so many curveballs. Be committed and know that you can handle this military life if you want to be with him.

What advice would you give to someone dating someone in the military?

What Military Spouses Should Know About PERSEC and How to Stay Safe Online

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Let’s Talk About PERSEC!

Social media is a fantastic thing. We didn’t always have it. I remember when we first got the internet. I was 16 years old, and the idea that I could talk with people in other parts of the country and the world was amazing. I could log on and chat with someone from Texas, even though I was in California.

Social media has evolved over the years and is now an integral part of our military life experience. We talk with our spouses on social media when they are overseas, we make military spouse friends through groups and pages, and we stay in contact with family and friends.

Social media is a good thing, but we need to have limits, especially as military spouses.

OPSEC (Operations Security) is a vital part of staying safe. There are certain things you can not say on social media. Learning about OPSEC is essential for any military spouse.

Beyond OPSEC is PERSEC. PERSEC isn’t as strict as OPSEC, and it is up to each military service member and their families to figure out what to say and what not to say.

PERSEC and the Military Spouse

PERSEC stands for Personal Security and is about staying safe, especially when posting online.

Rank and other details

As a rule, don’t share your service member’s rank. If you post a photo in uniform, put a sticker over the rank. Facebook makes this pretty easy these days. Sharing rank can be more information than you want to give out. You never know who is going to read your post or see your photos, even if you do share them privately.

Location

Be wise about sharing your location. Since we as military spouses want to find community, sharing your duty station is common in social media settings. In some ways, you can’t avoid doing so, especially if you connect with local pages and friends. But be wise about sharing your exact locations. Don’t share photos of your house. Don’t post your address publicly.

When you go out and do things in your community, be aware of what you are posting. It is better to post about where you are after the fact. That way, you can still share what you have done without letting your location be known. Be careful about sharing your regular schedule. Posts like “Checking in for my Tuesday yoga class” can be dangerous when you add your location.

Double-check the location settings on your phone so people won’t be able to see your exact location.

PERSEC and the Military Spouse

Privacy Settings

Check your privacy settings. On Facebook, go into your settings and make sure what you are sharing publically is what you want to show the world. You can check by “viewing your profile as…public.” You can also go back and make all of your previous public posts private. Do a double-check on your photos. Your profile photo is always going to be public. There is no way to change that, so make sure that your photo is what you want the world to see.

If you are in a lot of Facebook groups, more people are going to check out your profile page. Protect yourself by limiting what they can see. Make sure only friends can view your friend’s list. Don’t make that information public. And be very careful about who you friend online. Someone can easily pretend to be someone they are not to get personal information from you.

Sharing your life

When sharing your life on social media, take a moment to think about what others see. What would they be able to tell about you? What would they be able to figure out about your kids? Could they figure out where they go to school? Do they know personal information about them that they shouldn’t?

Post after the fact

One tip for those who do like to share about their lives is to consistently post about stuff after the fact. Some people only share vacation photos after they get home. This can be one way to make sure no one knows you are not at home and that no one knows where you are.

PERSEC and the Military Spouse

Talk with your spouse

Most importantly, talk to your spouse about PERSEC and what they feel comfortable with. They might not want you to post anything about them on social media. They might not want you to post anything about your kids. You need to talk this over to be on the same page.

PERSEC can be very individual, but it’s necessary to be aware of what you are posting about on social media. Not everyone who sees what you post is a good person, and you want to stay safe.

What tips do you have about sticking to PERSEC as a military spouse?

The Six Degrees of Separation of Military Spouse Friendships

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The Six Degrees of Separation of Military Spouse Friendships

A friend and I were talking the other day about how we had met through a mutual friend and how there does seem to be six degrees of separation of military spouse friendships within the military community. When you meet someone new, they might also know someone you know.

There have been so many times when this has happened to me. I meet new people, we add each other on Facebook, and I learn they are friends with someone I already know.

A friend from Germany might be stationed near a friend I met through blogging.

A former neighbor of mine might end up becoming a new neighbor of someone else I have met during my time as a military spouse.

I can meet someone who just moved here, and it turns out they are good friends with a girl I knew from MOPS, who moved away from here years ago.

They say the military is a small world, and each branch is even smaller. Add online connections and a lot of us military spouses know one another or know each other’s friends. And this…can be a good thing.

Knowing that someone has a mutual friend can allow us to be a little bolder in pursuing a new friendship. If a friend of ours gets along with them, we might get along with them too. And that can help all of us when it comes to making new friends.

As military spouses, we don’t all have the luxury of staying in the same place for most of our military life years. Either we are moving, or our friends are, or both. As you think about your current circle of friends, you know that three years from now, things will not look the same. They might not even be the same a year from now.

As much as we know this is all a part of military spouse life, saying goodbye to a good friend is never going to be easy. In some cases, saying goodbye to a good friend will break our hearts, and no amount of preparing for that will help.

I am thankful that we do live in a time of social media despite its downfalls. Not only can I keep in touch with my family, but I can stay in the lives of the many friends I have made during my time as a military spouse.

Things won’t be the same after you say goodbye to someone. That is life. Even if you can see one another again, and I hope that you can, life just goes on, and things change.

As much as I want to stop time when it comes to my friendships, I know that isn’t possible. I mourn the time we no longer spend together, and I cherish every memory we have ever had. Still, I know that the best thing I can do is move forward and be open to new friendships, whereever they might be.

And knowing that so many of the people I meet today have some sort of connection to someone I already know is comforting. That allows this introvert to open up a little more, and learn more about the new people I meet in my life.

If you are a new military spouse, you might think this couldn’t possibly happen to you. Everyone you meet is completely new to you, and you have no connection to them in any way. But give it time.

As the years go on, you will meet more people. And as you PCS from one place to the next, your social network will grow. You will find your military world a little more friendly, comfortable, and easier to navigate.

Have you ever made friends simply because they were connected to someone you already know? Tell me your story!

7 Fantastic Ways to Use Social Media to Help You Improve Your Military Spouse Life

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Oh, social media. We love social media, but we hate social media. Between Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, it can feel like we are always “on” to the world. And that can be a bit overwhelming and quickly take over our lives. However, when social media is used as a tool, the platforms can be a great way to improve our lives as military spouses.

Military spouses move often and meet new people all the time. We make a lot of connections, but we don’t always get to live near them, or if we do, it is for a limited amount of time. Social media allows us to stay connected in ways we might not otherwise be able to. Social media can also give us access to resources and people we might not otherwise have been able to connect to.

When you first become a military spouse, this life can be overwhelming. You can use social media to help you in your military spouse life. Here are 7 ways to do so:

Stay connected to friends

My first experience with social media was with Myspace. Remember Tom and how you could pick your top 8? Talk about pressure! Back then, we military spouses would connect on Myspace, share photos from the day, and figure out the best music to describe precisely what we felt.

These days, we are all on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. And while these platforms are all different than Myspace ever was, we can still stay connected to our friends using them. When we meet someone new, get to know them, and want to connect, adding one another on social media seems like the best thing to do.

By doing so, we are always connected. And when those PCS orders come, we can still stay connected, no matter where military life might take us.

Asian woman looking at her phone

Stay connected to family

One of the hardest parts of military life can be having to live so far away from family. We don’t get to see them regularly and have to stay in touch over the miles. Social media can be a great way to do this. One of the accounts I set up for myself is a private Instagram account where I am connected to my closest friends and family. This makes sharing photos and what we are doing with a select few easy and helps our families stay connected.

Join a local group

When you first get those PCS orders, and they seem like they are pretty much going to stick, you probably want to start joining local groups for your new area. Doing so allows you to ask questions, get to know what is happening in that area, and give you a running start into your new community.

Learn about resources

There are so many military spouse resources out there, from blogs like this one to organizations like Military OneSource. And all of them have social media accounts. Connect with these military spouse resources over social media, and you will have access to all these resources, from advice about deployments to help finding a new job.

Find out about military spouse talk shows and podcasts

Did you know there is a military spouse talk show out there? MilSpouse Conversations is a diverse panel of military spouses who talk about…well, everything, from PCSing to parenting to all the things that are important to you! Follow MilSpouse Conversations on social!

You can also find other military spouse podcasts like MilSpouse Matters and The Spouse Angle. Podcasts are easy to listen to and can bring you a wealth of information, tips, and resources for your military spouse life.

Find out about events in your community

One of the best tips I can give any military spouse in this life is to make sure you find things you love to do and stay busy. Not having enough to do causes boredom, and that’s when life can get a little more difficult. One of the best ways to find things to do is to find out what events are going on in your own community.

I am in the Fort Campbell area, so if I follow the pages for the local city of Clarksville, Fort Campbell MWR, and other local pages and groups, I will have a steady stream of events in my feed. This gives me lots of options to fill out my calendar.

Entertainment

Let’s face it: there is a lot of entertainment on social media. You can find videos on every topic these days. From your favorite TV show, I think I am on Outlander TikTok, to what you like to read or where you like to travel. Be aware of how much time you are on social media, and enjoy what it has to offer.

Social media is a tool, and we can use it to improve our lives whether we are brand new to this life or are a seasoned spouse.

What are your favorite ways to use social media as a military spouse?

7 Fantastic Ways to Use Social Media to Help You Improve Your Military Spouse Life

The First Night After the Deployment is Over

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You have waited for months and months, and the day is finally here.

Homecoming…

The deployment is over, and you will get your spouse back…after so much time apart.

If you have never been through a deployment or homecoming before, you might be asking yourself how that first night will go after the deployment is over. For months now, you have joked with your friends about how that will be and how exciting having your spouse back in your arms again will feel. You have some idea of how things will go, but you still might not really be sure.

What if he is different?

What if she is simply too tired?

What if both of us have changed too much?

And as the day to homecoming draws near, this might be something you worry about. And that is natural, especially if your service member has been gone for a while. You don’t know what to expect or what that first night home after the deployment is over will be like.

Here are a few things to think about as your homecoming day approaches:

Talk about expectations

One thing you can do before the deployment is over is talk about your expectations for that first night. Find out what both of you are expecting and go from there. You can get on the same page about that first night before they even board a plane.

Everyone is different. After a deployment, what works for my husband and me might not work for you and your spouse. Talking about this isn’t going to hurt anything and can save you from hurt feelings and disappointment once the deployment is over.

Give them space

You might need to give your spouse some space. Think about how they have been in a war zone with their battle buddies for all these months, and now they are returning home. Things will be very strange for them, and they might need to adjust.

Your soldier or other service member might not want to come home to a long to-do list. There will be time to get back into normal life later. And that might depend on your spouse’s personality and how the deployment went for them.

Enjoy each other

If the mood is right, have fun with your spouse. Get to know yourselves intimately again. Being together might probably feel strange right at first; you might be nervous too, but that is okay.

A lot of couples decide to try for a baby right after a deployment, if this what you want to do, make sure you talk about your plans before they get home. That way, you are on the same page, and there will be no surprises that first night.

Plan for the kids and other family members

If you have children, have a plan for what you will do as a family after your spouse is home. Will you all go out to dinner? Have a nice meal at home? Make plans to see other family?

Most spouses want to bring their kids to the homecoming ceremony, but some like to see their spouse first and have the kids see them the next day. Do what feels right for your family. Sometimes, homecoming ceremonies can be in the middle of the night, and not every child can handle that. Sometimes, a fun surprise with the kids the next day can be just as amazing.

In addition to the kids, you might run into other family members who want to see your spouse too. This can be tricky because you will want your spouse to yourself. Make sure expectations are talked about before homecoming. Things can get heated when you have planned a romantic dinner at home, but your mother-in-law has invited 50 people to her house for a welcome home dinner.

Post Deployment Resources

The reintegration period isn’t always roses and sunshine. This can be difficult for both the service member and military spouse. If you or your service member are struggling, here are some resources for you to help get to a better place.

If you are going through a deployment now or will be soon, make sure to visit the surviving deployment section on my blog for more posts to help you through.

The First Night After the Deployment is Over

Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

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Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

TRICARE changes are coming in 2025. Are you ready?

TRICARE is the healthcare program of the American military. And in 2025, TRICARE is making some significant changes that could affect you.

TRICARE in the US is divided into regions based on where you live. You will be in either TRICARE West or TRICARE East. This is where there are changes.

#1 Since each region has its own contractor, TriWest Healthcare Alliance will replace Health Net Federal Services, LLC in TRICARE West. Humana Military will stay the contractor in TRICARE East.

#2 Six states will be changing to TRICARE West. Those states are Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Texas, and Wisconsin. If you are in any of those states, you will be moving from TRICARE East to TRICARE West.

The new contracts should begin January 1st, 2025.

What should you do to get ready for the TRICARE changes?

  • Make sure your information is updated in DEERS,
  • If you are in TRICARE West and make payments, make sure you update them to TriWest before or during Open Season.
  • If you are in any of the changing states, you will also need to make sure to change your payments to TriWest.
  • Make sure your providers are in-network for 2025.

Remember, too, that TRICARE’s Open Season is November 11th through December 10th, 2024. You can also visit the TRICARE website for more information on these changes or TRICARE information in general.

As a military spouse, it is always important to know your military benefits, including TRICARE. Know what type of TRICARE you have, what region you are in, and how much you may need to pay each month. TRICARE may cover certain items you are not aware of or may make changes that you need to know about. Be informed!

Going through a deployment? Looking for support? Check out my Deployment blog post section for posts all about getting through a deployment.

When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

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What You Should Do When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

So your boyfriend wants to join the military? What will that mean for your relationship?

You two have been dating for a few months, and everything seems good. You are falling for one another hard. But you have plans. You are going to graduate college and then try to find a job in your field. You hope that things keep going well for you and your boyfriend but you waiting to see how it goes. But then, one day, he says he needs to talk to you about something important.

He sits you down and says, “Babe, I think I want to join the military.”

You have been single for a while; then your friend introduces the two of you. You hit it off, and before you know it, you are on date number three. But then, he lets you know that next year he will be joining the Army.

You and your boyfriend just started your senior year; you have been together since you were 15 years old. You want to marry him. As you are figuring out what you will do after high school, he tells you he wants to sign up for the Air Force.

Any of these situations sound familiar? While there are many different ways to become a military spouse, hearing your boyfriend talk about enlisting in the military is the first step to one of them. If this is you, you might be a bit confused, a bit terrified, and a bit unsure of what you should do.

You want to support the man you love, but what does this mean for your future together?

Breathe

The first thing you want to do when your boyfriend tells you he wants to join the military is to take a deep breath. This doesn’t have to mean the end of you two. In fact, joining the military could be a very good thing.

Try not to jump to conclusions quite yet. You need to figure out his plan first. You need some time to think about if this is what you want for your future too.

Find out what his plan is

Talk to your boyfriend about what their plan is. How long do they want to serve for? Do they just want to do so for a few years? Is this going to be a 20-year commitment? When will they leave? Do they know that yet?

Knowing what your boyfriend wants will help you understand what his decision will mean for you. You will be able to plan your future. You will be able to start picturing yourself in his life after he joins. And you need to try to do that to decide if this life is right for you too.

Are you committed? 

This is a difficult question. You might love this man, but you might not want to commit to this life. This happens sometimes, and it isn’t even unique to military relationships. Sometimes a couple can’t make things work because life takes you in different directions.

As his girlfriend, you should take things slow. Are you committed to being in a long-distance relationship with him? Can you be supportive of his decision or will you give him grief about it along the way? If this is what he wants to do for the next 20 years, would you be able to handle life as a military spouse if your relationship later led to marriage?

Take the long road or not

Make sure you two talk about what the decision to join the military means for your relationship. Find out what your boyfriend wants and what he is expecting. Talk about how important it is for you two to stay together through this.

For some, the decision to join the military will be too much, for others joining the military will mean new adventures that they will be able to navigate. If you talk to any military spouse, you will find that almost every single one of them has worried about how they will handle this life. But in the end, they do, because they love and support the person they are married to.

As a girlfriend, you have more choices before you head down the military life road. If you truly don’t think you can commit to this person, don’t. Because really, that is what it comes down to. Can you commit to a deeper relationship with the person you are currently dating? Some people can; some people can’t.

With any relationship, there will be times when you have to compromise. Being with a service member means you will have to do that often. Can you handle that?

What advice would you give to someone whose boyfriend wants to join the military? 

When Your Spouse Won’t Be Home For the Holidays

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When Your Spouse Won't Be Home For the Holidays

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that’s a lot to take in.

October becomes November. The holidays will be here soon. Everyone else seems excited, but there is a part of you that just wants the holiday season to be over. You just want to fast forward time.

You think about what you are going to do. Should you go home to see your parents? Should you go home to see your in-laws? Should you just stay put so your kids can be in a familiar space?

You wonder about the tree. Every year you pick one out together, but this year will be different. And it hurts to think about what to do about this tradition, about all the holiday traditions they will miss.

You know you need to figure all of this out. You can’t just ignore Christmas. You can’t do that to your kids, but you feel lost.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and you are not sure how everything is going to work out.

You think about what you love about this time of year, and figure out how to get to a better place. You know they have to be away, but that doesn’t mean you have to skip anything. You start to wonder if maybe celebrating would be the best way to make it through.

As the stores put out their decorations, as the world seems to march on to the best season of all, your heart can’t get into it. Even though you really want it to.

You think about years past, and try not to worry about what they will miss. Will they be missing you as you miss them? Will they have a good holiday too, celebrating it so far from home?

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that makes you feel very much alone.

As your family and friends share what they are getting their kids, you think about how that is all up to you this year. That your spouse can’t help you with the shopping or the wrapping or by playing Santa. That all they can really do is offer a few suggestions, or maybe send some things through Amazon.

As November moves on, you wonder about Thanksgiving and how you will celebrate a day to be thankful when it feels like so much is missing. Can you get together with friends this year? Can you have a feast knowing they will miss all the fun?

Once you get past Thanksgiving, the pit in your stomach is back. You can feel it. The thought of Christmas morning, and knowing they won’t be there is a lot to think about. The thought of missing them on that day is almost too much.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but you are going to find a way through.

You think about all you have been through before. One time they left right before your 30th birthday, and you got through that. When you gave birth to your son, they were across the ocean. You survived a 15-month deployment, which included two Christmas Days, and found a way to still make the holidays special for your family.

You know you are strong enough to handle this, why doesn’t it always feel that way?

You know you have been through this before, so why does this year seem so hard?

You know you can handle the holidays with a deployed spouse, but why does it feel so impossible sometimes?

And so you do what us military spouses do. You figure things out. You find out what works.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but that doesn’t mean the holidays are canceled.

That just means they will look a little differently than they usually do. That just means you will have the chance to do things a little differently.

You and your children will create memories together, and grow as a family. You will take more photos than normal, and share them with your spouse. You will send some pretty amazing holiday-themed care packages.

You will find friends to celebrate with, or just enjoy the quiet that can come from a simple Christmas. You will figure out how to make this work, even if the way you celebrate this year doesn’t look the same as it has in the past.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and they could miss next year too.

If your spouse is in the military, they could be gone for the holidays again. They can miss Christmas, or Hanukkah, or your birthday. They can miss New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, or any holiday that is special to you.

And as military spouses, we might shed some tears about this. Missing your spouse during the holidays isn’t fun. But as military spouses, we also figure out how to make the holidays work for us, we have to. There is no other way.

So if you are getting ready to go through your first holiday season without your spouse, know you can figure out a way to get through this. Get creative. Involve friends and family. And do what works well for you and your own family.

Do you do anything special when your spouse is away for the holidays???