Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

To the Military Spouse Whose Season of Deployment is Over

by Leave a Comment

When Your Season of Deployment Is Over

When my husband first deployed to Iraq, I was 27. I am now 46. The time between now and then seems impossible. Almost 20 years? How?

He deployed three more times in the seven years following that deployment. We had two more children and returned to the US after four years in Germany.

It felt like the deployments were never going to end! It felt like he would always be deployed and always have to be away from us. But here is the truth about time in the military: It does eventually end. Not only that, but deployment schedules change over time based on many factors.

My Husband Is Now Retired From the Military

My husband retired from the military last year after 21 years of service, and we are now living the veteran life. Coming from the National Guard, some things didn’t change much for us, unlike how they would have had he retired from active duty.

One of the most significant changes is that he will never be called up again. He will never come home from a drill weekend with news of a deployment. He will never be called up to go if something goes down in the US. We will never again have to cancel plans because of the military. That chapter of our lives is forever over.

The Season of Deployment Is Now Officially Over

The season of deployment is over for us. We are done worrying about, thinking about, and wondering about deployments. It is in our past, and wow, that takes some getting used to.

When you have been doing something for so long, when something has been a part of your life for so long, it’s a weird feeling when suddenly, that chapter of your life is over.

I like to look at my life, especially my military life in seasons. And now we are in a different one. But you can be sure I have taken what I learned during seasons of deployment with me. I have learned so much from letting my husband go, being a solo parent, and sending him off to places unknown. I am not the same person I was when he first joined the military.

We All Change After 20 Years

Then again, no matter your lifestyle, who is the same person after 20 years? Life experiences change us. They just do. And for me, so much of the last 20 years has been spent in military mode. The next 20 will look a little different.

Veteran life can be complicated in many different ways. From finding the right after-military job to dealing with a change in benefits, there is much to take in and a lot to get used to. When I was a younger military spouse, it always felt like retirement was so far away, but then we were there, saying goodbye to military life and embracing all this new season has to offer.

If you are just now entering this season, or for whatever reason, you know deployments are no longer in your future, know that your feelings are valid. Even if you find yourself missing parts of time away from your spouse.

Veteran Spouses Have Much to Offer Military Spouses

As military spouses, we have to find ways to get through deployments and that time apart, and we can grow for the better through some of that. The military lifestyle creates independence, and we can sometimes get much more done while they are away from us. When your spouse is home and not going anywhere, it can take some getting used to.

As veteran spouses, we also have so much to offer military spouses. We can be a listening ear since we have been there before. We can advise on deployments, PCSing, and military life in general. We can use what we have learned to help those currently going through it.

Resources to Help Transitioning Military Spouses

If your service member is about to retire or has just done so, and you are a bit nervous, I want to reassure you that you are not alone.

Here are some resources that can help:

The Department of Defense’s Military Spouse Transition Program

Transition & Strengths Coaching Services

Benefits for Spouse of a Military Retiree

What Milspouses Should Know Before Military Retirement

To the Military Spouse Whose Season of Deployment is Over

Does TRICARE Cover Doulas? What You Need to Know for Your Next Birth

by Leave a Comment

Does TRICARE pay for doulas?

Before I had my own children, I went through doula training and attended quite a few births. I absolutely loved it. When I had my first child, I had a doula at my birth.

Doulas can provide fantastic support for a woman during childbirth. According to DONA International, a doula is “a trained professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to their client before, during and shortly after childbirth to help them achieve the healthiest, most satisfying experience possible.”

A doula can be perfect for anyone, but it is pretty much a must for a military spouse giving birth without their spouse by their side. The question is, does TRICARE cover a doula? Yes, they do. They have since 2022 and just expanded overseas on January 1, 2025.

The TRICARE Childbirth and Breastfeeding Support Demonstration (CBSD) includes certified non-medical labor doulas, certified lactation consultants, and certified lactation counselors. The certification and participation requirements were also updated on January 1st.

Which TRICARE do you need to receive this TRICARE benefit?

To receive these benefits, you will need to have:

  • TRICARE Prime
  • TRICARE Prime Remote
  • TRICARE Select

How do we use a doula with TRICARE?

If you would like to use a doula with TRICARE or any of the other CBSD benefits and you are stationed in the United States (CONUS), then you don’t need any referrals. However, if you have TRICARE Prime, you will need a referral from your PCM (Primary Care Manager) if you see a non-network provider. There could be extra charges if you apply without that referral.

If you are stationed overseas (OCONUS), you must register for the CBSD before getting services. You can do so through International SOS on the TRICARE Overseas website. Make sure to register as early as possible in your pregnancy. They will let you know within 14 days if they can find a TRICSRE-Authorized provider where you are stationed.

What else should you know about getting a Doula through TRICARE?

You must be at least 20 weeks pregnant to qualify for a doula. You also need to plan to give birth outside of a military hospital or clinic. And thirdly, you need to see a TRICARE authorized provider for your birth event.

As of January 1st, 2025, they will cover up to six hours of visits by a certified labor doula. These hours can be split into 15-minute increments. Then, you also get one untimed visit during the actual birth.

For more information, please visit the TRICARE Childbirth and Breastfeeding Support Demonstration page.

The Best Lessons a Military Spouse Can Learn

by

The Best Lessons a Military Spouse Can Learn

As we are getting close to the end of this decade, I decided to go into my Shutterfly account and try to organize my photos a bit more. As I was looking through older photos I came across one from Thanksgiving 2012.

I think my husband was home, but we got together with a bunch of friends and their kids and looking at that photo brought back so many memories. Of time with this circle of friends. A group that slowly fell apart because of one move or one PCS after another.

I am actually still here, and everyone else has moved on but it really made me think about what we go through as military spouses. I thought about all the lessons we can learn during our time as a military spouse. It really made me reflected on how I have grown as a person over the years since my husband re-joined the military so many years ago. I’m sure many of you can relate 🙂

Friendships Won’t Stay the Same

I love having a friend circle. A group of other women I can talk with, vent with, and depend on. A group of other people who get me.

I am so thankful I have found this during my years as a military spouse, however, my friend circles are always temporary. Always. Sure, I am still friends with those people, we keep in touch for the most part, and follow each others lives.

But it will never be the same as it was when we all lived in the same town, or when our husbands were all deployed, or when we all had two-year-old boys to entertain, just trying to figure out how to get through the day.

Time moves own, PCSing happens, and we figure out how to say goodbye and go forward.

And that is just apart of this military life. A part that is hard to take sometimes. A part that will stop you in your tracks as you remember a fun memory or a time when you were all together.

I also know that those memories will always be with me. I will never forget the Space-A trip we took together when our husbands were deployed, the late-night shopping on Black Friday, or just the simple day-to-day moments of getting together to let the kids play.

I still value these friendships even though the miles separate us. I still think about these women, even if we never talk anymore. And I always have hope of finding new friends along the way. Not to replace the old, but to add to my life experiences.

Homesickness Can Hit Hard

I haven’t lived at my parent’s house full time since I left for college over twenty years ago. I still get homesick. I still have moments where I think for a few minutes about how I could move back.

Wherever you call home will probably always call to you in some way. Maybe it is your family, and all the fun you have together. Maybe it is the warmth you feel every time you visit your hometown. Maybe it is just longing for a place that is so imprinted on your heart, you know you will never truly let it go.

I always wanted to move away from home. I always wanted to see other places and experience different ways of living. But there is still apart of me that can get pretty homesick sometimes. It doesn’t last too long but the feeling is there.

You might be ready to take on the world. You might be living in Europe or Japan and know how exciting it is that you get to do so. And you might be hit with homesickness all the same. Hitting you in the face when you least expect it too.

I think this is just another part of military life we military spouses can experience. We are the family that doesn’t live there anymore. We can feel like the outsider. And those emotions aren’t always easy to deal with at times.

Making our new duty station or city feel like home is key. Even if we know we will only be there for a few years, we can figure out ways to connect to our community, and enjoy what is before us.

Deployments Can Be Good For Us

I never wanted my husband to deploy. The deployments were never at the right time…and always seem to throw a wrench into the plan for my life. However, in someways deployments were good for me.

I learned how to be more independent whether that meant taking care of two toddlers by myself or learning to mow the lawn and other chores I otherwise never would have done.

I figured out that I am stronger than I think I am. I figured out that I could do things that I never dreamed were possible. And that if I have to do them in the future, I can handle what comes our way.

I learned how I can truly be a good friend to a struggling military spouse and how to let people help when I was the one in need.

Deployments can be too long and make you just want to cry but they can also help you grow as a person. I will always be thankful for that.

Plans Change And That’s Okay

How many times have plans changed for you as a military spouse? Maybe you went through an unexpected deployment or a PCS to a place you never thought you would end up. Whatever it is, you start to get used to things always changing in the military.

I really learned this during our 15-month deployment that was at one point only supposed to be 9 months, then later 12. I learned this when I was told it would take just about a month to join my husband in Germany and we had to wait 4.5. I learned this when he deployed for the 3rd time and we weren’t sure if he would be gone for 5 months or over a year.

Things change all the time and nothing can feel predictable. But…sometimes these changes end up bringing us to a better place. Sometimes these changes lead us to places and people we never would have imagined. Sometimes these changes were exactly what we needed in our life.

This isn’t to say that every time the military changes its mind we should be happy about it. It’s okay to be frustrated but it can also give us an opportunity for growth and change that we never would have had otherwise. A chance to embrace something a little scary and see where that might lead.

What lessons have you learned as a military spouse this last year?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

9 Things You Wish Were True About Military Life

by 1 Comment

9 Things You Wish Were True About Military Life

Military life can be a crazy ride. From deployments to PCSing every few years, this life isn’t without its struggles. Some days we wish we had a magic wand to make everything a little easier.

So let’s have some fun…here are 9 things you wish were true about military life:

  • That every deployment came with a nanny

Let’s face it, us military spouses can get burned out really quickly when it comes to solo parenting. What if every military family received a nanny with deployment orders? That would make life so much easier!

  • That you could use a “Get out of deployment free” card

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could get out of a deployment because it wasn’t the right time, or your kids were too young, or because you just didn’t think you could handle another deployment with everything going on? The reality is, there is never a good time for a deployment but we plow through anyway.

  • That you could PCS somewhere simply because your BFF did

Wouldn’t that be amazing? Your BFF went to Fort Carson, which means you get to go there, too. How fun would that be?

  • That ALL military housing was nice, safe, and you wanted to live in it

Unfortunately, not all military housing is created equal. And sometimes housing can make people sick. Wouldn’t it be nice if all military housing were up to code, was nice and safe, and allowed everyone who lived there to have a good home they enjoyed living in?

  • That your spouse could get leave when they needed to, and planning family vacations would be easier

Have you ever had to change the dates of a trip because of the Army? We sure have. If only leave dates could be taken at the perfect time, and could never be changed.

  • That every FRG meeting would be filled with information you need to know with zero drama

Some FRGs are amazing but a lot of them get a bad rap, and maybe for good reason. Wouldn’t it be nice if the FRG was always a fun place to go, with lots of great information, and without any drama? Maybe us military spouses do have the power to change the FRG into a good and helpful place for military spouses to go 🙂

  • That you could always shop at the Commissary on payday without the crowds

What if you never had to wait more than a few minutes, even if you do go to the Commissary on payday? That would be nice!

  • That it would be easy to make friends no matter where you go

Making friends during military life can be a little bit frustrating sometimes. Yes, you have to get out there but sometimes that isn’t enough. What if making friends was easy, no matter who you are, and where your PCS to?

  • That all the challenges when it comes to military spouse employment would go away

There are so many spouses who have to put their careers on hold or pursue something different because they are married to someone in the military. What if these challenges could go away? What if things were a little bit easier regarding a military spouse and their own career?

This list can be a lot of fun and hopefully make you laugh a little, but the reality is that there are things you can do to change and make military life a little better for your family and others.

Be kind. Make friends. Work for changes. And don’t be afraid to figure out a way to make things a little better for everyone.

What about you? What would you want to change if you had the power to do so?

The Waiting Military Spouse

by Leave a Comment

The Waiting Military Spouse

The Waiting Military Spouse

Military spouses have to wait. This is so much a part of the military lifestyle. So much a part of our lives as military spouses.

We wait for the enlistment to go through, not really knowing how much our life could change. Not really knowing what this will mean for us, for our marriage, for our family.

We wait for the first duty station. Will we stay close to home? Will we go overseas? Will we get homesick?

We wait for the movers to come. Is everything ready? Will anything break? Are we really doing this?

We are the waiting military spouses, always waiting on something. Always trying to make the best of it. Always looking for the silver lining.

We wait to feel like this new place as home, and wonder if it might never be. We wait to find new friends, missing those back at home or a previous duty station. We wait to figure out how to find our way in this new community.

We wait on deployment orders, knowing they will come soon. We wonder how we will make it through those months apart, and how we should handle the months before they have to go. We wonder what the deployment will really be like and if we have the strength to get through.

We wait as our spouse leaves for overseas, praying they make it home again. Praying that everyone stays safe. Praying that we can get through this time apart, even if one day at a time.

We wait as the homecoming date seems to change. We wait as we have to help our children through the deployment. We wait as the days seem long, and the weeks feel even longer.

We wait during those last few weeks of deployment. We wait to get the call they are actually coming home. And we wait with a toddler on our hip as we watch the plane land or the ship come in.

We wait as things will take time to get back to normal, and we wonder if they might never actually do so. We wait as we have to work to bring our spouse back into the family dynamic, and wonder if it is as hard for us as it is for other military families.

We wait on PCS orders, taking us to a new location. We are never really sure what that new home will be like. We hope for the best, and try to take it all in stride.

We wait to work on our own careers, knowing we can’t do exactly what we want from an overseas location. We wait to start our own path because sometimes solo parenting is a little too difficult. We sometimes have to wait on our own dreams or be creative in how to pursue them through the ups and downs of military life.

As military spouses, waiting is all a part of the game. We know this, and yet sometimes, that waiting seems too hard. We have to find ways to be patient, even if that patience doesn’t come naturally. Even if that patience is difficult to find.

We wait. For our spouse. For their career. For everything military life brings us. We wait. That’s what we do. We are the waiting military spouses.

18 Ways Things Could Change to Make the Military More Family Friendly

by

18 Ways Things Could Change to Make the Military More Family Friendly

We all know that in general, the military is not exactly family friendly, although sometimes they try. With FRGs, MWR events, and childcare available on installations, they are not exactly ignoring our existence.

On the other hand, with long hours, unsafe housing, and lack of help for military spouses seeking employment, there are plenty of things that could change to make the military more family friendly. Some of these changes are probably not too realistic. There could be reasons why the military does things the way it does that we simply can’t understand. However, dreaming about these positive changes is a smart thing to do.

Here are 18 ways things could change to make the military more family friendly:

1. Housing lists

One of the most frustrating things is to get orders to a new duty station, have to get on a long housing waitlist and end up not getting a home when you first get there. For some, that means living in a hotel for a month or two, for others that means renting even though they don’t want to. Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to do that when you were PCSing? That if you wanted to live on post, you always had a place to move into?

2. Faster more streamlined orders

What if you always received your PCS orders six months before you had to be there? What if deployment orders were always given exactly three months before they left? That would make life so much easier.

3. Weight limits based more on family size, not rank

The weight limits when you PCS are a little off for bigger families. While giving people with more rank more weight allowance is good, the more people in your family, the more things you will own. Let’s take a look at how many families are going over their weight limits, how many people are in their families, and what can be changed to make things a little easier when moving with a big family.

4. Prioritize births

While having every service member be able to attend every one of their children’s births isn’t going to be possible, we could make it happen a little more often. Maybe that would be a matter of taking an earlier R&R or keeping a soldier back a few months to help on Rear D. While some units are really good about this, others are not.

5. Sick days

When a service member gets sick, they have to go into sick call to “call in sick.” Maybe service members should have a certain amount of days they can call in sick instead. While making sure a soldier is really sick and not just blowing off work is important, a limited amount of sick days wouldn’t hurt either.

6. Leadership improvements

We all know that there can be some improvements in leadership in the military. This is tricky because you need strong leadership, but you also need people who are not over the top for no reason.

18 Ways Things Could Change to Make the Military More Family Friendly

7. Training periods

When a service member goes off to training, make sure they are training for all of those days. If a soldier goes away for a month and they only need them for a week of that time, making them stay wastes money and family time. The mission comes first, but that doesn’t mean things can change to allow them to be home instead of wasting time somewhere else.

8. Travel expenses

Wouldn’t it be nice if the military would pay for one trip home a year? Ya, this is a big dream but being able to see your family on a regular basis would be a lot easier for families who are already on a tight budget. Even more so for those who are stationed overseas.

9. Customer service on post

How many times have you been on post, trying to get something done, and encounter rude behavior on the person who is supposed to be helping you? This is one of the first things I noticed about military life, and we could do better than that. Improving customer service on post will go a long way in helping morale.

10. EFMP

When you are signed up for EFMP, things can change for your service member’s career. They might not be able to go places they should be going because of the needs of the family. While in theory, this makes so much sense, it can cause families to have to live apart or frustrations over where they can PCS and where they can not. In some cases, families won’t sign up for EFMP, going without so that they can stay together.

11. Respect for female service members

We live in a modern age where women serve in the military too. They do a lot of the same jobs the men do but don’t always get the same respect. But they should.

12. Tuition assistance for all spouses

While MYCAA is great, it would be nice to have better tuition assistance for all spouses, not just those of a certain rank or wanting to pursue certain degrees. A military spouse who wants to get their Masters can benefit from tuition assistance as well.

13. PTSD help

We all know someone that is struggling with PTSD, and sometimes people fall through the cracks. We need more efficient ways to help people going through this. The suicide rate for service members and veterans is way too high.

18 Ways Things Could Change to Make the Military More Family Friendly

14. Set work hours when not in pre-deployment mode

Training before a deployment means crazy hours, but do they have to work so long when they are not about to be deployed somewhere? Wouldn’t it be nice if they were always home by 5? And how about overtime pay if they aren’t? Okay, totally dreaming there 🙂

15. Affordable or free childcare

Having to use half your paycheck for daycare sucks. You also might need some care during a deployment while you are solo parenting. Having more affordable or even free choices for childcare would be amazing.

16. Fix the VA

We all know the VA has issues, a lot of issues. Let’s fix that. So many service members are not getting everything they should be and that hurts military families too.

17. Better Command Sponsorship process

When we applied for Command Sponsorship, it took forever. A lot of it was waiting for paperwork to get signed. While I would hope things would be better these days, I still hear stories of families having to wait back in the states for months and months. That isn’t any fun, especially if you know there is going to be a deployment in the future.

18. More choice for a Pcs

Wouldn’t being able to always pick your next duty station be nice? While that is going to be impossible to make happen, maybe things could be changed to make being able to choose your next duty station happen a little more often.

While making the military more family friendly would be a lot of work, there are ways to change things. Maybe some of the things I have listed wouldn’t work at all, but they are worth discussing. There have been plenty of changes over the years that have helped military families. I am looking forward to seeing more of those in the future.

What would you add to this list???

 

 

The Pros and Cons of Life as a Military Family

by Leave a Comment

Family with toddler

Life as a Military Family

At some point in your life, you, as a military spouse, had to decide to become a part of a military family. Either you choose to marry someone in the military, someone who would be joining the military, or you and your spouse decide together that they would join the military.

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time, you already know that military life is filled with highs and lows. There are pros and cons to this lifestyle. Within the years that your spouse serves, some will be better than others.

The Pros of Life as a Military Family

Community

One of the biggest pros of being in a military family is involvement in the military community. While this may differ a little based on where you are stationed, some fantastic, close-knit military communities exist. In addition, there are support groups and other types of groups military spouses can join to find community.

Living Somewhere New

Moving every few years can come with a lot of stress, but it can also be an amazing thing to experience living in different places. You will, of course, love some places over others, but learning about new areas and cultures is a fantastic perk about being in a military family.

The Benefits

It can be easy to dismiss some benefits, but they are very much in the pro column regarding military life. TRICARE can be a significant pain sometimes, but these benefits are HUGE compared to what you might find in some civilian jobs. In addition to TRICARE, military life comes with BAH, money for housing, BAS, money for food, and access to military discounts.

Lessons Learned

During your time as a military spouse, you will learn so much. You will learn about yourself, about patience, and how to be resilient, and you will be able to accomplish more than you ever thought you would be able to do. These are life lessons you will gain and take with you for the rest of your life.

The Cons of Life as a Military Family

Being in a military family makes for a complex life. And not everything is so great. Some things about this life can be pretty tricky. Let’s talk about the cons of life as a military family:

You Probably Can’t Live Near Family

While there are times when you may be able to get stationed near family, and in some cases, they might move to where you are, for most military families, once they join the military, you will no longer be able to live close to home. This can be difficult for some people. Raising children far from grandparents, extended family never seeing you, and just feeling like you don’t have a place at home anymore can be hard to handle.

Deployments

I think we all know having to send our spouse away to war and missing them for months at a time is a big con to this life. That doesn’t mean every second of deployment will be horrible. Many positive things can come from a deployment, and at the end of the day, a deployment is what our service members train for. Still, they are never easy to overcome and can be a big con in military life.

Uncertainty

If you are a planner like me, the uncertainty of military life can drive you crazy. Even if you get orders, they could change. If you get a long-awaited date, it might not be set in stone. You must be flexible and never assume anything is 100% until after it happens.

Career Challenges For Military Spouses

When you must move often, a military spouse’s career can take a hit. Having to start over every few years is exhausting. Luckily, there are many military spouse employment resources out there to help.

It can be easy to list the pros and cons of military life, but at the end of the day, your family needs to do what is best for your spouse and your family. While the cons can feel overwhelming, the pros might just be worth continuing in this military life.

The Pros and Cons of Life as a Military Family

7 Simple Self-Care Tips to Pamper Yourself Without Leaving the House

by Leave a Comment

Awe, self-care. Something we hear about all the time. Self-care is essential, but sometimes it can feel hard to get. You have to make an effort to make time for yourself. You have to put it on your calendar, and you might need to get creative. Add in being a solo parent for months; how do you find time for self-care?

One way to find time for self-care during a deployment or during seasons of your life when you can’t always get out of the house for a bit is to find self-care ideas you can do without leaving the house. You can do things while at home when your kids are sleeping or in some cases, awake.

Here are 7 ideas:

Work on your hobbies

What do you like to do? What brings you joy? Reading? Puzzles? Baking? There are so many hobbies you can do at home. Figure out what makes you happy and get back into your own hobbies.

Grab your journal and a coffee

This can be done early in the morning or after the kid’s bedtime with some tea or drink of choice 😉 Grab your journal and start writing. Share about your day, your thoughts, or anything that comes to mind.

DIY spa day

Have your own DIY spa day. Take a nice bubble bath with Epsom salts, essential oils, or bath bombs. Use a face mask, paint your nails, light candles, and relax. Take some time to chill. Your body will thank you.

Video chat with friends

This one is best for after the kids go to bed. Grab some dinner and some wine. Set up a video chat with your bestie or other friends. Make it a weekly thing. It’s a great way to let loose and connect with others. You can also join weekly online book clubs, Bible studies, or whatever else you may find.

Binge-watch a show

Finding a show to get lost in that you can go to each night after the kids go to bed is a fantastic feeling. This is how I got through so many of those lonely deployment nights. And in today’s world? It’s so easy to find good shows to binge.

Start a garden

This is one your kids could help you with. Start a garden. Plant your favorite flowers and veggies. Playing in the dirt and planting something new can be so therapeutic. I love to watch things grow from a seed to a big old plant.

Order dinner

Sometimes, just ordering yourself a nice dinner and eating it while watching a good movie is a great way to wind down and enjoy some self-care. Celebrating a milestone or even a Friday night can be a great time to do this. Treat yourself when you can. It can make for a lovely night.

Self-care can look different for each person. What you might find relaxing, someone else might not. So, when looking for self-care ideas, try to find things that work for you. The goal of self-care is to recharge, refresh, and get to a better place.

Remember, deployment or not, make time for yourself. It’s worth it.