military life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

You know what I love? When you are in a middle of a deployment and things seem to be going well!

You are doing what you have to do, your kids are doing what they have to do, and everything flows.

That is the best feeling. You can really feel like you are thriving during the deployment instead of just trying to survive it. You feel like you got this!

But then, you might have days that don’t work out so well. You might have really rough deployment days, that just makes you want to cry. You might struggle with knowing how to get through them.

The good news is there are some things you can do to help get through these bad deployment days. Here are three quick tips that work for me:

Phone a friend!

Call someone you can vent to. Maybe that is a family member or a good friend. Find someone who understands that deployment can be difficult and can encourage you through them.

You don’t want someone that is going to say things like, “you knew what you signed up for,” or anything like that. Sometimes we just need to vent things out a little, cry things out a little, and then we can get to a better place.

If you can find other friends to go through a deployment with, you can help each other out with this. When one of you is having a bad time, the other can help bring the other through it. And if you are both dealing with a really rough deployment day at the same time, plan to meet up, order the kids some pizza, and have a fun tonight together to get through the more difficult parts of deployment.

Do something fun for an hour!

If time is dragging, which can lead to a really rough deployment day, you have to do something to kick-start it again. You need to make plans, even if just for an hour. You need to find something that will keep you busy.

Find something that will keep you busy for at least an hour. If you can do this, what usually happens is that you will fill that hour and more. And before you know it, the day is over and you have gotten through another one. It is all about putting your focus on something else instead of the deployment.

You should keep a list of things to do during a deployment that will keep you busy, that way you will always have a place to go to find something to do. It might be something as simple as going for a walk, or a long drive. Just find something else you can do, either alone, or with your kids, and you will find time will pass a little bit quicker.

Write in your journal!

Keeping a journal during a deployment is one of the best things you can do. Journals don’t judge, you can write in them whenever you want to, and they can help you get to a better place.

If you are angry at the military, write it out. If you are missing your spouse so much, you don’t think anyone else will understand, write it out. If you are just not sure how to express yourself, write it out.

Writing things out can be very good for you, no matter what you are going through. If you are in that really rought deployment spot, try to add journalling to your routine. It will probably make you feel much better.

Deployments can be tough on people for different reasons. What works for one person might not work for another, but hopefully, these tips can help you get through your next really rough deployment day.

PCS by myself with an 18-month-old. Check.

Go 11 months without seeing my husband. Check.

Give birth without my husband by my side. Check.

As military spouses, we have to do so many things, all by ourselves, that we never thought we would.

When I was giving birth to my first little boy, before Army life, I knew I wanted more children. I never would have thought that my husband wouldn’t be there for their births too.

When we got married, and I looked back at previous long-distance relationships, I never thought I would go through that with him. A long-distance marriage? Who wants that???

If someone would have told me at 23 that when I was 26 I would be moving an 18-month old to Germany by myself, I would have told them they were crazy. There was no way I was going to do that, nope.

You probably have similar stories. During military life, you may have had to do things you didn’t think you would have had to do. Things that didn’t even seem possible. Things your former self wouldn’t be able to wrap your mind around.

But the truth is, although they may call us “dependents” we are anything but. We have to be independent, in so many different ways.

If your spouse is deployed, you will probably be the one making a lot of the decisions around the house that you normally would make together. Parenting? That all falls to you pretty much. Sure, your deployed spouse can give you some input but they are not the ones there on a day-to-day basis.

This can be SO taxing sometimes. And can lead to some serious burnout. You might feel like you are never going to get a break. No matter how many times people remind you that you are strong, it doesn’t always feel like it.

On the other hand, becoming more independent, being the person who holds everything all together, that can feel empowering. You can take that strength with you through the rest of your military journey.

I know for me, when I am feeling not quite so strong, I remind myself of my 15-month deployment, or that I took a Space-A trip from Germany and back again with a two and four-year-old. I remind myself that I can do hard things, scary things I never thought I would be able to do.

Yes, we are “dependents” as far as what the military will officially call us, but we are anything but.

We work hard to keep things together, we have to be both mom and dad, and we do it each and every day because we know we have to.

If you are new to this life, you could be feeling so very intimidated by all of this. Maybe you consider yourself fiercely independent, but at the same time are not sure what to expect. Maybe you don’t feel that way at all, and wonder how you will get through so much alone.

The truth is, you will surprise yourself, time and time again. What seems impossible right now, will be possible when you have to go through it.

I can remember when my husband first talked about joining the military. Our son was not even a year old and all I could think was that if he did join, I would have to parent without him and I couldn’t do that. I needed him with me, at home, each and every day.

But then something changed. He left for Germany, and I was suddenly a solo parent to a 13-month-old. And it was so, so very hard at the time. But somehow I made it through that, and many more months and years of solo parenting to come.

I learned a big lesson when my husband joined the Army. That I could do hard things that I didn’t think I could do.

That I could be more independent than I thought I could be. That I could figure out how to make things work, and how to get through this crazy military life.

I don’t have it all figured out. Sometimes when he is gone, I really wish he was home. Being the main person to take care of the home, and the boys, in addition to everything on my plate is overwhelming at times. But, at the end of the day, I know I can handle what comes my way.

Handling military life doesn’t always mean I have to handle every little thing personally. I can ask for help. I can hire a service. I can take certain things off my plate.

Asking for help never comes easy for me. I want to be able to do everything all myself. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone else.

But sometimes, I simply can’t. I have to ask. I have to find someone to help me.

Being independent might not always come easy, even though we are required to be so.

If you are married, you are in a partnership. You want to help each other out. But sometimes, especially during a deployment, your partner and you might feel pretty distant, or that you have to do everything the two of you might do together.

This is one of those things that can be so difficult about military life. The feeling that everything falls to you. The feeling that you no longer have a partner.

But here is the thing, you do have a partner. They might be overseas, but they are still with you in spirit. They might be so busy you barely get to speak, but they still have your back. And you as the spouse will have to become more independent through this, but that will help you through other difficult times in the future.

As you look ahead on your military spouse journey, there will be seasons when everything will fall to you and there will be times when things feel more normal. There will be moments when you feel like you have all of this figured out and moments when you feel a bit lost and are unsure of what the future holds.

Remember, you are not alone in any of this. No matter where you are stationed or where you live, other spouses are dealing with all of this too. You will look back on your years as a military spouse and be amazed at everything you have gone through, and everything you have accomplished.

Military life can look quite different depending on your service member’s MOS, time in service, rank, and location. Some service members deploy more often than others. Some go to more trainings. Over the years, things can change. You will have periods of time when they are gone a lot, and periods when they are home.

Sometimes military life is a monthly drill weekend, two weeks in the field, and random trainings with a deployment every five years.

Sometimes military life is coming and going on a regular basis, home for two weeks, gone for three. And repeat.

Sometimes military life is a nine-month deployment, home for a year, then get ready to do it again.

Sometimes military life is a CQ, right on the day you need them with you the most.

The reality is, there will be plenty of times when your spouse is away from you, and you miss them. And some of those times will be longer than others.

Sometimes, we as a military community want to play the one up game. Where your spouse has to be gone X amount of days before you can miss them. We want to say that a shorter deployment is much easier than a longer one. We don’t want to hear anyone whose spouse is gone for a shorter amount of time than our spouse is, say they are having a hard time.

But the truth is, it is okay to miss your spouse, no matter how long they are gone.

You see, over the years I have realized something. While longer deployments mean more days to get through, shorter deployments can still be very difficult.

While drill weekends are so much shorter than other times we have been apart, they tend to happen at the wrong time, make that weekend pretty difficult.

While a two-week training is nothing compared to being gone all summer long, that two-week training can bring up a lot of emotions for people.

It’s okay to miss your spouse, no matter what you have been through in the past, or what you might go through in the future.

It’s okay to miss your spouse when you are the only one at the soccer game, for the third week in a row.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because it is your son’s first day of kindergarten and your husband has to look at photos from the day, instead of sending them off by your side.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because you had a date night planned and CQ got in the way.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because he has been in South Korea for five months, and he has seven more to go.

It’s okay to say that life is better when they are home and that you are having a bad time when they are gone. It’s okay to yell surrender. It’s okay to talk to others about this.

As military spouses, our lives will change over the course of our service member’s career. Sometimes we will be the one there for our friends, helping them through the deployment. Sometimes we will be the ones who are missing our spouse so much, that hearing their name makes us cry.

At the end of the day, it’s okay to miss our spouse, to want them back with us, to want them not to have to go as much. Doing so doesn’t make us weak, it makes us have to figure out how to be strong.

So if you hear people say that you don’t have the right to miss your spouse because of whatever reason, ignore them. You do have that right. Whether they are gone for the weekend or for over a year. You are a military spouse, and missing your love is apart of the deal.

Going through a deployment? Check out my deployment posts; they should help 🙂