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The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

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The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

My husband and I had talked about him re-joining the Military for months before he actually did. It was a hard decision to make and I can remember thinking about how if he did join he would be gone for long periods of time. This would mean that I would be the solo parent in the home to our son and any future children we might have.

That was a hard thing to come to terms with. To think that I would have to be alone with my kids for periods of time. That wasn’t what I had in mind when I married my husband. We were going to have kids, several of them. He was a good father. He would be there for everything.

Being a solo parent is just one of the many ways that Military life is hard. It can really get to you and each day can be a struggle. And as much as there are good things about Military life like homecomings, good friends, taking pride in what your spouse is doing, there are some hard truths about it as well.

Your spouse is going to miss holidays

This one can be hard for some people, especially if you can’t make it home to be with other family members. Deployments and trainings doesn’t usually take off for the holidays, especially the smaller ones. You can’t ever assume that they will be home for Christmas, if they are, you are one of the lucky ones. You will have to make the best of it, celebrate later or figure out creative ways to still celebrate the holidays when they are gone.

You might have to give birth without them

Raise your hand if you had to give birth without your husband. So many of us Military spouses have had to do this. For me it was because they send him home on R&R but he didn’t get home in time. He met his son at our front door when he was three days old. Thank goodness my mom was there. I have had friends that do decide to go home if they know their husband will be gone for the birth. Others are able to Skype with them during the birth. Thank goodness for technology. Although a lot of commands do try to make it so that your spouse will be with you for the birth, it isn’t always possible.

Your friends will always be moving away

Military life includes a lot of moves. That means that people will be coming and going all the time. As a Military spouse you will have to say goodbye to a lot of people, your kids will too. Some of these people will be your best friends and saying goodbye will hurt in the worst way. Other friends might not be as close but you will miss seeing them on a regular basis and will feel their absence. And if your friends aren’t moving any time soon, you might be the one to have to do it. It is hard to always have to say goodbye and then try to make new friends again but we Military spouses do it. We do it all the time.

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

You will become independent and that will change the dynamic of your marriage

Because of the way Military life works, you will become more independent as a Military spouse. Things will break when they are gone and you will have to figure that out by yourself. You will have to run the household, pay all the bills, make a lot of decisions alone that a lot of couples make together. All of that will make you very independent. This can be a challenge when they are home. You will still want to do it all and sometimes you have to let them do things again. This is something you and your spouse will have to work through in order to get to a good place.

It’s important to understand these hard truths if you are a Military spouse. You want to be prepared for them and it is also nice to know that a lot of other Military spouses experience these challenges too. It can help you not feel so alone if your spouse is in the Military and you are living the Military life.

Leave me a comment and tell me what has been hard for you during your time as a Military spouse? How do you get through those challenges?

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Paris, War and the Military Spouse

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Paris, War & the Military SpouseParis, War and the Military Spouse

Paris was attacked on Friday. This was big news. I found out on social media which is where I find out about most worldly events, I am not a big tv news watcher. I started seeing people posting photos of visits to Paris and that we should pray for them.  I didn’t really understand why until I saw what had happened.

Paris was attacked by terrorists. About 130 people were killed that night. Such a tragedy.

I have had a few days to think about all this. I have read a few blog posts about it and seen so many social media posts about it as well. Everyone seems to have an option about what happened, about how the US is acting, about what we should be doing to support Paris and about why we didn’t do anything about other attacks in the last week, attacks in places like Beirut, Syria and Kenya. There is a lot going on in this world right now.

Is it fair to blame people who are supporting Paris but were silent on the other places? I don’t know. I for one didn’t know much about them until after Paris happened. I will admit I probably did see news articles about those things happening. And I am sure my thought was, “That is so very sad, yet another tragedy in that part of the world.” I didn’t do much else. I didn’t share photos praying for those places, I didn’t change my Facebook profile to their flags. I just went along in my day.

Paris gets hit and it affects me differently. Paris is close to Germany, where we used to live. People in Paris are more like me then people in those other places. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty about not really acknowledging what is happening in other parts of the world. I think focusing on Paris makes sense because we feel like Paris is like us. We feel connections to Paris that we don’t to other places. Is this the way it should be? Probably not but it is what happens. If you tell me that your friend’s sister’s neighbor’s house burned down, I am going to feel sad about that. If you tell me someone in my neighborhood’s house burned down, it would affect me much more. I would look into more tangible ways of helping them. I would feel more connected to it. This is just reality.

So what can we learn from this? That maybe we should look at what is going on everywhere. We should be aware of the World, not just the Western part of it. All of it matters.

There is another part of what happened in Paris that worries me. War. More war. More fighting. More deployments. I don’t know of very many Military Spouses that heard about Paris and didn’t think about what it could mean for their own spouse. If feels like the wars we have been fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are never going to end, regardless of what any politician says.

When you live in a community where people are still deploying, you know that things are not over, they are still happening and people are still going off to war.

I am not sure what the solution to ISIS is. It’s a scary thing to think that people would hate other people so much that they could go in and kill them. The thought of that makes me want to burst into tears. But what do we do about that? What should America do? Keep sending people to the same places over and over? Back in 2003 I thought that was the solution. That we should send our troops in to do what was needed. It is now the end of 2015 and I just don’t know anymore.

What can America do when we have been at war for so long? When the Military is tired?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know what would be right or moral or what should happen? I don’t know if what we are doing is going to help or make things worse. I have to trust in those that have the power to make those decisions but it is a difficult thing to do. Especially when my husband could be dirrectly affect by the choices those people make.

I know so many people who have been affected by war because I have been a Military Spouse for 10 years now. I know how some don’t come home and some come home broken. I see how marriages can break up and things are never the same after time over there.

I think of all of these things when I see that more war might be needed and all I can do is pray.

Pray for those areas, all of them, in Europe and Asia and the rest of the world. Pray for the innocent people who might die because of everything that is going on. Pray for the Military families that will see more war than any other generation. And hope that the US and our allies can make the right decisions that in the end will lead to a more peaceful world.

Celebrating The Holidays When Your Spouse Is Never Home

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Celebrating The Holidays When Your Spouse Is Never Home

Celebrating The Holidays When Your Spouse Is Never Home

I don’t want to count up the amount of times I have been alone with my children during a holiday. It is not fun. It really takes some of the joy out of it. However, I have learned how to deal with it and how to make the best of it. One thing our family has done that has really helped is deciding to celebrate certain holidays on a different date.

Now for some holidays, when my husband is gone, there isn’t much I can do. Holidays like Halloween and the 4th of July are more community events so I can’t exactly plan to celebrate those on a different day. We just have to enjoy them without my husband, be a little sad about it and hope that next year we will be together. Last 4th of July my husband had his two-week National Guard drill and was gone. We missed him but we enjoyed a pretty cool fireworks show courtsey of my neighbors. We didn’t have as much fun as we would have if he had been home but we still made it work.

Other holidays that are more family centered are easier to change. The two main ones we have done this with for our family are Thanksgiving and Christmas. One year my husband was supposed to deploy on Thanksgiving. The nerve of the Army doing that to us! Well, the mission comes first and that mission said they must leave on Thanksgiving. We could have just decided to skip Thanksgiving that year but I knew my heart would be sad if we did. So we celebrated a week early.

I got up that morning just like it was Thanksgiving. I made most of the dinner, my husband helped with the rest. We were lazy, had fun together and it felt exactly like Thanksgiving even though it was a week before. So when actual Thanksgiving came, it felt like a regular Thursday. We dropped my husband off and we were sad but I didn’t feel like we were missing Thanksgiving together because we had celebrated the week before.

Last Christmas my husband had to be away for work. We didn’t know this until December 18th. So what did we do? We celebrated on December 19th. We told the boys that we would have to celebrate Christmas early, that we notified Santa and that everything would be okay. That night the boys went to bed very excited because it was their Christmas Eve. They woke up the next day to presents under the tree. We did everything we normally did on Christmas from watching the boys play with gifts, to making a nice meal, to just being together. It felt exactly like December 25th! It was great!

Now I know this method won’t work for everyone. And it won’t work for everyone every year. If your husband leaves for deployment in August and won’t be home until February you are probably not going to celebrate Christmas that early. In some cases you will just have to go about the holiday without them knowing that they might be home the next year.

However, if you can work with the dates and celebrate early, do it. It will make the actual day so much easier. You will feel like you already celebrated it. You won’t feel like you are missing as much. You can make your memories for the year and it really doesn’t matter if you celebrated on the actual day. All that matters is that you had your family time together and made a special day before your spouse had to leave.

What do you do about the holidays when your spouse is away? Any special tricks for getting through them?

On Living At Fort Huachuca, Arizona

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On Living At Fort Huachuca, Arizona

Glad to have this guest post by Rebecca on living at Fort Huachuca, Arizona. Please visit my Duty station guest post page for posts on other locations or more information about how you can write a guest post about where you have been stationed.

Fort Huachuca is often referred to as Fort “We Gotcha,” and as the home of the Military Intelligence Corps and a few thousands students, it’s very true. It’s not uncommon to be stationed here two or three times throughout a Soldier’s career. Often underappreciate, at least the first time, Huachcua is truly a gem tucked away in the Southeastern corner of Arizona.

This is our second time at Fort Huachuca, we were here in 2007, newly married while my husband attended a year-long school. In short, we hated it. There wasn’t much to do, Tucson is about a 90 minute drive and we really didn’t have the time nor money to explore.

Fast forward 5 years and we received orders to come back. Honestly, we were ecstatic. We knew what to expect, we had friends here, and we were more mature. We moved here with a dog, two kids, and about 6,000 more pounds than we left with the first time. In a way, it felt like we were heading home. Back to where it all started for us, back to the beginning.

When we arrived back on post it was almost shocking to see how much had changed. We looked at our house, which is amazing for army standards and knew this was the place we were supposed to be. The views are spectacular. Our house amazing. And the friends we’ve made? Outstanding!

So what is it really like at Fort Huachuca? It depends on the job. Most of the people here work a nice 8am to 5pm kind of job. Which is pretty perfect because that’s what the installation can support. Those unlucky few who work the long hours are those AIT Platoon Sergeants (think Drill Sergeants without the funny hats) the days are long. But overall, the place is pretty low key.

We’ve been here three years now, and are banking on two more. Which is a long time most places, but not as much for here. People have been known to spend the majority of their careers here, and I can understand it.Fort Huachuca

The neighboring town, Sierra Vista, is incredibly hospitable to military families. They show their American pride several times a year and are actually quite cultured. The Sierra Vista Symphony is a wonderful evening of music and society.

Don’t just take my word for how great it is out here, here’s what some of my friends have to say:

“Garden and Huachuca Canyons are our favorite places to hike and the amazing friends we’ve made here in two years are the best part overall,” –Leia

“The weather! I love that you can drive a few hours and see snow in the winter, or a few more hours and be on the beach. And then come home to consistently amazing weather,” –Christi

“The friends I made, the sunrises and sunsets, the view of the mountain, and nearby Bisbee.” –Jenny

“I love the unique wildlife. Where else can you have a group of javelin by night and wild turkeys by day in your yard?” – Missi

Not everyone loves Fort Huachuca as much as I do, but I truly think this is a fantastic place to raise a family, make friends, and enjoy the great outdoors. It’s hard to leave each duty station, each place you call home. I know that this will be the hardest, but I’m hopeful we’ll be back one day.

10460503_10100126370928701_2353812854519958557_nRebecca Alwine has been a military spouse for over 8 years, traveling the world and learning about herself. She’s discovered she enjoys running, loves lifting weights, is a voracious reader, and actually enjoys most of the menial tasks of motherhood. She is an avid volunteer, most recently as President of the Fort Huachuca Community Spouses’ Club and has worked as a career counselor for transitioning service members. She has a Masters in Emergency Management from American Military University and a Bachelor of Arts in Geography from the University of Mary Washington. Her writing has been published both in AUSA’s ARMY Magazine, Military Spouse Magazine, on Many Kind Regards, and multiple digital magazines and blogs. You can follow her on Twitter at armywife1229.

 

What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Join The Military

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What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Join The Military

Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you think it might and before you know it your spouse is talking to you about wanting to join the military. If you are like me, this wasn’t apart of the plan when you married your husband. Joining the military wasn’t something in your five-year plan.

However, life is funny sometimes and you can end up doing things you never thought you would. You can end up doing things you never even dreamed of doing. You can end up in places you could never have imagined going to.

My husband and I had been married for three years when he joined the Army at age 30. He had been in before when he was a lot younger before I met him. When we got married, I didn’t think that the Army would be in our future.

The Army was in his past, and that is where the military was going to stay.

We made a few decisions, and after a few years, we found ourselves questioning if he should go back in. At first, we thought about the Army Reserves. We met with a recruiter and found out that for his MOS, he would have to travel about three hours to get to drill each month. That was in May of 2005, and I came home from that feeling like joining the Reserves wasn’t the right thing to do.

Then my husband started getting health benefits from his current job, and they were horrible. It just wasn’t working. By August we had decided to look into what goes into Active Duty would mean.

We met with a different recruiter, and everything just felt right. I wanted him to wait until November of that year since a friend was getting married and I wanted to go to the wedding. We should have waited until AFTER the holiday season.

If you are thinking of joining the Military in the fall, wait until after New Years’. That way, you at least have that last holiday together and can start the new year with a new journey. Instead of them possibly missing the holidays right after they join.

The Military will make being together for holidays hard enough, give yourself one more holiday season before that can happen. I wish we would have known that going in.

My husband didn’t have to go through Basic again which we didn’t know at first. I dropped him off one day in November, and he was in Germany two weeks later. It took us almost five months to join him which was a big wake up call about how the Military can work sometimes.

If you are married and your spouse expresses interest in joining the Military, there are a few things you should do:

Make sure you are on the same page

My husband didn’t join until I was ready. If he had joined before I was ready, our marriage would have suffered. Talk the decision over.

Even if your first thought is “No way!” Talk it over and see what you both think. There are also a lot of options when it comes to joining the military. They can go active duty, National Guard, or Reserves.

Ask questions

There is a lot of information out there about Military life these days. There is no reason why you can’t get online and get a sense of what this life will be like. We Milspouse bloggers like to talk about it 🙂

Feel free to ask us or any friends who are military spouses questions. There is a lot to be worried about before joining the military and hearing about what others do to get through the difficulties of military life is a good idea.

Know it will be difficult

You can’t have your spouse join the military thinking you will somehow get a smooth Military ride. Plan for how hard this life is going to be. Realize you will be without them sometimes.

Solo parenting will become apart of your life. Understand that many spouses do this and you can too if the Military is something your spouse wants to do.

Know it doesn’t have to be forever

You only sign up for 3-4 years of Active duty at a time. They can get out after that. If military life doesn’t work out, go and do something else. Especially if you are young.

There is a lot you can do with your life. Take it one enlistment at a time if you have to. Signing up for 20 years at a time isn’t apart of the requirements to join the military.

Know there is support

Us spouses have to stick together because Military life is hard. You will not be alone. There are resources out there for you and your family.

You can connect with others. You won’t be the only one going through whatever it is Military life will bring you through.

Not everyone will agree with the decision

You might have people who care about you who don’t agree. You have to understand that joining the Military can be a scary choice for them. Give them time and explain why you two are making this decision. Most people will get that and if they don’t, you might have to keep your distance for a while.

The decision on if your spouse should join the Military or not is a complicated one. Don’t take this decision lightly and think about what joining means before anyone signs any papers.

Make sure you are on the same page about the decision and look for resources to help Military spouses. They are out there. Try not to be afraid. Ask questions.

If your spouse does decide to join the military, know that your life will change. This can be a scary thought but the change can be a good one. You will be able to meet people you would never have, you will be able to do things you never thought you would, and through everything, you will become a stronger person as you stand by and support your spouse on their next adventure.

Did your spouse join the Military after you were married?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

Deployments and The Effect on Children

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Deployments and The Effect on Children

Deployments and The Effect on Children

After four deployments, our family knows what it is like to go long periods of time without Dad in the home. It can be so challenging for the parent at home to have to be mom and dad. It can also be really hard on the children who might not truly understand why their mom or dad has to be away from them.

Since the war in Afghanistan began in 2001, more than 2 million American children have had a deployed parent. Many of them have seen multiple deployments. This tells me that we are not alone and that all these children have gone through or are going through what my own boys have.

Our last deployment ended in 2013 and my boys were 9, 7 and 3. At those ages they only kind of understand what Dad was doing. It was a hard time for all of us as I helped them work through the time apart while trying to deal with the deployment myself. It can be difficult to know what will help them and what they are really dealing with.

The best thing to do is to keep the line of communication open with your children. Let them know it is okay to share with you how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. Encourge them to reach out to you if it becomes too hard. Sometimes young kids will act out when they are feeling frustrated about the deployment. It is important to keep firm boundaries in your home but be aware that some behavior could be because of missing one of their parents.

One idea is to have a recordable device that the deployed parent can set up to give to the child. Recordable teddy bears, along with other battery-powered devices such as recordable story books provide reliable comfort no matter when or where their parent is deployed.

Duracell has a great out all about how a Teddy Bear can help a child through a deployment. This video made me cry because it shows us how hard it can be for a child to be without their dad. It is nice that we live in a time where technology can help that divide and allow the child to hear their parent’s voice whenever they want. The film was inspired by a real Military child who was showed Duracell a Teddy Bear she had during her father’s deployment.

Duracell would like to raise $100,000 for USO’s Comfort Crew for Military Kids. Share the film and find out how you donate to the cause through the USO at http://www.uso.org/donate.

You can also find Duracell on Facebook and Twitter.

 

This review was made possible by iConnect and Duracell. I was provided compensation to facilitate this post, but all opinions are 100% mine.

 

 

Military Spouses Serve Their Country Too

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Military Spouses Serve Their Country Too

There is a debate going on about whether Military Spouses serve too. The question is, serve what?

Serve in the Military? No, unless they too have actually enlisted.

Serve their country? Yes, totally.

When your spouse is in the Military, it is not just a job but also a lifestyle.

Maybe this is because my first duty station as an Army wife was in Germany. Overseas things are a little different then stateside. People can’t live as separate of a life as they can in the states. When you have to depend on the local Military post for American foods, your mail, your car, etc, it is a lot harder to stay away from the Military as a whole. Stateside you don’t have to depend on the Military post for as much.

When my husband re-enlisted in 2005, everything changed. I realized this right away when I had zero control about what was going to happen to us. He went over to Germany and I had to wait behind in the states until the Army finished all the paperwork that needed to be done for me to join him. At the time I thought I had some control but I found out that I didn’t. If someone who was supposed to sign our paperwork went on a two-week vacation, we just had to wait.

Deployments

You can’t control those either. Sometimes things can happen such as a soldier staying behind because you are having a baby. That was part of the reason my husband didn’t leave for his third deployment earlier, I was due one month after his year at home was over. We were not so lucky with baby #2 because he had to leave when I was 25 weeks pregnant and came home for R&R when he was born, missing the birth by 3 days. It really just depends on the Command and what they want to allow you to do.

I have been the wife of a soldier and the wife of someone working a regular job and there is a world a difference.

So back to the question, does the Military spouse serve her country?

If you are serving your country, you can do so in different ways. Standing by your Military spouse is one way to do that. Being there for them whether they are deployed or at home. When orders say it is time to move across the country, you do it. Understanding that the Military comes first and they can’t just call their boss to change things around. The Military is the one pillar in your life you have to work around. It isn’t flexible and if your spouse is making it a career, you have to figure out how you can handle it for the long haul.

Some years will be easier than others. Some deployments will be easier than others. Some duty stations will be easier than others.

Spouses serve in so many different ways. It’s a different type of serving than those who are serving IN the Military. We don’t have to see any battles, we don’t have to put on a uniform, we don’t have to say goodbye to our families for months at a time. We don’t have to put our lives in danger.

We serve in different ways. We serve our families and our communities. We strive to make things better, even in the simple ways. We are the support our spouse needs when they are home and away. We help make it possible for those with families to keep serving their country and it is nice to acknowledge that.

What do you think? Does it bother you if someone thanks you for serving too?

 

 

What I Would Change About the Military

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What I Would Change About the Military

 

If only I had a magic wand. I would change a lot of things. I would use it to fold laundry and keep the living room looking amazing. I would also use it on the Military. I would want to change a few things to make it a little easier on the families while still allowing the service member to do their job. I have often felt that there were quite a few times in my Military spouse journey when things could be done differently and still allow for the Military to stay strong and do what it needed to do.

1) Change deployment rotations. I can only speak on the Army here, I know other branches have other time tables. I would make it so that you had to be home for at least as long as you were deployed for. And by home, I mean working at your local Military post, not spending months in training. After someone had been home for that amount of time, training could start up again. I remember when deployments were 12 months they talked about a system where the soldier came home for a year and then the next year would be when they would train or go to schools before deploying again. Makes sense to me.

2) Survey the family about moving or staying put. Now I know sometimes a family HAS to PCS because of career classes or changing their MOS. What I am talking about is people who are PCSing who don’t want to. Why would this be a good thing? For one thing, it would save the Military money by not moving people as often. It would also help with morale. This would be even more important overseas. Why spend money moving a family back to the US and another overseas when neither one wants to move?

3) Deployments hold more weight when it comes to promotion. I could never understand why deployments don’t count for more when it comes to promoting someone. Isn’t that what they are trained to do? Isn’t actually deploying worth a whole lot in experience?

4) Weight limits based more on family size then rank. Now I get it, we want to reward those that are higher up in the Military but it seems like if you have a big family and you are lower ranking, moving could cost you a lot of money going over weight. More people usually means more household goods. From beds, to dressers to books, to toys to sports equipment.

5) Remember that a lot of spouses are solo parenting. There have been so many times when I heard about a policy on post which leaves me going, “huh?” because it doesn’t make a lot of sense for a place where a lot of people are solo parenting. It isn’t always possible to find a babysitter for your kids, especially when you are new to a duty station and don’t know anyone yet. They have a policy here about OB appointments where you can’t bring your other children to an appointment under ANY circumstances. Now I get it, they probably made this policy because people were bringing their kids and they were not behaving the way they should. But all this policy does is make spouses freak out more than they need to. There has to be a better way. I normally don’t bring my kids to appointments if I can help it but sometimes I had to and I was glad that the places I had to go understood that.

 

What would you change? Is there something you wanted the Military to change and then they did???