Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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Feeling Weak When Others Are Strong

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Feeling Weak When Others Are Strong

 

I love social media, I really do. I can’t imagine life without it these days but sometimes it can really frustrate me. Sometimes I think we only want to post about ourselves when we are strong. When we have it all put together and when everything is happy-go-lucky. I even hear people talk about how one should never complain on social media because it brings others down.

Really?

Now I agree, someone who is going to complain 24/7, on every post or even in real life every time you see them is going to bring others down. However, I do think it is okay to vent, complain or even share that you are not at your best.

There is this idea, especially in Military circles, that we are strong, all the time. That nothing can stand in our way. That we can conquer every little thing. Well, for me, that isn’t always true. There are some days I do feel strong, that I do feel like I have it all together but there are other days I don’t. There are days I feel very weak and days I don’t think I can really get through what I need to get through. I look around me and see others being so strong, doing it all and then some, being able to figure it all out, never getting upset or shedding a tear.

In reality I know that no one is that together all of the time. It is the face we present to the world. It is very easy to just show the good and happy moments.

Still, when I wake up sad and wonder how I will make it through the day without breaking down, I see people being strong through much harder circumstances and I wonder if something is wrong with me. That I am letting what I am going through bring me down so much and that they have figured out a way to get through it. Then I remember that I see 100% of myself and what I am going through and we really only see 10-20% of what others are going through. There is that quote about not comparing our “novel” with someone else’s “cliff notes” and that is so true.

I shouldn’t feel badly that I am having a bad day or that I feel like I couldn’t handle anymore stress at the moment just because someone else doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. We were all made differently with our own strengths and weaknesses. We can go through the exact same thing as someone else and have a totally different experience with it. And there are probably other circumstances they have gone though that they felt were very difficult that I didn’t think twice about.

I think it is important to have the right “tools” to get through stressful situations. Things to do such as praying or writing in a journal. People to talk with such as a best friend, family member or counselor. Still, some days those tools don’t work right and you just need to have a good cry or a good sob in some cases.

Sometimes it is because of a drill weekend right when I just need to spend time with my husband, sometimes it is because of my son’s special needs, sometimes it is because I am so homesick for my family and other times it is everything all put together.

It’s so hard to feel weak when others seem like they are so strong. Do you struggle with this too? What do you do about it?

 

 

When Your Best Friend Moves Away

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When Your Best Friend Moves Away

When Your Best Friend Moves Away

5 years ago this week I said goodbye to one of the best friends I ever had. We went through so much together. A deployment, a space-A trip, we talked about everything and our children were the best of friends. But then it was time for us to PCS. To leave and to move on.

In just a couple of months, I will have to say goodbye to another friend. Someone I don’t want to say goodbye to. But it is time. Her husband has orders for somewhere else and she has to go. Our sons are the best of friends and so are we.

One of the hardest things to do is to say goodbye to a best friend. There is no easy way to do it. You go through a lot of emotions…

You don’t want to believe they are leaving. Even though you know it is coming, you try to ignore it because you think you have plenty of time. And then you don’t.

They tell you they have a move out date. Then it feels real. You think you need to spend more time together because those 4 years went by way too fast. You wonder what you will do after they are gone. You worry that you will never have another local best friend again. And then they have to go and you have to say goodbye and it stings. Because that chapter of your story together will be over. And no matter how long it was, it will never ever seem like long enough.

You think you need to spend more time together because those 4 years went by way too fast. You wonder what you will do after they are gone. You worry that you will never have another local best friend again. And then they have to go and you have to say goodbye and it stings. Because that chapter of your story together will be over. And no matter how long it was, it will never ever seem like long enough.

The truth is, when a friend moves away, you will never ever be able to replace her.

She is someone who will always be special in your life in the ways that make her who she is. You will always have your memories, your inside jokes, and your history. Your relationship will have to change. Instead of getting together every week, you will spend your time together texting or on Facebook. No, it isn’t the same but it is your new normal. Time will go on and maybe you will get to visit each other.

When you do, you will notice the little differences that have taken place since you were last together. But at the same time, you will connect just like no time has passed. You will make other best friends, so will she. But you will always have your time together.

You will always have those memories and when you are old and grey and look back on the years you had on earth, she will always come to mind as one of the special ones. One of the people who made you the person you are. And you will always be thankful for that.

The friendship you had with her will give you hope. Because you remember how it felt when you had to say goodbye to your last friendship and then you met her and everything was okay again. And so it will be in the future. There are always new people to meet. There are always new friendships to be had. And sweet memories to keep with us for all time.

Perks of Being a Military Child

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Perks of Being a Military Child

It was 10 years ago this fall that my 30 year old husband re-enlisted for the Army. I didn’t know him when he was in before so this was my first experience with being an Army wife. I really didn’t know what to expect. Even though I grew up with two Marine bases pretty close, I didn’t know too much about Military life other than knowing that living on base was noisy and that they wore a uniform.

I didn’t know what life would be like for my son or any other future children we would have. I knew I would be doing a lot of the parenting by myself but I didn’t know what amazing things would come from it. That we would literally be able to see the world, experience other cultures and meet people from different parts of the country. I didn’t know that there were things that they would get to know that they never would have gotten the chance to do otherwise.

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During the last 10 years we have had our share of stressful and frustrating moments but my kids have experienced some amazing things. They have had experiences I never had a child and I hope they can remember a lot of them as they grow older.

During the last 10 years my kids have…

  • Lived in Germany
  • Lived in the South
  • Rode on European trains
  • Rode on a Space-A Aircraft
  • Saw the Pyramids in Cairo
  • Visited Rome
  • Visited Athens
  • Visited Turkey
  • Visited Malta
  • Visited the Czech Republic
  • Visited Austria
  • Visited Spain
  • Went to a German Fest
  • Had German teachers
  • Saw the Mediterranean Sea
  • Have been to 4 continents
  • Have made friends with children from different states
  • Learned a small amount of German
  • Got to meet St. Nicholas
  • Stayed in a German hospital
  • Sat in a tank
  • Eaten dinner in the DEFAC
  • Been to a base chapel
  • Said the pledge before a movie
  • Enjoyed German Ice cream

Beyond what they have been able to do, they have also been able to be apart of something amazing. To know that their Dad sacrified for their country. To know that he was apart of something overseas. It’s a great feeling to be apart of the Military community!

I am sure there is even more I can add to this list. When I start to feel sad or bad that Daddy has been gone too much over the years I try to think about this list and everything we have seen and done all because their Daddy joined the Army.

What have your kids experienced because of being in a Military family?

Thoughts On My Last Week As An Active Duty Army Spouse

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Eight days. That is all we have left as an active duty family. The day after we will officially be a National Guard family. Talk about a change.

It seems weird. We have been waiting for this day for a while now and here it is just a week away.

I think back on the last 8.5 years and everything we have been through.

20120413-IMG_7430We started this journey in November 2005 when I dropped Ben off at the recruiting office in Lexington, Kentucky. We had one little 13 month old boy and no idea what we were getting ourselves into. It seems so strange thinking about life back then. We had been married a little over three years at that time and we knew life was going to seriously change. We were just not sure how.

We knew that it would take a while for Daniel and I to join Ben in Germany. We had no idea it would take 4.5 months and too many tears to get over there. Joining the Military right before Thanksgiving is not the best plan.

Once we made it over there, we were in for quite the adventure. Not only did we have to figure out what Military life was like (it was all new to me) but we had to figure out how to live in Germany. On top of all that I was pregnant.

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Within a few months of getting to Germany we were getting ready to say goodbye to Ben for his first deployment. We assumed it would be a year. In the end it was 15 months and very difficult for us. Luckily there was an amazing support system of Military spouses and somehow we made it through. During those 15 months I really learned what it meant to be an Army wife. I knew how hard it was to be away from my husband. I knew how hard it was to be the only parent in the house. I gave birth without my husband next to me and somehow figured out how to be Mom and Dad to two very small children for a very long time.

It was then I thought things would get easier. That deployments would be easier. That because I made it through that, I could make it through anything. In some ways this is very true. Had I started my life as an Army wife with a more simple and shorter deployment, would I have had the strength to get through others? It is hard to say. It is hard to know if that 15 month deployment wore me down too much or made me stronger. I might not ever know.

After that deployment we ended up moving from Schweinfurt to Graf in Germany. That was such a nice change. It was then I learned that not all Military housing is the same. He didn’t change rank, we just moved and they totally upgraded us. We went from a 3rd floor stairwell apartment into a brand new 4 bedroom duplex. And even though it was a duplex, it didn’t feel like it. We hardly heard our neighbors.

At pretty much the 365 day mark after Ben got back from his deployment, he left again. He was going to Iraq a second time. This deployment ended up being 11 months. It also made it so we had to stay in Germany a little longer. This was frustrating because as amazing as Germany was, we were ready to go back to the US.

Once he was home we went on one final trip. A Mediterranean Cruise. We never would have been able to go on this trip and I am so glad we did it. We got to see 7 countries on this trip too.

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We moved back to the US in March of 2010 heading straight to Ft. Campbell on the KY/TN border. We decided we did not want to live on post here and found a rental. Ben got into his unit and I got pregnant with our 3rd child. Then we heard the news that his unit would be deploying at the end of that summer. Since he had just returned in November, he was able to stay back until at least then. I was due December 1st and it kept going back and forth as far as when he would leave. He ended up not going anywhere until February which gave us 15 months in between deployments.

When he returned from that 5.5 month deployment, we bought a house in Clarksville, Tennessee. At the time we didn’t know what our future would be with the Military but we knew we would be here until 2014 and we knew there was a good chance we could stay longer than that. Deciding whether to buy a house when you are in the Military can be a hard choice but we decided it was the best one for us.

It was in the time between our 3rd deployment and 4th that we decided it was time for Active Duty Army life to end for us. There were several different reasons for this. I honestly didn’t think we would have a 4th deployment. It kept going back and forth. At one point he was pulled from the list because he was getting out. Then, with two weeks to go, he was told he was deploying after all.

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This crushed me. I am not sure if it was because I thought we were done with deployments, if I had just done too much in too short amount of time or if I was just tired with everything and it was the last thing I wanted to deal with. I don’t know but that 4th deployment was my hardest. Don’t get me wrong, they were all hard but the last one was pretty brutal on me emotionally.

Somehow time passed and we got through it. He came home a week before Christmas.

Since then we have been preparing for ETSing from the Army. He isn’t retiring. He isn’t getting medically discharged, he is just ETSing.

As I look at the past and the future, I know the last 8.5 years have changed me in a lot of ways. Somethings are easier for me to deal with and others are harder.

I am not sure what the National Guard life will be like. I am going into it without that many expectations. It will be so different from what we have been through the last 8.5 years but at the same time we will still be apart of the Army family. It will be a change and hopefully for the better.

 

 

 

Memorial Day When You Are a Military Spouse

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Memorial Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Today is Memorial Day

A day when most Americans remember those who have lost their lives to war. A day when most Americans have a day off, go to a parade and bbq. This is just what we do on this day.

But for the Military community, Memorial day is a little different. We do usually have the day off, go to a parade and bbq. But we also remember those who have lost their lives. But for each of us, it gets a little more personal. Each of us knows a Gold Star family. I know of four of them personally. Four friends who became widows during our past deployments.

They are who I think about on this day.

  • I think about how we all said goodbye to our husbands together, yet some did not return.
  • I think about my husband telling a fellow soldier what it was like to be a Dad, only to have that soldier lose his life the very next day. His wife was pregnant with their first baby.
  • I think about reading that email about the soldier who died and realizing I knew that last name. It belonged to a friend of mine.
  • I think about hearing my husband talk about his buddy. How they had a lot in common. How he was a family guy too. And then receiving a phone call while I was in Vienna of all places, that he had also been killed in action.
  • I think about the fence outside the elementary school in Germany with the photos of those who we had lost during that long 15 month deployment.
  • I think about the little children that will never know their own fathers because they died before they were old enough to be able to remember them.
  • I think about the older children that still feel the loss so greatly years later.
  • I think about the Moms sending their children off to war only to get the knock on the door that they were not coming home.
  • I think about the end of a Memorial service when they call for the soldier and he does not answer. I think about how heartbreaking that really is.
  • I think about the table that sits empty at every Military Ball.

This is what I think about on Memorial Day. I can’t help it. As a Military spouse, I have experienced all of this. It is real. Not just something that happened 50 years ago.

So when you are enjoying your day off and having a bbq, please remember the Gold Star families who are missing someone. Remember what they have been through and what they have given up. Say a prayer and remember that freedom is just not free. It always comes with a cost.

 

Journey Through Deployment Book Review

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned below for free in the hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”Journeycover_3D

I love all the support that is out there for us Military spouses. I got the privilege of reviewing an E-book by fellow Blogger and Military Spouse, Kathryn Sneed. Kathryn has been blogging at Singing Through the Rain since 2011. Her blog is a supportive blog for Military spouses and one of my favorites!

Journey Through Deployment: Stepping Forward with Confidence During Military Separations is filled with:

  • Tips for preparing yourself and your family for deployment.
  • Hope and encouragement to get you through deployment.
  • A section for civilians to learn what military life is like.
  • Tips for preparing yourself and your family for reintegration.
  • Stories, lessons, and journeys of other military spouses just like you!

I read this book as we finished up our fourth deployment and I can tell you it is filled with a lot of great advice for anyone going through a deployment. When your spouse first leaves it can be overwhelming. You might not know how you should feel or if what you are feeling is okay. Having a book like this will help you understand that you are not alone. It can also teach you what to expect as the deployment goes on. I would have loved to have read something like this during our first deployment.

I also enjoyed the stories the author added and advice from other spouses. It really helps to hear from different people as different people do have different deployment experiences.

You can purchase Journey Through Deployment at Amazon or as a PDF file.